Why me? Why of all days to get sick it has to be Saturday, the most sacred day of the weekend?
When my daughter had finally brewed up the broccoli and cauliflower stew, she forgot that she had other matters to attend to -- like feeding the animals for instance -- so she assigned Pinkie Pie to deliver the soup. Sounds simple, right? Oh you'd be wrong. Observe.
"Soup's here, Ricky!" the 'Pink Menace' announces cheerfully, using the pet name which I abhor, as she balances a tray with the bowl of freshly-made soup and a small corked bottle atop of it on her head. It's striking how she can manage that without any difficulty in the slightest. Even more impressive since she's bouncing towards me. Not many people (and ponies, I guess) are talented at that. Though this shouldn't come as a shocker when we're talking about Pinkie Pie here. "But be careful! It's super-duper hot!" she adds.
"Pinkie, how many bloody times do I have to tell you not to call me that?" I ask, testily.
Pinkie Pie bounces along and carefully lays the tray on the nightstand right of me, answering with a jovial smile, "About over twenty times a week."
I stare at her, deadpanned. "That wasn't a serious question..." I say dryly.
"But you always sound serious. How can I tell when you're not?"
"Then let me tell you this: Did you know that the ponies on my planet can also talk?"
"Really?!" Pinkie Pie gasps.
"Of course not!"
"Could've fooled me," Pinkie Pie remarks.
I bring my hands over my face as I take a deep breath. Surely she can't be this asininely gullible. I guess I now know how Dexter must feel having to put up with his 'halfwit older sister'. Perhaps that's what's happening in my situation. Never thought I'd say this, but, I wish Discord would come back. Err. Then again, I think that would only double the trouble.
I'm not sure whether that was a Team Rocket reference or not.
I lower my hands slowly as I practice a calm demeanor, although a scowl nearly threatens to break out. "Anywho. Since you've delivered the soup, you can scram now." I first grab the corked bottle which contains a thick, mucky-green substance. As I uncork the bottle, I immediately retch from smelling the fetid fumes that visibly trail out of the bottle's opening. In one quick motion, I wrap my lips around the opening and chug it straight down my throat so my tastebuds can live another day.
Fucking disgusting...
When I place the bottle back onto the tray, I proceed to reach for the bowl. I stop midway and notice Pinkie Pie is still here standing at the end of the bed. She just stands there and continually stares at me. I clear my throat.
"You can go on your way now. I've no more assistance needed." I carefully grab hold of the bowl as it is mildly hot to the touch. Taking a slight sip, the pink pony hops to my side.
"But Fluttershy told me to stick around and chat for a bit. She said that you'd probably appreciate talking with somepony."
My eyes abruptly snap wide open as I do a spit take, spewing bits of vegetables across the blanket. "What?!" I cough, still trying to swallow what's left of the soup in my mouth. "M-maybe you misheard her or something," I shakily say.
"Nope!" Pinkie Pie beams, shaking her head. "No mistake about it!"
Everything dips into total silence.
I continually look beyond, mind blank as my trembling hands place the bowl back onto the platter. Just... Why? Why am I being unjustly punished for this shit? Why, universe? Why must you be so merciless? Y'know what, though, screw it. I'm a freakin' man. I've dealt things far worse than this. If the universe wants to play rough, then let's have a go at it.
Collecting my cool, I turn to the pony as I force a smile. "Well, that's thoughtful of my daughter," I calmly remark. "So, what exactly is it that you want to talk about? Maybe you got some jokes to help make me feel better?" I ask with hidden resentment in that last sentence.
The pony's smile brightens further, evident that I must've hit jackpot with that question.
"You bet I have jokes!" Pinkie exclaims excitedly as she performs a joyful bounce in the air. "I have so many jokes that'll surely knock your socks off! ...Unless you're not wearing socks? Then again, you're in bed so I guess it'd be kinda weird sleeping with socks on. Or maybe it's because-" thus Pinkie Pie begins prattling on and on about sleeping with socks. Meanwhile, I'm just angrily rubbing my temples.
In the middle of her pointless prattle, I muster the patience of a saint as I clear my throat. "I don't mean to be a bother, but weren't you just about to tell me some jokes?" I ask with gritted teeth.
"Oh, right!" Pinkie Pie lightly gasps. "Silly me!" She then starts humming in deep thought, presumably thinking some way to start. Thusly, a dim light bulb appears over her head. In a few short seconds, the bulb lights up. "Ooh! Ooh! This one should tickle your funny bone!" Yeah, we'll see about that... "So what do you call an alligator in a vest?"
Apathetic, I shrug. "I don't know," I answer flatly, "what do you call an alligator in a vest?"
"An 'Investigator'!"
After... that, there is a brief moment of silence. The corner of my lip twitches, as the joke has made little of an impact. Still, I have to admit that the joke was kind of clever. "So, what else ya got?" I ask.
Pinkie Pie's grin stretches further, knowing her first joke has barely dented the surface. "Okay!" She begins, rubbing her hooves together. "Let's see if you can handle this:
"Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?"
I perk a faint smile competitively, accepting the pink mare's challenge. "No, I haven't heard. What happened in the race between the lettuce and the tomato?"
"The lettuce was a 'head' and the tomato was trying to 'ketchup'!"
Once again another brief moment of silence has taken over. Once my brain has registered the joke, I titter. Huh. Guess this isn't as bad as I thought it'd be.
"Oh!" Pinkie Pie said, "This one's a classic: What is the best day to go to the beach?"
"I don't know," I play along with a bit of enthusiasm. "What is the best day to go to the beach?"
"Sunday, of course!"
Indeed classic. While that isn't as 'funny' as the last two, it still got me to crack a smile. I give it some thought. "Say, since we're telling jokes here, why not I tell one myself?"
Pinkie Pie's jaw drops as she fixes me with an incredulous stare as if my words were news to her. "You? Telling a joke?! You never told any jokes ever since you came here! Why all of a sudden?"
"Well... maybe I'm sort of in a good mood right now," I reply with a grin.
"But you're grumpy most of the time." I'm mostly grumpy whenever I'm around you... Even this is a shocker for me. "Are... are my jokes making you happy?"
I scratch my face, looking distantly in the other direction. "Mmm. You could say that" I vaguely admit. I did hate to admit it, but I am having, dare I say the word, fun. And with Pinkie Pie? That's hard to believe. The pink pony starts to vibrate, almost like she's going to explode with unadulterated excitement. "Whoa-whoa-whoa! Let's just stay calm here, Pinkie. At least celebrate after I tell my joke, okay?" I ask to settle her down.
"O-okay!" Pinkie Pie lightly nods. Her lips are trembling as she does her best to contain her excitement. Even her damn pupils are sparkling. Sheesh. Never have I seen her this happy.
I slowly inhale to prepare for my turn of a joke. "Say, is your refrigerator running?"
"Of course it is, silly!" Pinkie Pie innocently responds.
"Then you better go catch it!" I holler.
At this, Pinkie Pie gasps. "Oh my gosh! I better hurry!" With that, the pink pony zips out of the room like the Flash.
I reach an arm out to stop her. "Wait!" I shout, "I didn't mean it literally!"
Well... Shit.
That fun sure was short-lived... I mean, I was certain Pinkie Pie knew by then that it was meant to be a joke. Go figure she took me seriously, again. Meh. Guess there's always something else to do to get by, such as having a normal conversation with Twilight. Normal... Huh. Maybe that's an understatement-slash-exaggeration.
Because everything that's happened is surreal than anything I've ever experienced and would be out of the norm.
So I engaged by asking Twilight if there were, ahem, "realms" of either paradise or torment and oddly enough they in fact have such things. Twilight elaborated that their interpretation of "hell" is this place called Tartarus, and frankly it exists here under their soil... Well, sort of. But of course, when Twilight goes nerd mode -- my rendition of technobabble -- I might as well just keep 'Mhmm'ing' and nodding as I have no bloody clue what some of the words coming out of her mouth meant.
There are some days that I have a short memory span, okay? I am human, after all. And by God should it remain that way.
"And it's been recorded that Tartarus actually was-" Twilight holds her breath as I yawn out of boredom. She quirks a brow, annoyed. "Is there something you want to add, Rick?"
"It's freakin' boring here!" I whine, arms crossing. "Why do I have to skip out on the most sacred day of days? This is bull honky!"
"First of all, I don't have the slightest idea what 'bull honky' is. And second, you're ill and need to rest until Zecora's medicine does its job," Twilight scolds. "Didn't you humans have anything that passes the time? Say, board games for an example."
"Ugh, yes," I groan, "but there is a viable reason as to why they're called board games."
"Why?" Twilight quizzes.
"Because they're boring!" I proclaim with a pun. I then plop my head back onto the pillow. Twilight, from the end of the bed, ambles to my left side as she drags a small wooden stool with her sparkling magic.
"Well resting in bed doing nothing isn't going to liven things up around here," Twilight says dryly as she sits down.
"That's correct," I point out. "So if it's okay with you, why not we talk about something regarding one of my interests?"
Twilight raises a curious brow. "Oh, and perhaps what sort of subject from your universe are we going to talk about?" She queries with enthusiasm.
"Hobbies," I simply reply.
"Hobbies, huh?" Twilight muses, stroking her chin. "What sort of leisure activity did you enjoy the most?
Leisure activity? What am I speaking to, a dictionary? In any case, I slowly sit upright, my lips stretching to a childish smile. "Video games!" I answer brightly. At that, Twilight's expression sort of changes into confusion. "I'll take your silence as a sign you have no idea what video games are?"
"You're smarter than you let on," Twilight teases. Okay. I guess I could chalk one point on her board for this round.
"Very funny..." I drawl. "Anyway. When I used to be, uh, eight years old my foster father took me around town in his car. He was doing his errands or whatever, and promised me if I behaved he'd give me five dollars in quarters to spend at the arcade." Here Twilight pauses me with her waving hoof.
"As I recall from our previous discussions, dollars are your world's currency, correct?" She asks. I nodded.
"Yes. As I was saying: if I promised to behave he'd give me money for the arcade. At first, I didn't know what an arcade was; I genuinely thought it was some sort of dessert." There I evoke a giggle out of Twilight. "So I behaved throughout the whole drive. As promised, we stopped at the 'arcade'. The building itself wasn't large from the outside, because we were out in some small town. I can't quite remember what it was called. Regardless, the building wasn't big from the outside, but when I gazed at the open entrance you couldn't see the end of the interior! It was filled with these tall, box-shaped machines with colorful screens on them and stuff!"
"Similar to those television sets we talked before?" Twilight recalls.
"Very much so, but mainly designed for gaming. You see they're slightly taller so that people can stand and play. They have these colored buttons which vary between blue, yellow, red and white, with one or several joysticks depending on the game, those are mainly called the controls. The controls are used to operate the game-slash-characters. Imagine that the minute I walked in there with a plastic bag full of five dollars worth of quarters, I found my calling." Twilight slightly widens her eyes.
"Wow. That definitely sounds-"
"Awesome. Yes, I know," I finish for her, even though that might not be what she was going to say. "Not to mention that back then arcade machines were just one measly quarter per play. So throughout half the day, I spent the entire five dollars playing arcade games: Pacman, Galaxia, Centipede, TMNT and so on!"
"TMNT?"
"Acronym for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."
"Strange, but continue," Twilight says, flicking her hoof. I continue.
"Street Fighter. Oh, and my all-time favorite: Donkey Kong!"
Twilight stifles a giggle once more. She lays her hoof on my forearm, smiling. "Oh, Rick. You sound very much like me when I discover something extraordinaire." I smile back.
"Oh, it was much more than extraordinaire. Video games were a major part of my adolescence!"
"Must have been such a life-changing experience," Twilight admires. "Too bad I won't get to have that kind of experience."
"Actually..." I begin. "You might have that chance."
Twilight looks at me, perplexed. "Huh? What do you mean?"
"I'll show you. Better than explaining," I say as I push the comforter off of me. I shift towards the bedside opposite of Twilight and stand on my two feet. The alicorn immediately hops off the stool, rushing around the bed to get in front of me.
"Hold on, mister! You need to lie back down. You're still not feeling well," Twilight orders.
I wave at her dismissively. "It's no big deal. I'm only going to duck under the bed to fetch-"
"No," Twilight cuts me off, adamantly, with those stern eyes of hers. "I'll go get whatever it is. You need to lie down and rest."
Hate to say it but Twilight sure has some intimidation in that tone. Including that glare. Comparison to Rainbow Dash's, I'd say Twilight beats hers by a mile.
Nonchalantly, I hold my hands up and comply. "Alright, alright," I sigh. "No point arguing about it." I sit back down while Twilight, smiling triumphantly, ducks underneath the bed. "In case you're looking for something specific, there should be a suitcase down there. It should have my personal belongings."
I could hear something spark, presumably Twilight's horn. In seconds she pops back up with my said suitcase in her telekinetic hold.
"This suitcase?" asks Twilight, showing me the object. I nod. The suitcase gently lands on the bed with a 'pomf'. The alicorn gets back on the stool and scoots closer. "So what's the deal about the suitcase?"
Her question unanswered, I snap open the suitcase and pull out the cluttered mess of wrinkly shirts. Hey, it's not like I tried. I'm just a bit lazy when it comes to folding clothes. Minute later, I find my prize. I pause to keep the suspense. Seeing Twilight's eagerness, I finally pull out the... Wait for it.
The sound when Link from The Legend of Zelda opening a chest and taking the item plays inside my head.
"W-what is it?" asks the puzzled mare.
"What is it?" I parrot, wiggling the grey "contraption" in front of her. It's almost bigger than my hand, with two matching dark purple buttons, a 'start' and 'select' button side to side at the front's bottom, a directional pad, and finally the blank, green monitor screen. "This, m'lady, is the original Game Boy. Made by Nintendo!"
"Game... Boy?"
"Game Boy," I repeat. "What was considered the ultimate mobile gaming machine. In my opinion, at least."
"Game Boy..." Twilight mutters as her eyes examine it. She rubs her chin, making thoughtful hums to herself. She then shrugs. "I don't get it."
"It's easy," I say, "all you have to do is hold it with both hands, like so, and with the magic touch of an index finger..."
I slither my left hand's index finger at the top left corner of the device. In just one flick, the red light left of the screen lights up. Awesome, the batteries still have juice left in them. The device blips as letters depicting Game Boy slowly scroll down from the top of the screen and stops right at the center with the famous 'Ding!' sound.
Lips curving into a giddy smile, I sigh nostalgically. "Never gets old." I turn to the alicorn and see her leaning very close, her eyes widening in pure bewilderment mixed with astonishment. "Just a second," I say as I dive my right hand into the suitcase again, "thing won't work until I put a cartridge in."
"Cartridge?"
I don't say anything until I fish out two thin, tiny square-shaped cartridges: one with the bloody color of red whilst the other with grey much like the Game Boy, thin enough to slide into the empty slot located on the back of the Game Boy. On the front of one has the title Super Mario Land whilst the other one is Pokemon Red Version. Yes, thee first and original red version.
First I turn the thing off so I could properly boot up Super Mario Land. I insert the game, flick the switch once more, the logo dings, and finally, the game boots up.
"And we are online," I say, smirking.
Twilight keeps gazing at the Game Boy, dumbfounded. I thought for a second that her entire brain might have either flew into space or exploded. Maybe it did both. I don't know. She's totally gawking at it. When I turn it off, she blinks.
"W-wha? Why aren't you going to play it?" Twilight asks, disappointed.
"Because I'm sorta not in the mood to play it right at this moment. Second, I don't want to drain the batteries. I only have a limited number of them."
"Well then why did you bring it along?"
"Are you kidding?!" I look at her in disbelief. "This is one of the most prized and cherishing possessions I've had since I was little. I treat it like how you treat your Smarty Pants doll."
Twilight's purple cheeks blush red. "You've made your point. But what will you do with it now?"
"Well, what do you mean? I brought this out so I can show it to you. If you want, and only this once, I can let you have it for today."
Twilight blinks again. Twice. "Wait, wait, wait. W-what? Are you sure you want to? You did say it's one of your most prized items, after all!" she protests.
"You did say you wanted to have the experience. I'd say this thing here," I wiggle the Game Boy in my hand, "is your golden opportunity." I shrug. "Besides, I trust you completely. If there's any... pony," I internally sneer at the use of the word, "out there who's incredibly smart and loves to try things first... hoof, that pony would be you."
"Why, Rick, I-"
I plant a finger on her lips. "No. There's nothing else that needs to be said. Just go ahead and take it." I take away my finger and offer her the hand-held device.
Twilight ponders for a moment, her eyes shifting from me to the device back and forth. Smiling, she happily seizes the device with her magic.
"Thank you, Rick. I swear to you that you'll have it by tomorrow." Twilight then leans in and smooches the left side of my face. It catches me off guard at first, but I incline on the idea that it's a gesture of appreciation. She then gets off the stool and goes out the door.
Me? Nah, I'm not too worried. She's Twilight. Who else would be more careful with priceless artifacts? Possibly nothing bad could happen... With her...
Maybe I should've thought this ahead before giving it to her.