//------------------------------// // Ch 5: Testing the waters and trying new things // Story: Friendship and Space Magic. What could go wrong? // by Redstargazer //------------------------------// The sun had just risen over Canterlot and the time approached for the throne room to flood with petitions and usual petty complaints from nobles and business moguls. For the first time in centuries, however, the chamber was nearly empty aside from two beings: Celestia and Jeff’s holosphere. After dealing with the aftermath of the play, as well as some minor panic near Cloudsdale involving cries of ‘space babies’ of all things, Celestia had made the decision to clear the entire day for the purpose of walking Jeff through some ground rules as well as terms for his citizenship. The nobles balked at being asked to wait of course. They did at least, until Celestia mentioned Jeff being the subject matter. And perhaps after humming part of the intro tune from his infamous play. At the first few notes, everypony seemed to turn green and quickly remembered some other tasks they had to do that day before leaving as quickly as their dignity would allow. If not for having to remember the ordeal or the risk of looking the tyrant, Celestia might have been tempted to abuse this little trick. So only for special occasions then, she thought dryly before focusing on the matter at hoof. Jeff’s holosphere bounced with barely contained enthusiasm as Celestia pulled open a large stack of papers between them. “Now, Jeff. I realize you may be excited to learn more about the world but we have set some rules down for this unique little first contact. Afterward, I plan to schedule a day of activities with our elements of harmony as your guides and-” “Already in progress!” Celestia looked at Jeff with a raised eyebrow. “Come again?” “Ah, right. Hadn’t brought it up yet. Well, you see, with all the,” Jeff hesitated, perhaps in a show of guilt, “ruckus caused by my play I wanted to do a little something to take the stress off. So I glanced through the itinerary, noticed the activity day and set it up so we could get through this a little faster. While we do paper work here, I’m also going on tour with all of the other girls right now. All of them at the same time.” “I’m sorry but that doesn’t seem possible. Nopon-er one can be in two places at once,” Celestia said partially for logic and partially out of nervousness at the idea of Jeff being able to do such a thing. “Actually, I can. You know how you can only shove so much mass in one space before there’s just too much to take up the same area?” he waited long enough for Celestia to give an uncertain nod before he continued. “Well, you run into a similar problem with data. This holosphere represents a tiny tiiiiny portion of the data that makes up my mind that resides in tall dark and chromey. The rest of my mind is actually in sort of a standby mode while the little bit of information needed for this holosphere streams through. I’m not just limited to one tiny stream though. I can actually have several streams forming into other spheres with each one sharing new info with each other simultaneously. In this way I can be in two places at once. Or three. Or four. Or seven hundred and ninety five.” After a moment of silence, Jeff noticed the Princess staring blankly at him and seemed to take it as a sign of disbelief. “What? Don’t think I can? Sure I can! Here, just give me a minute to boot things up and I can have all of those loveable little versions of me show up right here and now.” “NO!!!” Silence followed the panicked negative before Celestia gave a delicate clearing of her throat and continued more calmly. “I mean no thank you, Jeff. I am more than willing to take you at your word.” “You sure? Really, it wouldn’t be any trouble.” “Yes,” Celestia said quickly, “yes I am quite sure. By the way-” she looked back and forth around the throne room “-where is your assistant, Marauder?” “Well, I figured I would put him to good use and had him start up a yoga class at Ponyville city hall.” “….yoga?” “Oh, yeah. It’s this special series of low impact stretching exercises that-” “No no. I had a fair idea of what you were talking about as the Neighponese invented something similar.” She did her best to ignore the bout of giggling from the sphere when she mentioned the word ‘Neighponese.’ “It is simply that I didn’t imagine your associate to be the type for that work.” “Oh, sure, there were a few adjustments we had to make with the whole anatomical differences thing. However, I can say he’s actually pulling off a fairly smooth class as we speak.” **** The Ponyville city hall sported an odd banner over the front door claiming to offer ‘gain spiritual enlightenment and find cosmic balance while losing those stubborn love handles.’ Just inside, Shields was busy demonstrating various poses while a crowd of visitors looked on and copied his movements on their own mats. There were young and old, stallions and mares. There were even a few other species in the mix. “Now everyone, yes everyone Miss Carrot Top we have more than ponies here,” Marauder snapped at a sniggering orange pony who coughed into a hoof to avoid his annoyed glare, “we will continue our routine with downward dog.” A growl came from the back of the room and Marauder rolled his eyes, “Yes, Miss, that’s the name it had when the style was invented. I’m not changing it. Suck it up.” The diamond dog in the back room gave an annoyed huff but left it at that and the class continued. “Alright, next it’s upward dog reaching for the sun.” He curved up and waited for the rest of the class to mimic him before continuing. “And now, dog grasps the sun and brings it crashing down on the other dogs that foolishly trusted him.” Everyone stared at their alien instructor nervously. Shields let the silence drag a bit before putting them at ease. “That was a joke.” A series of nervous laughs and forced smiles followed the statement before they went on with the class. Perhaps it was a malfunction with his optics but Shields could almost swear he saw his students excreting a bit more sweat than the exercises warranted. Ah, it’s the simple pleasures that make my existence a little more bearable. **** Celestia was beginning to develop a serious migraine. It wasn’t that Jeff was acting petulant and obnoxious as the nobles she typically dealt with. Rather, it was his numerous eccentricities and complete lack of common sense that she bashed her head against as she tried to walk him through what should be considered basic etiquette. She did her best, truly she did, to be patient with him as her attempts to aid Luna after her exile often came to mind. Still, even the motherly Solar Princess had her limits. “Now, you are absolutely sure you understand this point, Jeff?” she asked tiredly. “I want you to tell me now so that I know we can move on to the next item without you forgetting.” “Yes, Princess! Absolutely positutely.” Jeff’s sphere nodded briskly. “There will be no, count ‘em, no experimentation on ponies in any way, form, or fashion.” “And can you tell me why this is so important?” “Because it’s socially frowned upon and makes for really awkward small talk at dinner parties.” Celestia stared blankly at the oblivious ball of light before sighing and turning the page in the documents. “We will…get back to the specifics of that tenant at a later date. Just remember: experimenting on ponies bad.” “Yes, Mam! Absolutely! You got it! No experiments at all!” Jeff abruptly cut off from his assurances to glance hesitantly to the side before looking back again and calmly state, “Starting right now.” **** (A few minutes prior) The city of Cloudsdale was moving along with its usual hustle and bustle. The weather factory churned out clouds for various weather across Equestria, the stadium was preparing for coming events, and the Wonderbolts were making a snap inspection of the local pegasi division. It was busy but orderly. That is, it was until two streaks, one rainbow colored and one orange, shot through the city and forced several ponies into dodging. The streaks moved too quickly for anypony to hear more than a few snippets of words but a conversation occurred between the two that would have sounded similar to the following. “Ah, come on, Dahsie!! Please!” the orange streak implored, “I just want to learn about how pegasi weather magic works! I give you my word I won’t do anything that will *mumble* permanently *mumble* maim you!” “Back off, Doctor Maneroe!!” Dash shrieked as she desperately pushed herself to go faster. “I ain’t putting myself under some mad scientist scalpels!!” “Aww, don’t be like that! Scalpels are fun!! Didn’t you ever play operation? Like that but way cooler and more authentic.” “NO!” the cyan mare barked. She continued to bank, twist, and dodge using every trick in her arsenal to shake the sphere but failed. She might have grudging admired how effortlessly he kept up if not for the fact that she might end up on an operating table. “Pretty pleeease? There’ll be probes! You like probes right? Of course you do! They’re awesome!! We can even slow dance afterward!” “In Tartarus does that even mean!?! JUST BACK OFF WEIRDO!!!” The two streaks shot off across the sky bickering until this sphere eventually updated on the whole no experimentation thing. **** Deep within the heart of darkspace, Jeff’s interior bustled with activity as it hadn’t in millennia. Well, there were other times, but usually for ridiculous productions staged out of boredom rather than anything useful. Jeff’s discussion with Celestia back in Equestria eventually brought up several facts about him as they were discussing the possible applications he could have for aiding the country. One was the group of beings shambling around his interior. Of course, he failed to mention that they were basically mutilated abominations. Seriously, what country would want mobs of creatures from a horror flick doing community service or defense? To the end of making them more ‘user friendly,’ Jeff was using the old files he found of Inquisitor’s to make some aesthetic touch ups on the husks. He might even try with a few banshees or brutes but, thus far, the husks proved the easiest to work with. The inhabitants continued with what Jeff affectionately called ‘Operation PR’ while ignoring the announcement that went out through the system. Attention. Incoming query from Jeff sphere 03. Minor drops in reaction may occur as allotted memory is drawn to process request. Continue your assigned tasks. The Reaper ground units did as they were told and continued despite some slight twitches one two of them seemed to have develop. After a few seconds, however, everything stopped. Minions of every form froze in place. Hums from some systems cut off as if paused. Then pandemonium broke out across the Reaper. Red emergency lights flashed everywhere and alarms screeched. Every minion started screaming and running around the halls. Some simply fell where they were and started twitching. A voice spoke over the sound of alarms and screaming Reaper forces. Despite its monotone it seemed to carry a level of distress in its next announcement. Attention! Jeff has encountered a fatal error. Jeff will now shut down to prevent permanent damage. At the end of that announcement, all lights and sound cut out. Loud grinding resounded as massive machinery came to a halt and clangs could be heard across the Reaper as ground forces hit the ground as they collapsed wherever they stood at the time. For ten minutes, silence stretched across the Reaper. Eventually lights came back on, ground units stood, and a tune sounded throughout the halls that, had he remembered, Jeff would’ve identified as the Windows jingle. **** What the heck just happened? Eh? What do you mean? One minute I was teaching yoga students fearing for their lives and the next I’m waking up on the ground surrounded by them. They said I just fell down and wouldn’t respond for ten minutes. Shields paused a moment before continuing worriedly, Also my diagnostics are describing symptoms similar to a stroke. As bad a sign as that is for organics I’m pretty sure it’s worse for a machine to exhibit those symptoms. Also, I think Twilight is trying to talk to you. I looked around and, sure enough, Twilight stood there watching me worriedly as she was flanked by an equally worried Spike, Applejack and Pinkie Pie. “Umm, Jeff? Are you okay?” Twilight asked. “Oh sure hang on a sec though. I gotta check something.” I pulled up my own diagnostics and checked the data. “Huh. That’s odd. Memory is showing we came together about something. And then it’s now. And the time clock is showing a complete blank on anything that occurred within the ten minutes between those moments.” The three ponies and dragon looked at each other nervously before Twilight turned back to Jeff. “Could I ask you a question about machines?” “Absolutely! Ask away.” I said eager to answer any questions I could for my new friends. “If a machine were to, I don’t know,” Twilight hesitantly as she looked around at anything but me, “indicate something about a ‘fatal error’ then shut down, what would that mean?” “Hmmm” I thought about it for a moment. It seems like something about the question should have set off some alarms but for some reason my thought processes seemed a bit more sluggish. “It sounds like you are describing a total operating system crash. Kind of the machine equivalent of a nervous breakdown. It usually happens when it comes across information, a process, or requests that overtasks its memory and/or disrupts its logic. Hey are you four okay? You’re looking a little green.” The four friends just shook their heads mutely. “Oh I get it! You’re worried about me breaking down or something? Don’t be. I’ve got enough data in my head to cover several cultures and millennia worth of events and still have room to keep track of events across this world without breaking a sweat.” Strangely, instead of comforting them, the three ponies and dragon only seemed more disturbed by my assurances. Odd. Trying to lighten the tension, I looked around for something and noticed some papers on the ground. “Hallo. What’s this?” A trickle of energy was converted from the hologram to form a strand of biotic energy that picked up the paper and lifted it to my optic disk. It listed a number of events, statistics, as well as what seemed to be hair and other material samples. All of this was headed at the top of the page by a question. “‘How does Pinkie Pie work?’ Huh. That’s actually an interesting question. You know what? Give me a moment to copy this data and I can probably send it back to my main body for an analysis.” “NOOO!” I dropped the paper out of surprise from the panicked yell that the three mares and the little baby dragon gave me. After a moment, Twilight cleared her throat and haltingly explained. “I, that is to say, we are very grateful for the offer, Jeff. But it is just that…uh,” Twilight glanced back and forth between Applejack and Pinkie before continuing, “I would like to stick to traditional methods so I can learn more from the experience. ‘It’s the journey not the destination’ and all that, right?” She laughed nervously with a hoof behind her head. “Uhhh. Sure?” I wonder what’s bothering her? Something tells me we’re both better off not knowing, Shields thought back. I was considering asking anyway when my thoughts were interrupted as Pinkie Pie’s whole body started vibrating in place. “Oh no! What does that one mean?” Spike asked nervously. “Don’t know. I’ve never gotten any like it before,” Pinkie said as she shook her head worriedly, “but whatever that shutter’s about, it’s a doozy. Something you never expect is gonna happen.” Pinkie vibrated again and added more, “And it’s gonna happen at Froggy Bottom Bog!” Applejack let out a horrified gasp. “Tha’s where Fluttershy’s headed!” “Oh no!” Spike said from beside Twilight, “is it about her?!” Pinkie considered with worried eyes before admitting, “I’m not sure.” “We’d better make sure tha’ she’s okay!” the cowpony stormed off with Pinkie behind her before either Twilight or I could get a word in. “Oh, come one everypony! All we know is that Pinkie got a case of the shivers!” She shot off after her friends with me hovering beside her. “Well, whatever the case, it can’t hurt for us to come along, right?” I reasoned. I will rendezvous with you at the bog, Shields projected urgently. Oh, come one MS!, I thought projecting my will with enough meaning to simulate the sorely missed eyeroll my holosphere couldn’t copy, We’re going to a giant puddle named after a group of small amphibians that live along its base. How bad could it be? **** “Well…that was bad.” Marauder and Twilight nodded tiredly in agreement with me from their barstools. Pinkie Pie just continued nodding cheerfully as she had been for the last hour while she sipped from her fourth strawberry daiquiri. I should be surprised that she shows no reaction to the amount of alcohol, but every time I try to think hard about it my thoughts slip to something else after a red warning message saying ‘Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie. Abort further inquiries.’ The four of us sat alone in the little bar as AJ had taken Spike back to the library on her way back to the farm and Fluttershy had headed back to her cottage for some much needed relaxation. The evening had been filled with all sorts of bizarre twists and revelations: all knowing spasms, rampaging hydras, and near death by rapidash(the last me and MS firmly kept to ourselves out of self-preservation even as Twilight noted our occasional sniggering with a confused glance). Yet, the big revelation that threw me for a loop was finding a bar in Ponyville. Perhaps even more was how, for lack of a better term, bar-ish it was. It could have been one seen anywhere off world minus the pastel ponies. The outside seemed much like any other building aside from the oak front door with the bar name Whinnies in gold font over the doorframe. The inside was soothing, if a bit somber by Ponyville standards, and the furniture and flooring was constructed from fine polished mahogany wood. My friends and I were situated at the U-shaped bar counter where glasses hung overhead and the barkeep worked from behind. He was a pegasus stallion by the name of Swift Punch who, if rumors were to be believed, used to be a big shot with the Wonderbolts before some accident had grounded him. Now he just worked the bar he owned with his wife, an earthpony mare by the name of Berry Punch. The strangest thing about it was how familiar it seemed to me. I also thought I might have heard some nostalgic piano music as we walked through the door despite the lack of the instrument in the bar. “Well, it could have been much worse,” Twilight looked over at me and smiled, “there’s no telling what might have happened if you hadn’t been there with your quick thinking.” “Aw, come on Twilight, I’d be blushing right now if I had a physical body,” I said modestly. A blown raspberry drew an annoyed glance from me to Marauder on my left. Not to mention I was boggled by the fact he did one when I know he didn’t have the right tools or sound bites he needed to pull it off. “I still don’t get how the lot of you can shrug off how he pulled it off by turning himself into a strobe light and giving it seizures.” Pinkie shrugged from her spot at the bar. “Well, it might’ve been a little mean, but it’s still alive though and we got away.” “No, no that’s not what I meant,” Marauder waved dismissively. “I mean the fact that only one head ended up with the seizures. There might have been multiple heads but they are still one organism made from the same embryo, right? It being one forth epileptic is like saying someone is dyslexic in one eye! THAT’S JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS!!” The last was screeched as he gestured with his right hand holding his beer bottle while waving wildly in the air with his left. “Buddy. You need to chill out.” I floated closer and sent him an electric signal that served as an equivalent to a comforting hand on the shoulder. “We are a giant space robot that landed in a magical land of talking pastel equines. I’m pretty sure logic stormed out the door with an emphatic ‘I hate you all’ a long time ago.” “Hey, hey! Don’t be so hard on the guy!” Pinkie piped up. “He’s good people. He just gets a little grumpy whenever I defy physics or break the fourth wall one-too-many times.” Me, Marauder, Twilight, and Swift the bartender stared at Pinkie with a blank stare before going back to what we were doing as if nothing happened. I turned back to Marauder “The point is you can’t keep freaking out about the little things or you’ll fry your processors.” Shields just grunted and took a swig from his bottle before setting it down and belching a small gout of flame. The first time this happened had spooked everypony but they learned to ignore it as the barkeep did now aside from a rolling of his eyes. Not for the first time that night, Twilight looked at Marauder with a puzzled frown. “What is that about anyway? It’s nothing like when Spike breaths fire.” “Oh well, without being in constant contact with my main body, Marauder requires an alternate fuel source to keep him going,” I explained matter-of-factly, “he’s using a new alcohol-based reaction I put in place of his original system. A little something of my own invention.” Bullcrap. You stole the idea from somewhere else. Marauder accused silently. Oh yeah? Prove it. I would, but every search I make on the subject is getting actively blocked by your authorization. I’d say that fact itself was pretty condemning. I would’ve came up with concrete evidence (really! I just needed time to fabricate it!) before Twilight broke in with a question. “If this is the new system, then what was the old one?” “I used to convert living org- ach!!” Marauder tried to catch himself but he had said too much. Twilight looked with a raised eyebrow, Pinkie with eager wide eyes, and Swift with a moderately less bored expression. Darn it, Shields! Look what you’ve done! I mentally yelled. Just what do you think they’re going to say when we mention we converted living organics for raw materials!?! Well excuuuuse me! Shields snarked back, I guess after all of the stupidity you’ve been hoarding I had to take some for myself to prevent a monopoly! Bah! There’s nothing for it. I’ll just have to make up something. “Yes, you see, he used to have to convert living…um. Organs of pipes. Or, to be more grammatically accurate, living pipe organs.” What little activity there had been in the bar seemed to have stilled. “Living…pipe organs?” Twilight asked dully. “Er, yes! I mean, not at first. At first we just went into buildings with regular pipe organs. You know, musical with keyboards that we would grind up and use em for minerals. Then we made a terrifying discovery in our space travels,” I looked down and put as much ‘pained’ inflection as I could in my next few words, “we stranded ourselves on a planet where living pipe organs were the dominant species. Yup, it was a dark time where poor Marauder had to starve and fight his instincts until we finally came up with this new alternative.” If possible, the entire bar seemed to have gone even quieter. Twilight and Swift looked at me with frankly disbelieving stares. That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard, Marauder projected in a shocked tone, and that’s coming from someone who lived in your head for the past thirty thousand years! Well I didn’t hear you coming up with anything! Sadly, Marauder seemed to be proven right as Twilight looked ready to call me on my bullcrap…when she was interrupted by a sniffle. Everyone in the bar looked toward the sound to find Pinkie Pie in tears. “Oh, Marauder Shields you poor thing.” Before anyone could react, Pinkie catapulted herself toward Marauder and clamped around him in a massive hug. “OH MARAUDER SHIELDS!! WHY MUST BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PONIES!?!” “I’m not a pony,” Marauder corrected flatly. “NUAAAAANCE! WAH HA HA HAAA!!” Tears flowed, yes flowed, out of Pinkie’s eyes in thick streams as she continued to speak comfort to Marauder who took it stoically. Twilight face hoofed and Swift snorted while shaking his head as he went back to work. I sighed internally as they let the subject drop. Well, that’s one bullet dodged, I thought, now for whatever is left at the castle. **** Celestia had never been more thankful to come to the close of a day. After some odd incident where Jeff disappeared for ten minutes they burned the remaining daylight on various legal issues and questions. First there was citizenship paper work. No, he couldn’t legally change his name to Gidra the Killer Robot. They were supposed to be preventing the kind of panic that would start. No, his large body couldn’t just stroll through town as the zoning laws had nothing to account for his scale. No, she wasn’t calling him fat, he just had a big support structure. No, he couldn’t use his death laser to carve ‘Jeff was here’ on the moon. That would be vandalism of government property. Even if Luna did sound strangely taken with the idea when she visited earlier(probably had to do with her suggestion of changing it to ‘Her Royal Cakebutt demands your pastries’). Things were winding down as Celestia explained, for the fifth time, why the ban on Jeff productions couldn’t be lifted. She was in the middle of providing legal precedents and psych evals that supported the decision when the doors were flung open by a panicked guard. “Princess!!” Oh, thank Faust for an excuse to end this. At this point I might not even care what it is. Outwardly, Celestia kept her professional demeanor. “Yes my little pony? What is the matter?” “There’s been an escape from Tartarus! It’s,” the guard shuddered in dread, “Maredusa!” The whispered name caused Celestia’s blood to run cold and she felt shame at her earlier thought. Maredusa. One of the worst fanatics from the ancient times when the world roiled in turmoil at the whim of primal elder gods: creatures that far surpassed Discord in power and cruelty. Maredusa had been one of those terrible few that twisted themselves in order to extend their lives through dark magic and spread the message of their old masters by sowing carnage and suffering. Even hearing her name brought Celestia memories of terrible scenes of cruelty left in the monster’s wake: villages blown apart, foals shrieking alone in the dark, families mourning over piles of shattered statues that had once been loved ones. Maredusa had been one of those rare cases where the Sun Princess could find no trace of mercy within herself, simply choosing to fling the vile creature into the gates of Tartarus. Her eyes hardened enough to startle the guard before her. “Send for the Tartarus Brigade! I want that monster hunted down and slung back into the pit where she belongs!” “Already here your Majesty.” All eyes drew to the doorway where a brawny minotaur wearing black plate armor strode in. He slammed his left hand to his chest and bowed. “Captain Steelhoof at your service, Princess.” “I..thank you for your timely arrival,” Celestia looked down at the captain in confusion before going on, “but just how did you come so quickly when news of the escape just arrived?” “That’s just it your Majesty. This isn’t news of escape from Tartarus. That had happened earlier and we hadn’t reported it as she was quickly apprehended. This news is of how she escaped our custody.” “Explain,” the Princess demanded sternly. Steelhoof’s face twisted in shame. “Half way to the gates, two strange and yelling streaks of light shot through from the sky. I can only assume they were some contingency set in place by the witch as the resulting chaos allowed her to recover some of her power and escape. That doesn’t excuse our failure. Please allow me to take responsibility for this debacle, Princess.” “Don’t bother Captain,” Celestia said while waving a dismissive hoof. “I’m sure you did everything you could. This prisoner is ancient, cunning, and mad. There’s no accounting for what she might be capable of.” –the ponies and minotaur were too distracted by the dire events to notice a slight cringe of guilt from the holosphere- “What matters now is that we find her as quickly as possible.” “That was the next part of the news, Princess,” the Guard spoke up urgently. “She is hold up in the Canterlot Museum holding several dozen hostages and demanding the appearance of the one responsible for her capture.” Celestia flinched at the situation. It had been a long time since the possibility of having to give one life to save others. She turned resolutely to Steelhoof. “Captain, I realize you may still blame yourself for her escape. Know, however, that I will not have you throw your life away. We will find a way to solve this and-” “We didn’t catch her your Majesty,” Steelhoof broke in sheepishly, “we were called in to transport her after she was captured.” Celestia blinked in confusion before turning back to the guard. “Then who?” “Princess, Maredusa is calling for the appearance of, and I’m quoting her on this, ‘my arch nemesis Jeff the Reaper.’” “….Oh. My. Gosh.” Celestia nodded in agreement with Jeff’s comment. “Indeed. I’m sure there is no way she could have met you before. How is it then that-” “I HAVE AN ARCH NEMESIS!! WOO HOO! HOW COOL IS THAT! I-eh,” Jeff spluttered out as he noticed all of the glares in the room pointed his way. “Umm. Not cool at allll. Nope. No way. Oh nooo’s bad mare on the loose.” He looked down and let the awkward silence drug on a bit before turning back to Celestia. “Incidentally, how many of your national heroes got their own comic deal?” Neither the guards in the room nor Steelhoof could see any change in Celestia’s mask of serenity. In fact, if Jeff didn’t have his own microscopic lenses he might not have noticed Celestia’s left eye twitch that one eighth of a millimeter.