//------------------------------// // Chapter 106 - Rummage // Story: Trixie's Forest Retreat // by crowscrowcrow //------------------------------// After causing Fluttershy to completely lock up, Trixie eased off on her teasing, returning her attention to her meal. She knew it was perhaps just a little bit mean, but it was just so much fun to tease her. It wasn't really bullying if Fluttershy liked it too, right? Trixie allowed Fluttershy a little time to piece herself back together before she asked, “So, are you liking the book?” “Oh, yes,” Fluttershy said. “I haven’t been able to put it down… Do you like the, uhm, ‘wilder’ wildlife? I’m not sure if that sweet manticore is still in the forest, but we might see him if we stay by the edge.” “Erm, that’s sweet of you, but Trixie is too tired to risk her life at the moment.” Glancing down at the page, Trixie noticed Fluttershy hadn’t gotten much further into the book than ‘Chimera’. Fluttershy was either a slow reader, or she was fascinated by the first animal made up out of multiple animals that the book mentioned. “Manny isn’t dangerous,” Fluttershy said a little defensively. ’Manny’? “But, I understand. Maybe I’ll ask if he can visit us instead. Oh, but I don’t want to bother him... and some animals will be afraid to come here if they can smell a manticore has come through…” Sometimes it was easy to forget that Fluttershy, for all her quiet serenity, was still one of those six crazy ponies. Somewhere in her mind, Trixie turned off the part of her that was screaming at the insanity of the notion. Experience taught her that her sense of sanity would return soon enough, but it certainly made it easier when dealing with this in the moment. “Right," said Trixie. “Let’s steer away from bringing too many monsters here. Ponies will start talking.” Of course, Trixie knew that it was far too late to worry about that now. It was already decided that Fluttershy must be keeping dangerous animals around the house. If anything, that belief was exactly what made the cottage so safe. Fluttershy just nodded faintly, and returned her attention to the book, finally turning to the next page. Not moving from her spot, Trixie compelled the mug of hot chocolate to come and offer its sweet contents to her. It was a little cooler than Trixie would have liked, but she supposed she had only herself to blame. On the plus side, that meant it was easily drinkable. “Hey, Fluttershy? You said you wanted that book when you were a filly, right?” “Uh-huh.” Fluttershy nodded while reading on. Trixie recognized the picture of a cockatrice at the top of the page. “Huh, so it’s an old book.” Trixie mused, completely missing the glare Fluttershy shot at her. “That explains why some of it is wrong.” Apprehensive, but curious, Fluttershy asked, “Wrong? Like what?” Sipping from her mug, Trixie pointed down at the book. “Well take the cockatrice. It says that if it hears a rooster’s crow it will die immediately, but that didn’t work at all. When you think about it, it doesn’t even make sense. A mere ponytale. If it really was so easy to kill one than surely none would be left by now. The sound does scare them though.” “Oh, uhm… really? I guess maybe they just wrote down everything they could find. W-wait, why were you—” “Anyway!” Trixie cut in, then levitated the book off the ground and held it up above the couch. “How come you’re down there? Trixie can make room.” Without waiting for an answer, she popped the last bite of her burrito into her mouth and shuffled to the side. Despite mewling some small sound of protest when her book, or technically Trixie’s book, was taken away, Fluttershy gave in to Trixie’s demands. Once on the couch, she made herself comfortable, about one hoof length away. “So…” Fluttershy began, glancing up at the book, then back at Trixie. Though she closed her mouth again, seeming to reconsider whatever she was going to say. “Uhm, do you have a favorite?” “A favorite?” “You know,” Fluttershy said, motioning up at the book. “A favorite creature?” “Trixie hadn’t really thought about it. Do you have one?” Fluttershy nodded. “So far, I think I’d want to meet Cerberus the most.” Trixie blinked. “Cerberus? The three-headed dog? Uhm, not that Trixie is surprised by your choice, but why that one?” She held the book in between them, willing the page to flip to the stylistic image of the gigantic, monstrous dog, standing tall before a large gate. “Because, well… I haven’t read the whole book, but… Don’t you think his story is the most sad?” Fluttershy reached out to stroke a hoof over the frightening image. “Sad? Fluttershy, it’s a monster. It guards Tartarus. Can you imagine how scary he must have been to get that job?” Trixie asked incredulously. “Seriously, it’s not just a big puppy.” “But, that’s just it. Tartarus is such an awful place, and Cerberus is always there. Even though he didn’t do anything wrong… What is the difference between being a guard that may never leave, and being imprisoned there?” Fluttershy looked as though she was about to cry. Trixie felt like kicking herself. Of course that would be how Fluttershy saw it. It was no use to tell her that it was a monster, Fluttershy already knew that, and still wanted to help it. “Look, uh, if Trixie is ever in Tartarus, she’ll be sure to tell Cerberus to take a day off and visit Ponyville, okay?” Showing a small smile, Fluttershy nodded. “Thanks, Trixie, but I don’t think either of us will ever be anywhere near Tartarus.” Trixie hopes that is true. “Yes, Trixie supposes you are right.” The pages of the book moved on their own accord, back to the page Fluttershy last read. Trixie ensured that it remained hovering in midair. “Say, it’s been a while since Trixie last read this… you don’t mind if Trixie reads along with you, do you?” “Oh, of course not. It is your book after all.” Fluttershy stayed quiet for a moment, then added. “Uhm, Trixie? M-maybe… you could… mention if there’s something the book has wrong? I’d like that.” “Trixie would love to.” It was a rare opportunity that Trixie ever got to be the one that knew more about an animal than Fluttershy did. Even if the vast majority of the book was accurate, it would still be fun to surprise Fluttershy with a bit of trivia now and then. “Thank you.” “Just tell Trixie when to turn a page.” As Trixie already knew the book, and was a much faster reader, it struck her as a good idea to allow Fluttershy to set the pace in this endeavor as well. Which gave her a good opportunity to observe something much more interesting than the book, Fluttershy’s face. She looked adorable when she was concentrating. Trixie was sure that Fluttershy must have been not entirely unfamiliar with all the creatures listed, because some entries took her much less time to read. For instance, the cragadile barely got a couple of glances before Fluttershy indicated she was done. Not that Trixie minded at all. Once or twice, Fluttershy caught Trixie staring. Whenever this happened, both ponies responded with a blush, and a swift change of focus back to the book. Fluttershy was so tantalizingly close by, that merely breathing in deeply would almost be enough to touch her. Trixie’s mind kept bringing up the idea of just slinging a foreleg around her, until she forced her thoughts onto something else. It would not be long before her thoughts strayed to the suggestion again though, and it was sounding more convincing each time. Finishing off the last drops of her hot chocolate, Trixie was running out of ways to distract herself. Her gaze found Fluttershy instead of the book again. A deep yearning to touch her, even if just a little, kept growing each passing moment. What if she doesn’t like it? But she was okay with it during tea at Twilight’s. Or she was too nice to comment. Twilight was there, maybe she just felt safer? So distracted was Trixie with her own thoughts, that she barely registered Fluttershy motioning with her hoof to have the page turned. It was only after a few exaggerated motions, and Fluttershy shooting Trixie a puzzled look, that Trixie caught on. “A-ah! Sorry. Trixie was, uh, dozing off a little.” “Oh, that’s okay. Uhm, it’s probably best if we get some rest when we get to the next letter… If that is okay with you?” “Yes. Sounds good to Trixie.” Fluttershy motioned with her hoof again, and Trixie turned the page absent mindedly. The next image showed some kind of tiny, insect-like bird with four wings. Which Trixie figured ought to keep Fluttershy entertained for a little while. Come on, Trixie, you’ve gotten this far. Just, I dunno, do a yawn and stretch. It’s a classic. If by classic you mean obvi—Oh? Catching sight of movement, Trixie put her mental war on hold, and glanced down towards the couch. The previously empty zone in between them now had one single creamy hoof resting on the imaginary line. Trixie swallowed nervously. There was no telling if the hoof had simply landed there in an inattentive moment, when Fluttershy lowered her hoof after spotting the strange bird, or if she purposefully had put out the invitation for Trixie to notice. It’s Fluttershy! She’s not going to get any more obvious than this! Painfully aware of just how much of a wishy-washy coward she was being, Trixie carefully slid her hoof over Fluttershy’s. And Fluttershy… pulled her hoof away, startled by the sudden contact, opening what felt like a crushing void in Trixie’s chest as she did so. After locking eyes with Fluttershy for just a brief moment, Trixie looked away. “S-sorry… Uh, Trixie didn’t notice, and—” Her breath caught, as she felt Fluttershy hook her hoof around Trixie’s. Shooting Fluttershy a surprised and questioning look, Trixie only caught sight of Fluttershy smiling nervously for a brief second, before she quickly turned away and let her mane fall in between them. Her grip stayed exactly where it was however. Staring down at their entwined hooves for a long moment, Trixie felt a warm cozy feeling traveling up her foreleg and through her chest. Smiling, she returned her attention to the book, turning the page whenever Fluttershy squeezed. There wasn’t any further need for words between the two mares. Which was a good thing considering Trixie wasn’t sure Fluttershy even had an audible voice right now. It was strange how few things were really needed to make an evening feel perfect. Just the quiet twilight of the setting sun, a loved one, and a book about the most monstrous creatures ever to roam Equestria, to share of course. As the sky grew darker, and it became harder to read, Trixie ventured a courageous attempt at a basic light spell. Shining a soft orchid light upon the pages while they read on. The next page featured a phoenix. One of the most magnificent images in the book, it was even in color! A beautiful red and golden bird that rose with its wings spread across the page from a fireball. It was so lifelike that it seemed to brighten and warm the room a little all on its own. Tearing her eyes away from the book, Trixie noticed to her surprise how clearly she could see everything in the room. Her light spell was not supposed to be that powerful. Not that she doubted her own ability to create a bright light if she wanted to of course, but this light was enough for her to think it was nearing dawn. Looking out the window, Trixie noticed the sun rise. Had they really been up all night already? It felt much too soon, but she couldn’t argue with the facts. Ever brighter light washed across the world. She gave Fluttershy a gentle nuzzle. “Hey, we better get some rest. Unless you’d like to explain at dinner that Trixie kept you up all night? Dashie would be jealous. Actually, that sounds like fun.” Before Fluttershy could respond, a bright beam of sunlight shone through the window. Its heat scorched the floor in the middle of the room, then, the light slowly coalesed into a bright, white form. Blinding beams quickly turned to flesh, and before Trixie could react, Princess Celestia was standing in front of her. Her eyes locked onto Trixie with a molten fury. Trixie could feel Fluttershy starting to breath heavier next to her, which in turn caused Trixie to feel even more panicked. Within Celestia's magical aura was held a book. The cover was smoldered and twisted beyond recognition just by being in her presence, but there was no doubt as to which one it was. "Did you think I would not find out, Trixie?" Her mere voice held enough heat to singe the couch as she spoke. The smell of smoke was becoming more and more prevalent as Celestia stared Trixie down. Frozen with wide-eyed terror at the sight of Celestia with the book, Trixie trembled while she wrapped her hooves around Fluttershy. Mercifully, Fluttershy hugged her back while muttering unintelligibly. With only the slightest shift, Celestia's eyes moved to look at Fluttershy. Trixie literally felt the heat lessen as she glanced away, but her heart nearly froze over as she saw the mix of regret, and resolve within the Princess's glowing eyes. “T-Trixie…” It felt like how she might have to start a sentence, but she had no idea what to say next. “P-Princess?” Fluttershy managed to choke the word out. “Wh-what ar—” With a flash of golden light, Fluttershy froze stiff, then vanished right out from Trixie’s grasp. Suddenly off balance, Trixie tumbled off the couch, crashing down at Celestia’s hooves. "Oh, Trixie, why is it that you always feel the need to drag others down with you?" The heat returned as Celestia's eyes found hers again. This time though, Trixie was far too numb to even notice the heat. Seeing no answer was forthcoming, Celestia continued. "Once again, I have had to stop you from hurting somepony. She may be a traitor, but I will never lose a pony to you if I can help it. "And now," Celestia shook the book, its pages nearly ablaze now due to the heat, "My student has shown you for the creature you really are. "Why," Celestia said, almost wistfully to herself. "Why did I ever think a monster like you deserved freedom? Which other elements have you begun to corrupt? I understand Kindness would like to see Tartarus, perhaps Loyalty needs to join her as well? Is Honesty in need of help overcoming your lies and twisted half-truths!?" “N-no, p-please.” Trixie prostrated herself before Celestia, her entire body shook violently. “T-Trixie’s f-fault.” She dared not look directly at the sun goddess. Celestia ignored her plea. “I was too merciful.” She pulled Trixie off the ground, pulling back painfully on her mane to force Trixie to crane her head up and look into her face. "Where light touches, your dark ambitions cannot hide, Trixie. I see your intent, your lies, your murderous nature, I see it all now. This book was the last piece I needed to see just how truly lost you are to the world." The scorching heat was already too much to bear. Trixie’s tears evaporated from her eyelids before they ever reached her cheeks. Trixie could barely see, there was so much light, so much pain from the pressure on her mane. So much heat. Celestia seemed to guess her thoughts as she spoke, "You haven't even started to feel what real heat is, Trixie. Here, let me show you...” Trixie awoke, desperately gasping for air. For a terrifying moment, her lungs felt as though they were on fire, The heat radiating off of her body was unbearable, and she desperately tossed the covers off of her. After several panicked minutes, the cool night air finally began to cool her down, causing her panic to slightly fade. Panting heavily, Trixie found herself forced to look at the shadowy headboards of the bed again by somepony pulling on her mane. She didn’t even need to check to know that Fluttershy was responsible. Whatever the fascination that mare had with her mane had to stop, or at least be less destructive, but right now it felt more reassuring than anything. There was darkness all around, but Trixie remembered what had happened now. She was home, this was Fluttershy’s bedroom. That’s right. They’d finished the ‘C’ list of creatures, then gone straight to bed. She could feel the soft mare, safely cuddled up in her grasp. Trixie hadn't even realized she was clinging to Fluttershy, having just been concerned about removing the intense heat. Funny enough, Trixie was finding the warmth from Fluttershy to be soothing as opposed to unbearable. By some miracle, her thrashing had not wrenched Fluttershy from her sleep. Trixie pulled Fluttershy against her as tightly as she dared, quietly sobbing with relief. She’s okay! It was just a dream. Rationally, Trixie knew that The Element of Kindness, Fluttershy, was exceedingly unlikely to suffer any severe punishment. She was too important. But, that didn't stop the fearful pattering in her chest. After a couple of long moments, and with some magical assistance, Trixie pried herself free from Fluttershy. She rolled out of the bed, and crashed on the ground, wincing as her elbow impacted the solid wooden floor. She could have sworn the bed was closer to the ground. Trixie bit her tongue to keep quiet, then she scrambled her way out of the bedroom as quietly as possible. The nightmares were getting worse. It could not be mere coincidence that the worst of them had started right as her life was taking such a wonderful turn for the better. If they were omens, then did that mean she was putting Fluttershy, and Dashie, in danger with her selfishness? N-no, that can't be it. T-Trixie deserves to be happy, doesn't she? The words rung just as hollow and false as they had in the hospital. Trixie paced small, nervous circles in the living room, struggling to calm down. A scuffling noise on the stairs froze Trixie in her tracks. Had she woken up Fluttershy with her hoofsteps? Of course she had. What was she even thinking, stumbling around in the living room like a drunken centaur at this hour? Whatever hour it may have been. “Sorry, did Trixie wak—Ugh, it’s you.” Trixie growled, watching the treacherous rabbit hop down the steps. He stopped once he saw her however, ensuring he stayed just high enough on the stairs to stare down at her. Those evil, beady, little eyes glinting at her from the darkness. “Go away before Trixie feeds you to ‘Manny’. Where did you even come from?” She hissed at the rabbit. He didn’t answer. Of course he didn’t answer. He was a rabbit! More importantly, he just sat there staring at her, silently judging like he was some kind of grand arbiter. Somehow, he’d gotten back into the house. Then again, Trixie was not sure he was ever actually banished from it in the first place. So much for that ‘talk’ Fluttershy said she had with him. More likely was that Fluttershy had merely told him to avoid her until she’d cooled down enough not to make good on her threats. She wasn’t going to let him get to her. All Trixie had to do was just ignore him and focus on what really mattered. Without really thinking about it, she started pacing again. Maybe it won’t be so bad. P-Princess Luna is on Trixie’s side, right? Or is she? Shouldn’t Trixie be seeing her, instead of just nightmares? It’s not really known how she works in the dreamscape, or even if she really do—Is he still standing there?! From the corner of her eyes, she caught sight of Angel, still on the stairs as though he were above her. Grinding her teeth, Trixie looked away again. But it was so real! There’s no way these are just normal dreams! Even so, would she help Trixie? What if she’s only using Trixie to distract her sister while she puts her real plan in motion? It doesn’t matter, Trixie can only rely on Trixie anyway. Then think of something you can do! Looking up from her concentrated effort of wearing a circular groove into the wooden floorboards, Trixie saw Angel still looking down on her. “What!?” She snapped at him. A split second later, she flinched, laying her ears flat against her head. Fool! Fluttershy’s asleep! She was not the only one who noticed, as Angel looked over his shoulder up at the bedroom door. A tense couple of seconds passed. No noise came from the bedroom. Trixie let out a breath she had not realized she’d been holding, sighing with relief. She found it was a little funny that, even with Fluttershy’s potential banishment on the line, it felt so important not to stir Fluttershy from her slumber. Apparently equally assured of Fluttershy’s continued rest, Angel looked back at Trixie. Feeling the brief moment of unspoken agreement between the two of them, Trixie almost smiled, but she caught herself. The despicable creature deserved no such recognition. A sentiment he appeared to share, as she once again found herself on the foul end of his glower. Not to be outdone by a rodent, Trixie scowled back at him. “What do you want from Trixie? You think this is funny?” she hissed under her breath. She had to fight to keep her voice down. Aggravatingly, he didn’t react at all to her question. Instead, he looked away, and began cleaning his fur. Trixie swore it was his way of implying she was less important than a spot of dirt on his fur. His wretched pristine, white, fur. Arrogant little rat. Now that she thought about it, it was the same pure white as that of Princess Celestia. Perhaps he truly was her agent. It would certainly explain why his preferred method of torture was attempting to burn her. “Just leave Trixie alone.” It didn’t come out as commanding as she had hoped, more like a plea. Naturally, it went unheard. Trixie shuffled in place, torn between her desire of leaving the room just to get away from him, and her need to show no weakness before him, or her, or both. After staring at the agent quietly for a time, she whispered, “It’s not fair. You cannot punish Trixie just for being here.” Angel stopped, and looked in her direction again, tilting his head. “Trixie is trying to be good!” She stage whispered, stomping one hoof down on the floor with a dull thud. “J-Just because you don’t like her, or think she’s a bad influence. Trixie is just trying to be happy, and she’s happy with her life now! Don’t try to take that away, Trixie won’t let you! Won’t let anypony!” Breathing faster, Trixie felt her legs wobble, and gave another stomp against the floor in hopes of forcing the weakness out of her bones. “Trixie deserves to be happy! D-deserves a c-chance.” She faltered, struggling to swallow while she did her best to believe her own words. She’d long since stopped talking to Angel. “S-she does!” Too loud. In the silence that followed, not a peep was heard from upstairs for a time. But then, soft noises came down the stairs. Startled, Trixie’s eyes darted up to the top of the stairs, fighting to see in the darkness. But, to her confusion, she found nopony there. Tracking down the noise, she caught sight of Angel, just as he hopped down the last step, and made his way into the kitchen. Finally alone, Trixie rested her head against the couch. “She does…” There was no telling what the hour was, but it was pitch black outside. As though not even the stars had seen fit to make an appearance. Everything felt wrong. The gnawing feeling of unease that had been with her before dinner was back with a vengeance, carving a rough picture of Twilight Sparkle. Why had she ever thought it would be okay to leave the book with her? Because she thought she had Twilight fooled? You idiot! Twilight was smart, frightfully so. They’d spoken long enough for Trixie to have a faint idea of how much knowledge she possessed, so why had she assumed she would be so easily deceived? It made much more sense to assume Twilight was merely acting the fool to lull Trixie into a false sense of security. And Celestia was certainly no fool; she’d ruled Equestria for centuries, and Twilight was her hoof-picked apprentice. Surely the student would have to be at least half as cunning. There was no way that such a fumbling performance had actually fooled her. T-this is bad. She is going to tell Celestia the book is Trixie’s! Even if she doesn’t, Celestia should know scrying spells to use on it, or something! Oh, why did Trixie leave it behind? She'd been a fool. Twilight had fed her exactly the right lies to make it seem as though it was safe to abandon the book. To get Trixie in trouble Twilight would need her name, location and the evidence. Now she had all three. If Trixie is to fix this... The easiest of the three to remove would be location... but that means Trixie has to run away. She'd already determined that she would rather take on all of Ponyville than abandon Fluttershy and Dash, but facing Princess Celestia... She quickly shook her head. No running! She could attempt to intercept the book somehow, but she had no idea where the post office even was. And even if she did, she would still be confronted with Twilight, who probably had no intention of handing it over if Trixie just asked nicely. The only thing she could think of was silencing Twilight. An exceedingly terrible idea which even in her near state of panic was blindingly obvious to Trixie as something that would end really really badly. Sinking through her trembling legs, Trixie covered her head and closed her eyes. Maybe, if she was lucky, this was all just another bad dream. All she had to do was wake up, and everything would be just fine. That's when she felt a rabbit foot kick her in the side. No such luck. Trixie is going to kill that thing. As soon as she’s figured out how to deal with Fluttershy in the aftermath. Opening her eyes, Trixie saw Angel take a few hops back away from her. Apparently judging himself to be at safe distance, he turned around to glare at her again. Same as ever. Trixie returned the glare. “Still alive, too bad, huh?” Catching a glint of something in the dark, Trixie broke away from her glaring contest. It was just a hoof length away from her, but it was difficult to make out. It almost looked like… “A glass of water?” It made no sense, she was sure she hadn’t gotten it, or had she? Perhaps she blacked out, or was so in thought that her magic just acted on its own to soothe her dry throat? Now that she thought about it, her throat did feel awfully dry. Reaching for the glass, Trixie stopped herself. Slowly, she looked back towards Angel, who was watching her intently with those evil little eyes glistering in the darkness. “Did you do this? For Trixie?” Angel turned his head away from her and closed his eyes with a huff, as though to say it wasn’t because he liked her or anything. “How nice of you. Some ‘water’ for Trixie.” She reached out her hoof and smacked the glass away. She couldn’t see it, but she could hear some kind of liquid splash across the wooden floor, and the dull grinding sound as the glass rolled away. “Did you think Trixie would fall for it? Hah!” In two quick hops, Angel disappeared into the darkness. Apparently he’d realized his scheme had failed to make her drink… Well, whatever was really in that glass. Probably hot sauce, if he was sticking to the theme. Feeling strangely reinvigorated by the minor victory, Trixie rose up to her hooves, kicking the glass under the couch. What had she even thought she was doing, laying down in defeat like that? There had to be a way out of this! There must be something else! Maybe, maybe Trixie could finish that story about Princess Luna, and hope it counts for something? Now she was just getting desperate. Wait! Maybe Fluttershy will know what to do. Trixie leapt up to her hooves. She’d nearly forgotten, she didn’t have to solve the problem all by herself anymore; Fluttershy had been a great help before. Although, that did mean she would have to tell Fluttershy everything. Her intestines tied themselves in knots just at the very idea. Besides, it meant getting Fluttershy involved, but what choice did she have? First thing in the morning, she’d come clean with Fluttershy, and hope they would have some brilliant insight that she, Trixie, was missing. For right now however, she didn’t feel at all like going back to bed. Her nerves were eating away at every fiber of her being. Igniting her light spell, Trixie trotted over to the closet she’d used to stash her ‘less savory’ books in. If this is Trixie’s last night as a free mare, she might as well make the most of it… Ugh, that’s pathetic. She tried not to think about what it said about her that this was the best idea she could come up with while she rummaged through the closet. With a spark of magic, she pushed aside the few hastily stacked together boxes, revealing her precious book stash in the soft glow of her horn. Well… what do you feel like having tonight, Trixie? A pirate story perhaps? Something a little more medieval? No, it has to be—Huh. What is that thing? Trixie’s eyes were drawn to the black bundle that rested on top of the stack. It was difficult to spot the pitch black thing in the darkness, but now that she’d noticed it, a quick telekinesis spell pulled it out of the closet. A few small tugs, and the bundle unfolded. Immediately, Trixie remembered why she had this thing. The crazy pink pony had given it to her the day before and acted all annoying about it. Bleh, she was so hyper, and what even made her think that Trixie would ever want a black cat suit? It is so not Trixie’s color, it should be purple at least, with stars. What good is it if it would make Trixie nearly… impossible… to see… It was in times like these that Trixie really missed Rainbow Dash, because right now, there was simply no way she could facehoof herself hard enough.