The Misadventures of Osaka Jones

by RabidTonberry


Partying with an Elder God

A little Girl smiled and laughed as a Man pushed her on a swing. The Man was average sized, with short messy dark brown hair, and green eyes. The Girl was small, only five or six years old. She shared the same eyes but her hair was long and a deep black color.

The Man smiled as he pushed the Girl on the swing once more, causing the Girl to giggle out, “higher,” and the Man happily compiled giving her a much harder push.

The girl went up on the swing. Her body blocking the sun that shone in front of them for one glories instant. Then she came back down. Her skin burned black and cracking, her hair singed and frayed; her eyes sunken and gone.

The Man just stood there as he watched the swing, swing back and forth the Girl slowly dissolving to dust.

The Man sat down on the ground and cried.


I snapped my eyes open and lifted my head up. I groggily looked around. Everything looked blue, and the movement from my head was making the world spin. I looked down and saw I was lying on a white blurry cloud. “How did I get up here,” I mumbled out, laying my head back on the cloud so I could wait for the world to stop spinning.

“Did she follow us?” a voice asked from below me.

“Shh, keep it down Sweetie,” another voice whispered.

“I don’t think they followed us,” another hushed voice said.

Curious, I poked my head through the cloud and looked bellow me. Everything was still spinning and slightly out of focus, but I could make out what appeared to be a small orange blur flanked by an off white blur and a light yellow blur. Still curious and trying to get everything to focus; I leaned down a little too far causing me to fall. I tumbled onto the ground landing on my back right in front of them with a thud.

“Osaka?” they all gasped.

“I’m okay,” I said waving a foreleg.

There was a quick jump of movement from the orange blur and the next thing I knew it was pressed into my side hugging me.

“Oh thank Celestia, you’re alright. Rainbow and I were so, wait,” the blur pushed away. “You’re not one of them are you?”

“Whoda what now?” I breathed out.

“I’ll take that as a,” the blur (That I had come to realize to be Scootaloo.) stopped and gagged. She moved one of her blurry forelegs over her blurry face, “Gah, what did you eat Osaka? Your breath reeks.”

“Woo wee, it’s not just his breath Scoots. His whole body reeks,” The yellow blur (Apple Bloom) said. “He smells exactly like Granny’s private still.”

“That’s because I drank that too Yellow Blur. That crazy old bat was making gin! Are there hipsters in Equestria? We could make so much money,” I rambled.

“Is he alright? He’s acting a little odd,” the white blur (Sweetie Belle) whispered to the other blurs.

“I think he’s drunk.”

“That’s not good we really need an adult right now.”

“I’m an adult,” I slurred.

“We need a sober adult right now Mr. Jones,” the white blur answered.

“You’re out of luck then. I’m going to crawl back into the cellar and drink more barrels.”

“Barrels?” the orange blur asked.

“Whiskey,” I answered rolling over and slowly dragging myself back to the barn. “I think I left a few barrels undisturbed.”

“Girls hold him down for a couple of minutes. I got an idea,” I heard one of them say before I was jumped on by the two filly blurs.

I struggled underneath them but I couldn't dislodge them, which in hindsight I probably could have just stood up. They were just little fillies after all, but I didn't think of that at the time.

The yellow blur reappeared in front of me. She was holding something green in her hoof, and with one swift motion she shoved it down my throat. I tried to cough and spit it out but the other two clamped their hooves around my mouth, and one of them started to rub my throat forcing me to swallow. As soon as it went down and hit my stomach I bolted straight up knocking the two fillies that were holding me down clear off me as I dashed to the nearest shrub I could find. So I could empty my stomach behind it.

“Woah, what did you give him Apple Bloom?”

Mintslysicsa, it’s an herb that Zecora grows that can sober a pony up real quick. Big Mac usually keeps some around in case of emergencies.”

“What kind of emergencies?”

“Uh, Granny kind of has a problem.”

“I’ll say. You really need to tell that woman that I’m not into old ladies,” I yelled before another fit of vomiting took ahold of me.

“I really didn’t need to hear that,” Apple Bloom yelled back.

I just waved her off.

-Five Minutes Later-

“Wow, I can’t believe he’s still going.”

“He’s not going to die is he?”

“No Sweetie, he’s not gonna die. But he might end up killing that shrub.”

“Screw you and your shrub Apple Bloom,” I gagged. “Ugh, does any pony have a rag or something I can wipe my face with?” I whimpered.

“I’m coming Osaka,” Scootaloo sighed picking up a rag that Apple Bloom brought out. “What happened that made you want to drink so much anyway?”

“Rainbow didn’t tell you?”

“No, she just said that you disappeared.”

“…”

“So, umm what happened?”

I wiped some vomit off my face and shrugged.

“Osaka…” Scootaloo began.

“Now’s not really the time to talk about it Scootaloo,” I interrupted.

Scootaloo closed her mouth and mumbled out an, “Okay.”

I ruffled her mane and was able to get a little smile out of her as Sweetie Belle walked up to us, “So are you feeling better now Mr. Jones?” Sweetie asked.

“Well my head hurts and I’m pretty sure I just emptied my entire stomach behind that bush, but the world has stopped spinning and everything isn’t blurry anymore. So yea I think I’m okay now. Now why do you girls need an adult?”

“Because of that,” Apple Bloom said pointing behind me towards town.

I turned around and I raised an eyebrow at what I saw. High above Ponyville was a swirling mass of clouds all colored in various shades of red, “How didn’t I notice that before?” I mumbled. I looked back to the CMC, “I told you Pinkie Pie was a cultist.” I sighed shaking my head.


I crouched through the forest that lined the one side of Ponyville, following the three little fillies that were filling me in on what happened to the town during my little bender in hushed voices. “It was the strangest thing I ever saw, I tell ya,” Apple Bloom began, “Lyra tripped on a banana peel outside of Sugarcube Corner, and suddenly clouds began to gather around the town and the sky started turning dark red. Then Pinkie Pie appeared and began jumping around shouting that somepony was here. Then this White Pegasus with a blonde mane descended from the sky, and everypony adult started dancing and partying while Pinkie started rounding up all of the foals.”

“Luckily we were able to escape while she got distracted with Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara,” Scootaloo added.

“We just got to Sweet Apple Acres and were trying to figure out what to do when you decided to fall to the ground,” Sweetie finished.

“I didn’t decide to fall Sweetie. I tripped,” I mumbled poking my head through a bush and glancing around the deserted Ponyville Street. “Well I’m not seeing anypony dancing or partying.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders poked their heads through the bush as well and looked around.

“Huh, I wonder where they all could have gone.” Sweetie asked.

“Well they have to be around here somewhere,” Scootaloo said emerging from the bush and onto the street.

“Hold on Scoot’s,” I said emerging from the bush. “You better stay behind me during this. Rainbow would kill me if something happened to you, and I would let her if I accidentally let something happened to you.” Scootaloo lightly blushed and nodded her head retreating back towards me and standing at my side. “That goes for you two as well,” I said looking at Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. “The last thing I need is your sisters and family plotting my downfall.” They nodded their heads and stuck close to me as we walked around Ponyville. Eventually we felt it. A deep explosion of bass that rumbled across the ground vibrating our hooves, “Dubstep,” I muttered. “Come on girls we’re getting close,” I said turning a corner. My ears perked up detecting the music as we crept ever closer leading us to City Hall.

The rustic wooden structure was shaking from the assault of music that came from within it. Brightly forever changing neon colored lights flashed forth from every open window burning my retinas. “I think we found the place girls,” I said approaching the door.

I opened the door and was greeted with the sight of furry pony bodies dancing and grinding close together. The scent of alcohol, depravity, and bad decisions permeated the air. “This is my kind of party. Too bad it will end the world if we don’t stop,” I said walking into the building and pushing my way through the crowd of dancing ponies. “Alright girls stay close to me, and if you see something that your little filly minds can’t comprehend just repress it and will work on the emotional trauma once it resurfaces when you’re older. Got it?”

“Got it!” they chimed out as they stuck close to me.

We forced our way through the foyer turned drunken pony dance floor and made our way to a more opened area that housed a rather elaborate large water fountain. That on any other given day would simply be filled with water, but today it was spewing out clear amber liquid that gave off the distinct smell of apples. There were various ponies dipping in plastic red cups to get a drink, and one distinctive plum colored pony with her whole muzzle plunged into the free flowing cider.

“Berry, Berry, Berry,” I mumbled shaking my head. “Okay girls start looking around this area for Rainbow and the others but don-, “I was cut off by Sweetie tugging on my leg to get my attention. “Yes Sweetie?”

“Mr. Jones what does it mean when two mares kiss each other?” she asked innocently.

I raised an eyebrow at her, “Sweetie if you wanted me to answer a question like that you should have asked when I was lying drunk in the field. That’s really something you should ask your sister so just repress it for now. A little emotional trauma never hurt anyone.”

“Well I would ask Rarity, but she’s over there kissing Applejack at the moment,” she said pointing to a nearby corner where Applejack had Rarity pinned down on her back and was in the process of a furious make out session.

“Hmm…Well…I uhhh,” I stammered.

“Osaka,” Scootaloo yelled from the other room.

I rushed off to find her saving myself from having an awkward life talk with Sweetie. I found Scootaloo in another room that also held more dancing ponies, and she was pointing off to one group in particular. It was a group composed of Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, and Trixie all dancing together in what can only be described as a twerking/grinding train of female on female pleasure.

“You know, I know we’re not an official couple yet and we haven’t even gone on one date yet, but I am really jealous right now.”

“It looks like they’re in some kind of trance? Like they been cursed or something,” Apple Bloom said joining us.

“Princess Twilight once told me during our Twilight time. That you can stop most curses by giving a pony a visual shock,” Sweetie added joining us as well.

“A shock you say?” I replied searching around the room trying to find something I could use to shock Rainbow Dash out of her partying trance. I looked around until I spotted a certain blue Pegasus stallion that was enjoying some not so innocent company with a certain yellow Earth Pony stallion. I licked my lips. “Alright girls depending on your upbringing you might want to look away,” I said walking towards the pair of stallions.

I separated the two stallions from their embrace and yelled, “Hey Rainbow look over here!” Rainbow brought her vacant trance like gaze onto me and I kissed Soarin. I kissed Soarin hard, tongue and all. He resisted at first, but he eventually accepted his fate. In the corner of my eye I saw Apple Bloom looking the other way an in attempt to not watch, but she was. Sweetie Belle was covering her eyes with a foreleg and blushing profusely. Scootaloo was giving off a wolf whistle, and right behind her was an angry looking Rainbow Dash quickly flying her way towards me. I separated from Soarin right before she collided with him.

“Soarin what did I say was going to happen if you seduced Osaka?” Rainbow growled at the confused looking stallion that she had pinned down on his back.

“Rainbow? What’s going on?” Soarin stammered.

“You were kissing Osaka! That’s what’s going on!”

“Oh, Soarin how could you!” Braeburn cried.

“Woohoo it worked!” The Cutiemark Crusaders and I cheered.

“Huh,” they replied.

“You can get off of Soarin, Rainbow. I kissed him, but it was the only way to break the trance that you were in,” I explained to Rainbow as I pulled her off of Soarin.

“I was in a trance?”

“Yup, everyone here is in a partying trance,” I said gesturing to all the ponies around us.

“So Soarin and I were in a trance as well?” Braeburn asked.

“Indeed you were. Now what was the last thing you guys remember? How did this happen?”

“Well the last thing I remember is that we were all out looking for you and then there was a flash of red light and then it gets all rather fuzzy,” Rainbow began but stopped as a thought occurred to her and she narrowed her eyes at me. “Where the hell did you disappear to? You know how worried I was!” Her gaze softens and she bit her lip, “Why did you run away like that?”

“Now’s not really the time Rainbow,” I sighed. “We need to break the trance on the rest of our friends first.”

Rainbow opened her mouth in an attempt to argue but she knew I was right. This wasn’t really the time and place for an argument and she sighed, “Okay Osaka, tell me what we have to do.”

We split up and began to hunt down our friends. I cornered Princess Luna, Twilight and Trixie on the dance floor. I kissed Twilight and Trixie. Their reaction was to immediately slap me, so that worked. I turned to Luna and yelled, “You are not best Princess!” Which caused her to slap me as well, and that really hurt. Rainbow found Applejack and shoved a nearby pear down her throat. To free Rarity Rainbow just messed up her mane. Soarin found Berry, with her head still submerged in the cider fountain. He slid up next to her and whispered into her ear, “Its nonalcoholic.” Her resulting scream was loud enough to startle Fluttershy and break her from her trance. To free Bulk all I had to do was tell him that his left bicep was sagging a bit. To free Vinyl and Octavia, I smashed one of Vinyl’s records while Braeburn threatened to destroy Octavia’s cello. As for Lyra; I told her Bon Bon didn’t love her anymore. And she cried. Then I felt bad so I gave her a hug.

“You know none of you believed me when I told you that Pinkie Pie was a cultist. Not a single one of you and now look where we are now,” I gloated in front of our reassembled forces. We had commandeered the Mayors empty office so we could come up with a plan.

“Alright we get it Osaka. We’re sorry we didn’t believe you,” Twilight said.

“Apology accepted Twilight. Now does any pony have a plan?”

They all shook their heads.

“Good, cause neither do I.”

“Perhaps we should find Pinkie Pie. She may have an idea on how to end this,” Luna suggested.

“Can’t you and Twilight just blast this elder pony into oblivion? You two are like pony gods or something right?” I asked.

Luna sighed, “I don’t think it would work Osaka. This elder god was able to disable Twilight and I with relative ease. A full frontal assault would be most unwise.”

“What if we get Cadance and Celestia to help,” asked Fluttershy?

“I have been unable to get ahold of them. I fear that may also be under the elder ponies curse. And I’ve been unable to sense Discords presence either.”

“Well that’s not good,” Applejack said.

“Excuse me Osaka I have a question.”

“What is it Rarity?”

“If this is affecting everypony in Equestria, why didn’t it affect you?” Rarity asked.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Maybe it was because I was hiding.”

“Yea where were you hiding Osaka?” Vinyl inquired.

“In the Apple Family’s cellar,” I simply replied.

“But that’s the first place we all looked.”

“Well you didn’t check inside the barrels.”

“You were inside one of the barrels?” Applejack questioned.

“Of course, what else was I supposed to do? I didn’t have a cup on me after all.” I said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

They all just rolled their eyes and sighed. “Well that explains why he smelt so bad when we found him,” Scootaloo added.

“Ahem, I think we’re getting off topic here,” Twilight began. “I believe Luna’s idea is the best one at the moment. So let’s split up and start scouring the building for her.”

“Wait, I have an idea so anticlimactic that it might work,” I stated.

“You what now?” Applejack asked.

“Hey Pinkie Pie can you come here for a second?” I smiled.

Twilight rolled her eyes, “Do you really thin-“

“Hey Osaka did you call?” Pinkie asked appearing from behind Twilight.

“Why do I even bother,” Twilight huffed walking away and shaking her head.

“Pinkie why did you bring this Elder Pony onto this world?” Luna asked.

“Yea Pinks, I’m always up for a party but I don’t want the world to end because of one,” Vinyl added.

“Well it seemed like a good idea at the time,” Pinkie meekly answered.

“At the time? So what happened?” I asked.

“Wellll apparently in order for Surprise to reach her full power in this realm she needs to drain the energy from every party pony in Equestria, and I really don’t want to go through that. I mean just look at what she did to Cheese Sandwich,” she said pulling out an orange stallion with a brown curly mane from underneath the mayor’s desk.

“Weird Al?”

“Let me go Pinkie I need to get home and file my taxes,” the stallion hazily mumbled out.

“Oh Cheesy I’m so sorry. I didn’t know this was gonna happen but don’t worry Auntie Pinkie will fix up this mess,” Pinkie reassured the stallion petting his mane.

“So that literature you tried to give me didn’t say that this was going to happen,” I questioned.

“I never read past the part that said Endless Party,” Pinkie answered rubbing the back of her neck and awkwardly looking away.

We all facehoofed.

“So where is this Surprise? Perhaps we can try and reason with her,” Twilight asked.

“Oh, she’s downstairs manning the turntables since Vinyl abandoned her post,” Pinkie answered.

“What she’s touching my setup!” Vinyl screamed prancing out of the office.

“Vinyl wait!” Octavia shouted chasing after her with Lyra trailing behind.

“Whelp, so much for coming up with a plan,” Twilight sighed as we all hurried out of the room after them.

The main dance floor, which is usually just a normal assembly hall for gatherings, was abuzz. Ponies moved left, right, bobbed, and weaved with the high energy of the music. And the pony controlling that music was a snow white Pegasus with a curly blonde mane. She looked like just another regular pony. Not really what I thought an elder god would look like. I mean she didn't even have tentacles, or nothing.

Vinyl ran up to the stage her gear was set on, “Hey I don’t like it when random ponies touch my setup,” Vinyl screamed at the white mare.

Surprise lifted her head from the turntable and regarded Vinyl with a curious stare, “Well what was I supposed to do? You abandoned your post and I just couldn’t let the music stop playing,” she stated in a calm voice. “But more importantly,” she flicked her wrist and vinyl went flying into the wall behind them pinning her to it by some unseen force, “Why aren’t you partying little pony?” Surprise asked, her eyes shining red.

“Vinyl!” Octavia shrieked alerting Surprise to our presence.

Surprise released Vinyl. She collapsed onto the floor and quickly scurried away back to us. “Well well well looks like we have a bunch of Party Foulers,” Surprise growled.

Pinkie gasped, “How dare you! I am no Party Fouler! You take that back,” Pinkie yelled at Surprise shaking an angry hoof at her.

“Oh Pinkie there you are! I’ve been looking for you all over the place,” she smiled.

“Oh shit,” Pinkie said as she felt herself being lifted up by Surprise’s elder magic.

“Pinkie!” we all shouted.

“Oh you didn’t worry about her my little ponies. After all you’ll be too busy partying to care about anything,” she said lifting a hoof into the air releasing a red blast of energy that washed over us. Immediately every pony started dancing with a vacant look on their face. Well everyone except for me and the CMC we kind of just stood there looking at each other and our friends with confusion on our faces. “You orange one will you be a dear and get the children out of here. This isn’t really a kid friendly party after all,” Surprise simply said turning around and beginning to walk with Pinkie floating behind her.

I looked at the CMC’s who just shrugged in confusion. I looked back at Surprise, “Ummm, no?”

The Elder God stopped, “What did you say?” She turned around and glared at me.

“I…said no,” I answered slightly confused.

Surprise lifted her hoof and shot another beam of red light at me. “Take the fillies to their party and return here so you can dance and drink yourself to death,” she said shining the beam into my eyes as it began to pulse and change into an array of different colors.

I shielded my eyes and looked away, “Would you stop that? Do you want me to go blind?”

Surprise stopped and blinked, in well surprise. She muttered, “Ho…how…no one...ho,” she stopped and narrowed her eyes. She let go of Pinkie and she flew down to me. She narrowed her eyes and studied me while walking a complete circle around me. “What are you?” she asked. “The only thing my power is useless against is children. My magic is only for the eighteen and over variety.”

I remained silent.

“You’re no pony. You look like one, but you don’t feel like one. You’re presence, you’re aura is off it’s to…cynical…to dark…” she smiled.

“You’re right I’m not a pony, but no one seems to believe me soo,” I trailed off shrugging.

“I believe you Osaka,” Scootaloo said.

I patted her on the head and smiled, “I know you do.”

“How did you get here?” Surprise asked.

“Don’t know,” I replied walking off towards Soarin so I could start the process of breaking every ponies trance again.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Surprise asked as I once again kissed Soarin. No tongue that time.

“Freeing my friends,” I absent mindlessly replied as I watched Rainbow tackle Soarin again.

“I’ll just enchant them again you know?”

“Yea, you could do that,” I said dodging Princess Luna’s slap. “But you can’t enchant me. So I guess will keep doing this for all eternity then,” I smiled.

“I could just destroy you,” she glared.

“Aww, but where’s the fun in that? This is a party after all.”

“True…so what did you have in mind?”

“Well,” I said patting Lyra on the head who was crying over Bon Bon again, “We are surrounded by an infinite supply of liquor.”

“And?”

“I bet I can drink you under the table.”

Surprise busted out in laughter, “Are you serious? I am an Immortal God! I am the very embodiment of partying itself!” she mocked.

“And I’m Osaka Shanghai Twist Jones! I just spent the greater part of the past 24 hours on a bender that involved barrels of liquor!” I countered.

“How many barrels?”

“Twenty-seven,” I answered.

“You drank twenty-seven barrels of our whiskey! We have to sell that stuff Osaka,” Applejack shouted in shock.

“Chill out Applejack will still have plenty to sell and we can always make more,” I told AJ. “Now what do you say Surprise are you up for it?”

“What do I get if I win?”

“You get to party in peace without me stopping you.”

“And what do you get if you win?”

“You lift your curse on everypony and leave.”

“Hmm,” Surprise pondered.

I smirked at her while she thought it over. At least until Rainbow grabbed me and pulled me into a hushed conversation, “Do you really think this is a good idea Osaka?”

“No not really, but this is the only thing I could come up with.”

“I think RabidTonberry is getting bored with this Plotline and wants to move on with the next half of the story,” Pinkie whispered inserting herself into our conversation in her usual unpredictable way.

I ignored Pinkie. “Don’t worry Rainbow I’m sure everything’s going to work out fine. Now it might be a good idea to get Scootaloo and the rest of the fillies out of here. Things are probably about to get weird.”

“That they are Osaka,” Surprise said appearing right next to me. “Things are about to get really weird,” She devilishly smiled.