//------------------------------// // You're Dead, Miner! // Story: The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) // by TundraStanza //------------------------------// A/N: Okay, so I wasn't really sure how to include three gunmen without sounding tedious. It's a "man vs. the world" kind of battle. Get ready for the onslaught. Properties belong to Hasbro, Screw Attack, and THQ. --- The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (15) ---Death Battle--- Man, I'm not sure which side I should feel more sorry for. The screen shows various snap shots of fighters with odds stacked against them, as if they were taking on the world. B shouts, "Woo-hoo! I've been waiting for another gun fight since forever." W states, "This time we're taking a lone soldier of space and putting him to the test against an army of Equestria's least favorite antagonists. Parker the surviving miner of the Red Faction will face the entire pack of Diamond Dogs." "He's W and I'm B." "And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle." ---Death Battle--- The screen parts to reveal a rather frustrated man in a red space suit. "Taking any chance to avoid being forced to attend Harvard by his parents," starts W, "Parker found the closest Ultor Corporation office and flew to Mars to join the mining colony." "College versus mining," comments B, "Easy choice, right?" "But not all was as it seemed and Parker quickly found himself caught in the middle of a Red Faction rebellion. With the guidance of a technician named Hendrix, Parker took up arms and fought against Ultor military and monsters created by Dr. Capek's nano-technology. After Hendrix died, Parker confronted the mercenary leader Masako and disarmed a bomb before Earth's Defense Force finally arrived." "Still beats college life marginally." "Parker wears the envirosuit, a suit specifically designed to protect against Mars' harsh climates. It allows Parker to breathe in space and under water, resist cold temperatures, and take more bullet damage than normal armor." "He carries a large arsenal of weapons. Some of which include a USP-16 pistol, a UBS-4 riot shield, a UCB-24 control baton, a UAP 32/20 sub machine gun, a UAS-18 shotgun, a UAR-42 assault rifle, a UFT-1 flame thrower, a UHG-90 hand grenade, a URC-15 remote charge, a URL-6T rocket launcher, a JF60 heavy suppression machine gun, an MK-SG-1 precision rifle, a USG-50 sniper rifle, an FCA-26 rail driver, and an F-1TL fusion rocket launcher. He can surprisingly carry all of his weapons at once." "Parker isn't too shabby with driving various vehicles on Mars. He can drive jeeps, submarines, helicopters, and fighter aircraft." "He was Gordon Freeman before Half-Life was cool." A cut scene reveals Parker complaining, "I haven't had a moment to myself since I got here." ---Death Battle--- A picture of 3 rather ugly designed canines takes the screen. "Diamond Dogs was a concept album design by David Bowie in 1974," says B. "Actually, B," corrects W, "We're talking about the Diamond Dogs from the Equestrian underground mines." "What?" "Led by Spot, Rover, and Fido, the Diamond Dogs find a fancy in searching their system of underground mines for precious gems and jewels. Aside from the leaders who wear no protection save for diamond-studded collars and red vests, each of the diamond dogs wears metal armor and carries a metal lance." "Yeah, there's not much else to say in the ways of attack, unless you include that their claws can dig through all kinds of rock regardless of hardness level." "The Diamond Dogs also seem to have access to rusty harnesses, mining carts, and rope. The leader Rover carries a dog whistle that he can use to summon the lesser Diamond Dogs." "Seriously, these guys are enemies?" "While they were successful at kidnapping Rarity and blocking their access tunnels in mere seconds, their weakness lied in their sensitive hearing. A combination of complaints and whining left them helpless against Rarity's specific needs and desires causing them to lose nearly all of their hoard." "So remember: to beat mutant dogs, you must cry like a b***h." The last scene before the title card shows Rover asking, "Smell?" before Rarity says, "Ah, mystery solved. It's your breath." ---Death Battle--- W concludes, "All right, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all." B declares, "It's time for a massacre Death Battle!" ---Death Battle--- The setting for this battle is a very large underground cave that seems to be made from mostly red rock. It's surprisingly well-lit. A man in a red envirosuit walks in from the right as the camera pans left to see three anthro canines wearing red vests and diamond studded collars. "FIGHT!" "You are one ugly son of a b***h!" declares the miner. He's deliberately vague about the dog to which he's referring. "Unleash the hounds!" yells Rover as he pulls out a dog whistle and blows. Various barks and howls are heard as hundreds of armored dogs run in from several passageways. "So many guns, I'm not sure which one to kill you with," ponders Parker, "Oh, I'll use this one." He pulls out his assault rifle. He lets out a barrage of gunshots. Conveniently, they all hit the unarmored skin of the Diamond dog underlings. Wow, look at that blood flying. I didn't think dogs had that much blood. The Red miner takes a moment to reload and switch out for his sub machine gun. More bullets fly and more Diamond Dogs come in through the various tunnels. Dang, this is really an unfair battle. It's like the dogs are all running to the slaughter house. Just look at that blood painting the floor in more red than the rock was already. He switches out for his flamethrower as some of the dogs suddenly develop common sense and start running away into the maze. "Oh, what a pussy," comments Parker, "Stop running away." He chases after one of the larger groups and burns some of them to a crisp while taking out a few others with his rail gun. "What nerve," he says, "they had me outnumbered." He keeps wandering the labyrinth of tunnels. Every time a group of Diamond Dogs comes out of hiding, he sicks them with his machine gun bullets. For single dogs that come around tight corners, he relies on shotgun pellets. "This place is like a labyrinth," notes Parker, "only there's no David Bowie in the center." Some of the dogs start running toward more specific areas of the tunnel maze. Parker tosses a few remote charges and hand grenades that blow them to ugly pieces of armor and dog meat. "Dogs, zero. Parker, oh... about a hundred by now," he tallies. One of the dogs braves throwing a lance, but Parker manages to deflect it with his UBS-4 riot shield. He uses a sniper round on that particular dog. His trek takes him to the center of the maze where the last remaining 3 Diamond Dogs remain. With nary a thought, he pulls out his rocket launcher. The huddled dog leaders are an easy target for the blast. The rocket leaves a bit of a smoky trail before impact. The floor is covered with debris and blood after the explosion. Parker takes out his pistol and then looks around disappointed. It seems there aren't any more enemies to shoot. "Aw, why'd you have to go and die?" he complains, "Now who am I going show up with my pistol skills?" "K.O.!" ---Death Battle--- "Dang," says B, "I don't think we've ever made such a lop-sided Death Battle before." "The Diamond Dogs' inferior battle experience made them sitting ducks for the life experience that Parker had. His versatile weaponry easily destroyed every one of the dogs in that maze. Despite the fact that the Diamond Dogs had experience living underground, Parker had that knowledge and then some." "P.E.T.A.'s going to sue." "The winner is Parker." His picture shows up on screen with his name underneath. ---Death Battle--- "Special thanks to emperorpsymon for providing the voice of Parker." "Thanks for watching." --- A/N: Go watch Parker's Mind by emperorpsymon on Youtube. It's freaking hilarious. Properties belong to their respective owners. I gain no profit for this. That enough bloodshed for you? Because there's more on the way.