//------------------------------// // Chapter 22. Victory Lap // Story: Resuscitatio Artium Magicarum // by Xomniac //------------------------------// Pinkie Pie blinked, looking back and forth to find who Scholar was addressing before looking back up at him and pointing her hoof at herself. “Me?” “Yes,” Scholar nodded in confirmation, waving his hand and dismissing the cage she was in. “You.” “Just for the record?” Nix piped up. “If you’re thinking about running? Take my advice: don’t.” “Or do!” Null cackled eagerly as he cocked a massive crossbow. “I’m fine with either! Nix is just sore because me and Veronica are neck and neck in sharpshooting, while she isn’t even in the running!” “NOT TRUE!” The green golem protested. “Kind of true.” Veronica waved her hand in a so-so manner. “Maybe true...” Nix admitted begrudgingly. “Ummm... excuse me?” The pink pony raised her hoof as she grinned sheepishly. “While I can appreciate some good black comedy... though I’m not sure how much of that you guys were joking about... what did you want my help with?” Scholar grinned eagerly as he leaned forwards and loomed over the pony. “I... want you...” The magus paused. Nix and Null chuckled ominously, rubbing their hands together in anticipation. Veronica rolled her eyes, Gavrill scoffed and Fran sighed at their creator’s antics. Gilda, Trixie and Iron Will looked at one another, exchanging looks of eager anticipation. Chrysalis raised her hoof to hide her smirk, Seath shook his head in mock exasperation despite his grin, Priscilla examined her nails in a bored manner and Cadance hung her head as she let out a tired groan. Rotfang, Lacewing and Chitter grinned and chuckled maliciously, though to be honest they’d been doing that for awhile now. Within their cages, Rarity swayed back and forth nervously on her hooves, Rainbow Dash and Applejack glared viciously at the human mage, though their determination was betrayed by the slight shaking in their legs. Twilight’s eyes darted about in confusion as she tried to think of a solution to their dilemma, and Fluttershy... the cream pegasus glanced around to make sure no one was watching before slipping a flask out of her feathers and taking a hasty swig from it and hiding it once more. Spike swallowed nervously as he watched with trepidation... and barely restrained fascination. Pinkie was the most high-strung of the lot. She was seated on her rear as she rapidly gnawed on the tips of her hooves, her eyes widened to an almost comical degree as she watched the decisive factor in her fate. Silence reigned as all present awaited what Scholar had to say with- “GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!” Pinkie cried as she flailed her hooves wildly. Scholar chuckled at her reaction. “Alright, alright. I need you...” “To throw a party.” A second passed. Then two. Finally... “YOU CREATED ALL THAT TENSION JUST TO ASK ME TO THROW YOU A STINKING PARTY!?” The pink pony shrieked indignantly. “Not just any party!” Scholar scoffed in mock offense. “The best party you can, city-wide, to commemorate the liberation of Vitrum! We need the best, and from what I’ve seen and heard, you are the best!” “Yeah!” Nix added eagerly. “We want you to throw the patriarch of all paloozas!” “The sultan of shindigs!” Null provided. “The sovereign of soirees?” Fran provided airily. “The biggest of blasts!” Veronica added with uncharacteristic childish glee. “The oligarch of wild, untamed-!” “HELL NO!” The mage and his other four creations roared indignantly. “OH SCREW YOU GUYS!” Gavrill roared. “We’d rather not, thanks...” Fran rolled her eyes. “Aww, but it’s the only kind of party I’ve never thrown!” Pinkie complained, her forelegs crossed. “Believe me, you’re not missing out on much, especially where Gavrill’s involved. Fran always has to stitch way too many people together once they’re done for my comfort.” Scholar groused before coughing into his fist. “Ahem, right, anyways...” He gave Pinkie a kind grin. “The fact of the matter is, this is a day to celebrate, and I would very much like it to be in style. The reception you threw was grand until we interrupted, which I would like to apologize for. I trust that none of my associates have any complaints?” Trixie and Iron Will looked at one another before shrugging indifferently. Gilda grimaced as though she’d swallowed a particularly vile insect and glared at the Party Pony as though she’d like nothing more than to open her throat (which she really would) before sighing heavily. “It might have been meant for dweebs, but I guess that the part of her party I saw was only half lame. I can bite my tongue.” “We just wanna drink booze and have fun!” Lacewing chortled. “The source doesn’t matter to us!” His twin snorted. “Personally, I’d rather snack on the fuckface than party with her...” Gavrill grinned ferociously. “Yeeees,” Veronica rolled her eyes. “And I’d rather see you act decent in some way, shape or form, but we both know that’s never going to-!” SLAM! “-GAH!” The short assassin flinched as her elder sister rammed her fist down on top of her head. The two bared their teeth and growled directly into one another’s faces before suddenly flying into a violent frenzy of limbs and blades. Spike swallowed uneasily as he observed the fray. “Are, uh, they going to be okay?” “After I get through with putting them back together?” Fran asked darkly as she cranked one of her bolts and played with a scalpel. “Debatable. Highly debatable.” “Eh, this happens all the time, ignore them.” Scholar waved the fight off. “Anyways, back on subject, you will, of course, be properly compensated for your troubles. So... what do you say?” Pinkie Pie blinked slowly before stretching her mouth in a face-splitting grin. “What do I say!? HECK-!” “PINKIE!” Four feminine shrieks and one squeak rang out. Pinkie flinched before retracting her eager smile to a shaky grin. “Ah, on second thought, I’m gonna have to take a raincheck on that. I-I just don’t have the supplies, not to mention I need time to plan it out...” She continued to smile nervously as she used one of her hooves to slide the papers lying around her into her tail. “Sorry... maybe I can help you throw a victory party some other time?” The pink pony swallowed nervously when Scholar didn’t react, merely pursing his lips as he looked down at her. Finally, he shrugged and took a step back. “Hey, that’s fine, it’s your choice. It’s not like I can force you, anyways.” “But first!” The red golem floated next to the pink mare and held out a pair of crimson metal headphones. “Here! A gift from us to you! If you’d put this on, there’s a song I’d like you to listen to!” Pinkie blinked in surprise before smiling and slipping the headphones over her ears and poofy mane. “Sure!” “Oh, here, let me help you with that!” Nix’s grin could be heard in her voice as she floated near Pinkie and began fiddling with the phones, green magic snapping out of her digits and into the device. “Thanks! So, uh...” Pinkie tilted her head as she watched Null toy with the a small red box that had multiple buttons and dials on it. “What song are you going to play? A heartsong? A Hearth’s Warming Eve carol? The Parasprite Polka?” “Wait, you guys still know that one?” Null asked in shock. “Huh, I’ll be damned. That song was old when I was young. I guess nothing really can kill polka after all... but anyways, nope! None of the above!” “Awww...” Pinkie slumped sadly before perking up. “So, what is it? What is it? What is it?” “Ohhh, just a little ditty known ‘The Mad Eldritch Ramblings of an Anchorite of the Chaos Prince of Pleasure and Debauchery’.” Null’s nonexistent grin widened as he slowly cranked up a knob on the box he was holding. “Played in three hundred decibels. An oldie but a goody.” “Wait a minute,” Scholar said in the background, tapping his chin in contemplation. “That title sounds familiar…” “Ooooh, that sounds like fun!” Pinkie clopped her hooves together eagerly before frowning as a thought struck her. “Wait... no it do-!” Null slammed his fist down on a button on the box. F͚͓̬̪ͪO̧̪̲̝̖̻̱͚R̞̭͓ͭ̇̈ͩ̑͌A͖̟̤͠Z̴͖̙O͉̠̺̺͇̰͎ͧͦͪ̓ͥ͊O̷̰͚͎̪̠O̜̮̐̌̒́̽͜O̫͔̕O̟͓͇̹̠ͣO͙̳̖͆̓͂̊͌ͅOͯO͖̟̮̅̆̕S̴͎̺̤̹̓̍̃̽͑̌̿H͓̫̰͔̏̆̑̓̋̕A̹̪͔̦ͮ͆ͤͧ͂͜!̨̮͎̗̱̑̿ͅ “-owoahwoahwoahwoahWOAHWOAHWAAAAAAAGH!” Pinkie shrieked as she slapped her hooves to the headphones clamped over her ears, which were now glowing with violent, arcane energy. The sound... It wasn’t a song. It wasn’t anywhere even close to a song. It was noise. Pure, unabated and untethered noise, unlike anything she had ever heard. No... not heard... felt. This sound, this entity of vibrations, it coursed through her, every inch of her. From the tips of every hair on her body to the depths of her soul, she shook and shook and shook, wildly and violently. And within the noise, something... resided. It was all it could be identified as. It examined her, searched her, touched the very core of her being. It was... it was...! “G’night everybody!” Null proclaimed as he slammed the button once anew. The noise ceased. Pinkie Pie’s eyes shot as wide as they could go as every limb in her body went ramrod straight... before slumping forwards and faceplanting. Null blinked numbly. “Uhhh...” Nix poked the pink mare’s head slightly. “Was that supposed to happen?” “PINKIE!” Twilight cried, pounding her hooves against the cage. “What did ya’ll do to her!?” Applejack demanded. “Err...” Null stuttered nervously as he slipped the headphones off of Pinkie’s head and placed it and the box back in his hands. “N-nothing bad, just had her listen to a-a-a remix of mine! It’s got a bit of pop, a bit of rock-!” “Nuuuull...” Scholar growled, the runes floating around him starting to whip into a frenzy. “Maaaaaaybe a bit too much pure, unrestrained Slaaneshan chaos magic?” Nix chuckled in what she hoped was an innocent manner. Back at the cages, Twilight blanched as she took in the implications of that statement. “WHAT!?” The twins flinched and grabbed each other in desperate mortal terror. Scholar growled furiously as he loomed over the two golems, magic raging around him in a torrent of corporal fury. “I give you explicit orders that none of these six be harmed under most any circumstances, and you pump her with enough mad, rabid magic to melt her brains!? WHAT IN HADES’ UNHOLY HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?” “O-oh no…” came a quiet voice from the cages. “W-w-we thought she could take it!” The green golem protested. “I-I mean, come on! You saw her! She’s loopy beyond belief, and her magic is off the charts for an untrained Earth Pony! I-if anyone could withstand that kind of a jolt, it’d be her!” “A-after that, well...” Null rubbed the back of his head uneasily. “With her personality and the usual disposition of Slaaneshi magic, we thought she’d... well... uh...” “Go on a city-wide party rampage?” Chrysalis supplied flatly. “Uh-huh...” The pair nodded slowly. Scholar didn’t say anything. The storm of runes around him said it all. “GAHAHA! You two are so screwed!” Gavrill cackled as she took advantage of a lull in her fight to hold Veronica down. “Hey, old man, mind if I have the honor of cracking these little shitstain open? HAHA-GAH!” She roared in pain when a blade lashed out from Veronica’s robes, slicing her hands off and liberating her younger sister, who rolled out from beneath her and scrambled to her feet. Gavrill growled at her sibling for a moment, but didn’t react beyond sticking her stumps back to her appendages and reattaching them. Veronica reacted by sticking her tongue out at her. “W-w-wait!” Null waved his hands hastily. “H-hang on, hang on! We d-don’t really know that she’s dead yet! We can still fix this!” Nix grabbed Pinkie’s shoulders and began shaking them violently. “Come on, come on, wake up, wake up, or else  we’re going to become so much scrap rune stone!” The only response was a sound exactly like a cowbell ringing from Pinkie’s head as it lolled about. “Err...” Nix stopped and looked at her brother. “I’m confused. Is that a good sign or a bad sign?” “Ah ‘unno...”Null shrugged flatly. “You... you-!” Rainbow seethed in disbelief. “N-now let’s not be hasty here!” Null looked at his younger, labcoat-wearing sister desperately. “Fraaaan, save us before they skin us alive!” Fran rolled her eyes wearily at her sibling’s tiresome antics before walking over and kneeling down next to the incapacitated mare. Two of her hands held up her shoulders, while her third and fourth stabilized her head. Her fifth hand held one of her eyes open, and the sixth fished a penlight from her coat and shined it into said eye. “Hmm...” The mad doctor hummed. “It would appear that her pupil is contracting...” “Oh thank Hermes!” Cadance breathed in relief. “And expanding.” The Alicorn blinked in confusion. “Wait, what?” “And contracting, and expanding... hm?” Fran tilted her head in confusion. “Remind me, what color were this mare’s eyes again?” “Light blue?” Twilight provided hesitantly. “...you’re certain that they weren’t lime- oh, never mind, it’s amber now.” Fran sighed heavily as she slowly set the mare down. “Well, the good news is that her gray matter wasn’t liquified...” “YES!” The Golem Twins crowed, even as a massive sigh of relief came from the ponies. “It was merely scrambled into a fine mash.” She deadpanned. “Frankly, I’m surprised it's not flowing out of her orifices.” Nix and Null froze as terrified squeaks escaped them. “You...” They slowly turned to face the rune cages where the ponies were being held, and blinked in honest shock at the amount of magic that was starting to build in Twilight Sparkle’s cage. The unicorn was sitting on her haunches and her head was bowed, but her entire being was shaking violently, and not just her horn but the very air around her was shining with violet light. “You...” She growled darkly. Twilight snapped her head up, displaying eyes illuminated by a violent aura of violet light. “YOU MONSTERS!” She screamed as she unleashed a massive wave of magic. Nix and Null swallowed nervously as the magic pressed against the walls of her cage... and jumped in shock when the runes started to outright fracture. “Booooooss?” They chorused fearfully. Scholar was silent for a full minute as he watched the cage begin to buckle under the raw power assaulting it before sighing heavily. “Alright, that’s enough of that.” In a fluid motion, Scholar snapped his grimoire open, brought his hand to the pages and sent a roiling sphere of runes at the cage. In an instant, the fractures were repaired and the thickness of the arcane walls redoubled. A pulse from the runes jarred Twilight’s concentration, rocking her back and snapping her out of her rage. “Sorry about that, Twilight, but you’re simply not in an appropriate state of mind.” Scholar apologized neutrally. “I honestly did just want Pinkie’s help with a party, that’s all.” Twilight shook as she stared at the human before allowing tears to flow down her cheeks. “They... they killed her...” She grit out. “They need to pay.” ”Trust me...” He levelled an acidic glare at the globular golems. “These two will definitely pay for their transgressions. Sapientslaughter, first degree. This will not be taken lightly.” Nix and Null glanced at one another before clenching their fists and nodding firmly. “We acknowledge our mistakes...” They chorused. “And we will atone for them. As is fair.” “I suppose that that is all that can be done.” Seath rumbled. “Now... if you please... a moment of silence for Pinkie Pie.” “Why would ruffians such as you care for her death?” Rarity asked miserably. “Especially after… ugh… killing so many today?” Chrysalis sniffed indignantly. “Say what you will of us, but we do not kill the innocent. We protected you and yours because you were civilians, and thus had no part in this conflict. Those who died were soldiers serving Equestria. All is fair in love and war, and our war is with them, not you. The death of an innocent is as tragic for us as it is for you. Now please...” The matriarch bowed her head solemnly. Seath, Scholar, and all present followed suit. Even Gilda looked down, albeit after Iron Will forced her head and with a scowl on her beak. For the first time in hours, silence descended upon the square. It was tranquil. Peaceful. Qui- “THIS QUIET OFFENDS SLAANESH!” “GWAAGH!” “HOLY HELL!” “HOLD ME!” “HOLD YOURSELF!” The group reeled back in shock as they attempted to process the sound that had erupted from... “PINKIE PIE!?” Twilight yelped in disbelief. It was Pinkie Pie... after a fashion. The mare was standing on her rear hooves without any aid, her forelegs spread wide as her chest heaved violently, her tongue lolling out of her mouth without control. Her eyes were wide as a mad light and utter chaos dancing liberally within her pupils, and her mane and tail shook and writhed like a formless mass of feelers. “How in tarnation-!?” Applejack sputtered. “Scholar.” Gilda stated flatly. “Is that dweeb high on chaos magic?” “Unimaginably so, yes.” Scholar deadpanned. “Ah. Just wanted to make sure. Scholar?” “Yeah?” “You don’t pay me anywhere close to enough for this shit.” “Believe you me, I know the feeling all too well.” Meanwhile, the ponies were attempting to communicate with their friend. “Hey, Pinkie, are you alright?” Rainbow Dash asked. Pinkie Pie didn’t react. Verbally at least. “Um, girls?” Fluttershy asked. “I think she’s vibrating.” Cadance groaned and brought her hoof to her forehead as the Party Pony’s entire body shook from head to toe, faster and faster. “This is going to be... interesting.” Without rhyme, reason or warning, Pinkie jerkily ripped a very large, very distorted object that somewhat looked like her Party Cannon from her mane, rammed it into the ground, and pointed it straight up. “THINGS SHALL GET FESTIVE NOW!” BOOM! The cannon let off a massive swirling blast of technicolor light and energy that rose high into the air, followed closely by the eyes of all present as it rose and slowly came to a halt in the air. Then... it pulsed outwards, a wave of energy and chaos and grew nearly a quarter of its original size. “Err... should we take cover?” Lacewing asked hesitantly as he took a step backwards. Another pulse, another surge in size. “Be honest, has that ever aided us in such situations before?” Priscilla drawled. Pulse and grow. “Eh heh heh heh... fair point...” Rotfang chuckled morbidly. Pulse... and shrink to the size of a marble. “Dearest brother...” Nix deadpanned. “Yes dearest sister?” Null asked in the same tone. “This is gonna suck, isn’t it, dearest brother?” “Absolutely, dearest sister.” “I just wanted to confirm.” Pulse... and EXPLODE! The group gave cries and shouts of shock and surprise as the wave of manic, prismatic energy engulfed everything around them. When the light finally dissipated... Scholar blinked slowly as he looked down at himself. “Chrysalis...” He asked slowly. “Am I wearing a hawaiian lei?” “That depends.” Chrysalis deadpanned as she stared upwards. “Am I wearing a fruit hat?” “Yes.” “Then yes.” The Oligarchs weren’t the only ones who had been party-fied. The entire plaza had been redecorated in the sacred name of all-out partying. The floor was layered with glowing, illuminated panels, streamers and crystal-themed decorations hung from every awning, and row after row of food-loaded buffet tables. Even the bystanders, those in meant-to-be-impenetrable-cages included, were redecorated in varying party-themed paraphernilia. Dominating the square was a massive sound-system of loudspeakers and amplifiers, all set up next to a stage. And standing on that stage were- “Vinyl Scratch!?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed in shock. “Octavia Philharmonica!?” Twilight sputtered. “What are you two doing here?!” Vinyl shrugged indifferently as she worked on calibrating the impressive sound-system before her. “Heck if I know! One sec I'm throwin' a kickass party at my club with Octi hangin' around to make sure I don't do anything too radical, the next thing we know, Pinkie shows up out of nowhere, shoves a bag full of bits onto us in exchange for us agreeing to play tandem for some party, and here we are!” “The mare might be insane and I might not enjoy having to debase my honorable art by combining it with my roommate’s... noise,” Octavia shuddered as she finished tuning her cello and stood on her hindlegs. “But, a job’s a job and bits are bits. I’ve learned not to question these things. Now then, Vinyl, as you so often like to say...” She prepped her bow. “Hit it.” And hit it they did. The floor tiles began to flash and throb in time with the rhythm, and rays and patterns of lights shone down from above, dancing across the dance floor and reflecting off the- the... “Where did that crazy mare get a fifteen-foot wide disco ball and how in the name of heck did she hang it by herself?” Gilda asked, scratching the part of the techno helmet that was covering her skull in confusion. “Iron Will is more confused about what she’s hanging it on,” the minotaur replied, absentmindedly rubbing one of the sequins on his sparkly purple vest. “What do you mean, ‘what’s she hanging it on’? It’s on the…. uh, the….” Gilda trailed off as she looked up to the palace up above... which was still quite a bit above the disco ball itself, and smooth as glass. “Oh….” “Forget about her!” Trixie grinned as she materialized a mirror in front of her and admired the large silver pompadour that she was sporting. “Trixie looks fabulous!” “I’m with ya there, sexy mama!” Null concurred as he ran a comb through the large blond version he was somehow rocking. He whipped on a pair of sunglasses and shot a finger pistol at his sister. “Ayyy.” He crooned in a deep voice. “Tsk!” Nix flipped her multi-colored string like hair over her nonexistent shoulder as she readjusted her sunglasses. “So retro.” “Oh, like you have any room to talk on that front, oldtimer!” Gavrill snarled as she fought with the insanely tight and sparkly jeans she was wearing. “And by the way, that pink mare is goin’ too far! I mean, come the fuck on!” She ripped a wad of fabric out of the back of the pants. “I'm wearin’ underwear here!” “Speakin’ of the mare of the hour...” Rotfang started. “Has anyone actually seen her?” Lacewing asked as he glanced around. “I actually think she went that way!” Chitter giggled... as he pointed in two directions at once. “Hmm...” Priscilla closed her eyes for a moment before sighing. “I’m afraid my connection to the security systems isn’t quite good enough. Father, can you-snrk!” The homunculus’s words were cut off by a hastily repressed snort when she actually looked at her father. “Let’s see...” The crystalline dragon conjured a map before his eyeless face and cocked an eyebrow. “It... would appear that she is party-fying the entire metropolis sector by sector. She’s already gotten the west half of the Lucente District, and-!” He cut off and stared at the array in shock. “She... just moved up to the Overloft. From an area without a bridge or transport.” “Y-snort!-yeah!” Rainbow Dash snickered as she fought to keep her laughter in. “P-pinkie Pie can be l-like that!” Seath slowly turned his head and glared down at the smaller figures below him. “Dare I ask what she did to me?” “Ooooh... nothing too drastic.” Scholar smirked innocently. “I-indeed!” Chrysalis chuckled. “Y-you can’t even-!” “AFRO! YOU’RE WEARING A RAINBOW AFRO! NO ONE IS SAYING IT, BUT YOU’RE WEARING A HUGE, GIGANTIC RAINBOW AFRO! YOU DESERVE TO BE IN A CIRCUS WITH A RUBBER NOSE THROWING CREAM PIES BECAUSE YOU SIR ARE WEARING AN AFRO!” All sound in the plaza, including the music, suddenly stopped, the sound of a needle scratching on a record ringing out. Everyone stared in shock at the speaker as she huffed and puffed heavily. “My word, Fluttershy!” Rarity exclaimed. “Uhh...” The shy mare hid herself in her hair as she gave Seath a sheepish grin. “Oops? Eheheh... heh... ehh...” The dragon cocked his eyebrow again before reaching up and flicking the wig off his skull. “Riiiight. Anyways...” He affixed the twins with a somehow caustic glare. “In the time it took us to make this conversation, the mad pony has turned my entire city into a madhouse and she’s coming back here showing no signs of slowing down. I can appreciate a good celebration, but if she redecorates me again, so help me-!” “We can fix it!” Nix and Null chorused hastily. “You’d damn well better, otherwise you’re both in big trouble!” Scholar threatened. “”Wait, were’nt those two varmints facin’ charges earlier!?” Applejack demanded. “You’d be surprised how often death winds up being negated...” Fran hummed happily. “With the progress we made back then, we often had to drop cases on accidents with a pleasurable frequency...” “Yes yes, you appreciated it, but it made things so difficult for us assassins!” Veronica groused as she absentmindedly inspected one of her throwing knives. “We had to recheck so many targets...” “Yes, yes, being a professional killer is a difficult profession, we know, we know.” Chrysalis dismissed her. “To put things simply, no crime, no time. Anyways, how do you two plan on making Pinkie stand still long enough to... ‘fix it’?” “Oh, that’s easy!” Nix replied. “We just need to... uh… we can… Null, help me out here.” “Don’t look at me, I got nothing,” Null shrugged. “I mean, if we can hold her still, we can use my emergency tuna to slap the chaos out, but, well... the ‘holding still’ part is the clincher.” “Yu haf an emergency tuna?” Spike asked as he munched on the gem-encrusted gold necklace he was wearing. What the heck was a ‘pimp’ anyways? “You don’t?” The red golem asked in honest shock. “Scholar, could you maybe-?” Nix started hesitantly. “Nope, you guys made this mess, you’re cleaning it up on your own,” he replied as he casually inspected his fingernails. “And don’t think anyone else is going to help you, because if they do, they deal with me... actually, on second thought, they deal with Gavrill who I’ll pay fifty credits.” “FUCK YEAH!” The carnivorous woman cackled as she messily tore into a meat platter. “Tempting, but no,” Veronica said. “I’d rather not...” Fran waved her hands airily. “Nope.” “No thanks.” “Yeah, you guys brought this on yourselves.” “Trixie is entirely too busy being fabulous! Not to mention staying alive... why does she suddenly feel like breaking into song?” “TRAITORS!” Nix yelled. “YOU’RE ALL TRAITORS!” “Nix, shut up, I’m trying to think!” Null yelled, panic creeping into his voice. “Y-yeah! You’re right!” His sister nodded desperately. “S-still, come on! We can do this! How many times have we captured rampant chaos-mad individuals in the past?” “Half a dozen, but that’s besides the point! None of them had the kind of space-time fuckery this one does!” “W-well, what about plan N.D. Sigma Soilent Green? That works on other teleporters, it should work on her!” “It might, except where are we going to find saran wrap in that kind of bulk on such short notice?” “Well, excuse me for actually having an idea! I don’t see you coming up with one!” “Uh, guys?” Rainbow said, holding her hoof up for attention. “I have ideas! I just know that spouting out every half-baked idea that I think of doesn’t help if we’re not fighting a mind reader!” “Half-baked?! I’ll have you know that plan was three-quarters baked! At least!” “With what?! Soggy flour and cockroaches?!” “Oh forget it.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes in exasperation before looking over at Rarity. “Hey, Rarity, remember how you called me popping my neck a disgusting and offensive habit?” “Err...” The fashionista raised her eyebrow in confusion. “Yes, but what does that have to do with-?” “I Pinkie Promise not to pop my neck again! Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” Rainbow Dash went through the motions and proceeded to crack her neck left and right, producing an audible popping noise. “Alright, she should be here s-!” “Y͢OU ͟B̛ROKE͏ A̕ ͏P͡IN̶KIE̕ ͝P̴R̶OMIS̀E̵!̕” “YEAGH!” Rainbow Dash slammed her back against the far side of her cage as she tried to distance herself from the incensed mare-shaped fluffy form that was pressing herself against the runic walls as hard as she could. “RaINbow DaaAAshh...” Pinkie growled angrily. “I hOPe yoU’re REAdy, Because I’m-!” ZAP! “MMPH!?” “I got her!” Nix cried, struggling to maintain the emerald ropes of energy that were wrapped around the doubly chaotic filly. “Now Null! Hit her hit her hit her-!” SLAP! Nix was silent for a moment before peeling the large fish off her face. “Try again, dingus.” “Aheheheh...” The golem chuckled before reeling back. “Alright, hold her still, aaaand...” SLAP! “WHEE!!!” Pinkie squealed as she spun around from the force of the fish, vibrant colors flying out of her in waves before dissipating into thin air. Finally, when it was over, she plopped down on her stomach, eyes rolling in her skull as she giggled madly. In a normal way. “Heeheeheeheehee! That was fun! Do it again, do it again!” “How the heck did you use a tuna to expel chaos magic from my friend!?” Twilight asked in disbelief. “I mean, come on, a tuna!? That- that-!” “It doesn’t make any sense?” Cadance supplied lightly. “Yeah, exactly, it doesn’t make-! Any...” Twilight jabbed her hoof at her foalsitter before trailing off as a sense of semi-understanding came over her. “Ooooooh...” “Hey, you, crazy mare who’s actually kind of funny!” Nix leaned over Pinkie and held up a trio of fingers. “How many fingers am I holding up?” “What kind of question is that? Three, silly!” “She’s okay!” Null proclaimed. “You know, the colors floating around them are really pretty!” “She ain’t okay.” Applejack deadpanned. Nix was silent for a moment before taking hold of a pair of Pinkie’s eyelids, pulling them way wider than eyelids had any right to go and thoroughly examining her eyeball. “Actually... I think she might be more than okay.” Null hastily scribbled on a cue card with a stone marker and held it up for Pinkie to see. “Can you describe what you see here?” “Hmm...” Pinkie tapped her chin in thought before bouncing eagerly. “Oh! Oh! Is it a whale? A dolphin? A toothpick? A Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness? A supersonic VTOL jet?” “No, no, not even remotely, don’t know what that is, and do you even know what that is?” “Nope!” Rarity craned her neck to get a better look at what her friend was looking at before frowning. “Umm... Pinkie, dear?” “Yes Rarity?” “That’s a blank sign.” “To the untrained eye, yes.” Null nodded in agreement. “However, it seems that Pinkie’s eye is trained. Barely. Just barely.” “Hmm...” Nix stared at Pinkie thoughtfully before looking at her creator. “Boss?” Scholar frowned and flicked through his novel for a moment before shrugging. “Screw it, couldn’t hurt. Go ahead.” “Right.” Nix nodded before bringing up two of her fingers in front of Pinkie. “Pay close attention to my fingers, alright? Follow them very closely.” She started to move them towards Pinkie’s head. “Ooooh!” Pinkie squealed eagerly as she followed the digit, crossing her eyes as they came close. “Is this a game? Do I get a prize? Are you going to-?” She was cut off when Nix touched the middle of her forehead and pushed. BING! “-Woooooah...” Pinkie moaned as her head rolled back from the light application of force, allowing it to loll around on her neck as her eyes started rolling again. “Sooo many colors... Triiiiipyyyy...” She suddenly shook her head, producing a cowbell noise again before grinning. “That was fun!” “Hey Pinkie!” Null flashed the sign again. “See anything now?” “Hmm...” The pink mare narrowed her eyes as she read the sign. “It says ‘Gavrill is a big fat b-!’ Hey, that’s a bad word!” “WHAT!?” Gavrill roared as she snapped herself away from the buffet. “She said it, not us!” Nix and Null cackled. “Doesn’t make it any less true, though.” Veronica snickered... before screaming when she was hit by a ballistic table. Gavrill started laughing... until her younger sister rammed into her and the pair started fighting again. “Aren’t they going to ruin the party?” Trixie asked. “Actually, that is how we usually party!” Chitter laughed. “That, and lots of explosions!” “It’s not a party unless I have to clean everyone up at the end...” Fran rolled her eyes, smiling nonetheless. “HEY!” Twilight cried. “Can we focus on what you just did to Pinkie Pie!?” “Hey, yeah!” Pinkie agreed as she looked around, smiling widely as her eyes darted about. “How come everything’s so much sharper, and why are there so many more colors?” “Hmm...” Nix rubbed her chin in thought for a moment before coming to a decision. “You know what? Just for kicks, we’ll just tell you it’s an improvement that people would kill to have naturally back in the day, and that it took a lot of trouble to get artificially, so she’s really lucky.” “Other than that? Figure it out yourselves!” Null laughed. “...you get a kick out of being unnecessarily obtuse, don’t you?” Twilight asked flatly. “Like you wouldn’t believe.” “Yeah, yeah, that’s great. Anyways!” Gilda spoke up. “Can we wrap this up and start enjoying our damn party already? I mean, come on!” She gestured towards the bridges that lead to the plaza, where a number of crystal ponies and changelings were starting to enter. “People are showing up to have fun!” “Alright, alright, keep you feathers on.” Scholar waved his hands hastily. “Look, I want to party just as much as you do, alright? We just need to tie up a few loose ends and then we can all relax after this long and tiring day, alright?” The griffon grumbled darkly under her breath before sighing. “Just get it over with.” “Great!” Scholar laced his fingers and cracked them out eagerly. “First things first: scraping Shining Armor off the pavement. And I know exactly who can do that.” Without further ado, he stuck his index fingers in his mouth and... FWEEEET! Let out a massive, nigh eardrum shattering whistle. “CERBERUS!” He bellowed at the top of his lungs. “FETCH, BOY!” “And in five!” Nix proclaimed. “Four!” Null added. “Three...” Fran sighed. “Two.” Veronica rolled her eyes. “One!” Gavrill cackled eagerly. Instantly, Scholar’s shadow turned pitch black and started moving, stretching out and lengthening into a massive pool of tangible darkness. Slowly, a massive, massive form composed of said darkness began to rise from the mass, towering high enough to almost match even Seath in size. Without warning, three pairs of bloody red eyes snapped open near the top of the mass, staring down at Scholar. “Hey there, boy!” He waved eagerly. “WOOF!” “That’s Cerberus!?” Twilight squeaked. “When he’s operating at full capacity, at least.” The human smirked. “Pretty cool, huh?” He expected many different answers. The sudden sound of a goat bleating was not one of them. “The heck?” “Er... It would appear that Trixie might have a slight phobia.” Iron Will supplied as he hesitantly poked at his downed and foaming comrade. “Err... Cerberus?” The hellhound’s eyes snapped around to glare at Cadance, causing her to flinch. “L-look...” She rubbed her shoulder nervously. “I-I realize that I’m the last person to be asking a favor of you any time soon... or ever, for that matter... but... that is my fiance you have in your mouth, so if you could please...?” The eyes glanced at one another before it shrugged. Cerberus’s heads opened their mouths, allowing what they were carrying to fall to the ground with numerous wet plops. Everyone was silent as they stared at what the hound had brought. Gilda blinked slowly. “Uh...” “That ain’t somethin’ you see every day.” Rotfang noted. “No, no it isn’t.” Lacewing concurred. “What. The. HECK!?” Scholar exclaimed.