“Ha! I got it!” Kajiik stepped back as a flash of light obscured Iron Hoof from his sight. As the spots faded, he saw the Guardspony standing, completely encased in a suit of armor that looked like it was molded entirely out of oak. From the way the normally swift Earth Pony was moving, it probably weighed like it too.
“Impressive. Now how is the ability to grow heavy oak armor useful again?” Iron started picking at the pauldron, trying to free himself as his charge trotted in a circle.
“Well, now I can make all of my friends armor in moments if I need to.”
Iron shrugged out of the right sleeve, “Do they really need armor though? Most of them are faster without it.”
Kajiik sighed, and his head drooped, “I’m the one with the magic, really. I mean, Blueberry can cast levitation and a few illusions, but none of that helps if we get in over our heads. I’m basically the only one of us who knows how to cast buff spells, and this Oak Armor will be really useful if we need to make an escape from something we can’t handle.”
Iron sat, wriggling his hindquarters out of the wooden shell, “That’s not your only part in the Elements. Remember, you learned to fight, from me.”
Kajiik stopped at the window, “I know. But next to the fillies, I feel like the squishy one. I’m a Stallion. I’m supposed to protect them.”
“I know, it’s ingrained into your head. But, you know, your talents are more useful spread out. Don’t be so focused on buffing them that you forget to use some of those offensive spells you know.”
Kajiik’s head met the thick glass with a dull thump, and he stared out at the sunny pavilion in front of Town Hall. A muted groan escaped his lips, “Iron, do you remember if I refreshed the tree’s fireproofing runes?”
“Yeah, you did that right before you forgot to brush your teeth again. Why?”
His question was answered by the room, with the exception of a conical shadow cast by the Zebra’s head and hood, being brightly illuminated, “Somepony decided to pull out the fireworks again. Except we’re in the dry season, so those are temporarily banned.”
Kajiik pulled his face away from the window, “Well, time to go enforce the rules. You know there’s only a few Guardsponies in town. They won’t really be able to handle a mob.” He tucked his hooves into his boots, making sure the extensive runic stitching in the leather and steel plates stood out as his shoes locked into the rungs on the bottom of the liner. Iron Hoof was pulling on his own armor as he followed Kajiik out into the sun.
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Standing out at the base of the steps was a positively gargantuan oddity. It looked like somepony had taken the front half of a motor-carriage and stuck it underneath the leading edge of a locomotive wagon. And the side had opened up to reveal a full stage too. There was a light blue Unicorn mare standing on it, forehooves in the air, kicking at nothing. She wore little, except for a cape and hat, even her hooves were bare. Not even the most basic shoes were visible.
Kajiik knew that it meant either she was too poor to afford proper shoes, or too rich to need them, as most ponies who had enough money simply let their staff take care of anything and everything that could possibly lead to a chip or a cracked hoof. Based on the carriage, this mare was the latter.
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“Come one, Come all! Bear witness to the amazing magics of the Great and Powerful TRIXIE!”
The crowd of ponies that had gathered made a group effort to cheer.
“Watch as the Great and Powerful Trixie performs the most Spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!”
A white mare that Kajiik recognized as the fashionista he and his friends had hired to make their clothing for the Gala muttered at his side, “What amusing boasting. All I’ve seen so far is a few sparklers. Even my little sister can do that.”
Iron sighed, and moved to turn back, “They aren’t real fireworks. No real hazard, so I guess I’m not needed here.”
A hissing voice rolled down from a cloud that floated over Kajiik’s back, “’Sides, Kaj here’s got a lot more magic than that hussy. Even if he doesn’t have a horn.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Hammer. I’m curious what she’s gonna do next. Her aura doesn’t feel like an illusionist.”
Another voice, smoother, and deeper, echoed from his opposite side, “Yeah, Hammer. Have a seat, relax. We’ve got ponies like this who come up to the Kingdoms occasionally. Even some Griffons who are particularly talented. It’s called a Magic Show. None of it’s real.”
The blue mare on stage suddenly was looking right at the small knot of ponies and the griffon, “It sounds like we have some naysayers in the audience. Who could be so ignorant to challenge the Magical ability of the Great and Powerful TRIXIE! Do they not know they are in the presence of the Most Powerful Unicorn in all Equestria!”
Ferrous raised a talon, “In our defense, there’s only two Unicorns in this conversation. You, and Miss Belle, here.”
“My point stands,” the mare huffed and stood taller, puffing out her chest and throwing her head up.
Kajiik decided to break the argument off at the start, “Alright, Trixie. What makes your magic so incredibly Great?”
“Why the Great and Powerful Trixie has magic powerful enough to vanquish the Dreaded,” sparks flew from her horn as an illusory shape formed in the sky overhead, “Ursa Major!”
Another cheer from most of the audience, but Kajiik and Iron Hoof remained unimpressed.
“Yes, Trixie is, indeed the Most Powerful in Ponyville!” She paused for what must have been dramatic effect. Kajiik couldn’t fault her style, but her illusions still left much to be desired. She was obviously never formally trained. “Well then, I hereby challenge you, Citizens of Ponyville! Anything you can do, I can do better. Any takers? Or is Trixie destined to be the greatest equine who ever lived!”
A brass talon nearly clipped Kajiik’s muzzle as Hammer rolled over and let out a giant yawn, “Blow it out your smokestack, and get on with the real show already!”
“Very well, monster. Show me something you can do that I can’t!”
The Thestral smirked and shoved one shining brass talon into her nose, rooting around for something. It came out covered in a greenish hunk of mucus, “Ha! Beat that!” she even took care to intentionally fling the gob of phlegm at the Unicorn.
Trixie caught the gob in her magic and discarded it off the side of the stage, “That was, horrendously disgusting. You really should clear out your nasal passages more frequently if you have that much goo up there. Allow the Great and Powerful Trixie to assist you,” a string of magic lifted Hammer by her nostrils, and she slid down, leaving behind two streaks of ooze and drool on the magic, “There. That should solve your little nasally voice for you.”
“WHY YOU!” Iron Hoof tackled Hammer Soot out of the air before she could even clear the cloud, and hissed in her ear, “Do you really, really want the Element of Laughter to be seen as a murderer? You’re lucky I covered for you with that serpent. Barkskin can’t hide this body.”
“What about you, valiant Knight. Can you do something the Great and Powerful Trixie cannot!”
For a moment, the Element of Kindness considered performing a very unkind act, there, to stop the mare. He reconsidered, and stepped up on stage, drawing his combat staves. He tossed one to her, then started spinning the one still in his hooves. It moved faster and faster, blurring in the air as he moved from three limbs on the ground to only two. The whirring stave began to click against the deck repeatedly, kicking out a staccato beat on the wood before darting across the stage and being stopped abruptly by magic just a hoof-span from her muzzle.
Both staves began spinning. Obviously she had some reasonable baton twirling as part of her showmare training. The two staves blurred into each-other, and Iron began to rethink his challenge as they shot towards him, anchoring him to the wooden platform as they arced and slammed him onto his belly. The two staves stopped in an X shape across his back.
“Oh, alright. How about Trixie gets a REAL challenge! Maybe one of you Unicorns out there!”
Rarity Belle sighed, “I take your hint, but a Belle is above such nonsense. My parents did not raise a ruffian! We conduct ourselves with grace, and,” she glared across her muzzle at Trixie, “Tact.”
“Oh, is the pretty Unicorn afraid she’ll get a tangle in that purple Rat’s Nest on her head?”
“A lady must, at all times maintain an air of grace and beauty.”
Trixie sighed, and her horn flashed. A lock of Rarity’s mane fell in front of her eyes, and she stared at it for a moment, then tentatively touched it, then gave it an experimental tug. Then dropped to the dirt, flat unconscious. Her seaweed green mane flopped wetly to the ground.
“Anypony else?”
Kajiik growled under his breath. All of his cultural upbringing was telling him to stand up on his hind legs and pound his armored hooves against his chest, then go beat the living daylights out of this boasting, arrogant filly. All of his political training classes told him to turn and walk away. So he did. It wasn’t worth causing an international incident.
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The green mane had worn off, and Trixie had let Iron Hoof go, eventually, so Iron and Hammer had joined Kajiik at Sugarcube Corner, “I don’t really know what to do about this braggart. I mean, I’m supposed to be some sort of force for Harmony, but I can’t really see myself making friends with anypony who can’t see that she is hurting others for entertainment.”
Hammer looked at him over a pile of sliced potatoes that smelled rather strongly of blood, not ketchup, “Well, maybe she really just needs a taste of her own medicine. I could go mess her carriage up pretty bad.”
“That would just mean she’s stuck here longer,” ah, Iron Hoof. Always the voice of reason, “Besides, I don’t think it’ll work anyway. She’ll just fix it like she did the stage after she yanked my staves out of it.”
“I still think she’s just a showboating illusionist though. I’d have to prove it to get her run out of town, but she managed to convince everypony back there. She’s going to damage the names of every powerful Unicorn out there.”
Oddly, sense came out of Hammer’s mouth first. Well, second, since the bloody potato goo in her mouth came out first, “So challenge her. Show her that a Non-Unicorn can cast better than her.”
Kajiik looked slightly green, either at the idea of going up on stage, or the nastiness on the plate in front of the Thestral, who didn’t even react to the half-chewed mess on it when her head dipped to grab another hunk of it.
Iron Hoof, for his part, seemed to agree with Hammer, “Yes. You challenge her, get her run out of town, and Hammer can stop plotting ways to kill her in her sleep, and I can stop watching Hammer every second she’s awake. It’s a win-win.”