//------------------------------// // Berry "The Bitch" Punch // Story: Get Your Own Stupid Unicorn // by Coolestninja1242 //------------------------------// Could this week get any worse? As soon as something good happens something terrible happens to balance it out I swear. What did I do to deserve this? Oh, right…all the bad stuff. Lyra steps a little closer to me when she sees Berry walk through the door. No, not just Berry. Berry, her wife Minutte (Colgate to her friends, Coly to Berry), and their daughter Pinchy. (Not sure if the kid is adopted or from one of Berry’s previous relationships but, boy is that kid scared of me.) “Bon Bon.” Berry says in annoyed tone, only to receive a swift kick to the gut from Minutte. “Ow.” Berry remarks with a wince. Minutte gives Berry the most annoyed look I’ve ever seen, “Berry we talked about this. You came here to apologize for yesterday remember?” Blunt as ever Minutte. She points to me with a hoof, “Now apologize.” I guess we all know who wears the pants in this relationship.(Wait. What are pants?) Berry mutters something angrily. Minutte huffs, “Berry Ruby Punch, we both know Bon Bon is one of your best friends and one of few ponies who will actually put up with you when you’re at your worse.” Berry winces. “I know it hurts dear, and I’d never ask you to change but I don’t want you fighting with the mare who’s brought you home safe and sound night after night.” Colgate makes it sound better than it really is. I just do what any decent pony would do. You know? Walk the drunker home and make sure she doesn’t get mugged or worse. Truth be told I won’t really call Berry and me friends, more like drinking buddies. Like I said before Berry is totally the town drunk, she’s also an amazing wing mare. She’s a total bitch, but one of three ponies (I guess four now if we count Lyra) I’d want having my back in fight. We fight and argue a lot, and are like night and day but yeah Berry and I are pretty tight. Berry puffs out her chest, “I won’t apologize until she apologizes for calling me a drunk.” Berry stomps her hoof a few times for emphasizes. Now it’s my turn to get huffy, “Me? You’re the one who told Lyra that I’m a super gay bitch. I mean it’s true but you don’t have to lead with that. Some friend, hell some wing mare.” I shake a hoof making fun of Berry. “I’m Berry Punch, this is my friend Bon Bon she’s a bitch but you should totally give her a chance.” I pretend to drink from a bottle for effect. Berry stomps on the ground in anger, “Yeah well, look at me I’m Bon Bon I’m a jerk to everyone even though I had a great life. Look how messed up I am. Why doesn’t anyone love me? Vinyl has a nice ass. Whine, whine, whine.” Berry put a hoof to her forehead and pretended to look sad and troubled. I scrunch up my face, is that really how I sound? “Yeah well,” I say. “I’m Berry Punch and I’m going to drink every night even though I have a loving, smoking hot, wife and a great kid!” Berry glares at me, “I’m Bon Bon and I’m going to complain all the time instead of doing anything productive with my life.” “Yeah well I’m-” I get cut off by Minutte. “Yes, well I’m Minutte and I think you two are acting like foals.” Yeah Minutte was right we were acting like fool and foals. That’s just how we are though. Then Berry did something she probably shouldn’t have done. Berry “the dead mare” Punch made fun of her wife. “Ohh I’m Minutte, Berry don’t put your hooves on the table, Berry you can’t have whiskey with breakfast, Berry go apologize to Bon Bon.” Berry really shouldn’t have done that. Truth be told there is one mare in this world that I’m afraid of and her name is Minutte. See, Minutte is an ex-royal guard turned dentist. She knows all of the princesses personally, and I should know all of them were at her freaking wedding. She was Princess Cadence’s body guard in high school. HIGH SCHOOL! Minutte was a forced to be reckoned with before any of us even knew her, heck she was probably a force to be reckoned with before she was born. She knows a hundred ways to take down any pony, no screw any pony she’s gone toe to toe with changelings and hydras, and she now practices dentistry. Minutte is terrifying and Berry just made fun of her. Minutte’s pretty face goes from blue to red, “Excuse me!? “ She yells mane and tail practically ablaze. Berry backs up, “What was that? Did you just mock me? Did you really just mock me?” Minutte steps closer horn light up with magic. “Do you really want to go down that road Berry? Do you!?” Berry stammers, “I…I…” she gulps loudly. Just before Minutte turns Berry into punch Lyra chimes in, “Minutte? Wait, did you go to Canterlot high?” Minutte gives Lyra a confused and angry look. Whatever you’re doing Lyra I suggest you do it fast. “Yes, that’s right. Class of ’85.” The glow of Minutte’s horn becomes less intense. She looks more puzzled then angry now and is facing Lyra instead of Berry. Lyra’s face lights up, “I was the class of ’86! I thought I knew you from some where. I’m surprised I didn’t recognize you sooner. I mean we were both brides maids for Princess Cadence, what a day that was. I can’t believe you took out four changelings at once. You have to tell me the story.” Lyra says taking a very confused Minutte over to talk. Minutte shoots Berry a look of anger and of pleading for help. Lyra winks at Berry and I hardly hear a, “You owe me.” Smart, funny, and good at handling scary situations. I wonder how much of her story is actually true. Berry and Pinchy walk up to the counter, “Did that just happen?” Berry asked me sounding both pleased and confused. “Yup.” I replay handing Pinchy a small bag of sugar free candy. Minutte is very strict with the little tike no real candy allowed, but the kid is a sucker for some suckers so every now and then I’ll make her a batch of sugar free ones. The kid gives me a nervous smile and pulls one out of the bag. Her magic doesn’t really work yet but she can do a cute little levitation spell. I hear Minutte yell over the kid, “Pinchy what do you say?” and then she immediately goes back to reminiscing with Lyra. I hear a few things here and there. Something about zapping a changeling back in time, another about crushing ones skull with her thighs. Sounds like a fun story. Sheepishly Pinchy smiles at me with a sucker in her mouth and goes, “Thankyou…” and then trots away to go listen to Minutte’s story. Cute kid, a little shy but she really is cute. Berry leans on the counter, “Sorry about yesterday. I guess we’re even now. I mean Lyra saved both of our flanks.” Berry and I both chuckle. I lean on the counter, “Yeah she’s pretty awesome isn’t she. What was with the “super gay” thing though? I mean come on, first off you know I go both ways, secondly that is not how we introduce the awesomeness that is Bon Bon to anyone attractive. Taken or not.” Berry gave me a sideways glance, “That’s why I said it that way. Lyra’s not into mares and she’s engaged. It was more for you than it was for her. I was trying to tell you without telling you she’s engaged and isn’t going to be interested so don’t try. Then you brought up my drinking problem, not cool by the way, and I just kind of snapped.” Berry runs a hoof through her mane. She’s totally hiding something. I raise an eye brow in an attempt to gain more information. “Alright fine I was also super hung over and got yelled at by both the mayor and Minutte for being out late drinking. You just kind of picked the wrong time to poke the mare you know?” I chuckle loudly, “Berry Punch going to work hung over? What else is new.” Berry shoots me a dirty look. “Alright I’m sorry too dude. I know you’re trying to get help for your drinking problem and I shouldn’t have brought it up. Seriously though you could’ve just ran in before bringing Lyra in and be like, “Dude there’s this smoking hot mare coming in a few seconds, she’s straight and taken so play it cool.” I mean I would have gotten it.” I’m still kind of bummed out that Lyra’s taken, but there’s nothing I can do about it so I’ll be more than happy to just be her friend. Probably better that way any how. Just then Octavia and Vinyl bust through my door, “Lyra are you alright?” Octavia yells coming over to Lyra’s aid against Minutte. “Bon Bon said you were upset about something, did any of these brutes hurt you dear?” Wow Octavia is being really sweet, I do not like that one bit. It’s my job to be Lyra’s friend not Octavia’s. Okay, now I know how Octavia feels when I check out Vinyl, you win this round Octavia! “Berry.” Vinyl snorts stepping up to the counter. “We came as fast as we could, what’s all the hubbub bub? I bet she has something to do with it.” Vinyl glares at Berry. Okay so story time, I am not the first pony here to hit on Vinyl even after finding out she and Octavia were going out, Berry was. It was maybe two years ago while Minutte had broken up with Berry for reasons neither of them told anyone. Probably Berry’s drinking, maybe Minutte’s work (this was before she settled down and became a dentist). Berry and Minutte hadn’t been dating long and Berry was looking to rebound. Now, Vinyl and Octavia were maybe together for two weeks at the time, wow Vinyl and Octavia have been together for nearly two years that’s kind of weird, so their relationship was still super new. It was at a bar one night and the whole gang was there, Me, Vinyl, Octavia, Berry, and even Minutte who desperately needed to relax. So we’re all drinking and having a good time when Berry grabs Vinyl’s flank. Of course Vinyl got kind of pissed about it and Octavia got super protective, but the real kicker was when Berry suggested they all go back to her place and…well I’m not getting into it, you get the idea. Needless to say Vinyl got really pissed and still isn’t over it. Octavia’s forgave Berry after a tearful apology, and Minutte was so drunk she doesn’t even remember that night. We try not to talk about it. “Come on Vinyl.” Berry says sounding annoyed. “I apologized for that ages ago, I was drunk and lonely. You’re not even really my type.” Vinyl scoffs. “Fine be a jerk, just know I have nothing to do with…wait Lyra was upset?” Oh yeah that’s why we came here isn’t it? Lyra was upset about her life and I wanted to cheer her up and then all this stuff happened. She seems fine now though, “Yeah,” I say sounding kind of distant. I watch Lyra talking to Octavia and Minutte, they all seem to be getting along okay. “she’s got a ton of family issues back home. I thought Octavia could cheer her up better then I could because, you know, music stuff. I don’t get music stuff…I really don’t get Octavia’s music stuff. Plus she only really knows everypony in this room and well Pinkie Pie, but everypony knows Pinkie Pie.” I sigh. She seems happy now, but for all I know she could just be putting a brave face for everyone. Berry leans on the counter, “I dunno dude she seemed pretty happy when I got here. I mean nervous but that is probably because I nearly decked you yesterday.” Vinyl laughs, “That’s funny yesterday Octavia actually decked Bon Bon!” Oh joy now they’re getting along. “Yeah, Bon Bon was totally checking out my flank and Octi just yells, “Get your own stupid unicorn!” and just punches Bon Bon right in the face. It was great, I think you were out for like two hours dude.” I rub my hoof on my cheek where Octavia had struck me, “I’m just glad she didn’t leave a bruise. I mean, what would I do then? My face is my money maker.” The three of us laugh while we’re joined by Lyra, Octavia, Minutte, and Pinchy. Lyra slides behind the counter and sits next to me, “What’s so funny?” She asks in her adorable Canterlot accent. No, bad Bon Bon. Lyra is friend, just friend. Berry snickers, “Bon Bon getting punched in the face.” I groan loudly but that just makes everyone laugh more. This is my life now, friends who laugh at my misery. At least I have friends, and with friends like these mares who needs enemies? Well except Lyra, Lyra’s still pretty cool. We all share a couple more laughs and before any of us know it it’s closing time. I walk everypony out of the store and we say our goodbyes. Octavia even gives Lyra a big hug. I think I hear her whisper something but I’m not too sure. Lyra looks like she’s blushing, and staring at me though. Must be my imagination. Yeah, looks like today’s wrapping up just like it began, average but nice. Berry and Minutte offer to walk us back to my place but there kid looks super tired so, “Nah guys you go on and head home me and Lyra got this.” Minutte puts the kid on her back and that is possibly the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen ever, I think my heart might explode from too much cute. Me and Lyra walk back to my place while the sun goes down, it looks like it’s going to be a really nice night. Lyra steps closer to me as she watches the sun kiss the skyline. “It’s really lovely here.” She says with a sheepish smile. I nod in agreement. We make it back to my place and I unlock the door. That is not an easy feat for someone without magic, or wings let me tell you. Lyra pulls me over to the sofa, “I just want to thank you again for all you’ve done.” She say’s softly. “Lyra it’s really nothing.” She shakes her head and hugs me tightly. “No, really Bon Bon it’s everything. Thank you.” She’s really close to me and then before I even register what’s going on she kisses me.