“So you just happened to find the one and only document in the whole bank that explained my schemes?”
“Your evil schemes, yes.” Twilight glared at Money Bags, frowning. “It didn’t say what evils you were up to word for word, of course, but I didn’t have any trouble understanding the whole picture.”
“Hmm.” The pegasus licked his lips, a little spark of something Twilight couldn’t identify in his eyes. “I’m fairly sure I didn’t leave any accusatory papers out there.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say it was accusatory per se,” Twilight muttered, averting his eyes for a moment, ears flat against her head. She soon broadened her shoulders and raised her chin, the perfect picture of a very dignified pony tied to a chair. “But if you knew what to look for, it was easy to see you were cheating the system.”
“If you know what to look for?” Money Bags laughed. “Oh, Princess Twilight. That’s exactly my problem here.” He got up from his chair and approached Twilight, still smirking in that weird way. “You saw a little note about credit default swaps, and you immediately understood I had attacked Manehattan? Really?”
“Yes. As I said, it was easy if you knew what to look for.” Twilight sighed. “My first idea was to tell Princess Celestia immediately, but—”
“No.” Money Bags stopped barely two inches from Twilight’s face. “You see, I can accept your nonsensical ramblings about soda-maniacs understanding the meaning of the universe with a sugary drink, but this is where I draw the line. Somepony told you about my schemes. Now, the question is, who did?” His pupils grew small, smaller than a fly. “Which one betrayed me?”
Twilight blinked. “What? What are you talking ab—?”
“Was it my secretary?” Money Bags interrupted. “She could have heard me while I was talking to my sister the other day. Or maybe was it one of the higher-ups?” A pause. “My sister, perhaps? Did she finally find that ounce of conscience mother was always talking about? No, I don’t believe that, either…”
“No, seriously.” Twilight squinted. “What are you even talking about?”
“Somepony clearly told you about my plans,” Money Bags said. “Somepony who either knew of them first-hoof, or who heard me talking about them. Sure, I’ve been careful about it, but mistakes happen.”
“What? No!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “I just told you: I found that paper, and I saw what your plans were. You literally wrote them there for me.”
“No. No, I didn’t.” Money Bags smirked. “You see, I didn’t become who I am being careless like that. You didn’t see any paper. Of that, I’m sure.”
“Of course I did!”
“No, you didn’t!” Money Bags was the one rolling his eyes now. “Princess Twilight, I’m willing to listen to your nonsense, but when it outright insults me you’re crossing a particular line that —”
“You’re not making any sense.”
Money Bags sighed again, massaging the space between his eyes.
“Okay, seeing how your skull is thicker than I thought, I’m going to explain this from the beginning,” he muttered. “You say you understand my latest financial movements. Manehattan’s attack, for example.”
“You’re using evil economics to steal a lot of money.”
Silence.
“Like, a lot.”
Silence.
Money Bags squinted. “That’s some amazing understanding, right there.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “You’re using credit default swaps to fool the futures market and steal money legally. Seeing how the futures market is anonymous, and how credit default swaps are nothing but bets against your own clients, you’re more or less destroying the lives of thousands of ponies.”
A pause. Twilight and Money Bags glared at each other.
“I don’t buy it.” Money Bags shook his head. “It’s impossible for you to deduce all of this with just one paper. And you know why?” He frowned. “Because the only reason why the futures market is anonymous is yours truly. The only reason why credit default swaps exist is yours truly. I designed the whole thing. I’m not just the best banker in Equestria: I was the first one! If the modern bank system exists, it’s because of me!”
“I’m pretty sure that makes you the worst monster that’s ever existed.”
“You know that mumbo-jumbo all bankers use?! That one nopony can understand?!” Money Bags snorted. “I wrote that mumbo-jumbo! I created that from scratch! Nopony but me understands what’s going on with the gold in this kingdom! Princess Celestia herself has to ask me for advice whenever she tries to do something with her money! You can’t understand those papers! Nopony can! I made them like that on purpose, for Celestia’s sake!”
“YEAH!”
“SHUT UP!” Money Bags shot a killer glare at his watermelonian guards, and they actually took a step back at it. Little puffs of steam came out of his nostrils with every breath. Then he turned to Twilight, and this time he was baring his teeth like a wild dog. “You can’t understand the system, Twilight Sparkle. I am the system. And if you do, then it’s clear somepony close to me has told you, and if that’s the case—”
“An Economical Guide for the Modern Times.”
Silence.
Money Bags blinked. “What?”
“An Economical Guide for the Modern Times,” Twilight repeated, arching an eyebrow. “Second edition. With a prologue written by your sister, by the way.”
“I don’t—”
“The New Market, third edition. How to Invest Your Money Bags, first edition, personally signed by you. Money Bags: Millionaire Extraordinaire—the Official Biography, Special Edition.” Twilight looked at Money Bags. “Ring a bell?”
“Those… Those are my books.” He frowned. “What in tarnation are you—?”
“You explained the whole system in those books,” Twilight said. “What is that nonsense about you being the system? You’re definitely not. Sure, you’re an authority, but there are manuals out there. It’s easy to understand everything if you’re willing to learn it.”
“I… I wrote those books for show,” Money Bags said. “I used the least user-friendly language I could muster. That’s literally the mumbo-jumboest mumbo-jumbo ever written. Those books are supposed to make zero sense!”
“Pffft.” Twilight smirked. “An easy read.”
“What—No! They’re not an easy read!” Money Bags bared his teeth again. “They’re the total opposite from an easy read! That stuff is supposed to be deciphered by experts many years after my death!”
“Wow, you’re even more humble than I thought.” Twilight shrugged. “What do you want me to say? If you want your evil plans to be secret, don’t write them down.”
“I—I can’t…”
“Yes, you can.” Twilight’s smirk grew three sizes. “You just did.”
Money Bags took a deep breath and closed his mouth. When he looked at Twilight again, his frown had become even bigger. “You think you’re very smart, don’t you?”
“Well, I just showed you that I am, yes.”
“Hah. You aren’t.” Money Bags cracked his neck and put his hooves on the table. “Let me be clear here: I became rich by my own means when I was barely out of my teenage years. You are a pretty pony princess that lives in a tree. I have the upper hoof here, and you better not forget that.”
“I’ve literally been given wings because of my brain.”
“And I’ve been given money, and we both know which one is more useful.” He flapped his wings twice. “Plus, I already have two of those. So let me tell you what we’re going to do here.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Of course.”
“You are going to keep talking. We are going to ignore this silly chat of ours.” His voice dropped a few octaves. “And when you’re finished, you’re going to tell me who betrayed me and explained the whole thing to you, because I refuse to believe you understood those books. You’re not smart enough.”
“Excuse me?”
“You were caught, and I have you tied to a chair.” Money Bags smiled. “Don’t forget who won here, Princess.”
Silence. Twilight frowned.
“And now,” Money Bags continued, “I believe I asked you why you are attacking my casino, and how I can stop you. You’ve wasted a lot of my time already, but we’re getting to the juicy parts, and your sassy friend is still in my power. So you randomly chose to come to Canterlot to stop me?”
Twilight gulped before biting her lip. “Yes. I suggested moving in here immediately, but Applejack told me we couldn’t just rent an apartment to plan some kind of extremely complex heist to stop you, that it was crazy…”
“…And this is the house I’ve rented to plan our extremely complex heist to stop Money Bags!”
“Ah still think this is crazy.”
Twilight rolled her eyes.
It actually took a while for Twilight to convince her friends that yes, really, they had to go and rob the casino. Of course, there was a good reason for them to be so against the idea—a simple prank, even one as elaborate as the one they had played on Ponyville’s bank, was still harmless. Breaking into one of the most money-filled places in the most money-filled city in Equestria, to take something the owner wanted to keep to himself was a completely different thing altogether.
“But what else can we do?” Twilight asked, running a hoof through her mane. They were sitting in her library once again, as it was still their official lair—or at least that was what Pinkie said. “The princesses are out taking care of royal business in Aquastria, and even if we sent them a letter explaining what is happening here, an official deal would take days, or even weeks, to actually have any kind of effect.”
“And by that time, Money Bags will have already finished up his plan, right?” Rarity asked. “And wrapped up everything.”
“He would probably destroy any kind of proof,” Twilight said, nodding.
“But it’s just bank stuff!” Dash said, punching the table. “Can’t the Princess just undo everything he does and kick his butt to the dungeons? That’s what princesses do in this kind of situation!”
“Yeah! He took the booty, so we kick his booty!” Pinkie punched the table too. “Dash is right!”
“We can’t just throw him in the dungeons without proof,” Twilight explained. “As I said, the princesses are in Aquastria. And even if they were here, they wouldn’t be able to physically get the proof they need to get Money Bags in the dungeons without starting a Lengthy Legal Process first.”
“But it can’t be that long, can it?” Fluttershy asked. “I mean, I’m pretty sure the princesses do a good job ruling Equestria…”
“No, no, Fluttershy.” Twilight tapped the table twice. “I’m not adding adjectives here. That’s its official name. ‘Lengthy Legal Process’.”
Silence.
“…Really?”
“They realized they could at least be upfront about it,” Twilight said. “So, again, we can’t rely on the princesses for this. If we want to get Money Bags to the law, we need proof. And to get that proof, we need to break the law.”
“And into his casino!” Pinkie said. “Sounds like a good plan to me! We just discovered we’re a super team for robbing banks, right?”
“Do I get a chance to wear my sombrero again?” Spike asked, poking Twilight on the side. “Because if that’s the case, I’m in.”
“Even without the sombrero, you need to be part of the plan, Spike.” Twilight patted his head. “Pinkie was right. We will need teamwork to get in the casino. I’m pretty sure it’s one of the most secure places in Canterlot, and we need to get in there unnoticed. If Money Bags sees us, he might catch on and destroy the accusatory documents. And seeing how the futures market is anonymous, we won’t be able to blame him if he does that, even if we know he did.”
Silence.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Evil economics, yaddah yaddah, we have to go.”
“Hmm.” Rarity flicked her mane to the side. “You make a compelling argument, dear. That can’t really be denied.”
“Yeah! We’re going to go on an adventure!” Dash crossed her legs. “Why are you all so stuck up about it? Come on, it will be fun!”
“And this time, if we fail, we won’t get devoured by a dragon,” Fluttershy added. “That’s a nice change.”
“I mean, we go on adventures all the time!”
“Adventures filled with dragons. Or chimeras. Or hydras. Or giant bears. Or giant spiders. Or—”
“Fluttershy is right,” Rarity interrupted. “This will be like any other adventure of ours, but with no scary monsters underneath our beds. I say that’s an improvement.”
“And y’all promise there’s no other way?” Applejack squinted at Twilight. “Pinkie promise? We have to do that, or Manehattan gets it?”
Twilight nodded. “Pinkie promise.”
Applejack sighed. “Well then.” She put both her hooves on the table, a grimace on her face. “Ah guess we’ll have to break the law a little. Ah just hope we don’t get caught. And Ah’m not painting my coat again.”
“So you went and bought a house.” Dash turned around and looked at Twilight. “Well, commitment is the first step to win, I guess!”
“I rented a house,” Twilight said. “It’s different. And this is serious, girls. Commitment is the least one should expect of us.”
The house itself was big enough to fit all seven of them with no trouble. It was exactly like any other Canterlot house ever—white, with a golden roof, three floors, and a million windows. Once one walked inside of it, however, it turned out to be a very cozy place, with carpets and chairs everywhere, and the biggest fireplace one could wish for.
“What I don’t understand, however,” Rarity said, unpacking her things, “is how you managed to find such a nice place in just two days, Twilight. Did you use your position as a princess or something?”
“What? No!” Twilight rolled her eyes. She had finished unpacking a couple minutes ago. “We need to go incognito, Rarity. Nopony can know we’re here. As for the house, Spike did it.”
“Yeah!” He pointed at his chest. “This dragon here is the one who found the house!”
“Aren’t you a little young to do that kind of thing?” Applejack arched an eyebrow at Spike. “Rentin’ a house seems too much for a baby dragon, if you ask me.”
“Not at all!” Spike smiled. “I discovered loooong ago that any kind of trouble with my age can get flushed away if I throw enough money at it.”
“And you had enough money to do this?”
“I’m a princess, I’ve been Princess Celestia’s personal student for more than a decade, my brother is the prince of the sister empire, and my mother is a successful novelist.” Twilight said, the left corner of her mouth going up. “Believe me: we had enough money.”
“Wait, what?!” Dash looked at Twilight. “You’re rich?! I didn’t know that!”
“Rainbow, I had a princess as a babysitter when I was young.”
“Well, yeah. But I thought that was because Cadance was really lame.”
“Hey!” Pinkie Pie jumped from upstairs—literally, she went from the second floor to the first one in just one jump—and landed right in front of them, causing Twilight to take a step back in surprise. “There are only three rooms up there, girls! Only three rooms!”
“Uh?” Twilight blinked. “What?”
“I had two days to find a good place near the casino,” Spike said. “I figured you wouldn’t mind.”
“What do you mean? We need to share rooms?” Rarity asked. “Because if that’s the case, I’m sleeping with Fluttershy.”
“Oh! Oh!” Rainbow raised a hoof up. “I call Applejack!”
Twilight frowned. “I’m pretty sure we can just—”
“APPLEJACK!” Rainbow shouted, looking at the stairs, “I CALL DIBS ON YOU!”
“WHAT?!” came AJ’s voice from the floor above them. “WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!”
“WE SHARE A ROOM!”
“REALLY?!”
“YEAH! ISN’T THAT AWESOME!”
“YOU CAN BET THAT PRETTY FACE OF YOURS IT IS! DID YOU BRING THE POKER CARDS?!”
Rainbow chuckled. “OF COURSE I DID! DID YOU BRING THE CIDER?!”
“’COURSE, SUGARCUBE!”
“AWESOME!”
“Aaaaand I’m already regretting the decision to come here to live with you for a week,” Rarity said, looking at Rainbow with her eyebrow arched so high it was almost off her face.
“Oh, I’m sure it will be fun!” Fluttershy said, flying to their side out of seemingly nowhere. “If we share our room, it will be like if we had a spa date every day, right?”
“Yes, indeed.” Rarity pointed at Rainbow Dash, who was flying in circles like a happy mockingbird while yelling something that sounded like ‘yoohooo’. “A spa date with her in the room next to us.”
“Now, now, don’t be like that.” Twilight said, patting Rarity’s shoulder. “I’m sure this will be interesting. How bad could it be?”
“You do realize you are going to share your room with Pinkie Pie, right?”
Pinkie gasped. “Oh my gosh! TWILIGHT! WE CAN HAVE A PARTY EVERY NIGHT! EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT!”
Twilight blinked. “Oh dear.”
Rarity looked at her. “You’re regretting it too, right?”
“This is going to be painful.”
“You know, when I asked you to explain to me your plans and how you’re attacking my casino, I wasn’t expecting you to gift me with the tale of how your amazing everyday life works,” Money Bags said. “I couldn’t be happier with this. I’m dying to know how you fixed the bedroom problems. And please, tell me you’re going to explain to me the day the six of you cooked something for the dragon because it’s his birthday in full detail. That would be just lovely.”
Twilight huffed. “As I said, if you want to understand the rest, you need the full picture—”
“Funny how I don’t remember you saying that, right?” Money Bags clapped his hooves three times. “And hey, I believe that might be because you never said it!”
“I don’t—”
“In fact, I’m completely sure that I asked you to explain to me something really simple, and instead you just started rambling about drinking tea with your friends, and renting houses, and whatnot.” He snorted. “Which is not to say it’s not interesting, of course! I love incredibly boring stories that lead to absolutely nowhere. They’re the sauce that spices life up, right?”
Twilight frowned. “If you want me to go straight to the point, you can just ask me.”
“And miss the chance to hear about that time you baked a cake?! Are you serious?!”
“You don’t need to be sarcastic!” Twilight said. “And we didn’t bake any—ah. Wait a moment. We did bake a cake. More than one, actually—”
“And let me guess: you were going to tell me about it.” Money Bags sighed. “Princess, I’m going to be clear here: either you get to the point, or I turn your friend into lemonade and my guards will drink it. Are we clear?”
Silence.
“…Lemonade?”
“Yes. Lemonade.” Money Bags crossed his legs. “It’s a threat. I don’t know if you’re familiar with those.”
“I know it’s a threat!” Twilight said, struggling against the ropes to cross her legs too. “It’s just that… Lemonade?”
“Can you please stop trying to change the subject and talk about the stupid heist?!”
“Tch.” Twilight looked to the side and bit her lip. “As I was saying, Pinkie and Dash…”
“Ahem.”
“Okay, okay! So, moving along: we arrived at the house eight days ago. However, we didn’t spend those days baking cakes and throwing parties. In fact, we were quite busy…”
Indeed, that week turned out to be one of the busiest—and weirdest—ones Twilight and her friends ever went through. After all, there’s a huge step between choosing to rob a casino and actually robbing a casino.
“The first thing is, of course, to find a secure place to plan the entire thing. We can’t get caught, and that means we can’t arouse any suspicion.” Twilight smirked. “Of course, that’s exactly the reason why I rented this house in the first place, so that wouldn’t be a problem.”
“But what if somepony looks at who rented the place?” Fluttershy asked. “I mean… Spike is the only baby dragon who lives among ponies…”
“By the time anypony tries to follow our trail, we’ll have sent Money Bags to the dungeons.” Twilight shrugged. “I don’t think that will be a problem—as long as Money Bags doesn’t know we’re here before we actually get the documents we want…”
“But once we’ve done that, they can still find out that we we’re the ones who broke into the casino, right?” Rarity asked. “If that’s the case, it doesn’t matter if Money Bags is already down, because we would still be criminals.”
Silence.
Twilight licked her lips. “…We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m Princess Celestia’s personal protégé, after all. And, uh, a princess in my own right. I’m pretty sure we’ll sort something out.”
“Is it even illegal, if the princess does it?”
Again, perhaps this will be a good time to describe that house. Thankfully, it will be a very short description, as, after all, nothing really important happened there.
Spike had truly found a good place to hide. It was near the casino, just a couple streets away, and as it has already been said, it had three floors. The second one had the bedrooms—three, as Pinkie Pie had eagerly described—with two beds each. Twilight slept in the same room as Pinkie and Spike, Dash shared hers with AJ, and Fluttershy…
Money Bags massaged his temples. “Oh dear Celestia, I feel as if I hadn’t threatened you enough.”
…and Fluttershy, of course, shared hers with Rarity. The first floor had the kitchen, where they had baked that incredibly important cake that will come later, in a far more important turn of the story, to change everything and to give new meaning to what is happening…
“YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!”
Twilight rolled her eyes.
…and then, in the same room as that marvelous fireplace they all had fallen in love with, there was a giant round table with seven chairs, perfect for their reunions. That’s where they were all sitting at the moment.
It was the day after their arrival, and even though sleeping in the same room as Pinkie had turned out even harder than Twilight had initially thought—that mare had the ability to get confetti from anywhere, no matter how thoroughly Twilight tried to confiscate it all—it had its advantages.
“Again, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” Twilight said. “Right now I think we should focus on the important thing.”
“Yeah! The cake!” Pinkie nodded. “I really like that cake!”
“Cake, yes. But we’re talking about something else, I think.” Rarity rested her head on her hooves and looked at Twilight. “Do we have a plan?”
“That’s why I gathered you all here to talk. Pinkie had a good idea for the heist, and I think we can make it work, but to do that…” Twilight sighed. “Well, girls, I’m afraid we’re going to need to work a lot.”
Everypony gulped.
“Now, this is what we’re going to do…”
“Welcome to Money Bags Casino.”
It was a busy day in Canterlot, and the streets were filled with ponies of all races and colors. Every public building was boiling with activity, and among them, Money Bags Casino stood out, with its bright green and red colors and its countless little lights.
There was a security guard at the door, of course. A place like Money Bags Casino couldn’t let everypony in just like that. That particular morning, seven days before the heist, the guard was a big blue earth pony wearing a black jacket and sunglasses, who looked at the two mares in front of them and talked with a voice that sounded like sandpaper rubbing a very big rock. “Names,” he said.
Fluttershy, showing a grey coat, gulped. “Um. Uh. I’m—”
“The name’s Flowerbomb, fella!” Rainbow, now painted bright red with a blue mane and wearing a giant grey dress, showed the security pony the biggest smile ever shown. “Charmed to meet you! Now open that door!”
The security pony didn’t move. “Flowerbomb.” He looked at Rainbow Dash over his sunglasses. “Your name is Flowerbomb.”
“Uh. Yeah. That’s what I said, right?” Dash’s smile got a little smaller.
“And you want to get in.”
“Well. Yes. That’s the main purpose of a door, if I’m not mistaken.”
The security guard squinted. “No.”
“What?! Why?!”
“Because you’re named Flowerbomb, and I have specific orders to not let in any pony with names that evoke explosions, fire, accidents, or any kind of event that might bring death to our customers or the personnel of the casino.” He arched an eyebrow. “I’m sure you understand.”
“What?! Of course I don’t understand!” Dash frowned and took flight, hovering right in front of the guard’s face. “That’s stupid! You are stupid! Now let us in!”
“Um, Flowerbomb?” Fluttershy asked. “I’m… pretty sure berating him is not going to work in this situation.”
“Shut up, Shy, Flowerbomb is talking!” Dash poked the guard in the chest. “Just so you know, my name has nothing to do with explosions! The ‘bomb’ part is a, uh, a family name!” She crossed her legs and smirked. “Yeah! A family name! Take that.”
She then turned around and winked at Fluttershy.
Fluttershy rolled her eyes.
“A family name?” the guard asked, apparently unfazed by that incredibly unsuspicious wink. “So you’re part of the Bomb family.”
“Yeah!”
“The famous Bomb family that’s been accused of countless terrorist acts? The universally hated criminals?”
Silence.
Dash blinked. “Um. No. No, I’m not related to them. I’m, uh, a part of the other Bomb family.”
The guard’s eyebrow went even higher. “So you’re a part of the Bombs family?”
“Yeah!” Dash clapped her hooves. “Eeexactly! That one!”
“The same Bombs family that has been accused of countless terrorist acts but is not that hated?”
Fluttershy bit her lip. “Oh, dear.”
“Okay, no, not that one either!” Dash frowned. “Totally unrelated to those too!”
“Huh.” The guard scratched his chin. “The Bomb family, the Bombs family… Ah! You’re part of the Bon family? The candy makers from Ponyville?”
“Yeah!”
“The candy makers from Ponyville that have been accused of countless terrorist acts and—”
“OH, COME ON!”
That same morning, in a completely different part of the town, two mares, one painted blue and the other painted pink, were sitting at a café, enjoying a nice cup of tea.
Well, one of them was enjoying it, at least.
“Nope. Not drinkin’ it.”
“Oh, please, Applejack, don’t be a child.” Rarity tapped the table twice with her right hoof, a little frown on her face. “This is literally the first step towards your transformation, and you’re already ruining it!”
“Ah’m pretty sure Ah can be one proper lady without drinkin’ this.” Applejack frowned at her cup of tea. The cup of tea returned her gaze with its offensive teaness. “Ah don’t see what this would accomplish.”
“Well, I can assure you it would accomplish a lot. Here, let me show you.” Rarity took a sip of her tea and smiled. “Aaah. When all is said and done, nothing is better than a good Canterlot tea. Don’t you think, dear?”
“No.”
“Oh, come on!” Rarity frowned. “Applejack, you need to take this seriously!”
“Ah’m takin’ it seriously!” AJ replied. “It’s just that this thing is dumb!” She crossed her legs and looked to the side. “There. Ah said it.”
“This is not dumb, and you need to take your tea.” Rarity sighed. “Look, if you want to get in Money Bags Casino, you need to be la crème de la crème of Canterlot, or at least you need to make others believe you are.” She licked her lips. “Which, to be honest, is the exact same thing as downright being it, but a lady never criticises the rules of high society, unless it gets between her and her loved one.” She arched an eyebrow. “However, I don’t see you looking for a husband, do I?”
Silence.
“What?”
“Shut up and drink your tea,” Rarity said. “Twilight trusts me to turn you into a proper lady, and Celestia as my witness, you’re going to become one by any means necessary.”
“Yeah, sure, Ah’ll be a lady!” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Ah’ve been a lady before! Ah was in Manehattan for a while when Ah was just a kiddo, and Ah don’t know if you remember that week you became a farmer?”
"In my worst nightmares, yes.”
“Yeah. Ah acted like a fancy pony there, didn’t Ah?” Applejack smirked. “Ah don’t need no help, Rares, and Ah certainly don’t need no tea!”
“Sometimes Princess Luna is there. Watching. Judging.”
Applejack blinked. “Uh, sugarcube?”
“Hmm? Ah!” Rarity covered her mouth with a hoof. “My, sorry. I… lost track of my thoughts for a second.”
“Your left eye was twitchin’.”
“Yes, you shouldn’t have mentioned the mud,” Rarity replied. “Anyway, yes, I know you acted like a lady, but ah, my dear…” She pressed her hooves together right under her chin and shot AJ a warm smile. “Acting like a lady is not the same as being a lady, is it?”
Applejack arched an eyebrow. “Didn’t you say thirty seconds ago that it’s the exact same thing?”
“Are you looking for a husband, Applejack?” Rarity asked, not missing a beat.
“Uh.” AJ blinked. “…No?”
“Then shut up and drink your tea.”
“But what kind of thing would that accomplish?” Applejack asked, making a pout. “Ah’m honestly askin’, I don’t get this!”
Rarity sighed deeply. “Applejack, my dear, I’m afraid that acting like a slightly less uncouth foal in front of your loving family or angering me with your, let’s be honest, offensive imitation is not the same as fooling the ponies we’ll meet at the casino.” She took another sip of tea. “Do you understand me?”
Silence.
“Didja just insult my upbringin’?”
“Details, details, details!” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Applejack, please listen to me, or at least trust Twilight if you feel like listening to your old friend is too much for you. You really need to train yourself how to act in high society!”
“Ah don’t!”
“You’re literally unable to speak in first person without showing everypony you were born and raised on a farm.”
Silence.
“Ain't it.”
“Oh, for Celestia’s sake.” Rarity massaged her temples. “We all think you need to take some nobility classes, and I’m the best pony to do so, so just obey me and drink your tea, please.”
“But Ah just don’t get it, Rares!” Applejack shook her head. “Why am Ah the only one doin’ this while the others have a good time?”
Rarity sighed. “Because Twilight and Fluttershy can figure it out on their own, even if they have a little difficulty doing so.” She waved a hoof. “Fluttershy’s good at saying nothing, hiding under her mane, and being pretty; she’ll be okay. Dash looks and acts like the cousin of a Wonderbolt, so everypony will excuse her boldness. That sporty, brash pegasus archetype is surprisingly common in high society, so she’ll fit right in.” Rarity shook her head. “And Pinkie…”
A pause.
“Okay, Pinkie Pie is the social equivalent of aggravated assault, but she’s Pinkie Pie, so it doesn't count.” Rarity frowned. “You, on the other hoof, look and act like exactly the kind of pony who would never get in the casino, and we’ll need our Muscle. Understand?”
“But why can’t Ah be like Dash?!” Applejack said, raising her tone a little. “She gets to be all dumb and noisy! Just say Ah’m the daughter of a rodeo star or somethin’!”
“Applejack, I said brash pegasi are typical.” Rarity took another sip of tea. In the corner of her eye, she saw that Applejack’s was getting cold. “Brash earth ponies are not seen as Wonderbolt wannabes. They’re seen as brash earth ponies, and thus they’re quickly kicked out.”
“Well that’s just not fair!”
“You’re still not looking for a husband, so you’re not allowed to say that.”
“And what the hay is that husband thing you’re talkin’ about?!”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “You’re just proving to me again and again that you really need to learn how to be a lady.”
“Bah.”
“And yes, the tea is important.” Rarity took another sip to make her point. “You see, Applejack, you’re not exactly good at lying. Sure, you can be a good actor somehow, but that won’t cut it now that ponies are supposed to believe you’re actually who you say you are.” She smirked. “Hence my comment about you becoming a lady, and not just acting like one. Unless you really, truly, and completely turn into a real, refined lady, then we’ll fail. Got it?”
Applejack’s frown became even bigger. “If you’re sayin’ being honest is a bad thing…”
“It’s not a bad thing,” Rarity said. “We all admire you for your ability to say the truth. I personally consider you a really brave pony for doing so.” She smiled. And then stopped smiling. “Now drink your stupid tea.”
And then, finally, and after an incredibly long sigh, Applejack slowly, painfully took the teacup, brought it to her lips…
And gulped the entire thing in one go. “Ugh,” she said, and her face was—well. Lips curled, nose wrinkled, eyes white. Pure art. “Tastes like grass.”
Rarity massaged her temples again. “Applejack, it’s tea. It’s made of leaves. What were you expecting, exactly?”
“Ah don’t know, somethin’ that’s not grass!”
“We are ponies! We eat grass!”
“Yeah, but…” Applejack shivered and left the cup back on the table. “It’s different! This one is grassiest!”
Rarity massaged her temples so hard she hurt herself. This was going to be difficult.
At the same time, in yet another completely different part of town, except not really because they were in the house they had rented, Pinkie Pie and Twilight, shockingly still respectively pink and purple, were looking at a book.
They were downstairs, in that huge room that could only be described as a mixture between a laboratory and another laboratory. It was a laboratory. White walls, a huge table, a lot of crystal bottles with weird liquids in them, a lot of flasks with boiling things inside, closets with even more multicolored fluid inside, you name it. Even Twilight and Pinkie were wearing white lab coats, if only to blend better with the environment.
As it’s been already said, they were reading a book, titled How to Brew Magical Potions without Blowing Up the Room (Unless That’s What You Want)... Although, technically speaking, only Twilight was reading. Pinkie was giggling and pointing at the pictures.
“Oh, what’s this?! Let’s do this one!”
“Pinkie, that’s a love potion.”
“How do you know that? Maybe it’s some kind of ultra-super-duper bank-robbing potion!” Pinkie glared at Twilight, her eyes the size of chariot wheels. “That would be super useful!”
Twilight didn’t even bother looking back at Pinkie. “No.”
“Oh, okay.” Pinkie turned the page. “Oh! Let’s make this one!”
“That’s a transmutation potion, Pinkie,” Twilight replied. “And if what the book says is right, this will be the opposite of useful during the heist.”
Pinkie blinked. “Transmuwhat?”
“Transmutation.” Twilight read the potion’s description. “Turns you into a giant spider.”
Silence.
“THAT’S THE COOLEST THING I’VE EVER—”
“We’re not turning the guards into giant spiders, Pinkie.”
“But I like spiders!”
“No.”
Pinkie huffed. “Aw, bummer. Hey, what does this one do?”
Twilight read the paragraph under the drawing Pinkie was pointing at. “Hmm. Turns things purple.”
“And this one?”
“Gives anything it touches a slight taste of peanuts.”
“And this one?”
“One of your legs turns slightly longer.”
Pinkie clapped. “We can brew that one! That will be useful against the guards!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Well, yes, I guess it sounds mildly uncomfortable, but I would pass.” This time she was the one turning the page. “We need something that would allow us to—”
“This one!”
“Turns your hooves into chickens.”
Silence.
“No, we’re not using that one.”
“Oh, come on, Twilight!” Pinkie grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her a little. “Chicken hooves! Think of the possibilities! We could lay eggs and walk at the same time!”
Twilight stood unfazed. “No.”
“We could revolutionize the egg industry!”
“I’m turning the page.”
Pinkie shook Twilight even harder. “No! Twilight! DON’T DO IT! DON’T STEAL MY DREAM FROM ME—hey what does this one do?”
Twilight tried to hide her smile and read. “Turns your saliva into dog saliva.” She blinked. “Ugh. Who in the name of Celestia wrote this book?”
“Next one!” Pinkie’s voice was somehow becoming even higher. “What does this one do, Twilight?”
“Lets you breathe under lava.” Twilight blinked. “No mention about protecting you from the heat, though.”
“Next one!”
“Gives you a second tail, but it’s always green. It has a slight taste of peanuts.”
“What, the tail?”
“So it says.”
“Oooh.” Pinkie nodded. “AJ and Dashie will like this one!”
“Sure.” Twilight turned the page. “Let me see… Turns you into a cyclops, but only when there’s a white pony near you… Gives you the ability to summon top hats out of nowhere… Turns you into tarantulas, plural…”
“Wow, I really like this book!” Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “Where did you get it from?”
“It came with the library,” Twilight said. “Apparently, the previous owner didn’t like it, and I can see why. Hmm, this one kills the crops of your neighbor, this one gives you sweet dreams and a slight peanut taste… A-hah!” She let a smile appear on her face as she pointed at one particular paragraph. “Here! Sleep potion! Celestia, that was hard to find.”
“Yay! We’re brewing a potion!” Pinkie gave a seven-meter jump. “We’re brewing a potion, we’re brewing a potion!”
“Sure we are, Pinkie,” Twilight said. “Now, let’s see: first ingredient, fresh hoof-eggs.”
Silence.
“YES!”
“Oh, ponyfeathers.”
“Okay, we’re back!” A freshly yellow-painted Rainbow Dash walked towards the casino’s entrance later that day, this time followed by a blue-coated Fluttershy. “Hello, security guy! Let us in!”
“Hmm.” The same stallion from before looked at Dash from above his sunglasses. “Welcome to Money Bags Casino. Names.”
“Sure! I’m Storm Clouds, and my friend here is Fresh Breeze. Are we clear?”
The guard squinted. “You’re pretty brash for a pegasus,” he said.
“‘Course I am. Now let us in! I don’t have a terrorist name this time, right? So open that door!”
The guard squinted harder. “What do you mean, ‘this time’?”
Silence.
Dash hit her forehead with a hoof. “Darn it.”
The sun was shining brightly above the park, right next to the café where Rarity and Applejack had been “drinking” tea before. It looked exactly like a normal park, except Canterlot’s style.
“Now, Applejack, dear,” Rarity said, taking a deep breath, “I’m going to walk towards you and lightly bump against your shoulder, and then I’m going to apologize. Remember what I’ve been explaining about how to act in this kind of situation, and answer properly. Understood?”
Applejack shrugged. “Sure, Ah guess.”
“Good!” Rarity nodded with enthusiasm and gave AJ a small smile. “Here I coome, aaaaand—” she took a step, and her shoulder hit Applejack’s slightly “—bump!” She got away and covered her mouth with a hoof. “Oh, my, I’m so sorry, dear. I’m afraid I didn’t see you there!”
Applejack replied with a huge grin. “Nah, ne’er mind, sugarcube! Ah reckon y’all didn’t want to.”
“No!” Rarity frowned. “Applejack!”
AJ snickered. “Rarity, Ah’m just playin’ with you.” She shook her head. “Ahem. Don’t worry, dear, Ah’m sure y’didn’t mean to!” She arched an eyebrow. “See? Easy!”
“No, not ‘easy’. You failed.”
“What?!”
“You didn’t hide your accent.” Rarity squinted. “In fact, I think you made it even worse!”
“Ah didn’t do that!” Applejack snorted. “And mah accent is not that noticeable.”
“No, seriously. Your accent is getting thicker.”
“Ah don’t have no idea what yer talkin’ ‘bout.”
Rarity sighed. “Applejack, try to say ‘I like apples’, please.”
“Hah. Original much?” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Ah like apples.”
“No. I like apples.”
“Ah like apples.”
“I LIKE APPLES!”
“AH LIKE’ EM APPLES, HOWDY HOWDY HOWDY HOWDY Y’ALL!”
“Please, tell me you’re purposely hyperbolizing your accent.”
Applejack winked. “Doin’ what now?”
Rarity groaned.
“DEAR CELESTIA THIS FEELS EVEN WEIRDER THAN EXPECTED!”
“Hey, you just laid another egg! And that hoof just pooped.”
Twilight bit her lip. “Turns out getting ready for a crime is way harder than expected.”
Silence.
“You actually brewed the chickenhooves potion?”
“As I said, it was a weird week.”