//------------------------------// // Chapter 8: Lullaby of Loss // Story: In the Sun's Shadow // by Polaris501 //------------------------------// Castle Aurora Two Hours After Sunrise Celestia There it was, the secret of her heart and mind was out in the open for her daughter to finally know. She had put this off for far too long. The silence was suffocating. Her heart was beating fearfully in her chest, almost deafening in the silence that had descended. Celestia hadn’t felt this vulnerable in centuries. Every second of nothing that passed seemed like a year of agony as she awaited Twilight’s reaction. Her daughter gasped as if stabbed and flinched back. “What?” She squeaked. Twilight stared up at her as if she didn’t recognize her. Then she looked back at the mirror, where their reflections still showed, and then back up at her. Twilight started trembling, as if in her own personal earthquake. Her lip was shaking as she whimpered. “I-I don’t understand!” Twilight stuttered. Her tail curled up and she started stroking it with a shaking hoof. “That…That’s not possible is it? N-N-No! That’s not possible! You…You can’t be my mother!” Celestia winced. “I…I’m sorry. I should have told you a long time ago-“ “Told me!” Twilight yelped. “I should have never not known!” Twilight was getting more frantic with every second. Her wings unfurled and then retracted repeatedly as her panic grew. She turned around to where Celestia couldn’t see her face. Twilight started crying. “I…I wish I didn’t know…” Celestia could feel her heart start to break. She reached forward to touch Twilight, but as soon as her hoof touched her daughter’s shoulder Twilight brushed off Celestia violently. “Don’t touch me!” Twilight still wouldn’t look at her. “Twilight…Twilight please, I’m sorry!” Celestia begged, tears leaking down her face. Her fears were being realized. “I just...I didn’t…” She just wanted to see Twilight, see her face, see the magenta eyes that were just like her own. She just wanted to be a family. Mother and daughter. Was she too late? Celestia reached out with her wings to embrace her. She wanted to just…hold her wonderful, beautiful daughter. To feel her heart beat against her own. Celestia needed to let her child know how much she loved her. “Twilight…Twilight I-“ And in a poof of magic, Twilight was gone. “…love you.” Celestia finished weakly. She remained where she was, wings reaching out to embrace the empty air. Twilight…had rejected her. Twilight didn’t want her. Twilight didn’t love her. And Celestia’s heart broke. Letting out a heart-wrenching sob, Celestia closed her eyes bitterly and bowed her head as she wept. Her mournful keens filled the forsaken room like a the echoes of a long forgotten ghost. Tears flowed freely as they fell like rain to the unfeeling stone below. I’ve lost her… Celestia felt her heart beat weakly in her chest, as if it had lost the will to continue in the wake of Twilight’s rejection. Her mind was numb. What would she do now? What could she do? Did she even want to do anything? She didn’t know. Did she care? Wishing…begging for Twilight, Celestia turned her torn mind to happier times. Celestia remembered when Twilight was a small filly, barely tall enough to reach her knees. It was when Twilight had first moved into the castle. Celestia had been so happy then, to be so close to her only child. And yet it was also torture, to be so close and still withholding her true feelings towards Twilight. Celestia would smile every time Twilight came to her, whether it be for lessons or advice. But then she would cry herself to sleep every time she left the castle. It had been like Twilight coming home, only for her to turn away and return to another mare that she called ‘mother.’ Celestia spent many a holiday alone, unable to retain her composure when she desired her daughter’s presence. Twilight would go home to her adoptive family for Hearth's Warming Eve, leaving her alone in a cold castle with nothing but bitter regrets. Mother’s Day was the worst, when Twilight would ask her for advice on what to give Velvet. It was days like that when she longed to reveal herself to Twilight. To finally be recognized as the mother of her beloved child. But she never did. Celestia cursed the day she left Twilight at the orphanage, even though she knew there had been no other way. The broken alicorn stood up as if carrying the weight of her sun. She didn’t know what to do. Should she go find Twilight? No…Yes? No. Twilight didn’t want her. Twilight didn’t want to know that Celestia was her mother. A dagger digging out her heart could not have been more effective. Celestia pushed open the door, flinching in the bright light that suddenly invaded her eyes. “Celestia?” It was Luna, still sitting patiently outside the door. Her sister peered over her shoulder into the empty room behind her. “Celestia…where’s Twilight?” Luna asked carefully, her face scrunched up in concern. “Gone.” She sobbed. “I…” Luna said in realization. “Oh sister, I’m so sorry…” Celestia stared through her, as if she wasn’t there. Nor did she react to Luna’s apology. Instead she walked on as if Luna was a fixture on the wall. “Sister?” Luna asked, her face a mixture of worry and guilt. “Should I go find-“ “No.” Celestia interrupted tartly. “She doesn’t want me.” “I don’t think that’s-“ Celestia held up a wing to silence her, not even looking back at her sister. “I… I want to be alone. I deserve to be alone.” Luna looked panicked, so she walked faster as she tried to catch up to Celestia. “Tia, I think we need to-“ “To what?” Celestia snapped, turning her tear-stained face to glare at her sister. “To do what Luna? Twilight rejected me. She wished she didn’t know I am her mother. What more should I do? What more can I do? Anything I do will only make her unhappy, and I…I don’t want to make her sad. But it would seem that I have failed in that regard. Again.” Luna frowned sympathetically. “Sister…I don’t know what to say-“ “Then say nothing.” Celestia said flatly, turning back away from Luna. “I’ve already said enough.” And before Luna could reply, Celestia charged up her magic and returned to her guest suite in Castle Aurora. She sluggishly returned to the bed and fell heavily onto it, crying all the while. I deserve to be alone. Celestia didn’t deserve Twilight as a daughter, she was a terrible mother. Twilight had only ever admired her as a mentor and a princess. Now Twilight might not love her at all, not after Celestia admitted to deceiving her all these years. Against her better judgment, Celestia recalled the brief time she had truly been Twilight’s mother, in the time before she had left her on the orphanage’s doorstep. Celestia remembered when she first discovered she was pregnant. The initial panic gave way to happiness and joy, only for doubt and fear to return with a vengeance. She lovingly recalled the months she felt Twilight growing within her, her stomach growing as she became foal-burdened. Celestia had to cast a enchantment on herself to hide her large pregnant belly from the guards and the castle staff. When Twilight had been born, she had never felt so much love before. Not since Luna had been banished. To look into those small magenta eyes, just like her own, as they opened for the first time was more breathtaking than anything Celestia had witnessed in all her long life. To hear her cries, and to feel her daughter’s love was something Celestia wouldn’t have traded for anything. A song came to mind. The first and only song Celestia had sang to Twilight as her mother. With the voice of an angel and the sadness of a broken heart, she sang aloud her lullaby. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take, my sunshine away…”