"How's it goin' bros, my name is Peeeeewdiepie!" He sang to the camera.
"And welcome to... Fridays with Pewdiepie! Today, you bros will decide what I play, using... Twitter!"
He quickly activates his screen recorder and types a tweet asking for game suggestions. Immediately, a few dozen comments pop up. Felix Kjellberg takes a look at them before settling on one that he thought - no, he knew - his bros would chuckle at.
"First game: My Little Pony Sim 2015 - PewDieQuestria Map. This sounds interesting as hell," He chuckled as he searches for and downloads My Little Pony Sim. As it loads, he reclines in his chair, humming the beat of Fabulous. His pink Razer headphones start to slide down his forehead, and he quickly shoves them back on, partially ruining his hairstyle.
Once it finally loads - dear God, that took a long time - he looks for the PewDieQuestria map and it pops up as the first result. He sneaks a glance at the description before he starts.
Created using alicorn magic. Not your normal simulator. Viewer discretion advised.
Fucking brony maps and their goddamn gay descriptions, He thinks as he stabs the Download button.
"I hope this is an actually good map, bros. I don't think I could forgive you if it isn't." He winks playfully to let the camera know that he's only joking.
Then he pressed Play.
"Uhhhh... Ahh, my leg..."
As he opened his eyes, he found himself in the middle of a dirt path in a forest. He saw a blurry lake at the bottom of the hill that he was on.
"Goddamn it, where am I?"
The forest-y sounds filled his ears; birds chirping, cicacas cheeping, ants... erm, anting?
As his vision returned to normal, he caught sight of his outstretched hand.
Well, in this case, hoof.
"WHAT THE SHI-"
He paused in mid curse and entered what is commonly known as PPM, or Pewdie Processing Mode.
He sat there on his flanks, mouth agape, eyes unbelievingly staring.
He shifted his head slowly to see a pair of Razer Megalodon headphones on both of his flanks, and a tail sprouting from his rear.
He was a horse. Period, the end.
He groaned and plopped back down onto the ground.
"I'm a horse, I'm a horse, I'm a goddamned horse..." He cursed to himself with a slightly pissed, slightly murderous look. "What the fuck, what the fuck, what the actual fuck."
He faceplanted onto the pine needles, snorting one up his nose. He clumsily plucked it out and lay there for a few minutes until he finally decided to get up again.
This is just another game. he told himself. If I beat this, I'll win. I just need to find out how.
"There's gotta be a fucking town somewhere," he mumbled as he limped out of the forest on his bizarre hooves.
Sure enough, after a wobbly five minute trot, he got to a sign that read:
Welcome to Ponyville!
Population: 21
Lolz, le funni?
No?
;_;
He rolled his eyes at the dumb vine reference and arrived in what looked like the town square. He glanced around, looking for anyone he could ask for help.
"Hiya!"
Felix yelped and jumped a good ten feet or so into the air. He returned to the earth to meet another pony with a huge grin. A very pink one, with pink hair, a pink coat, and cupcake herpes. She had blue eyes that were just like Pewdie's (but not nearly as fabulous as his). She also had another pony next to her - a Pegasus with a rainbow mane.
"I'm Pinkie Pie!" The mare squealed. "What's your name? Are you new here? Do you like cupcakes?"
"Er, I'm, uh, Felix Kjellberg." He said with an 'ohmygodwtfisgoingon' face.
Pinkie Pie looked confused. "I think he has something caught in his throat," she whisper-shouted to the Pegasus beside her, who merely shrugged.
She turned back to him. "So what's your name again? And do you like muffins?"
Pewds muttered a quick sequence of swear words. "My name's... Pewdiepie."
"Ooh! Are we related? Because I think we might be related! I'm Pinkie pie, and you're Poody pie! Ooo, mystery!" She shrieked.
"No, we are not related. And my name is pyoo-die, not poo-dy."
"Okay, cool, Pooty!" The one called Pinkie Pie replied. "And you never answered my question!!"
"Yes I did..." He groaned.
"No you didn't!! I said, DO YOU LIKE CUPCAKES?!" With every syllable, she got closer and closer until they were nose to nose.
"Yes, yes, okay! I like cupcakes!" He screamed, pupils dilating in the reflection of their doppelgängers.
Her face returned to normal and she smiled. "Good! I know just what to do for you! I'll introduce you to aaaaaalll my friends! Every one of them! So, this is Rainbow Dash..."
Well, fuck me, he thought. Exactly what I sure as shit needed. Great. Damn great.
"And this is Carrot Top, and Derpy Hooves, and Lyra, and Vinyl Scratch! Oh yeah, this is my sister Mindy Pie, and my sister Mandy Pie, and my sister Peachy Pie, and..."
Pewds felt like death would be less painful than this shit. He groaned and slumped down onto the dirt.
"...Lemon Pie, Custard Pie, Moopy Pie..." She droned on and on with that squeaky high voice of hers, making Pewds' ears hurt.
"...Cake Pie, Pie-ey Pie, Lime Pie, Whoopie Pie, Taco Pie, Banana P-"
"I can't take it anymore!" Pewds shrieked as he leaped onto all fours.
"I hear that a lot!" She squeaked cheerfully, not understanding what it meant. "Hey, you wanna go play Hopsy-scotch with me?"
He dashed away as fast as he could from that horrendous pink fiend, only to be met by...
A barrel?
He felt his heart sink like the Titanic.
"Oh hell no. Not barrels." He groaned as he hesitantly knocked the barrel aside with his forehoof. Barrels in this world too? Wasn't it already bad enough?
Another one tumbled down from nowhere. He bucked it into the side of a house and looked for shelter, his mind quickly shutting down with fear. He saw yet another barrel tumble from the sky and land on a roof, leaving a big dent. It then rolled off to the ground with a satisfied thunk.
Barrels were... Raining... From the sky?
"Satan i guden jävla fitta!" He snarled to himself as he dived under a rusty tin overhang just in time for the barrel downpour.
They came barreling down as fast as Falcon Lover did a noscope; denting roofs and destroying carriages. Pewdie grit his teeth and went into the tornado position, covering his neck with his han- uh, hooves- and curling into a ball.
By now, everypony had their doors cracked open; heads peering through the small gap. Pewds heard murmured voices or confusion and surprise; worry and fear.
"W-what's going on?" A small Pegasus colt whimpered as he clutched on to his mother's hoof for dear life.
Felix felt a thought forming in his mind. He was a unicorn... Couldn't unicorns do magical spells or some shit? If he stopped the barrel hurricane, maybe he would win this goddamn simulator and get back home. One problem - he had no idea how the actual fuck to work his horn.
He slowly unfurled out of the protective position to experiment with his sharp, pointy horn. He tried poking it and prodding it, getting nothing. He moaned with worry; he didn't have much time before the barrels conquered the town. He then pushed his headphones over his ears and tried to concentrate over the sounds of the barrels plunking on roofs.
What did he want to do, anyways?
Scatter the barrels? No, they would still be alive. No mercy. He needed to maul 'em.
Oh yes, they would be destroyed. Crushed to bits under his willpower. He snickered and decided to try a new tactic.
He brought up the magnificent daydream of the Bro Army conquering the Barrels, and he concentrated on the barrels' epic explosions. He then thought of bringing that muse up to the top of his skull; to the sharp horn capable of inducing fatal necromancy.
His horn obeyed the request, and it flared a brilliant blue, marking each barrel with a magic aura. Pewds suddenly felt like a huge weight had been placed on his back, and he made a noise in between a yelp and a well fuck me then.
But, nonetheless, he kept going, shakily thinking of the wondrous fancy of barrels and explosions his mind had conjured.
Pewds was seeing stars by that time; taking sharp gasps as he controlled the legerdemain until it finally made the barrels implode.
He felt the aura slack, and he felt like an anvil had been removed from his back. He sighed with relief; he had just performed his very first magical spell! He wondered what else he could do; maybe he could blow up that pink bitch and all of her insane friends too!
Mentioning the pink bitch and her friends...
"Hey, uh, ya alrigh' over there?"
It was that orange one; what was her name? Apple Jack-Off? He chuckled slightly at his perverted thoughts. "Fine." He responded sarcastically. "Perfect as a bitch fine."
"Who's a witch? Ya'd better not be talkin' bad 'bout Zecora, she's -" The pony began.
Pewds raised his eyebrows slightly and gave her the 'srs bro' look.
"Wha' did ah do?" She exclaimed with her bitchy country accent. "Jus' tryin' to make sure everypony's ahl-right! And anyways, do ya have any reckon on what that was?"
Pewdie facepal- er, facehoofed-. ". Det var ganska mycket en jävla fat apokalyps, dum röv!"
"Er, what was that, Sugarcube? Do ya got somethin' a-stuck in ya throat?" She asked quizzically.
Pewds slowly closed his eyes and batted them open, giving the pony a sarcastic glare.
"My throat is perfect as a dick fine, thank you very much."
"Why are ya talkin' about ducks-" She began.
"Kan du någonsin bara lära sig att stänga din jävla paj hål, du fan slampa? Har du inte lärt dig jävla läxa nu? Jag hatar dig så jävla mycket, och jag hoppas att du vet det, tik. Du bör gå suga din mammas kuk och lämna mig ensam, för helvete skull!" Pewds yelled in her face.
Her pupils dilated to tiny little ovals, and she began to take quicker breaths. "Er, o-okay then, Sugarcube," she stuttered.. "Oh shucks, ah never c-caught ya name..."
"Pewdiepie." He snarled quietly, glaring at her with a fucking passion.
"Oh, yeah, I think I know ya." She whispered, still scared senseless. "By the way, Pinkie Pie's throwin' a party to celebrate your arrival tonigh' over at Sugarcube Corner. Ya should come!"
Pewds groaned. "Åh fan nej, din lilla jävla fitta!"
She gulped and tensed up, apparently getting prepared for another stream of vulgar Swedish rage.
"Eh... I mean, I'm, uh, busy tonight." He lied with a grimace.
"Aww, but ya really shoul' come an' at least visit.." She said. "Please?"
Pewdie didn't want to have anything to do with this, but his gut told him this would lead him farther into the game.
"Oh, fine." He said in a mock cheery tone. "Va, I'll try to move my plans to a different night."
"Aw, shucks, Sugarcube, thanks so much! We're all so glad ya can make it!" She said cheerfully, appearingly recovered from Pewdie's stream of rapid Swedish. "Starts at seventeen-oh-clock sharp!"
Pewdie gave a quick nod of his head, groaning inwardly.
As the pony turned to go, he stuck up his hoof, attempting to stick up a middle finger.
Only one problem: He didn't have fingers.
Knulla mig, jag kan inte leva med detta.