THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
Series: Equestrian interviews
Interviewer: Jon Stewart
Guest: Fluttershy
Date: ???
Location: Daily Show headquarters
733 11th Avenue Manhattan, NY 10019
THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
When Jon returned to his beloved city he wasted no time heading over to his studio to get things going on his next scheduled show. And even though it wasn’t for another few days it was going to feature an Equestrian citizen so he wanted things to be just right.
First and foremost was the issue of the stage. To keep with the tradition of having a member of the mane six appear on their program, Jon commissioned for his stage to be altered to fit with the theme of whoever it was that he was to interview. In this case, Jon was to go one on one with Fluttershy who he had the impression of being a kind spirit whose soft-spoken and bashful nature was matched only by her love of animals.
Jon’s team didn’t have much to go on other than his vague descriptions so as a reference point he jokingly told them to set up the stage as if the late Steve Irwin was coming on the program. This proved to be the best comparison he could think of and it worked too. He had Selina do most of the overseeing of the project and only got to see it in its completion.
Once again, they had done a pretty good job.
His once simplistic stage was now a safari themed alcove. His desk was more or less the same, save a new color scheme which matched the overall tone of the expertly crafted area.
Instead of a backdrop of the world map in a royal flush of blue it now depicted an untouched meadow that transitioned into a forest which itself eventually lead to a valley-like gorge.
Meanwhile, back on stage, bird cages hung from the ceiling, dog beds were on the ground, and other similar amenities were strewn about to give the impression that at any moment the stage would turn into a pet shop. The last show of detail that Jon had direct input on were two cardboard cutout trees on either side of the stage at the mouth of the backstage entrance and another a few inches behind him.
Everything was perfect but little did the staff and crew realize that the construction of this intricate stage layout was but the easiest part of dealing with the upcoming guest. Before Fluttershy touched down in the studio Jon made sure to gather up every employee he had whereupon he imparted onto them the most important instruction of all.
“Try not to seem... scary.”
At first the many writers, interns, and assistants of Daily Show Headquarters didn’t quite understand what Jon meant by this. It was only when the guest arrived a few hours before the scheduled airing did they fully understand.
Like a cat that squeezed itself under someone’s porch, Fluttershy refused to leave the safety of her dressing room the entire time and conversed with no one other than Selina who stayed with her; though their back and forths were limited to the initial greeting and Fluttershy’s constant “no thank you” whenever Selina offered her something.
Once or twice the wayward pegasus did feel courageous enough to peek outside her dressing room. Every time she did she was met with the gaze from a nearby worker who either had been passing by or was waiting to see if she needed something, and every time resulted the same way; the human staff worker would acknowledge her with a smile and wave which caused her to let out a low shriek and flee back to the safety of her room.
“Yeesh,” Selina thought when Fluttershy curled up in the corner in fear. “What’s she going to be like on stage?”
Fortunately, Jon had preempted this possible fiasco by instructing the light technicians to try some good ‘ol Hollywood magic to help her along. With some minor tweaking of the stage lights, which made them more akin to what one would expect to see in a performance theatre, it was now so bright that whoever was on stage could no longer see those in the audience.
It was an old trick which usually caused those on stage to sweat more from the increased heat but now it was as if Jon and his guest were the only ones in the room. Sure they could still hear the audience but at the same time they couldn't see them which Jon was certain would help his winged friend along.
And help her it did, for by the time the third segment of the show had arrived the timid Fluttershy was now (almost) ready for the big debut. Though, the deafening sound of cheering coming from the audience did give her last minute anxiety as the camera zoomed in on Jon at the helm of the show.
The crowd continued their praising till Jon, who was pretending to write in his notes, finally addressed his loving audience with a level of enthusiasm almost equal to theirs.
“Hey, welcome back to the Daily Show my, uh guest tonight!” Jon yelled as he quickly gathered up any loose papers and shuffled them back into place. “She is a Ponyville caretaker of animals, an expert in the field of zoology, and a member of the Elements of Harmony.”
“I’m sure that was not taken out of context in any way,” Jon said as the crowd laughed only to quickly silence themselves. “Please welcome to the show... Fluttershy!”
What followed was a source of great confusion for those watching who didn’t know who Fluttershy was. But for those who had even the vaguest idea of who the guest was they could only laugh at what soon transpired.
Rather than a torrent of cheering and applauding the crowd remained silent with only the faint sound of shushing and coughing to fill the void. Moreover, when the camera zoomed in on the side of the stage where the guest would emerge there was no activity or even a sign that someone would soon reveal themselves.
Between the dead silence and no one walking on stage to meet Jon some watching at home were lead to believe that something might have been wrong with their connection, or perhaps the Daily Show had frozen in time for whatever reason.
Before anyone could call their service provider someone did eventually make their way on stage, but it wasn’t who anyone was expecting. Rather than the pony of the hour a human female in a pantsuit and with tied up hair made her way onto the stage. Again those watching from home were confused since this was supposed to be an Equestrian episode.
Soon things were made more clear when the young woman (who a select few recognized as Jon’s assistant Selina) was shown to be leading a pink and yellow pegasus into the opening by her hoof, like she was helping an old lady cross the street.
Even with the guest now in the open those in attendance still refused to cheer, or rather they were instructed before airing not to since the loud noise would spook her. An odd request but those in the audience were more than willing to comply. However, with the pony now revealing herself the silence was officially broken by way of Daily Show tradition of a theme song playing as she inched her way closer to Jon. Though it was so low in volume one could barely hear it over the sound of their footsteps.
The sight of this dapper looking human slowly escorting a cowering pony towards Jon’s desk had many confused and some uncomfortable. Jon was attuned to his audience well enough to be aware of this, but for the sake of his guest’s well-being he allowed this to proceed for as long as it needed to. That and he enjoyed the sight of Selina awkwardly walking towards his desk hunched over, almost falling over with each step. This was partially due to the height difference but mostly to Fluttershy walking off to the side of her in an attempt to hide herself.
Selina picked the wrong day to wear high heels.
Eventually, Fluttershy did make her way to her side of the desk, though Selina was the one who picked her up and placed her in the seat. Once the timid, pink-maned pony was finally in her expected seating position the crowd responded with a gentle applause the likes of which were usually only seen at golf tournaments.
Without a word, other than a deep sigh, Selina turned around and headed backstage where she belonged and felt at home. Once she was out of sight of the camera Jon scooched in on his seat and carefully leaned forward as slowly as possible to make sure there were no sudden movements to further scare his guest.
She was still visibly nervous but after a calming breath she appeared ready to proceed; as was Jon.
“Hello Fluttershy… and welcome to the show,” Jon said slowly though loud enough that all could hear him. “Thank you very much for being here today.”
“Oh, well um... thank you... for inviting me,” Fluttershy responded in a hushed tone. Another thing Jon made sure his staff did was tweak her microphone to be more sensitive so that those in attendance could better hear her (basically doing the opposite for when they had interviewed Luna).
“Now then, before... before we get started, I just want to say that I... I have a bone to pick with you young lady,” he continued.
“I’m sorry!” the guest of the evening blurted as she winced almost as if she was in pain.
“I didn’t even say what it was about yet,” he pointed out as he rhythmically tapped his pen against his desk.
“Oh, I know… but still… sorry,” she repeated while the audience ‘awwed’ at her innocence.
“Anyway… uh, getting… getting back to my point… I’ve invited you on my show... dozens of times and each time you turned me down. Only now have uh... have you decided... to be a part of my program,” he continued with Fluttershy looking guilty, “and that’s only ‘cause you owed me one so… so I gotta ask… w-why didn’t you want to be on The Daily Show for the longest time? I mean this... this can’t just be because you’re nervous… it seems like there's more to it than that.”
After sticking her neck out to take a nervous gulp, Fluttershy hanged her head low and slumped her shoulders like she was trying to roll herself up into a little ball of fuzz, but she couldn't hide from the camera since her chair was adjusted to be as high up as possible.
Even though she couldn't see the audience she turned to face them to make sure that the illusion of her being alone with Jon was being maintained. While she knew they were there, not being able to look at all those glaring eyes was enough to give her the confidence to answer.
“You alright Fluttershy?” Jon asked when a good ten seconds of silence had passed.
“Oh um… yes… I’m… I’m fine,” she answered after a deep breath. “But... to answer your question… the reason I didn’t want to be on your show is... is because I was scared.”
Based on the mannerisms of this feeble looking pegasus, no one was surprised by her answer.
“Hmm, I get this a lot.” Jon nodded in agreement. “I’ve been in the television business for a while now and stage fright was definitely something I’ve had to overcome. One of the biggest problems we’ve had to face when hiring new correspondents is whether or not they can handle being in front of people.”
Had Fluttershy been able to see the guests in attendance she would have noticed quite a number of them nod their heads in agreement.
“You... you were afraid to be in front of others, too?” Fluttershy asked, surprised that someone like Jon suffered from such a phobia.
“Yes, but to be honest it’s not that surprising when you think about it. Fear of public speaking is, from what I understand, the most common phobia out there,” he recalled. “It reminds me of uh... my friend Jerry Seinfeld, a comedian like me, has a joke about this where he said… he said… ‘the number one fear is talking in front of people and the second is fear of death… which means that at a funeral most would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.’”
The crowd laughed but Fluttershy, as would be the case with most of the interview, didn’t find the issue funny in any way and instead resorted to cowering in her seat. Her shivering was very much visible to Jon who was sitting but a few feet away, so he decided to help her along as he had done with so many others.
“Hey, don’t worry Fluttershy, you’re doing fine,” he assured her in a respectful tone. “I uh, I understand you’re nervous… about being on television, but let me just say that you... y-you are doing an exceptional job so far.”
To show they agreed, as well as their support, the audience again lightly applauded the scared little pony which seemed to work since she was starting to sit up straight to address Jon.
“Um... t-thank you for saying so... oh, and thank you audience for being so nice to me,” she said in their direction before turning back to face Jon. “I will admit… the thought of being on TV was… very frightening… but…”
“But?” Jon echoed in a curious tone after Fluttershy paused to collect her thoughts.
“But… that’s not why I didn’t want to be on your show,” she revealed much to everyone’s surprise.
“Wait… excuse me?” Jon said.
“Um… back when I said I was scared to be on your show… um well… the truth is…” she began before pausing to nervously look around in any direction but forward. “What made me not want to be here wasn’t… the idea of being in front of people… but something else entirely.”
Jon’s curiosity was overflowing.
“So you… okay now I’ve got to know,” Jon said with vested interest. “If it wasn’t stage fright… what made you so scared about being here?”
“Well… it was, um… you,” she answered.
“M-me?!” Jon blurted in a loud enough tone to make his guest squeak in surprise as she once again hunched over. “W-wait a second!... The reason you didn’t want to be on my show was because… you thought I was scary… me?!”
Those watching, and even Fluttershy, could tell that Jon’s loud voice wasn’t out of anger but instead came completely from surprise, though she still found herself flinching in response.
“Uuum… y-yes,” Fluttershy answered, looking guilty in the process. “... Sorry.”
Tilting himself back in his seat, Jon ran both hands through his hair and couldn’t help but let out a slight chuckle in the process. This was definitely a new experience for him; growing up he was never looked at, nor did he perceive himself, as an intimidating figure.
“I don’t… I seriously don’t understand how… okay just… okay Fluttershy,” Jon began. “Fluttershy… I just want to make something… very, very, very clear… you’re afraid of me?”
“Y… yes,” she answered.
“And that’s why you didn’t want to be on my show?” he continued.
“… Yes,” she repeated.
“Fluttershy, honey… where do you live?” Jon asked.
“Um… Equestria,” she answered.
“A place filled with… magic, giant trolls, evil creatures, dragons, monsters of all sizes really, and villains trying to take over the world,” Jon listed by placing his hand on the table and moving it closer and closer to his guest. “I mean for God’s sake your roommate is Discord… God of Chaos… meanwhile I’m a five foot seven 51-year-old man from New Jersey at barely over 150 pounds… and I’m the scary one?”
“I’m sorry if I’ve offended you!” she apologized, not realizing how thick Jon’s skin was. “But... i-i-if it makes you feel better... I don’t think you look scary at all.”
“Then why do I scare you?” Jon asked with a shrug as he tapped his fingers against his desk. “Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish?”
“Oh no, of course not!” Fluttershy blurted back as the crowd laughed. “It’s... well, because you… you see, I’ve felt this way ever since one of my friends got me to watch an episode of yours for the first time. Till then I... I didn’t really know who you were but when I saw you I... well, to be honest, and please don’t get mad, but… I thought you were a... a very, very bad person.”
The clumsy way she tiptoed around the issue was cute at first but once she finally got to the root of her fears a smile of disbelief was then smeared across Jon’s surprised face. He could hardly believe what he was hearing.
“Wait... you mean a bad guy?! You thought I was the bad guy?!” Jon erupted, having to place his clenched fist over his mouth to hide his smile and incoming laughter. His eruption combined with the continuous wave of laughter from the unseen audience caused Fluttershy to use her wings to cover her face. “Are you serious Fluttershy?! Are you... I mean... okay, AGAIN you live with Discord… DISCORD! The embodiment of evil and chaos who once tried to take over your world and throw the Elements of Harmony out of order is probably crashing in your living room right now and you think I’m the bad guy?!”
“I’m sorry!” Fluttershy squeaked.
Stroking his non-existent beard, Jon couldn't help but laugh at the idea. There was only one way to proceed from here and it was to be as direct as possible.
“Fluttershy you... you think... okay, I’m just going to ask... why?” Jon said. “Why do you think I’m, as you say, a very bad person?”
“As… as I was saying, the first time I saw your show it was just that… well… from what I gathered it seemed like, and do correct me if I’m wrong,” Fluttershy began, trying her best not be offensive, “but from what I could understand… isn’t your special talent… making fun of people?”
The smile of utter amusement on Jon’s face could only deepen at the incoming revelation of how she felt about him. He did not see this coming. Even though he knew his guest was a bit on the innocent side he had no idea she was this naive.
“I mean... I understand you’re a comedian... but every time I watch your show you just make mean jokes about other people,” Fluttershy explained as she nervously played with her hooves. “Sometimes you call them bad names... and other times you change your voice to sound like them... but you do it in hurtful way. And then there are times you send your friends to talk to them and they make other people look silly on TV... I’m sorry Jon but that’s just not very nice.”
“Um… okay, wait! Um… okay, I hear what you're saying… but we only do this in good fun!” Jon explained now in a forced nervous tone that was teetering on laughter. “At times it may seem like we’re picking on certain people or certain groups, but it’s how we like to deconstruct what’s happening in our world. It’s the essence of political satire.”
This did very little to reassure his guest. If anything, it caused her to look rather disappointed.
“Well now, I must admit I don’t know much about your world but I do know that what you just said is no excuse mister!” she said firmly though still in a low enough tone that Jon felt the need to lean in to hear her better. “I’ve only seen a few episodes of your show but you do this an awful lot. For example I… I seem to recall you pick on a poor little fox quite a lot.”
Everyone, including Jon, felt the need to laugh at her accusation.
“No, I make fun of the people who work at Fox,” Jon corrected. “And believe you me… the things they say… oh man are they a comedy goldmine.”
“That’s still no reason to say such hurtful things!” she maintained. “It’s like my mother always used to tell me when I was a little filly… if you don’t have anything nice to say…”
“Don’t say anything at all!” the audience said alongside the now more assertive Fluttershy.
“Really guys?” Jon asked as he turned to face the audience.
Always quick with a witty response was Jon Stewart, but in this case he turned to address those in attendance as an excuse to avoid Fluttershy’s gaze. Having one lecture him in such a way with a serious expression was something he was all too familiar with, unfortunately.
Much like in his childhood, Jon found it easy, and just as effective, to fall back on jesting his way through this back and forth. As much as he enjoyed this he found it somewhat difficult to penetrate the wall of logic that was being presented before him. If he had a nickel for every time he told that very same saying to his kids it would pale in comparison to the number of nickels he’d have for every time his mother had told him that.
Turning back to face his guest, Jon locked eyes with her, giving her a stern look.
“Oh!… Hey, come on now, w-why do I feel like I’m on trial here?!” Jon managed to say in a New York accent to try and deflect any seriousness on his part with a facetious attitude: a skill he mastered in middle school, but she was not having any of it. “Oh come on Fluttershy, don’t give me that look. Look, your friends have been on my show and they enjoyed themselves.”
“Yes… b-but seeing them on TV with you was incredibly nerve racking!” Fluttershy countered as she tilted her head forward like she was trying to hide her face behind her long mane. “I was terrified that you would make a joke at their expense… and hurt their feelings.”
“Rarity beat me at arm wrestling,” Jon responded in the bluntest tone he could muster. “I think they can handle themselves.”
“Oh, I know they can but still… I was so nervous for them,” she maintained with a worried look on her face, even though they weren’t the ones on TV at the moment. “They were all very excited to be on your program so I watched it for them… even though I don’t like TV and--”
“Wait, you don’t watch TV?” Jon interrupted. “Like… at all?”
“I’m sorry to say… n-no I don’t,” she answered. “I find it too scary.”
“Of course you do.” Jon chuckled. “Scary how?”
“Well, to be honest… back when I was a little filly… the first ever TV show I saw was horrible!” she said. “It was about a cute little mouse and kitty… but they spend the entire time trying to hurt each other! Sometimes the mouse would get the cat in trouble... and other times the cat would… w-w-would hit the poor little mouse with a weapon. Ever since I saw that I’ve tried to avoid watching TV again!”
It took Jon a second of thought to put two and two together.
“Tom and Jerry?!” he blurted. “You were traumatized as a kid by watching Tom and Jerry?!”
“I just… I just didn’t want to see cute little animals trying to hurt each other,” Fluttershy defended herself. Her logic was genuine enough that, had it come from anyone else, he would have assumed this was just a joke. But with Fluttershy he knew better. “I always wondered why they couldn't just be friends instead.”
“Okay I… wow.” Jon sighed as he slapped his forehead. “Okay um… okay, just continue with what you were saying… about watching your friends on TV.”
“Oh! R-right. Well, like I said… m-my friends were so excited to be on TV that I agreed to watch them… b-but… but every time the audience laughed at them I just... I almost couldn't take it,” she admitted. “And now that I’m on TV I certainly hope they’re not too worried about me now… oh dear, I certainly wouldn't want that.”
As much of a mother hen as she was, Jon found it admirable that she was so concerned for her friend’s well-being that even now their comfort was at the forefront of her mind.
“So… that’s why you didn’t want to be on my show all those other times,” Jon surmised as the wayward pony met his gaze. “Cause you were afraid I would make fun of you.”
Avoiding his gaze, she returned to nervously playing with her hooves across the table.
“I know it will sound… irrational…” she began after a quick sigh, “but I thought you would just spend the entire time telling hurtful jokes about me.”
“Oh Fluttershy honey no, no, no, no! That’s just not true at all! I would never do such a horrible thing to you,” Jon assured her as he visibly took his stack of blue note paper and not so stealthily swept it under his desk as the crowd chuckled. “I mean, it would be pretty dumb of me to make you look stupid on TV when you have a boyfriend as powerful as Discord.”
“Wha-- DISCORD’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!” Fluttershy roared, her voice carrying further than usual since her mic had been modified.
Between her uncharacteristic outburst and her look of absolute incredulity, the crowd couldn't help but laugh at the situation unfolding before them. Fluttershy though was much too distracted by Jon’s accusations to realize she was being tested… Jon wanted to see how far he could go with this.
“Fine, your very-special-somepony or… whatever it is you people call it,” Jon corrected himself with Fluttershy still looking flustered. “What? I mean, don’t you guys like… live together?”
“I… w-well yes we do b-b-but only sometimes!” she elaborated. “He has his own home but sometimes he likes to visit and I let him stay because we’re really good friends.”
“Now when you say… ‘really good friends,’” Jon insinuated which made his guest sport a shade of red across her face.
“O-oh my no! I… I didn’t mean it like that!” she maintained as she nervously played with her hair. “I-I mean, yes, w-w-we’re friends but… I don’t… oh dear… it’s… it’s not like we’re dating or, or, or anything like that! I could never!”
“You do realize the more you deny it the more likely you are to hurt Discord’s feelings or make him feel unwanted,” Jon pointed out, unsure if someone like him was even capable of emotions.
“Goodness you’re right!” Fluttershy realized as she turned sheepishly to where she believed one of the cameras would be. “Um… Discord… if you’re watching… um… I’m sorry.”
Some in the audience found her constant need to keep her friends in consideration adorable and cooed in response while the majority just found her tender side to be funny when juxtaposed with Jon’s playful manner. He never had a younger sister but he theorized that this would be how he’d pick on her.
Before Fluttershy could even think about the implications of why the crowd was laughing, Jon decided to swoop in to set things straight.
“Okay, see Fluttershy, this is what I was talking about before… I’m not-- see, I’m not trying to make you feel bad I’m just… lightly teasing you ‘cause I like you,” Jon explained as tactfully as possible. “We’re just poking fun… kinda like… l-l-like a roast.”
“A roast?” Fluttershy wondered aloud. “What’s that?”
“You don’t know what a roast is?!” Jon exclaimed with a smile as his guest shook her head. “Oh, it’s a fantastic event for us comedians! Basically you… basically what happens is a person goes on stage and is surrounded by numerous friends and colleagues who come to pay their respects.”
“Oh… that sounds wonderful,” Fluttershy commented.
“Let me finish,” Jon interjected much to the delight of the audience who giggled at where this was going. “So the person being roasted has all their friends on stage… and each of them… take turns telling insulting jokes at each other… the goal is to make fun of them in the funniest way possible.”
Whatever smile that was once on Fluttershy’s face had disappeared and her expression had shifted into that of terror, like a wild beast had just exploded its way into the room.
“That… that sounds awful!” she blurted as the mere thought made her shake in her seat.
“No, no, no it’s fun!” Jon assured her. “Best part is after each person is done insulting the person being roasted that person then gets to go up and make fun of each of his or her friends one by one.”
This was no where near Fluttershy’s idea of fun. The idea of being on any stage, regardless of the context, was a frightening enough thought, but to add to the mix close friends telling jokes about her sounded worse than anything she could imagine.
“That… that’s even worse!” she objected. “I... I would never do such a horrible... terrible... nasty thing to one of my friends! And they would never do such a thing to me! T-that... THAT is NOT what friends do to each other!”
“Yeahhh… that’s sorta why it’s only a comedian thing,” Jon conceded as he rubbed the back of his head. “For us it’s a great way to pay our respects to one of our buddies while at the same time trying out some new material… it’s killing two birds with one stone.”
Whatever tension was left was promptly shattered by the sound of Fluttershy gasping so loudly Jon lightly jumped in his seat. When he looked over at his guest she looked like she was about to cry.
“Wha... why would anypony do such a thing?!” she demanded to know, now almost hyperventilating.
“Huh… I… you mean the roast?” Jon asked.
“No… what you said… about the poor birdies,” she explained. “That’s such a horrible thing to do!”
“Oh… O-OH! That… you mean… no, no, no that was just an expression,” Jon finally realized. “We don’t… that is, we comedians don’t go around killing birds… except maybe Andy Dick.”
The sincerity in Jon’s voice was enough to convince Fluttershy that he was being truthful, though she was still visibly upset. Jon aimed to distract her by getting back on topic.
“But uh... going, uh, to get back to our previous topic... that is how comedians roast each other,” Jon reminded. “We do this not out of spite for each other but quite the opposite. It’s basically the… the embodiment of the phrase ‘we’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing with you.’”
Much like how Jon was caught in a moral dilemma, it was now Fluttershy’s turn to rethink her position. He was right, that certainly was a common saying that she had heard growing up from those who underestimated how sensitive she could be.
“So you see I… we only make those kinds of jokes with you because we care. Much like how I’ve… been sorta teasing you here today because I like you,” Jon said matter of factly, which got him an odd look in return. “I know, uh… I know it seems odd but… well the… the, the, the best way I can describe it is with a bit that George Carlin once said… he said… uh, uh, he said something along the lines of… friends will say ‘hello’ when they meet… but best friends are comfortable enough that they’ll say ‘hey asshole, how the fuck are ya you stupid goddamned mother fucker?!’”
The crowd laughed as to be expected, but a rather unnerved Fluttershy could only hold her hooves to her face in shock at how incredibly vulgar Jon was being.
“This… George Carlin… sounds like a potty mouth,” she commented, again earning her a light chuckling from everyone in sight.
“Oh, you have no idea. But this is how we comedians express ourselves. It’s as the saying goes ‘Many a true word is spoken in jest,’” Jon said. “It’s like… okay, it’s like on my show. I may make fun of people but believe it or not some of them are my friends and others… while I seriously don’t agree with… pretty much anything they say, I do respect them. But in your case, it’s both… for example…”
Just as he was about to speak, Jon was forced to pause, not just for the sound of the audience chuckling, but for the sight of Fluttershy curling up in her chair like she was awaiting a punch.
“For uh… for example… if I was at your roast I would...” Jon began, again finding he had to pause, this time entirely his own fault as he let loose a slight giggle at the idea of Fluttershy sitting in the middle of a stage being teased, “I would probably say something like… ‘boy that Fluttershy sure is nice! Why just the other day she let me borrow her lawnmower. Granted she didn’t really let me exactly, nor did I ask, nor do I have any intention or returning it, but either way she’s far too timid to stop me. What a great friend.’”
Even though Jon, just off the top of his head, had a dozen more offensive jokes he could have made (Fluttershy to him was as nice as she was an easy target), he decided to go easy on her and try a mild insult gag. She still looked devastated.
“I’m… not sure how I feel about this,” Fluttershy managed to say. “You complimented me but in a… in such a nasty way.”
“Well see, if there’s one thing comedians are good at… uh, it’s damning with faint praise. Yeah, comedians and Jew-- Oh my God especially Jews are the masters… of the backhanded compliment! If you think I’m bad you uh, you should hear my mom during Thanksgiving,” Jon said before clearing his throat in order to put on his best old, Jewish woman voice. “‘Oh, let me tell you something, my son is such a good boy. He always finds time call me every single day since he’s not that famous so he’s got loads of free time on his hands.’”
The crowd laughed but the guest of the evening still wasn’t seeing where he was coming from.
“Ahhhh… trust me, this is how people in my world treat each other,” Jon insisted. “Harsh on the surface, but underneath there’s love.”
“Well… a-alright then,” Fluttershy finally conceded as she rubbed the side of her face, still struggling to understand Jon’s brand of logic. “But still… I find it peculiar the way you treat your friends.”
“I find it odd that my lifestyle makes no sense to you yet you’re friends with The God of Chaos,” Jon scoffed playfully. “Speaking of friends and things that are odd… tell us a bit about your roomie Discord.”
“Now Jon, it’s not very nice to call someone names,” Fluttershy lectured even though she was almost certain that he meant nothing by it.
“I’m just teasing, I love that… whatever the hell he is,” Jon continued before being cut off.
“Draconequus,” Fluttershy said.
“Bless you?” Jon responded.
“Oh, no I was just… um, in terms of classification, Discord is a draconequus… which is a close cousin, species wise, to the adorable chimera,” Fluttershy explained. “These types of animals are known for having body parts belonging to other, more established creatures combined into a single host.”
“You must be fun at parties,” Jon commented back as the crowd chuckled.
“Oh, um… I don’t really go to parties,” Fluttershy said in a low tone with her ears bent back and tail between her legs. “I never know what to do.” Her shyness made the laughing quickly transition to slight cooing at how adorable she was.
“A-anyway,” Jon said, clearing his throat as he rubbed the front of his head, “so, yeah… uh, tell me about him- Discord, I mean.”
“Well, what would you like to know about him?” she asked.
“More than anything… I want you… what I want to know is how exactly… does… does someone like him end up being your friend?” he asked as he inched himself forward in his seat. “Explain, uh… explain how someone like him, who tried numerous times to overthrow Celestia and had to be imprisoned, ends up being in your care.”
“Okay... it all started when Celestia paid us a visit in Ponyville,” Fluttershy began.
“‘Us’ being you and your other Elements of Harmony friends?” Jon assumed.
“Yes. One day Princess Celestia came and brought with her Discord who was… well… he was still imprisoned in stone from the last time we had to… let’s say, put him in time out,” Fluttershy continued, her explanation resulting in many stifled giggles from the host. “Princess Celestia then informed us that we were to release Discord and she wanted me personally to try and convince him to join us and to end his evil ways.”
“So basically you’re Jodie Foster and Celestia just plopped Hannibal Lector right in your lap. You know, I’m tempted to point out… uh, how incredibly… silly this all sounds,” Jon interjected, making sure to pick his words carefully. “But, considering how it actually worked, I suppose I don’t have a leg to stand on here.”
“You’re not the only one who thought the idea was… as you say, silly,” Fluttershy acknowledged. “Even my own friends didn’t think it would work and tried to get me to agree to turn him back into stone… but I knew Discord could see the error of his ways.”
“You… seem to put an alarming amount of trust into someone who… from… from, from what I heard almost took over your world… and uh, and caused you to hate all your friends in the process,” Jon reminded, which caused his guest to lower her ears and look distraught. “I mean… personally if I was… uh, if I was on Facebook and a little message popped up saying he wanted to be my friend… I-I’d click ignore.”
“Discord… may have done… some very cruel and… and mean things in the past but… h-he’s good now, I promise!” Fluttershy proclaimed, trying to sound as confident as possible with Jon looking doubtful. “I know he may seem very scary but… once you get to know him you’ll find that deep down inside he’s a big ol’ softy.”
“Wow… you know what’s the biggest problem with this interview?” Jon asked.
“Oh, um… n-no?” Fluttershy answered.
“It’s that you are… so incredibly nice… a-a-and thoughtful that by comparison I’m going to look like a complete jackass,” he revealed, which made the crowd chuckle, only to laugh even harder when Fluttershy commented.
“Oh, well... I’m sorry,” she said. “If you want… I can try to be less nice so you’ll look better.”
Slapping his hand across his face to hide his smile, Jon wanted so much to take her up on her offer, but instead decided to get back to the topic at hand.
“Okay, you… okay, since you seem to really admire Discord, tell me,” Jon began, pausing for a brief second to think of what to say next. “What is… what would you say is Discord’s best quality… as a friend?”
“Goodness, there’s just so much I... I wouldn't know where to start. Well... for one, every time he comes over for a visit he gives me fresh baked muffins,” Fluttershy disclosed, unaware of the fact that he often stole them. “And he’s always trying to help me around the house... like the time I ran out of medicine for my animals and he was willing to walk all the way into the Everfree Forest to get me some more from Zecora.”
Those in the audience couldn't help but make “aww” noises at how touching her story sounded. Even Jon was forced to nod at how helpful he sounded, though he would’ve had a different opinion had he known that the reason Fluttershy’s medicine was out was because Discord ate them all at once to see what would happen.
“But… I think… one of the best things about Discord is how good of a listener he is,” Fluttershy decided. “We stay up late talking about oh so many things, but if I’m ever having a bad day he’s always willing to listen.”
Some in attendance were jealous of such an attribute in a friend.
“Is that right?” Jon chimed in. “What kind of problems does someone like Fluttershy face that she needs to vent to The God of Chaos and Evil?”
Ignoring what could be interpreted as an insult, Fluttershy cleared her throat and began cherry picking what issues she was willing to divulge on national television.
Had she more time to think, she probably would have only picked those that weren’t so personal, but since time was limited she picked the ones that first popped into her head.
“Well… there was the time my cutie mark got switched,” Fluttershy recounted.
“I’m sorry… did you say… your, your cutie mark got switched?” Jon echoed. “With what?”
“Another cutie mark,” Fluttershy answered with Jon giving her a look mixed with doubt and confusion. “Some time ago, a spell was cast upon me and my friends which caused our cutie marks to get… well, switched around.”
Her explanation was interesting enough for Jon to try and figure this little story out on his own, rather than letting her finish.
“Did that-- when that happened… uh, did your special talent… uh, g-get switched as well?” Jon asked as he motioned to her flank.
“Not exactly. At the time, I was given Pinkie Pie’s cutie mark, and I was... um, momentarily under the idea that I was a party planner like her,” she explained, the very idea causing her to shudder in disdain. “It was horrible… I tried my very best to please other ponies but I just couldn’t do it. It was so frustrating that… I almost left Ponyville forever.”
“That does sound horrible,” he agreed. “What kind of monster would cast a spell like that on you and your friends?” Something about the way he phrased his question caused Fluttershy to sport a shade of red across her face.
“Well… um… actually… it was Twilight,” Fluttershy mumbled.
“Excuse me?” Jon asked.
“I said… it was Twilight,” she said in a slightly louder, though still subtle tone. “Twilight was the one who… accidently put that spell on us.”
Tapping his fingers in quick succession against the table, Jon pouted his lower lip in thought as the crowd laughed at this bout of awkward silence.
“May I ask… why she did such a thing?” Jon finally said.
“Oh, um… she was testing out this new spell on The Elements of Harmony and, well… it ended up with her friends getting her other friend’s cutie marks,” she explained with Jon looking like he was about to laugh. “B-but it was an accident! A-and in the end she was the one who made everything better so… so… um… yeah.”
Years of hosting this show told Jon that this subject was causing her stress.
“Okay, well, um… what uh, w-w-what else do you tell Discord?” Jon interjected with Fluttershy looking somewhat confused about this sudden change of topic. “I mean… like we uh… like we were talking about before… what sort of things do you vent about to your friend Discord?”
Fluttershy’s ears perked up as she remembered about the original question that brought them to this point.
“Oh right! Um… well let’s see…” Fluttershy began before pausing a bit as she flapped her wings in thought. “There was… there was the one time I talked to Discord about the time I got turned into a vampire.”
“WHAT?!” Jon exclaimed, his reverie shattered. Unlike the usual pegasus reaction of flying off in shock, his outburst made the timid Fluttershy dive under the desk.
“P-p-p-p-please don’t shout.” Fluttershy’s voice could be heard from under the desk via the microphone.
“Oh, I… yeah, I’m sorry,” he apologized as Fluttershy slowly made her way back to her seat. “I’m just… I… you… you’re a vampire?”
“N-no of course not! I mean… well… not anymore,” she clarified while nervously playing with her mane. “At the time, I couldn't help myself, and it took all my friends to turn me back to normal… b-b-but I’m fine now! When I was a vampire I didn’t have any self-control but... as I’m sure you can see, I’m all better.”
“That’s exactly what a vampire would want me to think!” Jon countered.
“B-but I’m not!” Fluttershy maintained.
“Prove it! Tell me what happened in detail while… actually, just a moment,” Jon said as something clicked in his head. Before continuing, Jon scooted back and bent forward to stick his head between his legs, vanishing under his desk. To his delight, what he was looking for was still there. “Okay! Now, tell me what happened!”
Before she could, however, the loud sound of Jon slamming a gold plated crucifix on the table caused her to go silent for a second. Looking back, he was glad he forgot to put away his box of props.
Pausing for a moment, Fluttershy stared at the religious trinket. She could vaguely recall seeing something similar during one of the few episodes of The Daily Show she had watched, though what it was she didn’t know. She could guess it was a joke at her expense.
“What happened was… well, it’s kind of a long story,” Fluttershy finally answered. “This happened… some time ago, when vampire bats invaded Applejack’s apple trees.”
“Did… did one of them… bite you?” Jon asked. “Please tell me that’s how it works in your world ‘cause I’ve always wanted super powers.”
“Oh no, you’ve got it all wrong. Those innocent little bats would never harm anypony. All they eat is the juice from the fruit which they were doing in Applejack’s farm because they just needed nutrients to survive the upcoming winter and to produce milk for their babies,” Fluttershy rambled, looking pleased about getting the opportunity to explain the maternal instincts of animals. Her smile somewhat faded as she continued her story, however. “At least… that’s what I tried to tell my friends, but Applejack still wanted them to leave, so, in the end, we compromised and made it so the bats would go find other fruits to eat instead of Applejack’s harvest.”
“I see… hold on a sec,” Jon commented before ducking back under his desk, this time pulling out a wooden stake. “Okay… continue.”
The crowd laughed at the idea, giving Fluttershy no time whatsoever to comment.
“Okay… so an invasive force found its way into Ponyville; no surprise there,” Jon said. “How does this add up to you being turned into a vampire yourself?”
“Um… l-like I said, we had to get the bats to want to eat other types of food in order to get them to leave Sweet Apple Acres. To do so, we used a spell to change their palate,” she continued. “This spell however… accidentally transferred all their desire to suck apples into me… which turned me into… well, you know.”
Never before had Jon wished to hear a story lead where he thought this was leading.
“Out of curiosity,” he said with clasped hands like he was praying, “who was it… that cast this no-eating-apples spell on them?”
“It was…” Fluttershy began before a look of realization spread across her face. “Oh… um.”
“It was Twilight again, wasn’t it?” Jon said with hope.
“... Yes,” Fluttershy admitted after a pause where she played with her hair. “B-but again… it was just an accident.”
“You know… I uh… okay, so let me get this straight…” Jon interrupted with a look on his face like he was enjoying this more than he should. “She-- Twilight-- switches yours and all her friend’s cutie marks around and also turns you into a rampaging vampire.”
“When you put it that way, it sounds quite awful,” Fluttershy commented only to have Jon shoot her a look which begged her to answer. “B-but… you are right… but she didn't mean to! Honest! It was just an--”
“Accident, yeah, I know,” Jon interrupted, now moving in to lean over his desk a little bit. “Ya know… I-- between these two stories of yours I gotta ask… are you sure she’s not the master of chaos and not your buddy Discord?”
Such a question would have earned him a sound scolding from Fluttershy had her attempt not been foiled by the crowd bursting into hysterical laughter. Against her better judgement, she allowed this to slip by, but nevertheless expressed her disapproval by crossing her forelegs and pouting her lips slightly.
The more he thought about it, the more Jon began to hypothesize that the reason Discord was so keen to listen to Fluttershy’s trials and tribulations was because (as The God of Chaos) he secretly got off on hearing how she suffered on an almost weekly basis. But since the subject had drifted back to Discord, Jon felt it acceptable to ask her a question that had been bugging him for quite some time.
“Hey Fluttershy, let me ask you something,” Jon began, not waiting for her to respond. “I get that Celestia wanted to reform Discord which is why she sent him to you and your friends… ya know, since you’re The Elements of Harmony, but what I don’t get is why she chose you specifically.”
“I certainly can’t speak on behalf of Princess Celestia,” she acknowledged while avoiding eye contact, “but from what I understood she wanted me to help Discord because… well, I’m The Element of Kindness and because I’ve been told by some that I have a way with animals.”
“You know… again, as stu-- as unorthodox as it sounds to try to get an animal trainer to rehabilitate an evil god, this makes a surprising amount of sense,” Jon reasoned with his hand across his chin in thought. “I mean, Discord basically is a collection of animals Frankensteined into one creature.”
“I’m not sure what a Frankenstein is but I’m almost certain you’re teasing him,” Fluttershy said with a look that told Jon she was on to him.
“No, no, no it’s fine, trust me. He and I are good friends ‘cause we’re both Jewish,” he maintained as he comically pulled on his collar to let some steam out. “So uh… uh, uh, hey tell me… officially, what do you do for a living? Are you a full-time zoologist or do you go to school or like… yeah, what’s your deal?”
Pausing a moment to gather her thoughts, the timid creature cleared her throat after taking a sip of her water for the first time.
“Currently… I mean… technically speaking, I don’t have a job nor have I attended school since I was a filly,” Fluttershy explained. “I mostly live to take care of the animals around Ponyville whenever I can. This usually entails helping them find food for the winter, helping them build their homes… or helping them when they’re sick or injured.”
“If that’s the case how-- what do you do for money?” Jon asked. “I mean come on, a zoologist in a world ruled by animals… you should be rolling in cash.”
“Um, well… for money I… uh, at times other ponies will pay me to help them with animals in other towns or locally,” she said, her excitement getting more noticeable. “I sometimes get… sometimes ponies from universities or captivities will request that I come with them to observe animal’s migratory patterns or mating cycles and give my advice on dietary and housing measures when they ask.”
“Okay, calm down gorillas in the mist,” Jon said with only a handful of audience members getting the joke. “So basically what I’m hearing is… when it comes to animals you're a general consultant, then?”
“Yes, I suppose you could say that, but that’s not all I do. Sometimes ponies will have me look after their pets for them while they’re away and other times a zoo will have me take care of rare or endangered creatures for them while they work on their enclosures,” she continued. “I’ve also been hired to… help with misbehaving animals who are causing trouble and don't know any better.”
“You mean like with the vampire bats at Applejack’s farm?” Jon assumed.
“Yes, exactly,” Fluttershy responded, nodding.
“Be honest with me, Discord wasn’t even your hardest case, was it?” Jon asked. “I’m guessing at some point you were called upon to deal with a really angry squirrel or something.”
“I’ll be the first to admit that, yes, Discord can be quite a hoofful, but… you’re right,” Fluttershy conceded. “I have had jobs that were much more stressful.”
“What have been some of your more… let’s say… difficult cases?” he asked. “I mean… you know, involving animals. Share with us some of your experiences.”
To show that this was a good idea, the crowd lightly cheered for a few seconds, leaving Fluttershy little room to argue.
“Very well then, let’s see… One example which… my friends like to bring up every now and again is the dragon,” Fluttershy recalled, which made everyone listening perk up with interest.
“The dragon?” Jon asked. “You… you don’t mean Spike, do you?”
“Oh goodness no! Spike is always so well behaved… well… except that one time. A-anyway, as I was saying… a while ago my friends and I received instructions to relocate a dragon that was sleeping atop a mountain,” Fluttershy said, quickly changing the subject just as Jon was about to interject. “Usually dragons migrate and live in the high ranges like volcanoes and such towards the east, but in this case a rather slothish dragon decided to take up residence in a mountain close to Ponyville. This wouldn't have been a problem were it not for the fact that while he was sleeping he was polluting the sky with his snoring which created a constant stream of black smoke.”
“So what ended up happening?” Jon asked. “Did you guys get rid of him?”
“I um… I wouldn’t quite use the term ‘get rid of,’” Fluttershy replied.
“Okay… so what did you guys do?” Jon ventured further. “I’m guessing throwing out a dragon isn’t as simple as putting an eviction notice on his door.”
“My friends and I… we set out to confront the dragon. We packed our supplies and traveled up the mountain where we would try various methods to convince him to leave,” she explained. “I tried to tell them about how delicate the situation was but… well… he was causing a bit of trouble so my friends were… let’s say anxious to… as you say ‘deal with him.’”
Something about her story seemed awfully familiar from the start and as she continued to elaborate Jon was starting to see a pattern emerge.
“So you… you and uh, your friends, some of whom know magic, joined together on an adventure up a mountain to take out a dragon… atop a mountain… who presumably didn’t want to leave and was causing trouble for everyone else,” Jon summarized as Fluttershy nodded in agreement with statement after statement. “Tell me, Fluttershy, was-- did this dragon also happen to be guarding a large amount of treasure… mostly consisting of gold and jewels?”
The look of surprise that found its way onto Fluttershy’s face caused stifled giggles from the audience who by now knew where Jon was going with this.
“Why… why yes he did!” Fluttershy answered in surprise. “How did you know about that?”
“Lucky guess,” Jon shrugged. “Tell me… were you also accompanied by a wizard? Did you find a golden ring? Were you forced to ride down a river in a barrel? Was the dragon proclaiming himself ‘King of the Mountain?’”
The way Jon’s questions elicited nothing but a slew of laughter from the audience told Fluttershy that whatever he was talking about was something she wasn’t supposed to know about. This was indeed the case as each reference flew over her head.
“I’m sorry Mr. Stewart but… I’m afraid I don’t understand… what you’re implying,” Fluttershy admitted.
“I’m sorry hun, I’m uh… well, you see, your uh… your story is very reminiscent of a story here in our world called ‘The Hobbit,’” he named dropped which caused a larger than average reaction from the crowd in the form of hooting and cheering. “W-what they said… uuum… anyway uh, uh, as I was saying… in this story a group of heroes is tasked with a similar mission to yours. A dragon has invaded a uh… the mountain of a kingdom and they have to… also deal with him.”
“Goodness,” Fluttershy commented regarding the similarities to her own past, “how did these heroes get the dragon to leave?”
The question hung in the air just long enough for the audience to chuckle while Jon leaned back in thought. Of course he knew the answer, but even after knowing Fluttershy for only a few hours he knew how she’d react if he were to tell her the truth.
The way her innocent eyes glittered in the light of the still overly lit stage told Jon that, like Tom Cruise in the movie “A Few Good Men,” there was no way she could handle the truth.
“Uuuum… weeell… in the story The Hobbit… Bilbo Baggins- that’s the main character- he uh… he and his friends climbed the mountain where they eventually found the dragon whose name was Smaug,” Jon answered truthfully before pausing to select his next words carefully. “And then… Bilbo and his friends calmly explained to Smaug about how his actions were causing others discomfort and so they politely asked him to leave… w-which he did and afterwards everyone lived happily ever after.”
“Awww, what a nice story.” Fluttershy beamed as she flapped her wings with joy; her obliviousness a perfect fuel for the audience to roll out a stream of laughter to which she was also oblivious. “And what a happy coincidence, because that’s exactly what happened with the dragon that we had to relocate.”
The laughter then stopped as the crowd, as well as Jon, could only stare in disbelief with mouths agape.
“Wait, what?” Jon asked as he leaned in and cocked his head so his good ear was facing his guest. “Run that by me one more time.”
“Oh, um… I was… I was just saying how, um… how the story you mentioned with that Hobbit fellow was just like mine,” Fluttershy explained. “After my friend’s failed attempts to remove the dragon, I carefully, though firmly, explained to him how his actions were causing others discomfort. We soon reached an understanding and afterwards he was more than willing to find a new home.”
Jon turned to give his audience a hand gesture that demonstrated he had nothing left to say while they laughed at how his joking had set the stage but Fluttershy had taken things to another level.
“You’ve got to be kidding! I was just joking by… I was just joking by trying to come up with the cheesiest scenario possible!” Jon admitted with a face of disbelief like at any moment Fluttershy would reveal that she was also joking. But no such revelation would happen. “And now you’re telling me that you… that’s actually how you dealt with your dragon problem?”
“Wait… you were only kidding? So sitting down and talking isn’t how Mr. Baggins and the dragon resolved their issues?” Fluttershy asked, taking away from Jon’s mini-rant that the story he had fed her was but a ruse. The look on Jon’s face, looking like he was just caught sticking his hand in the cookie jar, all but told Fluttershy that this was the case. “So then… how did he and his friends get Mr. Smaug to leave?”
“Well Fluttershy… I’ll tell you how he didn’t do it,” Jon began, once again finding himself in a position where he was debating whether or not to be honest. “He didn’t fire an arrow that killed him by hitting him right in his weak spot Death Star-style.” It was then that Jon discovered that as well as being kind his guest was also a bit gullible.
“Oh, well… that’s certainly a relief to hear.” Fluttershy sighed calmly with the false knowledge that no one in the story got hurt. However, there was still a part of Jon that believed she might wise up any second, so he decided to try and shift the conversation slightly but stay within the range of the topic.
“So… who-- what other cases have you had involving hard-to-deal-with animals?” he directed her, confident nothing would top her defeat over a dragon. “What’s your most recent case?” Jon strategically phrased the question so she wouldn't have to think too long about a story worthy enough to tell.
“Well, recently I was called upon by a pet shop over in Canterlot,” Fluttershy began, finding it easy to recall such a story with the parameters already set in place. “This store was having problems with shoplifters for the past couple of months.”
The way she told her story intrigued Jon enough that he momentarily forgot about how little time they had left. A case of shoplifting that involved animals? This he had to hear.
“That is, this store was victim to some ponies… taking items without paying, and the pet shop was losing money. To prevent this, they invested in some security scanners and soon the thefts stopped,” Fluttershy explained as best she could. “However, afterwards the shoplifting started again. For months whenever some ponies left the store the security scanner would let out a beeping noise, indicating that an item was stolen… but every time they checked the items they left with their receipt showed that they were paid for.”
These were the kinds of stories that Jon, and the audience as well, loved since they knew that all this set-up was leading to something big.
“After a while, the store owners assumed that the scanners were broken, so they spent quite a lot of bits to repair them… but they still went off on ponies who paid for their things. So then they spent money on buying newer models that were more expensive than the last ones... but they still went off,” she continued as those in attendance leaned in with curious faces. “So then they spent even more money repairing the new ones, but they still made the beeping noise on innocent ponies… that’s when they called me.”
“I don’t understand,” Jon said, “why would they need your help for something that’s obviously a maintenance issue?”
“Well you see… they um… they called me because they found out that the scanners weren’t broken after all. It turns out that the pet shop had a parrot sanctuary in the front of the store,” she revealed, “and… well… for a while whenever a pony walked out of the store one particularly naughty parrot would mimic the sound of the scanner’s alert noise… he had been doing this for months and no pony noticed.”
Usually this would be the part where Jon would ask a follow-up question like “How did they eventually figure it out?” or something else like “Where is the parrot now?” but after Fluttershy finished her story Jon couldn’t help but slowly clap as he turned in his seat and bellowed with laughter.
The audience joined him, as well as so many others watching from home. The story was so believable that anyone could picture it happening. After the laughter had somewhat subsided, Fluttershy, in rare form, decided to take charge by continuing her anecdote.
“A-anyway… they called me because they wanted me to try and recondition the little guy so he wouldn’t make any more noises except when spoken too,” Fluttershy added as Jon finished up a last second bout of laughter. “I was this close to getting him trained, but the shopkeeper felt that I was taking too long, so, in the end, he gave the parrot to me to take home. He didn’t want the poor thing in his shop anymore.”
“Hey, at… at least you got a free bird out of the deal!” Jon teased with a smile so large you could see the remnants of his last meal in his teeth. “So do uh… d-do you still have him? The parrot, I mean.”
“Oh yes indeed! He lives with me now at my home where he loves to play with some of my other feathered friends,” she answered as she tilted her head in somewhat of a hesitative state.
“However, I… that is… I never did finish his training to speak only when spoken too… so… whenever anypony leaves my cottage… he’ll still make that beeping noise.”
“You haven’t… like, you haven’t broken this habit of his yet?” Jon asked.
“No, not yet, I’ve tried but the thing is,” she answered before pausing, “this parrot... has a bit of a learning problem.”
“Oh, well, do tell,” he encouraged as he leaned in and jokingly placed both hands under his chin in a dreamy stance.
“I tried to get him to stop by punishing him every time he squawked when someone left or entered my home. What I would do was… well, what I did was very simple-- after I calmly asked him to stop, I came up with a regiment where every time he made that beeping noise when somepony left I would firmly, though not hard enough to hurt him, boop him on the beak, call him a bad bird, then place him in the timeout box,” she explained. “It didn’t stick at first. I ended up having to lightly tap his beak and place him in the box oh so many times. Eventually he did learn… though not in the way I would have liked.”
“What do you mean?” Jon asked. “If he learned not to make that annoying sound what’s the problem?”
“Well, see, that’s just the thing… he didn’t stop. He did learn, but he ended up… well, learning the entirely wrong thing,” she continued with Jon shooting her a confused look. “One day I had Twilight over for tea, and when she left… as you can guess, my parrot friend made the beeping noise, but when I turned around, ready to punish him… he did something… quite different than usual.”
“Okay, I’ll bite… what did he do?” Jon asked.
“The thing is… when I got close to him, he raised his wing… slapped himself on the beak… called himself a bad bird... then flew off to the time-out box without me having to take him there. He even went so far as closing the box’s lid on himself,” she answered as Jon slapped himself in the face, his smile still clear. “He didn’t learn not to make the noise, he just learned what to do afterwards… I’ve honestly never seen anything like it.”
The crowd laughed once more but this time Jon held back and instead reached over to grab his guest’s hoof for a shake while he pointed to where he knew one of the cameras was.
“Fluttershy, I would love it if you would stay a little while longer and tell us more stories about animals you’ve helped over the years,” Jon announced over the audience’s continued laughter. “Would you mind staying for another five minutes and we’ll throw the rest up on the web?”
“Oh well um… s-sure I suppose I could um… stay,” Fluttershy squeaked. “I mean… if you really want me to, that is.”
“Of course, it’ll be fun! Stick around, we’ll be back after a commercial,” Jon advised as he turned to face the camera. “Fluttershy everyone! We’ll be right back!”
The crowd stood on their feet in the only instance they were allowed to in order to cheer and applaud as loudly as they could. This made the guest of the night tense up from such a high barrage of volume, but since she had endured their snickering and applauding for the past however many minutes she’d been onstage she was slightly less affected.
To help her ease into the online segment, Jon leaned over and whispered something into her ear as the camera took its usual route. From there it flew backwards, over the audience, and up into the sky where it would soon meet The Daily Show logo gliding on screen and promptly vanishing, transitioning the show into darkness and then into another commercial break.