“Sorry Apple Bloom, duty calls!” You flick Apple Bloom away and start to munch on the apples, grabbing them by the handful and stuffing them into your mouth. So many apples, so much mulch! Juice dribbles down your chin as your jaws agonisingly munch through them, cores and all.
Applejack stands agape at your skills. “Ah’ve never seen such a display o’ skill and bravery!” she gasps, placing a hoof on her head as she swoops before you. “Have ah met mah perfect man?”
Hearing this spurs you on. Your throat starts to sting from all the acrid apple juice, your stomach curdles as it fills with apples, but finally you emerge victorious, and with a flourish you swallow the last core whole. “How’s that!” you croak weakly.
“Marry me!” Applejack leaps into your arms, planting a big kiss on your lips. You can only nod with a slight gurgle as a dribble of apple falls from your lips.
The next few days are spent in a whirlwind of visiting Applejack’s extended family. Surprisingly, she seems to have already got a tuxedo for you all sorted out, a dress for herself, and even pre-booked the church, even before she met you! Inwardly you praise your good luck, as on a beautiful summers day, you are married.
Applejack stands at the altar, the entire Apple family watching on and clapping as she stares into your eyes. “An’ now…” she smiles coyly. “Now y’all can take on the duties of mah husband. If yah know what ah mean!”
“Oh I do!” you rub your hands together in eager anticipation. “I can’t wait to get started!”
“Good!” You stumble as Big Mac rises up behind you and thumps a heavy wooden horse collar round your neck. Applejack smiles sweetly as she fixes some chains to the collar which lead to a large plough. “Now we can live in luxury while you tend to the farm. You don’t mind sleepin’ in the barn do you?”
“But.. but… I thought…” you struggle to stand due to the weight of the farm equipment as you gulp in panic, seeing the entire Apple family clan looking expectantly at you. “Y-yes!” you reply finally. “Yes, this is exactly what I thought would happen!”
Over the next few years, you discover that kicking apple trees to dislodge apples is actually really really painful.
Read more stories by Blueshift