Room for Rent: A Very Pinkie Christmas

by Drax99

Finale

I walked for what seemed like hours across that desolate field. Rocks, dust, the occasional dead tree, and look, more rocks! There was nothing but shades of grey, and not the kinky, sexy Shades of Grey either. Just boring, depressing grey. Grey clouds, grey ground, grey rocks. You get the idea.

I never seemed to feel cold or hot, my feet never hurt, surprising since I had no shoes, and was wearing only my pajamas. Even when a wind started to blow across the plain, I barely felt it. It was like purgatory. A limbo that never ended, but only existed. Damn it was boring as hell.

It was long after I stopped paying attention to where I was going that I managed to finally find some manner of break in the tedium by stubbing my toe against a random rock.

“Ow! Dammit, stupid fuckin rock!” Angrily, and not quite thinking straight, I managed to kick the rock. “Aaah! Dammit, piss...” Lets just say I cussed alot. While it hurt like hell, a small part of me was relieved to actually feel something. I sat down and glared at the offending rubble as I nursed my sore foot. I’m not quite sure how long that was, since time apparently had snuck out for a smoke break and forgot to clock back in. Finally I heard a throat being cleared behind me.

“You know, it’s just a rock, right? Glaring at it won't help.” The voice was familiar, yet wrong. It was the same high pitched voice of Pinkie Pie, and yet spoke with the dull monotone and slow cadence of her sister, Maud.  Sure enough, when I turned around, I saw Pinkie, and yet she was also looking off character. Her hair was straight and limp, like her sister, but far longer, and her color seemed dulled and darkened. Or maybe it was just the dull grey light that seemed to drip from the sky like a sluggish rain.

“Well it’s about time you showed up, Pinkie. I...”

“Pinkamina.” she replied, interrupting me.

“What?” Blinking in confusion, I just stared.

“My name is Pinkamina. I am the third and final spirit of Pinkie. I am the omega, the end, the unwritten future that will come if the present goes unchanged. I am apathy. I am entropy. I am overly dramatic.” She pauses for a moment, face totally blank, as she stares unblinkingly at me. I wasn't entirely sure how to respond, to be honest. After what felt like several minutes, she blinks. “That was a joke.” The same deadpan monotone forces any semblance of humor into a lifeless anecdote.

“Ooooh-kay. I take it I am still dreaming this shit, and that I have no choice but to play along. You are some sorta future-emo Pinkie, here to show me what horrible future awaits if I do not embrace the spirit of Christmas and blah, blah, whatever.” I rolled my eyes. Too many christmas specials and other holiday ripoffs had left me inured against such drivel.

“Yes.” a single word, without inflection or emotion was all I got. Again the dead, unblinking stare that reminded me of Maud Pie and her perpetual lack of emotion.

“Yes, and?” I prompted, getting a bonus blink for my trouble. Woot!

“And I am here to show you what happens if you choose to continue on your path, rejecting Pinkie and the holiday spirit. A bleak and lonely future.” Another blink as she intoned my fate.

“Can we just skip to my tombstone? Oooh, I die alone and unloved, blah blah. I have some serious sleep to catch up on before I can put this bullshit pageant behind me and continue not caring about this bullshit holiday.” I grumbled, crossing my arms in frustration.

Again the slow blink, and then she turned away from me. “The tombstones will come later. Be not so eager to seek death. Come, we have things to see.” And with that she started walking away. I shrugged, rolling my eyes again as I followed her.

Suddenly, in a way that only dreams can do, I was back in the old farm house. Before me was the three ponies I had seen, all hugging a crying Pinkie Pie. She looked like the spectre that was currently guiding me, with straight hair and faded coat, but was showing a depth of emotion absent from my tormentor, who stood in the doorway as I watched. The Pinkie before me cried loudly, sobbing and sniffling as her sisters tried to comfort her. A dilapidated cake lay on the table, a slice taken, but untouched on a plate beside it. I looked round to see halfhearted decorations hanging limply from the walls as the candles guttered atop the wounded cake.

“A time of joy, her sisters’ birthday. Forever tainted by your rejection.” Pinkamina intoned slowly from the doorway. “One holiday ruined will destroy another, as she associates the two. So in rejecting Christmas, you crush not only her heart, but the hearts of those around her.”

“Meh, not my fault. I let her celebrate Christmas. I just asked her to leave me out of it.” I shrugged, turning away from the heartbreaking scene. For a moment though, Maud’s eyes met mine, and a small head shake of disapproval made me feel cold inside. Then her eyes went back to her sister, and the scene was nothing more than an imaginary scenario.

“Are you really so selfish as to not care about those around you? A joy shared is a joy multiplied. But come, there is more to see.” Turning away, she walked through the door. As I stepped to follow, I felt the world around me warp and bend like a funhouse mirror. The doorway became a hallway, and stretched into the distance. After walking a few feet, the hallway collapsed and came back into focus, appearing as a hospital hall, with doors on either side. There were elderly people randomly sitting on wheelchairs, and a constant beeping like an alarm was going off somewhere. The dead eyes and vacant stares of the patients were unnerving as they seemed to each be trapped in their own world. The dark pink mare stopped before an open door, glancing dispassionately at me before stepping inside.

I followed, seeing my mother sitting in a chair beside a bed. My breath stopped as I realized that my father lay under the sheets, the once powerful and muscular body now frail and wasted. My mother sat holding his hand as tears made their way down her face.

“What the fuck, Pinkie?”

“Pinkamina.”

“Whatever. Why are you showing me this?” I yelled.

In answer, she just pointed at the bed.

“He’s not coming, is he?” My dad managed to breathe, his voice barely a whisper.

“Naw love, he says he’s still cross wit us fo makin him go to dat christmas pageant. He dun want none of Christmas.” Shaking her head, my mother wiped away her tears and put on a brave face.

“Too bad. He’s gonna miss my best performance. I’m gonna look death in the eye and tell him to get fucked.” My dad’s words ended in a wet cough, and my mom got up to help him.

That's when I looked around and saw the room was decorated for the holiday, just as their house had been. My chest felt hollow as I put it together and realized that my stubbornness would cost me the last moments of my father’s life.

“I’m leaving. I’m done with this shit, and I want to go home now.” I turned to leave, and found the depressing pink pony was standing behind me.

“Oh we can’t leave yet. Didn't you want to see the gravestone?” A sickly smile appeared on her face, slowly growing in size. It spread across her face like a disease, and soon took on the appearance of a cheshire cat.

I took a step back, nearly tripping over something. Spinning around, I saw that there was indeed a gravestone behind me, and that were once again in the stony field. A spark of anger ignited, and I spun around to face my tormentor.

“I said I was done with this shit. It’s over. I don’t want to see my fuckin grave, and it’s not going to make me have a change of heart. Everybody fucking dies. Knowing when and where I die won't matter two shits.” I made to step around her, only for the pink pest to appear in my path again.

“Do you really think this is about you, after all that you have seen? Perhaps you haven't seen enough then.” Pointing a hoof at the gravestone, she kept on grinning, a manic gleam in her eye.

“Fine. Fuckit. I’ll look, but then you are taking me back to my room so I can get some fucking sleep.” I shoved my hands into the pockets of my pajama pants and turned around.

I stomped around the headstone, now in a graveyard under a tree, in the manner of dreams. I didn't question the change of scenery, but looked down at the chunk of carved rock with all the malice I could muster. This was it. This was the moment I saw the evidence of my death and had my heart changing revelation. I would finally break and embrace the bullshit message of a fake holiday, and forever change my life.

I looked down, and I did indeed break. I broke, because it wasn't my gravestone I was looking at. It was Pinkie’s.

“No.” I breathed. It was supposed to be my grave. My heart, my lesson, my death.

“Yes.” Intoning the word, the newest apparition’s voice hit me like a physical blow, causing me to flinch. “Without your love and friendship, she drifted farther away from you and her friends. She became more withdrawn. Finally, one day she gave up. She tried again to throw one last party.” Leaning over the gravestone, where I had dropped to my knees, the straight haired pony glared at me, still as dispassionate, yet somehow far more sinister. “Only this time, her Ponyville friends were too far away to find her in time.”

I woke up, and I was crying. I don't exactly know why, but I was sobbing uncontrollably. After a few moments, I calmed down and looked at the clock. It was four AM, and dawn was fast approaching. I had very little time. I had some calls to make.

A few hours later, I had everything in place, just as Pinkie came yawning into the living room. She was rubbing her eyes and smacking her lips as she walked in, blinking in confusion. I was sitting on the couch, wearing a Santa suit, and sipping on some coffee. On my face was a massive grin.

“Merry Christmas!” I belted out, sounding in my ears like a cheezy department store Santa.

“L-louis? Have you been drinking again?” She stopped to peer at me accusingly.

“Only a little in the morning coffee. Are you ready for an awesome day?” I grinned.

“But I thought you hated Christmas?” she blinked at me in confusion, before her eyes went wide, and a huge grin appeared on her face. “Oh! Is this one of those Christmas Miracles I hear about in all the stories?”

“Meh, something like that. Let’s just say, I decided that if my friends like something, I don't need to be such a dick about not liking it.” I replied dryly, shrugging.

“Oh boy! That's awesome!” She bounced in place, before stopping and deflating a bit. “I just wish my friends were all here to enjoy it with me.”

At those words, my grin grew three sizes, and I hit send on the cell phone I had hidden in my lap. With a bright magenta flash, a group of ponies appeared in the room, blinking dazedly from the teleport.

“Merry Christmas, Pinkie Pie!” They all yelled in unison, as they all caught sight of the stunned party pony before them.

“Wait, what? How? Who? Maud?” Pinkie sputtered, and twitched as her brain broke. All three of her sisters, and all five of her friends, including a very exhausted looking purple princess cheered and rushed forward to embrace her.

“Turns out having a princess on speed dial comes in handy. Also, your sister has her own connections, apparently.” I smugged, standing up and sipping my coffee.

“Yea, he called me early in the morning, and asked me to get everypony together. I told him he was insane if he thought I could pull something off in an hour.” Twilight rolled her eyes, grinning at me. “Then he reminded me about a certain spell I once tried, and he had me send a message back in time to Princess Celestia. I teleported here just as everypony else was arriving, having gotten the message a week ago.”

“Yep, and we kept our traps shut the whole time, so as ta not make a pair of ducks, err somethin.” Applejack spoke up.

“It was some super cool spy stuff, zipping around finding everypony in time. We had to be all ‘Come with me if you want to party’!” Rainbow Dash jumped in, with the worse Eliminator voice I had ever heard.

“So, everypony came to see me, and Louis did it all? For me?” Pinkie gasped, still in shock.

“I even got a birthday cake delivered for your sisters.” I pointed to where Maud was uncovering a cake on a tray. “And shame on you for missing your sisters’ birthday, even for something as awesome as Christmas!” I chastised.

“Ohmygosh! I am such a horrible sister! I was so excited to celebrate a new holiday, and I forgot about the twins!” Pinkie seemed to melt into a pouting, quiver-lipped mess. I nodded toward the Pie sisters, and they all charged forward to hug and forgive.

“We forgive you, Sis! We know how you get when you are planning a new party.” Both twins said in unison, which is even creepier in real life than it is in the movies. Maud just nodded, and did her little smile-thing.

Blinking away tears of joy, Pinkie looked over at me as her friends smiled on at the happy display of sisterly love. “But Louis, I don't get it. I thought you hated Christmas?”

I sighed, and kneeled down before my roommate. “Pinkie, I don't hate Christmas. In fact, the problem may be that I love Christmas too much. I learned the original meaning of the holiday, and fell so deeply in love with it, that it became painful to see what it had become. I was so blinded by what I wanted it to be, that I forgot that Christmas means something special to everybody. I had to remember to respect that, and stop being such a self righteous prick.” I leaned forward and gave a brief hug.

“Can you forgive me?” I whispered into her ear.

“I will always forgive you Louis. Even when you are a self righteous prick, you’re MY self righteous prick.” She giggled.

“Thanks Pinkie.” I whispered back. “Oh, and can you please not grope me in front of your friends?”

“Oops! My bad!” She pulled away, blushing.

Suddenly there was a knock, and the doorbell went off at the same time. Everyone in the room turned to the sound of the noise, and I stood up to check it.

“Who the hell is that? All the deliveries arrived half an hour ago!” I stomped over to the front door, pausing before opening it. I could hear voices from the other side, and they sounded very familiar.

“I don't give a shit what he says this year. We are celebrating Christmas, and that's final! It may be his house now, but it used to be ours and...” My father stopped in mid-rant as I yanked the door open, and my parents took in the sight of their son in a Santa suit. “Oh dammit, did we get the wrong house?”

“Merry Christmas, dad. Merry Christmas, mom.” I grinned at them, getting an even more startled look. “What bring you two to town?

Suddenly Pinkie pushed her head around me, seeing who was at the door. “Oh horseapples! Don't you hate it when you get somepony the same gift they got you?”