A Troll Through the Park

by Spanner

Chapter 13 (Part Two): Unreason

Shadow finished adjusting the ropes and tying his prisoner to the chair, before standing back to admire his hoofwork. The lighting in the room was brought down to a suitably dismal level with only a low table separating him from the meticulously bound pony. The single light over his shoulder focused on the suspect's face for maximum effect.

His bounty slowly awoke with a flutter of her eyelids. Shadow Wisp found it odd that Pinkie was staring straight at the bright light, barely blinking.

He cleared his throat, ready to begin. “Here’s how this is going to work—”

Pinkie waved a hoof in the air, an ear splitting smile taking up her face. “Wait, don’t tell me. This is like one of my favorite games!”

Shadow blinked a few times, only to find that Pinkie’s hoof was again tied behind the chair. “Really? You like being interrogated?” He asked while inspecting the knots behind his quarry. They seemed secure, but he added another binding for good measure.

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “You get to ask me questions and I get to be tied to a piece of furniture. What isn’t fun about that? I’ve interrogated one of my friends once, and Twilight has interrogated me before.” Pinkie smiled deviously. “You must really like me if you want to play one of my favorite games!”

“Right— I mean, no I don’t!”

She’s supposed to be afraid, intimidated, angry at the very least. She has to be doing this on purpose to psyche me out. He thought.

“Oh, so now you’re playing hard to get?” Pinkie smiled coyly. “I guess I’ll have to be difficult, then. I’ll never tell you anything. You can’t get me to talk, because you can’t handle the truth! As long as I live you will not break me for I am—”

“Shut up!” bellowed Shadow Wisp. “Just answer my questions!”

“But you didn’t ask any questions,” she replied. “How am I supposed to—”

“Shut up!” he bellowed again.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your dramatic moment,” Pinkie said.

“Don’t apologize! I’m interrogating you.”

“Sorry.”

Silence reigned for a moment. After some hard breathing in the confines of a dark corner of the room, Shadow Wisp leaned forward so only the tip of his muzzle was visible in the light of the desk lamp. “Now, who do you work for?”

Not batting an eye, Pinkie replied, “That’s easy! Pinkie Pie don’t work for nopony! When you enjoy what you do, it’s never work. I throw parties and make everypony smile!”

“I’m sure grins and balloons just rake in the bits, don’t they?” Shadow slammed his hooves on the table. “What’s your real job? You can’t expect me to believe you get paid for making smiles.”

“Sadly, no.” Pinkie sighed and  blew a lock of her hair to the side of her brow. “My real job is working at a bakery. Sometimes I even babysit the twins for the Cakes. Mrs. Cake taught me how to bake and Mr. Cake taught me how to handle the store.” Pinkie Pie smiled broadly. “I got my food handler’s permit thanks to both of them.”

Luna help us, this girl is allowed to serve food! Shadow started pacing in front of his captive audience. His questions weren’t getting him anywhere other than tied knots of insanity.

This bakery job is obviously a cover for her work as Luna’s agent. It’s time to cut to the chase.

“If baking is your real profession, then what are you doing with this?!” Shadow flung an odd item onto the table, which slid to a halt just in front of Pinkie.

“Oh, hi Garry!” Pinkie waved her hoof in greeting.

“Who’s Garry?!” Shadow darted his head around the room to subdue this “Garry” character, whoever they may be. He also went to the back of the chair tightened Pinkie’s bonds once her foreleg was back behind the chair, added yet another layer of ropes, and pulled out a lighter to melt the ends together.

“Garry’s the best. He’s my night vision goggles,” Pinkie replied in a chipper tone. “You're not jealous of Garry, are you? He is the best, but he’s not a nice colt like you.”

There were no words. Shadow’s jaw just opened and closed silently. He could feel his mind and his mane unraveling by every passing moment.

She must have been trained by a master in anti-interrogation techniques! She just says these things, and then I feel like tearing my brain out! I have to finish this, and soon!

Shadow focused on the mild pain of pulling on his mane with his magic as he asked, “And what do you need night vision goggles for?”

“Duh, I need them to see in the dark!” Pinkie Pie giggled. “You’re not very good at this game, are you?”

“I know how they work you insane, little, pink— ugh!” Shadow successfully halted a fit of hyperventilation with a little breathing exercise. “What I want to know is why you have them!”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “I told you already, silly. To see in the dark. Duh!” The baker giggled. “Are you sure you’ve played this game before? The anguished screaming in mindless rage is a good touch, though.”

There was an abrupt ripping sound, followed by a tuft of black hair falling to the floor. “Alright, you asked for this. It’s time for enhanced interrogation techniques!”

Pinkie frowned. “Is that like the enhanced quiet game? I’m not very good at that one and duck tape hurts when you pull it off your beak.”

Celestia had certainly been attempting to stick to a strict schedule as of late. Moving the sun in and of itself wasn’t that difficult. Not after a bit of practice and the use of raw alicorn magic. What did make things frustrating was the lack of concrete vectors or orbital paths within Celestia’s notes. Sure there was the bare minimum to keep things going, but that didn’t stop her from slipping in pieces of parchment between almost every page with suggestions. Celestia forbid anypony write in the margins, lest she actually make it against the law.

Not that anypony would have noticed that the sun had been rising and falling a few minutes away from an ideal 23 hours and 56 minutes. It wasn’t her fault that measuring the variance of a G2V type star could be thrown off by imperfections in her pinhole projector. Nor would they appreciate the difficulty in keeping the sun from listing a few planet widths from the acceptable range for this time of the month. Proper orbital inclination practically left her grinding her teeth.

No, nopony had a clue about such difficulties except The Princess of The Sun herself; specifically the one who was now inhabiting her body.

Today, was different. Today the sun crept over the horizon in the East, jerked violently North, then stopped largely off course.

Happiness was up by 3.6 percent across Equestria. Some of the nobles may have asked how Celestia quantified happiness into a percentage? That is, if they hadn’t already asked her last Tuesday. That, and the fact that they were terrified she would throw the sun at them again, which was a ridiculous notion. Had the sun actually gotten closer to the planet the land would have been on fire and the ponies would have been incinerated in a horrible fiery blaze. Last time she checked out her balcony window, nopony was screaming in unimaginable pain or showing signs of radiation induced combustion.

As for why ponies would be happier today? It turns out that witnessing (and more importantly surviving) potentially cataclysmic events is a great motivator for loved ones to get together. Complete strangers started kissing and hugging spontaneously, couples proposed to ponies in the street, and nobles promised to donate wide sums of money to charity if they could be spared. Well, one noble did. Then he went back to St. Hoover’s Hospital and begged for it back with no success.

Right now, Celestia was occupied by more pressing matters than giant out-of-control balls of destructive gas undergoing the proton cycle.

When she awoke, she found herself surrounded by dark robed figures, upon a cold stone slab, which was assuredly some sort of sacrificial pedestal. Every self respecting cultist temple had such installations. One of the aforementioned dark robed figures stepped forward and pulled its hood back to reveal a unicorn mare with a red and black mane. The diabolical mare lit her horn and she slowly levitated what would soon be the device of Darning Do’s undoing...

Really A.K. Yearling? Her un-do-ing?

Her Highness continued reading, although the incessant shuffles from the corners of the room were getting exceedingly hard to ignore. After each turn of the page, the scuffles were slowly cutting into her patience like a bad papercut. Not that Celestia had gotten a papercut since she was very small. After all, she wasn’t a reading ‘noob,’ as the fillies and colts say.

...Soon two long purple and white striped tubes of cloth floated towards Daring Do. From the color and intricate pattern, they were unmistakably knitted with the most vile intent imaginable. She tried kicking her hooves but they were quickly held down by the other cloaked ponies as the insidious devices grew closer, and closer...

Celestia looked away from the novelet, rolling her eyes. Wow, this one was a lot scarier when I was a filly.

She didn’t understand. What was the big deal with putting socks on ponies anyways? Even if they are mind controlling knee socks.

Twilight knew that there was no way any of Daring Do’s adventures were real, but this was just ridiculous. Daring Doo and the Tube Sock Cultists was always one of the weakest books in the series after all.

She would have preferred planning ways to stop General Double. That is, if she was allowed to do anything. They would only let her read fiction, not even the encyclopedia for pony’s sake! For the first time since this fiasco started, she was bored.

Twilight ignited her horn to skip to the part where Daring Do inevitably escapes and uses the tube socks to zipline back to the camp below the ruins. However, she couldn’t ignore the ponies in armor lighting their horns from across her chambers.

“Do you two have to do that every, single, time I use magic?” She glared harshly at a pony named Blind Watch then turned and rolled her eyes at Sun Singer. They both had the appearance of a regular Celestial Guard, but she knew their allegiance was not to her.

She recalled the cause of the sun’s detour that morning...

Celestia’s body spilled over the edge of her luxurious bed with an exhausted groan. It was time to get up and raise the sun... again. As she lay with her head against the cold stone she attempted to rally the motivation to get up. The only thing that made it worth lifting a hoof was basking in the sun’s power. Solar magic had replaced the warmth of the triple shot cup of joe she used to partake in every morning.

It didn't take long to learn that it took about ten cups of coffee to get even the slightest energy buzz from her new body. In order to prevent a huge shift in caffeine stocks and massive stomach aches, The Princess had given up coffee only a day after picking it up after more than one thousand years.

With the comforter blanket still tangled around her barrel, she reached out to the cosmos. She barely got a sip of solar power, before she was tackled to the floor by two metal clad buffoons.

It took a moment to cancel her hold upon the sun. She blinked at the scene outside then glared at the General’s two servants.

“What the hay where you two thinking?”

They didn’t budge. “We were ordered to stop you from casting any spells that could interfere with the General’s plans, then signal him as soon as possible.” Blind Watch recited his commands. “We sensed a large magical surge and wanted to be sure you weren't casting such a spell.”

Twilight facehoofed. “Of course there was a large magical surge. I needed to move the sun for Celestia’s sake!” If the two were embarrassed about almost ending life as they knew it, they were sure good at hiding it. The two seemed more interested about why The Princess had cursed them using her own name.

The door guards took this moment to burst in with weapons drawn. Claymore had his horn aglow and obsidian blade drawn. Morning Star clutched her spiked club in her blunt jaws.

“Your Highness! Has Nightmare Moon returned? What is happen..?” Sir Claymore turned away at the sight of the two guards laying atop his Princess, still tangled in her royal bedsheets.

Morning Star barely suppressed a giggle. “We’ll just be going, Your Highness. It’s not really my business, but maybe you could finish moving the sun first before snuggle time— ow?!” Morning Star recoiled from a kick to the shoulder by her fellow door guard.

“What are you inferring?” Twilight’s cheeks reddened as she jumped to her hooves. The pair of guards were launched off her back. “Oh no! That’s not what—”

I could just say they attacked and betrayed me, which they kinda did? Twilight thought as she absentmindedly remade the bed with surgical precision.

Twilight had half a mind to rat out the two traitors, but the General might make good with his threat and hurt her little ponies. She had to think of something else. Something convincing, while also clever, that would keep things under wraps and save her royal dignity.

“They just tripped and fell on me while I was raising the sun.” Twilight saw that the guard was about to question her impeccable logic. “Yes, they both tripped and fell on me unawares. Isn’t that right you two?” Stupid, stupid, stupid. Most of her other split second decisions usually went so well. “You two go take the rest of the day off.”

Morning Star eyed the two unicorns on the floor. Both noded in agreement. “Riiight— oof! I mean, of course Your Highness.” With that, Morning Star and Claymore headed for the doors.

“Star, why do you keep looking at me like that?”

Morning Star sidled up closer to her partner and whispered, “You just look so heroic with your big sword. It’s hawt— ow! What did I say?!” With that, the doors closed and the two sentries were left to their own devices.

“As for you two!” Twilight levitated Blind Watch and Sun Singer over to face her. The two stood before her like statues, unable to fight her mental might. They couldn’t even move their jaws to speak out.

Twilight paced back and forth in front of the petrified ponies. “Now, I know you two have been checking in with the honorable General every ten minutes so I will make this brief.”

Celestia’s student had never felt such a fire inside before. A burning passion to protect the innocent that felt instinctual. She glared down at the two traitors, utilizing her intimidating height.

“I have no intention of risking anypony’s life. As such, I also have no intention of breaking my little agreement with the dear General.” The two ponies suddenly found their heads freed from her spell.

Before either of her captives could speak she cut in, “Now, how exactly does jumping on me every time I cast a spell help?”

Sadly the two seemed less intimidated than she had hoped, or perhaps they couldn’t shake in fear due to her spell. They knew Celestia was no pacifist, but she wouldn’t dare touch them.

The unicorn mare Sun Singer spoke first. “Well, neither of us know any counter spells and breaking a mage’s concentration usually works..”

The Princess’ mood seemed to lighten all of the sudden. “That’s understandable. Few unicorns can read spell weave as spells are being cast, let alone disrupt the channels before it could be released all in real time. It takes years of study to understand even the basics.”

Her scare tactics hadn’t frightened them before, but the sparkling gleam in Celestia's eyes made them shudder. That earsplitting smile, her giddy hopping, and swishing tail, all seemed off putting.

“Lucky for you, I’m the perfect pony to teach you a lesson!”

Perhaps Celestia really would dispose of them and her little speech was just a mind game.

It’s not like teaching them is against their orders. “Even if I have to make them learn,” The Princess said aloud, tapping her chin in thought. “We’ll start with how magic relates to basic quantum mechanics and wave functions...” Twilights words were lost on the two guards as their imaginations got the better of them.

They recalled a rumor of Celestia sending a criminal’s ears to a dimension where some unknown creatures stroked them for all eternity. The incessant scratching and petting would never end. While you eat, while you trot to work, while you lay awake at night regretting life, ten alien appendages would descend upon the sensitive tips of your ears and you couldn't do anything to stop it.

And that was just for calling her fat. What would she do to ponies who betrayed her rule?

“Are you two paying attention? There will be a quiz if you two can’t pay attention!”

They had been so stunned they hadn’t noticed they were free to move.

Meanwhile, the interrogation was still in progress...

Twenty minutes had passed and Shadow Wisp still had no idea what was going on with this mare. Belladonna was convinced he had gotten the truth spell wrong. That is until she asked some control questions of her own before stepping back outside the room to observe. They asked where Pinkie had gotten the goggles, but she just kept smiling and spewing nonsense.

“So after I finished checking on my emergency eye patch stashes around town— ‘stashes.’ Isn’t that a funny word? Anyway, it was time to work on adding two more sets of pedal cranks to my candy-copter. I promised the Cutie Mark Crusaders I would help them become rescue heroes and they needed my candy-copter for their sky patrols.”

Belladonna and Shadow Wisp didn’t bother asking who the CMC were, considering they had already heard plenty about them from Pinkie’s previous streams of consciousness. They also had to accept the existence of some sort of magic sense that manifested as twitches and itches that bordered on advanced precognition.

“I was just about done shortening the pedal cranks for the fillies when my Pinkie Sense told me that I had mail. So I stashed the copter and that’s when I won the Ponyville lottery, which is only like 100 bits. I donated the bits to Ponyville General, because I felt partially responsible for poisoning all those ponies with bad cupcakes. I finished the day with adding a thousand more balloons to my secret balloon animal army and went to sleep.”

The room fell silent and Pinkie Pie just continued to smile at her captor. Everything she said had to be true while under the influence of the truth spell. Somehow that didn’t seem consoling to Shadow Wisp, especially whenever she insinuated a growing relationship between them. Was it Stockcolts Syndrome or was she really interested? And in what?

Something clicked in the mare’s manic memory and Pinkie continued. “Oh, yeah. You wanted to know about Garry! I got him in the mail with this letter.”

“What letter?” Shadow asked.

“It’s in my mane, but my legs are kinda tied up at the moment.” There was that innocent smile again.

When his foreleg disappeared up to his shoulder before he extracted a mysterious letter from her pink curls, he didn't question it. Somewhere along the line he stopped caring and just went with the crazy.

His co-worker however was having a tough time dealing. He faintly heard Belladonna yelling expletives from behind the one way glass every time Pinkie broke the world, which was all the time.

The letter read...

Dear Miss Pie

We noticed you have are a very particular set of skills. Skills you have acquired without any understanding whatsoever. If you throw this letter away now, that will be the end of it - I will not look for you, I will not pursue you... but if you sign and return it to your mailbox, I will send you more objects that require special attention.

Just submit your thoughts on these objects after a one month period and they are yours. The first object is enclosed in this package.

Sincerly,

L.S.D.

“I assume by ‘particular set of skills’ they mean my party planning skills. I don’t know why they had to be all cryptic about it, or what that has to do with random doohickies? But hey, free stuff is free stuff! Am I right or am I right?!” Pinkie didn’t notice Shadow was barely listening by this point.

He knew what the L.S.D. was; he just didn’t get what L.S.D. had to do with this mare. Why would Luna’s Spy Division send this crazy mare gadgets to test out?

“I have been asking everypony around Ponyville where I can find L.S.D., but nopony can give me an answer.” Pinkie continued in the background.
 
What this did tell him is that Pinkie Pie probably had no clue about what was going on either. That or she was some sort of unknowing secret agent that L.S.D. was using to their advantage. He fantasized that Pinkie Pie was being used as a test base for new spy gadgets as she inadvertently destroyed villain’s plans with her insanity. She could be the best agent ever. She would never break in interrogation, because she wasn’t even aware she was a spy.

Shadow Wisp considered the latter as complete nonsense. But so far Pinkie has been complete nonsense so maybe... Whatever the truth was, he found himself attracted to something about this mystery. Perhaps it wasn’t something, but somepony?

Belladonna beckoned him from the cracked doorway. Her dark blue muzzle promptly pulled back through the door frame.

He joined her in the hall outside the door. Her wings fidgeted in obvious irritation. “I just got a message up the grapevine. The butterfly is in the net. We have orders to release the barrel of laughs. What should we do?”

“Just let her go,” he said, surprising himself a little.

“What?” Belladonna motioned a wing towards Pinkie’s direction. “She knows too much!”

Shadow snorted. “As far as I can tell she doesn’t know anything.” He smiled for the first time that day. Or maybe she knows more than all of us?

He thought he might be starting to understand Pinkie now. It didn’t matter if she was or wasn't something, she was just excited to be along for the ride, or something? Okay maybe he didn’t get it, but she sure was happy regardless. If only I could be that happy all the time? 

“You caaan!” came a sing-song voice from the interrogation room.

Belladonna sighed. “What is she talking about now?”

“Don’t worry about it. Just let her go and I’ll go report in. Nopony would believe what she had to say anyway.”

“They never dooo!” Pinkie sang out. Her voice was largely muffled by the door.

“Can she hear us out here?” The pegasus asked.

“What are you two talking about out there? I can’t hear you through this door! I’m BORED! Enhanced interrogation isn’t very fun!”

Belladonna went to release the prisoner. She would be sporting an ugly forehead bruise by that evening. Luckily her helmet and dark blue coat would help to hide it while she worked her rounds.

Shadow Wisp left to report that Pinkie Pie had no useful information on Luna’s allegiance and was to be left alone during further operations if possible. He also made a stop to buy a new outfit for the big party, and perhaps an “I’m sorry for giving you a crappy interrogation” gift.

For the past thirty minutes they had been sitting in one of the smaller dining halls reserved for less important engagements. That’s not to say the room wasn’t fancy. It still had gold and white festoon nets around the arching window frames and walls to match Celestia's sun and ivory coat. The room’s twin had similar drapings, but were colored to match Luna and her night. A hard maple table, built by woodworker long dead by now, stood in the center of the carpeted floor. There was no tablecloth draped over it, considering the embroidered silk was reserved for actual meals.

Bright Herald leaned over in her chair and whispered to the serving mare beside her. They sat listening to the especially energetic earth pony across the room. The trio had a party to plan and a lot of lost time to make up for. Pinkie Pie had really kicked things into high gear.

“Porcelain Pot, this mare is crazy!” she hissed.
        
“She’s not crazy. She’s just...” Porcelain Pot trailed off for a moment.
        
On the other side of the dining hall table, Pinkie Pie continued to scratch away on a large slate with multi colored  chalk. “... the castle would collapse in a fiery rubble! And that's what would happen at the party if there isn’t enough punch for everypony.”
        
The chalk board now had a fiery collapsed castle drawn on it, complete with what might have been a flaming pony jumping out of one of the towers. Pinkie seemed miffed that she had used all the white chalk to draw the castle. This meant she had to use pink for Celestia. Celestia obviously isn’t pink!
        
“...free spirited.” Porcelain Pot finished quietly. “Just listen, we might learn something.”
        
Bright Herald gave a bemused expression. “Do you even remember how we found her..?”

Porcelain Pot’s eyes glazed over. “Yeah, I wish I could have been in that food fight. It must have been epic.”

“You would know. You had to help clean it up.”

“Hey, I can appreciate a good mess. What Pinkie Pie did was art!”

Bright Harald crossed her forelegs and snorted. “You two were made for each other. Who knows what she was doing between that fight and when we found her playing creepy organ music in the concert hall.”

“Shhh, she’s covering dance moves next. I’ve never seen wubstep dancing before.”

“I rest my case,” the Court Announcer whispered to herself.

Both ponies noticed a lack of incessant, energetic, musings and looked around the room. Pinkie Pie was certainly gone, but there was a note left on the chalkboard.

Sorry to skedaddle all of the sudden, but I had to go save The Princess from herself and somepony is gonna be under assault soon.

No, I’m not committing the assault.
Be back tonight to finish planning.

Pinkie Pie

Today was the meeting day for inter city affairs. It was a gathering where every stuck up pony thought that their issues were the most important in all Equestria, when in reality they were anything but. That is at least what Twilight was starting to think about the meetings.

The smaller council room she was in lacked windows of any size and only had one entrance. Two levels of bleacher-like seating faced the center floor where The Princess could discuss business with whomever took a seat at the round table.

Twilight was much less comfortable here than attending meetings in the Main Council Chamber, because of all the eyes from above bearing down on her. Unfortunately the main chamber was still in bad shape from Twilight’s “bout” with the Major General.

Seated around the table were ponies with varying importance to the city and the castle. These included the fiscal advisor Fancy Pants, General Double Edge, a half dozen noble ponies she didn’t recognize, and a white unicorn stallion with a shiny blond mane.

This unicorn was the last on her meeting list. Unfortunately, it was her nephew. Even having a body related to this jerk made her uncomfortable. For the past fifteen minutes she had been arguing with Prince Blueblood.

“For the last time’ I’m not authorizing the addition of a seventh wing to your monstrous house,” she said for the dozenth time. “One more wing and I swear your house would take flight!”

“I paid for the demolition and construction, and you won’t sign off on the project? This is a scandal!” Blueblood proclaimed.

He noticed Celestia take a deep breath. She suddenly relaxed and started to stare off to the side. “Are you actually considering my request?”

The Princess never heard him. If only I had a bit for every snooty rich pony that said ‘This is a scandal,’ then I could throw the giant bag of bits off of the tallest tower and the fair prince and all the other stuck up rich ponies would chase it off the edge like a pack of lemmings... Wait, lemmings have not been scientifically proven to run off cliffs... 

Blueblood noticed Celestia refocus her attention on him. He waited with anticipation as the fair Princess opened her mouth to speak. “You do realize that—”

“Pssssst... Twilight.”

Blueblood took a deep breath to keep his composure, despite the fact that he was being ignored.

The alicorn snapped her head around, as if looking for something. Little did Blueblood know that the last time Celestia had heard voices, she ended up tumbling through a dimensional gate, into an alien sky, and getting pummeled by a giant metal bird.

“Pssssst... Down here.”

Celestia’s head gazed downward at something unseen. “What do you want?”

“How could she just forget?” Blueblood growled quietly to himself. “I should have taken this to the Night Court. Auntie Luna can’t possibly be this absent minded.” With an arrogant snort, Blueblood pointed a hoof at his blueprints once more. “I want permission and a draft from the treasury to begin construction—"

“No, not you, I mean the pony under...  excuse me for a moment.” Celestia dipped her head under the table, ignoring the ponies in the stands who whispered and looked at one and other.

Twilight looked worriedly at her friend sitting under the table. “Pinkie Pie, what are you doing in here? You could get arrested.” Twilight shook her head. “Nevermind Pinkie, just make it quick.”

Pinkie Pie opened and closed her mouth a few times, preparing to blurt out what she wanted. Twilight’s smile tightened every moment she had to wait.

“I need a ton of balloons, like literally a ton, a mile of streamers, forty crates of flour, sixty crates of sugar, an inflatable banana raft, some airships, twenty carriages—”

“You want airships?!” Celestia exclaimed, before pulling her head up and catching the tip of her horn on the table. She rubbed the sore spot noticing a confused and irritated look on Blueblood’s face.

“How typical, trying to distract me as usual. Are you trying to bribe me? You know what, I do want airships, along with your signature and apology for not allowing this very important construction.”

“How is building a seventh wing to your gigantic house very important? Your building site goes right over the History of Astronomy Museum!” This was more than enough Blueblood for one day, or even a week. Her patience was becoming as thin as the air near the peak of Canterlot Mountain.

“Who cares about some ancient old junk? Somepony can just move that rubbish somewhere else,” Blueblood said, dismissing The Princess’s words with a hoof.

“Oh, now you dun goofed!”

The prince looked around as he could swear he’d heard somepony say something.

Blueblood looked questioningly at Twilight. “Did you hear—”

“Who cares? WHO CARES?!” Celestia braced her front hooves on the table and glared at her ungrateful nephew. “That building happens to be my student’s favorite museum! The historical significance of the ‘junk,’ as you call it, outweighs your right to expand your mansion!”

 Blueblood’s ears un-pinned from his head, and he moved a loose lock of his mane back in place. He inhaled to give his aunt an earful she would surely regret.

“I already said that dusty old clutter can be moved! I didn’t want to point this out earlier auntie, but I am within legal rights to this construction. Your objections so far appear to be nothing more than personal. If you deny me your signature then I dare call it an abuse of your power.”

There was an audible gasp from the witnesses and attendees. The Major General nodded his head in agreement. Celestia remained speechless in her seat.

“Well auntie, what do you have to say for yourself?” Blueblood finally lowered his nose from the air and opened his eyes. Instead of a star struck Princess, he noticed Celestia squirming in her chair with a distracted look on her mug.

She could no longer ignore the thing tugging on her back hooves. “Just a minute... one of the table legs seems wobbly,” she said pulling her chair back to make room for herself. “Just sit tight for a moment.”

The Princess disappeared under the council chamber once again, with only her flowing tail and a bit of her cutie mark sticking out out from underneath. The crowd was unable to witness what was surely the most amazing table repairing magic anypony had ever seen.

“What do you need all that stuff for?” Twilight asked as soon as she came face to face with Pinkie Pie.

“I need all that stuff for the big party, but Twilight, don’t you want to go organize some—?”

The alicorn shoved a hoof in Pinkie’s mouth and her eyes darted left and right. “Don’t call me that. I’m Princess Celestia.”

Why does everypony always shove hooves in my mouth? At least now I know what Celestias hooves taste like. Dashie’s hooves taste better though... Pinkie Pie broke free. “—Okay but don’t you want to read a book about—”

Twilight formed a zipper over the earth pony’s mouth. “No, I don’t care about reading! I have a lot of serious problems right now, Pinkie.”

Don’t care to read?! This is getting worse than I thought. Oh, that other thing is important, too!  Pinkie unzipped her mouth. “You’re the one with a serious problem. I mean more than what you said. I think somepony might be after the Ele—”

“Pinkie Pie!” She whispered forcefully while reengaging the zipper. Twilight sighed, lighting up her horn. A piece of paper flouted from the tabletop and down to the floor between her and Pinkie. She quickly scribbled out a note and signed it at the bottom.

She scooted the paper closer to the party mare. “This will get you anything you need for the party, anything at all.” Finally, the zipper-lip spell disappeared.

Pinkie Pie grabbed the paper and put it in her mane. “Thanks a bundle, but you need to freak out and be neurotic like usual or else something bad might happen!”

Twilight seemed to be completely ignoring her at this point. “I’m very busy, so unless you have something I can tell Blueblood, then you need to go.” Twilight started to back out from under the table.

Pinkie Pie tensed up, resisting the urge to blurt out what Twilight needed to hear. She grabbed Twilight’s gold clad hoof. “Just tell him you’ll sign it at tomorrow’s meeting and take these cupcakes. By tomorrow the building itself will be old enough to declared a historical landmark.” Pinkie wasn’t smiling or frowning as she let go of the Sun Princess.

Twilight looked off to the side, considering the idea. “How did you know how old...” She trailed off as she noticed Pinkie had vanished. Well, that was typical... I think.

Celestia emerged from below the table to take her seat.

Prince Blueblood wasted no time to speak his mind. “I, amongst others, are petitioning against the crown—”

The Princess held up a hoof while she finished a bite of cupcake. I understand the building, but what do cupcakes have to do with Blueblood? He looks just as confused about these as I would be, if I hadn't known Pinkie already.

Blueblood’s face changed from one of rage to perplexity. “...Where did you get those cupcakes?”

Celesta chewed it slowly, savoring the taste. The Princess rolled her eyes like it was the most delicious cupcake ever, which it was, since it had been a while since her last Pinkie treat. Oh, Celestia why are sweets soo good in this body?

“What, these? That isn’t important,” she said, unwrapping another pastry and taking a bite.

“But you were just under the table and suddenly...” The unicorn briefly looked under the table himself. “Cupcakes don’t just appear out of thin air! I demand an explanation!”

“I thought ponies of your stature didn’t care for carnival fare like this?” she said, before licking her lips free of pink frosting and grabbing another pastry in her magic.

“No, I... They just...” Suddenly he pointed a hoof right at The Princess; a gesture that would be considered rude even if he weren’t family. “I see what you’re up to! I won’t fall for this distraction.”

So this was Pinkie’s game. “What distraction? Oh, you mean these?” She rotated the treats in her magic, letting the afternoon sunlight reflect off of the sparkly icing. “You can’t have any,” Celestia said flatly.

“I don’t want any of your crummy cupcakes. I just want you to sign—”

“These are not crummy. They’re the most moist, supple, and delectable cupcakes in the land; created by the most dedicated pastry chef in Equestria.” Again, everything she said was mostly true. “I was going to sign your papers, but after you insulted these fine treats...”

Blueblood’s ears folded back as he panicked. “Wait, you were going to sign? I am ever so sorry, your Highness. I didn’t mean to insult your fine cuisine. I’m sure the petition would have failed anyway.”

What a pushover. “Hmmm, maybe I can accept your apology." Celestia looked to each of her hooves as if weighing the pros and cons. "I’ll sign your papers... tomorrow morning. For now, I’m going to enjoy these in my chambers.” The alicorn pushed her chair in and started toward the exit. She heard her nephew speak in a more polite tone.

“Auntie, may I have one of those exquisite desserts?”

Twilight looked back at the snooty prince with the most sincere look of consideration she could muster without breaking out in laughter. “Hmmm, no,” she said as she strode out of the room towards her chambers with her nose held high.

The two guards that had been tailing her all week were back as soon as she made her way towards her chamber. Blind Watch and Sun Singer weren’t the best conversationalists, but the latter was definitely catching on in her nullification magic lessons. If Sun Singer wasn’t working for her enemy it might have been more rewarding.

Blind Watch was a thug however. Not only was he reluctant to do as she instructed, he was bent on putting her in her place, whatever that may be in this case?

What does the General expect me to do between here and my room, and why are deserts sooo good lately? Twilight Sparkle suddenly stopped chewing her confectionery. She frowned realizing she never thanked Pinkie Pie for the cupcakes.

Was I being mean to Pinkie Pie? What was she trying to tell me before?

How could he do this to us... to The Princesses?

“Star, you’re acting crazy. Just listen to me!”

Morning Star continued her relentless assault on Shining Armor’s barrier, tuning out his lies and cries to stop. She would never have suspected the Captain of all ponies to betray the kingdom, but he had said it himself. Shining Armor knew the coup was coming.

A few minutes ago, she was actually worried about him. Now she found herself smashing her way through his shield magic just to pound him into submission.

She would have considered this pony an imposter, seeing as she was winning solely by brute force. The times she had spent sparing against that Captain had always taught her one thing. Once he got his shield up there was no offense to his defense.

As fissures formed across Shining’s shield, she considered how much harder this would have been if Luna hadn’t enchanted her weapon minutes before. The strength and cold runes in the shaft of her club glowed faint blue with every strike.

The pegasus pulled back for what would surely be the final blow to Captain Armor’s wavering defenses. However, her entire view was suddenly consumed by a pink blur and two happy energetic eyes.

“Whatcha doin?” An intensely pink pony had popped out of nowhere. Luckily Morning Star was able to pull back at the last second, before pasting this crazy pony across the magenta barrier separating her from the traitor.

She looked to Shining, forgetting her anger in favor of befuddlement. Her Captain looked just as surprised as she was.

She nudged the new pony aside. “Get away from him! This traitor is planning a coup on The Princesses. Who are you anyway?”

“The name’s Pinkie Pie! Shining is planning a coo?” Pinkie scratched her chin while looking off to the side. “What a funny word. Coo coo ka choo. Oooh is Shiny planning to write a nice haiku for Cadence? I wanna help! I’m really good at poems! You still didn’t answer my question about what you ponies were doing, though. Where you having a weapon party, cuz I’ve got this great battleaxe and—”

Pinkie turned away for a moment, only to turn back with a large double edged axe grasped in her impossibly wide smile. “Where the hay did you get that?” both Shining and Morning Star asked in unison. Lieutenant Star’s attention snapped back to where Shining was, only to find that her weapon was being wrenched from her mouth.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Shining said, now holding the morning star in his mouth and Pinkie’s axe in his magic. “Lieutenant Star, before you try and hit your boss again, Celestia already knows there is some sort of plot on the kingdom.”

“What kind of plot? I didn't see anything like that when I was outside,” Pinkie Pie said with a confused look. “Is it invisible?!” She gasped.

“How the? What? I don’t even.” Morning Star was running through multiple expressions and holding her head. The mare tried to ignore the pink wonder and switched back to Shining Armor.

“Captain, why did you tell me now? What are you planning to do about it?” Despite being outmatched, Morning Star moved closer to her captain and gave him a critical stare.

Pinkie bounced up with a short scroll of paper in her mouth. “Ooh ooh, I know! You're on his special list of ponies! Maybe he wants you to be his special somepony!”

Shining couldn’t stop himself from blushing. If he hadn’t been looking away, he would have caught the rosy cheeks on his lieutenant.

“I would never date Captain Armor!” She said a bit hastily. “I mean, it’s not like he’s unattractive or anything. He’s strong, has a nice coat, he’s got powerful magic and a big... horn—” She coughed into a hoof. “It wouldn’t be professional.”

“Yes, she’s just one of my guards. I’m not attracted to her at all.” Shining laughed awkwardly.

“Are you calling me unattractive?” Star huffed.

Shining’s ears splayed back and twitched as he chuckled. “Of course not. You have many desirable traits.”

“Uh huh. I’m so convinced.” Star rolled her eyes.

“You have... beautiful primaries, just like Cadence. Only shorter.” She continued to stare angrily at Shining. “What do you want from me, girl?!”

Morning Star just smiled. “Nothing, I was just messing around.”

It was Shining’s turn to glare. “You come into my office, accuse me of treason, destroy my desk, assault me, and you think you can joke with me?”

Morning Star caved immediately.“Okay, okay, just don’t fire me.”

“Ff-fire you!? I’m charging you with aggravated assault and destruction of private property, as well as use of an unregistered magical weapon... on me!”

Morning Star sputtered for words, spewing strings of apologies and excuses— mostly excuses. “I thought you were plotting— I had to— you could have— I was going to your office to register my weapon. Luna just imbued it outside, like three minutes ago. I’m so sorry! I’m an idiot. An impulsive, stupid idiot, and I’ll do anything to keep my job!”

Finally, when she was prone on the ground begging for forgiveness, Shining Armor burst out laughing.

“I won’t fire you. But seriously, you owe me big time. Starting with a rematch tomorrow.”

Pinkie studied the two further. “Are you sure you're not interested in each other? She’s first on this list, and you fight like a couple.” Her blue eyes seemed to be staring into the pair’s inner being, unblinking and unrelenting.

“We’re sure.” Both guards ponies felt inclined to nod their heads in response to Pinkie’s critical stare.

The palpable silence was finally broken by Shining forcing a cough. “Pinkie Pie, in what land do couples charge each other with deadly weapons?” Shining mentally face hoofed. Oh wait, that happened in my relationship.

Pinkie Pie relaxed and smiled. “Good, ‘cus Cadence might go crazy again and Claymore would be all saddy waddy.” Pinkie held up the list again, pacing about the room. “So if this isn’t a list of crushes, which wouldn't make sense with all the handsome stallions on here, then it must be a secret list for a special tasks group that Shiny plans on using to stop the big apparently invisible butt that’s on Canterlot!”

“That actually isn’t that far off, except the plot is a coup, not a big... yeah,” Shining said, sounding less surprised by Pinkie’s deductive skill than he should have.

Morning Star was cradling her head again with her ears folded back. “What did this mare have an axe for? How did she even get in here? What is happening!?”

“Just let it go, lieutenant.” Shining pulled a file from a shelf, along with a stool to rest it on. His desk obviously unusable. “You may want to read the first page in that report.”

Morning Star flipped the cover of the folder that had been stamped with multiple classifications like ‘Top Secret,’ ‘Caution,’ ‘Do Not Distribute.’

‘Most materials in this folder have been collected by Her Highness’ top student, Twilight Sparkle. This file contains what little we know about the Element of Laughter’s special abilities. If this happens to be your first exposure to the subject, please read the following before engaging the earth pony, Pinkie Pie. Be prepared for a personal party thrown in your honor (no this is not a joke, and no, you can not avoid it).’

Inside was a list of rules, which she started to read aloud.

“First rule of Pinkie Pie: Do not talk or think rationally about Pinkie Pie. (Observations and questions may be recorded, but leave conclusions to qualified agents and scientists).”

Shining Armor grunted. “That should be good enough, Lieutenant. Now let me explain the situation.”

“But sir, what about this... civilian?”

“Pinkie Pie is one of my sister’s friends, and a hero to Equestria. Besides, read rule number thirty-six.”

Morning Star hoofed through the extensive list until she found the target item. “Rule thirty-six: Nothing is secret from Pinkie Pie.”

With things calmed down considerably, the three ponies got down to business. Shining had a new desk delivered to his office and cleaning up the mess was quick business with his magical ability. Celestia had hooked him up with her personal desk supplier considering the large number of desk mortalities that happened with higher up positions of Canterlot.

He would miss all the good times with his old desk. All the disgruntled stabbings with a letter opener, the face desk moments with all the painful horn dents, the drool stains from long night shifts.

Shining reveled in the ability to use magic to clean everything. It would have taken him all day without it. As he tidied up, he filled in his company on what he knew.

“So Luna enchanted your morning star before you came in here. That explains why I couldn’t grab it with my magic, how you nearly broke my shield, and how you obliterated my desk!” Shining said as he filed away a stack of papers in his new desk.

Morning Star recoiled in embarrassment.

“Oh, so that’s what a coup means,” Pinkie blurted out. She put down the book on military terms and fluttered her eyes at Shining. “Can I have my axe back? I need it to cut the cake at the party tomorrow.”

“Why don’t you just use a knife?” Morning Star asked Pinkie Pie. “Is that breaking rule number one? Oh, who cares, I was first on the Captain’s list!”

Shining laughed. “Just because you’re the first on the list, does not make you the best for the job. You just happen to be the least likely to succeed in secretly betraying me.”

“You just had to ruin my one moment didn’t you?” Star whined.

“For you, yes.”

Meanwhile Pinkie was still answering the original question. “... SO because ONE cupcake had a knife in it the kitchen staff wouldn't let me have knives anymore. Then I was all, how am I supposed to cut cake? Since nopony would give me a knife and swords are so much like knives I couldn’t use them either. And clubby weapons, not like bar stools, but like Star’s spiky club here would smash the cake, so then I thought an axe would be great. So I went to the armory and bought a double edged axe, cus two blades are like way better than one—”

“Wait, Black Forge just let you buy a battleaxe?” I’ll have to give that old codger a firm talking to.

“Well, Twilestia gave me this little paper. Anytime I need something for the party I just show it to somepony and they give me stuff.”

Star looked over at Shining. “Doesn’t she mean Celestia?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea,” he lied. “Miss Pie, may I see this paper?”

“Only if you give me my cake cutting ax back.” Pinkie Said as she fluttered her eyelashes adorably.

He hesitated for a moment. Should I be giving a young energetic mare a battle axe? “Fine, just... be careful.” It’s not like she isn’t already certified.

Pinkie pulled the document from her mane and hoofed it over, while Shining Armor gave back the medieval weapon.

Shining and Morning Star’s eyes bulged as the two scanned over the document signed by her highness. “HOW DID YOU GET THIS!” They yelled in unison.

“You don’t have to yell. I’ll tell you in the flashback.”

“In the flashback? What in Tartarus are—”

“What is rule number one, Lieutenant,“ the stallion said before Morning Star could ask.

“Don’t talk or think rationally about Pinkie Pie,” she recited.

Today was the meeting day for inter city affairs. It was a gathering where every stuck up pony thought that their issues were the most important in all Equestria, when in reality they were anything but. That is at least what Twilight was starting to think about the meetings...

In twenty minutes or so, Pinkie Pie and the two guards ponies were caught up and mildly confused.

Shining Armor leaned back in his chair. “I find it hard to believe The Princess would just give you the equivalent of a blank check written on the nation of Equestria for whatever you want.”

“How did you know what Celestia said after you had already left? Why did you call her Twilight... never mind, rule number one and what not,” remarked Morning Star.

“There are bigger problems than third person omniscience here.” Pinkie was trying desperately to mouth words to Shining.

Her efforts failed. “Right, the coup!” both guards exclaimed.

“No, what I have to say is more important than that, maybe even more important than this upcoming party!”

“I’m starting to think you really love parties,” Morning Star deadpanned.

“Well, duh-uuuuh!” Pinkie giggled with her usual snort at the end.

Shining eyed his lieutenant. “You have no idea. Now Pinkie, what is so important that I find you in my office today?”

“It’s kind of private.” Pinkie skipped up beside the Captain, nudging Shining in the side. “You know, family issues.”

“Oh, OH!” Shining gestured for Star to leave them for a moment. Reluctantly she got up from her stool. When the door closed he looked to Pinkie. “Before you tell me what’s wrong, I wanted to know how Celestia is doing in Ponyville?”

“Oh, besides the massive amounts of property damage from the dragons and a little bit from Celestia herself, the time travelling fillies, and magical constructs, she’s doing fine. That is, thanks to my expert counseling!”

“I heard about the dragon attack. It’s good to hear she could handle things on her own out there.” Shining’s ears twitched uncomfortably. “Wait a minute! Did you say time travelling fillies, and what was that about counseling Celestia?”

Pinkie shook her head wildly from side to side. “But that’s not important right now. Twilight never said hello or goodbye or thank you for the cupcakes I gave her.” Pinkie dug at the floorboards as she sulked.

He had seen sad mares before, but seeing Pinkie like this just seemed to suck every bit of life and color from the room. “I’m sure she was just busy with her duties. You were interrupting an important meeting after all.”

“You don’t understand. It was a test and Twilight failed. I was able to help Celestia, but I don’t know if this party can help Twilight anymore.”

I have no idea what she’s talking about, but if Twilight failed something I better not tell her without my shield and a noise cancellation spell up. “You’re one of her best friends. I’m sure she will love your party.” That’s it! The party!

Shining noticed Pinkies lips stop quivering and her big eyes stopped watering. “You, you really think so?” Pinkie Pie wrapped Shining in a bone crushing hug, causing him to yelp in pain.

Morning Star burst through the door. “Sir! Are you... all right? The pegasus cocked her head. “So I understand the flirting with Celestia, but Pinkie Pie? Seriously?”

“Here’s a box for your things, Star. I expect you to be off the premises by 6:30.”

“Shutting up now,” She said with a zipping lip motion.

Pinkie finally let go and Shining focused his attention on his guard. “But seriously, thank you for volunteering for my new plan, Lieutenant.”

The mare started backpedaling until she hit the door and realized she was locked in once again. Shining’s plans usually involved lots of pain and cleanup duty. “Si— Sir, you’re scaring me. I haven't seen that smile since just before you got revenge on Flash Sentry for that Hearth’s Warming Eve prank.” I should really see these things coming.

“You’re scared? Good. Because what we are about to do may be the most spectacularly brilliant or incredibly stupid plan ever, and we’ll need Pinkie Pie and her blank check to do it.“ Shining laid a foreleg over Pinkie’s back and smiled wide.

“Just spear me now or send me back to Door Guard Duty,” Morning Star groaned while smacking her forehead with a hoof.

To Be Continued.