Month: 03 Day: 06 Time: 9:16
There I laid, surrounded by my friends, with an unknown taste in my mouth, in my bed. Naturally you are supposed to feel safe at home... I didn’t. Everything was pointing towards drugs. But my friends were too dumb to even get their hands on them.
"Mmmmm... Nnnngghhh!" I mumbled as a finger shoved a mass of musty smelling fabric into my mouth.
"Is the ass licker awake?" One of my 'friends' said.
I distastefully hocked the mystery material from my mouth. "What the hell is in my mouth" I asked them
"Ha ha ha!" One of my other friends cackled
"Really Jimmy, really, it was you?" I said looking at the source of the laugh at a man identified as Jimmy.
"Hell yeah it was" Jimmy said.
"Asshole, so who else had a part in this ass licking?" I asked them
"All of us!"They said in unison
"Dang it Danny!" I said looking at him.
"Yeah?" Danny said.
"So what did you do?" I questioned them.
"I think the real question is how did horse ass taste?" Danny inquired
"You fed me horse ass!" I yelled.
"I guess you could say that" He replied back.
"You, John are a horrible friend!" I said, looking at my extremely shitty friend.
"You could also say that." John said.
"Hey at least we didn't feed you Ron's dirty underpants!" Danny said.
"Hey my underpants taste better than yours!" Ron roared back at him in retort.
"Are you implying that you know how my dick and your dick taste?" Danny quipped.
"Jerk" Ron said bitterely
"Hey let's let Oliver here tell us how it tasted" John said.
"I guess it would be however horse ass tastes" I said, 'making an inference' as my English teacher would say.
So now is probably as good a time as any to tell you what just happened. But hopefully your smart enough to realize that my friends are worse than Glados from Portal. Now, let me explain them to you, so hopefully you'll get something out of it. Now, please bear with me as I explain. I know its repetitive.
The first guy i'll introduce you to is Danny. Danny, he's normal. He has jet black hair, green eyes, he has a wimpy build, but tries to make it for it by always wearing hoodies. So, hes the one that can make anything into a dick joke.
Jimmy, not to be racist but his skin is jet black. He's pretty big, buff, short, stalker.
He's a bit weirder because he's fat... he calls it man meat. {But the rest of us call it ‘You ate too many twinkies. in a nutshell he's that black dude who sits in the corner and stalks girls.
John, brown hair, piercing blue eyes, tries to show of his ass to girls, always wears muscle shirts, and is the only one in our group that is actually in shape. Let's put it this way, John looks like John Cena. He's all in all the big beef head who flexes once and has a storm of girls trying to 'throw themselves at him' for lack of better term.
Ron, wears the weirdest shirts you could think of, I mean take the weirdest person you've ever seen, times them by ten, and you have Ron. I don't think hes gone one day without wearing some kind of Doctor Who reference , Pokemon shirt, or any thing that has to do with video games. He has freckles too. Lots of freckles. He has brown hair and tannish skin (No Anthropology song reference meant).
Then you have me, my name is Oliver, I have brown eyes, with black hair, I'm pretty buff (I'm kidding, if I was buff then Kratos would be as skyscraper) I've got a girlfriend, but I'm the one that gets pounded on by the bullies, who pounds on the bullies. Let me make that phrase make some sense. Here's how that works, I used to get bullied, I got pissed at them and started fighting back. Now they try to bully me, Then I try to beat them up, and stuff happens. I'm really just the guy that gets pranked and ends up punching a guy in the gut even though John is the strong one.
We're all 18 around years old and are about to start college after one more year. Yipee! Shitty learning! You just can't beat it now can you!
Now what just happened was actually my friends force feeding me what they call horse ass. Don't ask me what it really was because chances are it was horse ass but it most likely also had drugs in it or something like that (with the way I acted that night I'm not sure if I was on drugs). Anyway, I guess I should go into better detail. I started of like any other night (with the exception that normal nights for me are full of arguing with my 9 year old sister about who gets the couch, yes I'm a terrible brother, but when your sisters annoying to the point of considering suicidal thoughts and wants to either play with you every night or have you watch her shows with you your gonna be an ass!).
Month: 03 Day: 06 Time: Sometime between 2 and 3
So, explanations and prologues of prologues aside, i'll explain the day after that unfortunate incident, for that is where our story starts.
It was a day like any other day. But this day, had pastel colored ponies in it. Well technically it was the night with the ponies.
"Oliver!" A voice said coming up from behind me.
"What do you need Ron, you here to talk more about which girls are the sexiest?" I said. Yeah he's really messed up.
"No. Weren't we supposed to be coming over?" He asked me.
"Oh shìt. I forgot. And I had plans with the principle. Guess I'll have to tell him another family emergency came up. What should it be this time. I'm thinking that my cousin's grandma passed and she wants me there to support her. And yes I know how that sounds like she my girlfriend." I told him.“What would a good excuse be? Hmm...”
"How about your cousin got pregnant and wants 'Everyone' there to support her?" Jimmy said coming up out of nowhere.
"Not bad Mr. Black" John said also coming out of nowhere.
"So where's Danny? Did he switch places with you, Ron, and is shitting on the gym floor?" I said.
"That was a one time thing!" Ron said yelling at me.
"Yeah but you want to do it again don't you, but this time you should piss on the floor to" Danny said finally coming up
"Speak of the devil" John said.
"Na, more like speak of the extremely incoherent man" I said.
"So what do you want to do tonight? And no more shitting in the filter Ron." I told him.
"Fine I'll just shit on you." He muttered under his breath.
"I'll help!" John said, way too happy to be joking.
"Yeah well I'll see you guys later. I've got to go tell the principle that my cousin's pregnant and wants me to support her." I said grinning ear to ear and walking towards the office. I was a terrible person.
"Good luck!" They all called back knowing that this was my 15th time having to get out of the principal's office.
"So you mean to tell me that your cousin is pregnant and you need to support her?" The principal said.
"Yup" I told him.
"And it isn't your kid? And your not making this up?" He said. Holy. Shit. He was slow!
"On a normal day I would tell you to go kiss my ass and sit down. But you know what, since your excuses are not usually this out there I'm prepared to just let you go and give you 3 more detentions to add on to your 6." He said to me.
"Thank you! I just really have to be there an-"
"Shut up and just go, it's been a long day and I'm sure the real reason behind this is another party so just go." He said, interrupting me half way through.
"Thanks!" I said running out.
That actually worked!? Now don't get me wrong it's worked before but that was before I got my reputation in my freshmen year. So what how am I supposed to get home? I missed my bus, I can't walk, and I'm not calling my mom to tell her I got in trouble again. That would end in a big stern, 'talking to where I would learn a life lesson'. Hmm... I know! I'll just get on another bus! What is my little sisters bus number... Umm, I think it's 69... Time to tread where no mans gone before a place numbered 69 with my sister... Uhhh, yeah. Don't read this mom.
I started walking towards the her school. "Hmm" 5 minutes till she gets out of school. And.. Theirs number 69!I ran over to it and knocked on the door. It opened to reveal the grungiest man ever.
"What do you need"He asked me in a gruff voice.
"I'm here for sister" I said to the dude in cave man speech.
"Brother!" I was so rudely interrupted in the middle of my sentence.
"Whatcha need sis?" I said trying to keep my cool. Now here's where I explain what she looks like. She's pretty much looks like redneck Rapunzel. Except somehow she makes it cute. If you want a better description, then here. She has long hair, down to about her stomach. Its blonde but it has some brown in it. She has way too many freckles for her too not be classified as biological mystery. As for a name? I call her RR. (Redneck Rapunzel) but her real name is Sue.
"Why did you come? Is it just another one of those things that's you being selfish?" She asked me. Good god this girl is perceptive. And gullible. But still perceptive.
Hmmm... What excuse. I think I'm gonna need the bullshit meter. So how about something simple like... "I just wanted to see you..." *ERRRRR* 89 bullshit points. That's bad. How about.
"Mom told me... " *DING* 26 bullshit points. Not bad, but if I said that she would tell me off and I would have no way home.
How about... "I'm hanging out with my friends for the whole night so I thought I would ride with you since I don't want you bothering me later... " *DING* 8 bullshit points, We have a winner!
"Hello, Oliver?" She started trying to get my attention.
"I came because my friends will be with me all night and I thought I would ride with you so you don't bother me tonight" Come on bullshit meter don't fail me now!
"Oh... Okay. I sit back here!" She said obviously happy that I came even with a reason like that. Somehow she still liked me (like I said, if you put me on a scale of good brother that list 1-100, I would be -1000).
She pointed me to the back of the bus and sat down in the back "You can sit right there since Hanna's not here" She said. I plopped down onto the seat and closed my eyes. Completely oblivious to my sister's comments (I'm a -1000 so I have an excuse) I quickly got to sleep. Ahh! Good ol' sleep! Good ol' sleep, my old friend!
"Big Bro!" A shrieking Sue screamed
"AHHH! What do you need?" I asked the voice (now identified as my sister)
"We're home, and you fell asleep halfway there and... and, sniff... (she actually says the sniffing noise) you just left me hang'n! I thought you were cool, but instead you're just 20% lamer!" She said, yelling the last parts.
"Is that good or bad?" I asked her "bad! Brothers are supposed to care for their sisters!" She roared at me.
And the winner for most times called an asshole (my sister just suggests it)... *Ding Ding Ding* Me! With an overwhelming 693 times per usual, every week!
"Is this what fairyland brothers do? Or is it what gay brothers do?" I asked her.
"And now your using bad language! Why can't you just be nice!" Jeez, everyone's a critic. You just can't fall asleep on the bus without waking up to screaming girls and other atrocities these days. She ran out crying where as I just walked out casually into the house.
How to play this off... How about some good old brotherly love! "Listen here sis if you tell on mom I will never ever make sure you'll be scheduled for weekly swirlies!" I yelled out to her before she reached the door. Now she, by some miracle (or curse) she heard that and stopped running. I walked up to her and saw tears running down her face. "If you don't stop crying I'm going to get in trouble! So stop it and act like nothing happened!" I roared at her this time. Yes, at a site that would have made even the coldest hearts melt somewhat, I was still being a jerk.
"Fine!" She said sucking up the tears and walking into the house.
Another problem solved by the worst brother in the world! Cue congratulations music! Celebrate good times!
I heard a car pull up behind me. "Now time to endure living hell" I said, scared for what was to come.
Month: 03 Day: 06 Time: 9:18
And that brings us to about now. You see, during that night, we played video games, ate pizza, crapped in the filter tanks, stalked women, and pranked my sister. When we went to bed. I woke up at that scene with the stuff in my mouth.
"So what was it really?" I asked.
"Oh, it was your sisters stuffed animals ass hair" Danny said.
"Crap! That was her favorite! Oh man if she rats me out then I'll never be able to hang out with you ass holes again!" I yelled at them "Do we still have time to get another?"
"maybe if we rush, we have about 2 hours to locate another one" Ron answered.
"Jimmy, do you know where to get one!?" I asked him.
"The store" he deadpanned.
"The what?" I asked him.
"The store, it's where you buy stuff." He said, continuing the deadpan.
"To this store you speak of?!" I said as we tiptoed out of my room and into the outdoors. We got in Ron's car and drove off. I got bored of the radio and plugged in my phone. Time for some tunes!
Song by: Me
Written by: Me
(I was to lazy to write lyrics. So instead just listen to elevator music here)
(Repeat to fade)
"Why are you listening to that?"
"Cause I can" I said. Anyway, I'll skip the boring parts. Me went into the store, bought the toy. Got back into my house, shoved the toy in my sisters closet, and went back to bed. Ha, you were expecting some entertaining drama! Psych! Anyway, on with the book!
After we got in bed, we just sorta sat there. All wondering if it would work. Eventually I fell asleep. I had a very weird, very trippy dream.
I was in space. But walk-able space. With lasersharks (not really).
"Tonto, we're not in Kansas anymore" I said (I ment Tonto). The weirdest part was that I was aware I dreaming. Hm... I'm not usually a lucid dreamer, but why not? Interesting, there appears to be a multicolored pastel horse behind me
"What?" I looked behind me and saw a small, sky blue, rainbow haired horse. The same type I bought for my sister.
"What?" I said
"What?" It said
"My friends drugged me didn't they?" I asked myself. There was no way that this crazy tripped up shit wasn't induced by the stuffed animals horse butt hair. Somehow, they got me all methed up.
"What?" the pastel colored horse said (It wasn't very bright)
"They drugged me" I said to it.
"Oh. Okay" It said, trying to stop acting redundant. idiot
"I can hear you!" It said. Somehow probing my mind for info. This thing was an alien probe wasn't it!
"So. Are you an alien probe?" I asked the alien probe.
"No?" It said in a tone that questioned my intelligence.
"So, what's your name?" It asked.
"I'm Oliver" I said.
"Cool I'm-"
"Let me guess! Your name is skittles!" I said, nailing its name.
"No it's-"
"Shhh, don't you cry no more" I said petting her.
"Get off!" The horse said.
"Why" I asked.
"Because! You... um, should!" She said flying up out of my arms an-Wait Flying! What the HELL! Oh I get it, it's a dream thing.
"That's a terrible reason" I said to it.
"Jerk" she said flying away. Only to hit an invisible barrier.
"Ha!!!" I laughed at her.
"So what do you want to do?" I asked Skittles. She didn't answer back.
This was an extremely weird dream, I didn't know what the hell just happened, but I was talking to the a horse in space with wings. And the introduction we had literally sounded like something out of a two year olds imagination, I mean, if I could I would change some of what I said but who really cares. I don't. I wish I could say more, but trans-dimensional space in a dream isn't as interesting as it sounds. Well, at least my dream isn't about my grandma with a w- I'll stop myself there
"I want to know where we are!" She yelled out, obviously just accepting the fact that we just had the worst intro humanly possible and pushed it off like it was nothing. So we just sat there. Until I felt a sharp pain in my ass.
P.S. Eat more skittles. Not like that pervs.