A Pony Walks Into A Bar...

by chief maximus

Bonus Chapter: St. Paddy's Day Special!

Welcome back! You showed up at an exciting time! Today is the one day out of the year where it is allowed, neigh, expected for ponies to drink themselves retarded. It's because of that, all my beer, cider, almost every liquid I'll be selling today is green! As I'm sure you've noticed, my bright green vest and giant green foam novelty top hat obviously show you how much I love this holiday. And I do love it, let me tell you. It's one of the most profitable days of the year for me, in fact.

But, you aren't here for that, are ya? Hell no! You're here for another yarn spun by yours truly. Well, I got one for ya. Remember that little dragon that tried to smooth talk his way into a cider on the shoulders of three fillies? Well, guess what? He came back one day.

It was actually St Paddy's day then too, as I recall! What are the odds, eh? Anyway, this time he was sans-fillies and duster. It was, however, during the day, around four in the afternoon. He walked in, cool as a cucumber and hopped up on a barstool. Not unusual, we also serve food until midnight, and we don't start carding until nine.

"Ah, Mr. Spike! How goes it?"

"It's been good so far. I snuck away from Twilight after doing a bit of research," he said smiling and narrowing his eyes like he'd found my old high school photos or something.

"Fair enough, what can I get ya?"

"Any gems?" he asked.

"'Fraid not."

"Alright, then. How about... a cider?" There was that smile again.

"Right, one sparkling cider coming right—"

He held up a clawed finger. "Not sparkling. Hard."

Well, someone certainly grew a rather sizable set of gems! I had to admit, I liked the guts it took. But, just like last time, the law's the law.

"Sorry, kid, you know the rules."

"That's right, I do." This is why he was smiling. He belched out a green jet of fire, and a scroll plopped down on the bar. He opened it and read it aloud.

"Article five, subsection three of the Rights of Non-pony citizens in Equestria are as follows: yada yada yada, here we go! All mythical, magical, and otherwise unusual beings of non-pony origin are subject to the laws of their respective societies, so long as they do not conflict with standing laws of Equestria."

Yep, that was lawyer talk for ya. "Alright, still, the drinking age here is still 21."

Spike nodded. "Yeah, it is, isn't it?" Another belch, another scroll. "Let's take a look at that law."

"No ponies under the age of twenty one years shall be allowed to consume any alcoholic beverage in a public setting." He folded both scrolls up and slid them off the bar. "I'm not a pony, and there's no established drinking age in the dragon... place where I'm from. So, you know what that means, right?"

Wow. I've never served alcohol through a loophole before, but the kid had a point. Plus, if he's been with Princess Twilight since she was just a little filly, then it stands to reason he's at least a teenager, right? Scruples notwithstanding, at least in a public setting, I can make sure he's not over-served. Besides, it's fairly obvious that Rarity had other things on her mind than returning the love of an infatuated teenage dragon that's half her size.

"Alright then, slick. One hard cider." I filled his glass and slid it over. I mean, he's only two foot five. How much could he possibly hold?

Yeah, I know it's the worst cliche to say something like that, but as you probably guessed, the predictable happened. Dragons, like princesses, can drink a ton.

Even more unbelievable, he wasn't even the least bit impaired! It's like he was just drinking for the taste! Who the hell drinks one-hundred-one proof bourbon for the taste (save your breath, it was a rhetorical question)?

Anyway, best part was, he didn't sit and dwell on the whole 'Rarity' thing. In fact, he was actually a fun guy to talk to!

"So yeah, then Twilight tries to play it off like she was just scratching herself!" He busted out laughing, and I had to admit, I love a good embarrassing story. Hell, this dragon could sell a story a day to a tabloid and be the richest guy in the country!

Eventually though, the booze seemed to start getting to him. His face was a bit flushed, and he started slurring his words. So I started watering down his ciders until he was drinking mostly water. Now, I know what you're thinking. How does a two foot tall dragon hold over half a keg of cider? Well, if you knew this dragon, the answer is obvious. Apparently, he'd actually drank a few glasses toward the end of the evening, and soon he forgot to 'transport' his alcohol somewhere else.

It was about that time that the door flung open, startling me and the entirety of my staff. Spike was the only one who didn't turn around. I didn't think dragons could change color, but he was a ghost of his former self.


In the doorway stood a livid Princess Twilight, Princess Celestia (who was completely soaked in cider) and Princess Luna trying and failing to contain her laughter. So, after I explained myself and how Spike pretty much presented a good case, I was spared losing my license to sling booze and in fact, had all three princesses stay for a few drinks! But, that's a story for another time.

Now that was an interesting night.

Happy Saint Paddy's day, drunks!