//------------------------------//
// Chapter 4: Wits End 
// Story: Caverns & Cutie Marks 
// by TheColtTrio 
//------------------------------//

	A ray of sunlight gleefully stabbed at the short one’s eyes, forcing him back into consciousness. He groaned under his breath as he rolled onto his back. “Good morning to you too, you solar jerk,” he muttered, rolling over again to get out of bed.
...A bed that turned out to be sand. He was reasonably sure that his bed was not sand. Now that more of his brain was awake, he realized that the sounds of flowing water was coming from somewhere nearby. He opened his eyes, blinking his eyes until they focused in on the pair of cyan hooves stretched out in front of him.
It was at this point that he began to think something had gone quite wrong.
He waggled what he was sure should be his arm. One of the hooves moved in front of him, making a small wave in the sand. “Um…” He looked around, spotting a river—likely the source of the watery sounds he’d been hearing—and dragged himself over on his belly to wash his eyes of the obvious hallucinations he was having. 
It was only when he saw what was most definitely a pony’s face reflected in the water that he began to be quite sure that something had gone quite wrong.
“What? No. Seriously? That- No. No no no.” The cyan and mint Pinto unicorn pawed at his reflection in the river; checking to see if the pony in the water was, in fact, himself. Strangely, he found that his panic seemed to be focused more on that he wasn’t where he remembered being last, and not that he was an oddly-colored horse.
“Wait…” The last place he remembered being… Memories of a certain mismatched Draconequus flooded back into his mind; including the last words spoken before he lost consciousness. “Oh. Ohhhhhhh. Okay. Great. Perfect. Spectacular, even!” He splashed the water into the air, causing a rippling rainbow to appear for a moment. “Discord, you Genie-imitating son of a Q! You know darn well what he meant by that!” He kicked at the water with a forehoof again and again, not particularly caring about the dampness spreading over his current costume; updated for his equine self, of course. “You see how angry I am, Discord? I’m angry enough to beat up water! You hear that! Water!!!” His rambling devolved into a wordless string of noises as he jumped into the river, stomping around and sending up plumes of sparkling water around the two ponies.
The mint-colored stallion froze, suddenly noticing the pink pony, who was still obliviously splashing about; giggling and laughing all the while. “Ah bah whah fwah?” he managed before the cotton candy colored mane splashed a wave of water into his face.
“Come on!” Pinkie Pie shouted, still bouncing in place, the fox-like mask strapped to the side of her head bobbing up and down along with her mane. A black and pink checkered suit covered her body, tiny bells at the end of each hoof, and a larger bell hung from the end of her tail, held in place by an even bigger pink bow. “Why’d you stop? This is so much fun! Weeeeee!” With that, she belly-flopped into the river, emerging a few feet downstream to continue her antics.
“I…” The stallion stood still, shaking the water from his face. “Hang on. No, hold it. Why is this being a thing?”
“Um… excuse me.”
The unicorn whirled around to face the new, surprisingly soft, voice. The pale yellow pegasus stood a little ways away, crossing her forelegs awkwardly. A simple white hooded robe was draped over her, with gold lace around the edging. Slung over her back was a cloth saddlebag on one side, the faint smell of various animal feeds emanating from it, and a wooden shepherd's crook with a simple brass bell hanging from it. “Sorry to interrupt you, sir, but… did you, by any chance, say Discord?”
“I, uh…” The cyan stallion shook his head, clearing his head. “Yes, I, uh, suppose I did. Yes.” He glanced down, suddenly very aware of how wet his cloak and tunic was; the feather on his cap drooping comically over his nose. “I seem to be a bit damp.”
Fluttershy glanced away, nodding slightly. “Sorry,” she muttered.
“What? No no, I jumped into the river. It’s not your fault in the slightest. I- GUWAHG.”
The stallion suddenly found himself tackle-hugged at high speeds, launching himself out of the river on the wings of a hyperactive party pony. “Isn’t this great, Fluttershy?” Pinkie Pie said, forelegs wrapped around the stallion’s neck. “You were just talking about how you were hoping we found somepony else out here, and then we find Minty Fresh here dancing in the river and shouting at Discord! Do you think he got invited to play Caverns and Cutie Marks by him just like us? That’d be so cool, ‘cause it’s like now we have more ponies to play with! It’s like a massively multipony on-”
“Pinkie,” Fluttershy interrupted softly, panic setting in on her face, “I don’t think he can breathe with you like that.”
The stallion nodded vigorously, his cyan face turning more blue than green by the moment.
“Whoopsy! Sorry about that, Minty!” Pinkie untangled herself from the unicorn’s neck, bouncing over to stand next to Fluttershy. “Sometimes when I meet somepony new, especially somepony who’s doing something fun like you were, I just get so excited that I have to give them a great big hug!” Her voice reached a fever pitch near the end, and she reached out for a second breath-stealing embrace.
The unicorn dodged out of the way, sending the pink pony stumbling past with a sharp squeal and a splash. “My name’s not Minty Fresh! It’s Wits End!” He froze, eyebrows narrowing. “Wait, no. It’s Wits End. Wits End! WitsendwitsendwitsendwitsGAAAAH.” He turned away, shaking a forehoof at the sky. “DISCOOOOOOOOORD!”
After a moment to calm himself again, he turned back to the two mares. “Yes. Apparently, it’s Wits End. Howdoyado?” Wits End brushed the feather of his cap back up out of his face, starting a mental document of things he’d do the next time he could get his hands on Discord.
“Um… Good, I guess.” Fluttershy shuffled nervously, not sure what to make of the mint-colored pony.
Wits End stood, his mind racing as he tried to figure out the best next step. He was in a world populated by pastel-colored ponies. Okay, that’s fine enough, as long as he didn’t have to relearn basic things like how to walk or talk; and given his earlier tantrum in the river, he seemed to have both quick under his control.
The thing that irked him most at this particular moment, Discord’s shenanigans notwithstanding, was that he couldn’t quite place where in the series he had been inserted, or if this version of the pony-verse was anything like the one he knew about. He’d have to keep an eye out for any hints as to when he was…
In any case, he decided that revealing his true identity as a potentially alien creature would probably go over poorly. Better to pretend to be clueless. “So, who’re you two?”
Fluttershy looked away, her bangs sliding over her eye, muttering something in reply.
A shudder made its way down Wits End’s spine, an involuntary smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. “Sorry, didn’t quite catch that.”
“I didn’t think she dropped anything!” Pinkie Pie interrupted, suddenly appearing in the middle of his vision. “Her name’s Fluttershy! And I’m Pinkie Pie, party-planning pony extraordinaire! It’s nice to meet ya, Minty Witty!”
Wits End’s beginnings of a smile fell, knowing that his chance to hear Fluttershy’s squeak had been ruined. “And destroyer of moments,” he muttered under his breath. “And it’s not Minty Witty, either,” he said. “It’s Wits End.”
“Wits End?” The pink pony asked, her head tilted almost 90 degrees to one side. “But that name’s so… weird.”
“...You’re named after a color and a dessert.”
“I don’t see your point.”
“...Forget it. I-” A scream pierced the air, punctuated by a muffled thud. Wits End’s head jerked toward the sound, one ear twitching slightly. “That scream sounds familiar…”
“Oh…” Fluttershy said softly, her wings ruffling slightly. “I hope whoever that was is alright.”
“Well, let’s go check it out!” Pinkie Pie started hopping at top speed towards the source of the scream, humming a merry tune as the distance between her and the other two ponies increased.
“Wha- Wait, Pinkie!” Fluttershy futilely reached a hoof toward the retreating pony. “Oh… I should go with her. She might get in trouble.”
“Mind if I tag along?” Wits End asked. “I’m not particularly keen on being out here on my own either.”
“Oh, uh… Okay. I mean, if you don’t mind.”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I did mind.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“It’s not- Let’s follow your friend and make sure she’s okay.”
Fluttershy nodded, following behind the unicorn. The two of them crested the hill Pinkie had disappeared behind, spotting the pink mare at the bottom; the hill being more steep on the other side. There were more scatterings of trees here, getting denser and denser until it turned into a proper scary forest. “Charming,” Wits End muttered, half trotting, half sliding down the hill to catch up; Fluttershy gliding down nearby. “Hey! Wait for us!”
Pinkie Pie looked back, giggling as the two landed behind her. “Why wait, silly? It’s not like there’s anything around here to worry about!” She turned around, and walked snout-first into something hard and chitinous. “What? Who put this bug here?”
The three ponies looked up in unison, taking in the sight of the giant creature. It turned around on its eight segmented legs, a pair of oversized claws clicking angrily as its many eyes focused in on the ponies that had disturbed it. With a hiss, it raised its barbed tail over its body, a drop of venom forming a deadly bead at its tip.
Wits End swallowed hard, several drops of sweat forming on his forehead. “Big bug…”
“You have encountered a Giant Scorpion,” a voice boomed, sounding suspiciously similar to Discord’s voice. A grid of squares formed over the ground around them, the three ponies each in their own square. The scorpion took up four squares on its own, a pair of bars appearing over its head. “Combat is joined.”
In between the ponies and the scorpion, a list of numbers floated, each one with a name associated with it. At the top was Pinkie Pie’s name, followed by Fluttershy’s, Wits End’s, and finally ‘Giant Scorpion’.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Wits End growled, shifting slightly in place.
Fluttershy let out a squeak, turning in place to run. She managed to get less than an inch before colliding with an invisible wall. “What’s going on? What is this thing?”
“I’ll help you, Fluttershy!” Pinkie shouted, hopping towards her friend. Her face pressed against the edge of another invisible barrier, small grunts of exertion escaping her. “What’s up with this wall?”
“Save your energy,” Wits End groaned, rubbing the point where his horn met his forehead with a hoof. “Turn list, combat grid, random encounter with a giant scary monster; we’re in a RPG. What’d Discord call it? Cutie Marks and Crusaders?”
“It’s Caverns and Cutie Marks,” Pinkie Pie corrected, calmed down slightly seeing that the invisible barrier protected them from the scorpion. “And how do you know what game Discord chose?”
“We can have a nice comfortable interrogation later,” Wits End snapped back. “For now, let’s try and not get murdered by an irate arachnid. First of all, Pinkie, can you-”
“I kick the scorpion!” The pink pony let out a high-pitched battle cry, cartwheeling toward the the chitinous foe as a red arrow appeared above it. Her back hooves collided with its right claw, causing it to recoil slightly with a short shreek. As she landed on all fours, a small fanfare sounded, with the words ‘Critical Hit’ appearing over the scorpion’s body. “Yeah! That’ll show it!”
The green bar over it shrunk slightly, barely enough to be noticed. Pinkie’s smile fell as her name moved to the bottom of the list. “Oh.”
“Yeah,” Wits End drolled, “You sure showed it who’s the boss ponies around here. I am in awe as to the incredible way you showed it. It has been shown, and you are the show-er.”
“I thought that was the point of this game!” Pinkie Pie said, her voice reaching a new peak. “To hit them and make them fall down!”
Wits End shook his head, the feather in his cap waving slightly behind. “You’ve gotta have some tactics behind it! Just running in and hitting things with a stick is a sure-fire way to get the stuffing beaten out of you.”
Pinkie turned to the unicorn, pressing her face as close to his as she could with the barrier between them. “And I suppose you’ve done this before, have you?”
“I have!” He pressed his own head against the barrier, their foreheads separated by less than an inch of air. “Kind of! On a smaller, less deadly scale!”
Pinkie Pie blinked. “Well, fine!”
“Fine!”
Fluttershy tapped on the barrier around her, eliciting a dull thump. “Um, mister End?”
Wits End blinked, his face falling back into its normal expression. “Yes, Fluttershy?”
“Do you think you could get us out of this without anypony getting hurt?”
He glanced up at the scorpion, his eyebrows narrowing as he sized it up. “More than likely.”
“The scorpion too?” Fluttershy shuffled nervously. “Could you do this without hurting Mr. Scorpion too?”
“Uh…” Wits End looked back and forth between the deadly arachnid and the adorable pony. “Sure, why not. I’ve seen enough encounters ruined by players. Should be able to put something together.”
Fluttershy nodded. “Then what do we do?”
Wits End thought for a moment, one hoof making motions in the air in front of him. “Okay. Fluttershy? Make a Knowledge Nature check to determine the scorpion’s challenge rating.”
“...A what?”
“This whole thing seems to be voice-activated. Just say what I said.”
“Okay…” Fluttershy looked up at the sky, or possibly the scorpion’s tail. “I make a… Knowledge Nature check? To, um, determine Mr. Scorpion’s challenge rating?” Several seconds passed before the word ‘Success’ appeared in-between Fluttershy and the scorpion. A moment later, a number appeared next to the bars: 10.
Wits End swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “Challenge rating of ten, huh? That’s… That’s a big bug.”
“Is that all I can do now?” Fluttershy asked.
“Doesn’t look like it,” Wits End replied, pointing a hoof at the turn list. Fluttershy’s name was still at the top. “I guess we’re level one. Can’t tell what classes we are, though. Hey!” he shouted at the sky. “What classes are the three of us?”
Fluttershy blinked in surprise. “I… I think I’m a Druid. But, how do I know that?”
Wits End shrugged, now feeling a bit silly that he asked the sky for information rather than someone actually there. “If I had to guess, Discord put the character sheet information into our heads. Or something like that.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “Mimic? Have to figure out what that is later. Pinkie Pie, what’re-”
“I’m a Jester!”
“Thanks. So we’ve got two homebrew classes. Gonna have to do some research later. Anyway.” He looked back to Fluttershy. “You should have Wild Empathy as a class ability. Try using it on the Scorpion.”
Fluttershy blinked, her head spinning with everything the unicorn was saying. “What?”
“It’s just like the Knowledge check. Just say ‘I use Wild Empathy on the Sco-’” He stopped, mentally correcting himself. “‘-on Mr. Scorpion.’”
Fluttershy nodded, focusing hard on trying to remember everything. “I use Wild Empathy on Mr. Scorpion.” She leaned closer, intensifying her gaze on the scorpion’s eyes. “You’re going to love me, aren’t you?” she whispered.
A tense moment passed before the Discord-like voice returned. “Fluttershy has explained to the Giant Scorpion that she means it no harm. The Giant Scorpion is no longer aggressive towards Fluttershy.”
“Yes~!” Wits End made a motion with a foreleg that would have been a fist-pump if he had arms and hands.
“However,” the Discord-alike continued, “the Giant Scorpion is still angry at the other two for attacking it and invading its territory. Combat continues.” Fluttershy’s name moved to the bottom of the list, under Pinkie Pie’s.
Wits End blanched. “Less yes.”
Fluttershy fidgeted in her square. “What happened?”
“I think the random number gods don’t want us the get out of this so easily.” 
Pinkie Pie looked up, distracted from teasing a field mouse with her tail. “Well, now what’d we do?”
“It’s my turn…” Wits End swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. Okay, me, he thought, staring down the chitinous beast. It’s hero time. Time to pull an anime character and do some sort of super amazing special attack that finishes this in one blow. There’s no way any of us can take a hit from that thing and survive at level one, so you’ve really gotta make this one count! Let’s do this! He focused his attention inward, trying to call on whatever spell or ability list his class had.
There was only one option listed.
“Not exactly the wide array I was hoping for,” the unicorn muttered, “but I guess it’ll do the job.” He swept forward, pointing dramatically at the scorpion. “I use Learning on Mr. Sco- I mean the Giant Scorpion!”
The Discord-alike’s voice boomed. “‘Learning’ is a passive ability, and cannot be used actively in battle. The selected action is illegal, and Wits End’s turn continues.”
All ponies were silent for several minutes, each one frozen in place. Eventually, Pinkie Pie spoke up. “So, what sort of super special awesome thing were you expecting a move called ‘Learning’ to do?”
Wits End was still frozen in place, his expression one of grim embarrassment. “I honestly don’t know what I expected.”
“So, um,” Fluttershy looked between the two ponies, “now what?”
Wits End dropped his pose, staring at the ground. He was pretty sure that Mimic was a spellcasting class, and just doing a normal attack wouldn’t even have as much of an effect on the scorpion as Pinkie Pie’s. If he couldn’t end the encounter now, then someone, or somepony, was going to be hurt.
There was one other option he’d seen while mentally searching the list. It would affect everyone, and there was no guarantee that it would work, but it was the only way they had a chance. “Alright,” he growled, “I’ve made up my mind.”
Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy gasped. Even the scorpion looked worried—well, as worried as something with no possible facial expressions could look. Wits End looked up, a glint in his eye. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for his next move.
“I use Retreat for the whole party!” he shouted in a rush.
“What?” Fluttershy squeaked.
“What?” Pinkie Pie asked.
The giant scorpion seemed confused.
“A Retreat action has been used,” the Discord-alike stated calmly, the grid and turn list vanishing into thin air. 
The three ponies and the arachnid stood frozen for a moment, suddenly freed from the invisible barriers that separated them.
Pinkie Pie pawed at the air around her. “So… Now there’s no big invisible walls in the way. What’d we do about Mr. Scorpion?”
“The only rational thing there is to do, Pinkie,” Wits End said. “Run away!”
The three ponies broke into a gallop, shooting away from the giant scorpion, and the forest the scream had come from. After a moment to process what had happened, the scorpion let out a hiss, skittering after them as they crested a hill.
“This is your plan?” Pinkie Pie screeched, her bells ringing madly as she ran.
“You got a better one?” Wits End replied, his robe fluttering behind him.
“Well… no.”
“Fluttershy? Any suggestions?”
“Um…” Fluttershy was half-running, half-flying to keep up with the other two ponies. “No?”
“Then keep running!”