Blackadder of Equestria

by Doctor Parker


My Little Modest Proposal: Friendship is Cannibalism

"Wot?" Baldrick was surprised; few ever had the guts to question the authority of George Blueblood, their Bishop-Prince.

Blackadder went into a deep and dark part of his mind: "I went to school with Blueblood. I think I know how to deal with him" Blackadder thought out loud. His hooves were together, his eyebrows furrowed, as they often were when in deep thought. “Blueblood, as I recall, can be stubborn, unless sufficiently bribed, or is in a relationship with somebody more intelligent than himself, which is usually the case anyway when he actually is in a relationship...” Then, breaking out of his own meditation, be declared with confidence: "Baldrick, I have a cunning plan of my own" Blackadder explained. "I'm going to Prince Blueblood myself and give him a piece of my mind."

Baldrick was touched: "Awwww, you're very generous sir, 'cos he don't got any!"

Blackadder turned to Baldrick, an eyebrow cocked high: "Baldrick, I applaud your kind heart, I really do, but I did not mean that literally. If I could literally give people small slices of my mind to others for thinking power, then we wouldn't be a theocracy and you would never say 'I have a cunning plan' and give me the equivalent of a swine-trollop of an idea." Only in Equestria could a pig be considered suitable for prostitution.

Baldrick sounded a little disappointed: "Well, thas' too bad, 'cos I got a cunning plan of me own, actually."

Blackadder rolled his eyes: "Oh dear. Fine, fine, do tell."

"Well, I figured that if we just used magic to get a fragment of your mind, and give it to our dear George Blueblood-" Baldrick was cut off by Blackadder using magic to toss a shoe at him.

Baldrick was indeed rather sad that Blackadder would do this; after all, he was only trying to help! "But he don't got a mind and I figgered that if we'd give him just a piece of yours, then he'd be all better!"

"Baldrick, I function at the level I do because I have all my mind in my head. Frankly, that's one thing you can't expect me to be generous about."

Baldrick began to sputter in protest: "Well we have to do somethin'! This town's a wreck and you got no money!"

Blackadder gave a defeated nod and sigh. "Yes Baldrick. I mean, look at us! Look at our city! Look at me! Once we had money and diseases. Now we just have diseases."

"So how do we break up your mind-"

"WE ARE NOT MESSING WITH MY MIND!!" Blackadder shouted. "But I went to school with Blueblood; I could probably convince him that there might be something 'cool' about making it easier to live in Equestria. He might claim it as his idea, with one of his 'tally-hos' and make it so"

"Where does he reside m'Lord?"

"I don't know Baldrick, you tell me!"

Baldrick shrugged "Blueblood lives just about wherever he wants, but he's often sighted at the Lunar Castle."

"Good, we shall go there....wait a minute" Blackadder stated with a cock of his eyebrow.

"What is it m'Lord?" Baldrick asked.

Blackadder pointed at him accusingly with a single hoof: "You yourself said you didn't know!"

Baldrick shrugged "Sometimes I know sir, and sometimes I don't."

Baldrick however, after an extremely awkward pause, gave him a reminder, a reminder that would create more than enough problems and chaos to his plans.
"Did you check the mail, m'Lord?"

"C'mon Baldrick, you know perfectly well how the mail comes to us." Blackadder said with a reluctantly accepting sigh, looking towards the roof.

Baldrick's memory seemed to fail him. "How's that m'Lord?"

Suddenly, from the window on the roof, the closest thing to a sunroof Blackadder ever truly had (but almost useless, as the sun seldom shined over Dunny-on-Pone), something crashed downwards, and the falling of numerous pieces of glass on the floor could be heard.

From the shattered rubble, a scratched and cut, but surprisingly healthy mare, rose. Her coat was grey, her mane and tail were as golden as her eyes, which were turning away from each other, a clear case of strabismus.

Blackadder sighed "Hello Derpy."

Derpy grinned: "Hello Mister Blackadder!"

With a roll of his eyes, Blackadder asked: "How many times do I have to warn you about my sunroof?"

"This is the first time you've had one!" she pouted.

Blackadder shook his head "No it isn't; it just seems that way to you because you break it every time."

Derpy, however, wasn't listening. She could only stare at Baldrick and giggle. Baldrick seemed to blush and grin sheepishly, with a feeble wave of his hoof.

Blackadder rolled his eyes up to his skull and moaned. "Oh dear, a match made in Hell."

Derpy heard this, and began to sputter: "Um, yeah, uh, I really should be g-going!" She tried to wobble her way out of the house, but couldn't stop looking at Baldrick, and bumped into a wall. Baldrick immediately became deeply concerned! "Mistress Derpy! Are you okay!!"

Derpy could only give a wall-eyed stare at Baldrick: "I'm always okay when you're around."

Blackadder was studying the contents of the mail bag, as Derpy was just about to leave it behind again. "Oh great, just what Equestria needs; another fish-eyed, fish-brained, flying little mule flitting about dropping fertilizer everywhere while braying ‘special delivery’."
Derpy somehow became a little more uncomfortable: "Oh, well, uh, I have to be leaving now!!" She stumbled to the door.

"Derpy?" Blackadder inquired.

"W-what?" Derpy asked almost tearfully, wondering if she could take any more of this.

Blackadder held up the mailbag with a most exasperated expression. "You forgot your mailbag again."

Derpy was almost relieved that was all Blackadder had to say. "O-oh! Yeah, yes, I, um, need that."

Baldrick gently shut the door with his muzzle, not that there was much reason too, for other than the door hinges, a lot of the doorway was smashed by the Fat Bastard, and so the door hardly stayed in place. Then he turned around angrily at Blackadder: "How come you always spoil it! Every time I get to meet a nice filly? Why do you ruin my life?"

Blackadder sighed. "Baldrick, the day you learned that ponies don't reproduce asexually ruined my life."

Baldrick kept scowling: “Yeah, I nearly cut myself in two to create another Baldrick!”

“I know, a shame you didn’t, isn’t it? We’d be one Baldrick short, and nothing of value would be lost” Blackadder began to read the same letter he helped himself to from the bag. "Ah! It's from Princess Celestia!" he chirruped happily. However, as he kept reading, his expression changed into a most distressed face. "Baldrick, she wants me to come to Canterlot posthaste" he declared in a grim tone. Baldrick already protested this: "But you can't go to Canterlot now!! You promised all those ponies that you would fix their lives!"

Blackadder nodded grimly. "Yes Baldrick, I know. I can't let whatever Princess Sunbutt wants distract me from my mission! This is a crisis, a large crisis...in fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-story crisis with a magnificent entrance hall carpeting throughout 24-hour portage and an enormous sign on the roof saying 'This is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan....

....Now get me two pencils, and a pair of underpants."

Baldrick's face morphed into one that seemed to say "I thought I was the weird one." Blackadder, however, spat out "Do it man!" So Baldrick rummaged through the drawers

When Baldrick presented the pencils and briefs, he had to sigh, shrug, and ask: "I still don't get it though; why'd you wanna do this?"

"Thinking of Blueblood reminded me of an idea of his: This is an old trick I picked up in when I was in boarding school in Canterlot to get away with late homework, and to get to see my...oh, never mind, we'll talk about it later."

"Who gave you that idea anyway? Wait...you said 'Blueblood,' right? Did my ears deceive me?"

Blackadder was more sheepish. "Well, uh, yes, you did hear it right. It was Blueblood's, actually."

"And what makes you think any idea of Blueblood’s, even from when he was a foal, is going to work?" Baldrick had a point: Virtually any and every idea of George Blueblood's ended in catastrophe. Hence the current state of Dunny-on-Pone.

"Look Baldrick, just roll with it! Anyway, we tell Celestia that I've gone insane, and she will probably ask somebody else to do her dirty work, and thus I can go on my quest to reason with Blueblood without any interference, we'll arrange things so that it seemed like I got invalided before you can say 'ab-wooble', just like any other gormless idiot!"

Baldrick took on a sad, concerned, and protesting tone. "Well, I'm a gormless idiot sir, and I've never been invalided once!"

Blackadder took on a more patient and teacherly tone than Baldrick's: "Ah, yes my dear Baldrick, but you've never said 'ab-wooble'!"

Baldrick was thoroughly confused, but he decided to try this out: "Your name sir?"

With enthusiasm, Blackadder declared: "Wibble!"

Baldrick's expression never lost any skepticism. "What is two plus two?"

Almost as a scoff, Blackadder said "Wubble-wubble!"

Baldrick had a little more confidence in him now: "Where do you live?"

Blackadder forced as much confidence as he could muster in his answer: "Canterlot, which is a small village outside the capital of Mars...which is named Wooble."

Baldrick took it in and shrugged: "Seems insane enough to me...I guess."

Blackadder gave a sniff of overwhelming confidence. "Trust me, it always works! Now, I shall write a letter!"

“Well without Derpy, how are you to send it!”

Blackadder took on a more sinister tone “The way I prefer to do it…”

“Oh no, not frobbscrottle!” Frobscrottle was drink that was originally a soft drink gone horribly wrong, but it miraculously had some usefulness, because it now became a way of turning a pony into a substitute for a dragon; one was to write a letter, use a spell to convert it into a magical self-rebuilding powder, and then mix it with the frobbscrottle. Once swallowed, the frobbscrottle would cause a pony to pass the letter, by passing gas, to the intended destination. However, the process was extremely painful. That’s why Baldrick did it.

And so he did:

Dear Mommy #2.

Bad newooble. I have gone blinking mad. I can't seem towable get these pencils out of my nose.

With lots of love,
Wibble.

Blackadder then magically converted the letter to powder form, mixed it with the frobbscrottle and then he shoved it down Baldrick's throat; poor Baldrick felt a pain in his guts; eventually, out of the other end, Baldrick's flatuence carried the sparkling dust to Canterlot. Now came the tension. Baldrick knew that the responding letter would come out the same way. It felt like forever...Baldrick almost had a hope that he could fart another day instead but - the pain in his guts again, the excruciating pain! He then gave out flatulence that produced a bound letter, and Blackadder began to read it out loud:

"My dearest Saddlemund,

Get those pencils out of your nose! You're going to suffocate!! Take those underpants off of your head! You look ridiculous, and you're not fooling anypony. It was cute when you were a foal, but as an adult, you just look silly! Now you are going straight to Canterlot young man!

With many hugs and kisses,
Celestia

P.S.
No amounts of "wooble" or any variation of such will save you.

P.P.S.
Next time, if you're going to put men's underwear on your head, better make it boxers; briefs make really stupid headwear and I like a man in boxers."

When Blackadder finished reading it, he was looking very grim indeed.

Baldrick just looked pleased and smug: "There it is sir! Proof that our divine child of Galaxia herself is telepathic and therefore a goddess!" He had many arguments with heretics who questioned the divinity of their Princess; he was now so smug, because he officially had proof that their Princess as truly descended from the gods.

Blackadder sulkily shook his head: "No, it's just proof I used it too many times as a colt. Blast! That trick always seemed to work in school!"

And it didn't work without reason, but not for the reason that Blackadder believed.

***

Blackadder learned that trick from his boarding school, from his own roommate Blueblood, in fact, just as he told it. However, he was wrong about one thing:

It never actually worked. Celestia simply found it too cute to stop that behavior, and she also perfectly understood why: Blackadder only wanted to see his parents again. Celestia remembered one day that she was informed that Blackadder had gone insane, and could no longer attend school. Curious about the subject, she trotted straight to his room, and was greeted by little Blueblood: "Come quickly!" he shouted. "He's gone blarming mad!"

Celestia opened the door, and by the window, there he was, the cute, scruffy-looking gray colt with two pencils in his nose and a pair of tighty-whities on his head. Celestia already tried to stifle a giggle: "Saddlemund, I've been informed that you're not feeling well; can you tell me what's wrong?"

Little Blackadder was at a loss of words: "Uh...Winky wonkey namby pamby wish wosh pish posh wot wot wot!!"

There was a pause. Blackadder tried to think of something to fully convince her that he was mentally unstable, and came up with the most random sound he could think of:
"Ab-wooble!"

Celestia covered her mouth at this to hide her grin and suppress her laughter: "Oh my, you are insane indeed! I fear I have little choice on the matter: I shall send you back home at once!"

Now tremendously excited, little Blackadder tried to find the right words. "Oh yes! -Uh, oh wooble!! WOOOOBLE!!!!"

As soon as Celestia shut the door, she found it almost impossible not to chuckle when she heard him shout to Blueblood: “You were right George! It does work!”

“Now I shall use it to get out of homework! Tally-ho!!” Blueblood’s voice chimed.

Celestia trotted away quickly enough to keep them from hearing her melodious laughter.

Celestia discussed things with the same teacher, the potions master, who told her about this:
"The boy rarely sees his parents, the Blackadders, even at home. They...they're going through much of the same relationship problems as Prince Blueblood's; they've been cheating on each other, and now they're going through a divorce. They don't want our little Blackadder to find out how unhappy they are, and often send him away, and that's why he goes to boarding school; sadly, they've done a good job at hiding their unhappiness from him, and so he doesn't understand why they send him away, until he told Blueblood. Blueblood's had some experience with divorce, and told Blackadder all about it, and now Saddlemund's worried. He misses his parents and fears the worst, because they didn't tell him."

Wolfsbane the potions master considered this for a moment, and then she asked: "Why are you letting him go? Wouldn't it hurt less if you just told him the truth as soon as possible?"

Celestia sadly sighed and shook her head, not sure how to handle children from a background like Blackadder's. "Maybe, but I don't want to loose his trust; should he be told this; he may refuse to believe me, and then...he’ll never listen to me again." And that thought troubled Celestia more than any.

***

Baldrick remembered what was in the letter, and he decided to give his own opinion on it. "I don't know about you, but I don't think she really bought it even back then. Musta been too cute to discourage."

"How would you know?" Blackadder asked with an eyebrow cocked upwards.

Baldrick then paused, and he seemed to look around, as if he was searching for the right words. "There is a faint chance of a small possibility that I almost could be some colt's father through a prostitute!"

Blackadder smiled warmly, seeing the sincerity in his eyes. "I hate to say this Baldrick, but I think you're right; so, who is this hapless spawn of yours? Baldrick son of Baldrick the prostitute?"

Baldrick, having got that off his chest, was now more open about this kind of thing: "He could be...or my brother's. Hard to say."

"I see...and what's your brother's name?"

"Baldrick" Baldrick answered simply.

Blackadder replied "Oh yes, I might have known" speaking with an unsurprised tone. He mused at this moment, thinking about his father, and Baldrick's possible fatherhood. "Baldrick?"

"Yes m'Lord?"

Blackadder was thinking about his childhood. "What was your father like?"

Baldrick thought long and hard to give a good answer to his question. "He was a nun sir!"

Blackadder cocked an eyebrow again: "He could not have been a nun!"

"He was too a nun!" Baldrick protested with a childlike tone. "I know 'cos the bailiff always asked him what his job was, and he'd always say 'none'!"

Blackadder knew better than to argue with Baldrick. "Well, I fear that I'll have to tell the truth to the rest of the town."

He opened the door, taking his steps hesitantly, because he feared to disappoint his own people. Already outside, he could hear the forecast from Baldrick the town cry-colt:
"Today, plague is predicted!
Tomorrow, plague!
The day after tomorrow: Plague!
The day after that? Plague, with a fifty-percent chance of pestilence and famine coming at 25 miles per hour!"

Hearing this was even harder still for Blackadder; it would break his hardened, brittle heart, to be the one to tell them that they were to continue their lives in misery. Mustering his courage, Blackadder decided to hop back onto the podium: "I'm afraid that I already have bad news! Princess Celestia has decided that I must assist her for the Summer Solstice! I'm afraid my plans with Prince Blueblood will be delayed, until some time after the Summer Solstice is over!"

He expected an angry mob, but they seemed nothing of the sort: Rather, they seemed grimly acceptant, willing to bear their fates just a little bit longer, perhaps because they lived like this for decades, and were in no hurry for improvement. Baldrick the eldest, the oldest living Baldrick besides Baldrick the Batshit, raised his hoof.

"Yes, what is it?" Blackadder asked.

"I have a cunning plan" Baldrick the elder said.

Blackadder groaned "A Baldrick with a cunning plan. Who knew? Do tell."

"Get two pencils, and a pair of underpants-" he was cut off by a green magic laser from Blackadder's horn.

***

In the Lunar Castle, Prince Blueblood stirred and yawned in that mess he called his bed. He awoke most sickly, for he drank himself out of his mind again. His butler stood by, holding a round tin tray with one hoof, and like Blueblood he was a Unicorn, and he said: "I took the liberty to anticipate your condition, and have brought you orange juice and aspirin...but do please regurgitate first." Blueblood simply stretched and whimpered: "My tummie aches."

The Butler also planned for this: "I also have got you your washbasin: Fear not, it's empty. You can blow chunks there as much as you like." Blueblood was indeed grateful for this: "Thank you my Butler. Ah! I look forward to the banquet of the Summer Solstice! Did you know that this castle once belonged to the Great Nightmare Moon, or so they say?"

"I thought you, like all nobles, were a Galaxian priest, and you fully believed it" the Butler pointed out, scarcely surprised at all.

Blueblood spoke with the enthusiasm of a magician impressing an audience. "Butler what's-your-name, the first thing you have to know is that when you're a priest, you don't need to always believe it! You can take it seriously on Mondays when it is not our custom to have sex, and you can forsake it all on Saturdays when it is our custom to have sex!"

"That is very liberating my liege" the butler replied. "Why not tell this new form of hypocrisy to your subjects?"

Blueblood scoffed and gave a dismissive gesture: "Oh, those horny buggers need to keep it in their pants! The economic plans I set up don't seem to be working-”

“-You mean make everybody equally miserable?” the Butler cut in.

“Yes, something like that!” Blueblood affirmed. “By making the rich less rich, obviously, the poor should be rich instead, but this isn’t happening, so the only obvious solution to my problem is that there's too many of them!"

"What do you propose to do about it?" The Butler almost eagerly anticipated the inevitable stupidity behind the answer.

Blueblood was almost disgusted that anybody had to ask such a question. "Simple! We give them a modest proposal and advise them all to sell their children below age nine as pricy goods fit for the Galaxian church!"

"You know, you may have forgotten my Lord, but they did away with equine slavery over 200 years ago, though some provinces have made 'lesser citizens' of true ungulates such as pigs, cows, and sheep." Indeed, Ponyville was famous for lesser citizenship to anything with two or four hooves instead of one or three. It was said that if a bull looked upon a mare for even a little while, he'd be accused of planning on defiling her, and all the stallions would go punish him for his evil thoughts, for a union of bull and mare was, according to them, against Tau Sunflare's plan. So they'd proceed to put on some bed sheets that made them look like retarded ghosts, tar and feather him, mutiliate the thingies behind his thingie, hang him, and then stick the body to a cross and burn it, as a warning to the only thing they hated as much as bulls, the Lunar denomination of the Galaxic Church (most Equestrians were of the Celestial denomination of the Galaxic church).

The next day, prime rib would be on the menus, though it might sometimes be a bit burnt. And it would taste a bit of tar.

Blueblood however was not thinking of anything of the sort: "Oh pooh! Who said anything about slavery? I was proposing using children for vendoring as groceries! Give the butchers something new to give!"

"Are you suggesting that we...eat...the children, sir?" he heard many strange things from the Prince's mouth; this was the strangest one since he tried gargling cola to the tune of Yankee Doodle on an airplane while suffering mild throat cancer. As a result he sounded like Batmane.

There was no end to the Prince's enthusiasm "Oh now butler, you make it sound so...so...barbaric!" His tone changed back to his usual cheery tone: "But absolutely! It's far less mouths to feed, and the poor make money selling them!"

"You know, the funny thing is, cannibalism is frowned upon in most societies" the Butler said, clearly annoyed.

"And that's what makes Equestria stand out! We believe in the things the rest of the world daren't!"

The Butler then tried not to laugh. "Is that why the rest of the world hates us?"

"Yes, because they're jealous!"

The Butler was hesitant: "Well, with the Changeling Empire, that may be, but I'm not so sure about-"

"Oh come on! They're all jealous! And because of this, my economic policies will surely work!"

"Are you sure they don't work simply because they aren't good ideas under even the most Apocalyptic circumstances?" Blueblood glared at him, so the butler whose name Blueblood could never remember did a swift save: "Well, in theory." Blueblood's fragile ego was partly saved, and he confirmed: "Well, if they aren't good ideas, then obviously, we shall make them good ideas!"

"And how do you propose that? I wasn't aware you had reality-shaping powers" the butler grumbled.

Blueblood had no shortage of enthusiasm. "Why, we write about it in a book! If it's in a book, many good professors will consider it worth citing, many masses will consider it true, and the media will spread all the ideas!"

"If writing random lunacies in a book somehow automatically makes it true, then I'm glad you're the first to have thought of it" the Butler sighed.

Blueblood was almost oblivious to the Butler's suppressed wrath. "Oh trust me, as soon as it's on a book, any bullshit becomes a widely cited fact! Das Capital! Thus Spoke Zarathrustra, Mein Kempf! On Practice and Contradiction! Scientology: The History of Man! Dreams of my Father! The Dictionary! It's like I said! As soon as it's in a book, any bullshit is considered fact!"

The Butler admitted to himself, with a fading faith in ponykind, that Blublood almost had a pount. "Sadly sir, this is very, very true. However, I think many might point out that most of these books only exist in the silly fictional universe in the show My Little Human: Friendship is Bullshit, and that there might be some proof behind the 'bullshit' that you claim the dictionary is."

"Haha! See how well it works?" Blueblood asked with a scoff.

The Butler suffered from what he feared would prove a most unhealthy curiosity. "What do you suppose your book shall be called?"

"I was thinking something along the lines of...Tally-Ho, my Good Arseheads! I was Right and You were Wrong! Haha!"

"I hope you were merely foretelling the future and not stating the title of your book."

Blueblood got a little pouty: "Should I remove the 'Haha'?"

"Perhaps, my liege."

The Bishop-Prince officially produced the Royal Pout: "But I can keep the 'Tally-Ho'?"

His butler sighed: "Sure, if you wish. That book shall certainly be a Manehatten Times best-seller!"

Blueblood knew insincerity when he heard it, though at least if it was from somepony who made it no secret he was being insincere; however (which from him, was a first): "I may need a new butler" he concluded to himself.