//------------------------------// // An Honest Lunatic // Story: Swapped : A WWE Crossover // by AzelTheMantis //------------------------------// Chapter 3: An Honest Lunatic “We take what we want! Diamond Tiara, we comin’ for you” – Apple Bloom, channeling her inner Booker T Triple Sparkle wasn’t expecting any of this at all. The last thing he remembered was being hit with some sort of wave from the strange purple vortex inside The Miz’s room. And now, much to his dismay, he was probably still knocked out or in some lucid dream as he saw two weird-colored ponies staring at him. “What the hell am I?!” he yelled again after he saw his reflection on a mirror. “What did you do to Twilight?” Applejack demanded, grabbing Mike Dash with a hoof, threatening to smash her other hoof right into the pegasus’ face. “Nothing. Looks like some poor sap’s switched minds with Twinkie”, Mike Dash smirked. He was totally unfazed by the dumb intimidation stance the one with the hat was taking. Well, on the plus side, he finally had someone he could talk normally with. “Stop callin’ her Twinkie!” Applejack shouted, her voice echoing around the hallways. “She really was pathetic”, Mike Dash continued to push the earth pony’s buttons further, “And I guess you can’t do anything useful either”, he added. For Applejack, that was the last straw. This unwanted visitor had managed to take away not one but two of her friends in a matter of minutes and not only that, he was extra rude as well as indecent as heck. He even dared to call Twilight useless and pathetic especially after all she had done for the good of everypony. “Why are you so rude, huh? Did we do anythin’ bad to you? You just came here and took away two of my best friends away”, Applejack almost teared up as she spoke those words, “And do you even know what Twilight did for everypony? You would dare to call her useless?” “Look Applejerk, I don’t give a damn about you and your little friends”, Mike Dash retorted, “And I sure as hell don’t give a damn about how useful or useless Twinkie is. She’d be better off dead as far as I’m concerned”. “You didn’t just—“, Applejack felt absolutely offended by the last comment. If Mike Dash didn’t choose his next words carefully, he was surely gonna get his block knocked off. “The same goes for you too”, he fixed his eyes on hers, wearing a genuine scowl on his face, “You don’t know how to fix all of this, do you?” “I-“, she stammered. She did not expect being asked a question like that. “Just as I thought. You’re hopeless and because of you, I’m stuck here and your precious friends will be lost forever!” he yelled right at her face. “Well, but I—“, Applejack tried to counter but she knew he was right. She had no knowledge on handling magical situations like this and as much as she hated to admit it, Mike Dash was right. She was useless. “Enough of this crap, go die in a hole”, Mike Dash said coldly, turning his back on the mare. “You’re a monster!!” Applejack screamed before she quickly galloped out of the room. She couldn’t take anymore of The Miz. She wanted to get out of his sight as soon as possible. Tears of despair formed in the corner of her eyes as the thoughts of never seeing Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle clouded her mind. “Mares”, Mike Dash chuckled at his success in driving the inquisitive pony away, “So, who the hell are you?” he asked Triple Sparkle who was frozen in shock for a few seconds. “What!? You can talk!?” Triple Sparkle yelled. “Yeah, yeah. I take it you’re a human too?” Mike Dash asked him his assumption. “Human? How did you....wait....” Triple Sparkle’s look of astonishment was replaced with a raised eyebrow and a less surprised tone, “…Miz?” he asked back. “Finally, someone who knows what awesome A-Lister I am”, he gave a sigh of relief. However, Triple Sparkle wasn’t amused one bucking bit. “What is the meaning of all this? What crazy crap is happening? And why do I sound like one of my daughters?” Triple Sparkle asked, pressing his forehead with Mike Dash’s. “Whoa.....Hunter? You’re Twinkie now?” Mike Dash snickered. The Cerebral Assassin...The King of Kings was now a damn pony and the girly voice was the cherry on top of the cake. What anyone wouldn’t pay to see and hear this. “Wipe that smirk off your face before I do it for you”, Triple Sparkle growled as he stood up from his grounded position. He tried walking on two legs but since he toppled over (much to The Miz’s delight) he resorted to going around on all fours like Mike Dash. “Uh...so does this mean I get to skip my match with The Ascension?” Mike Dash asked with some hope that the COO might say “yes”. “That’s not the main priority here, you asshole. We need to find a way to get back”, Triple Sparkle paced around, trying to figure out a solution to this predicament, “I’m not dreaming, am I?” he asked. “Nope. I found the truth out the hard way”, Mike Dash smiled nervously, remembering the little flight that almost knocked the wind right out of him. “If that is the case and if I really am a....pony...” Triple Sparkle groaned, “This is one screwed up problem. We need help to get out of this and you just scared one away”, he growled, referring to the argument Mike Dash and Applejack got in a few minutes before. “Hey, don’t blame me. I didn’t know she was that sensitive”, Mike Dash quickly countered. “She? That thing was a “she”?” Triple Sparkle raised an eyebrow. Things were becoming more messed up every passing second. “Yep, and worst of all, they have emotions”, Mike Dash shuddered a bit. “Anyway, just go and apologize. If we are going to get back home, we need someone who knows how to deal with situations like this”, Triple Sparkle demanded as he examined the portal near him. “Fine....” Mike Dash grumbled as he slowly trotted out of the room. He hated cleaning his messes up but he had no choice. Even if Trips was just a pony, he still managed to scare the shit right out of him. Meanwhile, back in the human world, inside The Miz’s room “Honey, are you feeling alright?” Stephanie asked as she placed the back of her hand on Twilight H’s forehead. “This is absolutely fascinating”, Twilight H smiled, slowly standing up and facing the others, “Wait, why does my voice sound so...so...masculine?”, she asked as she heard her voice more clearly. “Oh shit”, Damien mumbled, turning away and covering his face with his hands. “Is there a mirror?” Twilight H asked. She wanted to see what she looked like since she felt different from her normal human form. “Here”, Stephanie quickly handed her a mirror. “WHAT IN CELESTIA’S NAME AM I!?” Twilight H suddenly screamed as soon as she saw her reflection. She was a big burly human male with no hair on top and some mustache of sorts and she was also wearing a suit. “Either the big guy’s finally lost it or he’s got the same condition as you”, Damien whispered to Rainbow Miz. “That’s one way of explaining things”, Rainbow Miz simply replied, keeping her eyes fixed on Twilight H and Stephanie McMahon. “Hunter, what’s the matter?” Stephanie asked again, helping Twilight H get to her feet. It was probably the first time she heard her “husband” yell something out loud like that. “Uh-oh”, Twilight H gulped, “I’m sorry but there’s some misunderstanding”, she decided to explain what was happening to Stephanie since she was probably in her husband’s body, “You see, I’m not really your husband”. “What?” the three asked in unison. “Actually I’m an alicorn princess from Equestria and because of some dark magic, I switched minds with your husband who would be inside my body if my calculations are correct”, Twilight H replied. She was hoping for some understanding from Stephanie but she was kinda wrong. Stephanie was about to ask Twilight if this was a joke but she remembered that Hunter would never pull this kind of prank so her emotions quickly went from puzzled to furious. “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY HUSBAND!?” Stephanie screamed right in her face. Twilight H couldn’t help but cover her ears due to the sudden outburst. “Please Steph, calm down”, Damien pulled her back before she was able to smash a mirror over Twilight H’s head. “I’m sorry, miss. But if you want to get your husband back, you must do what I say, please”, Twilight H pleaded as she backed away to a safer distance. She sure as hell wasn’t gonna let some human hit her. “Calm down? After what you did to my husband?” Stephanie tried to wriggle free but she was unable to break away from Rainbow Miz and Damien’s grasps. “Please understand, the same thing must have happened to me and The Miz or whatever”, Rainbow Miz added. “What?” Stephanie asked, calming down a bit and ceasing her flailing. “It’s true”, Twilight H said, placing a comforting hand on Stephanie’s shoulder, “I promise, I will do anything to fix this”. “Hey, if you’re an alicorn princess then are you....” Rainbow Miz slowly pointed her finger towards Twilight H. “Wait...if you say The Miz switched bodies with you...” Twilight H stared into Rainbow Miz for a while before their mouths curled into a smile. “Twilight? Is that you?” Rainbow Miz asked as the two hugged each other, much to the amazement of Damien and Stephanie. “It’s me, Rainbow Dash. Good to see you’re doing well”, Twilight H replied. “Puh-lease, I’m awesome, it’s what I do”, Rainbow Miz smirked as they kept hugging each other. “Okay, now I’m a believer”, Stephanie finally admitted while Damien gently released her from his hold. “Same here”, Damien scratched his head as he sported a smile on his face. He would never imagine he’d see the day when The Miz and Triple H would hug each other. “Knock Knock, I’m coming in”, a grizzled man wearing a black hoodie suddenly entered the room without any prior warning. “Who the hay are you?” Rainbow Miz raised an eyebrow when she saw the man. “I heard some yelling. Is this a bad time?” Dean Ambrose asked with a smirk as soon as he saw the two wrestlers hugging each other. Dean Ambrose aka The Lunatic Fringe was one of the most unstable wrestlers in the history of professional wrestling as well as the longest reigning United States Champion under the WWE Banner. He was famous for his unhinged style of wrestling as well as his thirst for vengeance. There wasn’t a single sane person that would get on this wild dog’s side ‘cause once you were on Dean’s bad side, you’re gonna go down one way or another. “Ambrose, what the hell are you doing here?” Stephanie asked sternly, standing right in front of Twilight H and Rainbow Miz who had broken up their hug. “Told you, I heard some yelling”, Dean replied coolly, “So, why the heck were Big Nose and Hollywood Dropout hugging?” “It’s none of your business”, Stephanie growled. She wanted Ambrose out of the room before he could get what was happening. “Get out of here, Dean”, Damien added, trying to shove the Lunatic Fringe out of the room before he was kicked right in the gut, “Ow...that wasn’t a good idea...”, he groaned as he clutched his stomach. “You wanna try again, Idol Stevens?” Dean grinned while Rainbow Miz and Twilight H gasped, “What?” he shrugged before landing another kick to Mizdow’. “What’d you do that for?” Rainbow Miz quickly got right in Dean’s face. She didn’t know why she did that but she felt like she needed to protect Damien. “Do we have a problem?” Dean asked again, cocking his fist in front of Rainbow Miz. However, Rainbow Miz didn’t budge a bit. This Ambrose guy was really starting to get on her nerves. “Stop it! Enough!”, Twilight H pulled Rainbow Miz away from Dean before the two could inflict any damage to each other, “Sir, could you please leave us alone?”, she politely asked Ambrose. Dean didn’t answer; he simply stared open-mouthed at her before he burst into a fit of laughter. The legendary Triple H, the so-called King of Kings was asking him to do something politely. “Okay...heheh...this is a riot hahahah”, Dean continued laughing while the others exchanged surprised glances. “Ambrose, this is serious problem we have on our hands so stop laughing! This isn’t funny!” Stephanie yelled. “Yes, it isn’t funny. It’s freakin’ hilarious heheh”, Dean snickered before he regained his composure, “Okay, okay, so what’s the problem? You tell me and I’ll leave”, he said with a grin as he sat on the couch. “Did you really have to kick me in the gut?” Damien asked as Rainbow Miz and Twilight H helped him up. “You’re a dumbass...of course I needed to”, Ambrose simply replied before he turned to Stephanie, “So what’s the problem?” “Well, I...um...” Stephanie tried to answer but she realized she didn’t have the slightest knowledge of what was happening, “Hunter...or whoever you are, tell him”, she said to Twilight H. “Oh, okay then”, Twilight H cleared her throat, “Ahem...you see, me and Rainbow Dash here are from another world and due to some dark magic, me, Rainbow Dash, Stephanie’s husband and The Miz have exchanged minds and we are still stuck like this”, she replied. “Magic?” Dean snickered, “You have got to be shitting me”. “No we’re not, it’s the truth”, Rainbow Miz retorted. “And what’s with that purple glow from the other room? Is that “magic”?” he added before a ball of purple energy flew from the bedroom and hit him right on the chest, rendering him unconscious in an instant. Dean slumped to the floor rather quickly, barely missing the side of the couch before his head made a rather nasty contact with the carpeted floor. “Uh-oh, what the hay happened?” Rainbow Miz asked as Damien quickly locked the door to the bedroom to prevent some other orbs of magic from flying towards him and the others. “I hope he’s alright”, Twilight H began shaking Dean, trying to make sure he wasn’t dead, “Mr. Ambrose, are you alright?” “Ahh....why do I feel like somethin’ hit me on the chest?” Dean groggily asked as he slowly opened his eyes while holding his chest. “Thank Celestia he’s alive”, Twilight H heaved a sigh of relief. “Damien, go and stand guard outside the door”, Stephanie ordered, “Lock the door from the outside and only let the rest of The Authority enter”, she said, referring to Seth Rollins, Big Show and Kane as well as J&J Security. “Mr. Ambrose, can you hear me?” Twilight H asked the brown-haired man again. “Ambrose? Who the hay is Ambrose?” the former Shield member asked before his eyes widened at the mere sight of the others. “Oh damn”, Damien groaned as he left the room to lock it from the outside. Things were getting worse by the minute. A few minutes earlier, back in Equestria, inside Applejack’s bedroom “So, he dared to call Twilight useless?” Spike asked the orange mare with an angry tone in his voice. He was the only one who noticed her when she galloped inside her bedroom so he wanted to check out what was wrong. Spike the dragon was a purple reptile which Twilight Sparkle hatched as part of her test while she studied under Princess Celestia’s school. He was a loyal assistant as well as a good friend who loved to be of service to anypony, especially Rarity. “He was just...so...so mean and rude”, Applejack added. She still remembered the harsh words Mike Dash fed her which pierced every inch of her mind. “Do the others know about this?” Spike asked again. If he was there when Mike Dash called Twilight pathetic, he would have shown him a piece of his mind. “No, I haven’t told them about it yet”, Applejack replied. “Tell us about what?” Pinkie suddenly appeared right next to them, “Aww....why the glum face?” she asked her with a frown on her face. Pinkie Pie (short for Pinkamena Diane Pie) was the resident party pony of Ponyville and she represented the Element of Laughter. She was the very definition of fun and she really loved making other ponies have fun and have a laugh every single bucking day. “Pinkie Pie, what are you doin’ here?” Applejack raised an eyebrow in surprise. “We were just gonna see what was going on in Rainbow Dash’s room but we heard your crying so we came here to check on you”, Rarity replied as she and Fluttershy came into view. Rarity, who represented the Element of Generosity was a designer who worked at the Carousel Boutique. She was one of the most talented designers in all of Equestria and she excelled in finding precious stones like gems though she spent most of her time in her store. “Thanks for comin’ but everything’s alright now”, Applejack said with a smile. She had felt a bit down before but after seeing her friends, she felt much better. “Alright? But darling, you were just sobbing a few seconds ago. Surely that has got to do with something”, Rarity said. She was still pretty sure there was something wrong which Applejack didn’t mention. “Some jerk named The Miz said bad things about her and Twilight”, Spike answered for her, “Because of him, Rainbow Dash and Twilight are gone”, he added. “What happened?” Fluttershy gasped when she heard what Spike said. Fluttershy was the most timid of the group and she represented the Element of Kindness. The yellow pegasus was a key part in reforming Discord, a powerful creature who could cause disharmony and chaos with a literal snap of a finger. She absolutely adored animals and she also had a mysterious yet powerful weapon called “The Stare”. Applejack began explaining to the others what Twilight had said before her mind was replaced with another. The others were initially skeptical but they believed her since she was not one who would lie to her friends. With new found hatred for The Miz, they began to head towards Rainbow Dash’s bedroom to give the newcomer a piece of their mind before they were stopped by the said pony. “Oh, there you are”, Mike Dash groaned when he saw Applejack and the other ponies. “Get him!!” Spike yelled. The next second, Mike Dash found himself being grabbed at all four limbs by three mares and a little dragon. “What the hell?” Mike Dash raised an eyebrow, not amused by his captors’ method of grabbing and subduing him. “How dare you call Twilight and Applejack useless?” Rarity glared at him. “Again with that?” Mike Dash groaned. “Apologize to her!!” Pinkie screamed right near Mike Dash’s ear. “Shit!! You almost made me go deaf”, Mike Dash began shaking his head violently to get the annoying ringing out of his ears. “Please, apologize”, Fluttershy pleaded, trying to look intimidating but ultimately failing according to Mike Dash. “Duh! Why the heck do you think I’d come over here for?” Mike Dash mumbled as the others let go of him. “Well?” Spike asked as he crossed his arms. “I’m doing it...Sheesh!” Mike Dash said before he cleared his throat, “Ahem....Applejerk...”. “Applejack”, the mare with the hat corrected him with a scowl on her face. “Whatever...I’m sorry for calling you and Twinkie pathetic”, Mike Dash said with a look of annoyance. He never liked apologizing especially since he was doing it to some dumb pony of sorts. “And?” Applejack knew that he had some more things to be sorry for. “I’m sorry for being an asshole and being rude and making you cry. There! You happy?” Mike Dash almost yelled but he controlled himself. “Thanks”, Applejack nodded and smiled. She was actually surprised that somepony like Mike Dash would have the guts to apologize after what they said. “Okay, now that we’re down with this, can you please get your asses back to the bedroom and help us get back home?” Mike Dash said. “I guess we have to”, Applejack said before she turned the others, “Well, are y’all in or not?” “He did apologize so I think it’s only fair that we help them”, Rarity said. “Miz, do you know who the new arrival is?” Fluttershy asked. “Yes “, Mike Dash groaned, “He’s my boss”. A few minutes and some introductions later, the ponies and dragon reached Rainbow Dash’s bedroom where Triple Sparkle was intently gazing into the portal that was still violently reacting from the inside. “Huh? More ponies?” Triple Sparkle facehoofed himself. Yup, that knocked away any doubts about the whole situation being an elaborate nightmare. “They’ll be able to help us”, Mike Dash told him. He was sure that even if the ponies didn’t trust them, they would still work with them since it was the only way of getting their two friends back. “Well, what are we going to do? I mean I don’t have the faintest idea on this kind of predicament”, Rarity said. “We need to think of somethin’, a plan perhaps”, Applejack sat down, thinking hard about a way to fix all this. “Uhh...is this supposed to glow?” Triple Sparkle asked his horn began to glow. He had inadvertently activated the horn and it was about to shoot some beam. “Oh no”, Fluttershy held her hooves to her mouth. The glow only meant one thing: Magical Exertion aka the stuff that happens whenever a unicorn is close to too much magic or in this case, a magical portal. “Don’t point it this way!” Spike rushed towards Triple Sparkle before he shoved his head away from the others and towards the portal. The next moment, a beam shot from Triple Sparkle’s horn, hitting the portal and causing a purple orb to fly out. It ricocheted all around the bedroom before it hit Applejack. The mare was unable to react and it hit her in the side, knocking her out cold. Other than a small bruise, her body was intact without any serious or non-serious damage. “Applejack!” Rarity was the first to rush to her friend’s side, “Wake up, please”, she said as she placed her head on her chest to hear her heartbeat. Luckily, the earth pony’s mare heart pulsed back to life in a split-second, indicating that she was okay. “Oh, she’s still breathing”, Fluttershy heaved a sigh of relief when she felt a warm breath coming from her friend’s mouth. “AJ! WAKE UP!!!” Pinkie yelled again. “What the hell? Tell me nobody kissed me”, Applejack coughed as she staggered to her feet, still dizzy from the blow. “Why the heck would anyone kiss you?” Mike Dash smirked. “Applejack, are you alright, darling?” Rarity made her lean against her. “Applejack? Sure I’ll have some with some cheese cake”, the earth pony said with a grin....a maniacal grin that only a lunatic would usually possess.