Steve Magnet Finds Your Bed Seriously Lacking in Style
libertydude
Huh.
Well, that’s something you don’t see every day.
For a moment, you’re dumbstruck. You can’t believe what you’re seeing: Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, in your bed! You can’t move, you’re barely breathing, and your mind has gone blank.
Well, blanker than usual, but you get the point.
Your thoughts come back though, and with a vengeance. Of course, a quadrillion questions are falling through your head. Questions like:
How is she here?
What is she doing?
Equestria actually exists?
What is she reading?
Should I tell her I peed in that cup this morning?
Some of these questions were more important than others.
Then, the urge to speak comes. You open your mouth, no doubt to say something totally not stupid, but nothing comes out. You have been robbed of your voice by the sheer surprise this creature has caused.
You try again. Nothing.
Again. Nothing.
Come on, come on. You can do this. You’ve talked to girls plenty of times before. It’s easy-peasy!
It’s just…
Just not as easy to say it when it’s the mare of your dreams you’re trying to talk to.
You scrunch your eyes closed and grit your teeth. No way, you’re not serious! You don’t mean what you’re saying! You can’t fall in love with a magical horse! That’s really damn creepy and against most major world religions!
And yet…
You gaze at her, bottle still in hand. Her body, while small, looked very petite and fit for a pony. Her lavender coat gleamed a little in the light, as did her violet eyes. Her horn shimmered a little every once in a while to help her turn the pages of the magazine. She looks so…
Don’t say it.
So…
Don’t you dare.
So…
There’s no going back once you say it.
…so beautiful.
By now, it’s over. Maybe somewhere in the deep, dark corners of your mind, you’re telling yourself how bad of an idea it is, but you don’t care. For too long, you’ve been working at a crappy job, living at a crappy house, next to crappy neighbors. Your friends never seem to be around, and when you’re not working yourself to the bone, you’re wasting it watching reality TV or eating overrated Chinese food. This world is nothing but a disappointment for you.
But her…she’s everything a person would want. She’s kind, she’s smart, she’s just…amazing.
Amazing. The furthest thing possible from a disappointment.
For the past 3 years, you had thought that she was merely a strange fantasy, a whimsical imagining that would never be a part of the material world you live in. After all, she was just a character in a show back then. You had thrown away any thoughts of being together and had tried hard, oh so hard, to find someone to love in this world. But besides the occasional fling or 3 month relationship, you never could find that special someone. Maybe it was your fault or theirs, but the result was always the same: loneliness.
But now, you’re special somepony is here, for real. She is no fantasy now; she exists just as much as you do. And she’s right here waiting for you, right where the person you love is always supposed to be when you go to sleep at night.
To make a long story short, the universe really wants you to have mind-blowing sex with this horse.
You drop the bottle in your hand, letting it fall to the floor and splashing what little content was left on the carpeted floor. You take off running towards the bed and outstretch your arms. In 2 seconds flat, you connect with the mare, grabbing her as tightly as possible. Oh, how soft she feels! Her fur as soft as a bunny’s, and her mane as smooth as silk. You begin kissing her everywhere; mane, coat, nose, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that she was yours now.
“Oh Twilight!” you say, trying to fight through the tears of joy that streamed down your face. “You’re the one for me! I’ll never leave your side! Please, oh please love me back!”
For a second, she doesn’t say anything. Understandable, given the circumstances. You were speechless just a minute ago, trying to absorb all of this. It’s hard to accept a love that’s given as passionately as this. I mean, she obviously expected you (she was in your bed, after all), but maybe not at this level of emotional intensity.
But you don’t need words to know she loved you back. To know that she’d never leave your side. To know that-
“That all sounds lovely, my friend, but could you please stop making out with my moustache?”
Your eyes go wide. That’s not Twilight’s voice. You look down at what you’re hugging, and it’s not Twilight. It looks like a giant orange ferret with multiple sclerosis.
You let go of the strange object and fall to the floor. You land with a THUMP on your back. As you roll to your stomach, you look around the room. For a moment, you think somebody has laced it with a giant purple water slide. It loops all around the room, effortlessly flowing along the walls and even spilling over a little into the center. Even in the dim light, the body gleamed and shone.
You get to your feet with a start and look back at your bed. Twilight was no longer there, if she ever was. Instead, something…else is in her place.
Something… reptilian.
Something… big.
Something… fabulous.
The creature’s chin has small purple beard on it; not long, but just thick enough that the chin can’t be seen. His snout is long, and a few teeth protrude from his mouth. His ears look like fish fins, and not too far below his face, a small pair of arms reside. Below these, the long tubing that laced around the room connected with the creature’s arms and head.
But all of this nothing compared to this creature’s hair. My God, has such decadent work of art ever been present on a head? The creature’s orange locks flow down his back, almost all the way to his arms. Despite its length, it somehow manages to stick up in the air several feet at the top of the head.
The moustache that accompanies the ‘do is as equally impressive. Being long enough to rival an entire table is admirable, but the fact it is combed perfectly is just as good. It is done in a walrus style, drooping down from the creature’s upper lip in a manner that makes him look like one of those old generals from the American Civil War.
As you stand, staring at the majestic beauty that is this creature’s hair, he pays no attention to you. Annoyance is clearly plastered on his face as he tries to adjust his moustache. Your tears of joy have gotten it soggy and your hugging has ruffled it up.
“Um…” you say, still not fully comprehending the situation. After all, besides the surprise this creature had just given you, you’re also slightly drunk. “…S-Sorry?”
“You better be!” the creature says with an effeminate, though still male, voice. “This took 2 hours to groom to perfection!” With that, he finally stops fiddling with his lip warmer and gives you a look over. “Hmph,” he says, clear distaste on his face and in his voice. “And here I thought you would at least have good taste in the clothes department.”
“What? Wait, hold on,” you say as you wave your hands around the room. “Who are you?”
“Steven P. Magnet is my name!” the creature says with a beaming smile. “And looking absolutely stunning is my game!”
“I’ll say,” you say, still transfixed by the Mufasa hairdo that lies upon Steven’s dome. “I haven’t seen hair that good since when I saw ‘Zoolander’.”
“Is that so? Then why, pray tell, were you trying to destroy such beauty?” his face turning back to annoyance.
“Well, er, sorry. I thought you were… someone else.” Your eyes turn away for a brief moment. It was only about now that you begin to realize the weight of what had just happened. You had finally accepted the love you knew was true in your heart. You had acted on it, throwing away the inhibitions that you had forced upon yourself in order to conform with society’s written standards of man’s proper relationship with equines. You had opened your heart to let your one true love know how you felt.
And for your trouble, you were this close to having sex with a flamboyant metrosexual snake.
The universe must hate you.
“Someone else, like Princess Twilight?” Steve says with a sly grin. You look back at him nervously. “Oh, don’t look so peeved, buddy. I don’t blame you for having such feelings for her.” His eyes close and he smiles as he thinks aloud. “With a hair color and flank like that, a pony could be busy for hours with her…”
“Ah, no offense, Mr. Magnet,” you say quickly. As much as you appreciated him approving of your love choice, you weren’t as appreciative of the thought of him thinking dirty thoughts out in the open, let alone in your bed. “But I have to ask… what are you, and why are you in my room?”
“Ah, excellent question!” he says as the front of his body slithers toward the center of the room. “And an excellent question deserves an excellent answer! I am what you would call a ‘sea serpent’, and I’m here on an important mission from Equestria!”
“Equestria?”
“That’s right!”
“What mission?”
“I’m glad you asked! After all, it involves you!”
“Wait, what?”
“Yes! I need your help in order to accomplish my mission!”
“Um…okay…”
“Yes! I need you to do something very important!”
“Liiiiiike?”
“I need you…” His voice is softer at this point.
“Yes?” Your voice grows a noticeable annoyed tint to it.
“to…”
“WHAT?!” you yell.
“…change your bed sheets!”
“…………………….”
For a while, the crickets outside were the only things to be heard. They were singing awfully nice tonight; it was only 60 degrees out, after all. That’s prime chirping weather, since it gives the crickets a lovely beat of about one chirp a second. It doesn’t work as well on hot nights, as that causes them to chirp faster and render the listener unable to take in the chirps as fully as on cooler nights.
But this isn’t what you were thinking about. Oh no, YOU are more interested in finding a way to castrate this slithering fiend who had just torn apart your heart, invaded your room, and basically ruined whatever sense of self-worth you had been feeling before.
Because you’re really boring like that.
“You traveled…all the way from Equestria…to tell me…I need new bedsheets?” The words are hard to choke out; the rage has rendered you unable to form the words easily.
“Yes sirree!” the serpent chirps, seemingly unaware of the growing sense of anger within you. “I came here through a conveniently placed magical portal and waited around here all day for you to come home. After all, I couldn’t let this…” He motions toward the bed. “…go unfixed. I mean, by Sweet Celestia’s mane, how old are these things?”
With that, he slides over to the bed and pokes at the sheets. They are plain brown and still cover the whole bed, but he is right to be confused by the age. The color is faded enough by multiple washings and is perforated with numerous holes. Calling them rags is an insult to rags.
“I mean, were these things made around the time Nightmare Moon was banished? Sheesh…” he continues.
“Bedsheets…” you more or less mutter.
“Yes, bedsheets! Please keep up, friend! It’s hard being extremely fabulous all the time!” He slithers over to the drawer that sits on the opposite wall from the bed and opens the drawers. “Now, I’m sure you’ve got suitable replacements for that eyesore somewhere in here…”
“Bedsheets…” you repeat.
“Yes, yes, bedsheets! We’re already sure about that!” he exclaims as he throws various clothes out of their drawers. “Well, fiddlesticks! It looks like you don’t have any extra bedsheets. Huh.” He sits back and scratches his head, befuddled by this development.
“Bed sheets…”
“Why do you keep saying that?”
“You came here…for bed sheets…”
“Yes, I know. Why are you reminding me?”
“Because… I thought you were Twilight Sparkle.”
“I thought we talked about that-“ It is now that he looks at you in the eyes. Your eyes, filled with rage, regret, hate, sadness. But most of all, filled with love. The love you would never get because Twilight Sparkle didn’t know you and never would know you. The love you thought you had just a few minutes ago, but was now lost forever.
He can see all of that in your eyes, and instantly, he knows what he should do.
“I’m…I’m sorry about that,” he says, sympathy dripping from his voice. “I didn’t know that she was that big of a deal for you. If I knew that you were that enamored with anypony, I probably wouldn’t have come.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “It would have been easier for you to never know about Equestria’s existence. And now I’ve ruined that chance.”
As you look at him, you aren’t sure what you want to do. On the one hand, biting off his tail and cutting off his hair would be greatly satisfying. That, or pulling off his moustache, hair by hair, until he was crying for Jesus Christ Pony to take him to Pony Heaven. Or Serpent Heaven, or whatever they believe over there.
But looking at him now…he had just wanted to help you. Granted, it was with the most mundane of all possible things you would actually need help with, but still. No harm was meant towards you; hell, if anything, it was all your fault.
After all, who the hell mistakes a giant purple snake for a pony princess?
“That’s…that’s alright,” you manage to get out. “I’m just… just not in a right state of mind.”
“I can see that. Perhaps I should come another time.”
“Yeah…” is all you can manage to get out.
“Um… well, until next time, friend,” he says, putting out one of his hands. You stare at it for a moment, then take it with your hand, purely out of reflex. He grasps you back and shakes it firmly. Then, with a quick little huff, he makes his way towards your window. As he opens it, he turns back towards you.
“Then again, I could just not come again, if you’d like.”
“That’d probably be best,” you say, looking towards the ground. “I really don’t want to nearly have sex with you again.”
“And just…” he says, turning back towards you. “…what does that mean?” By the tone in his voice, he sounds offended.
“Uh…” You are caught off guard by his sudden offense.
“Are you saying that I, Steven Magnet, am not attractive?” He begins to slide his way slowly back toward you, anger on his face.
“What? No! I mean… Yes! I mean-”
“WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!” he screams. He was right up in your face now. You can feel his breath on you, hot like a furnace. His eyes have daggers in them and they are pointed directly at you. He is waiting, daring you to say something stupid.
And who are you not to deliver?
“I mean… that I’m not the kind of person who has sex with snakes.”
His eyes subside, and his breathing relaxes a little.
“It’s nothing against you personally, but I just can’t get into snakes in a sexual manner.”
At this, he smiles.
“I can accept that answer.”
And then, faster than lightning, he punches you in the balls.
“And you can accept this appreciation of your honesty.”
You tumble to the floor in a heap, gasping for air. The lower half of your body implodes on itself, scrunching the legs all the way to your chest. Your hands go down to the Holy Land, desperately checking to make sure you aren’t castrated. You’re not, but you can’t exactly feel your manliness, either.
Steve’s face returns to the indignant look he had earlier and he slithers back toward the window. He begins to slither out it, but once outside, he turns back towards you. He leans inside and opens his mouth.
“I tried to be nice to you. Tried to calmly tell you how horrible your bed sheets are. I even apologized for YOUR mistake. I mean, really? You thought I was Princess Twilight? Are you drunk, or do you really get laid so little that you need to think of having sex with a horse to get through the day?”
Your attempt to reply is defeated by the cracked nuts between your legs, and only comes out as a “Fcud…”
“Well, I’ll tell you this. I don’t know what the culture around the human world is, but there is no worse insult in Equestria than to tell someone that you would never have sex with them! For that, you can say goodbye to me forever. Enjoy your crappy bedsheets!” With that, he closes the window and disappears out of view. Though he is not visible, you think you can hear him exclaiming things down in the distance. Things like “Good riddance!” or “Fashion Trash” or worst of all, “Not Even Remotely Attractive”.
Eventually, his voice fades away and you can’t hear him anymore. The pain between your legs, however, is not fading. In fact, it seems to hurt more and more as time goes on. So you decide you will just lay down there on the floor, you and your great balls of fire, until morning comes. It’ll be Tuesday tomorrow, but you might just skip work. As dickish as your managers are, even they will understand absence due to testicular assault.
You take it back: The universe doesn’t hate you; it really hates you.
And your nuts.
*****
“Ohhhhhhh…” you moan. You don’t know how long you’ve been asleep, but it certainly feels like it has been awhile. But even after a long sleep, your nuts still felt like someone had played a drum solo on them.
“Dear, are you alright?”
That voice. You know that voice. It seems like a million years since you’ve heard it, yet you know you only heard it a few hours ago.
“Twi-twilight?”
“Yes, honey. I’m here. What’s wrong?”
For a split second, you open your eyes. You see your room is the same as when you fell asleep. Same carpeted floor, same bed, same window. Your eyes close again, overwhelmed by the light.
Only…this isn’t the room.
Wait, how does that work? This is your room, but it isn’t? And why is Twilight calling you “dear” and “honey”? Have you finally snapped? Are you still drunk, or hallucinating, or what? Did Steve’s ‘Fist of Fury to the Baby Batter Brewshop’ send you into a coma?
Come on, you know the answer.
“Honey, can you hear me?”
It starts with a d, and it rhymes with stream.
“Please answer me, sweetie. You’re scaring me.”
You do it when you’re sleeping…
“Wake up, damn it!” you hear as a deafening slap comes across your face. Your eyes shoot open, and the pain you feel across your cheek is more real than you’d like it to be. Your eyes see the room again, only…this is your room. It’s not both your room and not your room, it’s just…your room.
Your room. Inside the castle of Friendship. The one you’ve lived in since you’ve been married. The one you shared with Twilight Sparkle.
Oh right. You were married to Twilight Sparkle. How did you forget that?
You turn to your left, and there she is. Even now, as she looks at you panicked and breathing hard, she still looks as beautiful as the day you had met her. How long ago was that? Oh, it didn’t matter. What did matter was that she looked like she was about to hit you again.
“Oh, thank Celestia!” she said as jumped on you, wrapping you in a hug not even Discord could escape. You are knocked to your back with her on top of you, close to the edge of the bed where you were lying. “I thought you were having a nightmare!”
For a moment, you can’t speak. How is this possible? A few moments ago, you were some nobody in the human world, with a lame job and a lamer life. Now, you’re a prince, living in a castle, and with the most beautiful mare a stallion could ask for. A nobody to a somepony.
No. No, no, no. You were always like this. You were always a pony, you were always living in Equestria, and you were always the love of Twilight’s life. Well, except for that one blue-haired punk who she had a crush on for a while, but that doesn’t count. At least, in a spiritual sense.
Ah, but why did you think you were a human? You know the answer. Just one word….
“Dream,” you say into Twilight’s ear, still wrapped in her Eternity Hug. “Just a dream.”
Ah, good. At least the stupidity of your human self hasn’t crossed over into this world.
“Just a dream,” Twilight consoled. She loosened her grasp and leaned back, looking you in the face. She gives you a smile now. Not a ‘normal’ smile like most other ponies give each other, but a ‘Twilight’ smile. The smile only she could give and only you could receive. The smile that said, “I love you beyond anything in this world, and I know you think the same of me”.
It was the smile that also said, “Tell me what was going on or I’ll slap you again.”
“Oh man…” you say, rubbing your eyes with your hooves. “What a dream that was.”
“Oh?” she says, leaning back in towards your face. Now she’s sitting right on your stomach, and her face is an inch away from yours. “Care to elaborate?”
“I don’t know…” you say. “Care to tell me why you slapped me on the face?”
“I had to wake you up!” she said, half-anxiously, half-exasperatedly. “You were twisting and squirming a lot and I got really worried and I thought ‘Oh no, he’s going to get a nightmare and go crazy and start eating pinecones and all those other things crazy ponies do” so I tried punching you in your testicles but you didn’t quite wake up then so I slapped you in the face because Star Swirl’s medical guide says that you need to slap ponies in another sensitive spot in order for the pain to be offset by-“ By now, you have stuck your hoof into your wife’s mouth.
“I love you, Twi, but calm down.” You take away your hoof and she takes a few deep breaths.
“I know, I know, sorry.” She sighs at this. “Sorry about your, er… stallion-hood.”
“That’s alright, Twi,” you say. You lean your face towards hers and give her a quick peck on the cheek. “Thanks anyway.” She looks down at you, eyebrows arched as high as possible.
“Is that it?”
“Is that what?” you say innocently. “I thanked you for waking me up.”
“Not that! When did you get so courteous in your displays of affection? We aren’t out among the general populace now! You can be a bit more… passionate.”
“Oh. Umm… alright.” You lean back up and give her a quick kiss on the lips. Her eyes roll higher than the heavens.
“Oh for Celestia’s sake!” She grabs your head with both hooves and pulls it in tightly toward her. Your lips meet hers and she presses them as hard as she can. She twists your head a little, adding a little variety in the angle of the smooching. After a few seconds, you finally separate, if only because you were both running out of air.
“Oh, that kind of kissing! Please be more specific next time, dear!”
Not even a split-second later, a barrage of pillows meets your face. Guided by your wife’s expertise telekinetic magic, they pound you until you submit.
“Nopony likes a smart alek,” Twilight says as she rolls off of you onto her side of the bed. Despite the language, you can still see a smirk on her face as she slides off your belly.
“Then how do you explain our marriage?” The explanation consists of a bop on your nose, which the Princess quickly gives.
“All joking aside, what was up with you?” She looks at you with genuine concern, and without all the playfulness that was present the past few minutes.
“I don’t know. I was having a dream…”
“More like a nightmare. I’ve never seen a pony act the way you were acting outside of nightmares.”
“But… I’m not entirely sure it was a nightmare.”
“Was it unpleasant?”
“Well, yes, but-“
“Were you happy in it?”
“Not exactly, but-“
“Did it cause you significant distress to be in that lucid state?”
“A bit, yeah, but-“
“Then it’s a nightmare.”
“I don’t know…”
“Listen, honey,” she says, putting her hoof on yours. “I know you may just think it was an unpleasant dream, but please believe me when I say that nightmares are serious. They’ve been known to drive ponies mad, even just a few of them. I’d feel a lot better if we got somepony to look at you. Like…” Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. “Like Princess Luna! She’s coming by here tomorrow for brunch with Princess Celestia, and I’m sure she’d be more than happy to look at you. She absolutely adores those games of chess you play with her!”
“I don’t know, Twi…” As much as you enjoy Luna’s company, the idea of her analyzing your dreams with Freudian over interpretation was somewhat unnerving. She’d probably say the snake was an internal representation of his relationship with his father, and that the babymaker bash was a fear of castration...or something like that. But even more frightening was that she may try to cheat and learn how you do your chess moves. And if there was something nopony wanted to lose in Equestria, it was the ability to outsmart a Princess.
“Please, honey. If not for you, just do it for me.” You begin to protest, but then she does it.
The Face.
The one thing that nopony can resist, especially you.
The Face is an old technique her friend Rarity taught her years ago; although it was originally only meant to help convince stallions to pay for the bills on dates, Twilight had found it to be very effective in helping convince her male friends to do many… other things. And, being her husband, you were probably the bestest of her male friends, and therefore, often got the Face before those various… things.
Describing The Face is a lot like describing a house: It seems simple, but it actually takes a lot of effort to fully paint a picture. Basically, her chin quivers, her eyes go as wide as a puppy’s, and her lips pucker in a way only a true seductress can pucker them. The resulting combination results in a face not even Stoic the Stallion could resist, and not even Star Swirl could understand in decades of research.
“Oh, alright Twi,” you say, barely putting up a fight. “I’ll talk to Luna tomorrow.”
“Thanks, honey,” she says. She leans in and gives you a quick peck on the cheek. “I know you may find it trivial, but I just really don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”
“I understand, Smartypants.” She blushes a little at this. Though she had once had a toy with that name, it had gotten worn beyond repair a few years ago and had been banished to the basement of the castle. However, you had learned about her years ago and had decided that would be your pet name for Twilight. She claimed that it was ‘demeaning’ or ‘silly’, but she blushed every time you said it. She loved it, but that pride of being a princess was too much for her to say it aloud.
“Now, before you go to sleep...” you say as she starts to crawl under the sheets. “What if I need a cuddle buddy in order to properly sleep?”
“Cuddle...buddy?” she says, looking both confused and amused.
“Yeah, a cuddle buddy. You know, that special somepony who’ll make sure I don’t get too antsy while I'm sleeping.”
“Is that right?” She’s got a sly smile now.
“Oh yes, dear. After all…” You return her smile with yours. “...Star Swirl’s guide did say that after a traumatic event, a pony might need another pony to lie next to them and provide comfort…”
“Yeah, when they were suffering from hypothermia!”
“Well, you did leave the window open, and it’s getting kind of chilly....”
“Fine,” she says with mock exasperation. “I’ll help you stay warm, dear.” At this, she crawls toward you under the sheets. Opening your forelegs, you allow her to snuggle right onto your chest and put her forelegs across your body. She rubs her face in your chest as you adjust your head on the pillow.
“Mmm…” she moans. “...You’re pretty warm.”
“See? It’s already working.”
“I’ll say,” she says with a yawn. “The presence of two equine lifeforms is already causing a drop in our basal metabolic rate…” You shake your head.
“Only you could make falling asleep so dorky, Twilight.”
“SKRONK!” Twilight replied.
“Heh. Already fast asleep.” You lean down and kiss her on the head. “Goodnight, Twilight.”
“SKRONK!” she says again.
“You know, I’m starting to wonder how I even get to dream in the first place with this racket.”
“SKRONK!”
“Oh well,” you say with a shrug. You reach over with your right hoof and turn off the lamp that had been the sole light source for the room. You’re soon in pitch blackness, with only the wind from the windows and the snores of your wife making any sort of noise. You lay back on your pillow, careful not to disturb your wife’s head as you adjust yourself. But eventually, you’re flat on your back and in a good position.
As you lay there, feeling the minutes pass by before sleep inevitably retakes you, your mind wanders back to the dream. Twilight was right; it probably was nothing. Knowing what nightmares usually consist of, it was indeed a fairly tame nightmare, if it even was one. It had been uncomfortable, at least.
Ah, but who cares? The dream was over, and soon another (hopefully more pleasant) dream would take its place. Maybe one where you were relaxing on a beach on Horseback Lake. Or maybe one where you could fly, just like Twilight. Flying over the land, peering down at every pony and creature. Able to instantly travel to any town and city to have whatever adventure one could have in Equestria.
Or maybe one where your balls didn’t feel like they’d been washed in Satan’s bidet.
Yeah. That’d be a nice dream.
“SKRONK!”