//------------------------------// // Mike: Run Like Hell // Story: Fastest Fall in Equestria // by Parchment_Scroll //------------------------------// Mike: If there is a force in the universe more powerful than the tear-jerking strength of a sad pony filly, I don't want to know about it. Seriously, if I was the Princess, I would totally make big posters of crying fillies and put them on the border with the caption "Invading Equestria makes fillies cry. Think of the fillies. Don't invade." They would never have a problem again. Fastest Fall in Equestria Run Like Hell It turns out Fluttershy had beaten us to Sweet Apple Acres, and was in the fillies' treehouse already, comforting Scootaloo. That, I hoped, would make things easier, especially since once we arrived at the place, Applejack turned around and headed back, I presume, to get back to harvesting apples or whatever it is she was doing. There were two other fillies there, a white unicorn with a pink and purple mane, and a yellow earth pony with a red mane (and pink bow in her hair). I'm sure you bronies know who I'm talking about. The two of them were trying to comfort their friend along with Fluttershy. "Oh, c'mon," said the earth pony, "Ah'm sure she -- um, he -- didn't mean nothin' by it." "That doesn't help, Apple Bloom," sobbed Scootaloo. "It just means I'm that much more of a failure!" And then she started bawling, and my heart seized up and I died. The End Okay, not really, but damn, did I wish I could just sink into the floor and vanish. Apple Bloom sniffed. Oh, God, I thought. I can't take it if two of them start crying. I tried to say something, but my throat constricted and all I managed was a sort of squeaky breath. "Come on, Scootaloo," said the unicorn filly. "Rarity says everypony outgrows their wings at some point. Soon, they'll grow in, and you'll be zooming along just like Rainbow Dash!" Aha! An opening! "Heck," I said, "the way you tear it up on that scooter, I wouldn't be surprised if you turn out to be even better!" I looked around. "Don't tell her I said that, though, huh?" Scootaloo sniffed, and looked up at me. "So it's true? You're not even the real Rainbow Dash?" I nodded. "Yep, we did a Freaky Friday." "A what?" I facehoofed. "I really need to stop making movie references, nobody -- I mean nopony -- gets them. It means we swapped minds for some reason." "So right now, she's in your body?" I nodded. "And you're not a pegasus?" I laughed. "I'm not even a pony. I wouldn't be surprised if she's been falling on my face every time she tries to walk anywhere." Scootaloo was quick to leap to the defense of her heroine. "No way! Rainbow Dash is the best, fastest, coolest pony in Equestria! She's probably breaking world records in your body right now, and you'll have to live up to the reputation when you get back!" The thought was sobering. What kind of reputation would I have when this was over? I noticed ponies frequently didn't wear clothes -- hard thing to miss, really. Was she spending her time on Earth in jail? Would I end up being known as "that guy who spent however-long crawling everywhere?" Naked and crawling around everywhere on all fours... Visions of my pending status as a sex offender (it's happened to guys who were caught urinating on a dumpster in my state) danced in my head. I felt weak at the knees. "Hey," Scootaloo said, "don't sweat it! If you're as good at being an alien as you were at flying earlier, you'll be fine!" I laughed. "I'm only an alien here," I said. "Back home, I'm just another pre-med student." "Whuh-oh," said Apple Bloom. "What?" "Well, Rainbow Dash ain't the readin'est pony out there." I grinned. "Well, it's only Saturday. I don't have classes until Monday, so it should be fine. Twilight Sparkle will have this all sorted out tonight, with any luck." To my surprise, Scootaloo started sniffling again. "Does... does that mean you don't really wanna fly with me after all?" Crap. Abort abort abort. "No, no, no... I'd love to! That was lots of fun! It's just... don't you want Rainbow Dash back again?" "Duh!" Scootaloo grinned at me -- much better! "But just because I want Rainbow Dash back doesn't mean I want you gone!" "Well, in the meantime, I had a great idea for how we could go flying together, and you could even get in some practice for when your wings grow in oh crap!" "What's wrong now, Mike?" Spike rolled his eyes at me. "We got so caught up in things at Rarity's, I forgot to tell her about my idea!" "Oh, you went to visit Rarity?" Fluttershy smiled at us, which is, let me tell you, an uplifting experience all its own even if you don't know who she is. (Remember, at the time I barely did.) "We sure did," said Spike. "Twilight wanted us to tell you all she's coming home around sunset, and she's bringing Princess Celestia with her!" "Oh... oh my," said Fluttershy. "I should probably go see if my bird friends are ready for a surprise performance. It wouldn't do to have the Princess arrive without a fanfare." "That's all right, Fluttershy," I said. "She specifically said not to make a big fuss about it." "Oh. All right," she said, sounding torn between being relieved at not having to do anything and a little disappointed. I was surprised she was so eager to set something like that up -- she doesn't exactly seem like the sort of pony who likes the limelight. "Say, Fluttershy," said Spike, "you don't know where Pinkie Pie went next, do you?" "Well," said Fluttershy, "she said she had to get the party ready, so she'll probably be back at the library." "Wait," I said. "Wouldn't she be at... oh, what's it called, the candy shop?" "Actually," said Fluttershy, "it's a pastry shop. And no, the invitation says to be at the library by sundown." "Well, that's great!" I said. "That means we won't have to let her know to be... there... oh my." "What is it? Did I say something wrong? Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "It's not that, Fluttershy." "What is it?" "Well, do you think a giant party with everyone in Ponyville would constitute 'making a fuss'?" Fluttershy actually took a moment to consider this. "I'm sure the Princess won't mind. She had Pinkie Pie set up the wedding reception for her neice and Twilight's brother last week, after all. Besides, the big fuss isn't about her, it's about you, and that's probably completely different." "Um," interjected Applejack, who'd returned to the clubhouse just then, "Ah hate ta bring this up, but speakin' o' big fusses about y'all... Were ya expectin' company?" I looked over at her and shook my head. "Not that I'm aware of." "Oh, wow," said Spike, "you weren't kidding about the torches and pitchforks, either!" "That plum ticks me off," Applejack growled. "Ah'll head 'em off, Mike. You 'n' Spike git back ta the library." With Applejack drawing their attention, Spike and I were just able to sneak past the crowd in the shadows. While we tried our best to be quiet, Applejack was doing the exact opposite. "Ah'm ashamed o' y'all! Y'all ponies just couldn't wait ta gang up on somepony. What happened to the hospitality Ponyville was supposed ta be famous for? Y'all got no problem welcomin' somepony wants ta show off fer a crowd an' make other ponies look bad. Absolutely no objections when a couple o' fast talkin' ponies came ta run me and mine offa our land. But the moment somepony shows up because of an accident that ain't even his fault, y'all break out the pitchforks!" "And YOU," she snarled, turning on one pony. "Ah see ya standin' thar, Trayo Mills! Y'all tole me y'all were outta pitchforks!" "Um, well, uh..." "Y'all know we gotta bale hay fer the cows 'n' all!" "These were all purchased last week," the pony said. "Before you came in, you see." Applejack trotted over to another pony, whose obviously new pitchfork gleamed in the evening sunlight (not to mention all the torchlight). "Uh-huh," she drawled in obvious disbelief. "C'mon, Mike," Spike urged. "We gotta get out of here!" "Yeah, but..." I tried shrugging with my wings. It kind of worked. "Look at her go! She's got 'em on the ropes now!" "Not for long," he said darkly. And right on cue, a pony appeared directly in front of me - a grey pegasus pony with blonde mane and tail, staring at me with her yellow eyes. She had yellow eyes! So help me, God! Yellow eyes! "Hello," she said, her eyes completely failing to focus on me. In fact, they failed to even point the same direction. Wait. I knew this. Twilight had mentioned someone with eyes like that. "Hi... Ditzy Doo?" She nodded, grinning. "You can call me Derpy if you want." "Okay," I said, nervously eyeing the pitchfork stuffed into her saddlebag while she reached for the bag on the other side. "Are you Mike?" she asked, entirely too loudly. "Because I have a letter for Mike, but the letter says care of Rainbow Dash's body..." She nosed around in her bag. "Huh. I had a letter for you. I don't know what went wrong." I frowned, and Spike tugged on my mane. "I know what's about to go wrong," he said, jerking a thumb (oh, how I missed thumbs just then) at the crowd, who'd noticed us. "Let's get out of here!" And just like that, my life turned into a Benny Hill sketch. We ran as fast as my hooves could carry me into town, where I tried everything I could think of to shake off the pursuing crowd. Hiding behind a newspaper worked until I lowered it to check on the crowd's progress. The mad scramble that ensued from there took us through back alleys that I've since noticed only seem to get shown on the cartoon during similar chase scenes. Maybe Ponyville only has them when they're needed? I dunno. From there, the disguise gambit was a total failure - I don't know where Spike got the business suit and briefcase, but it failed to conceal my rainbow-colored mane and tail, which were kind of a giveaway. Then I got an idea. "Hang on, Spike!" "Wha-a-a-a-a-a-a-aa...?" I suppose I could have given him more time to prepare for takeoff, but there really was no time. I thanked all the powers that be and a few that don't be for Rainbow Dash's speed, as I gave the crowd the slip. Still, many of them were pegasi, and they'd find me eventually unless... There! I thought, narrowing my focus on a nice, fluffy, low-hanging cumulus apparently left over from the storm earlier. I zipped inside and was only slightly surprised to find it had give to it. I figured pegasi would have some way to manipulate clouds -- I didn't realize they could stand on them. That made this so much easier. In moments, nothing of myself or Spike was visible from outside except our eyes. I suddenly thought of an image I'd seen on Dave's computer. "Hey, Spike," I said. "Check it out!" Extending my wings a bit past the edges of the cloud, I flew us towards the library. "Beep beep! I'm a cloud!" Spike groaned. "Clouds don't beep in our world." I grinned. Spike wanted me to make cloud sounds, did he? "Condense condense condense precipitate precipitate..." In retrospect, that was a mistake. Because, in case you didn't notice, clouds don't make those sounds either. At least Twilight Sparkle thought it was funny. (At least, so she said later.) But yeah, between the visible blue wings and the talking, I kind of drew attention to us. The pegasi had surrounded us on all sides. And I do mean all sides - flying ponies do think and plan in three dimensions, unfortunately. They were herding us down to the mob below when the sun finally set and things suddenly got very ominous. In the darkening light, a bunch of torch-and-pitchfork-wielding ponies was suddenly a lot less cartoony and cute. It was, in fact, kind of terrifying. And then there was a huge explosion of light, my wings flared out, knocking the cloud to pieces, and Spike and I fell towards the crowd, out of control. I'm sure it looked to them like I was attacking. I did the most sensible thing I could think of: I screamed and covered my eyes with my hooves. Look, I'm not proud of it, but the fact was, I figured I was a dead man. Er... pony. When we failed to impact, I looked out from behind my hooves and found everything tinted a reddish-purple. Twilight Sparkle had caught us with her magic. And then things got really scary. "My little ponies," boomed out a loud, stern, maternal voice. "I am very disappointed in you." Princess Celestia had arrived.