This Week In Equestria!

by RF and AG

Janumarey 18th

“Sister! You must see this!,” exclaimed Luna as she galloped into Celestia’s study. A large grin was plastered on her face, eyes slightly red as though she had either been crying or laughing uncontrollably.

“What is it, Luna? And why are your eyes red?” Celestia asked as she rose from her chair, moving to intercept her sister before she reached the desk.

“One of the maids must have slipped this in among my usual newspapers this morning; just read it!” Luna’s giddiness was a little bit unnerving to the sun princess. Floating beside her in her magic was a magazine of sorts.

“Alright, alright, calm down, sis,” Celestia said before grabbing the magazine, that Luna held, in her own magic. “This Week In Equestria?”

“Indeed!”

“Really? A gossip magazine, Luna?” Celestia asked with a smirk and raised eyebrow. Luna just waved her hoof dismissively.

“Just read it!”

‘“This Week In Equestria! Your one stop spot for the best information on the social lives of the populace.”’ Celestia read slowly and clearly, her voice showing signs of worry. “This isn’t going to be pretty, is it?”

“Ah, don’t be a big baby, sis. Trust me, it is the best read I have found in a while,” Luna replied, her voice slowly edging upon laughter.

“Sigh.”

It only make sense for the most recent Princess to be the first of the latest social news! Not to mention that what has been going on around her is also the most juicy. It seems that the ‘Princess of Friendship’ has more than a few little character quirks that are just too impossible to pass up! Of course that isn’t all that has happened to her this week.

Princess Sparkle was spotted at the local Ponyville fast food joint, alone and even wearing one of the best disguises I have ever seen! She fooled everypony at H&W, not to mention almost fooling me, but I soon was able to discern her through the elaborate disguise of removing her crown. Though that wasn’t even the most surprising things! What the Princess ordered was completely unheard of, something that not even the sane would have contemplated. Yes, readers, I am talking about a salad. She ordered a salad, at the fast food joint H&W, and that was it! From that moment on, I knew that she would be hiding more throughout the week, and mare was I right!

Not only was she eating salads! But she was also having underage sex parties with who else but two of the element’s sisters and a chicken friend of those two sisters! I couldn’t tell what was going on behind the closed curtains but I knew that it was something sick and twisted, by the repeated sounds of one of the fillies yelling ‘Oh come on!’

That sick and twisted Princess.

Don’t worry, readers, for I will stay on this devious mare like butter on a knife that is a little bit dull. Don’t you worry!

The Ponyville teacher, Miss Cheerilee, was spotted earlier in the week with the company of a certain stallion that has asked to remain anonymous. During the time, she was riding on top of said stallion’s back, waving a cowpony hat and yelling incoherent statements. She proceeded to chuck a half finished bottle of whiskey at the local library whilst yelling “Fuck the police.” More to follow.

An interesting development occurred this past Saturday when an errant fanstallion miscalculated his stopping time and ended up crashing into Spitfire’s home. The resulting crash put him through three walls in the cloud home and bringing upon the biggest scandal from the Wonderbolt’s Captain!

Captain Spitfire was caught with her left hoof flyer, Soarin, in what could best be described as a sexual dungeon. The fanstallion was able to capture graphic images of Spitfire having Soarin tied up in a black leather swing set while holding a riding crop in her mouth and wearing what looked like a purple strap-on dildo. It would seem that the Captain enjoys a few … kinkier after hours hobbies, while Soarin enjoys buttplay.

It was confirmed this past week, much to the heartbreak of almost every single Stallion in Equestria, that Braeburn in in fact, not gay. Despite the extremely popular, and completely true, idea that everypony is ‘Gay for Braeburn’ it would seem that the extremely handsome and sexually attractive stallion is not gay.

I repeat, not Gay.

Such heartbreak will ruin the lives of many suitors as well as admirers alike, but there is always hope that he is just lying and will once again joy us all with that extremely sexy flank of his.

Princess Cadance announced unofficially that she and Prince Shining Armor are preparing to have a child. Her statement was made in a small and confined press room that was a little unusual for a normal conference. She was quoted as saying.

“You better rut me extra hard tonight! I want to be knocked up by tomorrow, mister!”

The couple then went on to make a series of very strange wrestling positions that I, in my professional opinion, would say are very unskilled at taking an opponent down. It seems that the Crystal Empire might not be as well defended as previously thought.

Either way, after an hour span of trying numerous positions, the two collapsed upon the bed, holding eachother tightly. Their heavy breathing most likely was a sign of being out of shape, and if I didn’t find it impolite, I would have told them from the viewing glass.

Princess Cadance then finished the conference by saying “I hope the kid isn’t pink or purple. There is two many Princesses of those colours as it is.”

It seems that the self and nationally proclaimed ‘fastest pony in the world’ has been holding onto a secret that not a soul could have suspected. During my recent visit to Las Pegasus this week, I found out her dirty secret which was surprisingly out in the open.

Rainbow Dash has siblings! Like a lot of siblings! As in a few thousand!

That’s right, readers, Rainbow Dash is the sister of over a thousand other ponies! It was an almost impossible thing not to find out, since they were all marching down the cloud streets, with their rainbow coloured mane and tails, waving rainbow coloured flags all around, and strutting like they owned the place. Classic signs of Rainbow Dash, especially those flags.

It would seem that Rainbows run in her family line, which surprisingly did not consist entirely of pegasi.

Octavia Melody: refined mare of upstanding repute and first chair of the cellist section. But what goes on behind closed doors? When the elites of society think nopony is watching? How differently do they live their lives, than the common pony?

I, Beat Blast, reporter incognito tailed Miss Melody to give you the scoop on her activities performed away from the private eye. What was uncovered was shocking.

Octavia Melody, in her private dressing room, performs unsavory acts with her cello! I- I simply cannot describe the depraved acts, nor would I taint the mind of my readers with the details.

After she finishes her … unmentionable activities, she rubs her cello and talks to it like one might with a significant other! She uses Arpeggio’s Denatured Alcohol to rub her strings, and I had to blushingly look away, as it evoked other scandalous thoughts to mind. She used a soft cloth to clean her cello, but did so with long sweeping strokes, sensuously and slowly, and it became rather clear to me that to Octavia, her cello isn’t a mere instrument of wood, but a companion with whom she makes beautiful music together, both onstage, and apparently off it as well.

Who doesn’t love a good Wonderbolts show? From the breath-taking stunts to the hair-raising dives, everypony adores watching the pegasi fly through the blue; or so it seems. Not that the crowds do not adore these performers, but that the team is not purely pegasus. But how can this be so, for a flying team?

Let’s take a look at a picture of Fleetfoot I snapped, which shows her without wings! It sounds ridiculous, I know; but I’ve concocted a theory on how it is possible to fly without the necessary equipment. With drugs, of course!

I believe she is indulging in drugs, manufactured largely from magical and untested Poison Joke plant, which grows wild in the Everfree Forest. These drugs greatly expand the body’s natural magic to the point of being able to manipulate it without a horn.

Furthermore, I am convinced that she learned of this drug from some lost scrolls of  Star Swirl the Bearded, who wrote many famous guides on magic, who also used a similar supplement to reach the level of magic he attained. This would also mean that the Princess’s power is obtained from performance enhancements!

So what does this mean for all of us? Have we been lied to? Can this poisonous flower actually be the key to unlocking all pony’s full magical potential, to the point that everypony can manipulate magic? Well, I’m about to try it now!

Read next week’s article and I’ll let you know!

The desert dunes of Saddle Arabia stretch on endlessly. Few ponds or lakes, no mountains or hills with their great mineral resources, lush plains of grass or thick forests of trees.So, why are troops of the Royal Guard stationed in such an arid land?

 For months now, Equestrian soldiers have been fighting against an unknown and unseen enemy that reports state could be very harmful to Equestria and it’s citizens. However, none seem to have ever seen, or even officially named, this guerilla force. If there is no enemy to fight, then perhaps it is actually an invasion! But what product does this land have to offer? Food? Metal?

Gaining entry to Saddle Arabia can be rather difficult, and finding soldiers who are willing to speak on this subject is harder. After nearly a week, I was able to locate one of these noble Guards in their gorgeous gold, who wished to be referred to as ‘Sam’, who was willing to speak. And what capital is this important? Is it something that the Saddle Arabians produce? Perhaps a magical gem of sorts? A metallic capital perhaps?

The answer is sand!

Yes, it would seem that the Equestrian government is stealing several tons of quality sand from the deserts to dump on their beaches in an apparent attempt to increase tourism. However, according to Sam, they are indeed in battle with an aggressive force. And who are these unseen foes? Is it the sand itself?

The answer to this, and more, will be revealed in next week’s article!

Scootaloo is a mercenary!

Yes, you read that right. Ponyville’s small, innocent, little pegasus is secretly a gun, or rather sword, for hire. Why else would a small child be dragging an edged weapon around? Though at first glance it seems to be wooden, this is obviously just a clever deceit. We should have all known those little wings were just a feel-bad cover!

The only explanation for why she’s doing this? Obviously, it’s to get her cutie mark, she never shuts up about it. And the only way she’s getting that is to be the top-ranked assassin. And the only way she can do that is to beat all the rest! And the only way she can do that is through a ultra-secret assassin alliance that only we know about; so… go grab a frying pan and smash it against your head till you forget... or something.

So, does Scootaloo have the skill and luck to kill off the best killers in the world? Or will she be assassinated and forgotten like the countless others before her? Check out the article next week to find out if she’s progressed up through the ranks or down into a bloody puddle!

Sweetie Belle, the who claims to be the younger sister of Rarity, is actually not in fact related whatsoever to the famous Bearer of Generosity. Instead, given that both Sweetie Drops and her possess two toned manes, there is speculation that Sweetie Drops (aka Bon Bon) is actually Sweetie’s mother.

It makes sense, really, given the mane and coats are similar enough in color. I’ve asked around and I’m informed that Shining Armor and her were particularly close in high school. And taking into consideration Sweetie’s age and the training period to join the Royal Guard, it becomes apparent that Shining Armor left for the guard around the time Sweetie Drops would have realized that she was with foal.

Sweetie Drops, unprepared to raise a foal, offered her to Pearl and Magnum, given that Magnum is close enough to Shining Armor’s coat colors and is a unicorn in addition. And so Rarity’s family has successfully avoided revealing the truth about Sweetie Belle and her real mother: Sweetie Drops. Could this spell doom for the Royal Marriage?!

We all know that the two original Princesses, Princess Luna and Princess Celestia have been alive for an extremely long time. Like, a ridiculously long amount of time; so long that I couldn’t even count that long. Another known fact is that they don’t ever appear to age, minus that one time where Princess Luna used to be light blue and then somehow became dark blue …

Either way, it seems that there is a secret at hoof here that needed to be revealed, and boy did I find the answers. Only the best answers to the shocking question, how don’t they age?, are printed in this article.

Through some, completely legal, probing it seems that Princess Celestia has one thing that no other pony has in common with her. That is an ability to eat a full cake at once. Yes, you heard it here, she can eat a single cake in one bite. No doubt she has been doing this for quite some time so there is only one conclusion we can draw from this!

Cake is a magic drug! Eat cake and stay alive!

Now, Princess Luna was a little bit tougher to crack, and thanks to some photographs I got from my photographer’s camera, I can offer insight into how she does it. It seems that, from the photographs, she appears to sleep in socks. Do they possess magic healing abilities? I doubt it since my photographer is still deaf and blind from the gale-wind that Princess Luna’s royal voice conjured up.

So there must be something to what she does after wearing them to bed. Either way, avid readers, the answer is socks.

Socks.

By the time the Royal Sisters had finished reading the article, they were on the ground laughing and rolling around as if they were mad. Celestia could hardly make it halfway through before she started to cry from holding back her laughter, while Luna, having read it already, was able to make it all the way to the end this time.

It took several minutes for the Princesses to pull themselves from the floor, chuckles still resounding in the study. After a few moments of regaining their breaths and wiping away tears, they looked at each other again.

“You know what we must do right?” Celestia asked to which Luna gave a rather evil smirk.

“Oh I do sister, I do know indeed.”