“Bleh,” said Suri. “I hate Hearth’s Warming Eve. Nopony is interested in buying clothes around this time. They’ve already purchased all their winter gear. Biggest shopping season of the year and I can’t even profit from it!” She growled in frustration. Her irritation, however, was interrupted by a knock on the door. Desperately hoping it was a customer, she went over to open it.
“Hi! Would you like to donate to the homeless?” asked the unicorn on the other side of the door.
“I gave at the office!” snapped Suri.
“But you don’t work at an office,” said the unicorn.
“Are you going to buy something?” asked Suri.
“Well, no, but if you wouldn’t mind donating some outfits, that would be–”
They were interrupted by Suri slamming the door on them. “Well, it was worth a shot,” he muttered to himself.
“Bah, humbug!” declared Suri. She paused. “Huh, that was an odd thing to say.”
Later…
Suri went up the stairs to her bedroom. As she reached for the doorknob, it suddenly mutated into a weird face before turning back into a doorknob.
“I don’t know what I was thinking when I installed that ‘face doorknob’ installed,” said Suri, shaking her head. She went into the room and went to sleep.
Still later…
“Hey, Suri! Wake up!”
Suri continued snoring.
“I said wake up!”
More snoring.
“Ugh. Hey, Suri, I want to buy something from you.”
Suri suddenly sprang up from the bed. “What do you want?” she asked, turning on a light. She looked at the figure standing in her room and screamed. “A burglar!”
Suri grabbed a lamp and held it threateningly towards the figure. “Stay back! I have an antique lamp from the post-Classical period, and I know how to use it!”
The figure finally walked into the light, revealing a green, translucent earth pony wearing various chains. “I am the ghost of your former partner, Marely!”
“Wait, I never had a partner named Marely,” said Suri, feeling confused. “There was this one assistant I had for a while, but she quit, and I wouldn’t really call her a ‘partner.’ Not to mention that she’s not dead as far as I know. Her name wasn’t Marely, in any case.”
“Uh, well, I am the ghost of your non-existent partner, Marely! And if you continue on your present course, you’re going to end up like me!”
“Nonexistent?” asked Suri.
“Yes!” said Marely. “I mean, no! I mean that like me, you’ll have to carry these chains around forever after you die because you’re so greedy.”
“Are you sure it’s a matter of greed?” asked Suri. “It seems more like you have bondage issues or something.”
“Not the point!”
“And in fact,” said Suri, “now that I look more closely, they look like they’re made of plastic.”
“Look,” said Marely, “we were low on budget, okay?”
“Why are you trying to warn me anyway?” asked Suri. “If you were supposedly so bad in life, why are you suddenly so nice? What kind of a reward do you get for this?”
Marely shrugged. “A paycheck. There isn’t much in the job market for ghosts, you know. Anyway, you will be visited by three other ghosts tonight.”
“Can they put it off for a few days? I’d love to be able to charge people entry to a haunted house.”
“Okay, you know what?” said Marely. “I quit. The pay isn’t worth this.” She took off the chains and walked away.
Suri stared after her for a while. “Well, that was a weird dream. Now I’m going back to sleep.”
Suddenly, there was a flash of light. When it cleared, a translucent Sunset Shimmer stood there. “Hi! I’m the ghost of Hearth’s Warming Eve past!”
Suri continued staring. “Uh, no, you’re Sunset Shimmer.”
Sunset rolled her eyes. “Look, just because I have a passing resemblance to somepony you know–”
“You don’t just have a passing resemblance! You look identical outside of the whole transparency thing!”
“I’m not Sunset Shimmer!”
“Sunset Shimmer says what,” said Suri.
“Huh?” asked Sunset.
“Oh, darn it, you messed up the whole thing,” complained Suri.
Sunset sighed, closed her eyes, and counted to ten before opening her eyes again. “Anyway, I’m supposed to show you your past, when you weren’t the super-greedy pony you are now. Gotta be some point where you were much nicer!” She pulled out a book and started flipping through it. “Um… er… hrm.” She closed the book. “Okay, this might be harder than I expected.”
“Just hurry up,” said Suri. “I’m not paying you by the hour, you know.”
“You’re not paying me at all!” said Sunset. She paused. “In fact, nopony pays me anything! I’m going on strike until I do get paid!” She vanished.
Suri stared at the space where Sunset was previously staring. “I wonder, am I going to be able to go back to bed now?”
Her question was answered by Sunset reappearing. “Ugh, they said I have to finish up with this before I can try to get a raise. So fine. We’re going into your past.” Her horn flared and the two disappeared.
They reappeared in an odd location. A brown plain had a large wooden block on it with what looked like a branch on top of it. On the branch and the block were watches that looked as if they were melting, along with a stopwatch covered with ants. Cliffs were in the distance, and next to the block was an odd white object that looked vaguely like a blanket, also with a melting watch on it. “Does this scene look familiar?” asked Sunset.
“Uh, no,” said Suri.
“I thought so,” said Sunset. “Let’s try this again.” Her horn glowed a second time, and the scene suddenly shifted to a street corner. The two saw a younger-looking Suri conversing with a stallion.
“Ha!” said Sunset, pointing at the scene. “This is where your boyfriend broke up with you because you were so into money!”
“Actually,” said Suri, “if memory serves right, I was just asking this guy for directions.”
“Oh,” said Sunset. “Um, well, hopefully this will have caused you to seriously reconsider the way you live your life.” Her horn glowed and the two returned to Suri’s room.
“You know,” said Suri, “I’ll admit I don’t have much of a baseline to compare with, but you seem kind of lousy as a Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Eve Past.”
“Look, all I want to do is just get paid and get done with this job,” said Sunset.
“See, this is what I’m talking about,” said Suri. “You’re apparently trying to tell me not to be hung up on possessions, but you’re constantly going on about money you want. I don’t think you’re very good at your job.”
“Should’ve taken that part-time job haunting that house,” muttered Sunset, “but no, I had to give this job a shot instead.” There was a pause.
“So, uh, what now?” asked Suri.
“I’m waiting for my shift replacement, the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Eve Present, to show up,” said Sunset. “She’s supposed to be here. I guess there is a 5-minute grace period before they’d actually get in trouble.”
Several minutes passed. Sunset clearly grew irritated. “Come on! Where is she? We’re 4 minutes and 45 seconds past the deadline!”
Just then, a translucent Lightning Dust crashed into the room through the roof. Luckily, she seemed immaterial, so the roof remained unharmed. “Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Eve Presents reporting for duty!” she declared with a salute. She paused. “Nah, ghost sounds too dead. How about the Spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Presents?”
“Uh, I think it’s the Ghost… or Spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Present. As in ‘present day.’”
“Well of course it’s Present Day! Hearth’s Warming Eve is all about presents!” said Lightning Dust.
Sunset sighed. “Screw it. I don’t care anymore. This is your problem now.” She walked off.
“So, uh, if it’s about presents, where are the presents?” asked Suri.
“Good point!” said Lightning Dust. A large quantity of presents suddenly appeared. “These presents represent all the stuff you have denied yourself throughout your life!”
“But I buy all sorts of stuff,” said Suri.
“No, I mean, like, more metaphorical things. Like, y’know, friendship and love and stuff. The stuff you should get through generosity.”
“Do I get to keep the presents?” asked Suri.
“No!” said Lightning Dust. “They’re all mine! MINE!”
“I thought you were supposed to be teaching me about generosity.”
“Hrm, good point,” said Lightning Dust.
“Oh, and Lightning Dust, why are you doing this?”
“I’m not Lightning Dust! I’m the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Eve Presents! And oh boy, is that a mouthful to say each time. Anyway, I just happen to have a mild resemblance to somepony you know named Lightning Dust.”
“Can I get an answer to my question?” asked Suri.
“I’m doing it because it’s my duty as the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Eve Presents! But another duty is to show you things in the present, so we’re going to go around and see what a few individuals you know are doing.”
Lightning Dust grabbed Suri and flew up through the ceiling. Unfortunately, all that was accomplished was Suri hit her head on the ceiling and then fell to the floor. Lightning Dust went back through the ceiling. “Oops. Forgot you’re not immaterial like I am.” She opened a window, then grabbed Suri and flew out with her.
The two flew for a short while and reached Trixie’s wagon. “Now see what Trixie is doing on this Hearth’s Warming Eve!”
“Why Trixie?” asked Suri.
“Because everypony else you know is out of town for a bunch of reasons that aren’t relevant right now.”
Lightning Dust and Suri looked into the wagon’s window. Trixie was eating what seemed to be a pitifully small meal.
“Huh, that looks like a pitifully small meal,” said Suri. “Is she on a diet?”
“No!” declared Lightning Dust dramatically. “She’s just so poor that’s all she can afford! The constant upkeep on the wagon has cost her the majority of her money!”
“Enh,” said Suri. “She could always just sell the wagon and get an apartment or something. Would probably be cheaper.”
“No, don’t you get it? You’re supposed to feel really bad she has to undergo such hardship.”
“Okay,” said Suri. “I feel bad. Can I go now?”
“Not before one last thing!” said Lightning Dust. A dirty-looking Flim and Flam appeared.
“Uh, why are Flim and Flam here, and why do they look so dirty?” asked Suri.
“No, these aren’t Flim and Flam. These are Ignorance and Want. Beware them both, but especially the Want.”
“Wait,” said Flam. “Am I the Ignorance or the Want?”
“I’m pretty sure you’re the Ignorance,” said Flim.
“I don’t want to be Ignorance! You be Ignorance! I’d rather want stuff than be ignorant of them.”
“No, no, didn’t you hear what she said? Want should be the one especially bewared. I’m being nice by letting you be Ignorance.”
Lightning Dust sighed. “Okay, maybe this part was a bad idea.” The two vanished. “Well, I guess my work is done. Go ahead, walk back to your store.”
“You can’t fly me back?”
“Maybe if you lost a few pounds,” said Lightning Dust.
“Are you calling me fat?” asked Suri indignantly.
“No, just overweight,” said Lightning Dust. “Anyway, I’m off for an audition with the Ghost Wonderbolts. I’m sure this will totally impress them and get me in!” She dashed off.
With nothing else to do, Suri went back to her store. Unfortunately, she discovered she was now locked out of her house. “Darn it!” she said. “Now I have to go get help.”
“Not quite yet!” came a voice. Suri turned around to see a translucent Gilda. “So are you the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Eve Future?”
Gilda shrugged. “Pretty much. I was supposed to wear this ominous cape and hood, but they were sized for ponies, not griffons, so I kind of decided to forego the whole thing.”
“So,” said Suri, “are we going to go into the future or something?”
“Yeah, but we have to be careful to avoid spoilers,” said Gilda. “So we can’t show too much. Anyway, here we go!”
The two suddenly found themselves in Ponyville, except that night had turned to day. Many of the buildings looked different. Additionally, Suri’s store looked far more broken down.
“So, this is the future?” asked Suri.
“Yep,” said Gilda.
“How far?”
“You know,” said Gilda, “I suddenly remembered I’m supposed to be all silent and spooky. So I won’t answer any more questions about the future.”
“Great,” said Suri. “Just great. Guess I’ll have to figure this out on my own.” She opened the door and went in.
The interior of the building was essentially barren but covered with a lot of dust. “Well, let’s see,” said Suri to herself. “Either I moved somewhere else, or we’ve gone so far into the future I died. Kind of a grisly thought. Oh well.”
Suri left the house. “Okay, so now what?”
“Told you,” said Gilda, “not answering your questions about this future. Might answer other questions if I feel like it, though.”
“Oh yeah,” said Suri, “I forgot to ask. Why are you doing this, Gilda? Or are you going to claim that you also just have a superficial similarity to Gilda?”
“Huh? No, I’m totally Gilda. I just took this as a side job of sorts. Pays surprisingly well. Plus, because I go into the future, I can find out the results of sports games and make money by betting on the winning team!”
“Couldn’t that cause a temporal paradox?”
“Enh,” said Gilda. “Not my problem.”
Suri shrugged. “Guess I’ll just go take a look around.” She walked off.
Half an hour later…
Suri returned. “Wow, this future is actually pretty cool! Lots of new technology that makes things way more convenient! I think I want to stick around here.”
“You like it? You aren’t at all worried about how you’re generally disliked in this future?”
“Who cares?” asked Suri. “I just want to stick around here in the future so I can take advantage of all this cool future stuff. I mean, did you know–”
“Hey, hey!” said Gilda. “Don’t go into too much detail now. Spoilers, you know. Anyway, no, you don’t get to stay in this future.”
“Aw, come on,” whined Suri. “I actually like it here. It might take a little work to get my cash back together, but it’s worth it.”
“Whatever,” said Gilda. “I did my part.” The two suddenly were transported to present-day Ponyville. “Anyway, see you.”
“Wait!” said Suri. “I’m still locked out of my house!”
“Not my problem!” said Gilda. “Besides, I’ve got some bets to place.” She walked off.
Suri stared at the door, then shrugged and tried to kick it down. It held firm. “Oh, right. I got this thing reinforced. Ugh. And I’ll have to wait until the morning to get somepony over to help.”
Unable to do anything else, Suri went over to Trixie’s wagon to try to find a place to stay the night. She knocked. Trixie opened the door.
“Uh, hi. Kinda got locked out of my house and was wondering if I could stay the night here,” said Suri.
“Well,” said Trixie, “I’m out of food at the moment, and it is a bit cramped, but okay. I don’t have any beds, though, so you’ll have to sleep on the floor like I do.”
“No bed?” asked Suri.
“Costs too much. But yeah, you can come in.”
“Thanks!” said Suri.
The next day…
“Ugh,” said Suri. “How do you sleep in this thing? It’s so uncomfortable without a bed.”
Trixie shrugged. “You get used to it.”
“You know what?” asked Suri. “Because you showed me some kindness here, and because I achieved some kind of enlightenment due to last night’s events, I’m going to repay you! I’ll give you 50% off of any outfit you want!”
“Oh, wow!” said Trixie. “That is generous. Thanks!”
And so, Suri became a changed mare and showed her generosity in offering reasonable discounts. And everypony lived happily ever after.
Suri finished reading, put down the pieces of paper, and stared at Trixie.
“So, did you like my Hearth's Warming Eve story about you?” asked Trixie as she bounced up and down. “I worked really hard on it!”
Suri looked back at the story she just read, then looked back at Trixie. “It was, um, definitely not something I expected to read.”
“Did you think the characterization was right?” asked Trixie excitedly. “What about the humor? Do you think the prose was too simple?”
“Um,” was all Suri could manage to say.
“I bet you want to read my other story, too! It’s about Lightning Dust coming up with the idea of this character named ‘Mare Do Well’ to sell merchandise of! And then–”
“Hey, you know what, Trixie?” asked Suri. “How about you bring that story over to Lightning Dust? I’m sure she’d be extremely interested because it’s about her.”
“That’s a great idea!” declared Trixie. She ran out.
Suri stared after her, then looked back at the story she read. “I’m suddenly afraid to go to bed tonight.”