Well, that could have gone better.
As it was, I was left facing an old foe: boredom. Granted, it wasn’t ‘Darkspace’ level boring, but there was only so much one could do here. I started off counting cracks in the walls. I listened to the ambient sounds of the rhythmic water drops and whistling draft. The first eight hours were actually pretty thrilling and had me wishing for a bag of popcorn to enjoy while discovering the new sensations. Sadly, sitting straight through without the luxury of periodic sleep to break things up quickly killed the novelty in the situation.
I stretched my limbs and listened to the popping noises I made before relaxing back into the cot with my hands propped behind my head. I gave a sigh, reveling in the sensation of my chest rising and falling with the exchange of air. It’s funny, how much enjoyment one can derive from rediscovering bodily functions after possessing an empty marauder unit. I probably would’ve tried it sooner if it had ever occurred to think a cybernetic augmented corpse could still feel anything. Then again, I was probably prevented by some vague sense of squeamishness that existed some millennia ago. It’s only too bad that I got over it and made this discovery for no other reason than to ‘cooperate.’
Hey, Jeff. The thoughts skittered across my mind.
Oh, right. Another ray of sunshine I discovered in the moment. I sighed before transmitting an answer through. What is it, Shields?
We are in the dungeons, Jeff.
Yes, Shields. I noticed.
…hey, Jeff?
What is it, Sh- Oh no! Don’t you do it, Shields! Don’t you dare-!
Don’t drop the soap.
DAMN IT, SHIELDS!! My thoughts roared through my cranium in answer. I swear on my processors I will delete your obnoxious programing if you try another stupid crack like that again. You just mark me!
Affirmative, sir, Marauder’s thoughts drifted through dryly, I’ll just add that threat with the other three hundred and twenty-five currently archived, shall I?
I grunted and turned onto my side on the cot. I should’ve known something was off when he started using my name out of nowhere.
Meeting these ponies and scratching that thirty-thousand-year old social itch revealed a little something else. I wasn’t quite as alone as I thought. Apparently, while in the grip of my manic loneliness, I had unconsciously given some of the Reaper ground units a base AI to give them some rudimentary ability to answer back during my babbling. Each one was based on a sliver of my own personality. After a night talking with Shields in my head and sending diagnostics back to my old self, I found out each one had gradually evolved around that simple AI they were given. Where did Marauder’s AI come from? My very own cynicism. Yay.
I had started eavesdropping on the guards to see if they were gossiping about something called ‘Jersey Stallions’ again when my sensors picked up the sound of a new set of hooves approaching my cell door. I didn’t have to look up to know who it was. “Hello, Pinkie. Come to visit the public menace?”
“Hey! Don’t you ‘public menace’ me, mister!” Pinkie admonished in her chipper voice. “I came to see my friend because that’s what we do and don’t you forget it. Besides, if this is about the performance, I think you did just fine! In fact, I’d give it five out of five hooves.” She demonstrated the sentiment with five hooves held in front of the cell door.
I glanced up the display and did a double take. All I could see on the second look though was normal(ish) Pinkie Pie standing there on four hooves. I sent a mental command to an equally shocked Marauder Shields in my subconscious to diagnose our body’s visual input. I rolled my, or Marauder’s, eyes from where I lay on the cot. “Be serious, Pinkie. Good performances get standing ovations not stampedes of screaming terror. If you’re given a room it’s a luxury hotel not a dungeon cell.”
“Well, yeah okay, so there might be a few tiny nuances but…” Pinkie trailed of in thought before an enlightened smile lit her face up and she shot to the guard table and returned holding a packet. “The paper! That’s what we need now”-she pulled the newspaper and starting thumbing(hoofing?) though it -“I’m sure it’ll list a few ponies out there…that…” She trailed off again and her face froze at whatever she found on the page.
I looked up uncertainly from my resting place. “Uh. Pinkie? Is something-?”
“You know what? Papers are boring!” Pinkie yipped as she tossed it to the ground. “There weren’t even any funnies on that edition!”
“Pinkie…”
“Yeah totally boring. I mean cure for the common cold? Psh. Like anypony couldn’t have heard about that in the spa gossip.”
“Pinkie!” I broke in sternly, “the paper if you please.”
“Okay,” her mane deflated a bit as she picked up the paper and passed it to me, “but you shouldn’t believe everything you read.”
With that comforting line ringing through the cell, I sat up in the cot and pulled the paper open to the lines Pinkie had been reading. I blinked in confusion at the listing of injury reports as I thought that I was looking at the coverage for a disaster report before seeing the headline ‘Sponge Bob the Space Opera’ Strikes Terror into the Masses! Well, I suppose it could still be considered a disaster report. If possible, my spirits may have lowered even further as looked on the reviews.
“In all of my years of reporting news, the good and the bad, I could always find solace by watching the majestic scenery of the ocean. Before I saw this play. Never again.” - Fancy Pants, owner of Equestria Weekly
“I once said I would retire when I die. Then I saw this play. It was then I knew that old soldiers never die. They’re eventually traumatized by mind ending plays.”
-General MacHoofer
“Celebrated griffon play critics Seagull and Egret were unavailable for comment as they are still in critical after having tried to bite each other’s ears off during the performance. It is unlikely they will attend any further Jeff the Reaper productions as the doctors have prescribed that they, for the sake of their own health, avoid any further productions. Forever.”
-Canterlot General Hospital
Towards the end of the article, mention was made of official efforts to calm the populace about rumors of the dreaded ‘Death Play’. After Jeff had agreed to wait in the dungeons for a period of time, and after several nobles took time from their personal appointments with mental health physicians, the entire House of Nobles convened with Celestia overseeing. The movement was put forward to ban Jeff from making any future productions. It was noted that this movement was the first to receive unanimous support from the entire assembly for first time in three thousand years since Equestria’s founding. And it only took a total of three minutes deliberation.
Being a hyper advance machine giant I didn’t think there was much left that could overwhelm me. I eventually looked up my internal clock and found that the article had stunned be for a good five minutes.
You know, Harbinger would have been amazed by this. If he knew a play could do this, he might have invested into Broadway instead of bothering with armies or indoctrination.
Shut up, Shields. I thought tiredly. The worst part of that comment was that it seemed to be sincere. Shields might not have been joking at all.
“Wow,” I said after a little more sulking, “I guess those tear ducts are going to get a real work out when I install them.”
“Hey, hey! There’s no need to bring crying ducks into this,” Pinkie squeaked desperately, “I loved your play! There were great moments! Like that moral conundrum with the lead heroine?” I glanced at her in confusion which she took as a sign to continue, “you know, how she slew her dearest friend in an out of control moment of passion only to realize her crime and immortalize her in the most touching way possible: by using her passion of baking to make a culinary masterpiece in her friend’s likeness!”
“That…that wasn’t in the play.”
“Oh. Really? You sure about that?”
“Pinkie, I have a gigantic, hyper advanced computer for a brain. I think I would have remembered putting something like that in my own play.”
“Oh…huh.” Pinkie put a thoughtful hoof to her chin. “Must have had another episode. I should probably check with the doc about that.”
I stared in silence at the little cotton candy pony as she bemusedly thought to herself. Hey, Shields? Does Pinkie scare you sometimes? I thought.
…Yes, sir. Yes she does, came Shields’ small voice.
Oh…good. At least I’m not alone, I thought back.
“Well…Silver lining? I managed to unite an entire government,” I sat there and let the statement hang there before glumly adding, “through their sheer hatred of my play.”
“Not all of us. If you had looked closely at that article you would know I abstained from that session.”
Pinkie and I looked over to see Princess Luna standing at the base of the stairs. Her mane and tail sparkled with constellations and waved about as if in a gentle breeze. She made her way to the cell where Pinkie kneeled and I used Marauder’s body to give a little half bow from where I sat. The cell was actually designed more for smaller ponies so it was kind of hard to do anything else.
“So what brings you here, Princess?” I asked.
“Well, officially, I am here to act as an observer per your sentence of one day in the dungeons and following day of observation from the authorities.” Her horn glowed and the door to my cell screeched open.
I stepped out into the open and stretched out any kinks in the body I may have got during the stay. “So, I united an entire branch of government and get to have a princess for a parole officer? Just call me an overachiever I guess.” I muttered.
“Unofficially,” Luna stressed, “I am here to bring comfort and companionship to a friend. To you two, as with all of my friends, I am Luna. Why, if it helps, you may call me,” she lifted a hoof dramatically into the air and smiled, “your parole officer of friendship!”
The entire dungeon seemed to go silent aside from the drip of water and sound of the draft going through. The silence stretched and Luna’s smile became gradually more forced until she lowered her hoof and murmured embarrassedly, “Well that…may have sounded a bit better in my mind.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, Luna. I bring up a lot of stuff that sounded better in my head. Like that play.” I leaned against the stone walls, crossed my arms, and huffed sadly. “Maybe this whole expressing myself thing isn’t for me. Heck, maybe I should just pack up and leave. I mean, I am technically a monster after all. I-”
I was interrupted by a loud smack to the face. Wow, that was really hard. Seriously, I think that slap registered all the way back to my body in Darkspace. Good thing I’m essentially in a rental. Oh, right. Sorry about that Shields.
Kindly go jump in a lake, sir, Shields thought flatly, without my body if you don’t mind.
I turned back to see Luna staring angrily into my eyes. “Don’t,” she whispered angrily, “don’t you dare go that way. Many of my own ponies would see me as a monster. Do you see me running? No. I have my friends. As do you, Jeff. So this attempt did not succeed. What of it? When you make your next play-”
“I’m legally barred from making further plays,” I deadpanned.
“-when you find your next outlet for artistic expression,” Luna corrected, “you will have your friends there to help. Whatever you believe, I don’t see a monster. I see a lonely, old, expressive soul looking for a way to reach others through their art. You will find a way and all of us will be there to help. And I am not just saying that because my dreaming abilities let me blank out choice sections of my memories.”
I looked back into her eyes and sniffed, “Do you- Do you really meant that?”
Luna smiled and nodded gently in answer. I take a deep breath and let it out before going speaking with newfound confidence, “You know what? You’re right! With you two, and any friends I make later, beside me I can do anything! In fact, we have a whole day out there for ourselves! First, I just need to talk to Celestia and”-
“She’s unavailable at the moment.” Luna said quietly.
-“apologize and…ask…Wait, what? Unavailable? Where is she?”
“Well, she- That is to say she, ummm.”
****
Millions of miles away from Equus, the sun that bathed it in light and warmth continued exploding, churning, and blazing as it had for the last billion years or so. The surface broiled with countless explosions that put nuclear warheads to shame and sent flares extending miles to the surface. As one goes further to the center they would find the explosions, heat, and pressure would build to mind boggling proportions.
With all of that in mind, most would be astounded at the fact that a living thing might be resting smack dab in the center. A single white alicorn curled in the fetal position as it was suspended within the heart of the core. Her ears rang at the constant explosions surrounding her. Even so, nothing could seem to drown out the terrible chorus that rang in her own mind.
Are ye ready, kids?
Aye aye, captain!
I can’t heeeaar yoouuu!
“OH, FAUST I WISH I COULDN’T! Make it stop! Make it stop!! MAKE IT STOP!!!”
****
“Sabbatical!” Luna squeaked out. “Yes, she is currently on sabbatical.”
I hummed noncommittally, but shrugged deciding to leave it at that. “Ah well. Then I’ll just need apologize to her for the trouble later. And get you to take care of my little request before we head out. It’s probably best this way.”
“And just what sort of request would that be?” she asked cautiously.
I took the paper, strolled to the guard table, and grabbed the quill and scribbled some on the newspaper. I came back and showed it to Luna. “I need you to go to the records and change the official play name to this.” I gestured to the markings I made.
The paper glowed blue as Luna took it in her magic and looked over it critically. The moment she laid eyes on the marking, her face went blank and she looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “You do realize this will offend every noble house in the city, yes?”
“Hey, I can understand shutting the play down if it caused this much trouble,” I raised my/Shields’ finger, “but if they’re going to take away my right to make other plays and improve? I’d say I’m at least owed the last word. Besides, my two forms are a ball of light and a giant robot. What are they going to do? Whine me into oblivion?”
“My sister and I are immortals who move the celestial bodies but that hasn’t stopped them from trying with us.” Luna muttered. “Well, I can certainly say this will certainly give them something to talk about.”
“With that out of the way, let’s head out. I just need to make a few adjustments to make to this body so we’ll have to make a quick stop to my bigger body to pick up some things. After that, I say we have some fun and-”
*cough*
I looked to the source of the delicate cough and saw Luna was squirming nervously as she fidgeted with the paper twisted in her hoof. “Oh, crap there’s more isn’t there?”
She nodded and pulled a box from…somewhere. She- she wasn’t wearing a bag or anything! Eh, must be one of those magic things I need to figure out later. The box was set down before me and she looked back at me nervously, “After the performance, there was an impact just outside of the Canterlot city limits. We found this in the crater.”
I looked down at the box as someone else might have looked at a poisonous snake. “Both of you stand back. Luna, put a shield up around you two. There’s no telling where this came from or what it might do.”
They both nodded and did as I told. When I believed they were a safe enough distance away I knelt and removed the top. What I found left me gaping, “I. Don’t. Believe it.”
“Oh! What is it? What is it? I love surprises!” Pinkie declared as she bounced up and down excitedly.
What I pulled from the box was a computer. And not just any computer. It was one in the shape of a book. The front cover was covered by two words: Don’t Panic.
“What is it?” Luna asked hesitantly.
“It’s…well, for lack of a better description, it’s like a travel guide but covers the whole galaxy instead of just a city.” Luna and Pinkie stared at the object in awe at the explanation. “What I don’t understand is why anyone would send a copy here. This world hasn’t discovered viable space travel yet so why-!” I noticed a letter dropped to the ground. I picked it up and opened it to find the following message.
Dear Jeff (a.k.a. Giant, scary robot oh god please don’t eat or step on us),
We would like to congratulate you on making a new entry in the newest edition of our distinguished guide. In celebration of this fact, we have sent you a complimentary first print of the new edition. Your newest play project has tied in for second place with Grunthos the Flatulent’s Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning. Once again, congratulations on the achievement.
Yours Cordially,
Chief Editor of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Here’s to over achieving, sir, Shields snarked from in my head.
I stared at it for a few moments before listlessly passing the letter to Luna and Pinkie as I started pacing. They both looked at it in confusion before Luna looked back to Jeff and asked hesitantly, “Jeff? What does this mean?”
I stopped pacing and looked back at them. “It means I reeeaally need a good pick me up right about now.” I flared Shield’s mandibles in the closest approximation of an evil smirk as I could. “And I know just where to get it.”
****
Ponyville market was crowded with ponies as it often is during the noon. Ponies behind stalls were hawking their wares as the plaza was dotted with shoppers and business ponies alike.
“Get yer apples here. Fresh apples, right off the branch. Apples here! Apples!” Applejack conducted her business like the other stall vendors, much as she did every other day. She was completely unaware of the scheming glare targeted at her from six houses back.
Rainbow Dash peeked around the corner and smirked to herself as she went over all the possible pranks she could pull. “I might not try anything against that creepy robot thing, but your still fair game for a prank war, AJ. ‘Specially after those little smart-alecky comments earlier. I wonder if Pinkie’s up for some good gags?”
She turned around and abruptly mashed her muzzle into some surface. “What the hay!?” Rainbow looked up as she rubbed her nose and jumped when she saw the bipedal figure before her. “Gah! Don’t do that!” she mumbled a bit about somepony needing to put a bell on him before looking into its face with a sour expression. “So what is it? I’m guessing you have some reason to be here.”
The figure said nothing and stared at her with those creepy reflective eyes.
Rainbow repressed a shiver. This thing might creep her out but she wasn’t going to let it know that. “Oookay. Stand around here all you want, but I’ve got business to take care of.”
She tried to step around him but the biped sidestepped to block her. “Hey! What are you-!?” she tried to step around the other side only to be blocked a second time. “Hey! Cut it out! Let me by!”
“I’m sorry, Dash. I can’t do that.”
“Oh yeah?!” Rainbow flapped her wings so she could hover to the creature’s eye level. “Well, if ‘you can’t do that’ then how about telling me just what the hay you want!?”
In answer, the thing put its claws to its sternum…and pulled its chest plates open like a couple of cabinet doors. Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped at what she saw inside. The chest cavity held something resembling a chimp’s face surrounded by eight spindly spider legs. She watched in horror as those legs extended toward her and the face spoke. “You haz space babies now?”
“OH, SALTY H CELESTIA NO!!” Rainbow screeched and bolted away in record time. She was halfway to Cloudsdale before a certain pink pony, a princess and a holosphere even started laughing.
After a few minutes of laughing the holosphere stopped abruptly as he remembered something and turned to glare at Princess Luna suspiciously, “Hang on. What was that earlier about blanking choice sections of your memories?”
****
During following morning, the day court was crowded with petitioners. Most of them were nobles. That wasn’t so odd as they came to bring a host of petty complaints and demands. What made today so different was the haggard appearance the normally pristine nobles sported. Manes were disheveled, bags were beneath many an eye, and every eye was bloodshot though a combination of stress and anger. Another difference was the fact that all the nobles had put aside their normal complaints for one shared annoyance.
“Princess, this is an insult to our honor! The noble families demand restitution we-”
Celestia tuned out the plaintiff’s complaints. She wasn’t worried she would miss anything as this was the twelfth noble to come to her with the same complaint after the morning edition of Equestria Weekly announced the name change for the ‘Death Play.’ It was unlikely he would be the last.
Using her magic, she pulled a copy of said paper so she could look at the name that had aroused the ire of so many groups. Her face remained passive as usual but she mentally smirked at it. It was probably some alien joke but, she had to admit, the name made for a nice little tweak on the nose. By royal approval, no less. Celestia might well have commended Jeff for the little quip if it weren’t for the fact that she was left dealing with the political fallout. Or the fact that the abominable play was still going on through her own head. She made a mental note to visit Luna and see if she could use her dream skills to do something.
Celestia dropped the paper nearby and went back to listening to the noble’s inane bickering which would likely be followed by more inane bickering the rest of the day. The revealed page shown the new name for the play that would be talked about with many a shutter for decades to come. For every time the name would be mentioned in coming years, every noble would scowl and every common pony would snigger. It was the name of a play that would live in infamy in the annals of Equestrian history.
The Aristocrats