You are Anonymous. And you are at one of the liveliest parties you've ever attended.
The guests are happily chatting, the wine is flowing freely, and the music is top notch. But most importantly, today is the day that you will finally be instated as Head Chair of the Court.
For years, you've done everything you could to obtain that position. A favor here, a secret deal there. Such is politics, even in this land of pastel-colored talking horses. Fortunately for you, the citizens here are rather welcoming. Much friendlier than the people back at home. Or at least that's how they act to your face.
"I see you've made it, Anonymous."
Turning around, you find yourself facing none other than Twilight Sparkle. She is in full royal regalia, purple and gold silk flowing down her dress. Jewels elegantly litter the fabric. Her piece probably cost more than your entire year's salary.
"Greetings, Twilight," you say with a bow.
"We're in a formal setting. It's 'Princess Twilight Sparkle,'" she says rather curtly, a small smile plastered on her face.
You try your best not to roll your eyes. Lately the title has gotten to her head for some strange reason. Maybe it's something she read in one of her many books about royalty.
"My apologies, Princess of Friendship," you say, the slightest hint of sarcasm in your voice.
"And Books."
"And Books," you correct yourself.
"To be completely honest, I didn't think you would come."
"Oh? And why is that, if I may ask?" You say as you take a glass of wine from a passing waiter.
"It just seemed logically unlikely. I did the math."
"Perhaps you forgot to carry the two."
"Very funny, Anonymous. I don't make errors as simple as that. In fact, I got a perfect score on the Canterlot Mathematical Extrapolation Exam."
"That's because you wrote the damn thing," you mutter under your breath as you take a sip.
"What was that?"
"I said I'm sure you did."
She seems satisfied with your answer. "Well, I'm off to meet the rest of our guests. Farewell."
A flood of relief washes over you as you give a slight bow. "Farewell."
As soon as she turns around to harass her next poor victim, you down the rest of your glass.
It's sometimes not a good idea to show your true sentiments about someone to their face. Especially if that someone has official royal authority. Besides, she's the one who said she'd assign you to be Head Chair. You can at least afford to show her some common courtesy, even if she is a royal pain in the ass.
A servant hops up to the front of the stage and clears his throat, signaling all the guests to stop talking.
"Ladies and Gentlecolts, and Anonymous..."
You tip your empty glass in his direction.
"...I present to you, Princess Celestia!"
The floor rumbles as a light thunder of hooves stomp on the ground. You give your own light applause as well.
Celestia appears on the stage, a warm smile on her face. As soon as the applause dies down, she speaks up, her motherly tone filling the room.
"Citizens of Canterlot, today is a day of celebration as we welcome our new Head Chair of the Court. I personally could not have asked for a better leader who's intelligent..."
That's you.
"...strong-willed..."
Yep.
"...and has a humble heart..."
Most definitely you.
"I welcome to you, our new Head Chair..."
You can barely contain your excitement.
"...Princess Twilight Sparkle!"
Wait, what?
A loud round of applause shakes the floor once again as Twilight flies up to the stage, smiling from ear to ear. You're too shocked to join them. Hopefully no one notices.
"Thank you, everybody! This is truly an honor! First of all, I would like to thank my books..."
You silently make an exit as she rambles on about whatever it is she's talking about, trying your best not to curl your hands up into fists until after you leave the building. Her voice grows fainter as you distance yourself from everyone and head straight to your home, your inner thoughts boiling with rage.
You're gonna need a drink.
________________________
"That conniving, double-crossing, lying bitch!" you yell as you throw your chair across the room, causing it to splinter on impact.
Your pegasus assistant on the couch shows no reaction as you continue to throw your childish fit. "More alcohol, sir?"
Tired and inebriated, you finally sit down and hold out your cup, rubbing your temples with your other hand. "Yes, thank you, Finch."
She pours some more of the golden liquor into your glass. You begin to swirl your drink around, watching the liquid flow.
"She made a promise, and she broke it. All those years. All that capital. All for nothing. I'm still stuck in the same position."
"Many ponies would do anything to be Second Chair, sir."
You heavily sigh and take a sip of your drink. "I know."
"So what's the plan, sir?"
You ponder for a bit, your drunken thoughts clouding your judgment.
"First, I'm going to go to bed. Then I'm going to wake up, clean up this mess, and have a talk with our new Head Chair."
"Anything I can do, sir?"
"Not right now. Go home and get some rest, Finch. You've witnessed enough drunken violence for one night."
"Thank you, sir. Have a good night, sir."
She gives a curt nod and leaves the room, leaving the bottle on the table in front of you. Soon, you can hear the flapping of wings as she takes off into the night sky.
Grumbling some more obscenities to yourself, you finish your drink and lie down on the couch. It doesn't take long before your eyelids soon grow heavy, and you drift quietly off to sleep.
________________________
You're standing outside of the throne room as you hear your name being announced.
"And next is Anonymous, Second Chair of the Court and Ambassador from Earth."
The door opens and you enter, your usual fake smile plastered on your face. It would be a lot easier to do this if your hangover doesn't hurt so much.
Soon enough, you reach the base of the throne and give a slight bow. Funnily enough, Twilight is the only princess who requires her subjects to bow before her before speaking in court. You'd blame it on the books, but you don't know what's inside them. Evidently a certain someone made a law stating that only princesses could read books about royalty.
"The room recognizes your presence, Anonymous," Twilight states matter-of-factly.
No shit.
"Thank you, Your Highness. If I may, I request an audience with the Princess...alone."
"...Very well."
She waves everyone else out. Murmuring can be heard as they leave the room. Soon, the door closes, leaving you alone with Twilight.
Could you strangle her to death before they get suspicious and check the room? The thought tempts you.
"Your Highness, I don't want to sound rude, but about the position of Head Chair..."
"Yes?"
You try to find a way to phrase this without sounding too blunt.
"Before last night. Do you recall making an...agreement with me about that position?"
"Of course I did. But I changed my mind."
"But you made a promise," you say before biting your inner cheek.
"Sorry, Anonymous. I redid my calculations, and you are mathematically speaking not the best fit for Head Chair. I was the better choice from a purely objective standpoint."
Sounds like a bullshit way of saying 'my opinion is fact, and I think I'm better than you.'
"Regardless of your...'calculations,' the basis of a promise is that one keeps them. Breaking a promise is an act of bad faith."
"I am aware of that, Anonymous. But as I am a princess, I royally pardoned myself for breaking that promise, so that is no longer an issue."
The urge to strangle is rising in your gut.
"If I may ask, why did you want to be Head Chair? You're already the Princess of Friendship--"
"And Books."
You try your best not to grit your teeth. "And Books. You clearly have enough on your plate already. Why add more?"
She giggles, covering her mouth with a hoof.
"Silly Anonymous. I want to do all those things. And someone's got to do them. Without me, Equestria would probably be in ruins right now. I should probably be called the Princess of Saving Equestria."
Or the Princess of Being a Bitch.
"I see..."
"Don't take it personally, Anonymous. I'm just objectively better than you, so I'm simply the better option for these responsibilities. Nothing personal. After all, you're doing what you do solely to serve your citizens and your Princesses regardless of position, right?"
Absolutely not.
"Absolutely."
"That's good to hear. Is that all?"
Looks like there is no use in pressing the matter any further. You'd have better luck convincing a brick wall to grow legs and tap dance.
"...It is. Thank you, Your Highness."
"Good. Please let the rest of my court in on your way out. Today we're trying to make it a law where it is illegal for Zebras to procreate."
________________________
Finch looks up from her paperwork as you enter your office.
"How did it go, sir?"
You throw your coat onto a nearby hook and raise your arms in defeat. "Oh, just wonderful. Evidently I'm an 'objectively' worse fit for Head Chair than she is."
"I'm sorry to hear that, sir."
"And for the millionth time, stop calling me 'sir.' We're not in the military."
"Yes sir."
You groan in defeat as you collapse on your chair and start to idly spin around, watching the room circle around you for a few moments before your lurching stomach causes you to stop. The sooner this hangover passes, the better.
"So what's the plan, s--, uhh..." Finch tries to recover herself. "Uhh..."
"Smooth, Finch," you interject. "But our plan is simple. We simply wait for an opportunity."
"And then?"
"We grab it by the neck and suck the life out of it."
"Ew, gross."
"Exactly. Now let's go over our agenda for this week. Actually, scratch that. Could you get me an ice pack? My head feels like it's about to split in two."
"Sure, Head Chair Anonymous."
"'Anon' is fine."
"Sure...Anon."
A short laugh escapes you. "Finally. Progress."
________________________
Weeks go by and nothing really happens. But that's the thing about life. If you can't get a door to open, sometimes you just have to wait for one to do so. Maybe a door will open, or maybe it won't. But you're a patient man. You can wait until you're dead. Fortunately for you, you didn't have to wait that long.
A knocking on your office door brings you back to reality.
"What is it?" you say.
Finch's voice speaks out from the other side of the door. "The Princess of Friendship--"
"And Books," Twilight interrupts.
"And Books is here to see you."
That's interesting. What does she want?
"Let her in."
Finch opens the door, letting the Princess inside your room. She enters with the same old smile on her face. Oh, what'd you give to punch it.
The door gently closes, leaving the two of you alone. You rise from your seat and give a little bow.
"Welcome, Your Highness. Care for something to drink?"
"No thanks. I won't be here long. By the way, did you notice that your personal assistant didn't address you by 'sir?' That's bad etiquette. You should fire her."
Chuckling a bit, you shake your head. "No thanks. I gave her explicit instructions to stop calling me that."
"But protocol dictates that a male authority figure be addressed as such. Rules exist for a reason."
"So why are you here, Your Highness?" you ask to change the topic.
"Ah, yes. Well, recently there have been territorial disputes between the minotaurs and gryphons. I want you to help me settle this issue."
You raise an eyebrow. "Isn't that within your established responsibilities as Head Chair? Settling disputes and whatnot?"
"Well, usually that is the case. However, given one of the parties involved, I think you would provide invaluable input toward a solution."
One of the parties? Is she implying that just because you're bipedal and have hands, you can relate to minotaurs who are also bipedal and have hands? Talk about racist. Or speciesist. Whatever.
This is the opportunity you've been waiting for and you're going to seize it. Or as you worded it, suck the life out of it.
"I see. Very wise of you, Your Highness. I'd be honored to help."
"Great. There's a train headed for the summit tomorrow, and..."
________________________
The sun has not yet risen when you and Finch board the train. Fortunately, Twilight isn't going onboard with you. Instead, her mode of transportation will be the flying carriage. Royal treatment and all that. It's kind of a shame, though. You always wondered if a train could be powered by burning a certain purple horse in the furnace.
Wow, tone back the edginess, kiddo.
The two of you finally find an empty compartment. You enter first and set down your luggage. Finch remains on the outside, hesitant.
"Is there a problem?" you ask.
"Uhh, should I find my own room, or...?"
You roll your eyes and sit down, patting the seat next to you. "Here."
"Are you sure?"
"Are you questioning me?"
"No, it's just, um..."
"Stop your nonsense and sit down. There are bigger scandals for the tabloids."
"Like what?"
"Sit here and I'll tell you."
"Well, if you say so..."
She sets down her bags and slowly takes her place next to you.
"Good," you say. "Now let me fill you in on a little secret about the Royal Cake Budget. You see, the Royal Sisters have a generous posterior for a reason..."
________________________
Man, this summit is pretty boring. Wait, rephrase that. It is really, really boring. You'd have more fun watching two diseased potatoes participate in a marathon than listen to all this.
"These catbird freaks have been stealing our crops at night for the past several months!" a minotaur shouts.
"We did no such thing!" a griffon shoots back. "I'm insulted that you'd even accuse us of such a crime!"
"Well I'm insulted that you're insulted that we insulted you!"
"Oh yeah? I'm insulted that..."
It's like watching a bunch of children bicker over candy. The only way this could get more childish is if--
"Nu uh!"
"Yeah huh!"
"Nu uh!"
Aaaand there we go.
Twilight, on the other hand, seems to be very interested in the pointless argument, furiously scribbling down notes with her magic.
Finch is sound asleep to your side, drool starting to drip onto her poor, defenseless papers. Thankfully, everyone else is too invested in the debate to notice. How can she sleep through something like this? It's complete verbal warfare in this room.
Occasionally, one of her ears twitches, providing you with more amusement than the ongoing 'debate.' You even started to keep count. 205, 206, 207...
Eventually, Twilight pounds her gavel, signaling everyone else to stop.
"Alright. This was a very productive meeting. It's getting late, so why don't we all get a good night's rest and start anew tomorrow morning?"
The gryphons and minotaurs grumble as they leave the room and go their separate ways, still throwing the occasional verbal jab at one another.
As they're leaving, you nudge Finch awake, causing her to yawn and stretch. After she comes to full consciousness, she realizes what she's done, her eyes now wide open as she frantically looks around.
"H-how long was I asleep?"
"Only enough to skip most of today's meeting. Relax, you didn't miss much. Your hyperventilating is sucking in all my air."
She soon collects herself, gathering her drool-stained papers.
At the far end of the table, Twilight organizes her own stack of heavily-written notes and makes her way towards you.
"So what do you think?" she asks.
You rub your chin and stare at the ceiling, as if in deep thought. "I have a possible answer, but I'll need more time to think about it. Perhaps you have a more coherent solution?"
"I'm almost completely confident that I have a way to fix this situation, but I'll need more time to analyze it as well."
That can't do. You need to know what her solution is going to be. It's the key you need to take the next step.
"Maybe you could run it by me and I can give you a critique of it," you say.
"I'm not sure, Anon. I don't want to give a premature answer..."
Think, Anon. Think. Play on her ego.
You shrug. "Very well then, Princess. I trust you. No need to waste your breath on saying it. Besides, I probably didn't need to hear it anyways. Goodnight."
You take your bow and start to leave when Twilight speaks up.
"W-wait! What exactly are you implying?"
With an apologetic smile, you turn around and face her. "I don't know what you're talking about, Your Highness."
"'Probably didn't need to hear it?' Are you saying that your solution is better than mine?"
Hook, line, and sinker.
"Of course not, I--"
"Well you're wrong, and I'll prove it to you! I think that we should split the disputed land. Additionally, the gryhons should receive all the bodies of water since fishing is one of their main products, and we give more of the mountains to the minotaurs."
She gives you a triumphant grin. "So, what do you think?"
"That is...far better than what I had in mind, I admit," you say as you try your best not to smile, nodding your head in agreement.
"What was your solution?"
"Well, I was thinking about giving the majority of the land to the minotaurs, but it doesn't matter. Yours is better. I think both sides are going to be very happy with this compromise."
"That really is a silly solution. The minotaurs aren't intelligent enough to even know what a majority is, while the gryphons are too greedy to not claim all the lakes and waterways as their own. Told you mine was better. I guess I'm just the best at these things."
With her head held high, Twilight leaves the room with her stack of papers floating right behind her.
"Let's get something to eat," you say to Finch, no longer hiding your smile. "We have something very important to discuss."
________________________
This restaurant you're at is pretty classy. And on top of that, the food being served is unbelievably good. Canterlot's finest cuisine has got nothing on this. It's crazy.
"You're crazy," Finch says, her cheeks full of food.
"Perhaps."
"You're not even allowed to do that."
"Well, technically not. Your soup's getting cold, by the way."
Finch stops speaking long enough to swallow and shovel several more spoonfuls of soup into her mouth. She can really eat. You might run out of money just by feeding her. Is there a black hole in her stomach?
Not a minute after, she stacks her empty bowl on top of the rest of the plates she wiped cleaned.
"You gonna finish that?" Finch says as she gestures towards your unfinished meal.
With a sigh, you push it over to her, and she soon inhales whatever is left of your dinner. That's fine. You weren't that hungry, anyways.
She leans back in her seat with a sigh, finally satisfied. A small burp escapes her lips and she covers her mouth, blushing a bit as she grins in embarrassment.
"Sorry."
"Don't be."
"Well, back on topic..."
Finch grabs a toothpick and starts cleaning her teeth. You should probably teach her some table manners after all this is over.
"If this doesn't work perfectly, you could be spending the rest of your life in a small, cold cell somewhere."
You shrug. "Probably."
"I might be imprisoned as well."
"Don't worry. If everything falls apart, I'll take full responsibility."
She looks away for a few moments, idly moving the toothpick around in her mouth. "You do realize that I'm supposed to report you for what you're scheming, right?"
"Are you?" you say as you lean forward in your chair.
"Well, no..."
"Why not? You've only been my assistant for a couple months."
"I can't exactly put my hoof on it, but there's something about you..."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. It's almost as if I have this feeling that you're gonna do something big. And I want to be a part of that."
"Gut feelings have been wrong before."
"They've also been right before," she responds with a smirk.
"Touche."
"But that brings up another question. Why do you trust me with this plan of yours? What makes you think that I wouldn't rat on you as soon as you told me?"
You laugh a little. "I guess you can say that it was a...gut feeling."
"You can't copy my answer."
"Yes I can. I'm writing your paycheck."
"And paying for the meal, too?"
"I'm afraid so," you sigh.
"Great, because I'm gonna get myself the most expensive dessert they have."
"Don't get too ahead of yourself. The last time my assistant did that she mysteriously disappeared."
"W-what?"
"Just kidding...sorta."
________________________
It's later that night. Close to midnight, to be exact. It is at this time that almost everyone is asleep, so it's much easier to go around without being noticed.
You prepare yourself as you stand at the entrance of the minotaur leader's quarters. Every step must work perfectly if you are to succeed. One wrong move and you might as well kiss your life goodbye.
A voice booms from inside the room. "Enter."
You gently push the door open, revealing a rather luxurious bedroom. Freshly carpeted floor, a bed made of goose feathers, curtains made of silk, a balcony outside with a rather fantastic view of the landscape...It must be nice being a primary guest of these summits.
A tall minotaur stands in the center of the room, his muscular arms crossed. He signals his guards out, leaving the two of you in his room.
Suddenly you are slightly more afraid of being snapped in half than rotting in a dungeon. The guy looks like he lifts a lot.
"You do realize that you're not supposed to be here." he says, his voice deep.
You take a step forward, stuffing your hands in your pockets. Play it cool, Anon.
"I know," you say calmly.
"Then what are you doing here?"
"I want what you want. An end to this dispute."
"And how do you suppose we do that?"
"Well, there are a couple proposed solutions to this dilemma."
The minotaur raises an eyebrow. "Yours or the Princess'?"
Looks like our friend here wasn't born yesterday.
"Well, I can't say for certain, but word has it that the Princess is going to propose a border that will give all of the major bodies of water to the gryphons."
"Let them take their silly lakes," he says with a scoff. "We minotaurs have no use for them."
"All of the major bodies?"
"I don't care about the major lakes and rivers. We already have enough of those to maintain our communities," he says as he rubs his chin in thought. "But I do admit that giving all of them to the bird-brains is an act of bad faith. Why did she not give us at least some?"
You look down and kick the floor. "I...I don't feel comfortable saying, sir."
"Come on, out with it!" he states firmly as he takes a step toward you. "Unless you want my guards to beat it out of you?"
You heavily sigh. As soon as you say this, there's no going back.
"Well, I don't think the Princess is comfortable just giving the griffons the majority of the water because..."
Pause to increase anticipation.
"...because she thinks that minotaurs...aren't intelligent enough to know what a majority is," you finish.
The room becomes deathly quiet for a few seconds. The silence is almost unnerving.
"SHE WHAT?" the minotaur bellows, a thick vein now visible on his muscular neck.
You try your best not to fall flat on your ass. Come to think of it, the silence wasn't so bad after all.
"Please lower your voice!" you say in a hushed tone as you raise your arms in caution.
The minotaur shuts his mouth, but his body is still trembling. Then, in his fit of rage, he proceeds to throw various items out the window, grabbing anything unfortunate enough to be within reach. It would probably be a good reason to run, but you're too scared stiff to do anything.
"HOW. DARE. SHE. THE. VERY. NERVE."
Silently, you hope that the rooms are soundproof, and that no one gets hit by the falling miscellaneous items.
After he runs out of things to throw, he stop his rampage, his shoulders heaving with his heavy breath.
"AND YOU!"
You try not to wet yourself as he storms up to you and looks down into your eyes, his large frame towering over yours. Hopefully you don't look as scared as you are right now.
"Why are you telling me this?" he demands as he points a finger directly to your face. "Don't you work for the Princess?"
"I don't know if you're aware," you reply, your voice thankfully not shaking too much, "but I don't exactly...fit in."
You gesture toward yourself as you take a step back, giving yourself room to breathe. "I know what it's like to be an outsider. To be treated differently by others. To have laws placed upon him by the Princesses because they think they can manage me better than I can. Like you, in a way."
He seems to be calming down a bit.
"Your people are perfectly capable of managing yourselves without outside intervention. Without the Princesses' intervention. I know that, and you do too. And I think that when someone else is going to call the shots, you at least deserve to know the truth."
The minotaur's expression softens as his temper calms down, beads of sweat trickling down his forehead.
"Their involvement has been...frustrating at times," he says, his shoulders sagging as he looks down. "They have micromanaged almost everything thinking that they know better than we do."
"I know."
He looks back at you. There's no longer any bloodlust in his eyes. "Is there a way where we can make peace with the gryphons?"
"Well, I think that given your history with the land, you deserve the majority of it."
"The gryphons would never agree to those terms."
"You'd be surprised."
He raises an eyebrow. "What exactly do you have in mind, er..."
"Anonymous."
"Right, Anonymous."
"That's not important. But what's important is that you now have two options to choose from. I hope for your people's sake that you make the right choice. Farewell, sir, and goodnight."
You take a bow and leave the room, leaving the minotaur to his thoughts.
________________________
You are swirling your cup of liquor in Finch's guest room when someone opens the door and enters. Playing with your drink seems to be an awfully bad habit of yours. All you need is a mustache to twirl and you're all set to be the next big cliche movie villain.
"So, how did it go?" you speak up.
"Well, the head gryphon didn't react positively when I implied that the Princess thinks of them as greedy."
"And?"
"They're willing to give the minotaurs the majority of the land if they get substantially reduced export taxes for their fishing industry."
"Good. Very good."
Finch takes the seat across from you.
"This is really happening, isn't it?" she says.
Taking out another glass, you pour some of the liquor for her. "It is. No turning back now."
You hand her the second glass, which she accepts.
"To a peaceful compromise...and a happy ending," you say as you raise your cup.
She solemnly clinks her glass with yours, and you both down your drinks. Finch coughs a bit, causing you to give a hearty chuckle.
"Not used to that sort of stuff?" you ask.
She examines her empty cup, grimacing a bit. "A bit too strong for my taste, but I think I can get used to it."
"It grows on you with time. Trust me."
Finally, you stand up and stretch, a few joints making audible pops as you do so. "Well, it's getting late. I'm gonna head back to my room and get some rest. You should do the same."
As you open the door, Finch calls out. "Er, Anon?"
"Yes?" you say as you turn around.
She pauses, then looks down.
"I, uhh..." she lets out, trying to find the words.
She shakes her head before looking back up at you with a weak smile. "Nevermind. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Finch."
You leave the room and head back to your own, the buzz finally reaching your head. You wonder if they serve alcohol in the dungeons. Probably not.
________________________
Today's summit is a lot less raucous than yesterday's. No blind accusations or name calling. A few 'good morning's' are even exchanged.
Everyone is here, except for Twilight. She's probably rehearsing her proposal for the hundredth time. Oh, how you can't wait to see that smile shatter into a million tiny pieces.
"You didn't do anything, did you?" a voice next to you asks.
"Of course not," you say to a concerned Finch. "I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."
She opens her mouth to reply when an announcer's voice echoes through the room.
"And now, her Royal Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle!"
Everyone rises as she enters the room, accompanied by her half dozen guards. You have to admit, she does make quite the entrance.
Rumor has it that at a certain point in time, she didn't like to be treated like royalty. Seems hard to believe. Then again, everyone was probably a completely different version of themselves at an earlier time. You sure were, but that's not important right now.
Twilight takes her place at the table, signaling everyone else to sit back down.
"Good morning, everyone!" she says with a wide grin. "I'm happy to say that I strong believe that I have the perfect solution to end this dispute."
A few murmurs are heard here and there amongst the other attendees. You exchange eye contact with the lead minotaur and gryphon.
"I propose that we draw a border to separate gryphon and minotaur land," Twilight continues. "Additionally, all major bodies of water goes to the gryphons to help with their fishing industry. Most of the mountains would go to the minotaurs. Although no one group gets all the lands, the assigned territories should be more than enough to accommodate each group's needs. So..."
She clops her hooves together, a look of pure glee on her face.
"So? What do you think?"
The head gryphon and minotaur exchange looks, almost as if they're in on a secret joke.
The minotaur you spoke to last night is the first to speak up. "Well I think that this is a fantastic idea!"
Your heart almost stops.
"That is, if I were a COMPLETE BUMBLING BUFFOON! I'D NEVER GIVE ANYTHING TO THE LIKES OF THOSE BIRD-BRAINED GRYPHONS!"
The head gryphon responds, standing up from his seat and slamming his claws on the table.
"WELL I'D RATHER EAT GRASS FOR A YEAR BEFORE GIVING UP ANY OF OUR LAND TO THE LIKES OF YOU MINO-BORES!"
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"
"YOU FIRST!"
"I'LL SMASH YOU IN YOUR BLOODY BIRD BEAK YOU HYBRID ABOMINATION!"
"NOT UNTIL AFTER I'VE SAWED OFF YOUR HORNS AND SHOVED THEM UP YOUR ASS!"
A colossal shoutfest then commences, even louder than yesterday's. It takes all the strength in your body to not break up into uncontrollable laughter as you look at Twilight's face. Her cheery demeanor is nowhere to be found, instead replaced by a look of utter horror, on the verge of tears.
"Please, everybody, calm down! I can fix this!" she pleads as she pulls out one of her books and frantically flips through the pages. "There has to be something that can be done about this! What am I supposed to do?"
Those books can't save you Twilight. Not this time.
She turns to you. "Anon, please help me!"
You shrug, your expression one of sadness. "I'm sorry, Your Highness. This is beyond me."
Within moments, Twilight bursts into tears and leaves the room, her guards trying to keep up behind her.
As soon as the sounds of her sobbing fades, the yelling stops.
"Was that too much?" the head gryphon says, a trace of concern in his voice.
You rise from your seat, straightening your attire. "No, it was just the right amount. Now, let's move on to business. My assistant here is now going to pass around a proposed set of terms that include accommodations for..."
________________________
The recent summit between the gryphons and minotaurs proved to be successful as both parties have reached a compromise. The minotaurs have received the majority of the land, but in exchange for giving up certain territories, the gryphons received a large reduction in export taxes, one that analysts predict will help get their economy get back on its feet. Anonymous, the Second Chair of the Court, was given praise for brining an end to this long struggle. When asked to comment, he said 'I can't take all the credit. Princess Twilight helped a lot as well. This compromise definitely wouldn't be possible without her.' We tried to reach the Princess for comment, but her secretary has turned down all requests for an interview.
You are back in your office in Canterlot, going over the local paper. It didn't take long for word of recent events to reach reporters, and consequently, the public. News of Twilight's failure to fulfill her duties as the new Head Chair has probably reached all of Equestria by this time. Poor thing. If only Twilight did as she promised would she have spared herself the terrible misfortune of not making a complete fool of herself in front of everyone. Oh well. What's done is done. However, the question remains: who will she blame for her failure?
A knock on your door interrupts your reading.
"Princess Twilight is here to see you," Finch's muffled voice says.
"Let her in," you respond. You were starting to wonder when she'd finally show up.
The door bursts open, startling you a bit.
A manic-looking Twilight rushes into the room. Her mane is frazzled, her coat and royal regalia dirty. Heavy bags sag under her eyes, one of which twitches constantly.
"You!...You traitor!" she screeches as she uses her magic to grab your suit and bring you face to face with her. "You ruined me! You sabotaged me! I thought I could trust you, Anonymous! I'll have you thrown in prison for a thousand years for what you did!"
A concerned Finch stands at the entrance, but you motion her away.
As the door shuts, Twilight lets you go, causing you to drop to the floor.
"I don't know what you're talking about," you say as you straighten yourself up.
"Don't play dumb with me! I did my calculations, and I am 95.885% certain that you did something under my nose that made me look like a fool in front of the entire kingdom! Have you read the tabloids? 'Princess Twilight breaks into tears at summit'!"
You slowly raise your hands and look her in the eye. "Please, Your Highness, calm down."
After several seconds, her breathing slows, and she collapses onto the floor, a few sobs escaping her lips.
"Was it because of the Head Chair?" she asks.
"Of course not, Your Highness. You should know me better than to think that I hold grudges."
"Then why did you do it? Do you hate me?"
You gently rest a hand on her shoulder.
"Your Highness, I have always been one of your most loyal servants. It's not because of money, or power, but because I sincerely care about you. When I cleaned up the summit, I tried to do it in your name. I even told everyone that the compromise was your backup plan."
A few tears roll down her cheeks.
"Are you telling me the truth?" she sniffs.
You wipe a tear away with your thumb. "Nothing but. I promise with my life."
"Well, it doesn't matter anymore," she says in between hics, the tears continuing to flow. "Princess Celestia has officially renounced my position as Head Chair and is giving it to you. She's announcing it tomorrow."
"Your Highness, I possibly couldn't--"
"It's what she wants, Anonymous. You're Head Chair whether you like it or not."
"I'll do my best to try to fill your shoes," you respond, trying your best to sound sympathetic. Oh, you like it, all right. But why worsen her mood? She's clearly having a bad enough day.
Twilight sniffs and gives a weak laugh. "I didn't do that much. I'm sure you'll be fine. Maybe you were right about the whole 'taking on too many responsibilities' thing..."
You give her a handkerchief, which she accepts. "You should get some rest, Your Highness. You cannot rule in this state."
"Okay," she mutters weakly before getting up and slowly leaving the room.
Not long after, Finch enters, radiating anticipation.
"So, how did it go?" she asks.
"Well," you grab a napkin and wipe your hands. "We're not wasting the rest of our lives in a cell. So I think it went pretty well. Our biggest concern is keeping ourselves from drowning in poor Twilight's tears. All of Canterlot's likely going to be absolutely flooded by the end of the week."
"And the position?"
You smile. "It's mine."
With a cry of joy, Finch jumps onto you and hugs you tightly, nuzzling into your chest. Upon realizing what she has done, she blushes and drops down.
"S-sorry, I got a little carried away."
"Oh, come here."
You pick her up and give her a hug of your own, which she gladly accepts. After the moment is passed, you let go and head to your special bottle of scotch and a couple glasses.
"Again?"
"Oh, come on. It's time to celebrate! You and I both deserve a drink."
"It's a wonder why you're not an alcoholic."
You pour the glasses and hand one to Finch.
"To...an adventurous and successful future together," you propose.
"Agreed. Head Chair Anonymous."
Head Chair Anonymous. You like the sound of that. But you know what sounds better?
King.