//------------------------------// // Careful Planning // Story: Integrals // by Mozzarella //------------------------------// "You're into bondage, right?" Integrals *** Ever have a friend that wouldn't shut up about going outside? "Let's go do something!" they'd say. "It's a beautiful day!" Those guys suck. Yeah, it's real freakin' beautiful out there. You know what isn't beautiful? Allergies. And nosebleeds. And phlegm. "But it's worth it!" they say, dragging me into the cloud of pollen that is the nearby forest. "Just look!" But I can't. My eyes are out of commission as are my nostrils. On a related note, did you know most of those pocket tissue packages only hold, like, five tissues? Bullshit. Anyway, us homebodies at least get to give those guys a nice "screw you" when something keeps them inside. So let's all take a moment to show ol' AJ our favorite hoof. "Friggin' weather ponies," the stallion mumbled, looking out at the torrential downpour that forced him out of the orchard. "Barely even got started out there." "What are you goin' on about?" asked his new host while tossing him a towel. "Jus' yellin' at the sky a little," he answered as he set about drying himself. Applejack smirked. "Ya know it can't hear ya, right?" she asked. "Oh harr harr. I'm allowed to be upset with the weather, ain't I? I could'a been out there buckin' apples right now." "They ain't goin' nowhere, sugar cube. This town's crazy, but the farms don't up an' run away." AJ tried to give her an unamused look, but found his mild ire caught in his throat at the sight of her messy hair. Her mane, normally tied into two aptly-named ponytails, flowed down the sides of her head, tantalizingly obscuring those little freckles of hers. As a result, the stallion rethought his snappy retort. "It ain't about that. Okay, it's kind of about that. But it's more about your family. How am I supposed to waltz on into your home without offerin' anything in return?" "I reckon you say 'howdy' and leave the rest to me. How's that?" AJ rolled his eyes. "Well that solves all my problems. How're you gonna 'splain it?" "AJ, I live here. I'm an adult. I can take in whoever I want. 'sides, do ya really think we're strugglin' so much that we can't handle one more mouth to feed?" "'course not! From what I'm seein' this here orchard's runnin' like a machine." "So it's somethin' else, then. What?" The stallion grimaced under his towel. "Alright. I'm nervous to meet your family, okay?" "That makes a bit more sense, but it's still one of the silliest things I've heard all day. My family ain't gonna kill ya. They're reasonable ponies." "I'm sure they are. It's jus'...So we're kind of similar, right?" "I reckon that's what 'clone' means, sugarcube," Applejack quipped. "Well, if my sister came home with some random stallion, I'd be givin' him the third degree to make sure he ain't some good-for-nothin' lowlife." The mare shrugged. "I can't say they ain't that type of family, but they've got no reason to believe you're no good." "I know that and you know that, but they don't. To them, I'm some con tryin' to get with their- er- intrude." "Look AJ, they're gonna be wary 'cause they care. If you make a good impression, they'll treat ya like their own. Best thing for it is to just march on in and do it." The stallion looked up from his towel with new found confidence. "You're right! Jus' get in there and do it!" At that, AJ replaced his hat on his now only damp mane, puffed out his chest, and stormed through the front door. Silence followed. "Oh yeah," Applejack said, almost laughing. "Nopony's home right now. Did I not mention that?" She followed him inside to see him collapsed on a nearby chair, an exhausted look on his face. "Yer awful, ya know that?" he asked, his gathered courage rapidly leaving him. She went to sit down next to him, snickering all the while. "Actually, I lied. Sorry. Granny's probably upstairs taking her afternoon nap and my siblings'll be out for a while." "Great. I have some time 'fore I get to make an ass of myself." "Alright look," Applejack said, patting his shoulder. "I'm gonna get us something to eat. How about you shut your eyes then I'll come back and try to jog your memory a bit 'bout the family. That oughta get your spirits up." The stallion scowled and reluctantly covered his face with his hat. "First thing I'm doin' here is napping on your couch," he mumbled. "Gonna walk in here and find some jackass passed out on their-" AJ's complaining was cut short by Applejack's hoof giving him a light but firm thump on his head. "Hush up and go to sleep, ya hear? We're gonna start with Granny." ... "Ow!" The purple aura around the knob flickered dully before going out altogether. "Please stop pushing yourself." The door opened this time in a slightly darker glow, allowing two unicorns with fast food takeout to escape the rain. "It's instinct! I see a door and I go to open it." Dusk shrugged lightly. "I know. I know. It's just, that looks like it hurts. I don't want to see you in pain, you know?" The library's manager grimaced and hid her face. Stop acting nice to me like that, she thought. It's making this really difficult. It wasn't only concern for her well being that was getting to her. It was that whole trip. He materialized their umbrella and held it over them. He kept opening all the doors. Hell, he even had to reach into her pockets to pay for the food. That was uncomfortable. Okay, not uncomfortable. Something similar, though. "Meanwhile," Dusk said, glancing about the library. "Where do you want me to set this stuff down?" "Let's go to the lab. All of my research so far is down there" His eyes widened with excitement. "Oh! We're getting right to it, huh?" "If you don't mind, I'd like to." I have nothing else for us to do anyway, she thought, trudging toward her cellar door. I really hope this occupies us long enough for me to get my head together. Twilight nearly tried to open the door before remembering the sharp pain that would likely follow. Instead, she cast a sheepish look to her clone behind her. "I got it," he said, opening yet another door. "Lead the way." The unicorns made their way down the gently curving staircase to Twilight's cellar-turned-lab. The walls held remnants of a previous time when it was just another, albeit less popular, floor of the library. The shelves were lined with dusty tomes and scientific equipment, the latter of which seeing much more use as of late. Now one might wonder why such a book-loving pony would neglect such a great collection of literature and information. Well, let's just say that some less-than-academic books find their way into the library and one librarian may be forbidden by law to burn them. Regardless of law, no self-respecting bookworm would let a work in favor of the heliocentric theory see the light of day. Dominating the center of the room, where there was no asinine dribble, were Twilight's many contraptions. Ominous green fluid flowed through ominous swirling tubes into an ominous chair with leg restraints and a large "helmet" looming overhead. The officials called in by an anonymous tip reluctantly concluded that the machines were "not entirely malicious" before being kicked out. "Bring back any memories, Dusk?" "Nothing in particular," he answered while clearing off a table for their fast food. "Are we even sure that's going to happen?" "I'm not sure of anything anymore. But you can check my notes." "Right. Notes." Dusk scanned the room for notes, finding none. "Um." "You're holding them," Twilight said, allowing a slight smile. "Huh?" Dusk turned to the mass of papers in his magical grasp, the majority of which were neatly titled 'Duplication' in bold text. "Oh. Those." The stallion proceeded to place all four hooves in his mouth while burying his face in the knowledge. Come on, Dusk. Pay attention. You don't want to look like a dork in front of her. I mean, not that you need to impress her for something since you're not- "Could you, uh, put the food down while you read?" Twilight asked. "I missed breakfast today." Dammit, Dusk! You're such a dork! He set the food down on the newly cleaned portion of the table. "Sorry. I can't seem to get it together today." "You and me both," she responded while she carefully reached into the bag of fast food. "So, uh, it's been a while since I've eaten normal food with my hooves, let alone fast food. Sorry if I seem like a slob." "Hey, it's your house. Do whatever you want. I'll probably be just as messy with mine even with my magic." A quiet spurting sound drew him out of his magic lesson. Next to him, he saw Twilight with her two front hooves clamped together, ketchup flowing out of a small packet onto them. "You were saying?" she said, trying to laugh it off. Dusk joined her giggling and fished a low quality napkin out of the bag for her. "And in addition to that," she said while wiping her hooves. "They seem to have only given us two packets. You can have the other one." "Actually, I think I have a better idea." The stallion put away the notes and held up their other ketchup packet. His eyes narrowed in concentration as it appeared to tremble in his magical grasp. Then, in a flash of purple light, an additional packet fell to the floor under the first. "Wow! That's pretty cool!" he exclaimed, bringing the samples of cloned ketchup together. Twilight raised an eyebrow. "The spell? Or the fact that you just learned it in a matter of minutes?" "The spell of course," he said, rolling his eyes. "I mean, I can see how complex it might be but the way you described it here is just the picture of elegance and efficiency. Relative efficiency, that is. That little thing took more energy than it should have." The mare tried her best to ignore the compliment and to continue the conversation. For the sake of them both. "And that seems to be the problem we're going to run into in terms of application. Duplication is far to taxing to perform on a grand scale, which precludes any and all industrial applications. If you think this one's bad, you should have seen the one Rarity made." Dusk tore himself away from the mesmerizing twin ketchup packets in confusion. "What the heck was Rarity doing inventing spells?" "Trying to clone her precious gems, I believe." "Instead of just, you know, finding more?" Twilight flipped back her mane, blinked daintily, and put on her best posh accent. "Oh there simply wasn't enough time, darling! I had an order!" Dusk held back a snicker. "And you know what she got?" she went on. "A clone of Rainbow Dash. Whom she then sent to me because I didn't have enough to deal with." "It's not all bad," Dusk suggested. "I mean we're studying new magic now as a result, right?" "You're right. It's just not how I planned to spend my week, you know?" He nodded and pulled out his sandwich. "Speaking of plans, where exactly do you want to begin with this whole thing." "Aw jeez. I was hoping you'd have an idea. To be honest, I didn't get too far into it before finding the -uh- the Attraction. That kind of threw me off course. Then other stuff got in the way and now I have no plan and no organization." Dusk directed all of his attention at the fried food before him at her mention of the Attraction. He didn't want to waste all the progress he'd made ignoring that cute little smile she makes when she- Dammit! "Tell you what, Dusk," Twilight started. "I'm going to shove my face into this junk food and when we're done, we can just compare basic properties of an object with those of its duplicate. By the time we've exhausted that list, we should have found something interesting to pursue. Does that sound like a plan?" The stallion shrugged as he gulped down a bite of saturated fat and sugar. "Any port in a storm, I guess." ... On the pinkest bed in the pinkest room in the sweetest house in Ponyville, the pinkest pony popped her head out of her overfilled duffle bag. "Ok Berry! Read me the list!" The other pinkest pony pulled a pen and paper from his poofy hair. "You got it, Pinky!" The stallion squinted his eyes and stuck out his tongue in concentration. Maybe reading for the first time ever is difficult or something. "Costumes?" "Check!" "Slingshot?" "Check!" "Cannon?" "Check!" "Key to the underground tunnels?" "Check!" "Marshmallows?" "Che- oh wait. Didn't we finish those?" Pinkie looked up to see her clone popping their last of thier marshmallows into his mouth. "Hm?" "Oh no! Now what will we eat on the mission?!" Berry swallowed and checked the list again. "The backup marshmallows?" Pinkie stuck her head in the bag again then returned with her huge smile. "Check-eroonie!" "Then that's everything! We're all set." "Awesome! Let's move out! Operation: Ice Breaker is a go!" Pinkie threw her bag over her back and scurried away as fast as her little legs could carry her. She soon found that she had not made it through the doorway as her hooves did not touch the ground. "We can't go now, Pinkie!" Berry said with his back on the ground and his double balanced on his hooves. "Why not?" "We have to sneak around under the cover of darkness! There's a whole costume set designed for that situation. We can't waste it!" Pinkie stopped her peddling and hopped back onto her bed, hooves sticking up limply. "But I don't wanna wait! I wanna help them now!" "We have to! For the sake of the joke!" The mare sighed in defeat. Surely, jokes trumped all silly mortal desires. She'd just have to wait until dark. "Hey Berry?" "Yeah?" "Can you uncheck the backup marshmallows?" "Are you eating the backup marshmallows, Pinkie?" "...Maybe..." she answered with her full mouth. "Can I have one?" Instincts warned him of the blob of sugar that would fall over the edge of the bed, so he opened his mouth to catch it. "Fank you." ...