The orphanage was quiet, or at least as quiet as an orphanage could be. Outside, it was raining. The desert, always harsh and unforgiving, had suffered a change of moods. Now, instead of being searingly hot and dry, it was miserably cold and wet. Inside, it was chilly, much colder than usual, cold enough that Holly had turned on the radiators, which filled the air with an ambient background noise of dings, tings, and the creaking of metal.
Some of the foals were napping, piled together on a thick quilt placed in the middle of the common room, and a blanket had been thrown over them. Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus were among this pile, and both infants slept comfortably, kept warm by the body heat of the others. Shortbread was curled up with Shady Patch, the zebra foal that was Quirky’s ward.
Alone, in a corner, curled up with a large book titled The Enigma of Oleander, Graves was reading quietly to himself, his long ears framing his face as he peered down into his book.
Sitting in a warm spot near the radiator, Quirky was sitting with Cactus Blossom, brushing the foal’s unruly mane, and occasionally whispering something quietly into Cactus Blossom’s ear, which made the filly’s ear twitch and jump from the feeling of Quirky’s tickling breath.
Sitting at a long low table, Noctilucent sat doing his coursework for school…
Pulling his head back, Noctilucent looked up at the ceiling, glad to be looking at anything other than his textbook. Above him, as he stared, he could still see the floating ghostly letters of what he had been reading, a detailed comprehension exercise detailing the differences between positive and negative reinforcement.
It was almost more than he could bear.
To cope with his frustration, Noctilucent allowed himself a teeny tiny whinny. Looking around, in what he hoped was not a guilty manner, he checked to see if he had disturbed anypony or caused a foal to awaken… no? Good. Satisfied, he allowed himself to feel good about what he felt was his well deserved moment of venting.
Giving his head a shake, Noctilucent tried to get his mane out of his eyes, failed, then blew through pursed lips. He enjoyed the mane-free view for a moment, feeling very much like a clever pony, and then much to his dismay, his mane slid back down into his vision once more.
Hearing a faint giggle, he saw Quirky was looking at him, and it took him a moment to realise that the two things were related. He blew his mane out of his face once more, this time followed through by an indignant snort.
Now, Quirky was laughing, covering her mouth with her folded fetlock, and trying to remain quiet so she would not wake others. Feeling a faint prickling heat in his ears, Noctilucent looked away, thought about getting a trim, and then saw his vision once again become obscured by the long hair of his mane. Frustrated, Noctilucent nickered.
Truthfully, Noctilucent didn’t want to get his mane trimmed. He wanted it to grow long with the intention of getting it styled into something a bit more… feminine.
It hadn’t been easy, but he was making progress towards making peace with himself. He was entirely too aware of what existed between his hind legs, it was difficult but he was slowly learning that being gendered as a male didn’t make him inferior as he had once believed. Males weren’t inherently bad, or untrustworthy, there wasn’t anything wrong with being male, and Noctilucent was slowly convincing himself of this in therapy.
His penis and his testicles didn’t make him a bad pony. Males that did bad things didn’t do them because of their genitalia, or so Noctilucent was slowly coming to accept, they did them because of what was between their ears, not their legs.
It was a difficult concept for Noctilucent to tackle and there were many painful moments where he relapsed into old thinking.
It made it easier that Quirky and Holly both were completely open to the idea of his femininity being cultivated. Noctilucent found that he was incredibly grateful to the both of them. Quirky liked to spritz him with perfume, something that Noctilucent found that he enjoyed, and Holly had given him a little feel good gift of floral scented shampoos.
It was okay to feel a little girly.
Noctilucent wished that he would stop having those moments when he felt guilty and ashamed about it. Noctilucent was starting to see the pony he wanted to be, he wanted the guilt and the shame to go away… he needed them to go away… so he could feel a whole lot girly.
Completely lost in his own thoughts and contemplations now, Noctilucent had lost all awareness of the room around him, he was now off in his own little world of quiet reflection.
His sessions with Doctor Lethe were getting tougher and a great deal more difficult, even as they were also getting easier. The other day, he had posed a question that Doctor Lethe had not been able to answer, but had promised to discuss at another time in a future session. Could a stallion also be a lesbian? It seemed like such a ridiculous question, and Noctilucent had almost not asked it. It had only slipped out after much badgering and cajoling from Doctor Lethe and Quirky. It seemed like such a stupid question. More of a joke than anything, and Noctilucent cringed inwardly just thinking about the words slipping out of his mouth, unable to bear the shame of even asking.
Doctor Lethe had taken his question seriously though, which surprised Noctilucent.
Even more surprising, had been Quirky’s reaction, which was one of total support.
Which lead Noctilucent to one conclusion. Things were getting better. He didn’t have to keep going with how things were… that way had been the cause of his own attempted self-murder. Now, it was up to him to find another way, a different way, something that made him happy.
Continuing his contemplations, Noctilucent was completely unaware that he was happily humming to himself softly, the worried wrinkles usually on his face were now gone, his head was bobbing slightly, and his right ear was twitching in time to the tune that was subconsciously flowing out of him.
His mood greatly improved, Noctilucent returned to his schoolwork.
The afternoon brought slumber. All around him, ponies were napping, and Noctilucent let out a low whine as he yawned. Looking over at Quirky, he saw that the mare was sound asleep and using Cactus Blossom as a pillow for her head. Cactus Blossom was also asleep, her mouth open, her eyes closed, and one ear spasmed as Quirky inhaled and exhaled.
The room was warm, the sort of warmth that on a cold day, made you want to climb into a warm bed and go to sleep, to hibernate, to blissfully nap the day away. The radiators offered a humid heat, making the air moist, which made it much easier to breathe, a welcome respite from the scorching dry air that was the usual in this desert clime.
Alone with his books, Noctilucent continued to study, distracted as he was.
Holly was now in the foal pile in the middle of the room, buried under the blanket, surrounded by foals on all sides. Graves had given up the battle and had succumbed to drowsiness. He was alone in his corner, his head resting on his book, his eyes closed, and his little barrel rose and fell with the slow regularity that comes with sleep.
The sound of rain upon the roof was soothing, the soft sounds made by the radiators was almost a lullaby unto itself, and Noctilucent found that he was now struggling to remain awake.
The effects of positive reinforcement upon developing foals was nearly lost to Noctilucent as the stallion’s eyes closed for a moment, and realising that he was drifting off, Noctilucent came to wakefulness with a snort.
Feeling the need to swear, but not wanting to say anything unpleasant, Noctilucent allowed himself a faint angry utterance: “Peanut butter…”
Somehow, in Noctilucent’s ears, that didn’t quite sound like much of a sweary. Feeling guilty for having said something so stupid, Noctilucent cringed inwardly and wished he had said something else.
Holly could swear… the older mare had a colourful vocabulary, and Noctilucent had been exposed to it on a couple of occasions. Her soft demeanour and gentle words could vanish in an instant and she was capable of turning the air around her a bilious shade of blue. Holly tried not to swear around the foals, but there had been a few instances where all sense of decorum had been thrown out.
Like a few nights ago when she sneezed, which caused her telekinesis to hiccup and falter, which in turn caused her to drop a massive stock pot of water she was moving to the stove, flooding the kitchen. Noctilucent had learned a few new expletives that night. Cactus Blossom had immediately committed every word to memory, and Candy Corn had actually burst into tears from the curt, caustic, cranky, creative, casual, cursing that had slipped free of Holly’s lips.
So lost was he in his reverie that Noctilucent didn’t notice that Biscuit had slipped from the pile of sleepers and had joined him at his side…
Startled, Noctilucent felt a poke in his side. He looked down, saw Biscuit, and offered the little pale grey colt a smile. Reaching out with a foreleg, he pulled the colt closer and gave him a squeeze. “Hi Biscuit.”
“I’m scared.”
Letting out a squeaky snort, Noctilucent whipped his head downward to look at Biscuit, who had just whispered something. Words. Biscuit had spoke. Biscuit had said words. Yanking his head up, Noctilucent glanced around the room and saw that nopony else was awake.
“Biscuit, you can talk?” Noctilucent asked.
The little pale grey colt nodded once and then went still.
“You’re scared?” Noctilucent kept his voice at a hushed whisper, not wanting to wake the others. Perhaps Biscuit was talking because there was nopony else to hear him, Noctilucent didn’t know, but all kinds of thoughts and theories whirled through his mind.
The colt nodded again, but said nothing.
Realising that he was going to have to do this the hard way, Noctilucent tried to figure out why the colt was scared. “You were sleeping… I can still see the sleepy eye boogers in your eyes… did you have a bad dream?”
Once again, the colt nodded. “Yes,” Noctilucent heard him say.
More words!
Pulling Biscuit closer, tighter, and lowering his head down to speak into Biscuits ear, Noctilucent asked in a coaxing whisper, “What did you dream about?”
He could feel the colt shudder, twisting about, and then Noctilucent felt Biscuit’s face pressing into his side. He felt wetness realised the colt was crying.
“Biscuit.” The voice was raspy, creaky almost, a voice of one out of practice with speaking.
The colt’s name. An enigma. A mystery. Noctilucent felt his brow furrowing against his will as he felt a faint feeling of frustration creeping in upon him. He wanted to understand. “What, were you dreaming about you, Biscuit?”
“Mama gave me a biscuit.” The colt’s words were muffled and Noctilucent could feel hot breath against his pelt as the words were mumbled.
“Your mama gave you a biscuit?” Noctilucent asked.
He waited, drew a deep breath, and the moment stretched on. “Yes,” the colt finally said. Noctilucent could feel Biscuit’s small body convulsing with barely contained sobs.
“Biscuit, nopony else can hear you, and I shared my secret with you… can you tell me what happened?” Noctilucent asked.
Noctilucent heard the colt snuffle, heard a low wordless whine, and then he heard the colt’s raspy creaky voice. “There was no more food. Mama lost her job. She made two big biscuits. I was hungry.”
“Just let it out Biscuit, tell me what happened,” Noctilucent said after the colt had fallen silent. He wrapped his wing around Biscuit completely swallowed the colt away from the outside world.
“Mama ate her biscuit… I was gonna eat mine, but I saved it for mama. She went to sleep at the table and didn’t wake back up… I saved my biscuit for her so she’d have something to eat when she woke up.”
Feeling an invisible noose tightening around his neck, Noctilucent squeezed his eyes shut. He felt his stomach churn, there was a powerful moment of nausea. The colt’s voice was like paper or leaves blowing in the wind, but the impact it caused was like being hit by a train.
“I saved the biscuit for her.”
Struggling to get the words past his constricted throat, Noctilucent said, “You’re a good colt, thinking of your mama… you did good.”
“Biscuit.”
Waiting, waiting with baited breath, Noctilucent remained silent, hoping that Biscuit would say something else. Anything else. Just something. Unable to hold back any longer, Noctilucent wept.
Biscuit returned to his usual silence...