Princess Celestia Declares Your Bed To Be The Last Hope Of The Universe
General Liberator
There is quite a social stigma regarding Mondays.
Namely, an unbridled hatred from the general populace toward Mondays.
Though there are several reasons behind the discrimination toward that particular day of the week, there is one reason more than any other.
Picture yourself napping in school, in that one class that everyone hates or just plain doesn’t care for, catching up on some Z’s without a care in the world or a single regard for the money that your parents are blowing on your lazy, ungrateful ass.
In a metaphorical sense, we shall call this sleepy time “the weekend.”
And if the sleepy time is the weekend, then Monday is the mean old hag of a nun who comes and smacks you over the head with a steel ruler.
So basically, everyone hated Monday because it signaled the end of the sacred weekend, a time for rest, relaxation, and getting plastered to the point where your inebriated brain tells you that making out with your equally drunken sister-in-law is a good idea.
Other than getting punched in the face by your loving older brother, good times.
Right up until the squad of cops led by Officer Monday busts down the door and start tackling the ones who weren’t fast enough. And then you get tazered in the neck for “resisting” arrest, in the form of flipping them off and calling them a bunch of dirty pigs.
So putting aside the completely unnecessary and frankly horrible attempts at what are supposed to be helpful metaphors, the main bullet point is that everyone hates Mondays.
As you turn the key and enter into your home, you sincerely doubt that there is a single soul in the world that hates Mondays more than you do.
Garfield can suck it. You think to yourself.
Although you hate it for the same reason that everyone else does (doubly so because of the terrible job with the equally terrible pay that you must return to), it is also because, for the past few months, you have been subject to something every single Monday that most people would deem scientifically impossible. Something that you had only ever dreamed of, but now truly wished that it was just a dream.
Something that, for some reason you have yet to discover, seems to be drawn to your bed.
Ponies.
Sure, it was really cool at first. I mean it is every fan’s dream to see living, breathing talking ponies in the flesh. To have a conversation with them and maybe even a bit of cuddling if you’re lucky. You couldn’t deny that, at one point, you were thrilled with the prospect of living ponies just appearing in your home.
Of course, that was back when you still had your original bed.
And a full collection of porn.
And your original fridge.
And half the goddamn kitchen for that matter.
When the online forums gave all their two cents about what it would be like to meet a pony for real, they probably never stopped to consider just how much it would cost.
For you, it cost approximately eight grand.
In other words, for a college dropout working a crappy job, too fucking much.
You close the door behind you before kicking off your shoes in your usual unorderly fashion. A few steps into the foyer and you stop, closing your eyes and focusing your hearing on the rest of the house.
Silence.
Good sign. You think as you make your way toward the hallway. But I won’t start celebrating just yet.
You stop in front the door to your room, once again taking a moment to listen for any unwanted noises. When your ears are once again met with silence, you hesitantly reach a hand up and grasp the door handle. Taking a deep breath, you turn the knob to open the door, stepping into your room to find…
…nothing.
Your eyes first fall upon your bed (Bed number 3 or 4 to be exact. You’ve lost count) to see that it is, to your surprise and utter delight, completely empty. There are no scorch marks, stray pony hairs, strewn bits of tacos or anything else to indicate any presence besides your own.
It’s in the same exact messy, unmade fashion you had left if in this morning.
Before giving a sigh of relief, you stop yourself. Not a second thought was given before you briskly walk over and get down on your knees. Another deep breath is inhaled before you bend over and look under the bed to see…
…nothing.
…well, save for the box containing your (INCOMPLETE!) Playboy collection.
A smile actually manages to find its way to your face, and just as quickly leaves as you rise to your feet and stare at the bed. To any other person on the Earth (save for that crazed hobo on the corner who was convinced that bed/futons would herald the apocalypse), it seemed like a completely ordinary bed.
But you (and the batshit insane hobo) knew better.
You give no hesitation before raising a fist and punching the center of the bed with all of your strength. A large burst of dust particles fly up, but other than that nothing happens.
You give a nod, satisfied that your bed is neither sentient nor a shape shifting Queen in disguise.
The thoughts of relief are soon gone once more as you turn towards the other side of the room. There stands the door to your closet, left a crack open as it had been this morning.
Taking one final over dramatic breath, you stride across the room, pull open to door to gaze upon…
…the usual pile of miscellaneous shit that inhabits your closet.
After quickly leafing through the pile and looking the closet top to bottom, you are relieved that there are no ponies, celebrities, or Daedric Princes hiding within.
The next few minutes go by as you give a once-over of the remaining rooms of your humble abode. After a thorough search of the kitchen, the (still rather rank) bathroom, and the other various places, you find out something that you can’t help but give a gigantic sigh of relief toward.
Your home is completely pony-free.
For the first time in several months, it seems that you will have a quiet, uneventful Monday evening.
Without paying it a second thought, you strode into the living room and practically collapse onto the couch. Even something as simple as that made you feel like you were truly a winner.
Although you are a bit tired, you decide that some mind-numbing TV would do wonders to you. Namely in the form of purging any thoughts of ponies from your mind.
With a click, the set comes on, revealing that you are in the news section. You don’t pay it much thought as you start leafing through the channels.
“-it’s hard to believe what we are seeing here! The sheer scale of the destruction-“
*click*
“-half of Paris is almost completely engulfed by flames, and more continue to-“
*click*
“-as beasts of unknown origin swarmed across the English countryside, killing everyone who they came into contact-“
*click*
“-the death toll out of Asia is staggering, estimated to be in the hundreds of millions and continuing to-“
*click*
“-the President just a few minutes ago declared a national state of emergency. Martial law is officially in effect and-“
*click*
“-IS NOT A TEST. PROCEED TO THE NEAREST CIVILIAN EVACUATION CENTER FOR-“
*click*
“-it is, as one bystander put it, the End of Days.”
*click*
“Welcome back to…Wheel…of…FORTUNE!”
A smile crosses your lips as you set the remote down and begin watching. Although it was an older show, there was just something about seeing a bunch of low class people winning nice things that warmed your heart.
And hope that, someday, maybe it could be you.
The theme song began as the host, the man with the million dollar smile, steps out onto the stage, waving to the cheering audience. The song dies down as does the loud crowd, allowing him to begin.
“Hello, and welcome to Wheel of Fortune!” He says cheerfully with that award winning smile. “Tonight we have a very special show for you, our guest being all the way from-“
“HOLY SHIT!” Someone in the background screams.
The host turns around just as a huge, downright demonic looking black creature enters the camera’s field of view. Many women in the audience scream as the creature opens its mouth, revealing a massive maw of razor sharp teeth. The host doesn’t even have time to react as the creature lunges downward, closing its maw over his head before-
*BEEEEEEEEP*
A long tone sounds as the feed is suddenly lost, revealing the weird rainbow across the TV screen.
You blink a few times before frowning.
God, the things that networks will do for viewers…
You grumble and shake your head before shutting the set off and putting the remote down, no longer in the mood for TV. Perhaps now would be the appropriate time to call it a night. A nice long, peaceful sleep in your bed, undisturbed by ponies or other weird happenings.
With a stretch and a yawn you lazily make your way toward your room, only to stop partly down the hall.
By voices.
From your room.
For what had to be the twentieth Monday in a row, you let out an angry sigh.
Getting really tired of this shit.
You reach your door, intending to finally go all out on whichever four legged menace decided to pay you an impromptu visit this time. You decide right then and there this will be one of the greatest angry rants in history, one that would bring a tear of pride to the eye of Trevor Phillips.
You turn the knob, omitting the dramatic breath, and push the door open.
Now, there are two things that gave you pause.
One was that there is not one pony in your room, but several. Every single bearer of the Elements of Harmony to be exact. Pinkie appears to be on the ground rocking back in forth in a fetal position, twitching every now and then. Rarity and Fluttershy are doing their best to comfort her.
And two…
…the others are all talking to Princess Celestia.
Celestia herself is pretty much how would have pictured her. She is taller than you by at least a head, making you feel a little small. Her ethereal mane and shining white coat certainly do justice to her name, giving her quite the divine appearance.
At the moment, you could give two shits less.
All you know at that moment was that you are quite possibly gonna be the first human in history to cuss out a pony princess, so you have to make it good.
Just before you began your rant, however, you catch the last snippets of their conversation.
“-but why here?” Twilight asks with an uncertain expression. “Why would the answer appear here of all places?”
“The universe works in strange ways, my little ponies.” Celestia says in a regal tone. “Sometime we cannot question it. We can only adapt.”
“But why this guy?” Rainbow frowns. “Experience has shown me that he’s nopony special. If anything he’s a little-“
“Ahem.” You clear your throat loudly.
Several of them jump slightly before turning to you, Rainbow adapting a rather sheepish smile. Celestia, upon seeing you, gives a sigh of relief.
“Oh, thank goodness you’re here.” She says. “We were beginning to worry that you had been lost in the pandemonium outside.”
“Twitcha, twitcha, TWITCHA!” The straight-maned Pinkie says deliriously as she let off a few violent twitches, Fluttershy whispering to her and stroking her back soothingly.
Now at that point any normal person may ask what she meant by that. They may ask why they were all there in the first place with worried looks on their faces. They may even ask why dear little Pinkie Pie at the moment looked like an escaped asylum patient.
Several months of your home being invaded by uninvited colorful bastards made you anything but “normal.”
“Lovely.” You say with an eye roll. “Now get out. All of you.”
Several of them blink a few times in confusion, not really understanding why the sudden hostility had been directed at them. The first one who responded was probably the last one you expected.
“Hey!” Rainbow flies up in front of you and narrows her eyes. “Why do you have to be such a jerk?”
You say nothing, instead opting for a look that practically screamed “Are you fucking kidding me?” Doubly so because it is Rainbow of all ponies that’s questioning why you’re so irritated.
Celestia clears her throat before speaking. “I understand that you may be confused why we are here, so allow me to explain. A few weeks ago we discovered an ancient ruin in our world where we found a-“
“Don’t care.” You interject, pointing to the door behind you. “Tired now. Want sleep. Get out.”
“Please listen.” Celestia says in an almost pleading fashion. “A new enemy has appeared, one that threatens all that we hold dear to our hearts.”
“Wow, did you come up with that plot by yourself?” You say in mock awe. “Go talk to Michael Bay if ya wanna write a crappy screenplay.”
Twilight frowns. “Can’t you be reasonable and take this seriously for just a few minutes?”
“Any ounce of reason and seriousness in me left a few months ago. Speaking of which…” You fix her with a knowing look. “…I trust your studies on human ‘anatomy’ are going well?”
Twilight’s frown disappears, replaced by a light blush. “I-I…er…w-well…”
“I want my mags back.” You say casually before stepping aside and motioning to the door. “As for the rest of you, kindly get the hell out of my life and never come back.”
This time it’s Applejack who steps forward. “Listen sugarcube, Ah don’t know what’s got ya in such a sourpuss, but we ain’t leavin’ till ya hear us out.”
You maintain eye contact for a few moments before smiling and chuckling in a rather disturbing fashion. “Alright. Screw this.”
You reach into your pocket and pull out your cell phone.
“Looks like it’s time for Plan B.”
You bring the dial up and type in “911” on the display. For far too long now had the issue with ponies been solely your issue. Now it was time to make it someone’s else’s issue as well.
Maybe there would be an interdimensional incident, leading to a long war between humanity and ponykind. Maybe you would be locked up for the rest of your life due to your frequent “exposure” to the ponies, doomed to spend the rest of your days in a padded cell within a government facility with a straightjacket and a thorzine drip.
At that point, so long as you got some goddamn peace and quiet for at least one more night, you didn’t care.
Smile still present on your face while the ponies all look at each other with cocked eyebrows, you bring the ringing phone up to your ear.
Ringing…
…ringing…
…ringing…
*click*
*BOOOP BOP BEEEP*
“We’re sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed.”
Your smile disappears and you blink a few times.
“You may hang up, or press 1 for more-“
*BOP*
You pull the phone away from your head and look at the screen, only to see that your signal had been completely lost.
It’s at that point that the cogs in your head begin to turn. It’s partly because, despite your network not being the most reliable source, you always got service in your house. The main point, however, was the fact that dialing 911 should not have gotten you an incomplete call.
You look between the ponies and the phone a few times before voicing your confusion in the typical fashion that you would.
“Da fuck is goin’ on?”
Celestia opens her mouth to say something, but gets promptly cut off.
*Rumble*
Your eyes go wide as the ground beneath your feet shakes, a slight tremor rocking the entire block. The nervous looks on all the ponies’ faces intensify, with Pinkie’s eyes going wide.
“TWITCHA TWITCHA!” She shouts before Fluttershy and Rarity practically pin her down to the ground to stop her spastic movements.
Celestia lets out a heavy sigh before locking eyes with you.
“We don’t have much time, so let me give the short version. We need you to-“
*CRASH*
Once again, Celestia is cut off. This time by a shape crashing in through the window to your room and making all the occupants (yourself included) jump at least three feet in the air. You look up to see, to your surprise, a familiar pony donned in battered, blue battle armor.
“Tia, have you made progress?” Luna asks as she telekinetically removes her helmet, revealing quite a few scratches and bruises on her face. “The battle across the Void goes ill, and our time grows short.”
“In a moment, Luna.” Celestia says, clearly getting annoyed at being interrupted. “I was just about to tell the human here about the-“
*CRASH*
Once again, Celestia was cut off. This time the crasher came in from above, going clear through the ceiling and landing on the floor, creating a small crater in the wood underneath. It is yet another figure you recognize, wearing a red bandana around his forehead and a pair of camouflaged khaki pants.
“OH YEAH!” Discord yells, a look of glee in his eyes. “Now this is my kinda party!” He dusts himself off a little. “Things are getting kinda hairy out there, Celly. Even for me.”
“Discord, what are you doing here?” Luna demands. “You’re supposed to be in South America helping the armies there!”
“Oh peshaw.” Discord waves a paw at her. “Theoden’s forces are more than capable of handling themselves.”
“You left them alone?!” Luna shouts.
“Nonsense.” Discord says matter-of-factly. “I left them with the ‘Ride Of The Rohirrim’ playing in the background.” He floats lazily in the air. “They should be fine.”
“Even with epic background music, our enemy’s forces are without limit.” Celestia turns to Luna. “What is the situation in Australia?”
“MechaSteveIrwin has been deployed to the front lines alongside the Aussie Lumberjack Commando divisions, so their defenses should hold for the time being.” Luna looks down at the ground. “Though I know not how Shining Armor fares in Asia.”
“You’re sure? You haven’t heard anything?! Nothing?!” Twilight steps forward, her eyes wide and biting her bottom lip. “But what if they’ve already been overwhelmed?! What if-“
“Hush now, Twilight.” Celestia says in a calming tone. “No need to worry. Shining is fighting alongside the SamuraiSpartan special forces. He will be safe.”
“Except they didn’t have time to test out their Mjolnir XIV armor.” Luna says with a distant look. “Hopefully Dr. Mobius’ Robo-scorpions will help to turn to tide.”
“Remind me to give kudos to the good doctor when this is all over.” Discord floats down and lands back on the floor. “A very clever idea, and coming from me, that means something!”
“Assuming we survive the ensuing battle.” Celestia says as she turns back to you. “But first we need-“ She stops as she gets a good look at your face. “Um…are you ok?”
You don’t answer.
Your mind really didn’t have time to recover, between a cute yet badass looking moon princess crashing through your window and a chaos god pulling a Kool-Aid man straight through your roof. For anyone anywhere, it would be quite a strange experience, difficult to wrap one’s head around.
For you, it was somewhere between MechaSteveIrwin and Robo-scorpions that you brain decided enough was enough before promptly shutting down.
“Uh…human? You still with us?” Discord floats in front of you and waves a paw in front of your face, but you continue to stare forward with glazed over eyes and a slightly agape mouth. “I think we broke him.”
Luna cocks an eyebrow before turning to her sister. “Didn’t you explain the situation to him?”
“Oh, I would have loved to…” Celestia says in a mock cheerful tone before glaring at Luna and Discord. “…but I kept getting cut off.”
“Sarcasm is very unbecoming of you, Tia.” Discord says as he checks the ammunition reserves on his mind controlling squid launcher. “Try to leave the witty remarks and randomness to me.”
“Well never the less, we need to human’s help for what is to come.” Luna says as she turns to the still dumbfounded you. “Any ideas how to make him come around?”
Nopony had time to offer before the one to claim she had a solution did so.
“No worries, I got this.” Rainbow Dash flies over and stares at your bed with a mischievous smile before speaking in a loud yet fake tone. “Oh gee, this bed sure looks tasty. I wonder if the human would mind if I had just a little-“
“NOOOOO!”
With all the grace of a man awakening from an exorcism, you snap out of your stupor and lunge forward, knocking Rainbow aside before jumping on your bed. Still on all fours you then turn around, a feral look in your eyes before hissing and snarling horribly, clawing at the air threateningly to keep any ponies away from your bed.
They all stare at you with cocked eyebrows and slightly agape mouths. The one who commented first was probably the last they expected.
“Wow…” The ponies and Discord all turn toward the source to see Pinkie Pie, now apparently recovered from her Pinkie Sense overload, looking at you with a look of disappointment. “And ponies say that I have issues. I mean why would-AHG! TWITCHA!” With that, Pinkie once again collapses, her body shaking violently.
Celestia frowns before looking back at you. “Alright human, now I need your attention, so listen clos-“
“Raaarh!” You, still lost in your primal territorial instincts, continue to claw at the air while lightly foaming at the mouth.
Once again, the one with the “solution” does so. Rainbow Dash flies forward, deftly dodging your attempted swipes at her. She then raises a hoof…
*SMACK*
…and brings it across your face hard.
You give a yelp of pain before finally coming to, raising a hand to rub the sore spot on your cheek.
“Thanks.” You say plainly to Rainbow.
“You’re welcome.” Rainbow says just as plainly.
“Alright human, our time is now extremely short.” Celestia says, drawing your attention. “Would you like the short version, or the short short version?”
Although you would like nothing more than for this madness to end, you can’t deny that everything that happened over the last few minutes has sparked your curiosity. You give a heavy sigh before answering.
“Short version.”
“Basically, an incredibly powerful yet malevolent force was awakened from an eons long slumber, and now the sheer power of that Evil is tearing the very fabric of reality apart.” Celestia explains. “There are battles waging all across the multiverse, with heroes on both sides of this war that transcends time and space itself. Worlds are now being connected to each other, with the forces of good traversing across them to aid others who need their help.”
You blink a few times before promptly deciding to just play along for the time being.
“Continue.”
“Although there are many portals and battlefields, the epicenter for these events is here, on your planet.” Celestia takes a breath. “And we have determined this is because the Chosen One, the one with the power to destroy the Evil and save all of reality, is here in this world.”
You gaze falls rather flat, afraid of where this was going.
“So…” You begin with a rather tired tone. “…I’m the Chosen One?”
Celestia blinks a few times before cracking a slight smile. “No, you’re not.”
Before you could give a sigh of relief, she finishes.
“But you are sitting on it.”
You stare at her rather blankly for a few moments before turning your gaze down to see the thing that you were still atop.
Your bed.
“What.” You say.
“I had always wondered why so many of my little ponies had been drawn to this bed…” Celestia said with a thoughtful look. “…but now I finally understand the reason.”
“It’s a bed.” You say plainly.
“It seems that they were all drawn to the hidden light that lingered within your bed, a power that was strong yet gentle.” Celestia continued. “They felt safe near it, were comforted by its presence even if they did not know why.”
“It’s a bed.” You repeat.
“And now the time has come for that power to be put to use.” A look of sheer determination appears in Celestia’s eyes. “For the bed to use said power in what would be the final battle between good and evil, for the most basic right of all living things.” Her eyes are practically glowing with righteous fire. “The right to live.”
“It’s. A. Mother. Fucking. Bed.” You say before shaking your head.
“I understand that you are confused by all of this, as it must be a lot to absorb in such a short time.” Celestia looked you dead in the eyes. “But your fate is now tied to that of your bed. Your strength will give it strength to do what must be done, so that all of creation will continue on.”
“No, seriously. I just bought the goddamn thing last week!” You shout. “I’ll even show you the receipt!”
Before Celestia can say anything more, the bed vibrates slightly. With you still on top, it begins to rise upward until it is at least five feet off the ground. You and the others all stare wide eyed at the anomaly.
“What...how…” You look up to see that there are no horns glowing, and even Discord himself looked shocked at what was happening.
“Your bed has reacted to your presence, and now its powers are awakening!” Celestia explains. “It is time.”
“Time for what?” You squeak.
“Time for you and your bed to save the universe.”
You open your mouth to speak, but stop as a gentle hum starts to emanate from beneath you. The bed begins to glow with a heavenly light as your grip the sheets, a tear running down your cheek for all the wrong reasons.
“It’s not fair…” You whimper.
“The time has come!” Celestia shouts over the growing hum of power. “Go now! Help your bed fulfill its destiny! Only you two can undo these events that have been set in motion!”
The glow reaches its apex, the entire room lighting up like Times Square on New Years.
“Go!” Celestia calls. “And bring back the hope of creation!”
“But I just wanted to get some sleeEEEEEEEEEP!”
You give a loud shriek as the bed suddenly lunches forward, flying toward your wall. You instinctively duck down behind the headboard as the wall is destroyed, your bed leaving your home and flying into the sky. After a few long moments you hesitantly rise up to see what was happening.
You immediately wished you hadn’t.
True, it was partly because you were several hundred feet in the air on top of a flying bed.
But it was mainly because of what was happening around you.
The entire city seems to be in a state of pure pandemonium. You can see fires and gigantic plumes of smoke rising from several directions, especially from the sky rises of the downtown area. They sky overhead is a gigantic swirling, dark maelstrom of energy with lightning streaking between the evil-looking clouds.
You and your bed aren’t the only ones in the air. Quite far from it as a matter of fact.
You let out a loud yelp as an F-22 zooms right above the bed, the fighter craft flying with a squad of others in the direction of the downtown area. Down below there are some Apache gunships strafing over the neighborhoods, spewing both rockets and bullets into the streets below.
In the streets you could see thousands, no, hundreds of thousands of figures all fighting, bullets and bright bolts of energy flying between them. The sound of battle filled your ears wherever you turned them, truly a fight for the ages that no words could do justice to.
You merely let your head fall down on your pillow.
“Why does this shit keep happening to me?” You mumble through a face full of pillow.
“Anht zagatir nas!” A voice over a loudspeaker yells. “Na Adan Atum!”
You blink a few times before raising your head to the side to see a quartet of very familiar looking blue and gold crafts flying alongside your bed.
“En Taro Tassadar, great one!” One of the Protoss pilots greets over the loudspeaker. “Our lives are yours for the fight!”
“I don’t…” You shake your head in disbelief. “I can’t even…”
“Have no fear, sidekick of the Chosen One!” The Protoss Phoenix pilot reassures. “We will fight for the survival of all creation!”
“I don’t even want to be here!” You scream. “I just wanted to…wait...” You blink a few times. “What the hell do you mean ‘sidekick’? To a frickin’ bed?! Why-“
“We too late for the party?”
You turn to the other side of the bed to see even more fliers coming alongside. Your eyes fall first upon the trio of pegasi in blue and yellow flight suits, goggles over their eyes. Beyond that are the two human’s flying next to them, one wearing a tight green suit with goggles and the other a red and blue suit with a cape.
“Don’t worry, human!” Spitfire calls out. “We got your back!”
“As do we.” Superman says. “We will let nothing stand in our way!”
“The League fights by your side.” The Green Lantern says raising a fist with his ring glowing. “Justice will be upheld!”
You open your mouth to retort, but promptly shut it. It seemed at that point that questioning anything happening would do nothing more than hurt your brain even further.
And so shut up you did. Even as the squad of Protoss fighters broke off to engage a giant flying taco. Even as you passed over a Mark-3 Jaeger fighting the Colossal Titan. Even as Superman and Green Lantern had to go aide Morgan Freeman in his battle against the Ginyu Force.
You were too tired to question anything anymore.
“Up ahead!” Soarin called out. “We’ve got trouble!”
“Wha?” You say as you peek over the headboard.
The maelstrom above began to churn even more violently, the dark clouds getting darker and the arches of lightning intensifying. A pillar of dark energy shoots down out of the eye of the storm, the entire battle seeming to cease as every pair of eyes looks upward at the newcomer.
The pillar of light disappears, revealing the Great Evil that had at last decided to show itself.
Your eyes widen.
“A FUCKING FUTON?!”
Indeed, flying before the entirety of the world with dark energy swirling around it, is a black leather futon. Arches of purple lightning shoot out of it, giving off an aura of pure evil in its greatest form.
You shake your head in disbelief.
“That crazy ass hobo was right…” You mutter.
“This is as far as we can go!” Calls Spitfire. “We’re not match for that thing, but your bed is!”
“It’s up to the two of you now!” Soarin commented. “Go kick some leather!”
“But what the hell am I even supposed to doOOOOAHHHHH!”
Your bed suddenly lurches forward, the glow around its frame once again returning. The futon does the same, the swirling energies around it intensifying as it does so.
The entire world seems to slow down as your bed and the futon zoom toward each other. The futon begins to cackle and glow a dark purple color, while a righteous light almost completely engulfs your bed. The sheer amount of power from the two entities continues to grow even further as they prepare for the final strike that would determine the fate of all of reality.
Meanwhile, you just cower behind the glowing headboard, nearly on the verge of pissing your pants.
Just before the distance is finally closed and the bed and futon smash into each other, a single thought crosses your head.
All this because of a goddamn fortune cookie.
The bed and futon collide, and your entire world is consumed in a bright, blinding light.
***
*BEEP*
“Gooooood moooorning, my always faithful listeners. And what a lovely Tuesday morning it is, the sun out and the temperature at a comfortable 73 degrees.”
The slightly distorted voice is the first thing you hear as you begin to stir, opening your eyes up lazily. You blink a few times to clear the haze of sleep from your vision before groggily getting up to look around.
You find yourself lying on your bed, which happens to be back in your room. You first look toward the window to see that it is not broken, and then the ceiling to see no hole from where the mad god has crashed through.
“…Wall Street opened up on a good note today, with many of the stocks up from yesterday.”
You look down at the source of the voice to see your clock radio, which read 7:00. After a little more effort than you would have cared for, you manage to stretch out and stand up before moving to the window.
The scene outside is a surprisingly beautiful day, with the sun cresting over the horizon the signal the start of said day. The skies are clear and people are walking up and down the streets in the typical fashion for the beginning of the workday.
You furrow your brow before looking down at the ground.
It was…a dream?
You give a heavy sigh before shaking your head lightly.
I really need to stop eating old leftover Thai food before bed.
You turn around and begin to walk toward your door before something catches your eye. Namely something on your bed.
You turn toward it to see a new feature: a brilliant golden sash stretched around the mattress. It is etched with diamonds and emeralds studded together to proudly depict a single sentence:
“Savior Of The Universe.”
You blink a few times before making your way towards the door, immediately thinking of the several bottles of hard liquor in your cabinet.
Tonight seems like the perfect night to try to break your shot record.