Fimfic Authors Are In Your Bed

by Admiral Biscuit


Maud Pie Is Rocking Your Bed (Spirit Shift)

Maud Pie Is Rocking Your Bed
Spirit Shift

You sigh as you take the first steps onto your street. Already you begin to lament over another crappy day filled with the mundane yet maddening stress of working with your annoying co-workers and suicidal, thought-provoking— Stopping with one foot forward, you pause as sudden realization crashes into you.

Today actually wasn’t that bad. The store you work at had a slow day with not so many people entering, and the ones who did weren't bad enough to provoke your more… mature-rated thoughts. Not to mention, your more annoying co-workers seemed to have finally got it into their thick heads not to bother you today. The weekend shift workers even left something resembling a manageable sales floor. That was… unexpected, to say the least.

However, this wasn’t what made you stop. What made you stop was the nagging question; “If today wasn’t as bad as it usually is… why am I still annoyed?” You continue to walk towards your place as the persistent thought dominates your mind. You begin to wonder if recent events have had something to do with your now deeply ingrained sense of pessimism.

“Your job sucks.” That’s usually been the bottom line. Something that you’ve always believed. You swore at least twenty times that you would find something different, but you know how those promises usually turn out.

“Mondays are the worst.” Another irrefutable fact of life. Nothing good ever happens on a Monday. This fact has even been supported by something that’s rapidly becoming a pattern.

There was no way you’d ever get all of the pony hair out of your bed.

Speaking of which: “Something is waiting for you in your bed and you probably won’t like it.” Now where did this fact originate from? It might have had something to do with you ending most of your recent nights cleaning your room of beer bottles, finding new places to hide your porn magazines, fighting off the urge to succumb to the dark voices in your head, and worst of all… cleaning out whatever the hell happened to your bathroom.

You shudder, knowing that you’ll never look at a taco the same way again.

With a determined look, you finally decide that you will break this pattern. You’re determined that you won’t let this day end on a bad note. You decide to have at least some hope that whatever god up there has finally decided to give you a break. Today’s been a good day. You can and will deal with whatever’s on, under, or in your bed. “This Monday will be different!” you shout to the sky. “This I swear!”

~~~

Slamming open your door, the first thoughts to pass through your head are ways to clean up a murder scene. You glance toward your kitchen and debate using the various sharp tools located within. You briefly consider going to such lengths as grabbing your neighbor’s tools and shifting the blame. Though, you quickly shrug it off and decide to hold such thoughts until you find out exactly what kind of creature has entered your domicile this time.

Considering the state of the outside of your house, it must be some kind of large monster or terrifyingly muscle-bound pony. You briefly wonder if such a pony exists. If it does then you certainly haven't met one. Nope. None at all and you hope that you never do.



With all the anger of a temper tantruming child, you grab the knob of your door and open it with slightly less force than when you slammed your front door open. That said, it still caused quite the ding in your wall.

It was just as your feared, but not what you expected. There was indeed a pony in your bed, but it wasn't some muscle-bound pony that looked like they could lift weights with their chin. Rather, it was a normal-looking one, female, if recent experience served true. In fact if it weren't for those other ponies that showed up, you’d probably be wondering if male ponies even existed. But that was neither here nor there.

Pony or not, your wrath would not be stifled. You stare into her blank teal eyes... at least you think they’re teal, you were never good with specific shades of colors. She stares back, not even slightly afraid or surprised by the clear anger on your face. “Grr,” you growl.

Finally, she acknowledges that something is wrong. “Is something wrong?” she asks, though her tone makes you believe that she’s only asking out of courtesy.

“Gee, what made you think that?” you hiss.

She shrugs. “You’re making weird faces.”

You take a deep breath in an attempt to control your emotions. The dark voices grow louder and you realize that your wrath probably isn't worth turning into a monster. After a few seconds of mental debate, you decide to proceed as usual. “And you are?”

“I’m Maud,” she states. Her voice reminds you of your old math teacher, in that she would somehow speak with absolutely no emotion in her voice. Rubbing two rocks together would somehow produce more tone.

“And... why are you here?” you ask, following the routine.

She shrugs once again. You rub your temples and glance back up. The more you look at her, or rather, the scene behind her, the more your wrath returns. So instead, you decide to get right to the point. “Maud… why is there a giant rock in my room?” you ask in the most calm way possible.

Maud glances down at the rock she’s sitting on. The large boulder sat in a particularly familiar spot. And if you were to guess, the scattered pillows and pieces of broken wood littering the ground would probably provide a pretty big hint on why the spot was familiar. So much for the bed being special.

“It was a present,” she finally answers.

Her response surprises you and forces you to raise an eyebrow. “A present?” you ask skeptically. She nods. “Why did you give me a rock as a present?”

“Your old bed was too soft and I assumed that you did not like it.”

“And why did you assume that?” you deadpan.

“I’ve been here for three days and you did not once come to sleep on this bed.”

That one causes you to reel back in surprise. “You’ve been here since Friday?!” you ask, and she nods again. Thinking back, you do realize that you haven’t been up here as much lately. But you attribute that to recent unpleasant experiences that mostly involved cotton candy. At some point, you simply decided to sleep on the couch every night. But to not notice that she’s been here the entire weekend? She must’ve been a freaking ninja pony. Do those exist?

“But why a rock?” you finally ask.

“I thought about it and I realized that this bed must have been uncomfortable. I examined your couch while you were gone and appreciated the rough, rock-like surface.” She gently rubbed the rock she sat on. “This was my conclusion.”

It was true. Your couch sucked. Sometimes you wondered if it sucked on purpose. It was a gift from your ex in hopes that you guys could still be on good terms. Anyway, while you couldn’t argue about the density of the couch, you still stared at her in disbelief. “Where did you even get a rock that size?”

“Found it. There were many rocks, but this one was the biggest. I thought you’d like it.”

You try to be angry, you really do. But her seemingly pure intentions somehow manage to sooth your wrath. Lucky equine. Coughing awkwardly and totally not blushing, you say, “While I appreciate your intentions, I do have one other problem.”

She stares at you expectantly.

You take a deep calming breath and continue. “Why in the world did you feel it necessary to completely fill my yard with rocks?!”

She stares at you in confusion. “I’m not following.”

You nod and walk towards her. Climbing up on top of the rock, you gesture out through the gigantic hole in the wall to the yard itself. You’ve seen rock gardens before and you know what they look like. Outside was a literal ocean of rocks; not a single blade of grass stuck out from beneath the earth.

She hums in realization. She turns and you can barely make out what seems to be a faint reddish tint on her normally grey coat. “I got carried away when I was playing camouflage with Boulder today.”

You turn to her with confused look. Then you glance down at the large rock beneath you. “How do you play hide and seek with this big ass thing?”

She shakes her head. “No, this isn’t Boulder.” She reaches into her… dress? She pulls out a dark grey rock that’s a mere fraction of the size of the one you're sitting on.

You stare at it in shock and refuse to believe even for a second that she was able to find that small thing amongst the sea of earth outside. “I don’t believe for a second that you were able to find that,” you say flatly.

She looks at you with the same blank stare, only this time you swear that she’s glaring at you. “Is that a challenge?” Before you can answer, she turns and tosses the small rock out into the yard. If it could still be called that. You turn just in time to not see where the rock lands.

Slack-jawed, you crane your head back to her. “Challenge accepted,” she says. Once again not waiting for a response, she hops out of the room and down to the ground.

You gaze down in bewilderment as she stares at each and every rock. Though she wasn’t without variety. Every so often she would sniff or even lick a particular rock.  

Some dead chivalrous part of your mind suggests that you help her, but the rest of your mind flips it off. “Forget this, I need a drink,” you finally decide. “Maybe if I get drunk enough I’ll forget all of this and end the day on a high note.” You leave the room and pray that whatever pony shows up next somehow fixes this.