Sunset Shimmer paced back and forth in her house. “Okay, think,” she said to herself. “I really do need to do a better job with these friendship lessons. I suppose that one when we visited Cloudsdale was at least technically something I learned, even if not related to friendship, and I suppose I can count that one after the Discord nonsense to count as my singleton opportunity to just say ‘I didn’t learn anything.’ I have to come up with something real for my next one if I want to try to keep Sombra impressed.” She paused. “And I’d better do it fast, because it’s making me talk to myself constantly, which I read somewhere is a sign of insanity.”
She continued pacing back and forth. “I could make something up, but what if he finds out? That’d be even worse than making a bad one. I guess I’ll just have to visit some of those idiots I know. They’re always screwing things up, and I suppose if I put forward the effort to fix whatever they broke, I can find a lesson in there somewhere.”
Inspired with her new plan, she walked to the door, or at least she tried to. However, she had been pacing back and forth for so long that she actually wore the floor down a bit, causing her to trip due to the sudden elevation change. “Life is pain,” she muttered to herself before getting up and leaving the house.
Gilda’s house was the closest to hers, so she decided to go there. However, upon reaching the door, she noticed a note taped to it. “Busy with Diamond Dogs. If you really need me, I’m on the outskirts of Ponyville towards the Everfree Forest,” she read. “Wait, Diamond Dogs? Is she using them to perpetrate more pranks or something?”
Sunset dashed off towards the Everfree Forest. However, her dashing soon turned to walking as her endurance ran out due to that side of Ponyville actually being a bit of a ways away. “I need to get in shape,” she muttered to herself.
Eventually she reached the edge of Ponyville. After walking just a little longer, she found Gilda standing in front of some Diamond Dogs while holding a gun.
She must be terrorizing them, thought Sunset. All right, if I can stop her, I’ll be able to say I learned something about stopping bullying or something dumb like that.
“So, to repeat one more time to make sure you guys understand, the most important–” started Gilda before being cut off by Sunset lunging onto her and grabbing the gun.
“I won’t let you use your gun to intimidate these poor creatures!” declared Sunset, holding the gun as it pointed at Gilda. “The lesson here is that bullying is wrong!”
Gilda got up. “What the… huh? Bullying? I’m just giving these guys gun safety lessons.”
Sunset stared at Gilda. “Gun… safety lessons?”
“Well, duh,” said Gilda. “They can actually operate these things due to their fingers. I doubt they’ll ever get their hands on any, but in the off chance they do, I’m trying to make sure everyone who might use a gun knows proper gun safety to prevent accidents. Because accidents lead to complaints, and complaints lead to,” Gilda shuddered, “gun control laws.”
Gilda grabbed her gun back and turned back to the dogs. “Now, Sunset has demonstrated exactly how not to follow the most important rule of gun control, which again, is to never point it at anything you’re not willing to shoot at. Now, while the gun isn’t loaded this wasn’t quite as dangerous as it should have been, you should be following this even if the safety is on or if it’s not loaded. More gun accidents happen because…”
Sunset lost interest and walked off. “Okay, so that wasn’t helpful at all,” she muttered to herself. “I bet I can find Suri ripping somepony off.”
Sunset went to Suri’s store. As she approached it, a male earth pony left the store carrying a large number of clothes. “Did Suri totally rip you off with high prices?”
The earth pony looked at her quizzically. “Uh, she gave me these for free.”
“Wait, free?!” exclaimed Sunset. “As in, for no money?”
“That is generally what the word ‘free’ means,” said the earth pony flatly.
“Actually, that’s false,” said Sunset. “I’m pretty sure that the word ‘free’ is more commonly used to refer to not being under the control of somepony else or being unrestrained.”
The earth pony stared at her. “Uh, okay. Anyway, I’m free to end this conversation right now.” He walked off.
Sunset suddenly became aware of what she just said. “Arguing about what’s the most common definition of the word ‘free’? Argh, I really am getting stressed if I’m doing something stupid like that. Okay. Time to see Suri and hope that I can get something out of this.” She entered the store.
“Oh, well, hello, darling,” said Suri as she suddenly flew up to Sunset and put her hoof around her neck. “I can see you’re clearly in distress! Do you need an outfit repaired? Or a new one?”
Sunset looked at Suri’s rather intimate holding of her and also remembered her usage of the word ‘darling.’ She put Suri’s hoof away. “Okay, I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.”
Suri stared blankly at Sunset. “Huh?”
“Wait, weren’t you hitting on me?” asked Sunset.
Suri facehoofed. “No! I was trying to be nice! Never going to bother trying that again with you.”
“You were trying to be nice? Did Discord put you under a spell again?”
“Not as far as I know,” said Suri.
“Anyway, what I wanted to know was why you gave away all those clothes for free.”
“What? I can’t be a little generous?”
“Uh, not really,” said Sunset.
“Well, I was! Now buy something or get out!”
Deciding she wasn’t likely to get anything out of the situation by remaining, Sunset left.
“Hrm, maybe I did go a little far in trying to be nice,” said Suri. “At least donating all of those dresses I couldn’t sell anyway should go a long way to making myself look better in the community.”
Unbeknownst to Suri, Sunset had been listening in to her from outside. “Oh, I guess that’s the reason,” she muttered to herself. Realizing she was still no closer to finding something to write a friendship report on, she decided to try Lightning Dust next. However, Lightning Dust, like Gilda, wasn’t home. Only a sign saying “At Sweet Apple Acres” was an indication of where she had gone.
On her way to Sweet Apple Acres, Sunset heard a lot of loud noises. She quickened her pace to see what was going on. When she reached the area, she saw Lightning Dust in the process of destroying a barn.
“Huh,” Sunset said. “Guess Lightning Dust is angry at Flim and Flam again and figures that destruction of property would get her a lesser prison sentence than battery. Time to go to work!”
Sunset ran up to Lightning Dust. “Hey! Lightning Dust!”
Lightning Dust turned around. “What’s going on?”
“I know you’re upset with Flim and Flam again, but don’t worry! I’m sure I can help you resolve it.”
Lightning Dust appeared confused. “What are you talking about?”
Sunset grabbed Lightning Dust’s face with her hooves. “Oh, Lightning Dust, you don’t have to hide my feelings from me! I–”
Lightning Dust pushed Sunset away. “Whoa, whoa, hang on there. Okay, I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.”
“What do you…” started Sunset before realizing what she meant. “Oh, um, whoops. I didn’t mean that to come across like it did. This is why I usually try to avoid contact with others. I was referring to your feelings towards Flim and Flam.”
“Bleh!” said Lightning Dust, sticking out her tongue. “That’s just as gross!”
“I don’t mean romantically! I mean feelings in general! Before you cut me off, I was going to say ‘I know you must have had a fight or something.’”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because you’re destroying their barn?” asked Sunset, resisting the urge to throttle Lightning Dust.
“Oh, that? No, they asked me to. They don’t use this one anymore and wanted to use this space for other stuff.”
“Oh,” said Sunset. “How much are they paying you?”
“They’re not actually paying me,” said Lightning Dust. “I’m doing this for free.”
“To satisfy your inner destructive urges?” asked Sunset.
“Nah,” said Lightning Dust, “I’ve got your house for that. I’m just trying to help others out so I can add ‘community service’ to my resume, which might help me get into the Wonderbolts. Gotta do something to offset the whole criminal record thing.”
Sunset looked around. “Where are Flim and Flam?”
“Oh, they’re off donating to some charity.”
“Let me guess, a fake one.”
“No,” said Lightning Dust. “I think they learned their lesson on that after that whole ‘Human Fund’ debacle. It’s a real one.”
“Why would they do that?”
“It’s the right thing to do?” asked Lightning Dust. Sunset stared at her. “Okay, fine. They barely passed the top of their income bracket this year, so if they donate some of the money they can reduce their total income reported by that amount. Since that’ll lower them to the previous bracket and reduce their tax rate, it’ll actually make them more money.”
“Huh,” Sunset said.
“Anyway, you might want to go away, because there’s going to be a big explosion soon!” said Lightning Dust. Sunset took the hint and ran off.
“Ugh,” she said to herself as she walked home. “Of course it’d be today they all decided to not be selfish idiots. What am I supposed to do? Figures Trixie is still missing; I’m sure she’d provide me with something.”
Sunset walked home and took out a piece of paper. She stared at it for a while, willing a friendship letter to be written on it. When that didn’t work, she willed harder. When that still didn’t work, she gave up on the idea and started pacing back and forth again.
“There has to be something to write about… think, Sunset, think! Ugh, why did all of them decide to actually be productive citizens the one day I needed them to be their usual selves?” She paused. “Wait, why did they? It was because it benefited themselves… wait, that’s it!”
Sunset ran back to the piece of paper and started writing.
Dear King Sombra,
Today I learned that even selfish motivations can still occasionally produce positive results for other people. Even jerks can sometimes be nice.
Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer
She stared at the letter. “Well, I guess that’s the best I’m going to come up with.” She sealed it in an envelope and put it in the mailbox outside.
As she turned to go back into the house, a voice called to her. “Hey, uh, sorry to bother you, but could you maybe help me out?”
Sunset turned around again and saw a unicorn stallion. “Uh, hi,” he said. “I know this is awkward, but through a whacky series of circumstances, I ended up losing the money I had, and now I can’t buy a ticket back to Canterlot. Any chance you could help?”
“What do I look like, a bank?” snapped Sunset.
“Well I’m kinda in the royal guard, and I think Shining Armor and maybe even Sombra might be annoyed if I don’t get back in time.”
“And the bank is open now!” said Sunset, handing him some money.
“Oh, thanks!” he said. “I heard you were kind of a jerk, but I see you’re actually really nice!” He left.
Sunset stared off at him, then shrugged and went back inside. However, she tripped again on the hole left by her constant pacing. “I really need to stop pacing,” she muttered to herself.