//------------------------------// // I Am Iron Pony // Story: MLP: FML // by Maniac92 //------------------------------// At Sweet Apple Acres, the peaceful quiet- “YES!” cheered a voice. “IN YOUR FACE!” Was shattered. Rainbow Dash and Applejack were playing horseshoes near the barn. Rainbow Dash had just thrown her horseshoe. It sailed through the air and landed several feet past the stake. “Let’s see you beat that!” challenged Rainbow. “Um, Sugarcube?” began Applejack. She pointed at the stake. “You know the goal of this game is to throw your horseshoe at the stake, not past it, right?” Rainbow Dash looked at the stake and then back to Applejack. “Well…shit.” Applejack picked up a horseshoe and was about to toss it. “DON’T MISS!” screamed Rainbow Dash. Applejack flinched as she threw her horseshoe. It sailed through the air and landed several feet in front of the stake. Applejack turned and glared at Rainbow. “What?” Rainbow shrugged. “I told you not to miss.” She picked up another horseshoe. “Now, watch the master at work!” She chucked the horseshoe as hard as she could. Granny Smith hobbled around the corner. “Applejack!” she yelled. “Ah told ya to stop playin’ with yer friends and-” The horseshoe Rainbow Dash threw smacked Granny Smith in the face, knocking her over. “Mah hip!” Applejack and Rainbow Dash stared at the pained old mare. “Let’s play somethin’ else,” said Applejack. “Good thinking,” agreed Rainbow Dash. She paused for a moment. “Hey, what if we had a competition? An Iron Pony competition!” The two heard the sound of rockets and the music of ACDC and looked up. A figure in a suit of high-tech armor was hovering above them. “I am Iron Pony!” he shouted. “Not you, Pony Stark,” said Rainbow Dash. “Aw,” said Iron Pony. He flew away in shame. “Anyway…” said Rainbow Dash, turning back to Applejack. “A series of events to prove who the best athlete is!” “Ah don’t know…” said Applejack. “Ah should probably spend time with mah family and work on the farm.” The two ponies looked at each other and promptly burst out laughing. The next day, Applejack brought Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Spike to an empty area in the orchard. “So…you two are doing sports?” asked Twilight. “Yep!” said Applejack. “Physical activity?” continued Twilight. “Yes,” replied Rainbow Dash as she began stretching. “I see…” said Twilight. “Then why the hell am I here?” “We need someone to referee,” explained Applejack. “But I don’t know anything about refereeing!” argued Twilight. “We know,” said Rainbow, who had started to do pelvic thrusts. “That’s why we’re giving you…” She stopped and out a book, “This!” Twilight took the book and read the cover. “An Egghead’s Guide to Refereeing?” Applejack nodded. “We know the book’s pretty big, and you’ll probably need time to-” “Done!” said Twilight happily as she closed the book. “…You read all of that that quick?” asked a shocked Rainbow Dash. “Uh-huh!” nodded Twilight. Spike looked at Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s shocked expressions and smirked. “You don’t know her very well, do you?” Soon, an entire competition area was set up in the middle of the apple orchard. Areas for the events, stands for the audience, and even a large scoreboard were set up for the Iron Pony competition. “Hello everyone!” yelled Spike, wielding a stick. “What the hell are you doing?” asked Twilight as she walked up to him. Spike turned and whispered, “I’m the announcer for the Iron Pony competition. I’m going to provide commentary.” “…And you’re using a stick?” asked Twilight. Spike glared at her. “If I got paid more, maybe I could afford a real microphone.” Twilight burst out laughing. “You? Paid?” She walked off, howling with laughter. Spike held up the stick and continued, “It’s a beautiful day at Sweet Apple Acres as the first ever Iron Pony competition is about to begin! Today’s competition is sponsored by Twilight’s A Bitch! Yes, Twilight’s A Bitch, bringing you bitchiness since episode 1.” “I heard that!” yelled Twilight. “Good, you were supposed to!” hollered Spike. He turned and said, “And it looks like the audience is finally showing up!” Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie all walked into the area, looking confused. “What’s going on?” asked Rarity. “It looks like a sports thing!” said Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy paled. “Oh God…” “What?” asked Rarity. Fluttershy sighed. “It’s a sports thing. A sports thing that Rainbow Dash is apparently part of.” She pointed at the blue Pegasus, who was scratching herself. “Rainbow doesn’t really do well in competitions. She might get a little-” “Hey Applejack!” yelled Rainbow Dash. “Looks like I get to embarrass you in front of everyone! Promise you won’t cry too much after I beat you!” She put her hooves to her eyes and pretended to cry. “Boo-hoo! I couldn’t keep up with Rainbow Dash! She’s the best athlete that’s ever existed! I sure wish I was as amazingly wonderfully talented as her!” “…Competitive,” finished Fluttershy. As Twilight held Applejack back, Spike held up the stick and yelled, “Let the games begin! And may the odds be ever in your favor!” “Why do I feel like killing people?” asked Fluttershy. “That’s how you always feel!” said Pinkie cheerfully. “Oh yeah,” said Fluttershy. Everyone went over to the first event, where a long stretch of dirt ended with a finish line, which had a whole bunch of barrels stacked together. Fluttershy was awkwardly standing by the barrels, looking confused. “Hang on,” said Applejack. “Aren’t those barrels supposed to be on the track for us to go around?” “It was!” said Spike. “But our test audiences found that a little boring.” “Test audiences?” asked Rainbow Dash as everyone looked at Spike in confusion. “Pinkie,” explained Spike. “I demand entertainment!” yelled Pinkie Pie. “So,” continued Spike, “I tweaked this event a little! Just run to the finish line without getting hit by a barrel!” “Uh, ok?” said Applejack uncertainly. “It’s gonna be pretty easy with no barrels on the track.” “Ready?” asked Twilight, a timer in her hooves. “Set? GO!” Applejack took off like a shot, blazing down the track. “Fluttershy!” yelled Spike. “Applejack said that you’re fat!” Fluttershy’s eyes widened. A lone tear dripped down her face before her sad look was replaced by one of pure anger. “I WILL DEEESTROOOY YOUUUUUU!” she screamed. She grabbed a barrel and threw it at Applejack. “Oh shit!” yelled Applejack. She narrowly dodged the barrel, which broke apart on the track. She kept running as Fluttershy threw barrel after barrel at her. “You think you’re stronger than Shy?” asked Fluttershy. “SHY STRONGEST THERE IS!” She chucked two barrels at Applejack. The barrels hit Applejack, causing her to fall on the track. Twilight winced and said, “Applejack’s out! She did not finish.” She turned to Rainbow Dash and said, “Good luck.” Rainbow Dash scoffed and took her position on the starting line. “I’ve got this.” “Ready?” asked Twilight nervously. “Set? Go!” Rainbow Dash took off, running down the track faster than Applejack did. “Fluttershy!” yelled Spike. “Rainbow Dash said you fart all the time!” “Damn it Dash!” yelled Fluttershy, grabbing a barrel. “I told you about my irritable bowels in confidence!” She hurled the barrel at the running Pegasus. Rainbow Dash put on a burst of speed, avoiding every barrel Fluttershy threw. Applejack crawled out of the debris of the barrels that hit her and watched as Rainbow Dash ran past her. “Gotta go fast!” yelled Rainbow Dash, sprinting past the Earth pony. “Rainbow!” yelled Applejack, before she was hit by another barrel. “Faster, faster, f-f-f-faster!” yelled Rainbow Dash as she sped past the finish line. “Yes!” She yelled, pumping her hoof in the air. “I’m awesome!” “FLUTTERS TOO STRONG!” yelled Fluttershy as she dove on Rainbow Dash. “Get her off me!” screamed Rainbow as she was pummeled. “On to the next event!” said Spike cheerfully. “Hey,” said Twilight, pointing at the gates, “It looks like more ponies are coming to watch.” Several of the townsfolk wandered into the area, looking around at all the events that were set up. “Where are all my barrels?” asked one. “Some purple dinosaur stole all the barrels I had!” “Next event!” said Spike quickly, taking off at a run. He stopped in front of a tall test-your-strength game, like you’d find at a carnival. “Ok, for this next event,” he pointed at a target at the bottom of the game, “You guys will kick the target, which will move this weight,” he pointed to a weight that was resting on the target, “Which will shoot up depending on how hard you kick.” He pointed to a bell at the top of the game. “The goal is to try and hit the bell. Who wants to go-” “ME!” yelled Rainbow Dash, running forward. She kicked out and hit Spike, who was slammed back into the target. The weight shot up and hit the bell. “YES!” “Very good…” wheezed Spike. He attempted to get back up. “Now, as soon as I get out of the way, Applejack can-” “Shit, that’s nothin’ Rainbow!” said Applejack, walking forward. “Watch this!” She turned around and kicked out, hitting Spike in the chest. Spike slammed into the target so hard, the weight shot up and knocked the bell clean off. Applejack turned to a shocked Rainbow Dash and said smugly, “Years of Applebucking.” “Damn it!” yelled Rainbow Dash. “Onto the next event!” said Twilight happily. The crowd followed her, leaving Spike slumped against the target. “I taste blood…” he moaned. Twilight ran back to Spike and picked him up with her magic. “We need you for the next event Spike!” “Lucky me…” moaned Spike. Twilight ran inside a fenced off area where Applejack was waiting. Twilight walked towards Applejack and put Spike on her back and a cowboy hat on Spike’s head. Applejack turned to grin at Spike. “Make sure you get a good grip, Sugarcube. You’re about to go for a ride!” Spike blushed and said, “I can’t tell whether to be scared or aroused by that comment.” He grabbed Applejack’s flanks. Applejack moaned, a blush on her face. “Don’t grab so low…” “Definitely aroused,” said Spike, moving his hands up. “Ready?” asked Twilight. “Go!” Applejack bucked, causing Spike to flail around on her back. After several seconds, Spike flew off her back, and landed hard on the ground. “And now I’m in pain,” he moaned. “Definitely in pain.” Rainbow Dash stepped forward, standing above Spike. She turned around and bent over. “Come on, Spike! Hop on!” Spike’s face went red again. “You mean on your back, right?” Rainbow Dash looked back at Spike with half-lidded eyes and a small smirk. “Whatever works for you, stud.” Spike blushed harder and climbed on Rainbow’s back. “How does it feel being on top?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Would you stop?!” asked Spike desperately. “I know you like girls!” Rainbow laughed. “Oh, Spike. I’m Rainbow Dash. Everybody is fair game.” She turned and licked her lips. “Even if they’re a dragon.” Spike’s jaw dropped. “GO!” yelled Twilight. Rainbow Dash bucked once. In Spike’s distracted state, he easily slid off her back. “Rainbow Dash wins!” said Twilight. Spike groaned from the ground. “Did you say that just so you would win?” Rainbow Dash smirked and stood over Spike. She put her face centimeters from his. “How about we find out after this thing is over?” she whispered. “My place or yours?” Spike’s eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out. As Spike took a very cold shower, the events continued. The competitions ranged from lassoing, to bouncing balls on their heads, to throwing hay bales, to arm wrestling, to mud wrestling- “Wait,” asked Spike from the shower, “What was that last one?” Mud wrestling. “I thought so,” said the dragon as he turned the water temperature even colder. Throughout each of the events, the crowd grew larger and larger until it was time for the last event. The last event was so grueling, so painful, so jaw-droppingly amazing that Spike couldn’t just spend it in the shower. “I can’t?” asked Spike. NO! Spike had to hurry if he wanted to watch the most amazing thing that has ever happened in his young life! “…Did you not pay attention when I was getting hit on?” asked Spike. It’s even better than that. “Fine, I’ll go,” said Spike, turning off the shower. He grabbed a towel and dried himself off. “But it better not be anything stupid like-” Moments later: “TUG-OF-WAR!” announced Twilight as Applejack and Rainbow Dash stood on opposite ends of a large mud puddle. “I hurried for this?” asked Spike. He sighed and looked down at himself. “Well, at least that shower got me clean.” Pinkie Pie pushed Spike, yelling, “Isn’t this fun, Spike?” The dragon lost his balance and fell in the mud. He glared at Pinkie before sighing. “Yeah, that figures.” “Go!” yelled Twilight. Applejack and Rainbow Dash both grabbed the ends of the rope and started to tug. Each of them gave it their all to pull the other into the mud. Applejack gave a mighty tug. Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened as she was pulled forward. She would have fallen into the mud for sure…only she began flying at the last second. She flew upwards, lifting Applejack up over the mud. Applejack’s eyes widened as she suddenly found herself in the air. She opened her mouth in surprise, letting go of the rope…and falling into the mud. “Yes!” said Rainbow Dash as the crowd cheered. “I won! I’m the best I’m the best I’m the best!” “Hold on!” yelled Applejack, getting out of the mud. “That wasn’t fair! You can’t just use your wings to win!” “Uh, duh,” said Rainbow Dash, “I just did.” “That’s cheating!” said Applejack. She turned to Twilight and asked, “Isn’t it against the rules?” Twilight pulled out An Egghead’s Guide to Refereeing. “I know there was a chapter on Pegasus and Earth pony competitions…” She flipped to the back of the book. “Ah! Here it is!” She began to read, “If a Pegasus pony and an Earth pony are playing tug-of-war and the Pegasus uses their wings to win, then this is definitely, absolutely, without a doubt…” Twilight paused, flipping the page. She stared at the book in horror. “The last page is gone!” “What?!” asked Applejack. Twilight held out the book, which appeared to have had a page ripped out of it. Applejack turned back to Rainbow Dash, who had a page in her hooves. Applejack was able to get a glimpse of the words, “Against the rules” before Rainbow opened her mouth and shoved the page inside. “You tore out the page!” yelled Applejack. “You knew you were cheating.” Rainbow swallowed the page. “I don’t know what you’re talking-” She coughed suddenly and clutched her throat. “I think I have paper cuts in my esophagus.” “If you didn’t have those wings, you wouldn’t have won!” said Applejack. “Bullshit!” yelled Rainbow Dash. “I could beat you with my wings tied behind my back!” “Fine,” said Applejack. “Fine what?” asked Rainbow. “Tomorrow’s the annual Running of the Leaves,” explained Applejack. “I challenge you to a race! And you can’t use your wings at all!” “Ha! Easy!” said Rainbow. “You’re on!” Applejack smiled and walked away. Twilight walked over to Rainbow Dash and asked, “Are you sure about this, Rainbow?” Rainbow laughed. “Don’t worry, Twilight! With my wings, I’m sure to win!” “…But you just agreed not to use your wings. At all,” pointed out Twilight. Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “Oh fuck…”