You know that feeling? The one where you're the center of attention and you don't really like it? That's what I went through the whole time we walked to Applejack's farm. I mean, I could understand why they were staring. After all, I was an alien. If one of them appeared back where I came from I'd probably walk into traffic, my attention would be that focused. So it didn't really surprise me when one of them, I think it was teal with a harp on its flank, walked into a building.
By the time we'd gotten out of the town itself every single pony must've gotten a good look. Truthfully, I was glad. At least a few of their stares were hostile, I'm sure of that. At least I didn't get attacked. Even if they are only four feet high at the head, I'm pretty sure a good kick would be enough to collapse my lungs or something.
"So you live on a farm?"
"The biggest apple farm in all Equestria!" Applejack boasted proudly. "Ya won't find better apples anywhere else, I promise you that!"
“So you farm apples?”
“Yessir!”
“Every day?”
“Uh huh!”
“And you never get bored of apples?”
“I... Uh - ” Applejack stopped talking when she noticed the shit-eating grin Justin was wearing. “Ha ha, very funny,” she said sarcastically. “Ah enjoy what Ah do, thank ya very much.”
Justin stopped walking and held up his good hand defensively. “I’m just having a bit of fun. Whatever floats your boat,” he said, his grin downgrading to a simple smile.
“What the hay does that mean?” the earth pony asked, a little confused.
“Err...” Justin hadn’t expected to run into this. “It’s hard to explain.”
Rainbow Dash, hovering above the group as was her custom, had begun to snicker. “Rainbow, what’s so funny?” Twilight asked, looking up at her technicolour friend.
“I don’t think you’ll understand,” she replied with a hoof-wave. “It’s kinda weird.”
They proceeded in silence for a minute until Applejack’s curiosity finally won out. “Okay, ya’ll gotta tell me what the hay you meant right this instant.”
“No.” Justin was adamant to not say anything more. Honestly, he was a little scared as to how the farm pony would react.
“Tell me.” Applejack had stopped walking towards the farm and was now facing Justin. “Ya’ll gonna tell me or we ain’t movin’ another step.”
“AJ, you’re not gonna like it,” Rainbow said, sounding a little concerned.
“Ah don’t care! Ah need ta know!”
“Applejack, dear, I think you should listen to Rainbow.” Rarity had chimed in as well, sharing the pegasus’ concern. “I’m not sure you want to know.”
“Actually, I want to know as well,” Twilight said. All four of them stared at the purple unicorn, surprised. “What?” she asked.
Justin ran a hand down his face and sighed angrily. Rainbow lowered her altitude and whispered something in Applejack’s ear that only the earth pony could hear. Applejack’s face fell comically fast, but Justin was not feeling amused in the slightest. Neither, it seemed, was Applejack. “What kinda thing is that ta say to somepony?”
Justin could sense the situation turning hostile fast. Very fast. “It was just a joke! Honest to god, I’m sorry! I meant nothing by it!”
The earth pony glared at the human for a moment. A very tense silence filled the air before she turned tail. “Okay then,” she said, her voice somewhat threatening, “just keep that kinda nonsense to yaself around mah family.” As she walked away, they could hear her muttering “Last thing Ah need is Applebloom hearing that kinda...”
"I didn't think she'd react so badly," Rainbow said, watching her friend stomp down the path.
"I'm just glad she didn't kick me," Justin replied, biting his lip.
"What did you say to her?" Twilight asked Rainbow, who face-hoofed.
"Can we talk about this later?” Rainbow asked her friend, shooting her an annoyed look.
“Preferably when I’m not at risk of having my nose broken,” Justin added.
“How are you at risk of that happening?” the unicorn mare asked. Her friends and Justin stared at her as though wondering if she was serious. “What?”
“Please tell me she’s joking,” Justin said to nopony in particular.
“You are joking, right Twi?” Rainbow asked.
“Of course she’s joking!” Rarity exclaimed confidently. She then turned to Twilight, looking concerned. “You are joking, aren’t you?”
Twilight let out a rather fake laugh. “Of course I was joking, guys!” The laugh died when she saw the unconvinced looks they were wearing. “Let’s just go,” she said, her ears drooping in annoyance.
The group continued on in silence, which Justin was grateful for. Rarity had been asking a large number of questions about fashion, and he had managed to rebuke every single one with something along the lines of “I dress for utility, and so does most everyone.” However, she had been getting closer to things that were ‘special occasions’, and Justin had been dreading that. He knew nothing about fashion other than ‘black is slimming.’
When they arrived at the farm, the sight of it blew Justin’s mind. It was huge. As far as he could see, apple trees in every direction. He stood there, his jaw hanging loosely as he tried to process what he was seeing. After half a minute, all he could say was “So many trees...”
“That there are,” Applejack replied.
“You harvest all those apples yourself?”
“No, Ah’ve got mah brother ta help me with that. Mah little sister too, but she’s just a little filly, can’t do much.”
“Hey!” a new voice, a female one, said. “Ah’m not a little filly! Ah’m a big pony!”
Justin looked down and saw a small yellow pony with a red mane. He thought that the walk through the town would have prepared him for the possible cuteness he would encounter. He was wrong. At such proximity, he was sure he could feel his organs begin to shut down from an overdose of adorableness. He stared at the filly for a few seconds, knowing that if he didn’t avert his eyes soon he would suffer a lethal dose. But he couldn’t. As much as he wanted to, there was something about her that just made such an act physically impossible.
“Justin? Are you okay?” He was brought back down to reality when Rainbow Dash clopped him across the back of his head.
“Huh? Wha?”
"You've been standing there for a whole minute,” Twilight said. “Maybe you have a concussion?”
“No, no, I’m fine,” Justin said, a little too quickly for the ponies’ liking.
“Uh-huh,” Applejack said, obviously unconvinced. “Anyways, this is mah sister Applebloom. Applebloom, this is Justin.”
“Hi!” Applebloom said loudly, the bow in her mane bobbing like crazy. “Ya’ll the monkey that crashed inta one of the apple trees two days ago, ain’tcha?”
“Applebloom!” Applejack yelled angrily. “Don’tcha call him a monkey!”
“It’s alright,” Justin replied with a causal wave of his good hand. “I’ve been called much worse, trust me. ‘Monkey’ is a nice step up, if anything.” He leaned down closer to Applebloom, trying to ride out the wave of crushing cuteness. “But if you call me that, all the other ponies will think that’s my name,” he said seriously.
“Sorry, Justin. Ah din’t mean nothin’.”
“And I know you didn’t,” Justin replied, standing up straight again. “Just don’t do it again, okay?”
“Okay!”
“Justin, din’tcha wanna see what happened to that contraption ya’ll came here on?” Applejack asked.
“Oh yeah.” He looked down at Applebloom. “I’ll be right back.”
As he followed Applejack towards the barn, the earth pony began talking. “Ah was worried that you were gonna say somethin’ stupid again.”
Justin shrugged. “I know how to act around kids. I’m fully capable of self-censorship, thank you very much.”
“Just as long as you don’t make any more jokes about which way mah barn door swings.”
Justin almost tripped over his own feet when she said that. He quickly recovered and acted as though nothing had happened. “Gotcha.”
The barn door swung open easily when Applejack put her weight against it. “Well, there it is,” she said, gesturing into the barn with her hoof.
Justin stepped in and stared at the mangled wreck on the ground. “How fast was I going?”
“No idea,” the cowpony replied. “We just found ya on the ground.”
The bicycle was a mess. The wheels were bent so horrifically out of shape that they couldn’t even spin. The handlebar was twisted in ways that probably weren’t possible. The frame had been snapped in multiple places from the forces it suffered. “I should probably be dead,” Justin said loudly. “There’s no way I should have survived.”
“Are ya sure?” Applejack asked skeptically. “Ah mean, for all ya know that there thingamajig was poorly made.”
“Hey, that thing cost me a fortune. I could’ve thrown it off a mountain and all I’d need to was give it a good scrub.” He pointed to what was left of his bike. “This looks like it was shot out a cannon then stomped on by an angry giant.” He stared at it for a moment. “So how am I alive?”
“And this is where I live.”
“A tree? Really?”
“What? Is there something wrong with that?”
Twilight had offered to let Justin stay with her until he could find somewhere to stay. On the way she had given him a more detailed tour of Ponyville, pointing out where her friends lived. The route from the clinic to Sweet Apple Acres had not passed by Sugarcube Corner. The mere sight nearly made Justin keel over from diabetic shock. As such, the Books and Branches Library was rather mundane in comparison.
“Oh, nothing. I feel perfectly safe living in a highly flammable building filled with enough fuel for a small inferno,” Justin rattled off in a complete deadpan.
Twilight rolled her eyes in response. “All the books are charmed so they can’t be set alight. Same with the tree. I might as well be living in a stone castle.” She pushed open the door and yelled out “Spike! I’m home!”
Justin took a look around and was stunned by the amount of literature he saw on the walls. He was wrong. There was enough fuel here for a dozen large infernos. There were even piles of books stacked up on tables around the room, leading him to believe that this place was filled to bursting point.
“You don’t have to yell, Twilight.” A small bipedal wingless dragon stepped out of what might have been the kitchen wearing an apron. He scratched absently at his purple scales as he took in Justin. “Why is there a monkey behind you?”
“Why is there a small talking lizard wearing an apron?” Justin’s retort came at lightning speed, almost as though he had anticipated what he would see.
“Hey! I’m not a lizard, I’m a dragon!”
“And I’m not a monkey.”
“Spike, you remember how I told you about what happened at Sweet Apple Acres?” Twilight looked nervously between dragon and man, hoping a fight wouldn’t erupt.
“Oh yeah.” Spike took the apron off, revealing his pale belly. “So you’re the thing that appeared?”
“Guilty as charged,” Justin replied, putting his hand over his heart.
Without much warning, Spike belched out a stream of green fire that quickly coalesced into a scroll. Justin had instinctively jumped away in shock. “The hell!?” he yelled.
“It’s a letter from the princess,” the dragon said, clutching the scroll.
“I can see that, Spike. Could you read it out?”
Spike cleared his throat and unravelled the scroll.
“My dearest Twilight Sparkle,
I must admit I was surprised when I read your latest letter. I shall be visiting Ponyville tomorrow to see with my own eyes this otherworldly being you spoke of. Please make sure that it is kept safe and well until that time.
Princess Celestia”
Spike stopped reading and tilted his head quizzically. “Huh. Talk about short.”
“I’m sorry, did he just burp out a letter?” Justin’s expression mirrored perfectly the sheer confusion filling his mind at that moment. “How is that possible?”
The dragon shrugged. “It’s magic. I ain’t gonna explain anything.”
“The princess is coming tomorrow?” Twilight’s pupils had shrunk to pinpricks. “Oh no. I need to get ready! Spike, help me clean up!” She began running around frantically, picking up tomes with her telekinesis. “Come on!”
Spike sighed and looked over at Justin. “Girls,” he said with a smirk.
“Don’t get me started,” Justin replied with a laugh.
Three days after my arrival and I was getting to meet royalty. Seeing I’d only been up for one day, technically not even that, I was more than a little shocked. Perfectly understandable. A bit more warning might have been nice, though. For Twilight’s sake, more than anything. That crazy mare ended up collapsing. These ponies are really light. I was expecting to throw out my back when I carried her to her bed. Speaking of which, beds. I thought horses and such slept standing up. I might be wrong, but I’m pretty damn sure that’s the case. Then again, there are ponies here that can fly or use magic. I should probably just throw out the rulebook I grew up with.