Button Mash Is In Your Bed, Pissing Off Hasbro
Ponyswamp
Your day was relatively good, all things considered. The customers at your work weren’t as utterly horrible as they usually are, and your superiors didn’t screw you over to a highly noticeable degree.
The way home was clear and unobstructed by the usual morons. As you walk through the door, you mentally prepare yourself for yet another pony to enter your bedroom and change your day, for better or for worse.
Today, there is half an argument emanating from your bedroom, which you cautiously listen to as you go to pour yourself a glass of water.
You begin to decipher words in the argument, which you assume is over a phone, as you down your drink. You hear “pissed”, as well as “legal” and “jam”.
Suddenly, a loud explosion sound comes from your room, and, begrudgingly, you decide that you ought to find out the cause.
Upon entering your seemingly undestroyed room (you’ve seen too much to assume it isn’t secretly destroyed), you discover a small brown pony with a two-tone mane and tail, chatting on the phone and playing video games.
Seeing the small pony’s current form of entertainment, you dismiss the explosion as a virtual one, and set off on studying the small creature, who has yet to notice you.
Unlike most of the others, this one has nothing on his flank, which means something you don’t really care about right now. He (well, you assume he’s a he) is wearing a propeller beanie, of all things. Also, he is talking on the phone.
Well, he was. Now he’s really just cackling madly while someone on the other side yells something you can’t quite make out. You sneak a peek at the game he’s playing, and it’s one of the more violent ones you own.
Judging by the shrillness of the pony’s voice, it’s clear he’s a child, and as the closest thing to a responsible adult in his vicinity, you decide that the game is too mature for the pony currently laughing like a frequent flyer at the funny farm on your bed.
You switch off your system, which elicits a yell from the pony on your bed, who discards the phone to the other side of the bed.
“The hay, man!” the pony cried shrilly. “I’d nearly beaten my high score!”
You stare at him blankly. “That game doesn’t have high scores.”
He looks genuinely embarrassed. “Well… I was keeping track myself!”
“You were?”
He grins widely, which is frankly adorable. “Yep! I had a K/D of 42.333, a max killstreak of 57, and an impressive total of 27 360° noscopes!”
You continue to stare at him blankly. “So, what, you’re the MLG pony?”
He also keeps up his facial expression, still grinning widely. “Yep! My name is Button Mash! I’m eight years old, and I like video games! I live in Ponyville, with my mom, my dad, and my brother! I don’t have a cutie mark yet, but I don’t care much about that.”
You are filled with a sense of unidentifiable dread at those words.
You decide to change the subject. “So, who was on the phone? They sounded pretty pissed.”
Button dropped the controller and started doing what you assume is a celebratory dance. He’s a pony, so it’s sort of weird.
“Hasbro legal team! Hasbro legal team!” the pony chanted excitedly. It was sort of confusing.
“Wait, wait. Like, Hasbro the toy company?”
Button nodded comically. “I don’t know why, but they hate me and this dude named Jam, or something like that. Now I’m here, and I thought I might as well call them and say ‘in your face’!”
You scratch the back of your head for no reason whatsoever. “How in the world do you know about them hating you?”
He shrugs. “I googled myself.”
You blink. “How do you even know how to use a computer?”
Button’s jaw drops. “I have a K/D of 42.333! Of course I can work a computer! I can easily internet!”
“You can internet?”
“Yes.”
“Internet isn’t a verb.”
“I know that.”
“Then why-”
Suddenly, you hear a knock on your front door. Since you’re not expecting any guests, you glance at Button for an explanation.
He shrugs. “Maybe it’s the pizza I ordered.”
You sigh. “How did you order a pizza?”
“I just came to an alternate dimension, googled myself, called the Hasbro legal team, and got a KD of 42.333, and you’re asking me how I ordered a pizza?”
You just look at him. “Touché.”
The knocking continues on your door, and you slowly back away from Button, not once taking your eyes off of him until you leave your bedroom.
You walk to the front door, wondering who on earth it could be. You peek through the peephole, and then look away. You can’t remember seeing anything.
Upon opening the door, however, you discover a group of no more than fifteen or so finely dressed men with sunglasses.
The one closest to the door holds up a badge. “Agent Hollister, of the Hasbro legal department.”
You stand there for a few seconds, taking that in. Then you gesture at him and put on a look of utter confusion.
“You’re a legal team! Why on earth are you suddenly the Men in Black?”
Agent Hollister holds up a hand, as well as a sheet of paper, which he begins to read from. “Sir or madam, you are charged with possession of copyrighted material. The aforementioned copyrighted material is charged with unlawful existence.
“The minimum penalty for possession of copyrighted material is a C&D letter for your current illegal activities involving our material. The maximum penalty is a C&D letter forbidding you from existence.
“The penalty for unlawful existence is forcibly returning the culprit to their former duties. In the case of one ‘Button Mash’, these duties include: an appearance in a two second segment. The culprit is also given a demerit point on their profile, reducing royalty payments for their appearances in copyrighted Hasbro material.
“Should you have any complaints or objections in relation to our charges, you may state them now.”
You just stand there stupidly. Agent Hollister smiles. “Excellent.” He and the other fourteen or so agents somehow pass through the door frame without touching you at all.
You sort of just stand there for a couple seconds, just trying to take in what just happened. A child’s scream from your bedroom snaps you from your stupor, and you rush to the source.
Button Mash is still on your bed, somehow shooting laser beams from your game controller at the Hasbro agents.
“You!” he yells at you. “You were supposed to stop them from getting to me!”
“We never made that deal!” you shout, but Button doesn’t seem to care, as he tosses you your spare controller.
He rushes to the TV, dodging lawyers at every turn. “Follow me!” he screams, shortly before actually leaping into your TV screen. And going through it. Like, not in the ‘smash your TV to bits’ through it.
Still not seeing much sense in this, you follow Button into your TV.
And once on the other side, you discover that Button Mash, the naive little colt, has set up your arena in which you will fight the Hasbro lawyers: Minecraft.
You look furiously at the colt. “Are you serious? I had things like Call of Duty and Mass Effect, and you choose the place where we have to literally build our own weapons!?”
Button gets right up in your face. “Yes! This is the only game in your collection where the lawyers have to take on their true form!”
Your eyes start darting around frantically. “Their true form?”
Button nods. “None of your other games had the programming to force it. Minecraft is the bane of lawyers!”
You look at him. “Well, where are they?”
Button points behind you, and you turn around. There it is, about three feet from where you stand: a pond filled to the brim with fifteen or so squids wearing business suits.
You look to Button. “Huh.”
And the two of you punched squids long into the night.
Later…
Button took you back to your room after thoroughly murdering all the lawyers. You asked him how he was coping with having the blood of fifteen or so people on his hooves, and he replied with “They’re not people. They’re lawyers.” You frankly found it hard to argue with that.
Now, Button is playing video games with you. And, as little as you want to admit it, he’s beating you.
“Oh yeah! Take that, loser!”
You scrunch up your face. “I still don’t understand how you got to level 50 while I was at work.”
Button grinned. “MLG.”
There was a knock at the door. You both looked at each other.
“Can the controllers still shoot lasers?”
“Yep.”
You nodded, and snuck up to the door. You looked through the peephole, and again saw nothing. You’re not falling for that one again, and you fling open the door and start mashing buttons, sending lasers off into the night.
Luckily, the grey pegasus mare with a mailbag was hovering above your door, or she’d have been fried. You stopped shooting lasers, feeling silly.
“Sorry about that.” you muttered quietly.
She chuckled, and landed on your doorstep. “That’s alright, it happens more often than you think!”
She hands you an envelope. “Enjoy your mail!” she says cheerily, before flying away.
And here you are just trying not to feel bad for staring at her crossed eyes.
Button pops his head into the room as you close the door. “Is the coast clear?”
You nod, and open the letter.
Dear Sir or Madam,
We must, regretfully, commend you on your having conquered our lawyers. We know they are no easy foes, and defeating them must have taken a great deal of skill, or otherwise a large dosage of excellent luck.
As per the Equestrian Agreement of 2009, any entity that kills, subdues, or otherwise thwarts a legal team sent on them are free of all charges included in the letter of prosecution. We would like to congratulate you on your mastery of the legal system.
Yours truly, The Hasbro Corporation
P.S, check your closet.
Gulping, you walk to your closet, and slowly open the door.
Agent Hollister, crouching in the corner, grins (and it was a very sinister grin) and holds up an object that resembles a metal pen.
“Smile.” Then the flash.