Entry Four: Death
Set After Chapter 18: The Nightmare Revealed
I accompanied Twilight to a funeral today.
It was…
I had only met Daily Vigil a few times, and I had never exchanged more than a few words with him.
Still, he’s gone.
I’ve read reports and gone over census numbers. I understand biology. But knowing that a particular pony existed yesterday, and now he doesn’t, I’m not sure what to make of this.
I suppose in some ways it is the opposite of birth. I used to not exist and now I do. Daily Vigil used to exist and now he does not. I would rather exist than not, so I suppose that death is a bad thing.
I wonder exactly how many times my student has had to go through this. I could go through the records to see how many funerals she has attended, but I am afraid of what I would find.
In my last entry I wrote of the joy I felt at going outside and how it gave me a better understanding of my student’s dedication. I realize that I was writing about the joy of life. Today I understand the sorrow of death. My student does not work simply to preserve the beauty of life, but to avoid the pain of loss.
But it is inevitable isn’t it? Ponies just stop working. They are such fragile things. Even during the reign of Princess Celestia, ponies die. Even under optimal conditions ponies only seem to last at most around ninety to a hundred years. What I saw in Twilight today? How will she survive that over and over again.
It was an accident that took Daily Vigil, but I think some part of my student blames herself.
I don’t know how to fix things.
I saw Daily Vigil’s wife and son at the funeral. His son was quiet, just standing there. His wife was crying. They both lost the same pony, but their response were completely different.
I had no idea how to act. I think what I felt was awkwardness, but it is hard to tell. Nowhere in my reference memories is any indication that Princess Celestia had ever felt awkward. I spent the entire time shuffling my hooves while standing next to Twilight, hoping that nopony would notice my fidgeting.
What was I supposed to do?
I didn’t really know the pony. Not enough to have been there if it wasn’t for Twilight anyway. How is anypony supposed to react to that?
And then somepony said something that truly confused me. They said that Daily Vigil was in the great eternal pasture in the sky.
I asked Twilight about it and she explained the concept of the afterlife to me. I asked my student if she believed in it, and she was silent for awhile.
Eventually she told me that she used to but was not sure any more. She hoped that there was a place of rest for the ponies she failed. I did not ask my student the question I really wanted to ask.
Do I have a soul? If something permanently disrupts my matrix, will I go anywhere, or will I simply cease to be?
I’ve only just begun to live… I don’t think I want to die. If I was just a thing I would not be able to die, but I would not be alive either.
I’ve had some ideas about what I can do for my-
There is an alarm sounding. I hear the guard shouting. Something about the knight protector and the Princess leading an assault. I need to go