//------------------------------// // Chapter 35 // Story: Princess Luna's Suicide Solutions // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// “...so all of you are a family now,” Princess Luna said to all of the foals gathered around Noctilucent, Quirky, and Holly. “Are there any questions about what we have talked about or what Noctilucent did?” “You were very brave to tell us,” Cactus Blossom said as she wrapped one foreleg around Noctilucent’s foreleg and gave it a squeeze. “Do you feel better now?” Sassy asked. “Yes, do you feel better now?” Graves repeated, the little donkey looking curiously at Noctilucent as he spoke, his long ears drooping down beside his face. Sniffling, Candy Corn said nothing and wiped her snotty nose on Cactus Blossom, who let out a disgusted cry. Cactus Blossom squirmed and tried to get away from Candy Corn, but it was no use, so the foal resigned herself to being used as a tissue. “So the bad pony that hurt you was you,” Arroyo murmured slowly as his brain slowly wrapped around the knowledge that Noctilucent had tried to kill himself. The pink colt heaved a weary sigh and shook his head. “Don’t do that again.” “I don’t think he will,” Quirky whispered in a voice that sounded close to tears, raspy, low, and hitching slightly. “But Noctilucent needs all of us. He looks after you, but all of you need to look after him. He hurts inside, just like all of you do. We understand each other’s pain I think… so we have an obligation to help one another.” “All of you are taking this much better than I believed that you would,” Princess Luna said as she looked down at the faces of all of the little foals around Noctilucent. “I told you this bunch is exceptionally resilient,” Lethe remarked as she adjusted her glasses. “All of them has been touched by suicide or tragedy in some way. Each have been made stronger for their experience.” Pulling Arroyo close, Holly stooped down and kissed him on top of his head, behind his horn, and in between his ears. The foal attempted to wiggle free, but Holly just squeezed tighter and refused to let go. “You’re mine now,” she whispered. Hearing Holly’s words, Arroyo went still and looked thoughtful. “Noctilucent, when you get a chance, I would like to speak with you privately,” Princess Luna said in a soft voice. “It is not a pressing need though. Spend some time with them and recover from this ordeal.” Seated at the kitchen table, Princess Luna looked first at Doctor Lethe and then at Noctilucent. She smiled a soft smile, her features warm and friendly, and she felt a prickle of concern for Noctilucent, who seemed nervous. “There is nothing to fear Noctilucent,” Princess Luna said in a reassuring voice. “You took some big steps… you dealt with Merriweather and you confessed what you did to the foals you now care for. You are doing well in school. It is time for you to know something.” His ears splaying out sideways, Noctilucent smiled and began to look a little more confident. He lifted his head higher and his flat square teeth became visible as his smile grew into a wide grin. “It is good to see you happy,” Doctor Lethe remarked as she looked at the happy stallion sitting at the table beside her. Thinking about her words carefully, Princess Luna looked Noctilucent in the eye. “I feel that it is only fair to tell you… about your geas…” “Yes?” Noctilucent replied, looking hopeful. “Your geas… only existed for a short time after I rescued you to prevent future suicide attempts and to keep you from doing anything foolish in the hospital. It actually wore off in the hospital. After that, everything you did, you did of your own free will. You chose to live. You chose to do everything that Holly asked of you. You chose to be a devoted and dutiful caretaker. There was nothing compelling you to do anything. You have been free this entire time, and everything you have done has been by your own choosing,” Princess Luna explained. She reached across the table and patted Noctilucent’s hoof with her own and smiled a loving smile at the dappled pegasus. “Oh…” Noctilucent gasped as he began to realise the power of suggestion. “So you wanted to live. You wanted to get better. Everything you have done, it is something that you wanted to do. All of this was you. You made this happen. Your own desires made this possible,” Princess Luna said as she continued to give Noctilucent’s hoof a gentle patting, trying to ease the stallion through the moment of stunning revelation. “Noctilucent, there was nothing stopping you from leaving this orphanage. You could have walked away at any time. You stayed because you wanted to get better-” “I stayed because I found something worth living for,” Noctilucent interrupted, looking apologetically at Doctor Lethe as he spoke. “Thank you for telling me Princess Luna… I don’t know what else to say and I’m actually very happy that you did all of this for me.” “You are getting better… Princess Luna and I both felt that after you finally told the foals why you were really here that you should know the truth,” Doctor Lethe said in a kindly voice. “What about my cutie mark?” Noctilucent inquired. Smiling an almost teasing smile, Princess Luna’s eyes twinkled. “That would be telling… I am sorry, but I cannot tell you that just yet. Suffice to say, things aren’t always what they seem. When your candles have flames again, I give you my promise that I will explain in detail what was done to your cutie mark.” “That seems fair,” Noctilucent replied as he looked down at Princess Luna’s hoof, which was touching his own. “I feel better knowing that everything I did… I did it because I wanted to do it,” he admitted as he stared down at Luna’s silver shod hoof. Mindful of his injured wing, Quirky pulled Noctilucent closer, her lips trailing up his cheek and along the edge of his ear, moving, creeping along in little nibbly movements. “You did good… you seem happier.” “Speaking with Merriweather removed a dark shadow from my mind,” Noctilucent confessed as he wrapped a foreleg around Quirky’s neck and began rubbing his long neck against hers. “Seeing you with the foals today… you were so brave and honest,” Quirky whispered, breathing into Noctilucent’s ear, making it quiver and twitch. Unable to resist, Quirky nipped Noctilucent’s ear with her teeth, making the stallion jump in her embrace. She held his ear, refusing to let go, and let out a seductive growl. Feeling Quirky squirming against him in the bed, Noctilucent let slip a nervous giggle as his ear was tugged upon. He felt her tail swish up against his hind legs. He ran his foreleg down her sides, feeling her sleek coat and the muscles quivering over her ribs. Reversing his stroke, he ran his foreleg upwards until he was rubbing along her neck, and then he gave her a needy squeeze. Unclamping her teeth from Noctilucent’s ear, Quirky moved her head to press her nose into the soft flesh under Noctilucent’s jaw. “Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus will need to be fed soon.” “This is nice… just this… this moment together,” Noctilucent admitted. Planting a little kiss and then pulling away, Quirky nodded. “Yes it is,” she whispered. “It’s been a long day darling… get some sleep.” The hospital was now a soothing place, still full of ghosts, of memories, but these did not bother Noctilucent now. He prowled the halls, moving around, looking for the other parts of himself, hoping to find them, glad to have a chance to speak with them. The ghosts, the memories, all of them seemed so much more solid since the last time he had seen them. They were practically solid now. He was making peace with these memories a little bit at a time, and he supposed that how he viewed them in his dream reflected upon his mental state. Soft music was playing in the background, bland meaningless music that was common to hospitals. There were murals on the walls now… splashes of much needed colour. The world did not look so pale grey and sterile hospital green. The lighting had changed as well, the overhead lights now produced a soft warm yellow light instead of the cold glow he remembered. There was now a receptionist at the nurses station desk and she chatted warmly with the memories as they passed, but she paid no mind to Noctilucent as he went by. And then, he saw them. Shadow Noctilucent and She Noctilucent. “Hello, both of you,” Noctilucent greeted. He looked around and realised something was missing. “Where is Little Me?” She Noctilucent looked sad, but only for a moment, and then she offered Noctilucent a bittersweet smile. “Little Me is gone… he vanished while you bared your soul today and told the foals your dark secret. He said goodbye and then he was gone.” “Where did he go?” Noctilucent asked. Stepping closer, Shadow Noctilucent rapped Noctilucent upon the head, which produced a hollow sounding -conk- noise. “Up here, where he belongs. Eventually, both of us will go as well as you heal.” “So I’m getting better?” Noctilucent inquired of himself. She Noctilucent nodded. Grinning, Shadow Noctilucent gave Noctilucent a prod. “The three of us have something we have to do. Come with me.” “Where are we going?” Noctilucent asked. “Out,” Shadow Noctilucent responded. Stepping away from the two stallions, She Noctilucent moved near a door that shifted and warped as she approached. The door changed to a lovely sky blue colour as she drew close. She opened the door and a night sky full of stars lay beyond. “Get moving,” Shadow Noctilucent said as he gave Noctilucent a not so gentle shove towards the door. It felt good to fly again. Soaring through the night, Noctilucent looked down at Equestria below him and up at the stars up above him. The night air was cool, soothing, it caused him to shiver and tingle as he slipped through the chilly air, his wings only flapping occasionally as he glided on unseen currents. “He’s out here, disrupting the sacred night,” Shadow Noctilucent said as the trio flew together. “Who?” Noctilucent asked. “The part of you that broke away. He slips from dream to dream, scaring foals. Princess Luna and her lunar pegasi hunt him, but they have no chance of stopping him," She Noctilucent replied as she glanced over at Noctilucent, who flew between her and Shadow Noctilucent. Canterlot twinkled below, the entire city was ablaze with lights that pierced the night. Noctilucent began to feel afraid as he started to realise where they might be headed. “Eventually, you are going to have to fight him,” Shadow Noctilucent stated in a determined voice. “You have to take responsibility for yourself.” “I understand,” Noctilucent responded. He rolled, banked, and then leveled out, glad to be flying again, even if it was only a dream. Shadow Noctilucent dived, suddenly breaking away, and Noctilucent was compelled to follow him. She Noctilucent dipped, her wings folding in for a moment, and then she leveled out. It was the cliff… the place where all of this started. Flapping his wings to slow down, Shadow Noctilucent prepared to land. Noctilucent followed Shadow Noctilucent’s lead, and She Noctilucent went streaking off to fly over the edge of the cliff. Coming to a skidding halt next to Shadow Noctilucent, Noctilucent saw the place where he broke his own wing. He felt pain, real pain, and his breath caught in his throat. Beside him, She Noctilucent came in for a landing. “This is the transition point. You’ve done the hard part… you know the truth. The geas was a load of horseapples and I’ve known this all along. You became aware of it when you walked to the library,” Shadow Noctilucent said in a raspy growl. “No more excuses. You owe those foals and those who love you all of you and all of your strength as a pegasus. You owe it to yourself. Do you remember the dream? The tornado? Cactus Blossom?” “I can’t forget,” Noctilucent answered in a fearful voice as he looked at his shadow aspect. He remembered everything about that nightmare, including the pain. He could feel it now, something impaling his side, a sharp stabbing pain that sent waves of agony through his barrel. “Before all of this is over, your strength as a pegasus will be tested. Are you prepared to soar?” Shadow Noctilucent questioned. “You’ve seen how this ends already.” “I don’t understand,” Noctilucent whispered fearfully. “You will,” Shadow Noctilucent said as he turned and then kicked Noctilucent over the cliff. “Fly damn you! Fly!” Flapping, feeling sudden pain, Noctilucent found that he could not fly, his wing was now broken in his dreaming state. He flapped and fluttered, still fighting, now struggling through the agony of making his wing move. The world around him shifted, for a moment it was daylight, and he saw a city, but it wasn’t Canterlot. There was a foal held in his forelegs, the body felt cold, nearly lifeless. His wing didn’t want to work… panic overtook him. And then it was dark again, the stars were overhead once more, and Canterlot was off in the distance. The foal in his embrace was gone. The ground was rushing up to greet him. “NO!” Noctilucent shouted, forcing his broken wing to work. Snarling in triumph, Noctilucent soared.