//------------------------------// // Chapter 3 // Story: The Cosby Show: Pudding is Magic // by neutralmilk //------------------------------// The Cosby Show: Pudding is Magic Chapter 3 Twilight Sparkle woke slowly. The warm sun shone through the massive window by her bed, golden rays falling across her face and warming her entire body. She smiled gleefully and let out a deep breath, enjoying the blissful sensation of Celestia’s sun. She stretched and crossed her hooves behind her head; her eyes remained closed. Birds chirped softly from a tree branch that hung just outside the window. Twilight began to imagine how the birds looked, hopping around in their nests and feeding their tiny hatchlings. Their soft peeping made Twilight grin even wider. She was sure that the mama bird had just found a fabulous meal of worms or some other insects to feed the tiny chicks. Maybe today they’ll start flying! Twilight thought suddenly. Oh, that will be so cute! Maybe I can get Fluttershy over here. If only I didn’t have those papers… The smile disappeared from her face. Her friendship reports to Princess Celestia! How could she have forgotten?! Her heart began racing as she tried to remember everything she’d learned about friendship recently. But every time she remembered something, the chirping from outside and the sun’s warmth emptied her head. She sighed heavily. Well… Twilight thought. Maybe one day off won’t kill me. The girls are always telling me to relax. The smile returned to her face. Maybe I could rearrange my schedule a bit... “Spike!” she called out to her assistant, her eyes still closed. She waited for a minute but didn’t hear anything but the birds chirping. “Spike!” she screamed again, listening for any sort of movement. She couldn’t hear him stirring downstairs in the foyer and didn’t hear him snoring in his bed. “Ughhh…” she growled. “Fine. I’ll get it myself.” Twilight removed her hooves from behind her head and slowly opened her eyes. “Azoopidy boopidy hoofaw!” Bill Cosby stood leaning over her, his nose centimeters away from hers. She shrieked, rolling over to fall to the floor with a painful thump. She gazed up, panting. “What are you doing!?” she asked between gasps. “Why were you watching… Wait a second. Where’s Spike?” Bill Cosby reeled back and stood up tall. He placed a finger to his mouth as if in thought and began to pace around the room. Twilight’s eyes followed him as she rubbed a hoof against her forehead. Suddenly, Cosby stopped and lit up, a large smile on his face. “You know where he is?” Twilight asked him, surprised by his apparent knowledge and lack of goofy jokes. Bill Cosby frowned in confusion. “Ah who’s Spike, Highlight Sparkle?” “It’s Twilight. Twilight!” she responded, trying to remain calm. “And Spike is a small, purple dragon.” Bill Cosby stood still and thought about it for a minute, finally giving up and shrugging at the purple unicorn. “He lives here?” she offered. “You know, the purple dragon with green spikes on his back?” Cosby looked even more confused than before. “Oh Celestia… You called him Chub-Chub.” Bill Cosby lit up. “Oh, you mean ah little Chub-Chub Winkletons! That kid said the darndest things.” He chuckled softly to himself. “What are you talking about?” Twilight stared at him, dumbfounded. He was too lost in his own memories to pay attention and merely continued chuckling. She sighed and trotted by, headed downstairs in search of her assistant. “Spike!” she called out, hoping desperately to hear him so that she was not alone with Bill Cosby. “Spike!? Where are you?” She walked around the library, searching every nook and cranny for her assistant, but found nothing. She returned to the foyer and noticed a small note left on the desk: Dear Twilight, I can’t take it anymore! That human (?) is nuts! Last night he kept asking me weird questions about what I want to be when I grew up, and if I could be any character from a foals story, which would I be. Later he tried fitting me for a sweater! I DON’T WANT A SWEATER! I have decided to take my vacation a little early this year. If you need me, I’ll be in Fillydelphia. Good Luck. -Spike “You scared my assistant off?” she asked to Bill Cosby who had begun to descend the stairs into the foyer. Bill Cosby smiled in response, remaining completely silent. “How am I supposed to get work done without him!?” she yelled. “And what’s for breakfast, mhm?” he asked, finally, ignoring her ranting entirely. “Jell-O Pudding? Ah like it on ma waffles.” Twilight stared back at him, completely baffled. “Are you serious? What in Celestia’s name are you even saying?” She could feel rage boiling up inside of her, but her utter confusion prevented her from lashing out. “Do you even listen to yourself speak?” “When `ah was a kid in North Philadelphia, `ah had a friend called Mushmouth.” Bill Cosby said finally. “And he used to talk jus’ like this.” His face suddenly scrunched up and he stuck his lips out in a massive pucker. In an instant, his chin was gone, hidden under the rolls in his neck. “Hubi, hubow ubare yubou!” Twilight felt something inside of her snap, as Bill Cosby continued to babble incoherently. Her heart began to race faster and faster with each syllable that passed his lips as he transitioned between topics to prattle on about entirely at random. “…and he had a funny laugh like: ‘HYA! HYA! HYA! HYA!’ and his dad was like: ‘Son, I’m gonna smack your face off!” She tried to resist with all of her might but soon found her body shivering with rage. “…and the problem with bathing in the toilet bowl is that the water’s cold!” Twilight finally snapped and began screaming things at Bill Cosby she never thought possible. The sheer power behind her voice was enough to quiet Bill Cosby, who stood before her, smiling as usual. In her tirade, however, she didn’t happen to hear Pinkie Pie walk into the library, several invitations to a party in her hoof. “What are you doing!?” Pinkie Pie asked, taken aback by Twilight’s fit. Twilight turned to face her pink friend, panting. “Uh….” Think, Twilight. Think! “I was, uh, telling him how much I like… his mane?” She put on a sheepish smile and waited for Pinkie Pie to respond. Pinkie trotted around Twilight cautiously, eying her intently. Her expression suddenly lightened. “Okie dokie loki!” Twilight sighed in relief. “Well, I came here to give you two these!” Pinkie extended two invitations to Bill Cosby and Twilight, who took them both. “’You are cordially invited to: Bill Cosby’s Super Wondrifical Friendship Welcoming Party Extravaganza on Friday?’” she read aloud. Bill Cosby stood in his spot, still smiling pointlessly at the two ponies. “It’s gonna be so much fun!” Pinkie squealed in excitement, jumping up and down. “There’s gonna be balloons and cake and punch and pin-the-tail-on-the-pony and did I mention the cake!? It’s a twenty-five decker vanilla mambo with Chocoholic Creamblast icing!” She began salivating at the thought of the masterfully crafted cake that sat half-finished in Sugarcube Corner. “It sounds…” Twilight began. “It’s going to be the best party ever! And it’s all for Bill Cosby.” Pinkie Pie rushed Bill and wrapped her forelegs around him, tightly. “I love you Bill.” “`Ah love you too, cotton candy.” He replied, stroking his fingers through her curly pink mane. She giggled lightly at the feeling of his touch and his sweater and let him go. “Uh, Pinkie, I have to talk to you.” Twilight said, pulling her away from Bill Cosby. He straightened his cacophonous sweater and lumbered away into the kitchen, no doubt in search for pudding. “Ok! What do you wanna talk about? Is it Bill? Please tell me it’s Bill!” “Well, actually it is…” “He’s so funny! Don’t you think so?” Pinkie interrupted, giving Twilight a wide grin. “Well… about that…” Twilight watched Pinkie’s smile fade into a frown. “You don’t like him, do you?” she asked the purple unicorn. She sighed and nodded her head, solemnly. “So you do like him!” The smile shot back onto Pinkie Pie’s face. “Aw good! I thought you didn’t! That would be crazy! He’s soooo funny, I wish I could tell jokes like him! My Granny Pie used to be like-” “Pinkie!” Twilight said loudly, silencing the party pony. Pinkie’s face remained frozen in mid-sentence as she waited for Twilight to continue. “I don’t like Bill Cosby.” “But, how can you not love a face like that!” Pinkie Pie pointed a hoof at Bill Cosby, who was searching through various drawers and tossing aside pots and pans. At that moment he turned to face the ponies, twisting his face to the point that his mouth practically migrated to his chin. His eyes were almost fully rolled back into his head. Twilight shuddered and turned back to her friend. “I don’t know, he’s just so… so…” she racked her brain for a proper word to describe Bill Cosby and his bizarre brand of “humor,” but nothing came to mind. “So… Cosby-ish.” “Hm. Hm.” Pinkie Pie nodded, a stern look adorning her face. “Then why not let him stay with me?” “I wish, Pinkie. But Princess Celestia has asked me to house him. And as her most faithful student, I can do nothing but oblige.” Twilight responded, clearly disappointed. “Okie dokie then! Well, I need to go plan Bill Cosby’s party! I only have five more days!” Pinkie Pie galloped to Bill Cosby and hugged him once more, giggling softly as she did so, and left the library. Twilight turned to the kitchen and eyed the mess Bill had made. She sighed and slowly trotted into the room, her hooves dragging behind her. “C’mon. Let’s get this cleaned up and make some breakfast…” “Can we make toast, a shoopidy zim zam flibbidy?” “….fine.” After her breakfast of toast, pudding, waffles, and hayseeds (the hayseeds were the only thing she managed to eat), Twilight Sparkle began conducting her usual research, entirely abandoning her previous sentiments of having a relaxing day off. She had hoped, desperately, that the research could free her mind from the sweater bearing nuisance. While she sat at a table in the foyer, Bill Cosby frolicked around the library. He grabbed randomly at the books and made quiet “abippidy shoopidy flim flam zoop” noises randomly, a large smile adorning his face. “Shhh! Can’t you see I’m working?!” Twilight hissed at him. She had been researching a new spell for several hours and was finally near completing it. Bill derped his face and ran upstairs, leaving Twilight alone in the foyer. She sighed contentedly and returned to her studies. “Ok…” she continued, reading aloud to herself. “This spell can only be used once, blah blah blabbity blah… Can only allow one creature either enter or exit the desired location before the portal closes…” Twilight’s eyes continued scanning the page of the inter-dimensional transportation spell. “And it only works when shot directly at the person or object you desire to teleport. Wow, this is all really convenient…” She shrugged it off and closed the book with a loud thud, dust flying from the cover and into the air. She began to clear the table and levitated the books back to their designated position on the shelves. In a snap, the table teleported over to the far side of the room. Twilight smiled. Everything was ready. “Bill?” she called kindly up the stairs. He didn’t respond. “Bill?” She called his name once again, hoping he would at least pop his head into view. However, he remained unaccounted for. “Where is he…” Twilight trotted up the stairs and found no evidence of Bill Cosby. She decided to prepare the spell regardless of his absence, just in case she had to cast it quickly. After quickly rereading the spell, her horn began to glow softly as she drew upon her magical reserves. Her eyes shifted around nervously. Fear that her spell would miss Bill Cosby washed over her. Quietly, she trotted around the library in search of Bill. She re-checked upstairs by her and Spike’s bed, but to no avail. The next room was the kitchen, which was still coated in waffle batter. A mountain of empty pudding cups piled out of the garbage can on the far side of the room. However, there was no Bill Cosby. Twilight sighed and left the room, trotting up to the doorway that led into her basement. She looked at the splintery wooden door in front of her and noticed that it was locked on the outside, indicating no one had entered it recently. Twilight glanced around at her surroundings, hoping that maybe Bill Cosby was somewhere that she may have missed. However, he was nowhere in sight. She could feel her horn tingle as she worked to harness the sheer power of the teleportation spell. Confused and growing increasingly concerned, Twilight brought a hoof to her face and began to ponder Bill’s whereabouts. “`Ah here `ah am, Midnight Sparkle!” Suddenly, something pressed into her side, causing her to jump into the air and scream loudly. She turned around to find that Bill Cosby had, in fact, been standing behind her the entire time, making a strange face in which his cheeks were puffed up and beet red. The fright caused her to release the massive amount of magical energy that she held in her horn. A beam of light shot past Bill Cosby’s head, narrowly missing him and instead hitting the wall. Twilight stared at Bill Cosby, her mouth hanging wide open. He stared back, smiling widely. “Y-y-you! What did you do! My spell!” she stuttered at him. Bill Cosby grinned back at her. “A zip zop zoopidy!” he turned and ran away from her as fast as he possibly could. “Get back here!” Twilight cried, galloping after him. She gritted her teeth to the point where she felt a fine powder in her mouth. Bill sprinted out of the library, splurting out random noises with each step, and headed into Ponyville. “Come back here!” Twilight was in hot pursuit, screaming loudly. She dashed from her home, slamming the door shut behind her. She quickly scanned the town to find Bill Cosby standing at a corner, dancing awkwardly. “Gotcha.” Twilight reared up and galloped full speed at him. He noticed her and began to comically waddle away. “That’ll be five bits, Lyra.” Roseluck chirped, hoofing over a dozen of her finest roses to the aquamarine unicorn. “I’m sure Bon-Bon will love them.” “Thanks a ton!” Lyra dropped the golden coins on the counter and smiled. “You know… Rose? What’s wrong?” Her friend seemed to stare right past her, a scared, confused look crossing her face. Lyra turned to find a bipedal creature sprinting down the road toward them. “Sweet Celestia… A human!” She felt tears of joy well up in her eyes as Bill Cosby barreled toward them, a goofy grin pervading his face. “He’s coming right for us! The horror!” Roseluck melodramatically brought a hoof to her forehead and prepared for the worst. However, at the last possible moment, Bill shot high into the air and landed on the other side of the vendor stand. He stuck the landing and continued running. “He’s…. beautiful!” Lyra began to weep openly into her hooves. “Coming through!” Lyra looked up to find Twilight Sparkle also heading straight for the stall. She began to turn, but instead tripped on a rock and tumbled straight into Roseluck and Lyra. Twilight blushed embarrassedly and rose to her hooves. After sidestepping the flower stand, she continued galloping after Bill Cosby. With each passing second, Bill got further and further away from Twilight. She stopped in her tracks and watched his direction. Her horn began to glow white as she disappeared and teleported in front of him. “Stop!” She stuck out a hoof out at him and tried to make herself look strong. She only succeeded in looking more adorkable than usual. “Awww, look at the purple pony!” Bill Cosby ran at her even faster, sticking out his arms for a hug. Twilight turned in horror and began to flee, but he was too fast. He bowled right through her, sending her spinning. By the time Twilight regained her balance, Bill Cosby was nowhere to be seen and the streets were empty. “This isn’t good…” she muttered to herself, rubbing a hoof on her forehead to wipe the sweat that was dripping down her face. “Twilight Sparkle!” an angry, yet familiar voice boomed. She turned to find Princess Celestia standing before her, Bill Cosby leaning against her side. “Princess? What are you doing here?” Twilight asked, shock falling across her face. “I felt a surge in magical energy coming from Ponyville. I know you are the only unicorn here in Ponyville that has the potential to harness such a powerful spell. Now the only question that remains is: what spell did you use?” “I… uh…” Twilight began to panic. “I used a…” She glanced around at her surroundings, hoping for some inspiration. Her eyes set themselves upon a nearby hat shop. “I used a hat spell… for… hats?” she lied, throwing on a sheepish grin. “A hat spell for hats. Do you expect me to believe such nonsense?” Celestia lowered herself to her student’s level and looked into her purple eyes. “Twilight, you are my most faithful student. I do believe that we are close enough for you to tell me the truth.” The purple unicorn sighed and gazed back at her mentor. “I tried using an inter-dimensional teleportation spell to send Bill Cosby back to Earth. But he scared me and I missed him.” “Gasp! Bill Cosby? Why would you want to send him back to Earth!?” The Princess cried in shock. “Well, he’s just… I don’t know… annoying. And weird.” “Well that’s because he’s a creature different than us. He’s a human! And I’m sure you can respect that he has a background and culture far different from our own. I’m very disappointed in you, Twilight Sparkle. I thought that you of all ponies would be accepting somepony different. Especially after that incident with Zecora.” “But, he’s got more in common with Pinkie Pie! Can’t he stay with her instead of at my house?” Twilight pleaded her mentor. “I’m sorry, Twilight. But I cannot go back on my proclamations just like that. If you didn’t want him to stay at your house, you should have brought it up when I first asked you to take him in.” Princess Celestia turned abruptly and began to trot away from Bill and Twilight and toward her carriage. The Royal Guards noticed her and unfurled their wings, preparing for takeoff. “But I was screaming! I thought it was obvious I didn’t want him to stay with me!” Twilight called after Celestia. “Oh that?” Celestia asked, carefully seating herself in the carriage. “I thought they were screams of excitement.” She put on a trollface and in an instant, shot into the sky back to Canterlot. Twilight stared at the carriage as it faded in the horizon. Her jaw hung open as she attempted to comprehend what had just happened. Suddenly, she heard a noise above her and a scroll dropped onto her head and fell to the ground. She opened it and read aloud. “Dearest Twilight, While Bill Cosby will still live in your house, each day he is to spend time with one of your friends so that he can learn the power of friendship, something you appear to have forgotten. Signed: Princess… Trollestia?” Twilight dropped the scroll to the ground once again and turned to Bill Cosby, who was still waving at the air, even though Princess Celestia was long gone. He turned to face Twilight. “Ya see, this reminds me of Jell-O Pudding.” He concluded. Suddenly, he looked confused. “Actually, it reminds me of Kodak film. Or was it Coca Cola?” Bill rubbed a hand against his chin, deep in thought and began blathering on about other things the situation reminded him of. Twilight sighed heavily and turned away from the human clad in his disastrous sweater. She began a long, slow walk back to her library, her home, knowing full well that her super wonderful happy time friendship adventures with Bill Cosby were only just beginning. EPILOGUE: *During the chase scene* “Get back here!” Twilight slammed the library door shut, a loud bang echoing through the now vacant library. All was still, except for the wall Twilight had accidentally cast the spell upon. A small purple spiral appeared out of the center and began to expand exponentially, until it reached from ceiling to floor. From the depths of the spiraling abyss, a man stepped through the portal into Equestria. Am evil man. A hairy beast of a man. One whose sinister comic genius can only rival Bill Cosby’s purity. Robin Williams.