Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of?

by Bucking Nonsense


Throwing You At A Mountain? Do I Look Like The Kind Of Guy Who'd Do That?! Wait, Don't Answer That!

Discord, once you get to know him, is a pretty great guy.
I mean, he might look like a bizarre hodgepodge of creatures, all mixed together into one incredible super-freak of awesomeness, but he has a great sense of humor. The fact that he sounds exactly like John De Lancie makes him even more fun to have around. Just, uh, don't let him have too much of the poko. Phenomenal cosmic power plus a lack of inhibitions does not end well. Anyone who was at the bachelor party can testify to that.
Ah, but I digress.
Discord and I decided to hold an information trading session in the throne room. I was, at first, a little worried by the fact that he had admitted he had been sent here as a spy, and to capture me if possible. Wouldn't you be? I mean, Discord was able to transform into Godzilla: How powerful must his master be, to be able to keep him on retainer? However, Discord was able to put my fears to rest. His mission, first and foremost, was to gather info. Capturing Tirek had been a secondary objective, and he knew I wasn't Tirek: Tirek was nowhere near as polite or sociable as I was. I got the feeling that there were things that he wasn't telling me about the magic-stealing asshat, but I was willing to let the matter slide. Given that Discord had been attacking me immediately upon his arrival, rather than sneaking around and spying like he was supposed to, I suspected that the two of them were not the best of friends.
The two of us sat at a table, brought in for the specific purpose of our meeting. Commander Ash and the rest of the changelings seemed to view me with something akin to religious awe now: I'd just gone toe to toe, or maybe hoof to whichever leg Discord would step forward with, with someone who could transform into Godzilla. And not only had I survived, it had seemed, to those who had been watching from the hive, that I had won. Hey, if you watched Joe Louis challenge Cthulhu to a boxing match, and saw him knock the abomination out without breaking a sweat, you'd probably start worshiping him, yourself.
I keep coming back to the 'Discord transformed into Godzilla' thing, don't I? Sorry. I'll try to keep that under control.
GODZILLA GODZILLA GODZILLA GODZILLA GODZILLA GODZILLA!!! Okay, it's out of my system now. Back to the meeting.
I steepled my fingers together, and said, "What would you like to know, first?"
Discord snapped his fingers, and conjured from nowhere a cup of tea, complete with a little saucer, then took a sip. After a moment, he asked, "So, why are you Lord Tirek?"
Shrugging, I said, "Beats the hell out of me." After a moment, I added, "The last thing I remember is standing on a street corner, waiting for the traffic light to change. This little kid and his mother come over to wait, too. The kid was bouncing a ball up and down..."
Raising an eyebrow, Discord asked, "Really? Was the child's mother an idiot?"
With a snort, I admitted, "I was thinking the same thing, myself. Thing is, I think that she just wasn't thinking about it. Maybe she was afraid of making her boy cry if she took the ball away. Either way, while the mother couldn't see what would happen, I could. When the ball slipped from his grasp, and he started dashing after it, I grabbed the kid's collar, spun, and threw him into his mother's arms. It was a pretty tight maneuver, if I do say so myself, except..."
Discord, with a chuckle, asked, "You slipped?"
"Exactly," I replied with a chuckle of my own. "Not sure what I slipped on, but yes, I slipped, big time. I fell right into oncoming traffic, namely a multi-ton semi truck going way too fast to be sane... or survivable. After that? Next thing I can remember clearly is waking up in a forest clearing, with a changeling in my face. From there, things started getting crazy..."
"So that's how it happened," a feminine and familiar voice said with a surprising little giggle. I turned to see Skyflower walking in, a changeling I didn't immediately recognize walking behind her, carrying a bucket of soapy water. The name tag she wore (I later learned that those were a gift from Cheese Sandwich. A professional party planner should always have a stack of blank name tags available, in case of emergency) proclaimed her to be named 'Leni'.
Behind them, the commander walked in, carrying three chairs on his back. I did a double take when I saw that: Sometimes I forget just how strong the residents of this world can be, in spite of their somewhat smallish stature. An adult stallion in excellent physical shape can tow a house, I'm told. I'd pay good money to see that.
As the commander began placing chairs, he said, "I suspected that you were not the real Tirek for some time." At my shocked expression, Ash chuckled, then said, "Forgive my saying so, sir, but you would make an awful poker player. You wear your emotions on your sleeve. As soon as I witnessed your reaction to the queen's undoing, I knew that you were not Lord Tirek, or at least, not the one that Equestria knows." After he finished placing chairs, he added, "However, I simply suspected that you were a member of the same species, rather than someone else in Tirek's body."
"You seem to be taking this revelation surprisingly well, Ash," I noted with something like shock. I'm sorry, but in a way, this case of mistaken identity had been something akin to a fig leaf: It was just about the only defense that I'd had in this crazy mixed up world I'd found myself in. Now I stood naked under the view of the entire world...
With a shrug, he said, "This is Equestria, milord. Forgive my language, but crazy dung happens here every single day. The fact that you're 'riding' Lord Tirek's body isn't even the craziest thing to happen this week."
With a giggle, Skyflower added, "What he said." Strange, she was sober, yet she had not reverted to her 'spoiled aristocratic brat' behavior as I had expected her to. I was beginning to wonder whether the way she was acting at the start of all this was her true self, or just a persona she'd taken on while she was playing the role of commanding officer. Hell, maybe I just caught her on a bad day? It was hard to say.
Clearing my throat, I said, "And yet, you and your people chose me to be your leader."
Smiling, the commander said, "Thank you, milord."
Confused, I asked, "What for?"
Clearing his throat, the commander said, "For calling us 'people'. Most 'people' just call us pests, bothersome insests to be swatted away. You... may not realize this, but changelings are not a race welcomed with open arms in most places... or any place at all, really. That is the main reason the changelings have spent their existence in the shadows. Our queen, in her own demented way, might have been trying to change things, but if so, her method would have changed us from pests into monsters, to be hunted down and exterminated." He paused, then said, "But you..." Ash stopped, seeming to be at a loss for words. It is a strange thing, seeing a changeling all choked up...
"You treated us better than even our own queendid," Leni said, picking up the slack. "You called us people. You gave us names. You taught us a way to fend for ourselves without hurting or deceiving others. Without a queen, we would normally be a boat without a rudder, adrift without direction or guidance. Without hesitation, you gave all of that to us, and much, much more. You gave all of us hope for a tomorrow that might be better than today! And you did all of that after drinking enough poko to drop a dragon! We all look forward to what you can do, now that you're sober again!"
Discord burst out laughing at that last part, as did Skyflower. I admit, I gave a few embarrassed chuckles myself. But in a way, I was slightly unnerved by their praise. Honestly, what all had I done since I arrived here? I'd had an indirect role in defeating the queen, yes, but that was mostly a ploy by Ash, meant to get her to reveal her misdeeds to the hive. All that I personally had accomplished within the last twenty-four hours was mock a military official in front of her troops, nearly get myself killed by refusing the demands of a deranged tyrant, then got drunk, and started doing a number of random, crazy things... and the changelings loved me for it.
...And I was completely at a loss in regards to where we should go from here.
My degree was in structural engineering, remember? It wasn't in management, or in politics. I know how to build things, not how to lead people or forge nations...
But then again...
A smile came to my face. All the changelings really needed was a direction, right now. They'd been without a queen before, right? They knew, for the most part, how to get by, even without a sustainable love supply. What they wanted, though, was more that getting by. They needed someone with a vision, not a plan. In my drunken eloquence last night, I had touched upon something that the changelings had secretly desired for a long time: Civilization. That's a pretty long-term project, but I had a good idea of where to start...
"Well, that's a scheming face if I've ever seen one," Discord said with a chuckle, breaking me out of my reverie.
With a chuckle of my own, I said, "I'm not scheming, I'm planning. Huge difference." Turning towards the commander, I said, "If you could please have someone fetch some paper and a pen, if you have them available? I have a few ideas I'd like to jot down while they're fresh in my mind."
Ash saluted, then rose, walked to the doorway. As he did so, I turned towards Discord, saying, "I hope you don't mind if I work while we talk...?"
My train of thought was interrupted by the fact that there were now two Discords, sitting side by side. With a smile, he/they said, "Oh, don't worry, I understand completely. I'm all about multitasking."
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Meanwhile, at Canterlot Palace...
Celestia watched the proceedings with interest. When Discord, or perhaps just a copy of him, appeared in her throne room with urgent news, she'd been worried. Now, however, she was... curious. Intensely curious.
As the Discord clone used a movie projector to display the proceedings in real time, she ruminated upon this strange development. So, while it may be Tirek's body, it was this... 'Conrad' who was in control. He seemed pleasant enough, she supposed, all things considered, but the description of the event he said led him to his current state implied that his original body was likely dead. A pity, that. More importantly, there were none of the signs that might imply that two minds inhabited a single body. Usually, in such cases, there would be a visible struggle for control from time to time, especially between two individuals of such spectacularly different personalities. That being said, if the true Tirek's essence wasn't there, then where was he?
And who had arranged all of this in the first place? Who could pull a spirit from the ether, separate Tirek's essence from his body, attach 'Conrad' to it in the owner's absence, and then provide the formerly drained 'Tirek' with enough magical power that he stood above all other creatures, except perhaps herself? There were only perhaps a dozen wizards in the known history of the world who could do all of that, and all of them had passed centuries ago. Twilight Sparkle might one day gain enough strength and control to manage such a masterful combination of spells, but that would require decades of study. As it was, Twilight still managed to sometimes make mistakes with even extremely basic spells. Of course, Starswirl the Bearded himself would sometimes make an error from time to time, but...
Of course. There could still be one wizard who could perform all of those spells. No one had ever confirmed his passing, after all...
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"...and after that, both of them fell asleep, snoring so loudly it rattled the entire hive!"
Discord burst out laughing again, holding his sides and nearly falling out of his chair in glee. Skyflower was blushing almost incandescently red now, and I admit, I was a little bit embarrassed myself. Unlike the after action report, Leni had spared no details in relaying what had happened last night, and had not hesitated to give her own theories as to what might happen if we'd actually... consummated our union. I swear, I'll never look at a water balloon the same way again. Ewww...
I'd not actually given much thought about what the... size difference between my current state and others would mean regarding romantic prospects. I mean, I was new in a world where almost every creature walked on four legs. Let me remind you that, as a human, I was raised under the whole 'Two Legs Good, Four Legs Bad' dating philosophy. But one has to wonder where that mindset stands on a planet where everyone, including yourself, is a quadruped, sapient, and able to give verbal and even written consent to the act beforehand. Normally, I wouldn't be considering these things, but I was now married, and my wife...
That was another thing. I had expected Skyflower to have been raising hell by this time, demanding a divorce and/or my Rod of Lordly Might on a silver platter with a side of fava beans. Instead, she seemed almost painfully cheerful. I had a sneaking suspicion that she was hiding something while our guest was here. Too much was failing to add up right now...
But, while my mind was a congested mess of worries and concerns, my hands were busy sketching. It was just an idea, just the rough draft of a rough draft really, but as my quill danced upon the parchment, it was already becoming something more...
Ash, I saw out of the corner of my eye, was watching my work with a combination of awe and disbelief. I don't know if he really understood then what it was that I was designing yet, but he was starting to get an inkling of its scale...
There's so much you can do with a masters in structural engineering, and the discipline has been around for a long, long time. The designers of the great monuments, palaces, fortresses, and cathedrals of the world had to understand at least the basics of the art (And yes, it can be just as much an art as a science) in order to create the things that they had. Everything from the Great Pyramids to the Eiffel Tower, from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Statue of Liberty, from skyscrapers to apartment complexes, only stood because someone, somewhere, knew how to build things that didn't collapse in on themselves, no matter what.
I was creating a city, one building at a time. I was designing an Emerald City, to match the palace that I currently occupied. I'd need to put my head together with Ash and whoever was in charge of originally designing the palace, so I could work out just how long it would take to generate the green changeling 'crystal' necessary to craft it, but there, at that table, I was drawing the blueprints of the future...
"My goodness," I heard Skyflower whisper quietly, looking at my designs with an expression of awe. "When you think big, you think big..."
"Is that what I think it is?" Ash asked, his expression one of pure disbelief.
"It's the plans for a city," I admitted, as I finished the latest sketch. "I recall you saying to the queen, before the hive... dethroned her, that there had been a ban on egg hatchings, right?"
Ash nodded, then said, "Aye, milord. Changeling eggs, once laid, can last for... well, legends say for centuries, but we don't allow eggs to sit idle for that long. They won't hatch, however, until given enough love to 'prime' them. We've... not officially lifted the ban yet, but the end is in sight."
Smiling, I gestured towards the designs on the desk. "That, combined with the fact that you'll no longer be constrained by an extremely limited food supply, means that you'll be experiencing a monumental population explosion soon. Long story short, you're going to need to expand, or this palace will be full to the point of bursting in the near future. So, I'm designing a city where you and your descendants can live."
Leni, her eyes wide, whispered, "A city for changlings..." The way she said it, it almost sounded like I'd just proposed to put a changeling on the moon, or to colonize Mars...
"A city," I said, putting the final touches on a design for a gateway into the city, "for everyone." At her surprised expression, I explained, "You can't lock out the world. It's been tried. It doesn't work. You have to let the world in, or it will start banging on your doors, demanding entry. And believe me, the world can bang hard and loud." Smiling, I added, "But yes, this will be the first city built by changelings, for changelings to live in." With a final flourish, I put a sign over the gateway. A welcome sign. On it were three simple words...
"Welcome To Oz!"
Well, I designed it, I figured that I should be the one to name it. What would you name an Emerald City? Seattle? Besides, as long as you were referencing the book and not the movie, the name Oz was public domain. Yes, really. I looked it up myself one day while I was bored. Trivia monster, remember?
"It's audacious," Discord said with a low whistle. Smiling, he added, "I like it!"
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The meeting dragged on for a while longer, as Discord, Ash, Leni, Skyflower, and I discussed things. I was beginning to get the impression that Discord might be relaying the details of this discussion to whoever he actually answered to. Well, that was his business. Honestly, I didn't have anything to hide, and neither did the changelings.
I think that, of everyone present, Skyflower had the hardest time adjusting to how things were turning out. Strange as it may sound, but she seemed to have a rather... old fashioned mindset. I chalked that up to having an aristocratic background: Most aristocrats I've heard of tend to be pretty conservative...
As the sun began to set, Discord stood, stretched, and said, "Well, this has certainly been an enlightening experience. Not at all how I expected this day to go, honestly. Still, I have always loved surprises, whether they're for me or for someone else." He extended a hand, smiling. "But I am sorry to say I must be going."
I took it and shook it, and said, "It's been a pleasure having you here, in spite of the rocky start. Feel free to come visit us again."
Laughing, Discord said, "You know, most people hesitate before extending that offer to me. I may take you up on it soon." After the handshake was done, he said, "But I must be off. TTFN: Ta ta for now!" With that, he snapped his fingers, and vanished.
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Back in Canterlot...
Celestia blinked, surprised to see Discord levitating over her head in a position of relaxation in her throne room. Yawning, he asked, "Well, I liked him, and that's not something that I say lightly, especially after losing an impromptu boxing match. What did you think of him, Celestia?"
Her expression thoughtful, Princess Celestia said, "I think it might be the start of something grand. He's begun planning an operation at a scale that dwarfs anything done since the construction of Canterlot itself. Even if he has to tone things down to match the realities of the resources available, I expect that 'Oz' will be something to see, once it is completed. I will be watching how things proceed with great interest." Her expression turned more... worried, as she added, "But now, a very serious matter has come to my attention, one that I may soon need your assistance with. I do apologize for having another urgent mission so soon, but..."
Discord rolled his eyes, then said, sarcastically, "Right, right, no rest for the reformed. What is it this time? Has King Sombra risen from his grave?"
With a sad, weary laugh, Celestia asked, "However did you guess?"
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Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location...
It had taken time to pull his physical form back together, but he had not minded. After all, he was not the type to rush. Instead, he preferred a slow yet steady inevitability, like the tides, or like an oncoming storm, back in the days before the accursed pegasai began tinkering with the weather.
Hatred and fear were his milk and honey, and his hatred of all those outside of his species, and for those of his species who betrayed their own kind by... mingling their pure blood with that of the lesser races, was more than enough to revitalize his fractured form. It wouldn't be enough for a true resurrection, not yet. That would require an... offering, at a particular place, and at a particular time. However, he already knew just the pony to offer in order to finalize his return...
In the meantime, he was little more than a corpse, controlled purely through force of will. However, will was something that this stallion had in abundance.
A terrible smile crossed his slowly reforming face. It would be good to... finish things with the last remaining member of his bloodline. From there, Sombra would be moving on to bigger and better things... like the subjugation of all the non-unicorn races in the world.
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"So, what's the deal with that bucket of soapy water?"
I admit, I had been curious about that bucket when I first saw it, but circumstances had prevented me from asking earlier. If it had been something she'd wanted to discuss in front of Discord, I assumed that she would mentioned it before now.
Skyflower looked a little sheepish as she replied, "There's something I needed to show you, since we're... married now." She'd hesitated on that last part, as if she was a little uncertain about it. Admittedly, I was uncertain about it, myself, but I wasn't willing yet to start that particular discussion yet. Picking up the bucket, she overturned it, spilling the contents over herself. The water, I now noticed, had a... lemony scent to it.
At my surprised expression, she said, "It doesn't come off unless I wash with soapy water with a twist of lemon. It makes it easy to remove when I need it to, but keeps it from coming off on accident."
I was about to ask her what she meant, when I saw her colors starting to... fade. Her florescent pink coat began to turn to grey, while her blonde mane turned pitch black. Popping herself on the back of the head with her hoof, she knocked a pair of contacts out, revealing the color of her eyes to be red, instead of blue. Her mark (I refuse to call it a Cutie Mark) remained a depiction of a fireworks explosion, and the rest of her body remained unchanged. Still, the difference between the way she looked then, and how she looked now was... striking. What can I say: I like brunettes.
"So... you dye your mane and coat? And changed your eye color?" I didn't see the reason for the drama, but I did notice that Ash had suddenly tensed, and Leni was looking at Skyflower with a look of shock that might otherwise have been comical.
"You really don't know," Skyflower said with a tone of disbelief. With a small giggle, she said, "Yes, I do, Conrad. See, I... share my color pattern with my uncle. He was a very bad pony, who did some very terrible things. So many that I, um, have been trying very hard to keep my relation to him a secret. There's not really a point to doing that now, though."
I still wasn't getting it. Ash, though, asked, "How in the world are you even still alive? You'd have to be over a thousand years old!"
Turning towards the commander, Skyflower said, "When my uncle launched his one-pony war on the world, I... tried to dissuade him from his course of action. Since I was the only family he had left, I thought that I'd have a better chance than anypony else to stop him. I... failed. We argued, and when he lost his temper, my uncle locked me in a cage in the basement of the Crystal Palace. After the Crystal Empire returned, a thousand years later... well, I nearly starved to death before anyone found me. After I recovered, I... well, it's a complicated story after that..."
Okay, now I was thoroughly lost. "I'm sorry," I said, a little annoyed, "but would one of you mind explaining all of this to the guy who doesn't know what the fuck is going on?"
Skyflower looked a little embarrassed, seeming to have difficulty reconciling the fact that I was completely uninformed about Equestrian history, but Ash took the initiative and explained. "My lord, I apologize. What she was trying to reveal to you was that she is a blood relative to a pony known as King Sombra. He is, or perhaps was, one of the most hated, vile, and despicable villains that the world has ever seen. His cruelties are the stuff of legend. A thousand years ago, he conquered the Crystal Empire single-hooved. When the rulers of Equestria rose against him and used their combined magical powers to seal him away, he responded by banishing the city from space and time for a thousand years. When it finally returned, after Sombra escaped his bondage, he tried to retake the city, but was destroyed."
With a weak laugh, Skyflower said, "Of course, my uncle wasn't the kind of pony to let a little thing like death slow him down. He was extremely powerful, and he had... views about unicorns who had relationships with anything other than another pure blooded unicorn. It was... well, back then, the alliance of unicorn, pegasus, and earth pony was but a few decades old, and some nobleponies still thought the coalition an abomination. My uncle was the same, but more extreme and violent about those views than most. He swore that he'd hunt me down and kill me if I ever even kissed someone who didn't match his impossibly high standards... along with anyone who tried to stop him, my paramour included."
Raising an eyebrow, I asked, "So, your uncle is a racist, no, wait, a speciest evil unicorn wizard who is likely to come back as a vengeful lich with the intention of killing you because you married a centaur?"
Nodding, the mare said, "That about sums it up, Conrad. Yes."
Rolling my eyes, I said, "I would say that this world could not possibly be any more bizarre, but I just met Discord earlier today. This is actually a step back towards normalcy, honestly. Still, I have to admit, this situation is getting a little ridiculous." With a snort, I added, "You don't happen to have seven evil ex-boyfriends that I'll need to deal with at the same time, do you? If you do, go ahead and say so. I won't get angry, I promise. We're married now, so it's best to get all of this stuff out of the way."
She actually looked surprised by that statement. Shaking her head, Skyflower said, "No, just the uncle. My, um, family history prevented me from having much in the way of romantic entanglements." Gulping, she added, "If you wish, I'll leave. My uncle's ire will, for the most part, be directed towards me, rather than at you. If I get far enough away from here, he'll likely not bother to track you down..."
I held up a hand, stopping her from speaking further. "Not happening. Even if we weren't married, I'm not the type to turn my back on a damsel in distress. You're staying here, at the very least until we get this nonsense straightened out."
Skyflower seemed startled by that announcement. She looked towards Ash and Leni, both of whom nodded in agreement with me. She turned back towards me, and...
Look, I wasn't an expert on pony facial expressions yet, so I really couldn't have told you then what it might have meant. She looked grateful, and relieved, yes, but there was something else there. Something familiar that I couldn't quite put my finger on yet...
My stomach growled, loudly. Skyflower's did, at practically the exact same moment. With a chuckle, I announced, "Now, I'm feeling a bit hungry, and I suspect you are, too. I'm going to make us something to eat. While I do so, you can explain why the niece of pony Voldemort ended up leading a company of army rangers through a forest in search of changelings." I chuckled again as I said that. Everything about this girl, er, mare, was turning out to be overly complicated. Then again, my father had warned me that the cute ones often did come with a lot of baggage attached. I suppose that's true, regardless of whether they're human, equine, or other...
With a small smile, Skyflower said, "I'd be happy to. In exchange, you can tell me who this... 'Voldemort' fellow was."
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Meanwhile, in Sugarcube Corner at Ponyville...
Twilight Sparkle looked over at Pinkie Pie, and asked, "You're absolutely certain?"
Pinkie nodded her headed vigorously, producing a rattling sound, then said, "I sure am! Cheesy said that he performed a wedding last night. The bride was a unicorn named Skyflower, and the groom was a gigantic red and black centaur named Emperor McAwesometown."
While the name didn't match, it was almost certainly fake. Twilight gulped, her wings fluttering nervously. Of all the rotten luck. Tirek was free again, and by the description, he had already obtained a great deal of magical energy. Worse, it seemed that he'd allied himself with the changelings... and she and her friends didn't know how to reactivate the power that they'd used to defeat the fiend the first time. This had disaster written all over it. There was no time to waste...
"Pinkie, go wake up Rainbow Dash, then have her get the others. Have them meet me in front of my new home. We need to come up with a plan, then we'll need to go and hunt down Tirek and stop him before it's too late..."
A sorrowful expression on her face, Pinky said, "But Twilight, it's already too late! All the yummy wedding cake is sure to be long gone by now!"
Twilight facehoofed, then said, "That's not what I meant, Pinkie. Just go get Dashie and the others. Please?"
"Okie dokie lokie!"