//------------------------------// // Science is only fun for crazy purple unicorns with wings // Story: The strange life of a human in Equestria // by The Batmane of equestria //------------------------------// If anypony in ponyville were to look outside the window right now, they would most likely see you running away from a crazy alicorn trying to trap you in magic bubbles. As it stands, this isn't even the worst thing to happen to you this week. But, as far as the day goes, this is pretty bad. "Ya think!" What did I say about the fourth wall? "You- AH never said anythin- WOAH!" Oh. Well stop breaking it. Go back to your reality. "Fine! YEOWCH!" you yell, as another beam shoots over your head, singeing a few hairs and encasing a watermelon cart in a purple bubble. "My watermelons!" you shout. Twilight, while still trying to trap you, says "Those aren't your watermelons." Still running, you leap over a barrel and shout back, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE COMEDIC TIMING OF THAT! IT WAS PERFECT!" Twilight simply seems to ignore what you said and continues to shoot at you. By some unknown power of the universe, you unwillingly say, "For one of the most powerful magic users in existence, you really are a bad shot." Welp, your dead. Twilight lets out a feral roar and charges up a large ball of energy. A very large ball of energy. You can only stare in horror as you wonder Why me? And with that thought in place, she fires at you... only to miss and hit the ground to your left. You look at the scorch mark on the floor and laugh. "TOLD YA!" You continue to laugh, not noticing Twilight getting closer with every millisecond. You turn to face her, only to have your vision flood with purple. Purple with two eyes on it. Wait. Processing... Processing...*DING* You realise that the purple is actually Twilight. You slump forwards, your face becoming neutral, and utter, "Ah, buck it." With that, you are zapped into unconsciousness. The following events take place between- "SHUT the buck UP!" you scream at the voice. You are currently trapped in chains, hanging from the ceiling of... Actually, where am I? Am I in Pinkie's basement? I DON'T WANNA BE A CUPCAKE! You start to panic, your breathing becoming more erratic and your arms desperately trying to break the chains. As you panic, a door opens behind you, a small slither of yellow light escaping into the room before being pushed back as the door closed. You hear hoofsteps behind you and you freeze in fear. Oh no! It's Pinkie! You cower in fear as the hoofsteps get closer and closer until they are just behind you. You sense movement to the left of your head as the hairs on your neck stand on end. "Hello... Human." he voice says menacingly. This causes you to scream out the manliest thing in the world in retaliation, something so manly that it makes lumberjacks quiver in their boots. "PLEASE DON'T TURN ME INTO CUPCAKES!!! I WANT TO LIVE!!!" The lights come on and, to your shock, you are not in Pinkie's basement, nor is the pony behind you Pinkie. You're in what appears to be the dungeons of a crystal castle. More specifically, the crystal castle belonging to the purple alicorn behind you. "You needn't worry, human. This won't take long." She grins, slowly walking around you, her eyes shadowed in darkness. You gulp, realising that you are about to arrive in Equestria and be killed in the same day. "I just need you to answer a few questions." she says, her demeanour dropping, being replaced by that of a happy student, eager to learn. "AAAAAAAAAA- wait, what?" "I just need you to answer a few questions, then you can go, okay?" You think for a moment, before saying calmly, "Eh, sure. Why not?" "Excellent!" She yells, before disappearing in a flash of light, returning three seconds later with a notebook and quill grasped in her magic. "Let the learning commence!" "Riiight." You say, unsure what she wants to know, wondering when you'll ever get the chains off your hands. Seriously. Like, there is almost no blood in them and you're bound to lose them if they aren't released soon. "But first, can you release these chains? I quite like having blood flow in my arms. And this isn't exactly my fetish." "Oh, sorry." She says sheepishly, a blush growing on her face, before a flash of magic makes them disappear. You scream in agony as the blood flow returns to your now blue arms. You lie on the floor hopelessly. "Okay." You start, still on the floor in pain. "First question." "Are you alright?" she asks, looking at you with a mixture of concern and empathy. "Eeyup." You respond, impersonating a certain red stallion. Twilight giggles at that. "You know, you sound just like..." "Big Macintosh, I know. The large red stallion from sweet apple acres who's vocabulary, as far as anyo- anypony can ascertain, consists of eeyup and eenope." You say knowingly, smiling despite your arms feeling like they're broken. "That actually relates to my third question." She says before asking, "Question two. What is your name, for the record." "There's going to be a record? AWESOME! Oh, right, my name is Anon." After a few seconds pause, during which Twilight looks at you sceptically, she writes it down. "Okay then. Next question. How do you know so much about us?" This makes you tense up. Should I tell her? Should I tell her that her life has been a lie? Okay, well not really a lie, but... Anyway, would she be able to handle it? Being just a character on TV? I can't. It might prove a bit scary. I need to make up a lie, quickly! Uhh... "I'm afraid I can not reveal such sensitive information." You say, putting on an overly British accent. Twilight stares blankly into space. She blinks before snapping back to attention. "O-okay, then. N-next question." You can tell she is really not happy about having information withheld from her. "How did you get here? In Equestria, I mean." She looks at you hopefully. "I... haven't got the slightest clue. I just woke up in the Everfree and made my way here. That's all I know." You sit there contemplating on the situation. You're snapped out of your stupor by Twilight's next question. "Finally, do you come in peace?" You deadpan at Twilight. "Seriously? Do I come in peace? There are so many things wrong with that question that I don't even know where to start! Firstly, if I didn't come in peace, wouldn't I have already killed Applejack, her being the first pony I met? Secondly, how stereotypical can you get!? "Do you come in peace?"! That is literally every bad sci-fi movie ever created! Thirdly..." You trail off, noticing that Twilight's expression keeps getting sadder and sadder, with her looking at the floor dejectedly. I'm gonna have to do the right thing here, aren't I? Yes. Who are you and what are you doing in my head? I'm your subconscious. ... Okay. You look at Twilight, your eyes filled with regret. "I'm sorry, Twi. I didn't mean to upset you like that. I just get worked up over these types of things." You say without even registering saying it. These are not my words! Must be my subconscious. Twilight looks up at you, tears in her eyes. Great, now I made Twilight cry. Good going Brian. You're welcome, but I think you meant brain. Wait, what? Nevermind. "You... You really mean that? You're not angry at me?" she asks hopefully. Her mood is really changing quickly. Is she pregnant and going through mood swings. You think. "Yes, I do mean it." You say, randomly pulling her into a hug. I'm betting that this is my subconscious doing this. "I'm sorry I shouted, but I'm not mad at you." "Thanks, Anon. That helped." She says gratefully. That just happened, didn't it? Eeyup. Get out of my head! The following events take place between 1pm and... "Seriously 24 narrator dude. SHUT UP!" Twilight looks at you incredulously. "What?" "Ask Pinkie." "Oh." Twilight is leading you out of the dungeons and into the dining hall, due to a particular abundance of lunch. And breakfast. The pink and purple crystal walls of the hallways in the castle are lined with several guards in shining armour (Hehe. "Several guards in Shining Armour". Sounds like a clopfic.), statues, paintings, and busts of the mane six, the princesses, and Starswirl the Bearded. One of the said guards looked familiar. He was an orange pegasus stallion with a spiky blue mane. As you walk past, you suddenly collapse. "What is it?" Twilight asks worriedly, trying to help you to your feet. "I feel a disturbance in the fandom, like several grown men cried out "Waifu stealer" in anguish, and were suddenly silenced." You say, groaning as you stand and a hand held to your temple. "What?" "Pinkie." "Right." You continue to walk to the hall, eventually arriving at the thick crystal doors. You push open the door and are happy to see seven faces. Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and the Sister Princesses. Wait, what!? THE PRINCESSES!? You stare in shock. "PRINCESS CELESTIA!? PRINCESS LUNA!?"