//------------------------------// // Rainbow Dash: Welcome to the Jungle // Story: Fastest Fall in Equestria // by Parchment_Scroll //------------------------------// Fastest Fall in Equestria Welcome to the Jungle Rainbow Dash: Okay, no, it's explore-a-new-world time, not freak-out-about-what-kind-of-friend-I-am time. Pull yourself together, Dash! No matter how much I told myself that, though, there was still that kernel of guilt making the whole deal a lot less fun than it had been. How best could I make up for making fun of Twilight all this time, then? Well, that was easy: I would just have to pony up and get my egghead on! Come on, Rainbow Dash, what would a smart pony like Twilight Sparkle do in this situation? Research, duh! "Quick," I cried, "to the Mare-do-pedia!" "The what now?" "Well, if your guys' Batman can have a bat-computer and a bat-cave and a Batmobile, and all that, then it stands to reason Mare-do-Well should get at least that much." "Oh man," whined Dave. "Is this another season two thing? Because if it is, please stop spoiling it for me." "No spoilers," I said. "You'll just have to wait and find out if Mare-do-Well shows up in season two or not. Probably will, though, since there was a Friendship Report about it. So yeah, Mare-do-Well. Turns out, it's really--" "NO!" he cried. "MY SENSITIVE VIRGIN EARS!" "--so of course somepony had to stand up to the evil Krastos--" "STOP IT! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!" "--and then Pinkie Pie said 'Oatmeal, are you crazy?' and I said 'maybe, but it's just crazy enough to work,' and--" "NO SPOI-- you're making this up, aren't you?!" See, folks? Bronies can be taught! While I was doing all this, I had gone to that repository of all things factual -- the Internet! "Earth," I read, "or the Earth, is the third planet from the Sun, and the densest and fifth-largest of the eight planets in the Solar System." I groaned. "OH MY CELESTIA, THIS IS SO BORING AND I'M ONLY ONE SENTENCE IN! Where's the important stuff?" Dave grinned. "Depends on what you think is important. What are you looking for?" "I dunno," I said. "History, magic... stuff Twilight Sparkle would want to know." "So you want four thousand years worth of human knowledge to take home to Equestria with you and just present to Twilight Sparkle as, what, a gift? 'Hi, Twilight, did you miss me? Here's an entire forest worth of books for you to read!'" I laughed. "That would be an awesome present, but where would she keep it all? I'm pretty sure the Ponyville library couldn't hold that much. Hmm... I know! We'll start with where my Earth and yours are different!" "Your Earth?" I laughed. "Well, duh! Equestria's just one country, ya know." Dave grinned. "That reminds me of a scene in a book, where a wizard is on another planet, and she asks what planet she's on and the alien she's talking to says 'Earth.'" I laughed, then frowned. "Hey, you said there's no such thing as magic here. But you've got wizards? What gives?" His grin widened. "Well," he said, "why don't we ask Wikipedia?" I'll tell you why not, Dave. Wikipedia is boring. It is written by the eggiest of eggheads in a way that only the Queen of the Eggheads Herself could find interesting. I tried looking up magic and it was all "did you mean illusion, ritual magic, fictional magic, a programming language...?" No, you stupid thing, I mean magic! It's everywhere, it's in everything! It's just magic! And then I got an idea. What kind of magic has Twilight Sparkle been studying the last year or so? So I typed it in. "OH MY CELESTIA, HOW CAN YOU BUCK UP FRIENDSHIP?" "Oh, what's the problem now, Rainbow Dash?" "Listen to this list of values! Where there ought to be the Elements of Harmony, you've got this weird list that repeats itself like three times: "'The tendency to desire what is best for the other' I guess that's Generosity... "'Sympathy and empathy' could be Kindness... "'Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart' Oh, come on, Honesty is one word how do you make a sentence that long out of one word? "'Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support' ...Kindness again. "'Enjoyment of each other's company' is, okay, probably a better way of putting it than Laughter, so that's okay. "'Trust in one another'... is... is that Loyalty? I guess so, because nothing else on this list is. It's more a result of Loyalty than the element itself, though. "'Positive reciprocity — a relationship is based on equal give-and-take between the two parties.' Seriously? Seriously, Dave? Positive reciprocity? That's not friendship, that's mutual bribery! "'The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.' Yeah, I don't even know what to make of this. Sort of a mixture of laughter and kindness with a little what is wrong with you people that you don't understand friendship mixed in..." Dave frowned. "Hey," he said. "It's a bit unfair to say we don't understand friendship." "This article is really long, Dave, and it's wrong. It's all very, very wrong." "This article," he said, "is written from the standpoint of sociology and cultural anthropology." "Who and what, now?" "Egghead stuff." I grunted. "Okay, then, but what about the foals?" "What about the kids?" he asked. "I mean, what do you mean?" "How do they learn about friendship?" He grinned. "A couple of different ways," he said. "One is the same way Twilight Sparkle's been learning about it: by going out and making friends." "And the other?" "Sitting in front of my computer and insulting my entire species." "Really? Am I holding up a line, here?" "I mean you, numbnuts." I rolled my eyes. Honestly, though, human eyes don't roll right. Too rigid, not expressive enough. I was really starting to miss my old comfy body. "I know that, Dave. It was a joke." I grinned. "You're saying that cartoon of my friends and me is how kids learn about friendship?" He shrugged. "Well, among other things. Say, Dash, I was thinking..." "Don't strain yourself, there, monkeyboy." Dave rolled his eyes. "Ha ha. I just wanted to know if you wanted to watch a movie." "What kind of movie?" "Well, I was thinking of something serious and intellectual an adventure movie, silly." * * * * * "Okay, now what the buck is this?" "This," said Dave, "is a work of art. Raiders of the Lost Ark." "And who's this Daring Do wannabe?" "Indiana Jones." "Eh... he's all right I suppose. And who's the other guy?" "Oh, him? Doesn't matter, he dies soon anyway." "Who's the one who keeps complaining about spoilers? Hey, what's he doing with the sand there? Hey, that's right out of Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone! But... where's the lava?" "Who needs it? Now he's got to go past all those other traps while outrunning the giant boulder!" "What gia-- oh, that giant boulder." * * * * * I fell over laughing. "Top men! That's awesome!" "Wanna watch another?" "Do I?! Bring it on, monkeyman!" I looked at him. "Say, how many of these are there?" "Three. There are three. Don't let anyone try and trick you into thinking otherwise."