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// 1) Nightmares and Kindness 
// Story: Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend 
// by Piquo Pie 
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Day 2 of being a complete loser

Dear Diary,

I didn’t sleep last night. I keep having nightmares. I hurt ponies. There’s fire. I can still hear their screams. I danced in the fires burning down the school. I was laughing!

Seriously, WTF is wrong with me. I was laughing. Why would I be laughing? Am I really that messed up? Is there even a point in me trying to be a better pony?

Now I can’t keep my eyes open; transforming yesterday, not sleeping last night, crying, so much crying. It’s too much, but I can’t go to sleep again. I don’t want to laugh while those I’ve already hurt die around me.

The wort part is, even though it was the nightmare that woke me up, I keep thinking about these past few years and it scares me just as much as the idea of sleeping again. I think about every little thing that caused me to slip further and further into darkness. I think about how my arrogance caused me to act as Celestia's student. I keep thinking about how I left Equestria, how Flash Sentry helped me when no one else would. I keep thinking about how I chose to hate the human versions of the Elements of Harmony and how I could so easily go out and mess with them. I think about how good that would feel. I mean, if I was careful I could probably get Applejack to think Rainbow Dash stole some apples while she was out on a run and...

No. I'm not doing this. I'm not hurting anyone else, no matter what! I don't care if it kills me because if I feel like this now I can't imagine how much worse it would be if I hurt someone again.

I thank the Sun that it’s the weekend. I’m going to go curl up in a corner and put on some music. I need to cry some more. 

Hold me, Diary?
-I love you, Diary.





Day 3 of being a better pony

Dear Diary,                                                                

I fell asleep while crying last night. I must have slept for at least twelve hours. I had more nightmares. At least this time I was the only one suffering. I think I was being consumed by fire but I don’t remember it very well. When I woke up, my trailer, such as it is, had been vandalized. Maybe that’s what woke me up. There was toilet paper everywhere, and someone had spraypainted the front, calling me a freak and a monster. They aren’t wrong. Others had egged my trailer. I guess I must have been sleeping pretty hard. Someone else had left, eww, waste on my front porch. I spent a few hours picking up the toilet paper and the waste. I didn’t have enough garbage bags for all the toilet paper and I wasn’t going to go out for any today so I just left it in a pile in the trash can. 

It felt good cleaning. I felt like I was getting what I deserved, serving a sentence. The eggs stained the siding a little, but they hadn’t been there long so it wasn’t too bad. The spray paint wasn’t going to come off easy so I left it for later. 

I was hungry enough that I finished off the bread I had. I was out of butter so I used mayonnaise. It was was surprisingly decent, a bit tangy. I didn’t have much else because I hadn’t planned on being in this crappy world past the Fall Formal. Now it’s the only world I have. I wish I hadn’t quit my job either. I doubted the grocery store would take me back. Well, they probably would, but when the customers ran away from me, they’d probably fire me. Even if they didn’t, I wouldn’t want to do that to Mr. Rich. He was always easy to get along with, very business-oriented, but not one to mistreat his workers. While I always did good work, I had taken him a bit for granted. I’d taken as many days off as I could, and when I was in the middle of my downward spiral I had even stolen from him once or twice. He deserves better. Maybe I could be a nighttime stock girl or something.

I don’t know, I just reread that and it doesn’t feel right. Maybe I’ll try to find a job with someone else. I’m tired again and kind of hungry, but not for anything that I have. I’ll think about a new job tomorrow at school. It’s not like I’d be able to pay attention anyway. I don’t know which would be worse, sitting in the back or the front. If I’m in the back, I’ll have to look at all the people I’ve hurt. If I’m in the front, then people will be staring at me. I’ll probably be picked on either way. Maybe I’ll call in sick. Ya, that would probably be for the best. While everyone else is at school, I can go to the store and maybe see what jobs there are in town that wouldn’t require me to interact with customers. Then I can be alone, where I won’t bother anyone and they won’t bother me. I think I’d like that.

Thanks for listening, Diary. Good night.
-I love you






Day 4 of being a better pony

Dear Diary,        

If I had gone back to school by myself it would have been bad, really bad, but today was surprisingly good, even... encouraging? I hadn’t set my alarm because I wasn’t planning on going to school. When I heard the knock at my door, I half expected it to be the police, since schools are like way over-protective. Though I guess I haven’t really been the most responsible person.

When I opened the door I was surprised, and a little worried, to find the Elements of Harmony. Pinkie and Applejack were at the door while Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were surveying the damage to my property. Apparently someone had burned ‘freak’ into the grass and another had taken the toilet paper and other stuff in my trash can and dumped it on top of my mailbox. It had rained too. I was under the impression that it had turned into some sort of competition to see who could do more damage. Some misguided remains of my ego noted that I could do better; super-glue the door shut, put soapy water on the walkway, that sort of thing.

Still, the girls were here. It only took me a moment to get over my surprise and a thought occurred to me. If I had any chance of forgiveness, I needed to start off strong, especially with the ones who saved me. It made me kind of nervous. It also occurred to me that if I got in their good graces somehow then maybe I could get other people to forgive me as well. But that’s the old me. I need to stop trying to use others. And more than their potential value to me, I owed it to them. They deserved to be treated well for helping to rescue me. Actually, now that I think back on it, they probably deserved it more for saving the school from me. I need to remember that it’s not about me anymore.

As I sat there rubbing the sand out of my eyes I realized that I had been wearing the same clothes since Friday, I’d bawled my eyes out, and I hadn’t taken a shower. But Pinkie Pie didn’t seem to mind and gave me a big hug. Which was nice, despite taking me completely off guard. I don’t think I’ve received very many hugs these past few years and as I remember that moment, as awkward as it was, I think I’m actually smiling. Not in a ‘ha ha that was funny’ way, and it’s not even that I’m happy. It’s more, well... 

You have to know Pinkie to understand why I’m smiling. I don’t know her very well but even I can tell that she wasn’t treating me any differently that she would anyone else. She was simply Pinkie, and she was treating me the way Pinkie simply treated people. It was, comforting. She wasn’t afraid and she wasn’t angry. It just happened to come with a hug.

After some hellos and me awkwardly inviting them into the trailer, which was way too small for six people, they turned down my offer of coffee and explained that they were here to pick me up for school. I tried to explain that I wasn’t going to go to school today, but they wouldn’t hear it.

I wasn’t quite sure what to make of the situation. On one hand, I deserved to be treated like complete crap. On the other hand here were five girls, who had no reason to be nice to me, offering some small moral support. I wasn’t ready to trust them but I didn’t really have a choice. I hurriedly took a shower and put on some clean clothes. They had come earlier than when I normally would have left for school but not as early as I normally woke up. Still, if they went through the trouble of coming out here to pick me up, then the least I could do was to hurry and keep them from being late.

By the time I had gotten showered, brushed my teeth, and dressed, I was already a few minutes late and we had to hurry if we wanted to make it to class on time. Yet when I opened the door I was stunned. Not only had they waited patiently, but they had made a major dent in the cleaning that would need to be done. The toilet paper and trash had been collected and now filled the trash can (again), someone had moved around patches of dirt and grass so the epithet wasn’t readable, and some of the spray paint had been buffed off. Now I’m an ‘eak’ apparently.

I was completely shocked at the effort these girls had put in, girls who had every right to hate me and do worse to me than had been done already. I had no idea why they did it. They’d taken time and effort out of their day to not only make sure I made it to school safely, but also cleaned up after my yard was wrecked. I couldn’t even manage a thank-you by the time Rainbow Dash had noticed me, grabbed me by the hand, and yanked me into a sprint (a jog for her), complaining about how we were going to be late. After fifteen minutes we made it to school on time. I was out of breath but feeling better than I had in, well, since before I’d left Equestria. I assume the endorphins from running had something to do with it, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were honestly trying to be my friends. I’ve had ‘friends’ before of course, but I’ve never had friends that would go out of their way like these girls had. 

Of course, that all ended when I looked up and saw a good quarter of the student body staring at me, various degrees of hate met my eyes as if to signal a challenge while others looked away in disgust. Still more students shied away and hurried to class. It took a second for my runner's high to come crashing back down, and all I could do was stare at the faces of those I’d hurt. Someone threw a rotten tomato. I don’t know who would keep a rotten tomato with them at all (yuck). All I know is that suddenly Fluttershy had jumped in front of me and the rotten fruit had completely ruined the nice little outfit that she always wore. 

Everyone was taken aback. Fluttershy had not only been the first to react but was now staring down half the school. I had no idea that she had it in her! She started talking in front of everyone, berating them for being as mean to me as I had been to them and that they should know how bad it felt. I wasn’t going to tell her the truth, that what they did paled in comparison and that I had it coming, but it still struck as if I had been hit by a car. Rarity immediately joined in, scolding them for being uncivilized in addition to being mean. The others joined in right after, not as strongly and their voices began to run together, but the show of support from the school heroes had cowed the other students. At least for now. 

I didn’t know what to say. Even looking back on it I don’t know what I should have said. I thanked them of course, but I don’t think they heard me because the bell rang. We had to rush to class and I tripped running up the stairs. I think it might have been one of the other students but I can’t be sure. Either way, I will be more careful from now on. Fortunately I didn’t get hurt, because Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash both managed to catch me. I’m not surprised that Rainbow was able to react that fast. She is a sports star after all, and she was right next to me. What surprised me was that Pinkie, who was in front of me, spun and caught me just as fast as Rainbow had. I tried to thank her, but she said not to worry and that her ‘Pinkie sense’ will help keep me safe. Whatever a ‘Pinkie sense’ is.

After the stair incident, I think the girls decided that I might actually be in danger. They didn’t say anything, but it was hard not to notice them making a circle with me in the middle. Class was the same way. I had Pinkie and Applejack in my chemistry class. They had me sit in the front corner of the class, by the teacher’s desk. I wasn’t sure if that was a smart idea, but with Applejack and Pinkie at the same table it felt a lot better. I think a few people tried to throw stuff at me, because every once in a while Pinkie’s arm would shoot out behind me and I’d hear something smack against it. Then she’d turned to Applejack and said something that AJ would write down on an extra piece of paper.

I asked them about it at the end of class and AJ explained that they were taking down names to keep track of the students who were trying to bully me. Apparently it was Rarity’s idea. They might talk to them later if it continues, but they want to see if the bullying will die down on its own. I tried to explain that they didn’t need to do that, that I deserved what I got, but they wouldn’t have any of it. They said that no one deserved to be treated like that and until I was able to make amends, they would do their best to make it easier for me. I tried to ask why they were going that far for me, of all people, but the bell rang indicating two minutes to class (I’m really starting to hate that school bell). AJ and Pinkie ran off to their other class at the same time Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy showed up, asking if I’d walk to PE with them. I wasn’t going to say no, partially out of fear and partially because I found that I actually liked the idea of walking with them. 

I know, it seems weird to me too, Diary.

I asked Rainbow and Fluttershy about why they were all putting in so much effort. You know what they said to me? They said that Twilight had talked to them at the dance while I was repairing the damage I had done to the school. Twilight had apparently told them how hard it was for her to first make friends with their Equestrian doppelgangers. She also explained that while she had Spike as a friend along with a big brother while growing up, I didn’t have anyone close, just my studies and ambition. It’s true but I never thought about that before. Maybe if I had had a pet in Canterlot, or a good friend, I wouldn't have gone down such a regrettable path. 

Those thoughts occupied my mind while I changed my clothes for PE. I should probably preface talking about PE by saying that originally we were supposed to have gymnastics this week with Professor Snowflake (still can’t believe you can be a professor of Physical Education), but after I became an eldritch horror, Snowflake had to take a few personal days off. This meant that Mr. Iron Will was covering and had to combine both classes. So instead of gymnastics, we played a giant game of dodgeball. That idea was about as good as it sounded. 

Fortunately Rainbow Dash was the captain of one of the teams and picked Fluttershy and me first. Still, with almost thirty students trying to kill me, it didn’t go over well. I tried to hide in the back, but as soon as that whistle blew, my team didn’t even try to go for the balls. They halfheartedly jogged and then turned to the side to give the other team a clear shot of throwing everything they had at me. Honestly it wouldn’t have been a bad plan to win but I doubt that was what they were thinking.

Rainbow charged in, of course, and being the fastest thing I’ve ever seen on two legs, she reached the balls before anyone else had made it halfway. She managed to dive and pop two balls into the air, hitting two opponents in the legs, tripping them into the people around them. Then she dove to the side, where she flicked another ball, hitting a third person in the arm. She still managed to grab a fourth and fifth ball, flicking one to me and holding the other to herself to block with as she backed up. 

By the time I caught the ball, however, the other team had managed to get the other five balls and were recovering the ones that Rainbow had hit them with. I would have been out if it hadn’t been for Rainbow. She jumped in front of me and deflected ball after ball with the one she held in her hands. I never really appreciated just how much of a star athlete she was until my safety was in her hands. One of the balls popped into the air, prompting Rainbow Dash to yell ‘falling bunny.’ 

Now, ‘falling bunny,’ to me, meant absolutely nothing, but apparently these were magic words to Fluttershy. Fluttershy went from hiding in the corner to diving and catching the ball that Rainbow had just bounced in the air. This meant that of the thirty people on both teams we still had all thirty and the other team was down four. Sadly the rest of our team still wasn’t interested in helping, so it was effectively three against twenty six. Fortunately we worked well together. Rainbow stood in front with me behind her and off to the side. Rainbow blocked most of the attacks and I, not one to stand aside while someone defended my honor, covered a few others. Every once in a while, a ball would pop up and one of us would call out falling bunny and then Fluttershy would catch the ball and retreat behind us, passing it off to Rainbow Dash as she pegged someone on the other team.

The crazy thing was, we won. The crazier thing was, it was friendship that let us win and that friendship, that teamwork, made that win feel so much more rewarding. Three against thirty, regular Equestrian Spartans against the Arabian Herd; only with less death. And afterwards, Mr. Will gave us extra credit while giving the other students on our team a zero for the day. The really weird part was that he said he was proud of ‘you three’. ‘You three’, as in three friends. It made me a little suspicious, almost like it had been planned. 

I asked Rainbow and Fluttershy about it afterwards. Rainbow gave Fluttershy an odd look and then Fluttershy sighed, saying that they weren’t going to hide anything from me and admitted to talking to Mr. Will about it. They knew the classes were going to be combined because Pinkie Pie told them. No idea how she knew, but I was suddenly glad I had my new pink party-obsessed friend. I guess I’m thankful for all my new friends. Twilight stopping my insanity may have been the best thing to ever happen to me. 

During lunch Applejack brought some extra for me. I hadn’t been eating much for the past few days, and I’d skipped breakfast, so to me it was the best-tasting meal I had ever had. It even surpassed the meals I had at the palace with Princess Celestia. Apparently everything Applejack made came from stuff they produce on her family's farm. She told me a little bit about farm life, which is something I never really thought much about. While she probably could have gone on for hours or days, she kept it short and simple, which was appreciated and actually left me feeling happy about the conversation. I mean, she was sharing something personal with me, ME, of all people. I know it might not seem like it to most people, but in a way it felt like she was trusting me, including me. It was idle gossip, sure, but unless I was trying to get someone to do something for me in the past I never really did that kind of thing. It put me at ease, at least a bit. I’m thinking about asking for a tour of her farm sometime, but I wouldn’t want to impose.

Nothing else worth mentioning happened at school today. I had my head in the clouds, thinking about life and what kind of job I could apply for. After school I went to the grocery store and picked up some food and extra cleaning supplies. 

While I was in the store I ran into Mr. Rich. I tried asking for my job back but apparently he had heard about what happened and refused to even consider hiring me again. “Bad for business,” he said, though I noticed that he still rang me up with my employee discount. I was surprisingly not too upset. A week ago I wouldn’t have stood for being rejected, but I’m a better pony now. A better person, actually, since it looks like I’m going to be here for a while. Anyway, I picked up a paper in the hopes of finding some sort of job opportunity and went home.

When I got home it was about as bad as I expected. No windows were broken, but there were several trash bags that had been emptied on my lawn. I think I’ll continue keeping you under the floorboards for now. No telling what people would do with my Diary, Diary.

You mean a lot to me, Diary. I know I have some new friends, but you will always be mine, my secret best friend. I don’t have to worry about you like I do others. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new friends. In some ways today has been one of the best I’ve ever had, right up there with becoming Princess Celestia’s prized pupil, and that’s the problem.

I lost Celestia’s blessing. I wasn’t able to help her in the way she needed, fulfil the role that caused her to choose me. I’ve lost the best thing that has ever happened to me before and I’m worried that I’ll lose these new friends too.

But I don’t have to worry about you, Diary. I don’t have to worry about you judging me; if I screw up, I can just cross out my mistakes. You let me be me without fear. I can’t do that with the girls. Every once in a while I say something that comes out wrong and I worry that they will realize what’s going on in my head. Sometimes it’s the call of power and other times it’s the fear of losing them. Either way I can’t express myself honestly.

That hurts too. They have been so kind to me, so generous. It’s kind of ironic, now that I think about it. They’re kind and generous, honest and loyal, and they make me laugh. They really do represent their elements. And here I am. The only kind of laughing I do is out of awkwardness or because I’m supposed to in the context, I’m loyal only really to myself and you, I can’t tell anyone other than you anything honestly out of fear, I don’t have the means to be generous, and I’m too self-centered to be kind.

Maybe I should just

Maybe Twilight was right. Maybe her friends can help me. They’ve already been helping me. It might take me a while to open up, but I’ll try. And you’re going to help me, Diary. You already have in a way. With you I’ve been honest. I’ve laughed at things that I never would have. You’ve grounded me. Maybe I won’t be such a disappointment to my new friends like I was with Celestia. I want to be there for them, and I want them to help me. Maybe if I let them help me, if I ask them for help like I should have with Celestia, then I will be able to live happily and make up for the damage I’ve caused.

Thank you, Diary. Good night. 
-I love you.