//------------------------------// // PSA: Shipping and Handling // Story: I Against I, Me Against You // by Flynt Coal //------------------------------// It was a sunny day in Ponyville, and just outside of the quaint little village, past the famous Sweet Apple Acres stood two figures. A little purple pony and a tall bipedal figure in cobalt powered armor stood side by side, facing an unseen audience with big smiles on their faces (of course, the man’s face was hidden behind a helmet). “Hi, I’m Private Leonard Church from the popular webseries Red vs Blue,” the cobalt man said. “And I’m Twilight Sparkle, from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic,” the unicorn mare modestly added. “Y’know, both of our shows are known for having large, dedicated fanbases.” “That’s right, Church! When a show gets as popular as each of ours has, it creates something truly magical,” Twilight practically swooned as she continued. “It creates a community of people all sharing a common interest, where friendships are formed…” “And sometimes romances,” Church added. “As well as beautiful works of art, music and literature inspired by the shows they love so much. Fan communities truly are a wonderful thing.” “Well put, Twilight darling!” at the sound of the third voice, the pony and the human looked to find Rarity happily approaching them with something levitating before her. “Why, I’ve just now printed off some very lovely art of myself and Applejack. I think I might make it into a Hearth’s Warming card for her!” Rarity showed them the piece of fanart she had found. It depicted herself and Applejack curled up in front of a lit hearth bathed in dim, mood-setting lighting. They were snuggled up against each other and were gazing longingly into each other’s eyes, their muzzles inches apart, and a hint of red in their cheeks. “Wow. That’s, er… romantic looking,” Twilight said after a moment. “What? No, don’t be silly Twilight!” “Yeah, you guys look like you’re about to straight up make out!” Church exclaimed. Rarity gave the picture another look to confirm this. “No, we’re just two friends getting warm by the...” Rarity frowned when she could no longer deny what was in front of her. “Yes, now that you mention it, the fact that I can’t tell where Applejack ends and I begin is a bit suspect…” Rarity proceeded to crumple up the piece of art and toss it aside. “Bow chicka bow wow!” a familiar voice echoed in the distance. “Looks like you just stumbled across some artwork by a shipper,” Twilight said. “Shipper? What’s a shipper?” “I’m glad you asked, Rarity,” Church turned back to face whatever invisible force he and Twilight were talking at earlier. “Some members of our fan bases like to put their favorite characters together in romantic ‘pairings.’ These people will create all kinds of artwork depicting their favorite pairings in a variety of romantic scenarios. They might even go so far as to overanalyze said characters’ every interaction in the show for proof of the validity of their pairing.” “That’s right Church,” Twilight then eyed the man suspiciously. “Wait, how do you know so much about shipping?” Church shifted uncomfortably. “Eh. Let’s just say that your fanbase isn’t the only one who does it.” Grif and Simmons sat across from each other in the dimly lit base. Their helmets were off, and the two men were looking each other in the eye. This conversation was too important for it to be any other way. “Are you mad at me?” Grif asked. “How could I ever look into those eyes and be angry?” Simmons asked. “I see myself in those eyes!” “Just when you thought you knew everything there is to know about a person, you find out something new…” Grif said whimsically. “You mean like when you find out that someone you care about can be more than just a friend?” Simmons asked, joining his palm to Grif’s as he leaned in closer. “So much more…” Grif leaned forward to meet him. Grif sat on the hotel room bed, his laptop on his lap as he continued to read from it. “And then their lips met in a sea of passion…” “For the love of God, why?!” Simmons was lying on the room’s other bed, trying desperately to get some sleep. “Doesn’t the fact that someone wrote erotic fanfiction about us bother you?!” “Honestly? The thing that bothers me the most is that someone thinks you’re even in the same league me.” “Stupid Grif. I’m at least a seven…” Simmons grumbled, having inexplicably appeared next to Rarity as she glared distastefully at nothing in particular. “Apparently, since our crossover came out, people have even started shipping some of us with you ponies,” Church said. “Really?!” Twilight exclaimed. “Buh-but… we’re not even the same species! How would that even work?” As Twilight quite literally reeled from the revelation, Church returned his attention to his captive, invisible audience. “Don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to imagine two characters you really like having a romantic relationship,” Church explained. “Exactly. Just because some of you like to pair us ponies up with humans doesn’t make you complete degenerates!” Rarity said to the person watching from a reality away. “C’mon Rarity, don’t lie to their face!” Simmons chided. “... which is why we put together a few skits for our friends to act out, demonstrating things to avoid when making your own pairings!” Church continued, ignoring the others. Twilight nodded, but her heart wasn’t into it. Her attempts to contemplate the logistics behind such relationships had effectively rendered her semi-comatose. Things Not To Do #1: The Meet and Fuck Pinkie Pie happily hopped toward Sugarcube Corner with Caboose in tow. “Well, it sure was nice to meet you, Caboosey!” the pink pony exclaimed. “Yes,” Caboose agreed. “It was nice to meet someone who shares my passion for milkshakes and lamborghinis!” Pinkie’s face suddenly took on a sly edge. “Say, uh, do you wanna come up to my room to get a closer look at my… ‘pie’?” she asked complete with air quotes. Pinkie then leaned closer to Caboose and whispered at the top of her lungs. “I’m propositioning you for sex!” “Well, I don’t see why not. I also can’t think of any logical reason why this relationship won’t work out in the long run!” Caboose said staticly before following Pinkie Pie into the gingerbread establishment, shutting the door behind them. Church then stepped in. “I don’t think I even need to explain why this one doesn’t work. Disregarding the fact that these two characters would never say or do any of that; in real life, people don’t hook up like that.” Church paused as he considered some of the people he knew. “And the ones who do, you should probably avoid like the plague!” Things To Don’t #2: The Rescue Romance With lightning speed, an aqua figure leapt from the window of the small, animal infested cottage as a large explosion consumed it in flames. Tucker landed on one knee, tenderly holding the yellow pegasus he had just saved. “Oh my… thank you, Mr. Tucker! You saved me from that unexplained explosion!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “How can I ever thank you?” “I can think of at least ten different ways, if you wanna come back to my place,” Tucker said cooly. Fluttershy gasped and covered her mouth. “Oh. That would be, um… nice,” Fluttershy then gave Tucker a coy grin as she idly stroked a hoof along his chestplate. “That whole ordeal was so scary, I don’t think I can sleep alone tonight!” “Don’t worry, with my help you won’t have to sleep at all! Bow chicka bow wow!” Fluttershy blushed and leaned into Tucker’s firm grasp. Church once again stepped in front of the scene. “Okay, while it’s true that the rush of adrenaline that comes with a dangerous situation can increase a person’s libido, there’s a reason most action movie sequels show the romance from the first movie having fallen apart. Relationships are complicated, and it takes more than a couple of life and death scenarios to keep two people together.” What Are You Doing? Seriously, Stop! #3: The Tsunderes Rainbow Dash flew down from her cloud house toward the idling jeep. In the driver’s seat, Sarge sat with his feet on the dashboard, humming along to that same Spanish music he always listened to. “Sarge! How many times do I have to tell you to stop listening to your Warthog music under my house?!” Rainbow furiously exclaimed. “Not only are you letting vehicle fumes into my house, but this song is sooooooo annoying!” Sarge harumphed and hopped out of the jeep. “Now see here, missy! This is my jam! If ya don’ like it, maybe you should invest in some better insulation!” “I can’t, moron! I live in a cloud!” Sarge cocked his shotgun. “What did you just call me?” “I-idiot!” Rainbow Dash then inexplicably blushed and turned away. “It’s not like I like you or anything…” Sarge then grabbed the spunky pegasus by the waist and spun her around. Her lips met his… helmet. Rainbow blushed again as she pulled away. Sarge merely held her closer as he whispered tenderly. “You just got… Sarged.” Church and Twilight stood on the same empty field they started on. This time, however, they weren’t alone. The rest of the Reds and Blues were standing around them as were the rest of Twilight’s friends. “So if you just avoid these simple cliches, you can create a... passable romance between two characters,” Church concluded. “Pfft, what do you know about relationships?” Grif asked. Twilight eyed him skeptically. “Yeah, I hate to admit it, but Grif has a point. Your relationship with Tex isn’t exactly a healthy one.” Church turned to face the gathered Reds, Blues, and ponies. “Anyone here who actually has been in a long term relationship, raise your hand.” Church raised his own hand. Everyone else just looked at him in emaciated silence. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Church leveled his arm and dropped an imaginary microphone. “Yeah, well you’re not the only one who knows a thing or two about relationships,” Tucker said, walking over to a television that Spike had somehow set up in the middle of the field. “I’ve prepared a short scene showing exactly how with the right level of subtlety, you can show that two characters are totally digging each other! Lizard-thing, play the video!” Spike grumbled something under his breath, but nevertheless did what he was told. An image of Twilight and Simmons hanging out on the roof of Red Base, Blood Gulch began to play. “Hey, Simmons?” Twilight’s voice sounded hoarse. She blinked away some of the tiredness clouding her eyes. Simmons looked up from what he was working on. “What’s up?” Twilight took some time to mull over how to speak what was on her mind before answering, “How do you do it?” Simmons shrugged. “It’s not that hard really. It’s just a simple matter of pulling out all of the parts for the helmet radio and reassembling them as a headset…” “No, I mean, you actually seem like a pretty sensible guy. Or at the very least you have a better head on your shoulders than the rest of them. How can you keep living with these people?” “Eh. They’re not so bad once you get to know them.” “Wait, wait, wait,” Twilight said. “This is just me and Simmons’ scene from Act 1 Part 4!” “Exactly!” Tucker exclaimed. “Look at those romantic undertones. You can just tell there’s something going on there!” “No, we’re literally just talking,” Simmons stated. “You’re reading way too much into it.” “You’re right, it does feel like it needs an extra something…” Tucker suddenly snapped his fingers. “Wait, I’ve got it!” Tucker brought out a radio and began to play a smooth, sexy song. Now, the scene of Twilight and Simmons talking was now accompanied by a soundtrack of sexy guitar riffs like the ones Tucker liked to impersonate so often. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my trailer,” Twilight stated flatly as she turned to leave. The other Reds, Blues and ponies all made to do the same, leaving Tucker and his video alone. Fluttershy looked on at the burning remains of her cottage, a look of increasing distress on her face. “Um… hello? Anyone? We didn’t… actually blow up my house, did we?” “Of course we did, baby! You can’t fake an explosion like that!” At the sound of the boisterous, loud voice, Fluttershy looked around, but she didn’t see anyone around. The only thing she could find was a large, round, metal object that kind of resembled a bowling ball near the center of her home’s wreckage. “Yeah, you like what you see, sweet flanks?” Fluttershy tilted her head. It almost sounded like the voice came from the bowling ball… “What’s the matter? You ain’t never seen a talking bomb before?” it said, “Now, if you pick me up and carry me back to my place, I can give you a different kind of explosion, if ya know what I’m saying!” With a sigh, Fluttershy turned and walked away. “Oh, come on baby, don’t be like that! Just take me home and we’ll work it out!” Andy called out. “No really, I don’t have legs! I can’t get home without help! Hello? Ah, screw it I’ll sleep here…”