//------------------------------// // Chapter IX: Conquest Over Drinks // Story: A Princess and Her Queen // by kildeez //------------------------------// Princess Luna leaned back in her chair, sipping at the wonderful little drink the Element Bearers had just introduced her to...what did they call it again...ah yes, coffee! It was an ancient drink, lost to time, its recipe forgotten through the centuries. Just one of the benefits of having a giant time capsule land in one's own backyard, she thought, tilting her head back for another sip. Not that the rediscovery of some drink even began to make up for the thousands of ponies whose lives were uprooted by that wretched king (she refused to even think his name: he had tainted enough thoughts and dreams for her to spare him even that), but still, it had to count as a silver lining. The sun warmed Luna’s face as she enjoyed her time there in the little café, its outdoor area proving far superior to the dingy, darkened little tavern that managed it all. Why, cold notwithstanding, it was amazing how somepony could choose the tiny grouping of tables and grimy bar inside over the quaint metal chairs outside. Then again, those ponies she had seen seemed like the type that might want as little light as possible on them, especially once the buzz kicked in. Well, to each his own, who was she to judge? Sighing contentedly, the Princess looked up just as a pair of crystal ponies trotted by, chatting amicably. Luna’s night-blue eyes scanned along the sparkling streets and over the glittering store fronts, a few of which towered over the city with huge, crystalline spires perched on their rooftops. As she watched, one shop owner pulled the curtain back from his window, revealing shelves full of rock candy and sparkling sponge cakes (how the crystal ponies managed to transfer their love of hard little sparkly rocks into food was beyond everypony) as he threw a friendly wave to the pair trotting by. Luna smiled; it was so nice to see the Empire recovering. Her niece and nephew-in-law had truly been the right choices for ruling. Under them, perhaps the Empire did have a chance at reintegrating into Equestrian society! And then she watched the shop owner suddenly scowl and flip his little sign back to "Closed", sliding the curtain over his window shut again. Confused, she scanned down the street, only finding an earth pony tourist trotting along with a camera around his neck. The pony, distracted by the gorgeous sights of the Empire, didn’t spare the closed shop a second glance. Once he rounded the corner, the shop owner peeked out his curtain after the pony, ensuring he was gone before flipping his sign back to "Open.” Or perhaps not, Luna scowled. She had almost forgotten about that unfortunate part of ancient Equestrian society, but some of the crystal ponies apparently had not. She sipped at her coffee again, biting back her anger. She knew as a Canterlot princess, it really wasn't her business to meddle with the affairs of the Empire. Technically the city was a vassal state with its own guard and its own government to handle things like this, but ooh did she ever want to just swoop down onto that little shop owner's head and give him a blast of the good ol' Nightmare Moon act... "Princess?" A timid voice asked. Luna's head whipped around, her eyes locking on the bright, baby blues of the Element of Kindness. Oh shoot, she had almost completely forgotten she was here with other ponies! That was a thousand years of isolation for you. Taking another sip off her coffee, she pasted a big fake smile on her face. “It’s rather beautiful here, is it not?” Luna asked. “Oh, just gorgeous,” the Element of Generosity replied. “Why, I’ve found inspiration for a dozen dresses just while we were sitting here!” “Rarity,” Twilight said with a stern look in her eyes (which was hard to take seriously thanks to the mustache made of hayseed whiskey sour on her lip). “This is supposed to be a vacation for you, remember?” “Oh but darlings, how can one relax when one is surrounded by so much beauty?” Luna smiled again as she took another sip from her cup. They were such a wonderful group of ponies. She wondered why she’d tuned them out in the first place. “So anywaaaaayy…” the Element of Laughter said, picking up where she’d left off while Luna daydreamed. “Like I said, I just can’t tell what my favorite tongue twister is: is it ‘Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers’? Or maybe it’s ‘She sells seashells by the seashore’? Ooh! Or how about…” Oh, that's why, Luna sighed, taking a nice, long gulp from her cup just as the little pink mare suddenly stopped and gagged. “Pinkie?” Twilight asked in concern. Pinkie’s jaw dropped, her tongue rolling out her mouth and onto the table, tied into an assortment of different knots. Luna watched everypony else at the table heave a quick sigh of relief. Obviously, she wasn’t the only one who could grow tired of their friend’s ranting. “So…” Twilight mumbled, easing the tongue back into Pinkie’s mouth with her magic. “I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright, Princess?” “Oh yes, we…we mean, I have been doing quite fine since you saw me last, Miss Twilight,” Luna replied happily. “Those letters on friendship have been quite the boon, they’ve offered a trove of knowledge for helping me reintegrate into Equestrian society.” “I’m so glad!” Twilight beamed. “Yes, it sounds like you’ve made quite a bit of progress since that wretched affair on Nightmare Night,” Rarity added, sipping her appletini. “Heheh, yeah, Nightmare Night,” Luna sighed, recalling the image of ponies running in fear from the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Not that it was all that bad! I just meant…um…” Rarity ran a nervous hoof through her mane, complementing herself with a nice, big gulp from her drink. “My, these are good, aren’t they!?” She asked, desperate to change the subject. Applejack took a sip of the appletini in front of her, grimaced, and immediately got up to head for the bar. “AJ, where you goin’?” Rainbow asked. “T’give the bartender a piece a’ my mind!” The country pony replied, grim determination in her eyes. “Ah’ll be consarned if there’s ever been a real apple anywhere near this swill!” “I think I’ll go with her,” Dash said, flapping after her friend. “If she gets into a fight with the bartender, she’ll need backup!” Luna arched an eyebrow as the pair disappeared into the bar’s main building. “Is there really a chance that…” “No, Princess, no! Of course not! They would never start a fight over something so petty!” Twilight said quickly, lifting her hayseed whiskey sour to her lips to hide a quick glance at the bar’s windows. “Probably,” Rarity added out the corner of her mouth. “We’re just happy to have you here with us, Princess,” Fluttershy said, speaking up again. Luna felt warmth blossom in her chest at the way the little pegasus could look at her without the fear that had been present on Nightmare Night. “And I am happy to be here with you, my little ponies.” “There, see? You’re getting it!” Twilight giggled. “Soon, ponies’ll be eating out of your hooves, just like with Celestia!” Twilight realized her faux pas almost the moment it left her lips, though Luna did an incredible job of disguising the cringe it caused her. For the other ponies’ parts, they’d all seen Twilight’s slip of the tongue coming from miles away, but had been powerless to stop it. Even Rarity, the mare whose elegance turned heads at the stuffiest of Canterlot parties, choked on her martini and started waving her hooves like an air traffic controller at the Hindenburg disaster as the last of the words left Twilight’s mouth, though she’d regained her composure by the time Luna’s gaze finally left Twilight’s. “Oh...gosh…” Twilight gasped. “Princess…I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean…I sometimes say things, I…” “Think not on it, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna assured her with a smile that was just a couple notches below looking completely genuine. “We know what you meant, and completely understand.” In the lull that followed, her beloved sister’s last words to her crossed Luna’s mind. She considered them thoughtfully, her eyebrows hunching (which, of course, looked like she was considering a royal beatdown to the other ponies at the table, who all promptly readied themselves for the mother of all tongue-whoopings). Finally satisfied with her thoughts, Luna took another sip from her coffee, now growing cold in the afternoon weather. “Say, you girls have experience with relationships, right?” “Of course!” Rarity beamed, glad for the distraction from the tense atmosphere. “Eh-hah!” Pinkie added, still trying to unravel her tongue and roll it up back into her mouth. “Well…I think so…I mean, I’ve never been terribly good at making friends,” Fluttershy said with her trademarked shyness, her wings slumping downwards. “We all have,” Twilight said, patting a reassuring hoof on the pegasus's shoulder. “And while I can’t say I have a whole lot of experience with friendship, I can say I have five of the best friends a mare could ever want!” Luna nodded approvingly. “Actually, we…I’m sorry, I was thinking more along the lines of a…‘special somepony’, as I believe it is called these days.” The table balked at that. Twilight gasped, promptly choking on a sip of her drink. “I…um…don’t think anypony here has much experience with that…sort of…relationship,” Rarity said awkwardly, patting her still-coughing friend on the back. “You sure, Rares?” Pinkie asked brightly, having finally untangled her tongue. “I’ve been hearing things about you and that diamond dog that’s been coming around the boutique for…” The unicorn promptly jammed a hoof into her friend’s mouth, glaring venom back at the pink mare. “Carnifax is a friend and a valued customer, but that is all, do you understand?” She asked through gritted teeth, her eyes blazing at the thought of the dog that had been visiting Ponyville more and more frequently for the fashionista’s services. If looks could kill, Pinkie would have been dead a dozen times over. As it was she just nodded, the bright smile still obvious in her eyes. Rarity snorted and returned to her seat, guzzling down the rest of her appletini. When she saw the looks on the faces of everypony around her, she sighed and rolled her eyes. “I am a socially connected pony, darlings, I have heard the rumors. I’m just getting…fed-up with them, is all. Yes, Carnifax is a sweet dog, and a close friend, and a great helping paw around the Boutique every now and again, but…” “But what?” Pinkie asked. Rarity paused, seemed to think on that for a moment, then went for another sip of her drink, only to snort in annoyance when the bottom of an empty glass greeted her. “I need more drink,” she mumbled, before heading into the bar. “But she thinks she needs more drink!?” Pinkie grumbled, eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. “What kinda answer is that!?” “No Pinkie, she meant…” Twilight sighed, shaking her head. “Nevermind.” An awkward silence descended over the table, only interrupted by the constant slurping noises from the Element of Laughter as she polished off her strawberry smoothie (with extra hot sauce, of course). “You know what?” Twilight said quickly, pushing away from the table. “I think I’ll find out what’s taking Rainbow and Applejack so long.” “TWILIGHT!” Pinkie gasped. “Yes Pinkie, what is it now?” The lavender unicorn sighed, turning around as Rarity continued on into the bar. Pinkie held a large, pink, wooden club covered in stickers and labeled “Partytime’s Over” out to her. “You might need this.” “Um…” Twilight took the weapon up in her magic. “Thank you Pinkie, but why would I need…” Before she could even finish her sentence, the bar’s door burst open and a stallion with a hoofmark indented across one of his eyes stumbled out, smashing through a table and destroying what had otherwise been a lovely dinner for a couple from Trottingham. “And that’s what happens to ponies who mess with the Elements of Harmony, you BRUTE!” Rarity shrieked from somewhere inside. “Wooh! Go Rares!” Applejack’s voice chimed in, the sounds of breaking chairs, hooves smashing against faces, and shattering glass drifting out the door. As if to punctuate her statement, a stallion smashed his face against the plate-glass window, bouncing back with little tweety birds whistling around his head. Twilight looked back to the others in absolute shock, eyes widening. She looked over as Pinkie Pie shoved her bat into her friend’s grip, merrily skipping back to her seat and urging her friend along with a wave of her hoof. Twilight sighed and mumbled a quick thanks before stepping into the bar, the bat still held tightly in her magic. “Um, Princess?” Fluttershy asked. “Not to be rude or anything, but shouldn’t you do something?” “That is a job for the Crystal Guard, I’m afraid,” Luna sighed, taking a frustrated sip from her drink. “The Crystal Empire may officially be a part of Equestria, but it’s been granted more autonomy than most other regions of the kingdom. We…I cannot intervene in any affairs of the Empire unless somepony’s life is in danger, or without the express permission of Prince Shining Armor or Princess Cadence.” “Even if the Prince’s sister herself is in danger!?” Fluttershy gasped. Just as she spoke, three more stallions sailed out the door and hit the sidewalk, their bodies covered in hoofmarks, bruises, and the tell-tale violet sparks of one of Twilight’s magical attacks. “Honestly, I’m more worried about anypony stupid enough to attack her,” Luna said, her eyebrows rising to meet up with her glowing hairline. “But I trust my sister’s protégé in employing proper restraint.” “Gosh, that looks like fun,” Pinkie mused, her party cannon materializing at her side and giving a few growls. “Don’t even think about it,” Luna said, her eyebrows retreating back down into a stern hunch. “At least one of Miss Sparkle’s friends needs to remain outside to bail them out when they’re all inevitably arrested.” Pinkie glared at the bar’s entrance, but nodded slowly, stroking a hoof along the cannon’s barrel as it growled and snapped like a guard dog trying to break free of its master’s grip. Luna eyed the weapon curiously, but shrugged, knowing any question she might ask about the apparently-living cannon would be answered with something along the lines of “It’s Pinkie Pie.” The trio remaining outside watched as a smallish unicorn stallion trotted right to the tavern’s doors and started to push them aside. “Ah, wait,” Fluttershy reached out a hoof. The stallion cringed and turned to face her. A few beads of sweat collected on his forehead as he forced a smile onto his face. “Y-yes, miss?” He asked. “You don’t really want to go in there, do you?” She asked timidly. The stallion’s eyes widened, sweat literally drenching his forehead. “Wh-why wouldn’t I? I-it’s not like I’m up to anything or…” “But you don’t wanna get pulled into that big fight going on inside, do you?” “Wha-“ he started, turning back and actually taking a good look through the door. His jaw dropped at the sight of a purple unicorn physically picking somepony up and throwing him against a far wall while another mare launched into a spinning tornado kick that sent five thugs flying. “I-uh…wow. They’re even tougher than the Queen said.” He mumbled. “What?” Fluttershy asked. The wail of sirens from somewhere far off perked the pony’s ears up. “Nothing!” He said, grinning awkwardly with his hooves behind his back. “Nothing at all, miss! Just wondering if somepony’s called the Guard, is all!” A few moments later, a full platoon of crystal ponies in armor came galloping around the corner, crowding into the narrow street like a biblical plague made entirely out of pony. “Jeez, look at them all!” Pinkie gasped, staring at the sea of bodies squeezing into the tiny road. Celestia warned me they were overstaffed in the Crystal Guard, but this? Poor guys must have been just dying for something to do. Luna smiled and shook her head as she stood up out of her seat. “Girls, I believe it may be time for us to take our leave.” “An excellent idea!” The unicorn stallion said suddenly, practically leaping away from the door, as if he expected the bar to explode behind him at any instant (and given Twilight’s track record, this might not have been an inaccurate assumption to make). “I still think it sucks that we didn’t get to head in there like everypony else did,” Pinkie said despondently. Her cannon whimpered and nuzzled against her hoof until she took to stroking its muzzle reassuringly. “I know, boy, I know…we’ll get ‘em next time.” “C’mon,” Luna said, shaking her head with a little smile as she led the trio of ponies to the barricade set up just outside the small dining area. “We best let the Guard do their jobs.” The small group easily rounded the barricade and made its way into the mob of guards, where they were immediately grabbed and shoved roughly to the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. “Princess! Don’t worry! The Guard has the situation under control!” One of the guardsponies shouted. “I’m not worried.” Luna replied flatly. “Everything is under control!” The pony repeated in a loud and clear manner. Behind him, a group of crystal ponies leapt the makeshift barricade and crowded around the bar’s door, readying themselves to breach it and clear the interior as if the place was filled with heavily-armed terrorists, rather than drunken morons. “Just remain calm!” “We are calm! You’re the one who’s yelling!” Luna shouted back, her voice edging dangerously close to “Royal Canterlot” levels. Usually, she prided herself in her ability to maintain self-control no matter the situation, but as it was, Fluttershy was hyperventilating into a paper bag and this idiot wasn’t helping. “I repeat, you must… “WE ARE CALM YOU BLITHERING…” Luna paused, collected herself, pulling off a few breathing exercises. Within moments, her calm and cool demeanor returned. She frowned down at the guard in that haughty, high-and-mighty way she had been trained to use from birth, rearing up to her full, impressive height. “Guard, we are calm. In fact you should see that I, as a Princess of Equestria, have all the capabilities required to maintain control of a civilian populace.” The guard took a step back, his ears folding down beneath his helmet. “Perhaps, but…” “This group here does qualify as a civilian populace, does it not?” She asked, pointing to the pair on the sidewalk with her. “Of course, but…” “Then are you questioning the abilities of a visiting Princess? A pony of true royal blood who was dispatched by the high courts of Canterlot itself and invited with open arms by Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Prince Shining Armor themselves?” She asked, closing the distance between them just enough to absolutely tower over the now-terrified guard. “N-no…” he whimpered. She glared down at him. “Then don’t you think your talents would be put to better use elsewhere?” “Ye-yes, Princess, right away,” the pony said, slinking back into the wall of guards with his tail between his legs. “Wow, Princess!” Luna turned as Pinkie gazed up at her, eyes wide. Luna’s ears folded into her mane. Had she just ruined everything she’d worked so hard to build up with the rest of the Elements? “That was awesome!” Pinkie said, instantly allaying all of Luna’s fears. “Th-you really think so?” Luna asked bashfully. “Oh, yeah, even Fluttershy thinks so!” Pinkie patted a hoof on the little yellow pegasus's shoulder, who paused in her dry-heaving just long enough to nod. “Well, it only makes sense that the old ways would still work in a city that has been displaced for the past millennium,” Luna said, chest thrusting out with pride over the small victory. “Or…wait…hold on, weren’t there three of you?” “Um…” Pinkie pulled a quick headcount. “Hey, yeah! Where’d that stallion go?” Luna frowned, immediately turning back towards the crowd of guards. “You there! Guard!” She barked, pointing to a random pony. The stallion turned to her, looked side to side, then pointed a hoof at himself and mouthed, “Me?” “Yes, you! There was a stallion with us! Powder-blue coat! Unicorn! Find ‘im!” “Y-yes, ma’am!” The guard said, skittering away. Pinkie watched as the guard immediately set to the task set before him, dashing off with the same sort of zeal as Rainbow Dash discovering Applejack was handing out free samples of cider. “Wow, Princess, it’s so nice that you care for your subjects so much that you’d send a bunch of guards to find them on a whim!” “Perhaps,” Luna said, scrunching up her eyebrows as she watched the guardspony work. “However, there was something of an ulterior motive in our actions.” “Hmm?” “Did that pony not seem…skittish, to thee?” Luna asked, concern obvious on her face. “Well Princess, no offense, but you are pretty intimidating!” Pinkie giggled. “Yes,” Luna nodded. “Yes, perhaps that is it.” Luna was too distracted to feel any of the old pain at having intimidated yet another pony. Something nagged at the corner of her mind as she surveyed the crowd: that unicorn had been far too eager to get away once he’d heard the sound of the Royal Guard’s approach. And looking over her memory of the brief moment she’d seen him in front of that door, was that a green flash she’d seen? Or just the sun reflecting off one of the dozens of buildings towering above her? Her frown deepened. ’Twas probably nothing…but we’ll find out for sure soon enough. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The unicorn tip-hoofed along the alleyway between stores, avoiding puddles and bits of garbage, or anything that might make a noise that would give him away. He knew it was ridiculous to think anyone in the massive crowd he’d left a few blocks back could hear anything going on in this little back alley, but still, he wasn’t one of Chrysalis's top infiltrators for nothing. Looking around, he let out a sigh of relief. Absolutely nopony around. He was scot-free. He tilted his head back and sniffed the air. He smiled: it smelt like victory. Well, mostly the overflowing dumpsters surrounding him, but victory was definitely in there too. “You plant the spell?” A voice rumbled from behind a dumpster. The unicorn grinned maliciously. “Switch, please. Did you honestly think I couldn’t handle this?” “I dunno,” the larger stallion smirked, striding out in front of his partner. “You looked ready to wet yourself and high-tail it outta there when that pretty little pony pointed you out.” “That ‘pretty little pony’ happens to be one of the Elements of Harmony,” Bait scowled. “AND she was sitting right next to the Princess of Night! A princess who, up until a few years ago, was a horrible monster capable of plunging the world into eternal darkness!” “You’re a changeling!?” A tiny voice gasped, interrupting him. Recognizing it as the Element of Kindness, Bait immediately ducked and covered his eyes with his hooves. “Take the big one, leave me alone!” He cried. He opened his eyes again a few moments later to see Switch smirking down at him. “Gosh, you scare easy,” he said in Fluttershy’s soft, little voice. “Oh, screw you too,” Bait grumbled, pushing himself back up to his hooves. “I swear, if it was you out there you would’ve wet yourself the moment she so much as glanced your way.” “Doubtful,” Switch replied in his natural, hissing, layered voice. “Although you at least managed to keep you terror-piss in long enough to seal the spell, so kudos to you.” “Yeah, yeah,” for the first time, Bait allowed a wicked grin to cross his face. “So, mission success?” “Absolutely,” the evil grin proved infectious as it took over Switch’s features as well. “The Elements of Harmony are divided, and now…” “…nothing will stop us,” Bait completed for him. “Bait, do you know what I feel like?” “I probably do, but oh, it’s just so cliché! A part of me would feel really corny!” “Yeah, but what about the rest of you?” Bait smiled. “The rest of me loves it way too much to ever NOT do it,” he waved out a hoof. “You go first, Switch. Yours is so much better than mine.” Nodding, the larger changeling threw back his head and laughed, his throaty, hissing voice echoing along the vacant alleyway. Bait soon joined in, and the two cackled wildly, their wicked laughter booming off the walls and on throughout the streets. Once they’d calmed down some, they took a few breaths. “Bait my man, you’re getting better at the evil laugh,” Switch said. “You too, Switch, you too.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Twi! Yer right!” The lavender unicorn reacted immediately, spinning and blasting a few stallions with her horn just in time to send them flying. “Thanks, AJ!” “Don’t mention it, sugarcube,” the burnt-orange pony replied, ducking underneath a chair leg swinging wildly in a crystal stallion’s grip just in time to buck him in the gut. The stallion crumpled to the floor, clutching his sides and moaning. “Aw, walk it off, y’big wuss! M’brother bucked me in the chest when Ah was a filly, and Ah harvested two acres of trees right after!” “Take that! And that, you brute!” Rarity screeched, blasting away wildly. Though her magical attacks weren’t nearly as strong or as focused as Twilight’s, she was shooting enough of them off to stun every stallion around her, leaving them open to a flurry of well-executed spinning hoof kicks. “I say, this is a bit of an overreaction for an argument over appletini prices, is it not?” “Well, that’s how it started,” Dash replied, pulling her hoof out of some poor guy’s face and sweeping his legs out from under him. “Then the barkeep made a pass at me and…well…things kinda blew up from there.” “I toldja, I never made a pass atcha!” A stallion wearing a smock, pinned to the floor by a butter knife, shouted. “Then what wazzat winkin’ for, huh!?” She yelled accusingly. “I have a nervous tic, you madmare!” Dash blinked, peering over the counter at the pinned crystal stallion. “Oh shoot, really?” He replied with a few involuntary clicks from the back of his throat and a twitching eye. “Yeah!” “My bad,” she managed to say before yet another thug grabbed her in a headlock. Reacting immediately, Rainbow Dash elbowed him in the gut and grabbed him in a rolling knee bar, trapping his leg in a knee-shattering hold. Another pair of thugs advanced on her as she wrenched her opponent’s leg into complete submission, only for them to drop unconscious to the floor beneath a cloud of streamers and noisemakers. “Of course it shoots streamers,” Twilight mumbled, shaking her head and smiling as Pinkie’s “Party Over” bat smoked in her grip. Shaking off the giggles, she turned a stern glare on her friend. “And Dash, are you really so hot-headed that all it takes is a guy hitting on you to send you flying completely off the handle?” “Hey! He did it while we were haggling over prices! It was very suggestive,” she replied, ears folding back into her mane. It was a weak excuse and she knew it. “Darling, you simply must learn to control your temper,” Rarity sighed, absentmindedly shooting another magical blast over her shoulder and taking out the pair of crystal stallions that had been sneaking up on her. “I gotta agree with yer friend there, li’l lady,” the stallion in Dash’s grip shrugged, pounding her in the jaw with a hoof and using the distraction to pull his leg free. “I mean, from an outside point of view? Kinda makes you look like a hothead.” “Hey, nopony asked you!” She barked, sliding back into a battle stance and setting her jaw back in place. “Besides, it was a misunder…” “Attention, Doyle’s Tavern!” A voice bellowed from outside, magnified by some spell. “This is the Crystal Guard! Cease all hostile activities immediately and exit the building with your hooves in the air!” A groan sounded throughout the room, partially from stallions in pain, partially from disappointment. “Aw man, leave it t’ Five-Oh to spoil the fun!” The stallion facing Dash sighed. Rarity’s jaw dropped. “Fun!?” “Gotta do somethin’ to pass the time around here,” another crystal stallion shrugged, nonchalantly popping his shoulder back into place. “Theatre Corps’ still a mess, and still not a whole lotta work goin’ around, so all that leaves is…” “Drinkin’ and fightin’,” AJ finished with a tiny smile, lending a hoof up to one of the stallions. “My kinda town.” “Dang, and it was a real good fight too,” another stallion sighed, a black hoofmark across his eye. “I mean, seriously, you girls are fantastic!” “Thanks,” Dash said, suppressing a blush as the stallion trotted towards the door. “You guys weren’t half bad either.” “Welp, time to face the music,” the stallion lifted a hoof and pressed against the door, only it didn’t budge. Frowning, he pressed both hooves against it and started pushing with all his might, still with no results. “Stu man, just open it!” A gray-coated stallion from the back sneered. “I’m tryin’!” The stallion yelled, now trying to pull on the handle. Still nothing. “C’mon Stu, this ain’t funny!” The barkeep yelled angrily, having finally freed himself from the floor. “That’s the Crystal Guard outside! You know how club-happy those idiots get!” “I’m trying! I’m seriously trying!” Stu’s teeth were clenched as he visible struggled with the handle, throwing his head back, sweat starting to bead on his forehead. “It’s stuck on somethin’!” “Alright, alright, step aside!” AJ said annoyingly, brushing the stallion to the side and raising her hind hooves against the door. “Ah ain’t met a door yet what can resist a good ol’ Apple family buckin’!” Rearing back, she delivered the most powerful kick she could muster, finally earning a small rattle from somewhere in the frame. The hit reverberated throughout the room and rumbled in everypony’s chest, yet still the door held firm. “Ow, ow,” she limped off, massaging her calves. “Gah, Celestia above, what’s that thing made of, solid steel!?” Twilight shook her head and frowned, scratching at her chin with a hoof. “No, it’s something else. Something’s wrong…” “We repeat, all patrons are to exit the structure with their hooves in the air immediately! You have five minutes to comply!” The ponies all watched nervously as a group of Crystal Guards approached the tavern in battle formation, probing the door experimentally. “Okay, this has gone on long enough,” Rarity said, trying to keep the anxious quiver out of her voice. “Twilight, would you be so kind as to give it a try?” “Gladly,” the Element of Magic strode past the other ponies and glared at the stubborn exit. A look of determination crossed her face as she stared it down like a town sheriff facing off against a desperado out west. Charging up her horn, she easily unleashed a tiny spark of magic, hoping to just test the barricade’s strength. The little spark flitted into the wood and disappeared. Suddenly, a massive green bolt arced out of the door and cracked against her horn, sending the little unicorn flying across the tavern and crashing right through a table. “Twilight!” Her friends screamed, pulling her free of the shattered wood and splinters. She gazed up at them woozily, eyes swiveling in their sockets. “You okay, sugarcube?” Applejack asked, worry saturating her voice. “I-I think so,” Twilight moaned, a hoof reaching up to her head. She winced at the touch. Something was very wrong. “Don’t touch that!” One of the Crystal Stallions shouted, galloping to her side. Carefully, he tilted her head to the side for a better look at the horn, wincing at the smoldering scorch mark on its side. "Aw yeah, it's burnt up pretty bad. I’d give it a few minutes before tryin’ anything with that horn." "Two minutes! You have two minutes to comply!" The crowd inside the bar could only watch as the guardsponies gathered in front of the tavern and readied a massive battering ram: the kind used for breaching castle gates. "Dangit, how come stallions think they gotta use their biggest toys just 'cause they have 'em?" Applejack grumbled at the sight of the huge slab of wood being wheeled towards the door. "More fun that way," the stallion next to her shrugged, holding a frosty mug of cider up to his black eye. "This is your final warning! Exit the building now or face the consequences!” "Alright, y'know what? Forget this," a stallion grumbled, knocking a few mugs to the floor and tossing one of the freshly-cleared tables over his shoulder. "Anypony wanna give me a hoof here?" "Whaddya think yer doin'!?" The barkeep yelled as the first stallion was joined by a few others, plus Rainbow Dash and Applejack. "If we don't do somethin', then the guards'll think we kept 'em out on purpose!" The stallion shouted. "You know these guys: they'll come in here, spears swingin' if we don't let 'em in!" "Buh-but...my bar..." the barkeep whimpered, barely acknowledging Rarity as she ran a comforting hoof along his shoulder. He gazed at the door about to take a battering ram, and the plate-glass window about to meet one of his own tables. "Alright boys, just try t'keep up!" Dash said, grinning with anticipation. "Now, on the count of ten! One..." The stallions readied themselves, staring straight ahead, their makeshift battering ram held firm in their hooves. "Two..." A few stallions held their breaths. Applejack tilted her hat low. "TEN!" Rainbow barked, springing forward. Barely maintaining their balance, the other ponies rushed alongside, the surprise pushing their legs faster than any of them would have thought possible otherwise. The heavy, oaken legs of their ram connected with the glass, and immediately bounced right off, as if they'd just hit solid steel. The entire group was knocked right off their hooves and wound up on their backsides, the table splintered in half, the window still completely unscratched. "Wow-anypony catch the number on that wagon what just hit me?" Dash groaned, picking herself up and shaking the spots out of her eyes. "Dear Celestia," one stallion murmured, prompting a letter-writing flashback from Twilight. The stallion pressed a hoof against the glass. "It's like iron!" "Something's wrong," Twilight said worriedly. "Something's very wrong here." "Ehuh..." one of the crystal ponies ran up to the glass and raised a hoof to it. "Stu want out!" He gasped, smashing his hoof against the window. Not even a scratch. One of his eyes twitched. "Stu! Want! OUT!" He repeated, panic setting in his voice. "Hold it," Twilight said, grabbing his hoof before he could do any damage to himself. "That obviously isn't going to work, and panicking won't get us anywhere. We need to approach this calmly and rationally, or we might as well just be a bunch of rabid mules!" "I, for one, would like to cast my vote in favor of the 'rabid mules' option," the stallion Dash had been fighting when this whole mess had started said, his hoof raised. "I'll second!" The cyan pegasus added cheerfully. "It's not an option!" Twilight barked, rubbing her hooves against her temples. "Look, whatever this is, it's obviously magical in nature, and very powerful magic at that." She pointed to her burnt horn, wincing as her hoof barely touched against it. "Until we can figure out who or what put this spell in place, we should stay in here and wait for the Guards outside to piece things together!" The crystal stallions all stared wide-eyed at her. "Depend on the Crystal Guard to figure things out?" The barkeep snickered. "Yeah, good luck with that." "What do you mean?" "Let's just say the Guard's specialty lies more in the 'beating up drunks and collecting parking fines' department. Figuring stuff out, though..."