"Tia!"
"Luna!"
The Zaibatsu looked on in awe into the room, only just managing to see their stagnant blue and pink manes accompanied by their attentive ears and pointed horns. Inside, both fillies stared wide-eyed at eachother, unable to think of any coherent thing to say to one another in light of this ridiculous, dumb-ass situation that made no fucking sense. Then after an entire stupid long pause of which you fit in the entire soundtrack of Wonderful 101 into before it was over, the two small ponies finally spoke.
And it was the dumbest shit ever.
"You're Adorable!" They said in horribly high-pitched synchronization. They screamed it with absolute mortified expressions etched on their muzzles. Indeed, they were cute...and young. So, very...very young. At least, in appearance.
"What in Tartarus happened?"
"I don't know. Where are we?"
"It looks like-"
And that, ladies and gentlemen is what happens when a lady thinks that a guy's ghost zombie dick is reall-What the fuck? Oh, shit, I'm reading directly off...nevermind. This, everybody, is the moment in time that when Woolie the Liar, confronted by a mind-numbingly stupid and outrageous middle finger to reality, decided to not clench his bowels for the courtesy of others and pretty much, almost, not really but totally did almost shit his pants.
Woolie farted.
And it was loud.
Slowly, every pair of eyes turned to the tallest creature in the room. The abject look of horror that underlined his nervous, toothy smile only made Patrick more willing to murder the giant sack-of-shit. Woolworth's gaze flickered back and forth between his friends before snapping up to stare into the room, where two little alicorns silently watched him like a pair deer caught in the headlights. Their creepy, adorable, over-sized eyes peaked over the walls of the box like two tiny colossal titans. Matt, Liam and Pat steadily turned their gross man bodies to follow Woolie's long, hard stare, where they found their eyes glued to the gaze of the filly princess.
It was an intense moment of silently looking at something horrifying for all that day.
Against all better judgement and much to the shock of his bipedal counterparts, Patrick Von Midget-fucker was the first to speak.
"...Hi?"
"AHHHHH!!"
Celestia snapped to her sister as she let out a blood-curdling scream in that stupid, high voice of hers before she turned tail and took off. Of course, she didn't get very far. Babby Celly rolled her eyes right before Babby Lulu crashed, horn-first into the brown, cardboard walls of the box. The force of her tiny body sent the container toppling on it's side, they both let out a sharp yelp as they were carried along with it. Luna rolled over on her axis and landed outside the box and onto the floor on her back, Celestia smacked her chin on the cardboard and groaned, glaring at her collapsed sister while laying flat on her stomach.
"Damnit, Luna!"
"Uhh, dude?" Liam looked up at his pie-stealing companion, Woolie's eyes of Sauron snapped down to the most yandere of the Zaibatsu. "Let's get the fuck outta here."
"Uhh, yeah." Pat added.
Screaming like the babby bitches they were, the super best friends bolted for the front door with their gross man legs. All except Matt, who just stood there, frozen in awe at the scene playing before him. Not noticing, Pat and Liam crowded around Woolie as his giant, Hulk fist wrapped around the doorknob and with a firm twist...nothing happened.
"What're you doing?"
"It's locked!"
"What the fuck do you mean it's locked?!"
"It's LOCKED!"
"What kind of apartment locks from the inside?!"
"My apartment's stupid!"
"HELL YEAH, IT I-"
"Creature!"
The three spun around to find the most American Canadian in the world slowly back his fat-ass up into the centre of the room, a blank look on his handsome, rugged (So not) features. Much to their terror, out sauntering from the Mailbag room came scampering out the little blue one, glaring up at Matt with an outraged expression. Pat's heart sank to the pit of his giant gut.
"MA-"
"Tell us! Why have you brought us to this place?" She demanded, stamping her adorable little hooves on the ground with her itty-bitty blue wings outstretched.
"Uhhh..."
"Luna, calm down." Rang out another voice, still just as high and annoying but far more composed as the tiny white princess slowly trotted out, looking incredibly weary. "We don't know if-"
"Answer us, Biped!"
Somehow, Matt worked his jaw to speak. "I really don-"
"Sister, I don't think-"
"Now! Or does thou wish to be incinerated?"
Pat's quinty, old man eyes shrunk even tinier at that. "Matt, c'mon!"
Celestia's gaze calmly turned over to the ginger umpa-loopa and the hair on his small body stood on end. Much to his surprise, a thin smile adorned her features, directed at him. "Oh, don't worry about her. She'll settle down, eventually."
Pat instantly dubbed the small princess as a liar as he caught sight of the blue one's horn starting to glow with a swirling aura. Celestia noticed this aswell and instantly felt like a liar.
"Tell us! Why are we here and why are we young again?" Matt tripped over himself and fell flat on his American ass. He looked up just in time to find the small filly on him. Luna pointed her horn menacingly at his head, glaring up at him while trying to pin his fat body down with her tiny hooves. "Now!"
"I don't know!' Matt yelped. "We don't know! Look, we have no idea why you're here, okay? Someone sent you to us! Please don't melt my face! There's still so many boobs to motorboat in the world!"
A flicker of confusion danced across the princesses' faces at that. Luna shook her head briefly. "Do you have a name, beast?"
He gulped with a nod. "Matt."
"You're saying you found us?" She asked, eyeing him down.
"Uh-huh!"
"See, Luna?" The ivory princess spoke up, stepping up to the two. "They're not the ones responsible." She gave a slight nod and turned to the other three refusing to move away from the exit. "I don't believe we've been properly introduced. My name is Celestia, may I ask what you are all called?"
By now, Woolie had found the key to the apartment lazily sitting in his pocket. His fingers brushed against the cold metal tentatively as he stared at the alicorn in front of them.
"I'm Liam." The fucking otaku answered after a moment's hesitation.
"...Pat." Said the slightly evolved orangutan.
Shitlocks just sighed and lifted his other hand in a calm wave. "Hi. I'm Woolie."
"I assume this is just as...odd, shall we say, for you as it is for us?" She asked, her smiling never wavering.
"Oh, you have no idea." Pat groaned.
"May I ask, just where are we?"
"Ummm, Alexis Nihon." Celestia's head tilted at that. "Canada?"
Tia sighed and closed her eyes. "Clearly we are no longer in Equestria."
"Clearly." Luna added, quietly.
"Well, you wouldn't happen to have any clue as to how we came about to popping up here? And...like this?" Celestia looked down at her hooves, where her usual golden adorning slippers would be was replaced by a hoof she hadn't seen in eons, it seemed.
"Not a one." Pat answered.
Silence held over everyone's head after that for a moment. It was broken by an enraged growl escaping the cerulean alicorn's throat. "You're lying!"
All heads snapped to her as her horn lit up brighter in Matt's face, she bared her teeth at him, as if he were the cause of all of this. There needed to be somepony, somepony to blame and there wasn't anyone else more suspicious then these bipedal...things. They could play dumb all they wanted, she was going to get some answers.
Matt's features dropped in terror at the little blue pony. "Luna, stop!" Cried her sister.
"Talk!"
Matthew McMuscles squeezed his eyes shut. "I don't know anything!"
"Tis a lie!"
Pat's fists balled. "Get offa him, you-"
"Silence, small one!" He stopped right as she snapped her tiny spear at him, threateningly. Turning back to the darkly dressed one, she moved her horn closer to his unshaven muzzle. "Speak!"
"But I already told yo-"
"Then you leave me no choice." She said darkly as her horn shone even brighter.
Celestia's eyes widened. "No, Luna! Wai-"
"No, no, no!"
"Matt!"
"NO!"
Luna's horn broke out in a shower of sparks, exploding in a bright flash of white as Matt's body convulsed in volts of lightning pulsing through his body. Pat, Liam and Woolie watched in horror as their friend was brutally electrocuted in front of them by a pony. Patrick fell to his knees, looking on at the sight. Millions of images jumped in his mind's eye as he stared at his friend dying there in the room. He never even got to...never told him just how much he...
"...HAHAHAAHA!"
...hated that stupid laugh of his.
Everyone's brains slowly processed the scene playing out before them. Luna's jaw dropped as her eyes widened. Matt lay there beneath her, his mouth opened wide in a loud fit of chortling. Lightning danced across his frame as he rolled around, knocking her off of him, clutching his sides.
"Stop! S-stop it! It hurts!" He laughed uncontrollably.
In a chorus of blatant confusion, the three men and princesses alike all spoke out in synchronization. "...Wha...?"
Luna's spell ceased and the sparks were gone, the magic seeping back into her horn as Matt opened his eyes, tears dripping from them. "Ohhh, man." He sniffed. "That was...that was different." That goofy smile never fell off his stupid face.
She didn't understand. The creature was supposed to be begging her for mercy or dead right about now. Just what went wrong? Her head shot up at the realization. Looking down at herself, Luna found that her face was barely a foot off the ground. She internally smacked herself hard at that. Of course, like the body of a filly could hold enough magical prowess to successfully electrocute somepony, let alone whatever this Matt was. Luna felt the name was distasteful. What kind of parent would name their child after a small rug?
Luna started to become insulted. How dare he laugh at her? A princess. She eyed his form with malice. The princess of the night! She would show him. Luna's mouth slowly opened, baring her flat teeth. She wasn't his joke to be laughed at!
"Ow!" Matt suddenly stopped laughing as he felt a sharp pain in his arm. Looking down, he found the same blue pony holding his forearm in a vice-like grip between her jaws. "Ow..." He felt her teeth clench harder around his flesh. "OW!" He bolted up to his feet. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!!"
"Luna, what in Tartarus are you doing?!"
"Grrr." She growled with her mouth full.
"Get 'er off! Get 'er off!" Matthew yelped, waving his around frantically. She didn't even flinch as her body was thrown about wildly.
"Matt!" Pat rushed in, his friend spun around to see his short friend.
"Get 'er off, dude!"
Patrick bared his teeth. "Just...Hold still!" Matt turned his arm toward the ginger midget and watched in anticipation as his tiny babby hands wrapped around the princess's small frame. "C'mon!" Pat gave a firm pull, only prompting Luna to growl louder around Matthew's arm.
"Dude!"
"I'm tryin'!"
"GRRRRRR!"
The force of Celestia's hoof crashing into her face could've moved mountains.
"Got 'er!" Pat yelled in triumph as he gave another firm tug on the alicorn, hearing her yelp as her jaws were forcibly ripped from Matt's arm, much to the patriot's relief. He rubbed the spot where she bit like the babby he was while Pat struggled to keep the princess in his stubby paws. She kicked and cursed at him and he had a strong urge to just throw the little bitch out the window, see if those wings of her's weren't just for show. However, before he could, the little pony spun around in his grip and extended her hoof out to smack his stupid bearded face.
"Argh!" He cried out. Those damn things were hard. It was like getting turkey slapped by The Thing...not the shape-shifting alien, the orange rock man...actually, each of those scenarios are equally horrifying.
"Unhoof me, cretin!"
"Why don't you make me, cunt!?"
That's when Pat was assaulted by the same electricity Matt had been exposed to and that's when the world was subjugated to the horrible, horrible noise that was his horrible, horrible laughing.
"AHHHHAhahahahaAHA!"
Luna grinned briefly and gave his scraggly beard another firm smack. His head went to the side with a pained groan. His babby hands loosened around her body and she lunged forward, opening her mouth again and biting down on the crook of his neck. He cried out in searing pain and flailed around like...well, there was really comparison to make, he might as well have just blazed his own trail there with the way he was doing it. Points for originality.
Celestia frowned, sighed and casually worked into the kitchen. She was awfully thirsty and wanted to see if the bipeds had anything to drink. Preferably something alcoholic.
Matt sat back down, not really looking at anything as he rubbed his arm like a bitch.
"Hey, you fucks! Help me!" Pat screamed.
Something deep inside his dreads snapped that day as he watched his ginger pal get om-nom-nommed upon by a tiny blue pony. That little bitch had attacked them out of nowhere. They hadn't anything to do with anything and what does she do? She bites his friends! As he watched the angriest of the Zaibatsu run around like a mad man, he began muttering to himself.
"...track by a starving beast...looking for his daily feast..." Woolie pushed past the ever-silent Liam. "...the predator on the verge of death...comes to his last breath...."
Pat grabbed hold of the alicorn and yanked her off of him. She screeched for a moment before he let out a roar, throwing her to the side of the room. She landed with a thud and rolled on her side as he collapsed on the couch opposite of Matt, clutching his shoulder. Luna propped herself back on her hooves, crouched close to the ground and hissed at them as if she were a cat. Her eyes flickered from Pat to the taller, darker creature sauntering up to her. She looked up and down his fat, gross body and growled again as she saw his bulging, Hulk fists ball up.
"...getting close to his last breath..."
For the second time that day, Woolie knew it was time...to LET 'ER RIP!
Luna hissed again sharply and scampered over to Woolsworth before she kicked herself up with her surprisingly strong hind legs, coming face to face with him . They mirrored eachother's movements, reeling back their fists/hooves up back. They locked eyes in an epic cross-counter for the ages. Man and pony, squaring off in a duel of fates!
Isn't that just the hypest shit?
"RULES OF NATURE!!"
Celestia had found a banana, using her magic to peel it, she munched on the delicious fruit and watched the absolute stupidest shit in the universe play out before her.