//------------------------------// // A Bajillion Schofields // Story: Above All Else // by 8686 //------------------------------// The warm, golden rays of the morning sun streamed through the clear glaze of the farmhouse window, falling softly onto the green, apple-decorated bed linen and the comfortable sleeping pony beneath. Dust motes glinted and floated lazily in the shaft of light, disturbed only by the faintest of breezes that carried forth the fresh, crisp scent of early spring. Outside, birds chirruped happily, but within the quiet room the only sound was of soft, gentle breathing and the faint rustling of bedclothes as Applejack, cosy and peaceful, reluctantly left sleep behind and returned to the world once more. A faint, contented smile fell upon her lips as she slowly woke. She instinctively stretched her legs, back and neck, and made a protracted, undignified noise somewhere between a moan and a grunt, noting in the meantime that there was something wrong with the way her hindlegs were moving. Sluggish, as though some heavy, warm weight were pressing on them. Her smile grew as she relaxed from her stretch, and only then did she slowly open her eyes. The sun was well up and she'd missed the rooster crow, which made her smile a little more. The cold morning breeze wafting faintly through her slightly-open window suggested that, while winter had officially been over for a week now, spring was still having a little trouble making itself heard. She pulled her thick, warm covers up a little higher, cosied down, and seriously considered rolling over and having another hour in bed. Why not? Today she could, so why shouldn't she? There were no chores for her to do. No errands to run. Winter Wrap Up was well over and harvest season was safely on the far side of the year. She had no obligations and no plans, and that was just how she liked it when her days off occasionally rolled around. But, much as she liked the thought, she couldn't just roll over and go back to sleep. Partly because her days off were too precious to waste. And partly because she couldn't roll over. Not without disturbing the soft, warm weight still resting on her hindlegs somewhere down towards the foot of the bed. With great effort, she raised her head, craned her neck... and was met with a familiar sight. "Mornin', Winona," said Applejack blearily, watching the sleeping canine's ears instinctively perk. Her faithful companion was curled up at the bottom of the bed, and now she woke slowly and yawned. Then, with an energy possessed only by border-collies – and certain pink party ponies – Winona was up on her paws and leaping for her, tail wagging and making to lick her face. "Winona!" Applejack cried, laughing as she tried fruitlessly to keep the sloppy tongue from her cheeks. "You know ya ain't supposed to sleep on the bed. Come on, get down." Gently, Applejack pushed her down onto the floor. Despite the rebuke – if that's really what it was – Winona looked back up at Applejack, panting happily, tail still wagging, and unsure whether she wanted to sit, stand, or run around like a mad thing. Applejack smiled down at her. It was funny. They didn't speak the same language, but Applejack always knew exactly what she was saying. Hooray! You're awake! Let's go play! Come on! Let's go play, Applejack! "Okay girl, hold yer horses, I'm comin'," said Applejack, finally finding the courage to leave the covers. She dropped down from the bed onto her hooves and gave Winona a friendly scratch behind the ears. Then she reached for the red mane and tail bands on her nightstand, her hooves working with practised ease to secure them in place. As she tied her mane back, she noticed that the chirping birds from outside had almost completely stopped, and instead the pleasant natural ambience had been replaced by another noise. It sounded like a voice. A staccato three-syllable call coming from somewhere outside, and as Applejack swiveled and strained her ears, she finally made out the words. "Rain-Bow-Dash! Rain-Bow-Dash! Rain-Bow-Dash! Thank-you, thank-you!" followed by a loud, guttural throat-noise that was clearly designed to imitate an applause, and did so poorly. Applejack approached her bedroom window and looked down. Below her, in the space near the front of the farmhouse, and in full view, Rainbow Dash stood behind a rectangular fold-away table covered in a white table-cloth and upon which was resting a traditional silver serving platter, covered by a classic domed lid. Dash herself was strutting, bowing and preening to nopony at all, and then she began once more cheering herself on. For an instant she looked up and made eye-contact with Applejack and for a moment her smile seemed to brighten – though it was so fleeting Applejack wasn't sure she'd seen it right. Then Dash was back posing as though she hadn't even noticed her. "Come on, Winona," said Applejack with her own smile, retrieving her Stetson from its hook on the wall and casually flipping it atop her head. "Let's go see what this is all about." There was a reason she never made plans for her days off. Some meddling pegasus usually dictated exactly how she'd be spending her time. * * * No sooner had the front door opened than Winona was out like a shot, sprinting furiously towards the suddenly-surprised pegasus and her table of mystery. Applejack, it's Rainbow Dash! Look Applejack, Rainbow Dash! I love it when we play with Rainbow Dash! Can we play with Rainbow Dash? Come on Applejack, let's play with Rainbow Dash! Walking slowly from the farmhouse, Applejack watched as Winona stopped at Dash's hooves and began jumping up, trying to lick her face, bursting with energy. Of all her friends, for some reason, Dash was always the one that got Winona the most excited when she came by the farm. Look, Rainbow Dash! I brought Applejack!  Let's play together! The outside air was fresh and cold, and a thin mist lay low over the grass of the nearby orchard, mingling between the apple trees and giving the dew-covered fields a peaceful, ethereal appearance. Over the hard packed earth near the farmhouse where Rainbow had set her table up though, the pleasant sunshine had already had a chance to burn the mist away and the ground itself was nicely warm underhoof. Applejack reached the table and stopped, standing on the opposite side of it from Rainbow Dash who was suddenly very distracted. "Winona, come on! Cut it out!" she laughed, giving the dog some fuss but still utterly failing to keep the slobbering tongue from her face. Then, Winona raced away to the grass border with the orchard, to beneath one of the nearest apple-trees, and returned with a short, thick stick clutched in her mouth. She dropped it at Dash's hooves and looked up hopefully. "Oh," said Dash with a playful smirk. "You want me to throw the stick?" Yes please, Rainbow Dash! Throw the stick!  Winona's tail wagged furiously and her eyes positively gleamed. "You want me to throw it really far?" Dash's smile increased. Yes, please! Throw it really far, Rainbow Dash! I'll find it! I'll bring it back! Then Applejack can throw it and we'll all be playing! Throw it really far, Rainbow Dash! "Okay. You asked for it." With a lengthy wind up and a mighty heave, Rainbow Dash hurled the stick skywards in the direction of the orchard. It arced and dropped, becoming nothing more than a speck as it found its way below the treeline with a faint rustle. Winona was off faster than a stone from a slingshot, sprinting headlong into the trees and the low mist, determined to find the stick and return it. Rainbow Dash clearly needed that stick back, and she wasn't going to let her down! "She'll be a little while," grinned Dash, finally turning back to the table, and Applejack. "What took you so long? I've been waiting out here forever." "Mornin' to you too, Dash," said Applejack. She'd meant to meet her gaze with a playful smirk of her own, but instead found herself breaking into a wide yawn as her body tried to rid itself of the last vestiges of a sleep so recently and reluctantly departed. "Kinda early, ain't it?" she asked. For herself, getting out of bed an hour after sunrise was a luxurious lie-in, but by Rainbow Dash's standards, this was crack-of-dawn stuff. "Not for this," said Dash, her grin growing as she indicated the covered platter on the table. "This is it, Applejack. You and me are finally gonna settle which one of us is the most daring pony in Ponyville! And, I dunno if you heard the crowd earlier, but they're pretty much all cheering for Rainbow Dash." "Uh huh?" replied Applejack. She raised an eyebrow, but couldn't keep the smallest grin from her face. Applejack didn't know how, but Rainbow Dash walked a magnificent tightrope. Had any other pony in Equestria come to her door and challenged her to start doing foolish things in the name of proving herself, she'd send them packing right quick. But with Dash, it was just... different somehow. Rainbow had always had a weird way of getting just far enough under her skin to rile her up and get her competitive itch going, but she always stopped just short of saying anything to actually anger or upset her. Applejack-baiting was a skill which seemed to come naturally to Rainbow Dash, almost as though it were instinct, and in the past the workhorse had done some incredibly fool-pony things because of it. She'd loved doing them too... but she'd never admit that. She liked to think she gave almost as good as she got though. With a glance at the serving dish, she finally found her own smirk. "Yer gonna prove you're the bravest pony round these parts by servin' me breakfast?" "Hey!" shouted Dash. She put on a scowl. "This is serious business, Applejack. The final showdown. Right here, right now. We're gonna settle this once and for all." "With silverware?" Applejack lost none of her playfully sarcastic grin. "With these!" Rainbow retorted, her own grin reforming. She whipped the lid from the serving platter in an obviously-practised flourish to reveal two surprisingly small, innocuous green vegetable-looking things lying side by side. Applejack looked down, then back up at Rainbow Dash. She suddenly had a pretty bad idea where this was going. "Peppers?" she inquired. "Not just any peppers," said Rainbow Dash eagerly. "The hottest peppers in all of Equestria. The guy at the market told me that how hot a pepper is depends on how many Schofields it has, and each one of these babies has about a bajillion in them! They're super-rare. It's taken me a whole month to save up enough for these." In spite of herself, Applejack's grin grew. She never usually liked to make fun but again, somehow with Dash, it was different. Giving her cocky pegasus friend a hard time was practically an obligation. Someone had to let the air out of her ego every once in a while. What if it inflated too much and just... carried her away forever? It was Applejack's job to keep Dash's hooves on the ground and... well sometimes Dash just made it too easy. "Wow, Dash. A bajillion Schofields, you say?" "Yep!" said Dash with a confident grin. "That sure is a lotta Schofields, Dash," she said, her own grin rising. "Would ya say it's a... plethora of Schofields?" "Are you kidding? It's like, ten plethoras of Schofields! The guy said there's more Schofields in these peppers than any other peppers in the world!" "That's amazin'. I ain't never heard of a pepper with so many Schofields in it," said Applejack, leaning across the table closer to Dash. "Ya know why?" "Uh... n–no?" said Dash, no doubt sensing a trap and her smile suddenly fading uncertainly. "Cuz there ain't no such thing as a Schofield." Applejack winked triumphantly. "Scovilles, Dash. Pepper heat is measured in Scovilles. And for the record, there ain't no such number as a bajillion either." Watching Dash go from frustrated to annoyed while trying desperately to find carefree nonchalance was just priceless! Within the space of a moment, Dash had blinked, frowned, ground her teeth, even did a quick double-take at the peppers on the table. Then she was looking back at Applejack. "I knew that! I just... wanted to make sure you knew it." Applejack laughed. Dash was certifiably the worst liar ever, and she loved that about her. Most ponies who lied, did so because they thought they could get away with it. But she was certain by now that when Dash lied, it was only because she knew she couldn't. Like it was her strange way of admitting she was wrong while at the same time, not appearing to admit anything of the sort. Dash finally managed to smooth out the dent in her pride, and her gaze was once more with Applejack. "Anyway. You. Me. Red-hot chilli peppers, and this bucket of water." On cue, Rainbow bent and used her mouth to raise a steel bucket filled with clear water from beneath the table. She set it down to her right, on the very end of the tabletop. "First pony to chicken out and drink the water loses. And the winner – that's me by the way – becomes the official Most Daring Pony of Ponyville! You game?" Her confident smirk was back now, her eager eyes locked with Applejack's. Applejack felt her competitive itch rising again. There was just something about Dash's confidence, how she carried herself, how she was apparently so certain she was going to win, that made Applejack determined to beat her at whatever challenge she threw down. But today that urge was tempered with a cautious note. "Dash? Have you ever actually eaten a pepper before?" "Uh, yeah!" said Dash, as though offended. "I mean, I've had 'em on, like, pizza and stuff." "I ain't talkin' about your regular, run o' the mill peppers like we grow on the farm. I mean a real hot pepper. Cuz all I'm sayin' is... this ain't gonna be as fun as you think." "Hello? Most daring pony, remember?" Then her face softened. "But... that's okay Applejack," she said in an oddly gentle tone. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to. I know you must be really... ohmygoshApplejackwhatthehayisthat?!" she cried, pointing her hoof at... the space between Applejack's legs? Applejack craned her neck downwards, confused. Then looked back up at Dash. "What?" "Huh? Oh. Nah. Thought I saw something on your stomach there for a sec is all. Like a really wide streak of yellow." "What!?" yelled Applejack, incensed. "Are you callin' me a cowar–!" "It's okay though," Dash continued without breaking stride. "I'm pretty sure it's gone now." The smirk was back in full force as Dash brazenly picked one of the peppers from the dish and held it on her hoof. Applejack glared at Dash, and even as she automatically scooped the other up. Even as she saw Rainbow pop hers into her mouth... and even as she followed suit... she couldn't help but reflect once more on just how good Dash was at it. She was eating the dang pepper, but she still hadn't been left angry or upset. Only determined to beat that cocky pegasus. Then it dawned on her that she might just be eating one of the hottest peppers ever grown, and she braced herself for the worst. It wasn't so bad, actually. A little hot, sure, but nothing like the hottest she'd ever eaten. She chewed and swallowed and watched with a grim satisfaction as Rainbow seemed to struggle to do the same. The pegasus was already showing signs of discomfort, and possibly even regret. Her eyes darted, she shuffled uncomfortably, and then she looked down and began breathing shallow mouth-breaths. A moment later her eyes became fixated on the bucket placed a few short steps away at the end of the table, gazing reverently at it like it was the answer to all her prayers. Then she looked back to Applejack with a frown and resolutely refused to move from the spot. Applejack, for her part, just looked on. It really wasn't so bad... Her eyes widened. No. It was bad. It was very, very bad. The heat didn't build, it surged, as though her throat and tongue and sinuses had all run headlong into a wall of fire. Sudden involuntary, thick tears came to her eyes and she began to sweat badly even in spite of the chill. Applejack was breathing shallowly herself now, trying to draw the still-cool morning air into her mouth in the hope of some relief, but it did nothing. Oh, dear sweet Celestia, if she'd eaten the sun it wouldn't be this hot! The whole inside of her mouth burned like she'd gargled acid. Her throat was melting, her tongue was made of flame, and in spite of herself, she found herself slowly edging leftwards, towards the promised relief of the bucket. Through the tears in her eyes, she saw Dash was already doing the same, almost matching her movements. Then, in seconds, they were both eye-to-eye opposite each other at the end of the table, teeth gritted, the bucket of pure, cool water between them and tantalisingly close. Applejack's entire world was pain now. Her brain could comprehend nothing but the heat. All of existence was as fire and would be forever more. But as she stared Dash down over the bucket through tear-filled eyes, she refused to give in. Her mind began to shut down, and her whole being became distilled to two thoughts. To make the pain stop, she needed to drink the water. But to beat Dash, she had to wait. She clung to the last vestiges of her resolve to the bitter end until finally her body, entering panic and deciding that her pesky, stubborn consciousness was no longer helping its survival, snapped and handed the reins to instinct instead. Several things happened at once. Applejack lunged for the bucket. But instead of the feeling of cool, sweet water on her lips and soothing her mouth, she was rewarded instead with a painful knock as her head collided with Dash's, who had moved at the same exact time. They both recoiled dizzily and stared the other down again for a second of pure agony, each now realising they were on the cusp of winning. At the same time there was a rapidly approaching scampering as Winona, stick triumphantly in mouth, pelted out of the orchard towards the table, and suddenly had to dodge Rainbow Dash's shifting hooves as she regained her balance after her cranial collision. The agile canine adeptly avoided accidentally being stepped on, but knocked heavily against one of the folding table-legs beneath the bucket as she skidded to a stop. The flimsy joint broke. The leg collapsed. The table pitched. The bucket fell. The water spilled onto the ground and soaked into the dry earth, turning it instantly to mud. Applejack and Rainbow Dash screamed in horror. Rainbow Dash was down on the ground immediately, making to scoop as much of the wet, mushy dirt into her mouth, crying and desperate for relief. But Applejack, watching her friend, knew it would do no good. She dragged Dash back to her hooves. "Foh-owe me!" she just about managed to say, though her mouth and tongue were numb from the pain. She galloped towards the barn, Rainbow Dash in tow and Winona alongside, enthusiastic and eager to see what this new game was. They reached the rear of the building where a length of coiled hosepipe lay, one end attached to a brass tap on the wall. Applejack raced to the tap, and Rainbow Dash started to wrestle frantically with the length of hose. Applejack had to apply all of her conscious effort to simply turning the thing on because she could barely even see it, her eyes were watering so badly. Nor could she feel it, as the only sensation her mind was choosing to process was the pain from the furnace in her maw. Finally the tap rotated and she heard the familiar, glorious sound of water rushing forth into the hosepipe. She turned to look at Dash, who had just about gotten the end untangled as the promised water burst forth. But instead of drinking herself, Dash grabbed the end of the pipe between her forehooves and thrust it desperately toward Applejack. Applejack opened her mouth, allowing Dash to pour the water in and... oh... it was heavenly. The fire went from a roaring inferno to a subtle smoulder instantly and she nearly collapsed from the relief. Then the water was gone as Rainbow Dash plunged the end of the hose into her own mouth and drank deeply with a look of immense satisfaction. But without the constant, relieving flow of cold liquid the fire began to rise again. The two friends quietly sat, sharing the hosepipe between them for several wordless minutes, both of them fussing over Winona in the meanwhile. Applejack scratched her behind the ears, and Rainbow Dash rubbed her belly. When the heat in their mouths was finally quenched for good, Applejack gave Winona a much-appreciated drink, and at last shut the water off. Receiving a quick glance from Dash, she watched as the pegasus stood and stalked away, back over to the fallen table and its new associated debris. Rainbow looked down at it and after a few more moments of silence, she spoke. "Okay. That... was pretty dumb." "Eeyup," agreed Applejack, stepping up beside her. Dash sat and scooped up the silver lid of the serving dish from the ground, turning it over in her hooves. It had fallen from the table onto a small rock, hitting it at just the right angle to give it a large, ugly dent at the top near the handle. "Aw, man. Rarity's gonna kill me," she groaned. She turned the lid this way and that, hoping that the damage was just a trick of the light or something, but no. It was obvious. "She almost wasn't gonna let me borrow this. I promised I'd be super-careful." "It was just an accident, Dash. She'll come round." "Totally gonna kill me." Dash sighed and put the lid down. Then her gaze found the fallen bucket and her 'working-things-out' frown appeared. Applejack noticed her looking, saw her brow furrow, and had a pretty good idea what she was thinking. "Just so we're clear, Rainbow," she said, "You ain't claimin' you won that." Dash slumped and the frown was replaced by a resigned look. "Nah. I guess not. But... I didn't lose either, so... we tied?" "Tied," Applejack confirmed with a firm nod. "Tied. Again." Then the frown was back, but more resolute now. "Urgh! Everything we do! I mean... how does this keep happening? We tied at the running of the leaves..." "–For last place, Dash..."  "We tied for Most Daring Pony–" "I still take issue with some o' the score keepin' on that..." "We even tied at this, and this was supposed to be the decider! After everything we've done, we still don't know which of us is the fastest! Or the bravest! Or the most..." She trailed off, the thoughtful frown back again. Then she muttered under her breath. "Most daring...?" Applejack looked at Dash for a moment. "Dash? Is it really that impor–?" "That's it!" Suddenly Dash was off her hooves and onto her wings, her eyes wide and bright. "Okay, don't move! I'll be right back!" Then she was gone, vanishing into the air in a puff of dust, leaving a faint, multi-coloured contrail behind her. Applejack watched in surprise as Rainbow abruptly soared into the sky and vanished from sight. Then, after a moment fruitlessly scanning the skies, looked down and saw the mess she'd left behind... A half-collapsed table with one corner digging into the dirt; a ruined, soaked white table-cloth, torn where it had  somehow snagged on the corner of the table when it fell; an overturned, empty bucket covered in mud; and one of Rarity's finest serving dishes, newly dented and also covered in mud. "Gee, Rainbow, sure was nice to see ya. And hey, thanks for leavin' all this stuff dumped right here," she muttered as she dutifully began to gather up the debris. She picked up the serving platter first, and sighed. "Guess I get to be the one who tells Rarity about her dish too, huh?"