//------------------------------// // Chapter 40: Guess Who~? // Story: Vocaloid in Equestria: beta session // by DerpyStarlet //------------------------------// I awoke from yet another lovely slumber in an overly soft bed at, what I could only assume, was some time before nine am. Skillessly hoping off the bed, I decide to forgo the much unwashed clothes I had arrived in in favour of giving myself an alchemical bath. Stripping off the singular pair of panties and bra that were on me, I began transmuting the air around me into a bathtub filled with water. After causing a small tornado due to the air all rushing into one spot, I applied the new pyromantic knowledge I had gleaned last night to heat the water to a comfortable temperature. I then dive bombed the bathtub, using my aeromancy to prevent the room from getting soaked. Settling into the bath, I began to run mild electric currents through it to both electrolyse the water and to ionise any dirt or mess on me. Also because I could. After several minutes in my improvised bath, I hopped out, as clean as I could be bothered to get. Looking at the only pair of clothes I owned, I decided to burn them and make myself a much better pair, least of all because they smelled terrible. After much fire and repressing of maniac laughter, I set about making my self a new set of clothes. Taking a look at the bathtub full of water, I flick my fingers and dissolve it into a pile of carbon and various heavy metals. Not entirely sure of any interesting materials I could use to make my new clothes, I decided to hop over to the saddle bag full of science things I had. After fishing around for a bit, I pulled out several books, each one detailing different alloys and compounds. Sitting down cross legged, I began perusing the books. After twenty minutes I had decided of what to make my new clothes out of: Silicon-Carbon nanotube laced silk, all with a nice near skin-tight figure. Walking over to the mirror I looked at my new outfit, a black form fitting shirt and a pair of black pants, alongside some black socks and a pair of black gloves I made in the event of cold weather. Not liking the lack of a diverse colour palette, I began patterning various patterns and colours onto the clothes with dye made from the air. Taking another look at my clothes I decried them good enough, having patterned a series of pink arcane runes over the shirt and changed it to white while also turning the pants blue and trimming them in gold. Picking up my atomic disassembler, I unbound my door and left, rebinding it behind me. Walking into the dining room, in time to see a throng of incredibly surprised ponies. "What're you doing up so early?" Celestia asked, spoon of oatmeal half levitated to her mouth. "Duelling Blueblood to the death at nine. Now what is there to eat?" I asked as I sat down at a free seat, which also had the blue balled bastards name in front of it. I turned it into a muffin. Eating my newly made muffin I stared at Celestia. "I see you visited a tailor last night?" Celestia asked, slightly unnerved by my continual staring. "Made it myself this morning with alchemy and scientific knowledge." "Oh... Uh is it comfortable?" She asked, a bead of sweat dripping down her face at I somehow stared at her even harder. "I suppose, it is silk after all." I replied. "Hohohohoho!" I heard a nasally voice whine out. "What good will silk do you when you are facing me in the arena?" Blueblood sneered. "It also has science, a concept your brain is too underdeveloped to understand, much less comprehend, that enables it to resist temperatures of up to one thousand degrees celsius, makes it resistant to massive directional force, and tear resistant." I explained. "Ha, I know science! Four plus four is apple, three minus two is pineapple, and seven divide zero is fish!" Blueblood proudly stated. I was laughing so hard that I fell off my chair, and guffaws and giggles echoing across the room. "How can anyone be so stupid?" I gasped out. "Four plus four is eight, three minus two is one, and seven divide zero is zero, you fucking moron!" I laughed out at Blueblood, whilst all the nobles stared at me. "No! That's not true! Auntie hired the best tutors she could for me!" Blueblood whined. "No she didn't, you fucking retard." I Said between chuckles from the floor. "I don't think he was referring to me, Dubious." Celestia said. "I know, and that makes it even funnier!" I said, breaking out into a new fit of laughter. "No matter! As soon as we start our duel, your impertinence will be no more." Blueblood harrumphed. "I'm laughing too hard to come up with a good insult, so can someone else throw one at him?" I called from the floor still giggling like mad. "Hows about: You are an insufferable whinge bag who never knew a day of hard work since the day you were born?" A noble suggested. "... You cunt." He added at the end. "How dare you! I shall have you imprisoned as soon as auntie hears about this!" Blublood snivelled out. "I'm right here, and I view this as acceptable trash talking for before the duel." Celestia said, sighing at the scene in front of her. "Okay, I'm all better now." I said as I got up off the floor and sat back down. "Also, I learnt a nifty trick or seventy last night, so this duel is so mine I can taste it." I gloated. I then turned to Celestia, who was busying her self not knowing either me or Blueblood. "Hey Celestia, when I finish this duel, can I have some premises to base a business out of?" I asked her. "Very well, but only if you win." Celestia said. "Kinda need to if I want to use them, ya know, the whole to the death thing?" "Oh, I see he challenged you to a traditional duel. Very well, I shall give you a location to start your own business from should you win." "Sweet, once I atomize Bluebitch I'll need to brush up on Equestrian law. Should only take me two hours." Once I said that I hopped out of the chair and casually walked out of the room and towards areas unknown. Until Luna stood on my foot. "MOTHERFUCKER THAT HURTS!" I yelled out at the top of my lungs. "I did not know you could use the Royal Canterlot voice." Luna said in shock. "You stood on my foot, can you even comprehend how much that hurts?" I hissed out as I furiously rubbed my foot to dull the pain. "No?" Luna asked. Deciding I needed shoes, I turned part of the floor into a pair of comfortable steel capped boots. "Why did you do that to the floor?" Luna asked. "Because I needed shoes, and now I have them. Consider the floor payment for stepping on my foot." I said as I continued on my way. After a while of wondering, I came across a pony maid dusting a statue. Deciding that the maids outfit was unnecessary, I casually transmogrified it into a pink tutu before quickly sand crabbing away from the confused maid. Having performed a minor-ish prank, I went about locating the royal archives for some illicit, public information reading. Upon finding the building, I approached the doors, only to have my way barred by two guards. "Why'd you block me?" I asked, to which I received no answer. "Say nothing if you want me to turn your armor into bunny suits." I stated. When they didn't respond, I once again transmogrified some apparel into something else. Turning on my heel, I left the two bunny suit wearing guards in their stations, having also turned the tips of their spears into rabbits feet. Not entirely knowing the time, I began to look for the arena, wouldn't do to be late for curb stomping Blueblood. After searching the castle grounds I eventually decided to head towards the rather obvious sound of cheering voices. My common sense proved to be the most useful asset ever when it turned out I was heading towards the arena. Upon approaching the arena I was confronted by a very irate Blueblood. "You're late." "A wizard is never late or early, they arrive precisely when they mean to." I tell him as I walk past him. "You're three minutes late for my victory!" Blueblood screeched. "Whatever, get in there so I can murder you." I call back to him as I enter the arena. After circumnavigating the internals of the arena, I stepped into a room full of weapons and pony shaped armors. And Luna. "Dubious, are you sure you want to duel Blueblood? You won't win." Luna pleaded. "I can win. After all, I have chemical warfare on my side." I smugly replied. "Chemical warfare? What is that?" Luna asked. "You might see." I tell her as I transmute pretty much everything in the room into hydrogen which I then direct outside with my aeromancy and hide underground with a combination of geomancy and alchemy. "Well I just added another point in my favour." I said as I exited the room and entered the wide open area of the arena. As I stepped out onto the sandy ground of the arena, I looked around at all the ponies cheering from the stands. Looking around I saw why, no Blueblood. Taking an arbitrary spot in the arena, I waited for Blueblood to enter the ring so I could murder him. As soon as he entered, half the arena cheered for him. The opulently wealthy half I noted. "I see you are too savage to even conform to standard duelling traditions." Blueblood harrumphed. "I am SO glad I don't have to resist the urge to disembowel you with a rusty spoon." I retorted, forming my hands into pistol shapes, two fingers curled, two extended, with my thumbs above the extended fingers. Turning towards where Celestia was seated I saw her approaching a podium in front of her seat. "I, Princess Celestia, princess of Equestria, hereby declare this duel begun!" She called out. Immediately Blueblood cast a shield around himself. In reply I pointed my pistol hands at him and mimed firing, each 'shot' launching a fist sized ball of fire at him. He merely smirked as my assault harmlessly exploded on his shield. "Is that all you have, savage?" He sneered, to which I merely kicked the ground with my foot, launching a car sized hunk of rock at him. As he dodged I begin pelting him with decent sized fireballs, which caused him to have to keep dodging before re-erecting his shield, his haughty smirk returning. "I see you can throw rocks like a savage." He taunted before firing a lance of golden magic at me with I casually sidestepped. "And I see you have the accuracy of a blind rat." I countered, barraging him with even more fireballs. "I see you are a one trick monkey after all." Blueblood said. Not one to take insults against my species, perceived or deliberate, I brought both my hands to each side of myself and launched them forward into a cup shape, a massive bolt of lightning streaking out and impacting Bluebloods shield, causing it to visibly flicker. In retaliation he began launching salvos of golden lances at me, which I dodged with a little effort. Boosting my speed with a burst of wind, I rocketed towards him with my atomic disassembler at the ready, already swinging for his head as I arrived. On instinct he wheeled back to avoid the large atomizing mass hurtling towards his head. Continuing on with my swing, I transferred the sideways force of the swing into a twirl which I used to deliver what would've been a devastating blow had it connected. Jetting backwards from the now annoyed Blueblood, I let a confident smirk show. "At least I'm not a pansy herbivorous pony." I shot at him, much to his, quite obvious, rage. "How dare you insult me that way! Ponies are far more superior to whatever malformed money abomination you are!" He shouted at me. At his insult I merely let loose a dark sounding laugh. "Hahahaha." I unnervingly laughed. "Killing you is equal to the negative karma one gets from killing a Nazi: None." I cackled at him as I began launching rapid moving ball lightning and fire balls at him, each one capable of delivering a lethal blow. Shame none of them connected as he either dodged them or soaked them up with his shield. With an absolutely furious look in his eyes he began to charge up a large spell before unleashing a sweeping pillar of golden energy across the arena, which I quickly jumped above with the aid of aeromancy. Landing as lightly as I could, I saw him beginning to charge up another spell. Not being a dragonball Z character, I didn't let him finish and transmuted one of the hydrogen pockets into Azidoazide Azide. Which promptly did its thing, exploding for no reason at all. His concentration thrown off the sudden and rather large explosion, Blueblood miscast and instead shot a bag of flour at me. Rolling out of the way, I was met with a golden lance to the shoulder as he began lathering the arena in more magic lances. "One trick pony. One trick pony." I taunted as I began flitting the around the arena in controlled bursts of wind assisted speed. This only angered him further and he began shooting lightning at me as well as the lances. Feeling the time right I launched a basketball sized rock at him, transmuting it into fluoroantimonic acid mid flight. Cursing as he dodged it, I instead joined him as everyone present was mesmerized by the sight of the ground evaporating into thin air as a sizeable hole began to form on the ground. He slowly turned his head to face me as the hole only continued to get deeper. After several seconds he was able to form words. "What the hay was that?" He asked wide eyed. "Fluoroantimonic acid. It's ten quadrillion times more potent than sulfuric acid." I explained, much to everyone's confusion. "It means it will melt almost anything in seconds." I said with a face palm, which Blueblood took advantage of to nail me in the chest with a magical lance. Getting up with no small amount of wheezing, I glared at him. As he smugly strutted his stuff I reached down, ripped a can sized hunk of rock out of the ground and transmuted it into a copper shell containing substances unknown. Launching it at him with a well aimed throw, I got ready to transmute the copper into FOOF, before he displaced it with a burst of telekinesis. The resulting massive explosion only caused permanent minor hearing loss and another round of gaping as the ground was on fire. "Chlorine trifluoride, it will set anything on fire, or corrode it, or poison it." "Who makes these things?!" Blueblood yelled out in terror. "Humanity, bitch." I said before launching a salvo of super heated rocks at him, which he displaced with telekinesis. Fortunately they provided enough of a distraction for me to launch a torrent of fire at him, which he blocked with a shield before launching another sweeping pillar of magic, which I hid from in a shallow ditch I made. Popping up I began lobbing fireballs and lightning bolts at him, with the occasional super heated rock or copper cylinder, before ducking down to dodge another sweeping assault. Not liking being pinned, I did something absolutely devious. Forming the dirt and rock around me into an airtight breathing helmet and a tank of oxygen, I quickly donned the makeshift apparatus as my most devious plan yet formed. Grabbing a baseball sized rock, I jumped out of the ditch and threw it at him with all my might. As he was about to displace it, I quickly transmuted it into thioacetone. Almost instantly he began gagging and violently vomiting, the entirely of the audience following a second later. Some of the ungodly smell even managed to seep through my mask, despite its airtightness. "THE MASK DOES NOTHING!" I gagged as it became very hard to breathe. Dissolving the mask, I formed a bubble of oxygen and nitrogen around my head to protect myself from the worst idea ever. Transmuting the thioacetone into hydrogen, I let out a gasp of relief as the air cleared. "I am so sorry, I didn't know that it smelled that bad." I apologized. "I saw what I had for breakfast again." Blueblood numbly replied before shaking his head and growling at me. "Enough of your trick, have at ye!" He shouted, engaging in a blistering assault of magical attacks. Dodging out of the way I returned the assault with a fiery assault of my own, skirting around the walls of the arena as I kept just ahead of his attacks. With a large jump I began charging a large amount of electricity into my hands as I compressed massive amounts of air into my palms. With a little alchemical encouragement, i.e turning the compressed air into hydrogen, I had myself a ball of fusion fire. With a grin of pure malevolence, I shot the ball of nuclear death at Blueblood's haughty face. Just before it reached him, however he teleported it several hundred metres above the arena, where it harmly exploded into a ball of neutrons, gamma rays, and super heated plasma. Recovering from the concussive shockwave of a six kiloton detonation, I saw the awed and terrified faces of the spectating ponies. Smirking to myself, I launched a bolt of lightning at the severely burned pony, who erected a shield to absorb it. "I must commend you." He wheezed out, the act of speaking tearing the charred and blackened skin of his muzzle. "I never thought a lowly creature like you could formulate suck a powerful attack." Blueblood said with a tone of respect in his voice. "If you're trying to appeal to me to left you yield, it isn't going to work." I bluntly told him as charred remains of my hair smouldered on my head. "Oh horse feathers." He grimaced as the pain of his burns caught up to him. As I slowly floated to the ground I let a single pain filled tear fall as my definitely broken legs touched the charred and cracked surface of the arena. "Why did I think a fusion bomb would be a good idea at close range?" I asked as I collapsed into a sitting position, dreading what I had to do next. "I have no idea what that is, but if it was what you just did, you are an idiot." Blueblood gasped out as he collapsed to the ground, most of the bones in his body either fractured of bruised. "Worth it." I Said as I tentatively probe my legs to locate the breaks, wincing in pain ever I locate one. So far the count was nine for my left leg and six for my right, with ample fractures and bruising along my torso, arms, and neck. Also a large amount of third degree burns and general pain. Deciding I shall have the last laugh I Launch a tiny pebble at Blueblood and transmute just the tip into dimethyl cadmium, which breaks off and enters his blood stream. "Enjoy cancer, bastard." I mutter as I pass out, Blueblood having already done so mere seconds earlier. ~Celestia 3rd Person P.O.V.~ Celestia could hardly believe her eyes, what had once been a historical arena was now nothing but a charred, cracked, and in one place, still burning ruin. Glancing nervously around the viewing stands, she let out as sigh of relief as she saw her ponies were merely rattled from the immense pyrotechnics display they bore witness to. Shakily standing up from her seat she staggered towards the podium, her hearing still somewhat fuzzy from the immense explosion that had happened moments ago. After clearing her throat and taking a decent sized breath to clam herself, she called out to the gathered crowds. "Attention my little ponies, due to extreme circumstances, the results of the duel are rendered null and void and as such it is a draw, both sides neither win nor lose. Also, due to the extreme circumstances I would like each of you to receive full medical check up, most importantly hearing and eyesight. That is all, please disperse evenly and calmly as the medics see to the duellists." She finished, sighing to herself. "Creators dang it Dubious, just what sort of stunts are you going to pull in the future?" She muttered under her breath. Exiting her royal seating area she quickly entered the destroyed arena and trotted over to the two incapacitated fighters. "What am I going to do with you two?" She asked herself as she cast a healing spell on the two, only succeeding in quelling any bleeding, and turning the third degree burns into second and first degree burns. The sound of galloping hooves reached her ears as a the medics arrived and began examining the two prone forms in front of her. With a disappointed shake of her head, she turned and left the arena, already drafting a letter to Twilight to explain the days events and to ask her to pick up the dangerous human in Canterlot.