"Alright...you left with one human head, one human body minus the head, a unicorn mare's head, and a matching unicorn body minus head. Several artifacts, all accounted for on the return, good work. Hmm, life insurance policy...checked a gun with us before you left, okay, okay, looks good." The Equestrian border guard stared at me. "That's all fine. Now...what's not fine-" he grabbed a small clipboard, "-is the damages, the two alicorn mares, you...you're honestly not that big a problem, one full body!"
I rubbed my face. "I really don't know what you expect me to say. There's really nothing I can do."
The man nodded. "Well...there's not really much you can do. God, you're really lucky you were on the top floor!" He flipped through the papers on his clipboard. "Wow, hey, Lollard, check this out!"
A man in an Equestrian guard uniform walked over. These were the two idiots who'd seen me through the first time. "Oh great...you two again."
The guard looked down. "Whoa...shit! The whole place?"
I turned to the door, watching as Dust and Cosmic stared at me from beyond a small window. The guards kept chatting. "Yeah, structurally compromised until further notice!"
Dust's smile was super wide, her mane starting to turn blue, Cosmic turning orange. "Damn...did you see the pictures? Like the fucking rapture."
The guard started laughing. "How did they let you through the portal home!? God on Earth! You're not going to be able to go back there you know."
I turned to the guards, one standing with his hand on his chin, the other leaned back with his clipboard over his face. "Look, can I go home yet?"
The guard with the clipboard looked over at the window. "Engagement, right? Congratulations."
I glared at the guards. "Thank you...I'd love to go and get everything set up."
The guard in uniform looked at me. "You blew up a hotel roof--"
The sitting guard looked up. "It didn't explode, it like...disintegrated."
"No...no, it exploded."
The sitting guard and pushed up. "No!"
"Yes!"
"No it didn't! Shut up!"
"It totally exploded--"
"Oh my god, shut up!" my throat burned slightly as I jumped up. "Can I go!?"
The guards looked over to me. "What? Oh, yeah, get the hell out of here. Door's unlocked."
I felt heat rise up into my chest. "Are you kidding me? I could have left this whole time!?"
The guards nodded in unison. "Yeah, there's gonna be an investigation, Equestrian Foreign affairs will have some paperwork and questions for you, but yeah, go plan your wedding. ...Jerkoff."
I shook my head and turned to the door. "You're absolute rubbish, your terrible at your jobs and I hope you break your front teeth!" I yanked the door open, storming past my mares. "God damn, it's worse than airports!"
Dust reared up and rubbed herself on my side. "Jason...calm down, everything is perfect now."
Cosmic followed us as we walked through the border building. "Dust...shut up."
Dust turned around, walking backwards with her tail wrapped around my leg. "Cosmic...must you really be--"
I felt Dust's tail rip away from my leg. "You've bloody done nothing but schmooze and be a complete wreck since you grew a voice! Pack it in!"
I shook my head and kept walking. So long as they didn't get violent I didn't need to intervene. "Oh? And behind verbally, physically, and emotionally aggressive is much better!? Don't you yell at me Cosmic, I have a say now too! I have magic, I have legs, you don't get to boss me around anymore!"
I pressed on, slipping into the lobby of the Equestrian border with Canada. "Oh like Celestia's fat white ass! The day I let you get away with being a spoiled little brat with my face, that's the day I die!"
"Girls...you're both pretty--"
"Shut up Jason!"
"Shut up Sweetheart!"
"Okay...." I rubbed my neck, a thin blue scar ringing my throat. "One day you'll agree on something that isn't aimed at me."
The girls went back to arguing. I took a seat near the door, not wanting to bring their fight into midnight Canterlot. Dust picked the fight back up. "Cosmic, you've been nothing but verbally aggressive, sexually repressed to the point where you begged a stallion to plug you, and you smell like sweat...."
I pressed my head into my hands, the twin ponies bickering was wearing away my already thinned nerves. "Can this wait? I really hate this place, and you--"
"Sexually repressed!? Sorry I'm honest! I don't sit there and coyly ask someone to hold you down! Fifty years of having to lick myself for the few moments of joy a week did get a little bloody obnoxious! And you're damn right I'm aggressive, I was the one who kept us fed, kept us alive!"
I let out a long sigh. "You're in public right now."
Dust shot back, "Oh- oh! Really!? You kept us alive? The immobile stump of a head, scaring the piss out of ponies for scraps of food and such, saved us!?"
I looked up in time to see Cosmic's face twisted up, eyes practically glowing with rage. "And you think sexual favors for food is much better!? Do you know how horrid it felt, knowing what was happening but not having a damn say!?"
"Oh- oh, and sitting idly by without so much as a word was better?!"
"God damn...this could have waited."
"Shut up Jason!"
"Don't you talk to him like that!"
"He's my bloody husband, I'll talk to him how I damn want!" I felt a hoof press against my leg. "This idiot lobbed my head off, not yours! He's my dumb ass, and I'll treat him how he deserves!"
"Then you should be on your haunches!"
"Fuck!" I jumped up, rushing to the door as quick as I could. The large immigration's room lobby was choked up with employees all watching, some snickering, some with grim looks. "This is not the place for this!"
Dust's sweet voice felt strange wrought with such anger. "Jason's right, we--"
"Stop saying he's right! He's not right all the damn time--"
"Well he's not wrong all the time either!"
I let out a sharp whimper. "Oh my god...I cannot deal with this right now." I stopped dead and turned to face my mares. "Girls." The pair turned to me, ears sharp. "Sorry about this." I reached out and gave each of them a slap across the cheek. "Now shut up--"
Cosmic shot back, slamming her hoof into my cheek. "Asshole!"
Dust let out a small whimper, quickly pulling it back and coughing to cover her noises. "Jason...that was horrid."
I rubbed my cheek and turned to the door. "Sorry but you two were acting hysterical!"
Cosmic charged past me, cutting me off in the street. Her mane lit up under the streetlamps, barely lighting up the sidewalks of the damp spring night. "And you think getting into a fight with me is a good idea? Jason, I know you're not that bright, but come on.... Cosmic, Dust, fighting mare."
Dust sulked along behind me. "Wasn't the best way you could have handled that."
I took a deep breath and kept walking. It was better for them to be picking on me, I knew they wouldn't stop loving me after one fight, but watching them tear into each other gave me a rather heavy feeling in my gut. "Look, I just don't want you two fighting ri--"
Cosmic glared at me. "Jason, we've been fighting far longer than this. It's just the first time it's actually been verbal. And not coated in begs and whimpers from that daft sow!"
Dust scratched at my back. "Jason...I think I'm owed something after that."
I lowered my head, holding my arms back and letting Dust saddle up around me. "Don't you have wings now? Why don't you fly?"
Dust laughed sharply. "No! Also, no! You expect to see me risking my tail fifty meters off the ground like some daredevil psychotic!?"
I just kept staring at the ground. "Maybe--"
Cosmic continued to trot backwards before me. "No, she's going to sit there and whimper, and piss and moan and be a slug!"
"I'd rather be a delicate, beautiful slug, than some leathery paragliding snake!"
Cosmic stopped, forcing me to stumble to a stop. "Jason...put her down."
Her eyes were bright, full of rage, not anger, rage. "I don't think--"
Dust's hooves slipped out from my arms. "You want to fight!? Cosmic I will fight you right here!"
"God damn it." I backed up, stepping against a wall while the twins squared off on the sidewalk. "Should I find some flares? Cordon off the street?" I let out a soft huff as Cosmic rolled her blue sister. "God damn it...." I just stood back as feathers started to fly, screaming following up quickly after as hooves and teeth clashed. "Can you shoot lazers out of your horns? Duel to the death maybe?" I laughed slightly, the imagine of orange and blue lazer horns distracting me from their rather serious scuffle.
Sparks burned out against the ground, lighting up the scene with the colors I'd been getting accustomed to. "You bitch!"
"Mongrel!"
"Muddy git!"
"Hopped up mud pony!"
"Prissy slag!"
"Cosmic I hate you!"
The fighting ebbed for a moment. "I hate you too! You're a piece of- of crap!"
I rubbed my nose. Crap, felt wrong coming from her mouth. "Heh...heheh."
"How many years have you yelled at me!? Get food, get warmth, get something!"
The mares rolled off each other, standing light cats, backs arched, bodies stiff. "I had to keep us alive! I had to be strong, I had to because you wouldn't!"
Dust twitched hard, her back straightening out before snapping back into place. "And you're to be thanked! You kept me from that world of anger, and violence, but there was a time for that, and that time is far behind us!"
Cosmic's eyes darted to me for a moment. "Are they!? We've got Equestria at our hooves, and you think--"
Dust shook herself hard, straightening out and sliding a hoof over her mane. "I think that a new age needs new ways. Acting like it's a century ago is only going to end you into misery again!"
Cosmic's face fluctuated from angry to sad, eyebrows arching up, frown softening. "Jason...is she right?"
I looked between the mares. "You're both right." I leaned forward, keeping my ass to the wall. "Cosmic, you're always going to be ornery, and I love that. But I think toning down that could do you a lot of good." Dust smiled wide. "I think that goes for you too.... Being overly agreeable is a curse of its own." I crossed my arms. "I love you both, and I know I'm sure as hell not perfect, I mean I bloody slapped you both."
The mares looked between themselves, then back to me. Cosmic shook her head to straighten out her mane. "Jason...you're an idiot."
Dust nodded. "I agree, but, idiot needs to stop."
"Dumb."
"I can agree with dumb."
I felt myself lift off the ground as the mares fixed eachother's coats. "You'll agree with dumb because it's true."
Dust frowned. "He is, but not to the degree you state."
I felt myself go stiff as a board. "Will you stop defending him?"
"Will you stop berating him?"
I crossed my arms as I was laid across the mare's backs, slowly bobbing up and down as their hips moved. "Can you guys agree?"
Dust looked back at me as we walked through Canterlot. "I think we are."
Cosmic joined Dust, two sets of eyes staring back at me. "Aye. We're pretty much sure you're not the brightest."
Dust shook her head. "...Wrath and idiocy, what a shame you two are so polarized."
Cosmic's eyes went flat. "And what are you?"
Dust flapped her wings. "I'm a princess."
I rubbed my face. "Of course, but so is Cosmic."
"Damn right!" She nodded sternly and focused forward. "Now everypony shut up! This isn't over, but we've got places to be."
Dust turned to the front with Cosmic. "Fine, so long as we all agree I'm perfect."
Cosmic laughed. "As perfect as the old Canterlot Spire."
The mares laughed to each other, leaving me completely out of the loop. "...I don't get it."
Dust looked back. "The old Canterlot Spire broke in two, but it was turned into an art instillation--" A loud clang cut her off. I slipped off her back and onto the floor with a meaty thwack.
"Celestia damn you! A pole, really!?" Cosmic pulled away, leaving me to fall flat on my back. "Idiot!"
I felt the force keeping me flat disappear. "What happened!?"
Cosmic glared at Dust, now lying in the road. "She walked headfirst into a pole!"
I sat upright, cold and alone on the sidewalk. "God damn it...I just want to go to bed." I stood up, scooping up Dust's knocked out body and slinging her over my shoulder. "No more, my pace time."
Cosmic backed up. "Fine, I can keep--"
"Oh no." I walked aside Cosmic and picked her up, putting her back down on my shoulder. "My walk!"
Cosmic's hooves started flying about as she squirmed. "Jason, put me--"
"Take something from Dust, calm your ass!"
"Take some advice from me, stop talking about my ass!"
"But it's so nice...."
"... Thank you.... Now put me down."