I stared out over the nothingness, blinded by sand. "God damn it...." I tucked my head partially into my jacket, trying to stop the sand. "...There's gonna be sand fucks here...I know it." I looked around again, sand spitting against my face. "...Muslim Dust...."
***
I stepped back through the portal. Dust watched me move in, Cosmic trying to stretch on the floor. "Jason, how--"
"Close it." I tossed my head onto the bed, having since been pushed off to the edge of the room. "I'm not going back there."
"Jason?"
"I can tell what I would find, and I don't want to deal with some god damn turban wearing horses!" I crossed my arms, face buried into a pillow. "I cannot deal with some Arab version of you! I won't!"
Dust cocked an eyebrow and slowly levitated my head upright. "Jason...."
"No! I won't negotiate with terrorists--"
"Jason."
"No, Dust, I hate them and I won't--"
Dust lowered her eyebrows, glaring at me. "Jason...."
I let out a strange cry and stormed over to my head. "Fine! But she's not coming back with me! The fish world was bad enough, but I'm not going- I- see I can't drop you off with any stallion! Fucking ass raping camel fuck--"
"Jason, really!?" Dust's voice turned stern for the second time in her life. "I think you should see someone--"
"Bloody suicide bomber shits!" I crossed my arms, my head resting against my belly. "I don't like them, I never will! Just.... Too many times they brought me to help with IED victims...I cannot socialize with them, I can't." I let out a sharp huff. "I ever tell you what I did in the army? Combat medic." I felt a hot sensation rush across my skin. "Every time it was an IED, legs gone, shrapnel in some poor bastard's leg or liver, and those god damn muzzie fuckers just standing off to the side, gawking!"
Dust frowned softly. "Jason, do you want a hug?"
I sighed softly. "...After I come back...." I turned back to the portal. "I'll go save Muslim you... against my will!" I stared at the portal, knowing the sandy hell I would be drudging through. "Bloody.... I need a sheet."
***
I stared out the sand blasted palms, a dusty trail bordered by piles of sand. I had hastily wrapped my head in a sheet to keep the sand out, and blind as a drunk I walked along what I assumed was the right place. It fit the bill, a path up a mountain, trees, the same curves and bends in the road.
I followed the path, deeper and deeper into the palms. It felt natural, an old trodden path from my time back in Ponyville. "God damn this place.... Devils asshole." I kept along the sandy road up towards what should be the falls. The green world of Equestria topographically correct, but utterly wasted and burnt to a crisp.
"Okay...should be, here right?" I slid between a pair of palms, the space between them making the trek much easier. I pushed along, tree by tree, sandy foothold after sandy foothold. "Dust!? Cosmic!? Any--"
"Bonjour!? Qui est là?" A French girl with a heavy German accent cut the howling winds.
"French? What?" I carried on, my shoes sinking into the soft sand. The wind was cut by the mass of palms and brush, and a loud rustling came from the center. "Uh... bonjour?No...polyvou francie? I say that right?" I carried on, the trees giving way to a small oasis, palm brush and desert shrubs surrounding the open sand that surrounded the waters edge.
"Ce que vous êtes?" Cosmic was sitting under a bushel of palm fronds held up by some sticks. "Répondez-moi!"
I let out a long sigh and walked over. "Great...I guess it's better than akbar akbar." I drudged through the water of the oasis, slowly walking towards the mare under her makeshift pavilion. "Let's see.... Je suis un ami."
Cosmic looked me up and down. "Vous êtes un ami? Vous êtes un monstre."
I shook my head and sat down next to her. "That's not nice. I think...." I sat my backpack down and unraveled my head from the sheets. "Here, food." I set and apple down before her head. "Manger."
Cosmic looked over at me. "...Allez-vous me tuer?"
I shook my head. "No? It's not going to make you sick." I rubbed my face. "God damn, I know you too well." I watched the edge of the clearing. "Damn... come on Jean, you were supposed to be a good teacher." I sat my head in my lap. "Je vous prends , ville, vous toute sécurité."
Cosmic looked up at me. "Quoi? Ville?"
I rubbed my stump. "You, town, safe. Saf-- oh fuck this." I stood up and pushed her cover over. "Operation rescue French." I plucked the half panicked mare and wrapped our heads in the sheet. "Glad you don't reek of Iraqi cum or cheese."
Frenchmic just kept yelling into my ear as I tried to orient myself. "Je vais vous tuer!"
"Yeah yeah yeah, tour vous eh neh neh. I don't speak French!" I spotted something in the bushes. "Hey, hey body, Dust!"
"Comment savez-vous mon nom? Comment savez-vous mon nom!?"
I turned my head in the bag, face to face with the French mare. It was Cosmic, body and mind, unchanged aside from a slightly paler coat. "Because we've met before, and I love you...." I looked off to the side of the dim bag, the mare glaring at me and bearing her teeth. "Jason, you're an idiot." I turned my head and kissed her nose. "Amore."
Cosmic's mouth snapped shut in an instant. "Non--"
"Oui."
"Non! Je ne vous connais pas!"
"Yeah well I know you. God knows I wouldn't be in this stupid desert if I didn't." I looked around, already with Dust over my shoulder. "Oh. I should probably be worried, because I wasn't controlling myself this whole time."
"Pourquoi tu me as embrassé?!"
I let out an angry huff. "Better than akbar, remember that Jason, remember that."
***
I walked back through the portal. "I'm back. Learned some French by the way." I tossed my head down into Cosmic's belly, the room dark and the mares half asleep. I felt Cosmic's hooves wrap around my head, her soft coat warm against my ears. "Dust, you awake?"
"Just resting my eyes."
I closed my eyes, letting my body move free. "Dust, you were German, speaking French." I felt my body rest against the floor. "Today has been a weird day."
Dust let out a long yawn. "I-ahh, I can imagine." I felt my fingers wrap around Dust's head and bring her to my lap. "Jason, you're not moving your arms are you?"
"No." I opened my eyes, letting the rest on the soft cream hotel wall. "I think the whole universe jumping might be speeding up the whole alternate personality thing."
It is.
A thick German voice rattled around my head. "Dust, did you just hear Hitler?"
Hitler? I'm more refined than that murderer.
I let out a long sigh. "Dust...he's German."
I could feel Dust look up. "Who?"
Go on, tell her.
"My body."
"Oh Jason...."
I let out a long sigh. "I kn--"
By the way, I'm not taking your last name. George is a strong name, better than Jason.
I felt my eyes start to burn. "My body just insulted my name. Dust make him stop."