"AJ, shut that foal up!" Pa reached out and cuffed me on the back of the head. "Ah'm tryin' ta think here!"
"Sorry Pa," I said, scooping Apple Bloom up and taking her to my room. I shut the door behind her and began rocking Apple Bloom. "Come on now, sugarcube," I soothed. "Yer alright. Don't you worry. Ah'm here for ya. It's gonna be okay." Apple Bloom's shrieks quieted down, and she nuzzled up against my chest. I smiled fondly at my sister and hugged her close. "That's right. Just hush now, little filly. Yer fine. You don't halfta worry about nothin' while I'm here."
Apple Bloom opened her mouth and began trying to latch onto my chest. I groaned to myself and put my sister down.
"Ah see. Yer hungry." Apple Bloom whimpered and began crawling towards me. "Just hold on now, Apple Bloom. Ah gotta..." I took a deep, shaky breath. "You just hold on now."
i went over to my closet and pulled out a small bottle. Grimacing, I opened it up and downed the contents in one gulp. I shuddered at the taste, but reminded myself once again that it was for Apple Bloom's sake that I endured it at all. It was a potion that triggered lactation in mares. Its intended use was for mothers who, for whatever reason, couldn't produce milk. As a last hope, I tried it to see if I could finally get my sister to eat. She wouldn't touch formula, even once we'd gotten some for her. Not that I had as a filly myself.
"Just hold on," I repeated as Apple Bloom began quietly crying and whimpering. "It... takes a minute to get goin'. Ah'm here. Just don't you worry. It's gonna be okay." I laid down in front of Apple Bloom and closed my eyes. "It's gonna be fine. It has to be."
* * * *
I walked out of Apple Bloom's room, my head low. My legs felt like rubber. I stumbled and leaned against the wall for support, trying not to break down. I gotta admit, I thought it would get easier. It never did.
"AJ?" Big Mac opened the door to his room and poked his head out. "You okay?"
"Gonna be fine," I muttered. "You don't halfta worry about me. Apple Bloom is fed and feels safe and loved. That's all that matters. She'll start eatin' real food, and Ah won't halfta do this anymore."
Big Mac frowned and leaned his head against his door frame. "You halfta figure somethin' else out, AJ. Every time you do it you come out lookin' like you've been violated. It ain't right."
"Of course it ain't right!" I growled. "Ah hate it! Ah hate every moment of it, but Ah don't know what else ta do! Pa don't wanna bring anypony else inta this right now, so what are we gonna do? It ain't like he cares 'bout AB! Not after Ma!"
"He's grievin'," Big Mac said. "He'll come around."
"Yeah, Ah hope." I sighed and sat down. "Does he think we ain't grievin' too? Does he think Ma... Ma leavin' us didn't hurt us either? Ah want more than anythin' ta have mah pa back. Ah hate bein' shut in like this. Ah asked ta go out and spend some time with mah friends, but Pa said no. Ah thought about goin' anyway, but Ah ain't about to make him mad with me. Ah'm not sure what he'd do if he did lose his temper."
"Yeah," Big Mac muttered. "But he is gonna come around." Big Mac's ears flattened. "He's gotta. He'll start movin' on and when he does, he'll find out that Apple Bloom is a wonderful filly. He'll love her just as much as he loves you or me."
"Ah wish Ah could believe that. Not sure if Ah can right now." My jaw tightened and Ah began grinding mah hoof into the floor. "Ah think he's bein' a mite selfish, ya know? It's been months and he's still not comin' out of his room 'cept for meals and some work. Ah can't remember the last time we said anythin' meaningful to each other. Ah hate ta say it, Big Mac, but Ah think we lost both of our parents that day."
Big Mac stared at me for a few seconds, but eventually he sighed and nodded. "Ah guess."
"No guessin' about it. Maybe someday we'll get our pa back, but fer now, it's just us takin' care of the farm and Apple Bloom." My ear flicked when I heard the sounds of Apple Bloom starting ta cry. Hopefully she wasn't hungry again. "Ah gotta take care of Apple Bloom. You let me know if you need me."
"Sure."
* * * *
"Applejack, get up. Yer wastin' daylight."
I cracked one eye open and started to yawn, but it died in mah throat when I saw Pa standing in the doorway. I shot to my hooves and flattened my ears. I'd fallen asleep next to Apple Bloom's crib again.
"Yes, Pa. Probably gotta feed Apple Bloom first."
"If she ain't awake, then she ain't hungry. Big Mac's already out in the fields. Get yer tail out there."
"Yes, Pa," I muttered. I thought about going to the bathroom to run a brush through my mane and tail, but Pa's mood didn't make me think he'd be alright with that. I ran downstairs, stopping at the kitchen to get an apple, before heading out into the fields. Big Mac was bucking a few of the nearby trees, and I could see a few more empty buckets lying around more trees. I made my way to one of the trees and bucked it.
Gotta admit: as hard as the work was, I liked it. It helped keep my mind off of the stuff I didn't like thinking about. I could just focus on bucking the apple trees. We had a pretty good harvest that year, all things considered. Hay, some days my pa would work close to me, and we'd kinda go back ta being happy. We'd bond over harvesting the apple trees, and it'd kinda be like nothing bad had happened at all.
I liked those days. Shame there weren't more of them.
Eventually the work day ended. I went back into the house for a shower and to check on AB. Big Mac was putting everything away, and Pa was somewhere, meaning that I had time to get cleaned up. AB would probably want to be fed soon. I shuddered at the thought.
I went past AB's room and heard crying. Not AB's crying though. I frowned and pushed the door open. Pa was inside, sitting next to AB's crib and crying. I'd never seen him cry like that before. Not even after Ma died. He had his head in his hooves and his whole body was convulsing from the tears. He kept whispering that he was sorry.
"Pa?" I said quietly. "You okay?"
Pa's head snapped up and he looked at me without blinking. He seemed surprised to see me there. I backed up a bit in case he started yelling at me, but he didn't. He wiped his eyes and gave me a watery smile. He extended his hooves, and I gently walked up to him so he could hug me.
"Ah'm sorry, AJ, Ah haven't been fair to you."
"it's okay, Pa."
"No, it ain't. Nothin' about any of this is right. You shouldn't halfta be doin' what yer doin'."
"It's fine," I muttered. "So long as Apple Bloom is safe and loved, right?"
Pa shook his head. "No, it ain't fine, and Ah'm gonna fix it. Ah think Ah've found a way to make all of this better, so we don't have to deal with this anymore. Ah was thinking of sending Apple Bloom off ta live with mah cousin. She'll do a good job of taking care of her."
I broke away from the hug and shot to my hooves. "Wait, yer gonna give up Apple Bloom? I-is this just until she gets a little older or...?"
Pa shook his head. "That thing killed mah wife, AJ. Ah've been doin' some thinkin' and Ah know it ain't Apple Bloom's fault. Ah know Ah've been blaming her for that, and that ain't fair, but Ah can't help it. Ah've been tryin' ta help it, but Ah can't. It killed mah wife and now you have ta nurse it ta keep it alive. Ain't right."
"That ain't gonna happen for much longer!" I insisted. "She'll start ta eat solid food in a few months here, then we can forget all about that! Before ya know it she'll be a happy little filly who's helpin' out on the farm. Y-you'll love her, Ah promise!"
"Ah've made mah choice, AJ," Pa said, getting to his hooves. "Ah don't want it in mah house anymore."
"Yer not bein' fair!" I snarled. "Ah ain't gonna let you do it! AB is mah sister and Ah love her! Big Mac loves her! Family stays together, isn't that what you always said? AB is yer blood!"
Our shouting woke Apple Bloom up, and she began whimpering in her crib. I ran over to her and began gently stroking her mane to calm her down.
"Be that as it may, she's not doin' anypony any good bein' in this house. Ah'm sure you can visit her every so often, but--"
"Visit?" I snarled. "Yer sayin' that like she's some dog you regret gettin'! She ain't! She's yer daughter and no amount of grief is ever gonna change that, Pa!"
Pa reached out and slapped the back of my head. "You mind me, ya hear?" he growled. "You ain't the head of this house, so you don't make the decisions. She's goin', and there ain't nothin' you can do to stop it."
I glowered at him and felt anger boiling up inside me. A weird kind of anger. Sort of like... hatred. I didn't even know I could feel something like that towards my own pa. But he wasn't really my pa anymore, was he? I didn't recognize the stallion in front of me. If Ma had survived, Pa would have loved AB more than Sweet Apple Acres itself. I picked up AB and held her close, rocking her and humming to her to calm her down, all the while glaring at Pa. After a few seconds, he scoffed and walked out of AB's room.
"Ah ain't gonna let him do it," I whispered to Apple Bloom. "He's gonna realize how dumb he's bein', then we can be a family again. He'll love ya, AB. Ah promise you he'll love you."
Despite my words, I wasn't totally sure that I believed them.