//------------------------------// // How Friendship Leads To Polka // Story: My Twilight Facade // by axelsempai //------------------------------// Dear Princess Celestia, We have successfully persuaded the dragon to relocate. In particular, Fluttershy's efforts were the greatest, as it was her who finally convinced the dragon to leave. In addition, I would like to make a report on friendship. I've recently learned that a good friend can help you find courage you might need for the trials ahead. Seeing a friend in trouble can give even the most timid of people the motivation to do something daring. I know this, because I saw Fluttershy of all ponies stare down a dragon. Yeah, negotiations went sour there for a little while, but it all turned out okay. Fluttershy really saved the day. Your Student, Twilight Sparkle Whew, that was over with. Now I just had to send this bitch and I'm all set! That just left me with the problem of how I get this to the princess. Do I send it through the mail? I have my doubts that Celestia would open up a letter from the post office, even if my "name" was on it, and going in person sounded like a pain in the ass. Wait, Spike should know this! He's lived with Twilight for a while, and he would know how Twilight sends letters to her teacher! I placed the letter in an envelope, sealed it, and went downstairs to find Spike and Fluttershy talking amicably. "Hey Spike, how do we usually send mail to the princess?" "Oh, I got it!" Spike hopped from his seat and grabbed the letter. I didn't understand why he just stood there breathing in like that, until he breathed out, setting the letter on fire. The smoke cleared outside the library almost immediately, but I was just staring where the letter used to be in aggravated silence. "Dick move, man. Dick move." "Huh? What's wrong?" I quaked with frustration. "You don't know? You just incinerated my report, you Easy-Bake Dick!" Spike shrunk back in fear, intimidated by my sudden anger. I continued waving my arms around in an angry fashion, ranting. "Now I have to write another one! And you know that the second draft is never as good as the first. Thanks a lot." Spike stepped back helplessly, staring up at me with fearful confusion. Fluttershy, sensing how scared Spike was at me, flew over and held my shoulders to ease my tension. "Now now, Twilight. You know that yelling at poor Spike won't fix anything." "He burned my report," I grumbled, crossing my arms childishly. I don't know how, but Fluttershy was bringing out my inner child. Spike belched. That wouldn't have bothered me as much as it did, had something not pelted me in the face. I shot him an angry look, and looked down at the mystery object that hit me. It was a scroll. Curiously, I picked it up in my hooves and opened it. Dear Twilight Sparkle, My Most Faithful Student, I am relieved to hear that everything was resolved peacefully. I hope he didn't give you too much trouble. I am also pleased to see that you are becoming far more casual with your letters now that you are learning about friendship. Remember that not everything you learn can be found in books. Follow your heart, and you will continue to learn of the most valuable magic of all. Your proud teacher, Princess Celestia. PS: I've decided to come visit next week to personally thank you and your friends for assisting Equestria once more in its time of need. Please don't go overboard in preparing for my arrival. I held the letter away in bewilderment. "What the hell? She's acting like she got my report, but how did she get it?" Spike held up a hand with uncertainty. "W-well, my fire breath is magic, so it can send letters to the princess." Then it hit me. Spike's burping was able to retrieve letters, why wouldn't he be able to send them, too? "Ohhhhhh." I said, unconvincingly exaggerated. "I forgot you could do that." Fluttershy hugged Spike enthusiastically. "Oh my goodness, that's so amazing! I didn't know your fire could send letters!" Spike blushed at the praise, looking quite embarrassed. She dropped the hug soon enough, at which point I broke in. "Hey Fluttershy, could you go tell the girls that Princess Celestia will be coming next week? I don't want them freaking out over a 'surprise' visit that was scheduled a week beforehand." Fluttershy looked questioningly at me. "'Beforehand'? Don't you mean 'beforehoof'?" I trailed a hoof down my face. "Nevermind my poor vocabulary. Would you mind telling the girls about Princess Celestia?" Fluttershy nodded, and flew out the door. I personally hoped she would be using her outdoor voice; she would need it. That left Spike and I alone in the room. "Anyway, I wanted to apologize to you, Spike. I shouldn't have yelled at you. Or insulted you. I'm sorry." Spike looked back up at me, clearly torn. "How did you forget about my fire breath? We use it to send letters to the princess all the time." Luckily, I had an excuse. "I guess I hit my head on that rock. Anyway, I'm going to make it up to you. I know you like eating gems, so how about I get some for you?" Spike smiled. "I'd like that." I nodded. "Very well. So where do you keep finding those gems, anyway? You always seem to have some, but I never found out how you got them." "Oh, I just dig for them. There are plenty of them in the backyard." I stared incredulously. Did he seriously expect me to believe that? More than likely, he was just trying to get me to bust my ass on something pointless just so he could laugh at me later. Then again, with how weird Equestria was, that just might be how you find gems. Would I take my chances and start digging, or should I just go buy some? Wait, gems are expensive, so fuck that. "Alright, I'll go get a shovel." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I dug around the backyard for a little while. After a couple of minutes of digging by hoof, I was beginning to think that this was an exercise in futility. Of course, the moment I thought that was exactly the moment that I found a load of gems. Spike wasn't kidding about how easy it was to find gems. Maybe I should smuggle a bunch of these back home so I could make a shit-load of money. Spike was happy about the gems I found though, so things quickly went back to normal. Over the course of digging for these gems, I came to the realization that I really needed to hit the gym. My skinny legs were weak after the first three minutes of digging, and that's not even including the next ten. I decided to build up my strength, since I needed to use it so often. The local gym was an interesting place. For the most part, it was exactly as you would expect. Ponies, mostly stallions, were lifting weights around the room, some were on treadmills, and others were stretching. There was all kinds of equipment that I knew nothing about, and that's not just because I was fitness illiterate, if that's even a thing. It wasn't until a pegasus used one of the machines that I discovered it was meant for wings, a fact that I found interesting. Every kind of pony had some kind of specialized machine they could use. This place would be perfect for training. On a side note, I would try to avoid getting as big and muscular as that white pegasus in the center of the room. He was excessively mucular to the point of presumable discomfort, and he kept yelling "YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, FEEL THE BURN!". The only downside to working out there was the usual problem I have with gyms: I always feel inadequate sitting next to the bulkier guys benching two hundred pounds. For the next week, I went there every other day. No one ever made a scene with me, which I was thankful for. Unfortunately, I didn't feel like I made much progress. Aside from the boost of energy I felt, nothing got accomplished, yet. I just had to keep going. I woke up one morning feeling refreshed from the previous day's workout. Thankfully avoiding soreness, I hopped out of bed with a vigor I haven't felt since I was back home. Pinkie was right, I needed to get out more. Spike and I had a nice breakfast with some toast and jam. What started as a simple morning was broken by a murmuring outside. Curious, Spike and I went outside to find that something happened to the town. It wasn't immediately clear why, but everyone was busy decorating the town for something. Spike and I shared questioning looks, but we shrugged and decided to explore the town. We figured there might have been a festival we hadn't heard about. It was the strangest thing for me to be watching the entire town scrambling to accomplish something, and I didn't know what it was. Ribbons were wrapped around every tree, ponies were raking their lawns (which needed raking for the last two weeks), and some ponies were lining the pathways with flowers. It seemed like they were trying to make Ponyville look like a utopian fantasy world. It all made sense when I found the carrot merchant, Golden Harvest, and the town vintner, Berry Punch, hanging up a banner reading "Welcome Princess Celest". Despite good manners, I laughed at the banner. "What happened to the rest of her name?" Golden Harvest sheepishly kicked the dirt. "We couldn't fit it all in." I laughed again. "You should leave it like that. I bet Princess Celestia will laugh her ass off when she sees it." Spike and I walked away chuckling, while Golden Harvest decided to redo the banner, in light of my joking. As I've learned over the course of my stay in Ponyville, when there's a party, consult the premiere party pony. Obviously, the ponies were getting ready for a big celebration in anticipation of Celestia coming by, so who else could give us the inside scoop better than Pinkie Pie? Spike and I entered Sugarcube Corner, where we were sure to find her. Pinkie wasn't immediately noticeable in the room, so I figured she must be elsewhere. Still, I might as well show good manners with the Cakes, as they were here making what looked like a feast of desserts. "Hey Cake family! How are things?" Mrs. Cake gave me a strained smile. "Things could be better." I didn't need to ask what their problem was. I could guess what it was based on the pink pony who just hopped into the room with an entire cake in her mouth. No, I'm serious, the whole fucking cake. She noticed me, and swallowed the cake whole (again, I'm serious). "Heya Twilight! Come to check on preparations like the super-duper preparation pony you are?" "Actually, I was hoping to ask you about what we're preparing for. Since when did everypony know that the princess was coming?" Pinkie prodded her chin in thought. "Well, I was baking yesterday and the Cakes asked if I had any plans for the week, and I said that I was going to the library to meet with the princess, so they asked me to repeat myself, and I did, and their eyes went wide, and they ran outside yelling, and then everypony started yelling, and now they have all of Ponyville looking sprucer-iffic!" Ah, I see. I take it no one bothered to mention the part of the letter that explicitly states not to panic? Am I destined to be the only one in Ponyville who notices details like this? Mr. Cake pushed a new cake onto the table next to Pinkie. That cake had an even poorer life-expectancy than a spider in an exterminator's office, as Pinkie wolfed it down, covering the table with messy frosting. With Mr. Cake groaning with exasperation, it fell on me to lure Pinkie away. "Uh, you wanna hang out, Pinkie? I think the Cakes have this situation all under control." Mr. Cake smiled thankfully at that. "Sure! What do you wanna do?" Pinkie chirped. I didn't think that far ahead, so I did what I do best: stall for time. "That'll be a surprise. Come on, daylight's burning." We turned to walk out of the store, but I stopped to scoop up a little frosting from the messy table to snack on while I thought of something. Spike took after me, and scooped up a big handful. We ran into Fluttershy on our way out, who was running excitedly. She stopped just short of hitting me, and backed away bashfully. "Hello Twilight." She leaned over to see Pinkie behind me. "Oh, Pinkie! And Spike, too! This is perfect!" This is the most excited I've ever seen Fluttershy. For one thing, she was standing up straight with her head level with mine. "Perfect for what? You're awfully excited about something." "You won't believe what I found near the Everfree Forest!" Fluttershy turned her head to coax something into revealing itself. On cue, three tennis balls with wings flew out to greet us. Their wings were reminiscent of flies, and they had large green eyes that were designed to endear. I hated them immediately. What? Don't give me that look. These things were obviously pests of some kind! Nothing with the wings of a shit-crawling house fly can possibly be a good thing! That's probably what these things do, too: walk in shit! So excuse me if my first reaction was to start thinking of ways to get rid of them. Spike, my ever-helpful assistant, voiced his opinion on the pests. "Wow, they look amazing!" I grew a wicked smile at that. "Well how about that. You want one, Spike? I think they'll make a wonderful snack." Both Fluttershy and (surprisingly) Spike were shocked. "No, I mean that they are... uh, cute. I was thinking they would make a better pet." I glared at Spike. "Agh, some carnivore you are." Was it really too much to hope that Fluttershy was offering Spike a treat? Fluttershy shuffled worriedly looking at me, and turned her attention to Pinkie instead. "What do you think, Pinkie?" Pinkie stuck her tongue out in disgust. "Ugh, parasprites. Now I gonna find a trombone." I turned to Pinkie. "A trombone." I repeated, hoping she would elaborate. "Yeah. You know," She held out her hooves and mimicked playing a trombone. At least, I think she was, since she could have been playing the trumpet for all I knew about music. With that, Pinkie trotted away. That was not the elaboration I wanted. Fluttershy looked between the "parasprites" as Pinkie called them, and myself. She must have figured it wasn't a good idea to have me around them for too long. "I'll go find Rarity." When Fluttershy left, one of the parasprites turned and chirped affectionately at me. I raised a hoof for a rude gesture, but I forgot that I don't have a middle finger. We left for the library, with Spike giving me the all familiar Look. Strange, I have the feeling that I'm going to need a flame-thrower. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No luck on those fire spells. I asked Spike about it, but he only expressed his distaste for "battle magic". All I knew was that most attack spells were restricted, and no books available to the public teach them. Sure, there were books that taught "self-defense spells", but they were limited to how much damage they could do. So I looked it up, and you'll never believe what I found out. Self-defense spells were designed with a special dweomer sequence that limits power output, making a spell easier to cast, but less effective. While self-defense spells are designed to never be reverse-engineered to remove their limits, it occurs to me that I can make my own spells without those limits! I don't need a book of war spells, I can do it on my own! Wait, making your own spell takes a lot of time. Screw it, it can wait until tomorrow. After screwing around with some adventure novels, I slept and woke up the next day. The birds were chirping and the sun was shining on what I hoped would be a great day. Spike and I were munching on gems and cereal respectively, enjoying a peaceful breakfast. There was more murmuring outside, but we didn't pay attention to it. The ponies of Ponyville were already really excited about Celestia coming by, so I doubted the noise would stop until she's gone. What did get our attention was Pinkie kicking the door open. I swear, if it's not knocking, it's smashing the door open. "Twilight, it's an emergency!" She yelled. I pushed aside my cereal and ran out to greet her. "What's wrong?" "Ponyville is doomed if we can't find it! Where can we find a banjo?" I couldn't hide a flat look. "Pinkie, finding an instrument is hardly what I would call an emergency." "B-but what about Ponyville's doom?" She stammered. "Something tells me that Ponyville will be just fine even if you can't find a banjo." Pinkie scoffed. "You girls are so stubborn!" She trotted outside. ...Why does this feel familiar? Wasn't there a time when Pinkie stormed into the library with a problem, and I made light of it, and it turned out Pinkie was totally right? Oh yeah, that was just two weeks ago. With Gilda. Oh shit, I gotta find Pinkie! I dashed out of my home and looked around for her. She was already gone, so I asked every pony I could if they could direct me to her. Eventually, I was lead to where she was, and I found her in a determined canter, scanning the town for something (though I guessed instruments). I rushed over next to her. I learned from my mistakes last time I spoke to Pinkie about a problem she didn't helpfully explain. I needed to probe her for information with simple questions. "Alright Pinkie, how will musical instruments save Ponyville?" Pinkie smiled. "So you're gonna help? Great!" "Pinkie. Why instruments?" "Oh. We need them to get rid of the parasprites." So this has to do with those bugs. Hmm, come to think of it, Pinkie left to find instruments after she saw the parasprites. "Okay, how will instruments help us against the parasprites?" "Parasprites like music a lot. We just need to play music and lure them away!" I was impressed by Pinkie's knowledge of our enemy. It's almost like she's dealt with them before. "How do you know all this?" "Sorry Twilight, but we need to hurry. Parasprites multiply really fast, and we don't have much time!" Pinkie picked up to nearby trash can lids and banged them together. With a disapproving shake of her head, she turned back to me. "Can you go find a tambourine and a a pair of cymbals?" "Fair enough. I'll get them as fast as I can." I ran off, in search of a music store. I don't want to bore you with the details, but there turned out to be no such store in Ponyville. Made sense, since Pinkie would have already gotten the instruments she needed if there was. I rushed around for any musician who had an instrument I needed and I bribed them to let me borrow them. What? I said bribery was legit! As I got the last instrument I needed, the town was swarmed with parasprites. Pinkie wasn't kidding when she said these things multiplied fast, and I really wished I had a flame-thrower. However, that spell wasn't made yet, and Equestrian technology didn't include firearms, so I was stuck with the musical option. I ran to Sugarcube Corner, where I found Pinkie waiting for me. "Just in time! You got the goods?" She asked. "Yeah." I tossed her the items in question. "Now we just need ponies to play them." Pinkie patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry. I got this." She opened the door to Sugarcube Corner, from which terrified screams emerged. The sound of ponies screaming about the parasprites was muted when the door closed. I looked around town to pass the time, and I realized the full terror of the parasprites. Not only were they everywhere, but they had a larger appetite than Pinkie! Pies were gobbled up, cakes were stolen, and I felt sorry for the mare wearing the fruit hat. Ponies were scrambling to either evade the beasts or get them away from their food. This was chaos. The very next moment Pinkie went into the shop, she came back out wearing a one-pony band set-up. "Let's do this." Pinkie blew hard into a harmonica to get the attention of the nearby parasprites. The feeding frenzy around us stopped and their attention fell on Pinkie. Pinkie began playing a tune that the bugs couldn't help but dance to. They lined up behind Pinkie as she walked outside of town, playing the polka on the way. Over the course of the music, during which I followed Pinkie to listen to this upbeat tune, the other girls I was familiar with showed up. "How the hay is this workin'?" Applejack asked incredulously. "I dunno, man. Pinkie just said it was a good idea, and I went with it." Rainbow dropped right in front of me. "Whoa whoa, wait a minute. You actually listened to what Pinkie Pie said?" I nodded. "Yes. I made the mistake of ignoring her once before, and I was determined not to repeat myself this time." "Huh. Pinkie's a dear and all, but usually, her... rambling, makes little to no sense." Rarity commented. I looked over Pinkie, still playing those instruments like the multitasking champ she is. "I don't think we give her enough credit." I looked up to see the princess in her chariot. I pointed her out to my friends, and we ran ahead of Pinkie to greet her. As she landed and stepped off the chariot, we bowed. "Twilight Sparkle, my prized pupil." She greeted. I smiled and waved. "Hello, Princess Celestia. Welcome to Ponyville." "So lovely to see you again, as well as your friends." She said. She was about to continue speaking, but she noticed Pinkie Pie coming by with a bunch of insects following her. "What's this?" I looked over at the spectacle, more for show than anything else. "Oh that? Yeah, that's the spontaneous parade on behalf of Pinkie Pie." Celestia looked over the "parade" with great amusement. "I'm honored that she would think to do this." "Well, it was either this, or have a food shortage. We took our chances on a one-man band." Princess Celestia raised an eyebrow at me. "You do realize that Pinkie is a mare, right Twilight?" As I was in the presence of royalty, I limited my reaction to an eye-twitch. "...Yes, of course." She stared at me with an unreadable look for a moment, but resumed her speaking. " Unfortunately, this visit is going to have to be cut short. I'm afraid an emergency has come up in Fillydelphia. Apparently there's been some sort of infestation of incredibly bothersome creatures. So sorry for all the trouble." I waved a hoof dismissively. "No trouble on your part. Things happen." Princess Celestia was about to board her chariot again, but stopped. "Before I go, would you care to give me your latest report on the magic of friendship in person?" I thought about it. Did I learn something that I could tell her? As I thought about it, yes, something came to mind. "Actually, I would. I've learned something very early on in my stay in Ponyville, but I didn't realize its significance until now. Everyone has wisdom to share, even those you don't expect." I looked knowingly at Pinkie, who waved excitedly. Wait, where did the parasprites go? "All you have to do is listen, and you never know what you might be able to gain." Celestia smiled. "Very well put, Twilight. I'm very impressed with you and your friends as well. It sounds like you're all learning so much from each other." She nodded in farewell, and the chariot lifted off. "So you knew what those critters were all along, huh Pinkie Pie?" Applejack asked. "Yup. Why else would I be getting all these instruments?" "Uh, just an FYI, but I'm gonna need the tambourine and the cymbals back." I reminded. I was seemingly ignored in favor of Pinkie accepting an apology from our friends. I don't know what, but it seems I missed something between them. I wonder what series of events I missed that lead to this. I was also wondering whether or not I'm getting those instruments back.